


On an Island

by RannonSolo7



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: 69 (Sex Position), Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Blood Drinking, Blow Jobs, Character Death, Cunnilingus, Disturbing Themes, F/M, Miscarriage, Mutual Masturbation, Oral Sex, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pregnancy, Pregnant Sex, Psychological Horror, Rough Sex, Sexual Tension, Smut, Stillbirth, Suicidal Thoughts, Vaginal Fingering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-11
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-06-01 13:59:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 62
Words: 206,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6522718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RannonSolo7/pseuds/RannonSolo7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The cast of the hunger games is flying home from the press tour for Mockingjay Part 2 when disaster strikes. This is a Joshifer Fanfiction about what happens when Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson are stranded on a remote island together.</p><p>***Warning: This Story Can Be Addictive***</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Impact

**Author's Note:**

> Although the characters are based on real people I do not know them and would not wish this on any of them. This started as a silly conversation that I had with a friend but the more I thought about it the more horrific I knew it would be. It was even worse once I started writing it. A scenario that is bounced around a lot in popular culture but would be completely devastating if it ever actually happened to anyone.

This jet is an expensive one. I guess all jets are expensive but this one is first class. I can tell by the lack of motion and the fact that I can only hear a very slight thrumming noise that lets me know we are in motion. I’m tired, exhausted really, but I can’t sleep because of all the anxiety tearing my stomach apart. Across the room from me Liam is stretched out on a couch snoring quietly, his hand thrown over his eyes in an effort to drown out the soft lighting of the room. Woody has already retired to one of the private compartments for the night and Francis and Nina are settled around a small round table speaking in low voices as to not wake the others. 

Josh sits in the chair next to me pretending to be asleep so that I don’t feel bad about keeping him up. He doesn’t want to leave me alone in case I want to talk. I don’t want to leave him alone because I know what no one else does; that he will be just as lonely as I am once we get back to LA. At the moment I am not sure who is keeping the vigil, me or him. I am more to blame for my loneliness than he is his. I am the most eligible bachelorette in the country. I could go out any night with anyone but nothing ever feels right. My dates feel forced and awkward on my part and usually end with me sitting alone in my kitchen drinking. Josh has found the love of his life. Unfortunately for him she lives in Spain and they don’t see each other often. He complains about it constantly but at least he has Skype. The closest thing I have had to intimacy in a while is sex toys and porn. 

I am bitching about my life again and I hate that which puts me in an even more pissy mood. I have nothing to complain about. I am young, healthy, talented and rich. Everyone wants to be me. That doesn’t make me feel any better though. I can’t shake the sinking feeling that the Hunger Games were the best thing that will ever happen in my life and now it is over. When we finished shooting a year ago I just felt numb. I couldn’t even comprehend that the family I had spent years building and growing with would soon be disbanding. Josh and Liam assured me that everything would be cool and that we would hang out all the time. Everyone told me that I had even bigger and better projects coming. What I had coming was hours and hours of endless work with strangers who care less about me than the insane press who I swear do everything they can to ensure that I have to live in a virtual prison. 

I close my eyes tight and wish it all away. No, I have to face that this is my life now. I am J-Law, America’s favorite down to earth, girl next door, Hollywood movie actress that makes more money in a day than they will in a year and who wears dresses that cost more than their college education. I don’t even realize I have the arm rest in a death grip until Josh covers my hand with his own. It is warm and steady and so familiar that I relax and look up at him. I can see the concern on his face, the worry that I am not doing as well as I play for the cameras. I know it is pathetic but I turn my hand over and interlace our fingers. He has always been my rock and I need his support and comfort tonight. He was famous long before me so as all this craziness has escalated over the last few years he has always been so calm. He always knows what to do.  
That is one thing I know is never going to change. I can count on him and Liam no matter what. I am just not sure what that will really look like in my life a few years down the road. Josh has Claudia and I know even though the public does not that Liam has Miley again. I hate it when the press asks me in interview after interview to choose which guy I would like to be with in real life. They know I hate it and they ask anyway because they don’t know why I hate it. They think that I fear hurting one of their feelings or their heart throb image. What they don’t understand is that they both had their chance with me and they both chose someone else. It might be a stretch to say Josh has had his chance with me. We have been best friends since maybe week two of knowing each other and now we are like family but we have never been single at the same time and I have always refused to think about him that way. It is too risky. In this business the second you starting screwing someone is the second you start losing them. 

Liam and I have kissed a few times but it really came to nothing. We have a good easy friendship and I love him very much and he is super-hot but being together one on one without Josh or Woody feels strange. It is like our relationship requires the context of others. We went on a few dates and found that all we ever did was talk about our mutual friends so we decided that is what we should stay. That and I could not shake the feeling that I was cheating on Josh somehow. Which is ridiculous since Josh is like my brother. 

Josh is like my brother, Josh is like my brother, Josh is like my brother. I have said it in interviews plenty of times but I have said it in my own head a lot more. It is not exactly untrue but I feel like if it was completely true I wouldn’t have to forcibly say it so often. My feelings for him are hard to explain. We are not romantic but it is not because of a lack of certain feelings for him it is because of the presence of too many conflicting ones. When I met Claudia last summer in New York I have to admit that my heart twisted in my chest. She is beautiful and charming and Josh absolutely adores her. I went home and drank until I vomited all over my bathroom floor and cried myself to sleep. I have examined my reaction a few times since then to try to determine if I am jealous because I want a close relationship too or if I am jealous because I want that relationship to be with him. 

I don’t like the idea of Liam and Miley getting back together either but that is mostly because I don’t like being the only single one and because she is such a weirdo. He can do better and Josh thinks so too. He calls her Smiley Virus when Liam isn’t around and it makes me laugh. Maybe I have been projecting like some of our ridiculous fans but somehow I thought at the end of this road that one of them would want me. I clearly have poor judgement when it comes to the feelings of men though. I thought Nick loved me too and the whole world can see where that went. Josh and Liam aren’t like him though; they really do care about me. I look at Josh’s hand in mine. I don’t want him to be my boyfriend. That would be way too scary. I just want things to stay the way they are forever. I want us to travel on these tours and make more movies and play and have fun together. I want to stay up all night in the trailer talking about nonsense. I want to fight with him over stupid stuff all the time because I know he loves me enough that it doesn’t matter.  
I shouldn’t be having these thoughts. I am a horrible friend. I should be happy that he has a great future ahead of him. It is just hard to imagine a future in which he grows older, gets married, has babies and I am not a part of it. All of that growing and changing means that someday I will just be an old friend that he talks to from time to time about the good old days. I should just be happy that I have had him at all. I open my eyes and take him in. Then I look at Liam and Francis and I think of Woody too. I usually think that I am nothing like Katniss Everdeen but I do think we have one thing in common. We definitely do not deserve the great men that we have in our lives. This is the last thought that I have before finally falling asleep. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
I wake to the feeling of my stomach dropping out of my body and to the sound of Nina’s scream. I open my eyes and see Liam flying off of the couch and I grasp tightly to Josh’s hand. He is waking too and reflexively pulls me to his lap. I should be terrified but I honestly have no time to even realize what is happening. His arms closing around me is the last thing I feel before my whole world is obliterated by the impact.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wind. I can hear wind. I should not be able to hear wind. I am in a plane coming home from the press tour for Mockingjay Part 2 with my friends. If I can hear wind it means that I am not in the plane and I know that we have not landed yet. I can feel sand beneath my hands. That is how I know that I am dreaming. There is no sand on an airplane. I must have fallen asleep and I am dreaming of a windy beach. I am afraid to open my eyes so I call Josh’s name. That is when I realize how badly I am hurt. Just the effort of speaking causing a searing pain to spread through my whole body and settle in my head. I black out again.  
When I come to the second time I hear the ocean. It reminds me of filming in Hawaii and I allow a smile to spread across my face. That is when I know something is wrong. My face is hurt. I touch it and force my eyes open and I see blood. I start panicking at the knowledge that I am hurt and no one has helped me. If I had gotten hurt on set someone would have helped me. For a sickening moment I think that I may have hurt myself on purpose. I have thought of it many times and done it a few but I know I would never have cut my face like this. It is too painful and too public. I hear the ocean again and when I look up my world shatters. 

I am lying next to the wreckage of an enormous airplane. I sit in shock for what might be a few minutes or half the day. The plane has gone down I shout in my mind. I can’t believe it. When the disbelief begins to subside that is when the urgency comes to the surface. If I can move I need to get the others out. They could be hurt even worse than I am. I am relieved to find that I can stand and I ignore any other injuries I have and charge into the wreckage. The plane is broken into two pieces and I go to the front first since it is closer. The pilot and co-pilot must have known we were going down and saw it all to the terrible end as their facial expressions reflect horror even in death. 

I am shaking as I turn and stumble in to the second part of the shell and it is completely surreal when I see three bodies lying face down on the floor. I want to turn and run but I can’t. I scream their names over and over but only stillness and silence return my cries. I force myself to come closer and I touch each one in turn to find them lifeless and stiff. When the full realization hits me that Liam is dead I cover my mouth with both hands and scream hysterically. I fall to the ground crying and my hand touches his face and when I feel how cold it is I get to my feet and run. I don’t know where I am going only that I cannot be with his corpse. I make it only a small distance when I fall headlong over something on the ground. I whip around to find that it is a charred body. I look at the ashes that surround the skeleton and I breathe some of it in on the air. I cough and realize that I have just ingested someone that I love. I have a moment of complete insanity staring at the skull. I don’t know who it is and I don’t know if I am alone in this hell. I vomit on the ground and don’t even register when I fall into it. 

The only thing that keeps me from taking my own life right then and there is the fact that I have only found six bodies. Someone is still missing. I need to find them and make sure that there is nothing else I can do. Some part of me hopes that they are dead so I can join them without any misgivings. I am weeping openly now and stumbling around blindly trying to find the last body. I need to hold it together long enough to stop crying so that I can see clearly. I try to bring something calming to mind and remember Josh’s arms holding me. He didn’t do it often but he would if I was really struggling like when Nick broke up with me or after Phil died. I bring the sensation to mind and am able to slow my breathing slightly. That is when I remember that he was holding me right before the crash. His body was likely close to mine.  
I was paying no attention to where I was when I ran into the wreckage before but I am able to follow a dripping blood trail back to where I was. I scream his name but get no answer. I search the surrounding area calling for him over and over but I only hear the ocean waves crashing against the shore. I am starting to wonder if I will ever find him or if he has somehow been washed out to sea when I hear a slight murmur almost directly beneath me. I pull back a few pieces of metal and I see him. He flinches in pain and it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. He is badly injured and suffering but he is alive. He is alive and I am not alone. 

I clear everything off of him and begin to examine his injuries. I am not sure where he may be damaged internally but all I can see is a large gash in his arm which is bleeding steadily. The bleeding is not heavy but he has been here for a while. If I do not stop the flow soon he will be dead. I rip off my shirt and tie it tightly around his arm. I do a quick once over on myself as well because if I am badly injured and don’t make it Josh won’t either. He is going to need someone to care for him. Luckily, all the cuts and bruises that I find will likely heal on their own. I feel like I have been hit by a truck and my head throbs but I am not seeing double and now that I have something to do I am not as nauseated. I search in the immediate area and find my bag. I don’t need any of the stupid makeup I brought with me but I do have a couple of small bottled waters in there. I take one and get Josh to take a couple of small sips and I drink from it as well. 

I sit beside him a while just rubbing my hand across his back and marveling that he survived. It is not until the temperature drops that I realize that the sun is setting lower in the sky. The cool ocean breeze teases the hair on my bear arms and I begin to shiver a little. Josh is delirious and keeps muttering my name over and over. I try to sooth him but he won’t calm down and he won’t wake up. Part of me wants him awake so that he can tell me what to do but part of me doesn’t want him to ever wake because I can’t bring myself to tell him that our friends are dead. Instead, I find a piece of cloth nearby and cover us both and I snuggle against him. He is warm and he smells like Josh and the combination of the two along with the toll the most horrific day of my life has taken on me mercifully causes sleep to overtake me.


	2. Is this really Happening?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of the crash, Jennifer struggles with her grief and it takes seeing Josh in pain to snap her back into reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a fanfiction in which the characters are based on real people so if you cannot handle that or find it offensive please do not read it. I do not know any of these people and these are simply made up characters in a work of fiction. I did have an interesting time reflecting on how truly awful it would be to actually be stranded on a desert island. Feel free to write me a review. This story will have several more chapters as I am obviously not going to leave it here.

When I wake the next morning I feel like hell. I am sore everywhere and my mouth is incredibly dry. Before I can even open my eyes it all comes rushing back to me and it is so overwhelming that I simply lay there and stare into space. Beside me, Josh begins to stir. His wound has stopped bleeding and other than that he appears to be relatively unharmed. He uses his good arm to push himself up as he turns to me. “Jen, what the hell is going on?” I try to muster some of the fear and despair I felt yesterday but I come up with nothing but exhaustion when I tell him “They’re all dead. The plane went down. We’re all that’s left.” His eyes grow wide and he turns his head around taking in our surroundings. When the wreckage of the plane comes into his line of sight he jumps up and races towards it.  
I lay there in the sand for what must be a considerable amount of time because the sun his high in the sky and the sand is approaching blazing hot by the time he returns. He looks bedraggled but isn’t crying as he kneels beside me and turns me onto my back. I am momentarily blinded before he aligns his shadow to shield my face from the light. He places a hand behind me and pulls me into a sitting position handing me a bottle of water. I drink greedily before he pulls it back from my lips. “Sorry Jen, but we don’t have much and I don’t know how long it will take for us to find more. We need to get moving and see what’s around here and if there is anything we can use from the plane.” 

His words reignite the panic within. The thought of returning to the wreckage is unbearable and I begin to shake. I can’t look at them again and know they are gone. I just can’t do it. I hear a choked sob and realize that it is coming from me. My breathing is coming fast and I feel as like my throat is closing. Josh knows I have anxiety and he has seen me go through hard times before but this is extreme even for me. He closes the distance between us and draws me against him. I can hear his voice speaking softly but my heart beat in my ear is thunderous and I can’t make out the words. My knees buckle and I feel as though I might faint so he lowers me back down into the sand. 

I alternate between hyperventilating and sobbing for a long time while he holds me until I stop, simply out of energy to go on. When I calm he rubs my back soothingly and promises to take care of me. He pushes stray hairs from my face and coaxes me into a sitting position once again. “Jen, I have to get you into the shade. We won’t last if we stay out in the sun too long.” He takes me by the hand and leads me away from the wreckage and towards the beach. The blue water and pristine sand stretch out as far as the eye can see and it would be beautiful in any other circumstance. He sits me beneath the shade of a giant palm tree and takes my face between his hands. “I need to go and look for water but I’ll be back. If I’m not back by nightfall please stay here.” 

He checks his wound and decides that he still needs my shirt to protect it so he removes his and dresses me in it like a child. I beg him not to go. It is deeply irrational but I have this feeling that if I let him out of my sight I won’t ever see him again. He again offers to take me with him but I can’t get myself together. He stays with me until I cry myself out again and drift off to sleep. I am saved another panic attack because when I wake he is sitting beside me. He hands me another bottle of water and this time he lets me drink the whole thing. He also has a package of beef jerky and a small bag of Cheetos.  
At first I think that I cannot eat but after several minutes of staring at the stuff my hunger wins out over my despair. It is only after finishing the last few bites that I notice that he is drinking from a small green container. When he sees my questioning look he lifts it slightly. “Thank God, I found a fresh water supply. There is a stream that is actually pretty close by which makes me think this place might be relatively large. I’m going to drink it tonight and if I am still not sick by morning I think it will be ok for us to drink.” I know this is important but I cannot bring myself to care. All I can think about is the people I have lost and how much their families and friends will miss them, how much I will miss them. 

As the sun begins to set, the breeze coming off of the ocean becomes chilly and Josh moves us between a few trees to block the wind. He lays down and opens his arms to me and I settle in to share our body heat. I need this. Not just to keep me warm but to hear his heart beat beneath my ear. I need to know that it is still pumping. I need to know that he is still alive. As long as his chest still rises and falls with breath my word has not ended. I know that if it ever stops, so will mine. 

The next morning he feeds me again and gives me the last bottle of water. When it becomes clear that I plan to do little more than stare at the horizon, he heads off in the direction of the plane. We repeat this pattern for many days. Josh leaves for most of the daylight hours, while I stare at the ocean and wonder if I will ever be able to do anything else again. At night he holds me and kisses my face and hair. He caresses my back and whispers to me how important I am, how much I mean to everyone, and how I can’t give up. It isn’t sexual, just the desperate attempts of a man who knows his only companion is slipping away.  
I might very well go completely mad I ponder during the day if it were not for his constant reassuring presence at night. His heart beating against mine, his hands rubbing life back into my flesh, his voice coaxing my mind back into reality. I am caught in just such a musing one afternoon when I hear his yell. He is brave and his pain tolerance is high, so the sound of his distress breaks through my muddled brain immediately. Propelled by some unknown force stronger than my lethargy I jump up and run to find him. I have been sitting and laying for so long that I trip after just a few steps but recover and keep on going. As I race through the trees I realize that I have no idea where I am going. I have never gone with Josh so the part of the wreckage I saw on the first day and the beach we have made our camp is the only part of the island I have ever seen. My mind is racing with a hundred possibilities of what could have caused him to cry out. He could have fallen into a hole, he could have been attacked by a wild animal, he could have hit his head and may be injured badly. 

When I find him shortly ahead it is not what I am expecting. He is sitting on the ground with his head in his hands yelling in frustration and pulling his hair. Beside him sits a large piece of the airplane. It is misshapen and has several sharp edges and I can’t imagine how he managed to move it this far. “Josh” I say and he looks up at me in surprise. “What’s wrong?” We make eye contact and I see a tear running down his cheek. It is the first time I have ever seen him cry. “I wish Liam was here” he manages to get out and then he turns and kicks the piece of scrap in anger. “It’s too big, I can’t move it.” He hangs his head again and keeps repeating “I can’t do it, I just can’t do it. It’s too hard.” 

Seeing him this way hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel a wave of shame wash over me from head to toe. I put him through the worst case scenario; the one that I have feared since even before the plane crash. I left him alone. When he needed me the most I completely abandoned him. He has been struggling and fighting and keeping us both alive all by himself. More than that, he has been grieving all by himself. As much as I loved everyone we lost, he loved them just as much.

I go to him and wipe the tears away. I hug him and tell him that he isn’t alone anymore and he holds on to me for dear life. When we finally break apart I ask him where he is trying to move the piece and together we carry it the rest of the way. As it turns out, while I have been wallowing Josh has made significant progress on building us a more permanent shelter. He has also recovered some useful tools from the plane and relocated them to what he hopes will be our new home when it is finished. 

“I still have more things to move from the plane, but it takes time and I didn’t want to build this where we crashed” he tells me. I put a hand on his shoulder and turn him to face me. “No Josh, we have more things to move here from the plane. I’m going to start doing my share of the work. Maybe you can move them halfway and then I will take them the rest of the way. I’m sorry but I just can’t stand to see their bodies again.” I know it is low of me but I don’t want to have another breakdown. “You won’t have to” he reassures me. “I built a pyre from some wood the first few days and burned them.” The toll that must have taken on his 23 year old heart and mind I will never know. “What did you do with the ashes?” I ask. He lowers his head and kicks at some plants growing nearby as he answers “I spread them in the ocean, at least most of them. I thought some of them might make it closer to home someday.” It is this comment that makes me realize how much stronger than me he is. When all I could think about was my grief, he thought of everyone but himself. No wonder they casted this guy to be Peeta Mellark. 

It isn’t until we get back to the beach and he removes his shirt to wash up before bed that I realize how skinny he is. I don’t have a mirror but I can see my chest and stomach and I don’t seem nearly as bad off. I watch him that night as he gives me a portion of food and discover that he takes about a fourth the size for himself. When I question him about it he tells me that he ate a big lunch. “Josh, you have to stop.” I tell him and run my hand across his shrinking belly. “You can’t keep giving me all of the food and starving yourself.” He starts to shake his head but I am insistent. “You’re going to get sick. You’re going to die.” The frustration returns to his face and he confronts me with the reality of our situation for the first time. “I don’t have any choice Jen. We will be out of the food I could find from the crash soon and I haven’t been able to find anything else. There is fruit up in the trees but I can’t get to it and I haven’t had much success fishing yet.” 

I can hear the worry and self-doubt in his voice so I take his face in my hands and kiss first his forehead and then his cheeks. I have kissed him this way a hundred times and I hope that the familiarity of it will sooth him. He needs to know that I am present, that I am fully alive again and able to be a real ally. If we could carry a blockbuster movie franchise together we should be able to manage taking care of ourselves in the wild for a few days. “You don’t have to be strong all the time anymore Josh” I say pulling him into our makeshift bed with me. Tonight, I pull his head to my chest and I smooth his hair and whisper to him. I make promises to be there for him and not to slip away again. I beg him for forgiveness. “I am going to be the partner you need Josh” I tell him in the still of the night “You won’t ever have to be alone again.” I desperately hope that is a promise I can keep.


	3. Changing Tides

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer struggles with survivors guilt as her and Josh begin to form a routine and establish a life on the island. They also begin to wrestle with the precarious and changing nature of their relationship given their drastically altered circumstances.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Although these characters are loosely based on real people they are fictional characters in a work of fiction. I do not not know any of the actual people the characters are based on. If you cannot handle fanfiction with characters based on real people do not read this or you may find it disturbing or offensive. Please write me a review if you have time and if you are enjoying this story or if you have an idea that you think would inspire me in writing future chapters.

Once I snap out of my grief induced lethargy the days begin to pass quickly. Josh and I finish the shelter and are even able to elevate it a few feet. It really helps that we have a large share of materials from the wreckage of the plane and a lot of useful tools. They had brought quite a few of the props from the movies for display on the tour and were sending them back to be auctioned in LA. Some of them are useless, but many of the weapons are made from real metal and end up actually being used for our survival. Josh figures out how to use a pair of eye glasses to start a fire (we are still not sure exactly who they belonged to) and with a boost, I am able to climb some of the fruit trees and secure badly needed sustenance. 

We need more than fruit though. We don’t want to over pick the island and it is giving us horrible bouts of diarrhea. I am sitting at what we now call the kitchen table tying some lengths of mesh together to make nets and watching Josh carve another notch in the “calendar”. One of the things he did when we ended up here was to start marking the days on a scrap piece of metal. At first I thought it was silly but now that so many days have passed I have come to appreciate the connection with the outside world that it represents. “How long has it been?” I ask him. “About 4 months” he tells me, turning to wipe the sweat from his face. It is always hot during the day here and now that he has stopped burning he never wears a shirt anymore. He has lots of shorts and pants to choose from but I brought almost zero practical clothes so I have settled on a few short flowing skirts and my bra. He seems to never notice when the air chills in the evening so I usually slip on one of his button up shirts.

It is painful to talk about almost anything so we try to stick with discussion of what we need to do each day to survive. It is strange to be so isolated from everyone and everything in the world but to never be apart from each other. We have an unspoken agreement never to let the other out of our sight. We are both afraid of being alone, of losing the partner that makes this whole thing bearable, that makes life still worth living. I have played several characters in my career who experienced trauma and loss and I thought I was somewhat of an expert in depicting it. I didn’t have a clue. A few months ago I was a young millionaire movie star flying back to live a life of luxury and endless opportunity and I was so depressed. Little did I know nothing really bad had ever happened to me. Now I live on an island where I work my butt off every day for the basic necessities and I have no idea if I will ever see my family or be able to pursue my career again.

At least I have Josh. He understands without me having to tell him. I feel the same pain and frustration radiating off of him every day. He is relentlessly positive though and his smile and reassurance gets me through even the worst days when it rains for hours or when we know it is Thanksgiving or Christmas back home. He is there to hold my hand when we walk along the beach during the day and to put an arm around my shoulder when we sit by the fire in the evening. We share a bed each night and usually wake up spooning or with my head on his shoulder or chest. I know he is missing Claudia terribly so I don’t tease him when I feel him hard and pressing into my back or when his hands accidently ghost over my breasts in the night. I refuse to let myself enjoy it too much. This is a temporary arrangement for survival and I should not read too much into it. He is a man after all; there is no way he could go four months without having an erection. 

I have some success with the mesh tying and we figure out how to set the nets to catch at least a few fish a day. We also learn how to find and catch crabs and turtles. Diving for Oysters proves more tricky but over the next few weeks we get better and better at it and begin to bring home a bucketful in just an hour or two. Josh has spent time in Central and South America and recognizes cassava growing plentiful in many places. It is easy to cultivate and grow in patches close to the shelter which adds a hearty starch to our diet as well. It is extremely bland and tiresome but after being hungry for a few weeks we are thankful to fall asleep with full bellies again. 

However, now that the immediate dangers of dehydration and starvation have been overcome there is no way we can continue to hide from the reality of our losses and the enormity of our emotional wounds. We work side by side each morning gathering and preparing food, in the afternoon maintaining and adding to the shelter, gathering firewood, and tending to our clothing. But by evening all the chores are done and we have time to sit and talk over dinner and then around the fire. It happens in small pieces at a time: a comment about what a great producer Nina was here and a story about Francis or Woody there. It’s like we are tip toeing onto thin ice by even breathing their names and sometimes we fall through. I have hazy hours where I lie in bed and tremble with anxiety. Josh goes through long spells of being withdrawn and quiet. Occasionally, I just start crying with no provocation and can’t stop until I fall asleep. 

We sun bathe on the rocks right by the shore some days when we feel like we have plenty of food and can just be lazy. “I could really go for a Big Mac right now” Josh tells me one afternoon. I groan at his McDonalds fetish and strongly disagree. “No, pizza…it would have to be pizza. A whole supreme or better yet meat lovers.” He closes his eyes and lets the food fantasy take him away. “Cinnamon rolls, pasta, steak, French fries, fried anything.” I close my eyes and join him. “I would take all of that and chocolate and a Coke and nachos and candy.” He turns to face me and when I open my eyes I see that he is deep in thought and that the light moment is over. “Woody would lecture us you know” he says. “About wanting to eat all that meat and junk food.” I nod but for once this thought doesn’t make me sad. It makes me miss Woody but it also makes me glad that we both knew him so well and that he cared about us. I think of Woody how he was when we were filming not how I saw him last. “He would probably be wearing some big ass wool sweater while he was doing it too” I reply and Josh laughs for the first time in what seems like forever.

We walk hand in hand back to make dinner and I find myself smiling and even humming a tune. When it is dark and we are sitting and watching the flickering flames I see Josh out of the corner of my eye make a circle on his leg with his fingers and I move quickly to try to put my finger in it and pull it out but his reflexes are too good and he catches it briefly. This is the part of the game where he gets to hit me because not only did I look at the circle but I also tried to reverse the tide and got caught. He lifts his arm and I flinch out of habit but instead of giving me a playful punch he pulls me a little closer and kisses my cheek. It feels strangely intimate, maybe because all of the shared history behind the encounter and I feel myself flush from embarrassment which makes no sense at all. I suddenly feel confused and get up to go to bed. He waits a few minutes to join me and I pretend to be asleep already because for some reason I don’t want to face him tonight. 

As the days pass we speak of the dead more and more and eventually it can be done without tears or moping. We find more games to play and even swim in the ocean for fun. We don’t talk about Liam though. For some reason his loss is more painful than the others. Maybe because the three of us spent so much time together. Maybe because he was the third in our friendship threesome. Maybe because he was our age and had barely begun to live. Thinking of him also makes me feel guilty in a way the others don’t. That maybe he should have lived rather than me. He had a sweetheart to go home to and his family is really close. That isn’t all though. I also feel guilty because of the thoughts and feelings I am starting to have about Josh. It really has nothing to do with Liam and we certainly weren’t together or anything when it happened. It’s just that I can’t stop being glad that he is the one here with me and that makes me feel like I wanted the others to die and that isn’t true at all. I would do anything to get them back. Josh keeps telling me that it is just survivor’s guilt and that he feels it sometimes too. 

It still plagues me sometimes though when we are laughing or when the sun is setting over the gorgeous ocean and I feel fleeting moments of happiness. I don’t deserve to be happy. I should be mourning them. I shouldn’t want to run down the beach and crash into the waves. I shouldn’t laugh at Josh’s stupid puns or watch him while he gathers and chops wood. I should be miserable and trying to figure out how to get out of here. I shouldn’t be checking out my best friend who is practically engaged to another woman that he actually wants to be with, but I am. His hair is longer now than I have ever seen it and it hangs over his eyes and touches the back of his neck. We eat well now, mostly fruit and protein and it has done his body good. In conjunction with constant exercise and daily physical labor the change in diet has left him trim and muscular. 

I sit in the shade and watch him moving supplies around our camp. The well-defined muscles in his shoulders and back flex as he moves about gracefully. His eyes catch mine as he lifts his fingers to push his hair out of his face and I am openly gaping at him as my gaze drifts down to his narrow waist and angular hip bones guiding my vision right to his package. My clit throbs a little at the sight and I snap my legs shut and try to shake the wayward thoughts from my mind. I shouldn’t want this. I shouldn’t want to live so badly. 

I start to crave his comfort and closeness more and more. Since we are healing I cannot blame it on my traumatized girl status forever so I start to complain about the cooling temperatures in the evening. “Geeze it is getting cool tonight” I complain and then he will come and hold me by the fire, sometimes even carry me to bed and never let me go. I let myself enjoy the sweet indulgence of feeling his breath on my neck when we sleep. It is such a small thing and something I have never noticed with a guy before, but when it sirs the tiny hairs on the back of my neck I feel the caress all the way to my core and I have woken up more than once moaning from erotic dreams. He sooths me and I just pray to God that I wasn’t calling his name. 

It is on such a night when I am playing my girly head games to get what I want when he finally confronts me. I have dropped more than a few hints at the declining temperature when he takes a seat beside me on our log bench. “Jen, you don’t have to keep doing this you know” he tells me quietly. I give him my best look of confusion as if I have no idea what he is talking about. “Come on, you aren’t that good of an actress and it isn’t cold out here at all.” I’m not sure how to play this because I was hoping that he was enjoying it too, that he knew I was giving him excuses but that he didn’t care because he wanted to be with me too. Hurt and embarrassment are fighting for dominance so I let fake anger win. “Fine” I say in my most bitter tone getting up and stalking towards our bed. “I guess I’m not even allowed to be cold when I want to now.” It was a stupid thing to say and it doesn’t even really make sense but I had to get away from him so he wouldn’t see the tears in my eyes. I make it back to the pallet and cover my face before I start to cry. 

I hear him approaching and am now fully humiliated. Not only did I get called out begging for his attention like a little lost puppy but now I am sobbing about it. This isn’t like me at all. I usually can say what I want and lay claim to it but my bearings are off way out here. There is no audience to play to and Josh confuses me. I see him staring at me sometimes and I know his eyes wander to my lips and breasts and ass but still he keeps up the part of jovial little brother. I’m not sure if he values his loyalty to Claudia so much despite the circumstances or if they are just not enough to make him want a woman he has spent the last 4 years ignoring in every sensual way. Either way be doesn’t want me cuddling up to him every night and I need to respect those boundaries. It will hurt worse in the end if I don’t. 

He slides in bed next to me and seems genuinely surprised to see the tears streaming down my face. “Jen, hey don’t do that” he says his voice laced with concern. He tries to hold me but I pull away and put my back to him holding my pillow and continuing to sob like an emotional idiot. To make matters worse I overreact and murmur “I hate you” to him in the dark. My lungs still burn from rejection and anxiety while I do my best to drag long breaths through them to calm down. This is the point at which my boyfriend will lose patience with me and take a fine, then just screw you attitude and walk away from me for the night and give me some time to cool off and see reason. But Josh doesn’t leave me, not even for a minute. 

He scoots behind me and rubs my back and messages my neck and shoulders. This is why I always went to him when other guys were assholes to me. He is still talking to me and eventually I still my breathing enough to hear him. “Jennifer, I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I’m not even really sure why you are so upset, but if you tell me I’m sure we can work on it together.” I stop crying but my eyes remain on the dying fire. “It’s not your fault” I begrudgingly admit. “You don’t owe me anything and I need to start being stronger again. I can’t rely on your pity hugs forever.” 

My glum assessment of our situation stirs immediate action from him and he sits up and turns me on my back. His eyes are searching mine as he touches my cheek. He must not find what he is looking for because he gives me a sad smile and shakes his head. “God Jen, I wasn’t trying to tell you I didn’t want to hold you anymore. I just meant that you don’t have to ask for it in such a roundabout way. I know how much you’ve been through and how much you miss home. We’re in this thing together and I need it as much as you do.” He leans down and kisses my forehead. “If you want to cuddle with me just tell me or just come and hold me or sit on my lap. I won’t tell you no. We need human touch right now and I get that. I know how much you miss Liam and Chris and Nick. I won’t get the wrong idea. I’m your bestie and I’m here for you so there is no reason to play games or pretend.” 

What the fuck is he talking about? I have a millions thoughts racing through my head. Sure, I miss Liam but not like that and I can’t say I really miss the other two at all. Who loses everything but only misses their ex boyfriends? Could he really be my best friend for this long and still be this far off about how I feel? And why was he so quick to group Liam with Nick and Chris but not himself? Not to mention that here I was listening to his heart warming speech and practically begging him with my eyes to kiss me and he is worried about me getting the wrong idea about us? This whole situation has us totally fucked up. It is a lot to process though and I am really tired now that the relief of his acceptance has flooded my body. 

I take his hand and rub my thumb over the back of it. “You’re right” I tell him. “I know you are with Claudia and everything but I really need you to be here for me and I just wasn’t sure where the line was.” He pulls me close and kisses my forehead again. “I’m gonna be here for you whatever you need. We can draw our own lines. No one has to know anyway right?” He asks me. I nod and it is a long time before he speaks again into my hair. “We aren’t just buddies anymore Jen. We’re a family now and we need to take care of each other no matter what. Things are different here. I don’t think the rules and boundaries of the old world are going to keep us alive.”


	4. A Walk on the Beach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After 5 months on the island Jennifer and Josh have started to recover from the grief of the crash and their friendship has normalized until a day of down time and a walk on the beach brings up uncomfortable conversations, emotions, and physical interaction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Although the characters are based on real people the story is fictional and as always just for entertainment. Feel free to write a review or leave a comment with an idea for future chapters. This work is rated M for a reason so please do not read unless you are an adult.

The sun is way too fucking hot here. That is really the only thought in my head as I watch Josh carve another notch in the calendar board. He must feel the same because he takes a big drink of water before coming over to join me. “5 months” he sates pulling his shorts down and staring at me mischievously in his boxer briefs. “Is there a reason other than the fact that it is hotter than hell today that you are doing this little strip tease for me?” Things have gotten easier over time and I am glad that we have returned to our old comfortable and flirty yet meaningless banter. It makes me feel more like myself again. “As much as you wish I decided on a career change to being a male stripper I don’t think I would make a lot of money doing it in this particular market ” he says with an exaggerated and cheesy wink. “I was hoping though that I could find a young woman who might want to take a swim with me.” I give him a disinterested look. “You are a fucking goof ball and I would totally tell you no but I’m fried so ok but stop practicing your horrible pickup lines on me.” 

When we reach the beach I take off my skirt and wade into the cool water in my bra and panties. It feels great and I close my eyes and take a moment to soak up the sun now that I’m not sweating so much. I’ve been sitting on the sand bar letting the waves spill over me for a minute or two when it registers that no one is talking to me or trying to put sand in my hair. Where is Josh? I shade my eyes and turn back to the shore when I see that he is standing next to a palm tree taking a leak. As they so often do my eyes go straight to his cock. God, it has been way to long since I got laid. When you get turned on just by watching a man pee you know you are in a serious dry spell. I’ve been taking a peak at him when he does this every now and then and I love the way it looks in his hand. I must be a total fucking perv. No, I am just a woman who hasn’t been with a man in forever who is stuck on an island with a totally hot one. I am pretty sure they have made a hundred movies with this exact scenario. 

Things have finally returned to normal between us after all of the craziness after the crash so I don’t want to make it weird now. I make sure to return my eyes to the horizon before he sees me looking at him. I can hear him wade out into the water slowly and take a seat next to me. “What do you think you would be doing right now?” He asks me. I have to take a minute to think about the timeline. “Well, Joy has already been released and is out of theaters by now so probably press for Passengers. That and finishing my script with Amy.” I have to smile thinking of my quirky friend. “Yeah, I guess that has to be shelved for a while” he says. I let out a huff of frustration at the whole situation. “Yeah, that was going to be a fun project too. I’m not worried about Passengers and X-Men though. They are going to be huge being my last movies and all.” I stare at the rolling waves willing it not to be the truth. As much as I get tired of the travel and the craziness my work is my life and I pray that it isn’t over. 

“Jen” Josh says putting a hand on my shoulder. I refuse to look at him so he won’t see the tears in my eyes. “Jennifer, look at me. I promise we are going to be rescued. We are going to get off this island and you are going to be bigger than ever.” I do meet his gaze now and my eyes narrow in accusation. “Do you really think I care about that? All I want to do is act. I want to get back to a set and feel normal again.” I see him fight an internal war inside his head before he decides to let it go. “We will. We will get back and then spend the next two years answering five million questions about what happened when we were stranded here.” He is bringing up a topic that I have spent no small time thinking about but which we have not discussed yet at length. “No Josh, not five million questions, the same few questions asked five million times.” That gets a laugh out of him because he knows it’s true. 

“It’s going to totally suck” I continue. “Everyone already asks me if I’m sleeping with you and what it was like to kiss you. This is going to keep them speculating and just making random shit up for the rest of our lives.” He is nodding in agreement as he skips shells across the water. “That part I can take. I’m used to it and it probably helps both of our images anyway but Jen they are going to want to talk about the crash too. They are going to want to talk about Nina and Woody and Lia… well you know everybody. That’s going to be the hard part because I don’t want them to be forgotten but they have families and they deserve to have the privacy that they want too. I can handle the who kissed who under the apple tree bullshit gossip columns. Hell, they’ve even printed that I was dating women I have never met before.”

There is something that I have been wondering about for a while and there is no time like the present to ask. “What about Claudia? Is it hard for her when people say stuff like that about us? Will it be hard for her when we get back?” At first I think he isn’t going to answer because he stands up and takes a few steps forward. “Let’s take a walk ok? The sand bar continues in this direction. Let’s see how far it goes.” I get up and scrape the sand off of my butt as I catch up with him. “Jen, Claudia knows how we are. She’s know from the beginning that I love you and that you are my best friend and that I won’t give up my relationship with you for her. She doesn’t like it when people think and act like there is more between us but that is the way it is and she knew that would be part of the deal going in. It isn’t fair to her and I hate that but it is the way things are and I can’t change what people think and say and I won’t avoid you just so they won’t think and say it. If that makes me a bad boyfriend then I guess I am. She knows I would never cheat on her.”  
He seems so much older out here. Maybe it is the loss we suffered that has changed him or the hardness of living in these conditions. It has definitely aged him but he has always been more sure of who he is than I am. I think he is done speaking on the matter and anything I would say seems petty and little so I allow us to just continue on in silence for a long time. Finally he says “It won’t matter much longer anyway though.” I grab his hand to stop him. “Don’t talk like that Josh. You just promised me we would be rescued. You’ll make it home too and you have someone great waiting for you.” I expect him to argue with me but instead he smiles and shakes his head and lets out a little laugh with his breath. He starts walking again and it takes me a moment to catch up with him. 

“What?” I ask in exasperation. Why is he laughing at me? “You are such a child Jennifer.” I hate it when he talks in riddles. “What? Why?” I ask him again. “You think when we get out of here Claudia is going to be waiting on the pier to jump into my arms and that we are going to get married and live happily ever after.” I continue to stare at him. Yes, that is exactly what I think is going to happen and I am pretty sure it is. I fail to see why it wouldn’t or why he wouldn’t want it to. His expression softens as he continues “We’ve been gone 5 months already Jen and they won’t look forever. I do think they will eventually stumble across us but I think it will be by accident now. They think we’re all dead. She is going to move on if she hasn’t already and I don’t blame her.” 

For some reason the thought of his girlfriend already with someone else makes me angry. “No Josh” I say raising my voice. “She hasn’t just forgotten about you. She loves you; she may never get over you.” He puts an arm around my waist and starts me moving again. “I don’t think she has forgotten me. But let’s be realistic. We weren’t married. We weren’t even engaged and we didn’t have any kids. We care a lot about each other and we are attracted to each other and we have a lot of fun but she’s young and she will find that with someone else. I love her enough that I don’t want her to wait for me. She could be throwing years of her life away and we had our issues. Contrary to your imagination we weren’t a fairy tale. We live on the other side of the world from each other and we are both really busy. I haven’t given up on her and I hope we make it home soon but if it takes a long time I think I would be an idiot if I expected to go back and things to be the same.” 

It really bothers me that he thinks she will just move on so soon but I can’t really put my finger on why it bothers me so much. I guess I just want to believe in a love story even if it isn’t my own. He’s right that they must all think we are dead by now and it keeps me thinking for a long time. I wonder if my family had some kind of memorial service for me or if they have still kept some hope alive. I’m sure my mother is a wreck. At least I know my brothers will take care of her. I hate the pain they are going through when I’m here alive and swimming in the ocean while they mourn for me. I’m so lost in my own thoughts that I don’t realize that the water has been getting deeper and it is now just below my breasts. I look back and see that the shore is almost no longer visible and Josh is now jumping up a little to keep his head above water when the waves pass by. 

“Hey Jen” he says breaking me out of my private revelry. I turn my head to look at him when I am caught by a giant splash right in my face. “You’re going to pay for that mother fucker!” I scream at him. Before he knows what is going on I am under the water swimming up behind him and pulling him beneath the surface with me. I hold him under for a few seconds before I need to come up for air too and I get a smug sense of satisfaction when I hear him sputtering and spitting out the salty water. Good, I think to myself. I caught him totally unprepared. He lunges back at me and dunks me under too and when I get my head back above the surface he splashes me in the face again. 

We go back and forth wrestling, dunking, and splashing until we are both half drowned and the salt water is stinging our eyes. “Truce” I yell out to him “truce”. He backs off and beams at me. “I would like to note for the record that it was you who asked for a truce. Now tell me that I am the best at everything and the most amazing man you have ever met.” I roll my eyes at him and sigh. Just when I was thinking how grown up he has become. It was really fun though so there is no way I can be in a bad mood. “Oh Yes” I yell sarcastically approaching him. “I asked for the truce because you are the best at everything.” I reach him and laugh a little as I give him a hug. The exhaustion is kicking in from walking all the way out here and fooling around and I linger in his arms and my face falls into the crook of his neck and all of a sudden I am completely serious when I whisper in his ear “and you are the most amazing man I have ever met.” 

I expect him to say something funny or shrug me off but he puts a hand on the small of my back and the other in my hair so I continue to nuzzle his neck and enjoy is distinctly male sent mixed with the salt water and ocean breeze. We bob in the water for a while when he tells me softly “We need to be getting back. We got out here pretty far.” I am reluctant to let him go though so I tell him “I’m really tired though.” He pulls me closer so that our chests are pressed together and starts walking back. I should object because getting us both back will take a lot of effort but I want him close and I want him to take care of me so instead I wrap my legs around his waist and let him carry me. He is so tan now and his shoulders and arms are really strong from all the work it takes to provide for us every day. 

I know I am a silly romantic girl but there is nothing sexier than a man carrying you on an ocean beach in the middle of a tropical paradise. The motion of walking through the water keeps swaying our bodies and I have to stop myself from moaning when I feel him through the thin layer of my panties. He is standing at attention and hard as a rock and I smile into his neck happy that I can still have this effect on a man. The heat of the sun is still intense and the day is so beautiful and it feels so good to have had this time with him today. Sometimes we are so busy surviving out here we don’t take time to live. I’m groggy and horny and I give into my weakness and wrap myself tighter against him and rub myself against his cock. He stiffens but keeps holding me. I keep up my gentle motions and am glad that we are in the ocean or he would be able to feel how wet I am. We have been so well behaved up until now but pretty soon his hands are on my ass and he is grinding into me too. 

I want to kiss him or say something to move things along but I don’t. What he is doing feels so good and I don’t want to give him any reason to stop. He does though when we get close enough to shore that the water is no longer covering our waists. He sets me down and talks about making supper and when we get back to camp he pretends it never happened. Damn my raging hormones and fragile ego. I need him to acknowledge what happened out there. I need him to tell me that I am pretty and that he wants me. I know is body does. That was perfectly clear today, but his mind is not in the same place and that hurts. No one likes to feel rejected but for me it is particularly painful because he knows me better than anyone else. He knows me best and he doesn’t want me. What does that say about who I am beyond the money, the fame, and how beautiful Dior and a team of hair and makeup artists can make me? 

I have a lot of things on my mind when we lay down that night and it is all swirling in my head as I drift off. As I slip into oblivion my body finally relaxes and I feel that ache return at my core. It aches even more as I see Josh lay me down on a blanket at the beach. He pulls my bra off and looks at me in awe for a moment before taking one of my breasts into his mouth and teasing the nipple with his tongue. It sends a zing of pleasure through me and I arch my back to encourage him to make a feast of me. His hands are everywhere as his mouth descends on my neck sucking and nibbling the most sensitive spots and eliciting excited squeals and moans from the back of my throat. His hand slips into my panties and is just about to stroke me when the sound of a squawking parrot forces me back into consciousness. 

I am lying on my side and Josh is curled up around me from behind with his arm flung over my waist. My body is humming with sexual tension from earlier today and from my delicious dream and my clit is throbbing. One of the huge downfalls of always being together is that neither of us has had the privacy to masturbate in months. Like so many times before I will myself to calm down but it isn’t happening tonight. I need to come and I need it now and the presence of a warm healthy young man in my bed is not going to allow me to deny that need any longer. Very slowly I slip my hand down into my panties and use my index and middle fingers to gather moisture from my opening and begin to circle my clitoris. It feels damn good after all this time and I cannot help but let out a small sound of satisfaction. I think of my dream again and pick it up where I was when the stupid bird chirped. 

I imagine Josh kissing my neck and rubbing my trembling body. The fantasy is a good one and my body is singing for my hand but I am not so far gone that I don’t feel his arm stiffen or notice the giant woody now pressed against my back. He is awake and he can feel what I am doing, maybe even see it from the dim light of the dying fire and the full moon. I can’t stop myself though and the fact that he is an audience now spurs on my excitement. I know I need to come soon though because I don’t want him to go away. I want to smell him when I climax. I speed up the motions of my hand and picture him taking me from behind and a minute later my insides are clenching and my body shuttering with my long overdue release. I don’t have time to feel embarrassed though because the moment I relax Josh is up and walking over to one of the trees. 

At first I think he is peeing as that is where he often goes because he thinks I can’t see him from here (something I have never corrected him about). But I can see his frustration when he jerks his pants down and takes himself in hand. It is mesmerizing to watch as he works it. His hand is pulling and tugging on his dick with an almost painful expression on his face. I can’t see the details but I know from the outline of his body that he is jerking off. I want a better look but I know I had better stay put. I also know that I spurred this on which makes my fingers return to my nerves again and I rub furiously watching him get off and wishing I could see the engorged head of his cock and hear his grunts of pleasure. When I see his hand speed up he leans against the tree with his other arm and lets out a couple of heavy breaths and I picture his cum spurting out onto my hand and stomach and my second orgasm takes me. 

He doesn’t come back to bed that night and sleeps in a hammock we made nearby instead. I understand but it disappoints me and when he stays away for another 5 nights it hurts me. He suggests that we both might need a little private time every now and then. It isn’t what I want but I will gladly give him some space if it means that I can touch myself more freely and think of him and if it means that he might be getting off to images of me as well. Life on the island is hard and I don’t want to deny us this most basic pleasure. 

I feel his absence at night keenly as I haven’t slept alone in months and my anxiety worsens. It is something that I have always struggled with but is at its worst when I am in new social situations or I have a lot of uncertainty about something important. One of those has been no problem since he and I are the only people in a thousand miles but our lives are nothing but uncertainty now. At home I can take my prescription and work myself to death and that helps but without my medication and my acting it’s sometimes hard to quell the uneasy nausea. 

Josh has always been my rock. The one person I could count on during hours of filming, days of travel, and loads of interviews. When I would get nervous I would just answer the questions by talking to him instead of looking at the interviewer or the room full of people. It was a trick we came up with early on that got me through a lot of press. If I started struggling with a response he could cut in and finish it for me. If I really didn’t want to take a question I could give him a look or small gesture and he would redirect the conversation back to him. He knows how bad I can get, but he never judges me for it. I don’t have to hide things with him or pretend to be something I’m not because he loves who I really am. At least I thought he did. I had to go wreck our perfect friendship by humping him in an ocean and masturbating in his bed. I shouldn’t have put him in that situation and now he is keeping his distance.


	5. The Illness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer and Josh have reached a strange in-pass in their relationship as they continue to struggle with the isolation and changing dynamics of being totally alone together for almost 6 months. He is distancing himself and that annoys her but it soon becomes the least of their problems when Josh falls gravely ill and Jen is left to care for them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a Real Person Fanfiction so if you cannot handle that please do not read it. This chapter also has some disgusting parts so if you cannot handle the consumption of human blood you might want to skip this one. As always, I don't know these people and this is just a fictional story for entertainment. I am motivated by Kudos and comments so please leave me some if you want me to keep writing.

I don’t know how long he might have stayed away if it wasn’t for the fever. One day when returning from fishing I noticed how slow he was walking. Looking more closely there were shadows under his eyes and he was moving like his muscles hurt. Serves you right for sleeping in that damn hammock I think. I’m not getting the best sleep either and it’s hard to have compassion for the man that scorned you. If he is having all the doubts about him and Claudia that he talked about I don’t get why he doesn’t want to fool around. It’s not like we have much to do out here anyway and I wouldn’t tell anyone. I don’t think I have ever encountered a man who turned down free sex without consequences before. 

I keep my surly attitude to myself as I clean the catch and cut some fruit. I expect for him to tend the fire like he always does but instead he lays in the hammock and closes his eyes. Ok, I think guess I will do that too. But as I stoke a few flames out of dying embers and prepared to roast the fish I start to list all of the things he does for us every day and think how hard it would be for either of us to do all of this on their own. He deserves some rest so I don’t wake him when the food is ready and just save some of it for later. When night comes and he still hasn’t moved I lay in our bed (I refuse to think of it as just mine) and guilt starts to take over. He is obviously exhausted and not sleeping like he should. It was my actions that pushed him out of the comfort of our bed and I should be the one who has to leave it. 

I stand and go over to the hammock and gently rouse him. “Josh” I whisper in his ear and kiss his cheek. “Josh, come to bed. I will take the hammock tonight.” Confusion registers in his eyes as he glances around. “Where’s Jennifer?” He asks me. “Is she ok?” I kiss his face again and help him up. “I’m here, I just want you to come to bed now.” My voice and touch relax him and I help him into bed and cover him up. I wish I could just climb in beside him but I am pretty sure he would not appreciate me sabotaging his distancing efforts without his consent. I find the hammock again and spend an hour or two looking at the stars. Back home my life is scheduled to the second and I am such a slave to the clock but here there is no way for us to know what time it even is. It is freeing in a way but it also leaves me with no direction and no guidance as to what the hell I should be doing with my life. Maybe I have become too dependent on other people to tell me where I should be going and what is important to me. 

When the soft lights of morning come I see that Josh is still sleeping. I am getting worried because he has never done anything like this. My heart starts pounding at the thought that he could die, that he might already even be dead. I get up but stand frozen in place for a time, afraid to even approach him and see what I will find. Slowly, I walk over and let out a huge sigh of relief when I see his chest rising and falling. His breathing seems shallow though and when I reach out to touch him I find that he is burning with heat. Shit, he isn’t just tired he is really sick and I am no fucking doctor. Even if I was there is nothing to treat him with. 

I put a hand on his forehead like my mom used to do to me when I was five and I can tell he has a fever but it is impossible to tell how high. I find the first aid kit we recovered from the plane and it contains only 6 pain relief caplets. He tried to get me to take them a couple of times before when my cramps were really bad but I refused out of the simple logic that it is super dumb to take the only Tylenol you have in a survival situation to treat a condition that is going to recur monthly anyway. I remember him telling me “You might at as well, if we are in a true life or death scenario those aren’t going to do much for us any way.” I hope to God he is wrong. I shake his shoulder and try to rouse him but he won’t open his eyes. I get behind him and prop him up on some pillows we made and gently slap his cheeks with my fingertips until his eye lids slowly flutter open. 

“Hey Jen” he gets out in a weak voice. I take the pills and some water and kneel before him. “I need to give you some medicine for your fever” I tell him firmly because I know he is going to fight me about it. “No” he says shaking his head. “You need to save them in case you get sick and you shouldn’t be this close to me. We don’t know what is wrong and I don’t want you to get it too.” That’s it, he has played this card one too many times and I am sick of it. “Josh Hutcherson” I say with a hand on my hip. “You are taking these fucking pills right now. You are sick and you need them and there is nothing wrong with me.” He looks up at me and the look on his face hardens. “No” he tells me plainly. This raises my ire because he is being stubborn for no reason and I am done acting like I am not pissed about the superior attitude he gets. 

I move over and straddle his hips and hold out the pills and water. “Fine, you’ll take them now or I will kiss you full on the mouth and get it for sure. It’s your choice.” He would normally just toss me aside and probably give me a lecture but he is far too tired to move and instead his face falls and he takes them from me angrily and swallows them. “Now get away from me. I will either fight this off or not there is nothing you can do.” Fat chance of that happening and when he falls asleep again a few minutes later I remove the covers and unbutton his shorts and slide them off. My brothers and I had enough fevers growing up that I know that I need to keep him cool. I continue the chores because I have to but keep a close watch on him. I eat the fish and fruit from last night but it comes back up an hour later. 

I have to get my anxiety under control. I have to be well to take care of him or we’ll both die. By late afternoon the temperature has sky rocketed and he still isn’t any better. I have noticed a red rash covering his back and assume that indicates that he has contracted some kind of a tropical disease as I have never seen anything like it before. His breathing has also become somewhat labored and he moans quietly in his delirium. I can no longer wake him. His degenerating state should make me nervous but for some reason it brings a sudden peace over me. This is what I need to do. I need to take care of him and keep him comfortable. His body will either fight this off and we will live or it will fail and we will both die. I know it with certainty and somehow that clarity is calming. 

I change the cloth he is lying on and strip him completely. There is no way to get cool water here except from the ocean but I do not want to dehydrate him so I have to settle for washing him over and over with the lukewarm water from the stream. I cannot get him to eat but he does take sips of water when I poor it over his lips. He would hate that I clean up after him but I do that too over the next two days. I wish there was something else I could do but there isn’t so I complete the basic chores and I keep him clean and I sit with him and try to sooth him. He mumbles in his sleep and calls out for his mother, his brother, and for me. I smooth his hair back from his face and I talk to him. I sing to him. I kiss his face sometimes and hope that it will wake him. I really am a silly girl and life is not a fairy tale.

It is on his third day without food that I start to lose hope. I tried mashing fruit into a paste but he won’t eat it. This is how it is going to end. He thinks I will go on without him but I won’t. When he dies I will sit on the beach and look at the horizon until I do too. I have never been good at being alone. I wish I was stronger but I am not. I wonder if anyone will ever know that we survived the initial crash. That we built this little life together and that we had some time left that the others didn’t and that some of it was good. That we loved each other and found this closeness. 

He isn’t passing very much urine now and what he does is dark and smells foul. I have learned to roll him on his side and slide another linen under him and then roll him back the other way to remove the soiled one. I take the wash down to the beach and rinse it thoroughly in the ocean. We have no soap so nothing is ever really clean but the salt water removes most stains and odors. While I work I think of how much he would hate that I am doing all this and how embarrassed he would be. He is never overbearing but he hates to show weakness. He will let me fuss over him but never if it is truly a burden to me and he always pretends to dislike it. He doesn’t though. If Josh doesn’t like something he puts a stop to it. I think of his life growing up and moving from set to set, from one cast to another. I think he likes that I care for him and that doesn’t end when the filming wraps. 

I think of his family back home and all of his friends. He has so much to live for and they need him. I wrack my brain for ideas of how to save him and wish for the millionth time that Nina was here. She is a mother and she would know what to do. I try to conjure some lifesaving technique but as I return and sit with him holding his hand all that comes to mind are memories. It starts with a small trickle of them and soon they are pouring in by the hundreds. I remember the time we went to Walmart, the time we played in the creek, the time he hit me in the vag with a nerf disk. Despite the dire nature of our circumstances I have to laugh as I tell him about each one. I remind him of the time I kicked him in the head and when he put the dummy in my trailer. I talk about pretending to be cats and how this situation is challenging and hard. I pray for the first time in a while and beg God for his life. I promise to change all of my ways and offer my life as a trade if he will just keep this boy I need alive. 

I go on for hours and when I am done I am actually really energized but he looks as lifeless as ever. “Hey man” I tell him “At least a big wave isn’t going to come and wash us out. We aren’t going to be attacked by monkeys or hit a force field, or drown in blood rain.” Our Hunger Games jokes are pathetic but we make them all the time anyway. That is when it hits me. Blood rain. Blood. I have lot of it. I grab the water jug and run some water down my arm and lift it to his face to see if he will take it. I press it to his mouth and he does let it run into his throat and he swallows reflexively. I rip a strip of cloth free and grab the knife I use for cutting fruit. I need to be careful how I do this because I don’t want the flow to be too strong. 

With his head in my lap I tie the cloth around my arm as tight as I can and I make a careful incision. It bleeds but not enough and I find that I have to cut twice more and adjust the armband a few times before I have a steady but not overwhelming flow. I fit my flesh carefully between his lips and I release a long sigh of relief when he accepts the offering. I am not sure how much I should give him so I just keep it going until I start to feel faint and then tie it off. He looks like something out of a horror film with his increasingly pale complexion and remnants of my blood smeared around his mouth. I lay back on the bed beside him trembling but not with fear. I feel physically weak but stronger in other ways than I have in years. I just did something really hard and I did it for him and I’m glad. I have a purpose that is bigger than myself and someone who needs me in an immediate and elemental way. 

I sleep for several hours and then go collect food and eat heartily as my body will need to work hard if I am to keep replenishing my blood supply. The really good news is that it didn’t make him sick. Because I have some really freaky friends I know that human blood can be quite nourishing but most people cannot keep it down. The revulsion factor people have to drinking it is too strong to overcome. Josh is too out of it to know so there is no way for it to trip is ick reflex. I feed him again three times that day and once more during the night. It’s a strange and intimate feeling to watch him drink from my body. I am not sure if I feel like a lover sharing her fluids with her partner or a mother feeding her baby. In normal life these should be mutually exclusive emotions but Josh and I are anything but normal. 

It is taxing to have so much of my effort and energy leeched from my body but I am rewarded when he opens his eyes in the wee hours of early morning. I am lying on my stomach and turn my face to see him just as he weakly lifts his hand to my back and whispers my name. His voice lifts and it sounds more like a question than a statement. “Josh” I say excitedly, sitting up and smoothing his hair. “Oh God, your awake.” Relief rushes through me as I realize that I will get to talk to him again. His eyes are clouded and he seems confused but I will take it because now that he is awake he can eat. I mash some fruit and cassava and prop him up. His eyes keep closing but I chatter on in an effort to keep him conscious. I tell him about how the weather has been and where we are at in the cycles of the moon. 

I can tell he is not in the here and now because he keeps muttering about filming and the schedule and referencing Woody and Liam like they are still alive. It is mostly nonsense so I cup his face and smile and tell him “that’s good hun. Can you take a few bites for me?” At first he keeps closing his mouth and turning his face away but I am persistent and eventually win the day and once I get him to take the first few bites his survival instincts take over and he devours every last bit that I give him. When he finishes I lay him back down and test his forehead to find that his fever has broken. His rash has faded as well. He is going to survive this. I am going to be able to keep my Joshie. 

When morning breaks over the island I rush to complete my chores as quickly as possible so I can return to him. I expect him to be awake but I don’t anticipate him sitting on his own and giving me the death stare. “I told you to leave me alone” he accuses. I would normally rise to the occasional and verbally whip his stubborn ass but I am completely drained from the lack of sleep, the loss of blood, and the amount of physical and emotional energy it has taken to keep him alive. I excepted him to thank me or even hold and kiss me and finally tell me that he loves me and that he can’t live without me and that he is ready to take our relationship to the next level but instead I get a helping of his hurt ego. I can’t take the rejection after all I have done over the last week so I do the only thing I am capable of in the moment. I burst into tears and run away. 

I make my way back to the site of the crash and throw myself to the ground and sob. There is a reason I have no trouble acting like a mess for the cameras. I am fucking dramatic sometimes but the weight of everything that has happened over the last six months is piling up on me. Eventually, the tears ebb and I take some time to study the horizon and talk to everyone who might be able to help me figure this out who isn’t around to hear me. Normally, I would go to Josh but he is the one hurting me and that isn’t like him. We never had these angry, bitter moments before we came here. We got on each other’s nerves sometimes because we are both hyper and annoying but we never fought over anything that mattered and he never intentionally hurt me. I think about walking back to camp and throwing something at him and shouting “Sorry for saving your fucking life Josh!” But I don’t. There is zero chance that will actually help the situation and he is still sick. 

While I am lost in my thoughts it gets dark and soon I am stranded without a light source. “Fuck” I curse allowed. This is why he thinks he has to protect me all the time and that I can’t take care of myself. Just when I have proven that I can care and provide for both of us I go and do something stupid like this. I have never spent a night alone outside in my life and the noises are starting to spook me. My heart starts beating faster in my chest and just when I think I am really going to freak out I see fire coming my way. This would normally enhance my nervousness but I know who the only other person on the island is. He shouldn’t be out walking around like this and I feel small and ridiculous. 

He takes the torch and stakes it into the ground beside him as he sits next to me. He looks pale but infinitely better than yesterday. “You shouldn’t have had to waste energy coming to find me” I say. “I’m sorry.” I know it is he who owes me an apology at this point but I need to stop running off and acting like a child every time my feelings are hurt. “Well” he says looking at the ground. “You shouldn’t have had to run off and hide from an asshole who criticized you for caring more about him than anyone ever has.” I open my mouth to tell him all the people in his life who love him enough to do the same but he cuts me off. “What are you doing here anyway?” I pull at my skirt nervously and avoid his gaze when I answer truthfully. “Talking to Liam. I know that sounds crazy but I thought he would understand.” Josh looks at the terribly interesting ground again and studies it hard. “It’s not crazy. I come out here to talk to him sometimes too. Well, him and Woody.” 

This surprises me. He always seems so grounded compared to me. It’s hard to imagine him doing something so fanciful. He is clearly ashamed of his earlier comment and he did come and find me despite his exhaustion so I decide to meet him halfway and reach for his hand. We sit there in the near darkness holding hands and listening to the ocean and each other’s breathing. “What do you talk about?” I ask him. He is usually a man of many words so it feels doubly special when he tells me simply “You.” I smile and grab the torch and pull him up with me. We make our way back home and I rebuild the fire so it will last until morning and eat the food he saved for me. 

“How long was I out?” he asks while I finish up. “About a week” I answer. He looks horrified as he glances down at his lap and then at our bed. “You mean you were…” his face scrunches up at the full realization of how intimately I have been attending his needs. “Yes” I say giving him an out so he doesn’t actually have to say it. “Oh God, Jen I am so sorry honey.” It was almost worth all of the shit I went through to hear him call me that. It came out so familiar like something he says everyday but it is the first time I have heard it. I turn my back on him as I always do to ready for bed and change into another bra. Just when I clip it into place I feel his hand on my arm. I had totally forgotten about the homemade bandage tied there. “Hey, what happened? Did you get hurt?” I try to shrug it off like it is no big deal. “Yeah, just scraped it.” He holds my arm still and before I can pull away unravels it and reveals the cuts. 

“Jennifer” he says his eyes full of concern and yet stern and all business. “This wasn’t an accident you cut yourself.” He knows about my past and that I have done this before. “You promised me that this wasn’t going to happen again.” My silence draws desperation out of him and I am caught off guard by the level of open pain in his voice when he pleads with me. “This can’t happen again. Please tell me what we have to do to stop this. I’ll do whatever you want but don’t hurt yourself anymore. I can’t stand to see it.” He is actually starting to worry me and I reach out and pull him close. I can feel him trembling and I run my hands over his back until his breathing slows. When I pull back I can see the worry still etched in the line of his brow. “It’s not what you think Josh.” I reassure him. “That’s how I was feeding you.” 

He looks back at the bandage and touches his mouth and I am positive he is going hurl everywhere. He does bend over and dry heave a couple of times before I manage to walk him over to the bed and lie him down. I cuddle up beside him and smooth his hair just like I have been for the last several nights. “You fed me your own blood?” he questions. “I had to. You wouldn’t eat anything and you were getting so weak. It was the only thing I could think to do.” My voice is rising because he is acting like I did some egregious and I only did what I had to do to save him. “It’s ok honey” he sooths and rubs my arm. “You did the right thing. I just can’t believe you would do that for me.” I turn over so that I can be little spoon and his arms and body curl around me. I interlace our fingers as we celebrate our survival once again and I assure him “I would do anything for you Josh. We agreed to be a family. We’re all we have now.”


	6. The Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer and Josh continue to have some confusing exchanges over Jennifer's birthday and they have a discussion about their past with Liam that they have been putting off for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always this is a work of fiction. Thanks so much to everyone who is following this story and leaving kudos and comments for me. No one in my regular life knows that I write so I need the support to keep me motivated to keep updating and I definitely want to because this story actually has turned out to be a great idea. I have written some one shots in the past but this is my first longer work.

It takes about two weeks but Josh makes a full recovery and to his great relief I never fall ill. The whole thing scared the life out of me but in a way I am glad that it happened because he never treated me quite the same way again. He remained protective but more respectfully so and more readily acknowledged my competence and ability to carry my own weight. In our normal lives that had never been an issue before but after the breakdown I had early on in our life here he had kept the kid gloves on for a while. He was constantly trying to shield me from reality and thus leaving me out of decisions and out of his life in many ways. That crumbled after his illness and he was able to let me in as an equal partner. 

I thought that we were close before but in the weeks that followed we grew inseparable. We worked alongside each other to improve the shelter and our food sources as one being. We have always done a lot together and have spent hours talking and texting. At home that meant discussing upcoming engagements and chit chatting about mutual friends. Here nothing ever happens so we mostly reminisce about our shared past and continue to mourn and remember our lost comrades. We spend time being silly too. We tell the worst jokes we have ever heard; sing the theme songs to cartoons like Sponge Bob and Cat Dog and of course reenact the jingle from the meow mix commercials by pretending to be cats. It’s nonsense really but it helps to bring us back to life. Over time we find it less and less necessary to always fill the dead space. Liam always tried to get us to meditate and we could never shut up long enough to actually try but as time moves on it feels comfortable to work, eat, sleep, pee, and do virtually anything with him by my side and not say a word. The sounds of his body: his footfalls in the sand, the light tapping of his thumb against his knee, and even the air entering and leaving his body in each breath are as constant and comforting to me as the sound of the ocean waves. They are central to what makes up my only reality. 

I back off any attempts to create anything between us that could be interpreted as romantic and it relaxes him and lets him open up to me. He even seems happy most days. The easiness between us is one of the things I have always loved the most about him. My life at home is crazy. Everyone has so many expectations for me. Josh and I are simple. He loves me because I love him and we are both fine with who the other is because we have fun together, always have each other’s backs, and agree not to push for more. It has always been so great. The problem is that I want more. He is ridiculously cute and I want to be able to kiss him whenever I want to. I try to just chill out but when we lay beside each other at night but I want to be able to throw my leg over his waist and feel him harden beneath me. When we hold hands I wonder how they would feel on my breasts and between my legs.

I try to dismiss it as sheer horniness but I know it’s more than that and although I am loath to admit it I desperately want his approval. I am a movie star and red carpet celebrity. I am used to having thousands of people constantly talking and writing about how beautiful and desirable I am. It still makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable sometimes but I like it. It’s hard to be out here without any pretty clothes, makeup, or adoring fans. It is also hard to lust after a man who seems perfectly content to be your adorable little brother most of the time. There are moments though. Moments when I feel his eyes on me when I am changing or when we are talking and he can’t meet my eyes because he is too fixated on my tits. He has to give in to it eventually I tell myself so for the time being I try my best to keep my fantasies to myself. 

I feel like I am winning this war with desire until he comes to me one morning with a huge grin and tells me that my birthday is next week. “Holy Shit” I say. “Has it really been that long?” He adds the next notch to the calendar. “Yeah, August already and I have a surprise for you.” I roll my eyes at him. “Josh, I’m not stupid. You couldn’t have possibly gotten me anything. We are in the middle of fucking nowhere and I am with you all the time. I would know if you had something for me.” He leans close and gets that sexy and adventurous look in his eyes. “You seem awfully confident of that Jennifer. I’ll have you know that I have something to give you that you will absolutely love.” As he finishes he reaches out and tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear. His voice is low and masculine and his words set a throbbing in my clit as my mind races with possibilities. I know he doesn’t have a physical object to give me so he must be planning to make me happy in other ways. 

His smile is contagious and the next seven days are agonizing but also filled with wonderful expectation and I find myself smitten to the point of giddiness thinking of what he might do to me. There are so many things that I want but none more than his face in my crotch. Shortly after the cast was first announced I was at a party with a couple of girls who had worked with him in the past and they both told me that I was really lucky because he had the most talented tongue in the business in every way. He is definitely a great press man and film promoter but I have yet to experience the rest of his talents. That hasn’t stopped me from imagining it though and I’ve spent many nights even when I was still with Nick circling my clit with a wet finger and imagining it was him brining me to release. I can’t wait to feel his warm tongue where I need it most and finally fill the empty void inside with his agile fingers. Hopefully, he lets me return the favor because most of my recent masturbatory fantasies have starred his cock in my mouth and hearing my name panted over and over again in his still deepening voice. He would die of embarrassment if I said anything but I think it has dropped another octave since we have been out here and it is doing crazy things to my head and heart never mind my treacherous body. 

On the day of my 26th birthday I wake to Josh excitedly making breakfast and talking to himself. He seems wired to the point of hyperactivity and I can’t help but giggle. The sound catches his attention and he comes over to sit beside me all shirtless and beautiful. He is giving me his best boyish grin and looks like he will just burst if he doesn’t tell me something. “Happy Birthday Jen, I’ve been waiting a really long time and I don’t think I can take it another minute so can I give you your present now?” For a second I panic. I have morning breath and I’m not that clean either but I guess he knows that so I’m game if he is so I swallow a knot of tension and excitement and give him a little nod. He leans forward and I close my eyes in anticipation of his kiss when he reaches past me under our makeshift mattress and pulls out a bundle of cloth. He hands it to me and I unwrap it in confusion to find a small rectangular box. 

I must look incredibly confused because he takes it from me and holds it up. “They’re playing cards.” He tells me excitedly. “I found them months ago when I was out scouting but I wanted to save them for a special occasion. They must have fallen from the plane and ended up pretty far from the site. Might have been Woody’s because they are in some funky box that smells like pot.” He is rattling on excitedly and taking them out to show me but his face falls when he sees mine. “What’s the matter Jen? Does that upset you that they were his? We don’t have to play with them you have just told me so many times that you miss playing games. I thought you would like them and I wanted to surprise you.” I cannot let him see how disappointed I am. He clearly thought a lot about this and it is a very sweet gift. It is also completely mortifying how wrong I was reading his signals. 

“I love them Josh. I was just surprised that’s all. Of course I want to play with them.” My interest and thanks reassure him and pretty soon we are seated across from one another playing war. We eat the same things every day here so he tries to make it special by just feeding me more. We run through every card game we can think of that can be played with two players and one deck and it actually is fun. By the end of the day I find that I am tired from overeating and from laughing more than I have in a while. The sun is setting and the sky is gorgeous so I take his hand and pull him up. “Come on, let’s take a walk. I want to enjoy my first sunset as a 26 year old.” We walk hand in hand and I intertwine our fingers. The sound of the waves is hypnotic and I close my eyes and just feel the moment. When we reach the strip closest to our camp I pull him close for a hug and refuse to let go. My nose finds his hair and I whisper “Thank you Josh. It really has been one of the best birthdays I can remember.” When we pull back he tells me “See, I know you pretty well Jen. “ Oh God, if he only knew. 

We settle down for the night but I can’t sleep and I can tell from his breathing that he is awake too. He always is and it makes me curious so I turn to him and prop myself up on one elbow. “How come you always stay awake so late Josh?” He considers for a moment before responding “I don’t and we don’t actually know how late we stay up any way.” He is right but I feel like there is more to it. “You’re always still awake when I go to bed” I tell him. “Yeah” he answers a bit sheepishly. “I wait for you to go to sleep first.” I consider this and it fits our usual pattern. “Why?” I ask genuinely curious. He looks uncomfortable and gets defensive saying “I just want to make sure you’re safe ok?” That doesn’t make any sense at all but if he is going to get all huffy about it I’m not going to press the issue. We’ve had a great time and it is my birthday. I let the silence continue for a while before asking him what I have been debating for the past 30 minutes. “Josh? Will you hold me tonight? For my birthday?” 

When we first came here I spent every night in his arms but since his stint of sleeping in the hammock we have kept our distance. Sometimes we wake up in the morning wrapped up in each other but we always fall asleep on our own and don’t make the conscious choice to cuddle before bed. The fire died down early tonight and I can’t see his face but he reaches out across the space between us and pulls me close. I lay my head on his chest and cautiously pull my leg over him too. I am careful not to put it right over his package but rather just intertwine our legs. He lets out a long breath and uses the hand not holding me to him to hold mine and run his thumb along the back of it gently. 

Being here with him like this feels heavenly and I am about to drift off when I am roused by a small chuckle from him. “What’s so funny?” I ask him. He doesn’t answer but I feel him shake his head in the darkness. “Spill it Hutcherson” I insist. “I was just thinking, it’s a good thing you didn’t give me something when you shared your blood with me when I was sick.” That is a super random thought but I fail to see how it’s funny. “And why is that funny?” I ask. He laughs again and I find that I like the low rumbling against my ear. “Nothing, just being here with you like this and the way things are. We would have a hell of a time convincing them that it wasn’t sexually transmitted. You would tell them the truth and they’d think you were lying. That you just made that shit up so you didn’t have to admit that you screwed me.” 

It is kind of funny but the way he is talking about it doesn’t sit well with me. “First of all, if we screwed I would never deny it to our friends and family. You know I hate talking about my relationships with the press and second of all I promise I didn’t give you AIDS!” My attitude is more than a bit haughty coming from a woman in the arms of a man who went to great lengths to give her a good birthday. His insinuation that I would get into a relationship with him and then lie about it stings but I guess that isn’t what he was actually saying. He was saying that other people would assume that I would do that. Would they? Do people really think that I screw around with him in private and then deny it to the cameras because of my image? God, I hope not. I would never want to be that bitch. He is quiet and I think my attitude might have been too much before it hits me. How could I have made some cheap joke about AIDS? 

I lift my head and can just make out the profile of his face in the light of the moon. “I’m sorry Joshy. I shouldn’t have said that. I know it’s personal to you and I know how serious of a disease it is and I never want to make light of it.” Josh had an uncle who died of AIDS a long time ago and it had a big impact on his family. He sighs and pulls my cheek back to his chest and runs his fingers through my hair. “It’s not that Jen. I know you didn’t mean anything by it. It’s you. I was just thinking if we were home you could have had a real party today and spent it with your friends and family.” He sounds sad and I reach for his hand again. “I did Joshy” I tell him sincerely. “I’ll always remember it.”

“Thanks Jen” he answers.” I just wish I could have done more. We are kind of short on alcohol and party venues here.” We both laugh a little and then he resumes his serious tone. “I’m so sorry for everything. I’m sorry you’re missing out on your life, I’m sorry you aren’t with your family. I’m sorry that damn plane went down. I know you missed him today.” I don’t have to ask who he is talking about and I am instantly filled with guilt and shame. I hadn’t thought about any of them even one time today. My first birthday without one of my best friends in the whole world and it didn’t even register. I’ve been so tied up in this tug of sexual frustration war with Josh. I can’t admit it to him though. God, what would he think of me? So I do what I have done my whole life whenever the situation has suited me. I lie. 

“Yeah, I missed them all today.” He remains thoughtful as he continues to stroke my hair. “He would have been really proud of how well you’ve done. It was really hard at first because I missed him so much but at the same time a part of me was glad that he isn’t here.” His words shock me. I’ve never heard him say something so selfish before. “Why?” I ask on a whisper. “Because being trapped here like this and everything we’ve been through and you’re so beautiful. You guys would have gotten back together for sure and I hate being the third wheel.” I have no idea where he gets this stuff. “Josh” I say in my best indignant tone. “Miley was the love of his life, he would not have hooked up with me on this island and you would never be a third wheel. We were always a threesome. If anything it usually felt like Joshifer plus Liam.” 

Josh doesn’t seem convinced. “That’s where you have the Katniss part down cold. You could never read men worth a shit sweetheart. He wasn’t over you Jen. He was trying to move on because you guys split but he still loved you. I don’t even know why you guys broke up in the first place. He would never tell me.” That’s it; I am getting to the bottom of this once and for all. He has always acted weird about that time Liam and I spent together and I want to know why. I prop myself up so I can make out his face again and the darkness helps give me the courage to start asking some of the questions that have been swirling in my mind well over a year. “Why do you think Liam and I were so serious? Because we weren’t. I had just gotten out of a relationship and he was single and attractive and we went out on a couple of dates. It wasn’t an epic romance.” 

Josh gives me a sarcastic chuckle full of bitterness and sits up. “That’s bullshit and I know it Jen. Its fine that you fell for him I just wish you wouldn’t have shut me out. You always talked to me about Nick but then when you started seeing Liam you never said anything, not even after you guys broke up. I would see you every day and you would just act like nothing happened.” I don’t deserve his anger over this and it irritates me. “Because there was nothing to talk about” I shoot back at him “just tell me why the hell you care so much. Going out on a date with a friend and sharing a couple of kisses is no big deal.” He is still so long that I think he isn’t going to answer me when he says softly “You only did it with him though. You never went out on a date with me.” I know he just admitted to feeling insecure but my eyes still narrow in anger. “Because he’s the only one who ever asked me Josh.” 

He turns this over in his head and seems surprised that I’m right about this. I’m just about to press the point further when his expression turns sad and he looks down at his hands. “He told me Jen, he told me everything.” Ok, this is starting to creep me out. “What? What did he tell you? Because I seriously don’t know.” Uncertainty crosses his features and mingles with the sadness. “After you had gone out a couple of times I asked him how it was going and he told me that you were taking the physical part slow since you were so important to each other but that you were in love. He was so excited. He wanted to take you home to meet his family and talked about where you might be able to work out a compromise to live after we were done filming. I’ve never seen him so happy and then you guys just broke up a short time later and you acted like it never happened. I could tell he was devastated but he wouldn’t talk about it. I know you guys split some time before we went to Germany because you stayed in my room that night we got in but I couldn’t figure out when or what happened.” 

By the end of his story my hand is covering my mouth in horror. “Oh no” I say desperate to take it all back. “I fucked this up big time. Josh, I broke his heart and I didn’t even know it. Honest to God I thought it was just a casual thing that never turned into anything more. I can’t believe I did that. He never told me his feelings ran deeper. We went out a few times and we mostly just talked about things the three of us have done together and Jenna and Sam and everyone and there just wasn’t anything else there. At least I thought there wasn’t. Oh shit, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to lead him on I swear.” I’m nearly hyperventilating now and Josh turns me around and pulls my back to his chest to let his steady breathing calm me. I match the pace of his and soon I am calm but exhausted. 

Our conversation seems to have leeched all the anger and frustration out of him and now he just sounds concerned. “So when did you break it off with him? I thought you were still together when we left Atlanta and by the time we got to Europe you weren’t.” I sniff a little and tell him what I know he would be better off not hearing. “That’s just the thing; we hadn’t decided it wasn’t working yet.” He turns me so that he can see my face in the dim light “what are you saying Jennifer?” Now I’m afraid he is going to be mad as I continue. “I thought we were just going on a few dates for fun. I didn’t imagine he thought I was his girlfriend. We got in late that night and I was tired and cranky and nervous about the press we were going to face the next day. I didn’t want to be alone. He came to say goodnight and I was coming out of my room and I told him that I was going to sleep with you that night and well you know what happened. I slept with you that night so I wouldn’t be nervous and so that I could be fresh for the next day. Then at lunch he asked me where I thought things were going and I said I was cool with just being friends and he said he was too and that was that.” 

Josh lets out a low groan and holds his head in his hands. “I totally screwed over my best friend” he says. “I thought it was over between you two and that’s why you were upset and came to my room. Shit, he probably hated me for that.” I feel awful about what I did to them both. “He didn’t hate you. He loved you. You were loyal to him and what we did wasn’t wrong. I slept with you all the time when I was dating Nick and Chris. You didn’t seem to mind then and we never did anything.” Josh looks at me like I have five heads. “Sleeping with your best friend’s girl is wrong Jen. I know you didn’t want me like that but you came for comfort and love and you should have been getting that from him. How do you think it made him feel when he heard you say that you preferred another man’s bed to his? I shouldn’t have let you come to me all those times when you were with Nick and Chris but I knew that you needed me and I just couldn’t tell you no.” I should have stared in Clueless. I totally misread Liam, I thought Chris actually gave a shit about me and he didn’t, Nick insisted that I never understood him, and I had no idea Josh had these misgivings about our nights together. If I suck this bad at understanding relationships what else am I missing? 

His face looks tortured and I hug him close to sooth him. “I love you” I tell him. “I know I’ve put you in some bad spots and if I was a better person I would probably regret it but I don’t. I feel close to you and I won’t give that up. I’m so sorry it hurt Liam though. You’re wrong about him not being over me though. He told me on that last press tour that Miley was the one and that he was going to marry her. I was happy for them. I just wish he would have gotten the chance to. I know it hurt to talk this out but I’m glad we did and it finally makes more sense to me why we were on such different pages about it. If I was really in love I would have talked to you about it. We don’t have secrets remember?” He nods and it is early morning by the time we both fall asleep filled with regret and bitterness over what transpired with Liam. I just wish that I really wasn’t keeping any secrets from him.


	7. The Offering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer is ready to move her relationship with Josh to the next level but he isn't so sure. Tired of waiting for him to come around she devises a plan to hurry things along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always this is a work of fiction and purely for entertainment. Thanks so much to everyone who has been following this story and commenting. You keep me motivated to keep writing. I am really busy so this is all I will be working on for a while. This story is really original so I don't want to abandon it. I will be moving the rating to E because of some of the language in this chapter and some of the content that will be coming in the next few. Josh is a really stubborn guy but we as readers understand that there is more at stake for him than what Jennifer believes at this stage in the game.

Our life here is dominated by endless routine. It takes most of our effort just to keep ourselves alive. For the first 6 months we got drenched every time it rained but now the shelter is sufficient enough that we at least always have a dry place to sleep. The heat can be intense and there are times when it zaps our energy completely. I haven’t had a routine in a long time and I find that it drastically reduces my anxiety but that it is also extremely boring. We play lots of games to fill our down time and even invent some new ones. Josh also found a small notebook and he spends some time writing in it. I want to take a look at it but whenever he finishes a page he keeps it with him for a while and then burns it in the fire. He says it’s therapeutic but it’s a waste of our only paper if you ask me. 

We’ve been on the island a long time now and I know we are both starting to wonder if we will ever be found. Will I grow old standing on this beach and sleeping with Josh in our little makeshift house? I am feeling particularly whiny and miserable one afternoon and I haven’t been out of bed all day. Josh tried to get me motivated to go fishing with him this morning but I stubbornly refused to budge insisting that we had enough food for the next day or so. He decided to go out any way and now I am laying here feeling even more wretched without him. I don’t want him to return and find that I still haven’t moved so I reluctantly dress and run my fingers through my hair. I get things around for the evening meal and have it prepared by the time he returns. 

He got a good catch today but he remains quiet over dinner and silent as we sit in the surf watching the sun go down. “Are you ok Jen?” he finally asks. I hang my head a bit and sigh. “Yeah, I’m fine. It just sucks here. I am so hot and bored and I know I should be happy to be alive and all but sometimes I’m not.” I expect him to look hurt or to lecture me on how fortunate we both were to have survived the crash at all but instead he appears sympathetic. “I know. Sometimes I feel pretty bummed to. I’m trying to keep my head up but it’s ok to admit that life sucks on occasion. I just need to know that you’ll be able to get up tomorrow, that you are still in this thing with me. What you did when we first got here scared the shit out of me.” 

I remember that period and how alone I left him and that it really wasn’t that long ago. “It’s nothing like that, I promise. It was just a bad day. I know I’m fucked up but I really miss Pippi. I need my cuddly dog time and I sure as hell need a smoke.” He gives me half of a smile but I can see how tense he still is. I scoot up behind him and begin to rub his shoulders. “Here hun” I offer. “I made you fish for both of us today so let me get some of that tension out.” He relaxes and lets me runs my hands over his shoulders and back and down his arms. This isn’t exactly the way I would like to work out our stress together but given the level of interest he has shown me lately this will have to do. He gives a moan of pleasure as I work out a particularly tight knot under his left shoulder blade and I feel myself grow almost instantly wet. I close my eyes and imagine hearing that sound in another context with both of us naked and him pushing inside me. I run my hands down his sides close to those incredibly enticing hip bones that point right to his cock. I wonder if he would be able to resist if I reached around and covered it with my hand. 

His words jolt me from my sexual revelry. “I know how you are Jen. You’re feeling bad because you miss your dog and because you ditched chores today but you shouldn’t. I miss Driver too and I would give anything right now for a beer. It was fine to take a day off work; you deserve some time to relax. But I want to erase those guilty thoughts from your pretty little head. Just because we survived when the others didn’t doesn’t mean that we still won’t care about everything in our old life. The big and little things made up who we were there and it’s like we are different people without them. I feel it too. It doesn’t mean that we didn’t care about them or that we should feel bad for thinking about normal stuff again.” His words are an enormous comfort to me until he continues. “It was no problem for me to fish solo for a few hours. You don’t have to do this back rub thing to make it up.”

I move and scoot up behind him so that his lower back is pressed against my crotch and wrap my legs around him. My arms likewise circle his back and I rest my chin on his shoulder. “Why do you always do that?” I ask. “Why do you always act like I am doing things from bad motivations? I want to give you a back rub ok? I want to touch you. I want to run my hands all over you. You’re so strong and it feels so good to be together like this.” He turns his head and brings a finger to my lips to silence me. “Why?” I plead with him. “Why can’t I just say what I’m feeling?” I want to continue but he shushes me again. “Because things are complicated and you don’t really want to. It’s just circumstances Jen; they aren’t your real feelings.” His explanation makes sense to me in my head but in my heart I know that they are probably the most real feelings I have ever had. I fell for Nick because we were working on a movie together and he was nice. I dated Liam and Chris because everyone I knew said I should because they were hot and famous. I’m falling for Josh because he has been my best friend for years and he knows everything about me and still loves me without condition. He has saved my life dozens of times and always puts me first in everything. He is kind and compassionate. He is energizing and infuriating and brings out the passionate side of me. I am better when I am with him than I am on my own. Those all seem like completely legitimate reasons for my heart to beat faster when our bodies are close and for my pussy to ache with want for his mouth and his cock. 

I just need to get him to see that we should follow our instincts. We are quite literally Adam and Eve out here and there is no reason we should be kept apart. I don’t want to be lonely anymore and I don’t want him to be either. I know there is Claudia but she isn’t here and memories of her aren’t going to be enough to make him happy. He needs a real flesh and blood woman loving him every day. His dick needs to be stroked and sucked on. He needs someone panting and moaning in his ear and begging him to fuck her again. He needs me. He needs his best friend to turn lover and show him how manly and desirable he is. I know he wants all of that from me and more, I just need to tempt him hard enough to take the chance on us. 

Over the next several days I scheme and dream. I give up fighting my emotions and hormones and let myself want him. Once I let loose of the reins, my desires increase tenfold. I stare at him with a sappy look on my face while we work. He fucks me every night in my head while I sleep. One night after spending an evening of playing cards and laughing together I can tell we are both feeling particularly outrageous and I decide to look for an opening to put one of my plans into action. At first, I was just going to roll over on him in bed some night and beg him to take me or just reach across and put my hand down his pants but I need some reassurances from him. I want to temp him, but I want him to decide to be with me. I am Jennifer fucking Lawrence for Christ sake. This shouldn’t be completely one sided. 

When he leans over to put the cards away I lay back and hike my skirt up. When I know he is looking I place my hand on my crotch over my panties and give it a few gentle rubs. “Hmm” I moan with pleasure. His eyes are glimmering with desire and mirth and he decides to tease me back. “What’s the matter Jen? You miss your vibrator that much?” I have always been ridiculously open with him and we have discussed the virtues of my toys many times. “Yessssss” I hiss continuing to touch myself. It is mostly just for show to turn him on but it actually feels pretty good. “If I had my vibrator here it would definitely be turned on high.” He is staring at my fingers as I rub my core and he gives me a sly smile. “I bet you wouldn’t stop there Jen.” This I didn’t expect. He has turned the tables and is taking it a step further before putting the ball back in my court. 

If he thinks I am going to back down he has another thing coming. Retreat is not in my game plan tonight. “No” I sigh slipping my fingers under my waist band and stroking my clit more directly. “I would also need my dildo and a butt plug. What good is an orgasm if you can’t feel all filled up when you come?” I ask. He knows I like those kinds of toys but I’ve never talked to him about them in my thick and sexy voice before and certainly not while masturbating. I don’t miss the way he swallows and readjusts his pants. Well, it’s now or never so I decide to take it one step farther. “Does this make you hard Josh?” He doesn’t answer but rather looks away for the first time. “Have you thought about what I would look like pushing and pulling a dildo out of my vag? What I would sound like using a vibrator to get myself off with my ass filled up with a toy? His expression and voice are calm when he answers. “You know the answers to all those questions Jen.” 

This is working but not as well as I want so I sit up and take his hand with the one that is obviously covered with my natural lubricant. “Come on Joshy” I tease. “Let’s get ready for bed.” We grab a change of clothes and head down to the water. It is nearly dusk and we follow our usual routine of wading out a little and then turning our backs to clean up before we change. It’s not super sanitary and you still get sand everywhere but it’s better than being sticky with sweat and smelling like BO all night. He is clearly distracted as he doesn’t even notice when I turn around and approach him and I smile to myself because I know why. 

I stand behind him and watch as he drops his pants. He is fully erect and he can’t help but give it a couple of quick strokes before he bends down to get a couple of handfuls of water to wash with. Fuck, I want him so bad. This had better work or I am going to implode from unresolved sexual arousal. I can tell the moment that he realizes I am watching him because he freezes and stiffens a little. “Jennifer?” he questions. “What are you doing?” He finishes the question as he slowly turns around and when he sees me my intentions are clear. He has certainly caught glimpses of me through our years of filming and even more often since we have been here but this is the first time I have ever stood before him so proudly and completely nude. My nipples are hard little buds from a combination of want and the gentle ocean breeze and I am overwhelming grateful yet again that I had virtually all of my body hair removed for my career. He is staring at my body in awe and I know there is no chance that he doesn’t want me but still he doesn’t move. 

I tell myself to just close the distance and take what I want but my inner dominatrix can’t beat a lifetime of self-doubt when it comes to my figure and my sexuality. Instead, I lower my eyes and bite my lower lip which I know for a fact he finds sexy because he told Liam once when we thought I was sleeping. I lift my hands to my chest and run them over my breasts and then cup them underneath in a silent offering. He couldn’t get any harder and I can’t tell if the moisture I see is pre-cum or from the ocean spray. He stares at me like I am his first woman and it makes me blush and I let out a nervous giggle. I am hoping for one of his lazy smiles because if he can take this as something fun to do together than I am golden. His face grows hard though and instead of opening his arms to me he turns away and stalks towards the beach in disgust. 

My cheeks burn in embarrassment but there is no reason to try to salvage my pride because I already made a total fool of myself so I run after him. We are back to camp by the time I reach him and I shimmy on a pair of panties and slip on one of his shirts. He may have some grumpy superior attitude going on but I am plenty angry myself. “Why not Josh?” I practically yell. “Why the fuck not?” He stops pacing and grabs my arms painfully tight like he wants to shake some sense into me. It’s the first time I have ever been afraid of him. “This isn’t a game Jen.” He tells me in frustration. “This is our lives. I know you get these pretty ideas in your head and I am the only guy here but real life is more complicated than that. There is a whole world back across the ocean and we aren’t a couple in it. I know it seems like it now, but we won’t be here forever and there are more people in the world than just you and me.” 

“So that’s how it’s going to be?” I spit back. “We are both going to be celibate until someone finds us or one of us dies? It could be years and things could be so good between us. You’d rather be on your high horse than let me blow you? We both know the brother sister stuff is bullshit at this point and probably always was so don’t give me that. I see the way you look at me. You’ve thought about fucking me for years and you can’t take your eyes off of my ass. Admit it, when you jerk off it’s my tits you picture not hers.” That may have been a bridge too far but I am pissed God dammit and any filter I might have had has been burnt up in anger and resentment. He looks so miserable and I calm my breathing a little. “Josh” I say using my hand to indicate his prominent erection. “Look at you. You’re hard as a brick. Let me take care of you.” 

He sits at the table and barriers his head in his hands. “Why do you do this to me Jen? I am trying so fucking hard to do the right thing.” I sit next to him and put a hand on his knee. “So what’s the right thing because at this point I can’t see how us being apart is the right decision for anyone.” He keeps his head down and his shoulders shake slightly and at first I think he is crying but when he lifts his eyes to meet mine they are dark and clear. “The right thing Jen. Not cheat on Claudia. Give you the respect you deserve. Live up to what my family taught me. Be the man and the friend Woody and Liam and your family would expect me to be. Not let circumstances force you into a relationship you don’t really want, that you are likely to regret when we get home.” God, he always takes the whole world on his shoulders. 

I lean over and kiss his cheek but I let my lips linger. “It doesn’t have to be that way.” I tell him. “You said yourself that things are different here. We’re a family, we make our own rules. It’s not an all or nothing thing and I think everyone would understand. We can agree that what happens on the island can stay on the island. When we are rescued and go back home we can make decisions from there on what our relationship is and what we want to do. It doesn’t mean we can’t be together now.” I know I won’t be able to keep my heart in check like that but if he needs no promises of tomorrow to give me a chance to make him happy that’s fine because I know I can. If he would just let me I think I could blow his mind. I can tell from his pained expression that I haven’t convinced him though. He shakes his head at me and says sadly “No, I can’t do that. It would kill me.” 

He takes a walk down the beach by himself that night and I cry myself to sleep. My deepest fears have been realized. He doesn’t want me enough to change the status of our relationship. I offered him my body, my affection, my thoughts, and my feelings and he just said no thank you I’m afraid it would be the wrong decision. Deep down I always thought he had a crush on me. That if Nick and I broke up someday that he would jump at the chance if I opened the door. Apparently that was a total illusion. It is embarrassing to be turned down by someone I thought I could have if I wanted and it hurts my pride, but it hurts my heart more to realize that my best friend doesn’t can’t picture me as anything more. 

 

Unfortunately, my feelings for him do not wane in the days that follow and the mood at our camp is sad and hollow. We go through the motions and barely speak to each other. Every once in a while I will hear that voice in my head that I have had since I was a kid telling me that I’m not good enough, that I’m not worth it. It had been quieted over the last several years by having a famous and successful boyfriend, winning several prominent awards, making loads of money, having millions of fans, and having two best friends who stuck by me and loved me no matter what. Its volume has increased now and with a vengeance. Every now and then he will catch me with tears on my face and try to comfort me but I turn him away. This pain is real and I have the right to feel it. 

He sleeps in the hammock again and spends a lot of time writing in his little journal. I am beyond moody and fluctuate between hating him with everything that I am for hurting me and loving him so completely that I think I can’t live without him. Josh is less dramatic but no less confusing. Sometimes he tiptoes around me apologetically and sometimes he is openly hostile to my refusal to return to the common ground of friendship. He keeps looking out for me though, making sure I get the best of our food, doing more than his share of the chores and even picking exotic flowers and leaving them on my clothes or in our bed. 

I am mulling over his contradictory behavior one night trying to decide if it is an olive branch or a courtship ritual when he rips out another page of the journal he has been working on and tosses it into the fire. It is windy tonight and although it catches for a moment it is quickly blown away. I glance at the hammock and see that he has turned over and soon hear the telltale signs of sleep. I slip out of bed and make a small torch by taking a stick out of the fire and search for the paper. Luckily it caught in some brush a few short steps away. I feel like a secret agent as I make my way back to the fire and examine it. The fire has burned parts of the page away but many lines are still clearly readable. 

My heart sinks as I see the heading and realize that it is a letter to Claudia. He loves her so much that he has been writing to her even though there is no hope that she will read it. I scan the first few lines and almost throw up. I don’t want to know that he loves and misses her and how sorry he is that this whole thing happened. Tears are starting to run down my face but I am quiet, careful not to wake him. I am ready to toss it back into the fire when a line halfway down the page catches my eye. I’m sorry I can’t do this in person but I think it would be better if things were over between us. The damage is too bad to read the whole passage but other words fill me with hope. I don’t want to hurt you but I can’t keep hurting her either. You need someone who can be with you and I can’t. I’ve tried so hard but I can’t hold back the things she is making me feel. You deserve better than a man who is always thinking of someone else and I can’t get her out of my mind. I feel awful because I know this was your worst fear and I promised you it would never happen. I can’t tell her no when she needs me this much. 

I read it over a dozen times and commit his deepest thoughts to memory and then burn the evidence. A grin graces my mouth as I slip under the covers and I laugh to myself that I won’t be alone in this bed for long. He cares for me and wants me the same way I want him. I stay awake late into the night rehearsing everything I want to tell him when he works up the courage to be with me. I try to sleep but now that I know he’s breaking up with Claudia I can’t stop myself from imagining our lovemaking again. Finally, I give in and slip a finger inside myself while I rub one out picturing his face while I ride him or suck him off. It relieves the pressure enough for me to drift off but my final thought is a disturbing one. I hope they don’t find us before he gets a chance to act on the words of his letter. It is the first time I have been more afraid to go home than I am of staying.


	8. Surprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh's birthday is full of surprises for both he and Jen. Some of them are planned and some of them are spontaneous and none of them are exactly what they are expecting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always this is just a fictional story for the entertainment of the masses. Thanks so much to everyone who is following along on this journey with these two fascinating characters. They are not always the most mature, but they are faithful and lovable and there is never a dull moment. Please leave me comments as that is the only way I know what you are thinking and what you like about this adventure of Joshifer alone on an island.

Josh and I have had our ups and downs on the Island but at the end of the day we pretty much just have to move on and keep a close relationship because we are literally the only fucking people here. And by that I mean the only people, not the only people who are fucking because we aren’t fucking and it’s really starting to piss me off. It’s not like we can avoid each other or just spend more time with our other friends. The worst part is I can’t even bitch about it to anyone. After I found the letter to Claudia I eased up on the gloomy attitude and the crying stopped. I guess I just need to let him come to terms with it in his own time but my cunt sure doesn’t agree. 

He is also driving me totally insane with the flowers. He leaves them for me all the time and even goes out of his way exploring and climbs really high to find new kinds. Guys have sent me flowers lots of times before but I knew they just made a phone call or ordered them online. Here you have to go out in the heat and risk life and limb sometimes but they are the only pretty thing in our world. Everything we brought with us on the plane is worn and gross by this point. Finding them on our table, on my bed, and all around me when I get up in the morning sends little zings of joy straight to my heart. He thinks of me. It’s sweet and romantic, and completely annoying given that he turned me down flat the last time I got naked.

As I warm back up to him he also takes to getting all handsy with me. One morning I find that he is back in our bed with one arm holding me to his chest and his other hand on my ass. When we move about camp he finds reasons to touch me. His hands find the small of my back under his shirt when we walk on the beach. He kisses my cheek in the morning and curls behind me at night so that I can feel his breath on my neck. I am emotionally transported back in time to making the movies and going on press tours with him. Even then his playful flirting and stray hands were distracting and exciting. We swore to stay friends because we didn’t want to lose each other and the Hollywood dating scene is virtually a guaranteed goodbye eventually. Still, every time I saw him I was happy and I wanted that happiness to last forever. Being friends was the best way to achieve that. 

Things are different now though. His birthday is in a few days and we have almost been here a year. As much as I have talked about letting what happens on the island stay on the island I know there is no going back to the way we were. I can’t pretend anymore that there isn’t anything between us. I can’t go back and watch him fall for someone else. Just imagining another woman sharing his bed, taking his name, having his baby, makes me want to hurl. That is what worries me most. I’m not just daydreaming about screwing him anymore. I’m starting to want things I never gave serious thought to with Nick. When I see the future I am starting to think less in terms of me and more in terms of us. 

Despite our signal swap on my birthday he did come up with a pretty amazing present given our circumstances so I have been wracking my brain about what to give him and coming up with squat. He is suspicious when I decline to go foraging with him today but I want some time alone to go through what we salvaged from the plane. As soon as he disappears from sight I start sorting. Josh usually only wears his shorts or boxer briefs so most of his clothes that we recovered are in remarkable shape except for the button down shirts that have become a part of my wardrobe. We also have a bunch of Liam’s clothes and some that belonged to Woody, Francis, and Nina. I am not sure what we are going to do with them but we made sure to save everything we could find just in case. When I get to my things I take a moment to run my hands over the costly accessories and fine Dior dresses. They are classy and gorgeous and so not me. 

I’ve never felt 100% comfortable in all the finery they put me in and as I slip one of them over my head I realize that they feel even more foreign after a year of living in hard conditions and total seclusion. I remember talking to Francis the night before the big premier for Mockingjay 1 and asking him if I looked like a little girl playing dress up with her mother’s clothes. “No” he told me “you just feel that way on the inside.” I guess my insides still haven’t grown into my fashion icon status. We have no mirror so I go down to the water to get a look at my reflection. The daily work and hunter gatherer diet have made my body lean and muscular and my breasts no longer completely fill out the bodice. I wince a little and find a dress a bit more suited to my new figure. It isn’t perfect but I think it will do for a nice picnic tomorrow. I lay out clothes for Josh too. He will fuss that it’s too hot to wear pants but it isn’t going to kill him to have a real lunch date with me on a special occasion. 

He is cranky when he returns and sees what I have been up to. “Jennnnnnnn” he wines. “I don’t want to get dressed up and go on some fake date with you for my birthday.” I would be hurt if he was being genuine but I can tell when he is just giving me a hassle because he thinks it’s funny to irritate me. “Well I like that” I reply in a haughty tone. “Not too long ago you were bitching that I never asked you out on a date. Now you are bitching that I did. Tough crowd here on abstinence island.” I’m still wearing one of my dresses and heels and I put my hand on my hip to emphasize my queen bee status. “It just so happens that you have no choice Joshy. I want a nice meal with real clothes and real life conversation that isn’t about getting food or when we think someone will find this God forsaken place and you are my only option to get it.” 

When I finish I notice that he has a strange expression on his face and I can’t quite place it. I turn back to folding clothing and he sneaks up behind me and skims his lips down my neck. His right arm reaches around me to stroke mine as he whispers in my ear. “On second thought, spending a few hours looking at you in this dress might be worth my time.” I smile and move so that he is nuzzling the side of my face. “Yeah?” I question him. My voice comes out husky and sexy as hell even in my own ears. “Yeah” he responds, continuing to rub his nose and scruffy chin all the way down to my shoulder. “Especially if you keep leaning over to give me the full view. We can chat and play footsie. I’ll pretend we have wine and when we’re finished I can cuddle up beside you and put my mouth right here and do this.” Right as he finishes those perfectly seductive words he lets out that loud snorting sound in my ear that scares the life out of me. 

I jump about a foot and scream at him. “Josh Hutcherson you know I hate that!” He laughs and runs away from me. I don’t even have to consider it, I give chase right away. “Come back here you Fucker!” He is much faster than me so when I catch up to him as we near the beach I know he wants to play. Without breaking stride I plow into him and wrestle him to the ground. We roll over a couple of times fighting for the dominant position. I wrap my legs around him because lower body is where I get the best leverage but his superior upper body strength wins the day and I soon find myself pinned under him. We are both out of breath from effort and laughter and I can’t help the way my body responds to his. My panties are wet and I know my face is flushed and my chest is heaving. My breasts ache for his hands and my lips for his kisses. I promised myself I wouldn’t push it further though so I just take his hand when he stands and helps me up. 

Our light mood continues for the rest of the evening and through our card playing. It isn’t until we are lying in bed that he talks about home. “I wonder how my family is doing.” He ponders. “I’m sure they think I’m dead and this has got to be a tough milestone. I just wish I could tell them I’m alright you know.” I nod and remove his hand from mine so that I can play with his fingers. It’s really hard to take care of someone else. To fill in all the gaps that losing everyone else has left behind. I try though. “I know they miss you Josh and I know it’s selfish but I’m glad we’re together. I don’t know what I would do without you. If you don’t want to do the picnic tomorrow that’s fine. We can do anything you want. Just tell me.” He kisses my forehead and pulls me close. “We can have the picnic Jen. I was just giving you shit. It will be fun. Me and you eating on the beach. Just like Hawaii.” 

“Sure” I say. “Just like Hawaii minus the nice beach houses, internet and the craft service food.” He considers this for a moment. “Well, at least we don’t have to listen to those annoying ass I-Max cameras.” Our eyes meet playfully in the fading light and we say in unison “Silver Linings.” 

I awake the next morning to strong arms holding me tight and the glorious smell of a man. I think that is what I miss the most when I am single: the masculine scent on my sheets. Josh is muttering in his sleep and sporting a serious morning wood which is pressed firmly against my backside. I really want to pull down my panties and angle myself up a little so I can just slide it into my aching heat but I am afraid to move. He is grinding and thrusting gently against me and I don’t want it to end. His voice is rough with sleep as he pants softly “yeah baby just like that. So good I want you so bad.” I smile a little because he sounds like a softcore porn video but it is totally turning me on. He gets more into it and my breathing picks up. The only thing keeping me from completely enjoying it is the fear that he is dreaming of her. 

His hand finds my breast and the nipple instantly pebbles. My clit aches for stimulation too and just as I press two fingers over it I feel his muscles go taught and a deep groan of “Jennifer” leaves his lips. I am frozen but not by fear. I feel like my heart nearly stops when I come to the full realization that he just creamed in his pants over a wet dream of me. I try to stay still but my mouth forms his name before I can stop it. He sits up still groggy and wipes a hand across his face. When his eyes adjust to the light he can see how I am staring at him and how our bodies are positioned on the bed. I am not sure if he feels or sees the wet spot in his pants first but when he does a look of horror falls across his face. 

He jumps up and turns his back to me while quickly grabbing another pair of pants. When I realize he is leaving the camp I get up to stop him. “Josh” I yell. “What are you doing? You don’t have to leave. It’s fine. It’s your birthday come back and have breakfast with me.” He keeps walking and although I want him to come back it occurs to me that he might be embarrassed. I suppose no guy wants a woman to preview his unfiltered sexual fantasies and no man in his twenties wants anyone to know that he still has wet dreams. I don’t mind though. I think it’s awesome that he was thinking about me; that his subconscious wants me so much that it had to act out. It’s also pretty flattering that just imagining being with me along with rubbing against my warm body made him cum. 

I get more than a little bit of smug satisfaction out of his clear preference for me when his brain is uninhibited and it puts a bounce in my step as I make the preparations for his birthday lunch. I take extra time to prepare each kind of food the way he likes it and to arrange it in as pretty a way as possible. By the time the sun is high in the sky I have everything ready. I sit at the table and recall his words yesterday about leaning over to give him the full view. He may have been teasing me but he knew how much cleavage this dress can show because I have worn it before and he remembered so he was definitely looking at me. I can’t wait for him to join me so that I can give him another peak. 

Hours stretch on but he never returns. Heat begins to spoil the food. Disappointment sinks in because I really did want to do something nice for him. I know I should just eat but I keep waiting because I want him here with me. That’s the whole problem for me now. No matter how much he rejects me I can’t stop trying because I want to be with him so much. Sitting here in my best dress waiting for another woman’s boyfriend to pay attention to me makes me feel small and pathetic. Sure, I’ve flashed enough skin at him that he wants to fuck me but I’m his only option so that isn’t an impressive feat. Today proves that he doesn’t want anything romantic with me. 

He shouldn’t be holding me then God dammit. He shouldn’t be giving me his sweet boyish smiles and .leaving flowers on my pillow. By late afternoon my pity party has turned to angry bitterness. I am so upset that I can’t eat and end up throwing everything I made into the ocean. What the fuck is wrong with him? Why does he run away every time something sexual happens between us? This is more than just avoidance though. He is punishing me. He keeps doing it over and over again and I have suffered enough. 

I stalk back to camp and rampage through his things like a mad woman until I find his pencil and notebook. With fire in my heart and revenge on my mind I find a blank page and start writing. We will see who is more pissed by the end of the day. If he wants to make me feel like shit for wanting to be with him than I am going to give him a taste of his own medicine. Fuck him for leaving me today. My writing starts out fueled by rage but plenty of hurt, rejection, and insecurity seep onto the page before I am finished. As much as I care for him some of it has been building for a long time. The pressure to feel grateful for survival and to appreciate all he has done to save me have kept my resentment of his rejection at bay but given an opening, all those negative feelings are pouring out in force. 

It’s past supper time when he finds his way back to camp. At least he has the decency to look completely ashamed when he sees me. I’m still wearing the dress but I kicked my heels off a long time ago. “I guess it might be too much to ask that you saved me something to eat after this morning. Shit, I’m sorry about that I…” He stops talking as he draws closer and I’m not sure why until he brings his hand to my face. His distress is obvious as he wipes a tear from my cheek. “Jen, honey I knew you were going to be royally pissed at me for taking off and leaving you alone all day but I swear I didn’t mean to hurt you.” His eyes travel to the basket that holds everything I brought down to the beach earlier and then had to return. He brings the heels of his hands up and covers his eyes. “Oh fuck, you set up the whole picnic didn’t you?” I let the question go because I feel like the answer is obvious. 

“Listen, I just didn’t know what to say…” I don’t want to hear his bullshit any more so I cut him off. “No Josh you listen” I tell him firmly. “Since you decided you were too good to come to the picnic I planned for you today I got you something else for your birthday.” I pick up the paper I have been writing on and he eyes it suspiciously. “I made you a list. A list of all the reasons we shouldn’t be together.” He looks worried and makes a move to take it from me. I reach out and stop his hand mid reach. I wanted this to come off as a bitch rant but my voice has a hitch in it that gives away that I’ve been bawling. “This is what you want” I say “What you’ve been telling me. So I wanted to make you happy and let you know that you’ve convinced me.”

I lift it and scan the words. I don’t actually need to read them but I can’t look in his eyes as I begin. “Reason number one” I get out “We wouldn’t even be thinking about it if we weren’t stuck here.” He tries to interrupt but I give him the death glare. “You kept me waiting all day; the least you can do is hear me out .” I can see from his body language that he concedes and I return to the thoughts that have been haunting me for months. “Reason number two, I made out with our best friend and you can’t get over it. Reason number three, you think of me like I am your sister.” As I say the word sister I put little air quotes around it because we both know it’s a lie but I throw it back in his face since he practically shot a load into my back this morning and I’m tired of hearing the sibling shit. 

I take a deep breath before I continue because I know the next one is below the belt. “Reason number four, your more than 2 years younger than me, your 4 inches shorter and we look ridiculous together.” The second the words leave my mouth I wish I could take them back. I was hoping to piss him off but he literally shrinks back in on himself a little. The damage has been done. I‘ve never said anything about his size before because despite his bravado I know it’s a sore spot for him. As I continue I start to cry again and although I started out to punish him I also want him to know the depth of pain he makes me feel. “Reason number five, you have a brilliant and attractive girlfriend I can’t compete with. Reason number six, you’re too smart to fall for a girl from Kentucky who barely even went to high school and doesn’t know the symbol for H2O. Reason number seven, even though you’ve probably slept with most of your female co-stars you wouldn’t fuck me if I was literally the last person on the planet. Reason number eight, now that I don’t have a team of people making me look good and my breasts have gotten so small, you aren’t tempted…” I never get to finish. 

Before I know what’s happening Josh has me pinned down on our bed and he’s ripping my panties off. He tosses them aside quickly and uses his strong hands to spread my legs while his face goes straight to my center. The vision of his head between my thighs doesn’t seem real until I feel his mouth attach to my clit. The pleasure is immediate and intense. It feels great but it’s sudden and surprising and I arch my back hard trying to push him away from me. My struggling doesn’t deter him though. He uses is forearms to anchor my legs and holds them securely. His tongue treats my clit to firm purposeful circles and after a few passes I am writhing rather than fighting beneath him. My hands find his hair and tug gently but he won’t allow me to move him. He controls the angle and the pressure. This is his show and he is damn good at it. 

 

I haven’t been with that many guys but none of them knew exactly how to touch and lick me the first time like this. I’m building at an alarming rate and I whimper as he hums soft vibrations across my already wet and highly stimulated bundle of nerves. His tongue immediately returns to its slow and deliberate circles and soon pleasure is shooting through me as I scream out his name. 

When my climax ebbs and my limbs relax I assume he will pull back but instead he positions himself to get the full view of my folds and uses his fingers to part them. His index and middle fingers hold me completely open and fear springs up at such sheer vulnerability. I lift my head just in time to watch him return to work, this time focusing on the new flesh he just revealed that is so sensitive but rarely touched. The flat of his tongue works me up to full arousal again by alternating between long strokes and short flicks. His mouth is wet and insistent and just when I think I can’t stand it anymore the tip of his tongue finds the inside of my bud and he exerts a delicious pressure in that small magical spot and gives me the strongest orgasm of my life. 

My head is thrown back and I hear myself yelling at him “Fuck Josh, Oh my God, Yes…Yes!” The waves of pleasure wash over me a few times before they start to diminish and then he sucks my clit into his mouth harder and flicks at a perfect pace along with the suction to send me over the cliff again. When he sits back his chin is covered in me and he wipes it with the back of his arm like a 12 year old would after eating a huge ice cream cone. That’s one of the things I love about him. He can be a desirable and mature man one minute and an adorable little boy the next. The combination is perfect and he is so mine. My body is exhausted from the extreme highs and lows of the day and utterly sexually sated from the three orgasms I just had. I smile and laugh as I turn to bury my face in my pillow. Wow, my Joshy really knows how to give head. 

He slides in bed beside me and holds me like his life depends on it. Our hands both caress each other’s arms and back but we don’t talk. I don’t know about him but I really don’t want to break the spell. Now that my adrenaline levels are receding I am getting drowsy and in a few minutes I fall fast asleep. 

I wake some time later to the sight of him slicing fruit. I’m a little put off by the fact that he isn’t in bed with me until he brings over a tray and sits beside me. I prop myself up too and we eat the late dinner in silence while our feat rub against one another’s under the thin cloth. I didn’t realize how hungry I was until we wolf the whole plate down in just a few minutes. “How long was I out?” I ask to break the ice. “An hour or two” he tells me “you were pretty tired.” His smile is kind of shy and it gives me a strange feeling in my stomach. “Gee, I wonder why?” I tease. When I get up to change into my night clothes it occurs to me that I’m still in my red carpet dress. I look at Josh and note that he is still wearing the same shorts he was earlier too. 

Oh shit, I just got into a fog of post Joshifer orgasmic bliss and drifted away to dreamy land. It was his birthday and I didn’t even try to get him off. I make sure to scrub myself extra well and get my night clothes on before I face him. “I’m sorry Joshy. What you did to me was amazing and I just enjoyed it and went to sleep. I can give you something now if you want to.” That was awkward. What is it about this guy that makes me act like a high school girl every time we talk about sex?

He shakes his head sheepishly with his eyes glued on the ground. “No, I uh… I can’t. I took care of it my…er… self-earlier.” When he looks up and our eyes meet his embarrassment dissipates and he gives me his sexy smile. “I pretty much had to after I tasted you for the first time.” It’s only been a couple of hours but his words make my thighs clench together. I hate to ask him because I fear the answer but I need to know. “Why did you do that? I mean, I wanted you to but why did you?” He takes a minute to think about it but when he gives me his answer he holds my gaze. “Well for one thing I couldn’t stand to listen to you say those things about us, about you. I’ve been fighting it for so long and tonight you were so gorgeous.”

I give out a snort “I’d been crying Josh. I looked awful.” He shakes his head and takes my hand and kisses it before continuing. “I know you don’t agree but you are incredibly beautiful when you are sad and angry and you hit me with both tonight. I just couldn’t stand it anymore, I had to show you. I also wanted to give myself what I wanted for my birthday.” I cock my head at him before asking “eating me out?” He returns with a crooked grin and a cheesy wink “hearing you scream my name.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I know it has been a slow burn up to the first sexual encounter but it was totally worth it. This chapter has a balance of humorous moments and heavier emotional vulnerability and I think I like that formula. This is not the end of this story. I will post another update in the next couple of weeks. Until then, I will let your imagination run wild at the possibilities of where this all may lead.


	9. One Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen and Josh have been on the Island for a whole year. It is an emotional anniversary full of change as they try to let go of the people they have lost and move their relationship forward in an uncertain future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone who has left me kudos or a comment. A special thanks to i_clone_celebrities, eliley, BellaGracie, and Firsttryinwriting who have been following this story with each update and leaving me lots of great feedback. It takes extra time and I appreciate it.

A year, a whole fucking year; I almost can’t believe it. Tomorrow will be a year since the crash, a year without seeing any of our friends and family, a year of being on the island, a year since they all died, a year without Liam. I miss him so much it hurts. I miss Woody too. We were close and he was hilarious and I am positive the world is not the same without him, I know mine isn’t. I think of Francis and Nina. They were my friends too but we were more working than personal friends. The industry is minus a remarkable talent now that Francis is gone and I can only imagine what Nina’s kids are going through. 

I feel for Josh and I’s families but it is more bearable because some day they will see us again. I wonder if Liam’s brothers still hold out hope for him. He had so much to live for and he loved us all so much. He was a great friend and his family adored him. I wish I could joke and laugh with him again, that we could have a meal together and talk about good times. I wish I could erase the memory of his corpse from my mind. I wish I could talk to him about what has been going on between Josh and me. So after most of the daily chores are done I decide to do just that. 

We have both been unusually stoic today opting not to speak of the impending anniversary of the event that changed our lives forever. “I’m going down to the site for a while” I tell him gathering something to sit on and a canteen of water. “Ok, do you want me to go with you?” he asks. “No” I tell him a little too quickly. That came out wrong and I can’t tell if he is annoyed or hurt by my rebuff. He’s just trying to be there for me and I’m acting like a jerk. I want to be alone today so I don’t do anything to correct the situation before walking off in the direction of the plane. I’ve been to the site dozens of times with Josh to harvest supplies and forage food but it seems more foreboding on my own and with tomorrow’s date in mind it seems even more like a grave yard. 

My heart beats faster as I think about the fact that people died here, people I loved. Josh and I almost died here too. As terrible as that day was though this is their final resting place. I try to focus on that peaceful aspect of it as I spread the blanket I brought out where I recall seeing Liam’s body and lie down to look at the sky. “Hey Liam” I say quietly. “I can’t believe it’s been a whole year. I really miss you and I’m sorry you can’t be here to make fun of me right now for talking to myself. Josh told me he talks to you sometimes too. Does he ever talk about me? God, I wish you could answer that question.” 

I hear a couple of parrots making a racket and watch them chase each other from tree to tree. They seem to be pestering each other but also enjoying it. I wonder if it is some kind of a bonding or mating ritual. “That’s pretty much what Josh and I are like now” I tell him. “Things have changed between us so much. He ate me out Liam.” My cheeks heat up just admitting this to him and I giggle a little. “It was incredible but now I am so scared. You know how I am. I want want want things and then totally freak out when they actually happen. “

My insides are tied in knots and a wave of nausea passes through me as I think about what taking our relationships to the next level will mean. Josh has always been my rock. I can be Jen with him no matter what. Even when I am ugly, grumpy, unfair, and bitchy I’m still his girl. I suck at romance. I’m completely consumed with my career and I don’t make sacrifices for a man. I generally do not understand men either and constantly say or do the wrong thing. My anxiety makes me high maintenance and while it is fine for me to ignore my phone for hours I get upset if I can’t get ahold of my boyfriend right away. When the guy gets sick of it and finds out I’m not worth the hassle we break up. That’s where Josh comes in. He loves me no matter how wrong I am and is always on my side. He knows how to calm and comfort me. He knows that I don’t mean anything I say in frustration or anger and lets it slide. He knows not to overreact to my hysterical rantings.

My hand covers my heart as I whisper to Liam “I already lost you. What’s going to happen to me when he decides I’m not worth it too? “He’ll stay with me as long as we are on the island because he’ll have no choice. Even if he is sick and tired of my crap it will be better to put up with me and still get a few blow jobs than to break my heart and make an enemy and crazy woman out of the only other person you ever see. And I would be a total lunatic if he told me he didn’t care for me now. But the world doesn’t end at the horizon. Somewhere across the ocean are our families, our friends, our careers, our publicists, our fans, and his fucking girlfriend. If a plane showed up tomorrow who would we be to each other when we got home? 

“Things just got really complicated after the crash Liam. Especially after Josh told me that he was jealous of our dates. I’m so sorry I hurt you and I would do anything to take it back. I don’t think you were as devastated as he thinks you were though. I know you missed Miley and I was way glad for you when you two got back together. No one should ever let the love of their life slip away. I’m just sorry I shit on you along the way. You didn’t deserve it and I honestly didn’t have a clue you thought we were going to be much more than good friends. “

“That’s one thing that worries me. If I couldn’t read you how can I trust that I have any idea what he is thinking? Being with him makes me nervous now and I hate it. I used to feel so safe with him and now when we touch I feel danger. The danger that he won’t love me enough, that we won’t make it, that if we take things one step farther the old Josh and Jen will disappear and we’ll never get them back.” I have to laugh a little at my own thinking. “I know, you think I’m going overboard but I’m an actress for Christ sake. It’s just no one has ever loved me unconditionally before. Not before Josh. We can’t be fuck buddies, not when we have stars in our eyes every time we look at each other. I feel like we’re saying we can but we know we’re lying.”

“I don’t want to be his girlfriend. There are tons of conditions on that. If I don’t make him happy enough, if Claudia comes back, if he gets tired of sex with me, it’ll be over and he’ll replace me with someone else. Then he’ll be out of my life forever and I can’t take that. But on the other hand I can’t be the best friend and stand by and watch him love someone else. Maybe no matter what we do we’re going to hurt each other. I can’t stay away from him though I know that. Not after what he did to me the other day. I want him with me again so bad.”

I roll over on my side and slide my fingers through the sand. “Thanks for listening buddy. You were definitely always the best listener of our threesome. I know it’s shitty of me to come unload all this on you when I should just be reflecting on the year and all but I need to talk to someone and I know you’re cool with it even though no one else would understand. When I get back I’ll go see Miley for you and your brothers. I know they all miss you like crazy and so do I. If you were here I know I’d feel better about everything. You were always that calming presence bro. Love you.” 

By the time I finish I’m wiping the tears from my face. There’s no reason to cry. It won’t bring Liam back and it won’t settle my stomach or my mind. I walk back to camp as slowly as possible but I wasn’t able to stop my blubbering completely so my eyes are still watery and red when I return. I thought Josh might be miffed about the shitty attitude I was giving him earlier but he’s calm and quiet as he goes about taking care of camp and we speak very little as we complete the necessary tasks throughout the evening.

When we turn in for the night I can see that he scoots as far away as possible. I’m too tired to argue with him about it and I definitely don’t have energy to woo him but my skin and my heart are too cold to sleep alone tonight. I crawl across the bed and wrap my arms around him turning my head to rest my cheek on his back. His skin is always unbelievably warm as if he holds all the heat of the sun he spends so much time in every day. He doesn’t pull away so I whisper to him “We’re both hurting but we aren’t going to do it alone. I’m holding you tonight Josh. I won’t let you face things all on your own again.” He doesn’t answer but he does cover my arm with his own and hold my hand as we both drift off to sleep. 

I’m walking up to the plane the next day when I hear a scream. I run towards the voice as fast as I can. It isn’t Josh, that’s not what he sounds like. Someone else is here and he is in trouble. When I reach the crash site something is wrong. The wreckage is burning. It doesn’t look old with plants starting to overtake it; the smell of burning fuel is potent and fresh. I see the bodies lying on the ground and my insides tighten to the point of pain. Jesus Christ, they aren’t dead but they all will be soon if I don’t do something. I hear the scream again and turn to see Liam. Somehow he is still standing upright despite being nearly completely engulfed in flames. His hands reach for me and I try to help him but the heat is too intense for me to approach him. He needs to drop to the ground. His anguished cries fill my ears and I start screaming at him to drop to the ground, to run to the water, anything to stop his terrible suffering. I scream and I scream…

“Jennifer, honey wake up” I hear Josh’s voice cut through the horror of my subconscious mind. “You’re having a dream. I’m here with you; everything’s going to be ok. I’ve got you honey just relax.” His voice is steady and calm and it soothes me. As I become fully conscious I feel his arms holding me close. I roll over so that I lie on top of him and bury my face in his neck and cry. His hands run through my hair and I can feel the calluses on each finger as he rubs my back. He is still speaking in a low voice but I can’t make out the words over my own heavy breathing and continued whimpers. Our chests are pressed closely together and I can feel his heart beating against mine and my body rises and falls with each of his breaths. Only when mine slow to the same rate as his can I understand him. 

“It’s ok. You miss him. He isn’t hurting any more but I’m so sorry he’s gone. I’d do anything to bring him back to you.” His words are pleading and completely sincere. He isn’t just saying things to calm me down. My heart swells with love for how tenderly he holds me, like he can protect me from the whole world, even from the pain of our shared loss. His smell both calms and excites and I can feel how hard he is beneath me. I’m afraid of pushing our relationship forward but even more afraid of never experiencing him fully. 

I’ve stopped crying and I bring my lips to his ear. He stiffens with surprise when I take the lobe into my mouth and suck on it gently. After giving it a few soft tugs I whisper to him “Touch me Josh. I can’t see all those bodies again. Help me see stars instead, Help me forget.” At first I think he is leaving me again when he pulls my body away from his but the look in his eyes tells me different. The moon is high and full tonight and I am sure he has no trouble seeing my smile as he lays me down on my back. Last time was hurried, a quick rush of movement and pleasure. This time he leisurely trails his fingers over my curves before moving to kiss the side of my neck. 

He uses my noises as a guide while he explores the sensitive spots right under my ear, in the crook of my neck, and over my collar bone. He alternates between kisses and short flicks of his tongue and even leaves small bites in the places that draw the longest moans. When he reaches my chest he unbuttons the dress shirt that used to be his but that I now often sleep in. Sweeping the fabric aside he leans back and takes a few moments again to look at the flesh he has uncovered. “I can’t believe you’re letting me look at you like this” he tells me. “I keep thinking I’m going to wake up back in our trailer and Francis is going to have to tell me that it’s just acting and I need to keep my boner in check again. And for the record your tits are perfect.” 

I barely have time to comprehend his words before he is kissing the valley between my breasts and then moving to take one of the hardened peaks into his mouth. He sucks on my nipple and swirls his tongue with just the right amount of pressure just like he did between my legs the other night. My core aches at the sensation of his warm and insistent mouth coupled with the perfect memory and I moan his name. My hands find his hair and I lift my breasts to press them even further into the pleasure he is offering. 

“Josh” I call to him “Josh I….I.’ I want to tell him that I love him and that I want him but I chicken out. “It’s been so long and you feel so good. Fill me please; I can’t go empty one more night.” His hand drops over my mons where he rubs me gently before slipping just inside my panties. Damn him for knowing how to build up my anticipation. My face scrunches up in frustration and he chuckles before pulling my panties off and running his index finger down my slit. His hand is darkly tanned from a year of exposure and the contrast it presents with the most feminine parts of my body causes a tightening deep within. 

He lifts his finger to my face and I can see the evidence of my desire for him glistening in the moonlit night. His voice is heavy with arousal when he speaks again. “Look at you Jen. You’re a mess already. You really want it don’t you.” I grab his hand and return it to my cunt. “God yes, I need it in me now.” He needs no more prompting. He dips his finger just far enough inside to gather moisture and then moves it to my clit. My swollen nerves rejoice at his touch but even the wonderful steady circles cannot satisfy me. I want him to bang me. Just when I’m about to draw him a picture his left index finger thrusts deep inside me. The surprise and speed along with the built up clitoral stimulation causes an explosion of pleasure. 

My muscles grip him tightly and he adds his middle finger as well. The steady pressure on my clit continues as he bends his fingers to stroke my front wall. I feel so full. After so long alone he is inside of me and the hard on I can see tenting his boxers assures me that I’m not the only one who couldn’t wait for this moment to come. The sensation of him thrusting within the core of my being is too much to bear for long and soon I’m climaxing again his name coming off my lips like a prayer. 

When I open my eyes he is staring at me like I just gave him the moon but he’s afraid I might take it back again. The lack of trust breaks through my happiness and something lurches in my gut when he stands and starts to walk away. “Stop Josh!” I yell at him. “Why are you leaving? I’m not an idiot I can see how much you want me.” His face was pained as he turned to me but it quickly changes to anger. “Of course I do God Dammit” he spits back. “It wasn’t enough to have every other man in the world desire you, you had to have me too. I couldn’t be a friend. I also had to want to fuck you.” 

He’s mad, he is really mad. I don’t deserve it but that isn’t my main concern at the moment. I’m not going to mouth off back to him. I’m more than a little frightened by the strength of his emotions. “Well you win Jen” he continues and pulls down his pants. His erection springs free and it is proud and beautiful. He may not be happy but he is definitely horny. “You got what you wanted. I want you. I can’t stop thinking about you. I see your beautiful body even when I’m alone. I hear your sexy ass voice in my head day and night. He brings his hand to his cock and starts to stroke. “The second you leave or go to sleep I’m jerking off hoping to purge you from my system but God you’re addictive. So there you have it; full disclosure. I want you like I want my next breath and I can’t change it. I’ll do anything you ask me to.” 

I might be flattered by his words despite their harsh context except all my attention is on his hand. I’ve seen him masturbate before and it fueled my fantasies for months but this is something different. His hand is jerking the skin too hard. His movements are rough and uncoordinated and it has to hurt. He’s punishing himself; causing pain to atone for giving in. I can’t let him do this anymore. It is so Josh to just be walking along and say “oh, there’s the whole world. I should pick it up and try to carry it around for a while.” 

I go to him with my palms up in a gesture of peace. When I get close his movements stop and he doesn’t fight me when I brush his hand to the side and kneel before him. I take his dick in my hand and caress it a few times before nuzzling it against my cheek. “Shh” I tell him “let me take care of you.” Instead of waiting for a response I kiss the pink head and then suck it into my mouth. He tastes great and the thick feeling of him thrusting in and out of his own accord causes pleasure to curl in my belly again. I’m not sure what he likes but I think every guy likes a blow job so I bob up and down his length a few times and grip the base with my hand. I am rewarded when he tugs on my hair and groans my name. “Jennifer, holy fuck that feels good. Yeah, get me off with that perfect dirty little mouth.”

He doesn’t last long which isn’t surprising for a guy who hasn’t had any in over a year and now finds his best friend on her knees in front of him. His grunts come in shorter intervals and then he stiffens and holds my head still as his cum shoots against the back of my throat. His final moan of pleasure is long and he shakes with pent up release. I swallow what he gives me and lean back on my heels and smile at him. We have a lot to talk about in the morning but for right now I don’t want to fight. I hug him close and whisper in his ear “we are definitely doing that again.” 

We sleep naked and entangled and when I wake the next morning it is to his steady and serious gaze. I give him a small smile and move to cover myself with his shirt. “Did we just have a creepy stalker Twilight moment?” he teases. “Of course not” I reply. “It’s only creepy if the guy isn’t hot or is way old or something. This was fine. You’re dreamier than Robert Pattinson remember?” He laughs and puts his pants back on, but not before I get a good look at his cute little ass. We keep things light over breakfast but neither of us can escape what day it is or what transpired between us last night. We spend most of the day in silence gathering fuel for the fire, fruit, and then checking the fishing nets. It’s funny how these activities which seemed so foreign before are now the only familiar things in my life. 

In the evening we walk down to the site of the crash and hold a small memorial service which mainly consists of Josh sharing a few memories about each of our lost friends and me crying. I’m kind of out of it afterward and he helps me get ready for bed like you would a small child. Even though it’s still early my eyelids are heavy by the time he covers me up and leaves a kiss on my forehead. I feel shitty for getting all spacey on him but it’s just how I cope with grief. I was like this shortly after we came here and as I recall shortly after we finished filming. I just feel numb. He stays and sits beside me on the bed for a time rubbing my back until I pretend to fall asleep. It feels good to be taken care of. I miss my mother horribly and although your boyfriend should be a weird substitute for the woman who raised you, we don’t really have a choice. If we are going to find friendship, comfort, connection, or love it has to come from the other. At least I am here with Josh who has those qualities in spades. He got saddled with me: the sexually needy girl who cries a lot and cannot admit how she really feels. 

The next day I am revitalized and think that I can approach life with a new energy now that the burden of the one year mark has passed. It is a heavy burden to carry the dead but today I feel like living. I get up long before Josh which makes sense since I fell asleep so early. I take a walk along the beach to think things through. I’m frightened of confronting the mess of emotions he threw at me the other night but I need to. I can’t go on walking on egg shells and hoping that I know what he is thinking. We can’t go back to being pals. Any chance of that was completely obliterated when he confessed how strong his desires run.

I return to find him updating the calendar and decide just to jump right in. “Did Francis really tease you about your onset hard ons?” I ask him. It seems to strike the right tone because he grins. “Yes” he says wistfully. “He’d remind me that I was supposed to be acting like a horny teenage boy, not actually being one.” I laugh but hold his gaze and share in his reminiscing. “He was a funny one.” Josh snorts. “He was fucking hilarious, especially for a director. I miss him.” The conversation hangs in the air, neither one of us offering to address the other words shared in that heated exchange that ended in my first time pleasuring him. 

I can’t stand the uncertainty anymore I have to confront him about this head on. I won’t let him use his Hutcherson charm to skirt the issue. “You were mad at me” I tell him. “You wanted to but you were so pissed at me and I don’t understand it. I’m your friend. I know this is a little strange after all this time but it feels right. Why do you hate me so much and what’s so bad about wanting to screw around together?” He looks guilty and runs his hand through his hair like he does when he is frustrated with an unsuccessful day of fishing. “I wasn’t mad at you Jen and I could never hate you” he finally says. He is totally skirting and I need to redirect. “You were yelling at me” I point out. I move forward and lift his face and hold it so that he can’t turn away. “Josh, I know this is all new and confusing and everything but I need you to knock this off. We can’t keep secrets. We can’t hide from each other. We are stuck on a damn island for Christ sake. We aren’t leaving any time soon, we may never be leaving. I need you to talk to me for real. I need to know what’s going on in your head.”

He lets out a deep breath and nods in resignation. “I wasn’t made at you, I was mad at myself. I was angry and scared and I took it out on you. I’m sorry.” I have an apology but I’m not looking for remorse, I want an explanation. “Ok” I say. “Why are you so pissed at yourself for liking me?” He seems to be talking more to himself than me as he continues. “Because it’s a trap and because I promised myself I would never let it happen. But you’re so damn close all the time and I was hurting you by saying no.” I shake my head. “I don’t get it. Why is it so bad? Why can’t us being together be a good thing? Nothing bad has happened so far.” 

He gives me a forlorn look and brings his hand up to cup my cheek. “Because it’s not real Jennifer. We’re just a man and a woman stranded together. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later but it’s not about us. There is no us and after this I’m not sure we could even go back to being best friends. This won’t survive the island.” I hate it when people tell me how I feel. “What makes you so sure Josh? How do you know how I feel about things? You sure as hell haven’t asked me. Actually, you’ve avoided the subject like the plague.” 

I can tell he is exasperated with me. “Jen, how long have we known each other?” It’s a stupid game but I guess I’ll play. “About 7 years.” He nods. “And we spent a shit load of time together right?” I agree again. “And we know each other pretty damn well do you agree?” I nod again. “Yeah, you know me better than anyone.” He lets out a puff of air and turns toward the beach. “Then what are the chances that you were never attracted to me in all that time but suddenly now that you have no other choice genuine desire has just taken you over?” From his perspective I can see how this has been a pretty good argument and that he has been turning it around in his mind ever since we came here. 

I reach out and take his hand. I need to give him something because he just gave me a lot. “I can understand why this is hard for you” I tell him. “But I don’t agree. I’ve always been attracted to you. Why do you think so many people have always said that I am? Our past is more complicated than that and you’ve always told me you weren’t attracted to me too so don’t act like all this turnaround is one sided. I just want a chance to try it. It may not seem natural or real now but we can make it that way. You know how I am; I just want to do what I want to do with you and right now the things I want to do definitely includes our genitals. He laughs a little because it is so me to say that. “Maybe” he concedes but it’s not enough for me. “Josh, our friendship was always unorthodox. I’m pretty sure we broke almost every rule and everyone told me it wouldn’t last. Those people have all come and gone from my life and I still love you more than ever. We aren’t starting over. We have something really solid to build this on. Please just give us a chance to grow us into something more. It will take time to feel safe again. But we both know we can’t go back. We know what it’s like to be together now and if we try to suppress that we’ll just makes ourselves crazy and we will resent the other.”

He pulls me to him and wraps me in one of our friendly hugs. I relax into his warmth and nuzzle his neck. “Ok Jen” he says into my hair. “You’re right, we can’t go back and I don’t even know that I would want to. It’s scary but you’ve been the best thing in my life for a long time. I just want you to know that no matter what happens I’ll always love you. That doesn’t change. Even if we get back home and this doesn’t work. I’ll still be your Joshy.” I smile because he knows what I need to hear. What could go wrong when we know each other so well and love to be together so much?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually have this story finished in my head now but not even close to completely written. It is going to unfold in three phases and there will be one or two more chapters in phase one. I am hoping to keep updating every other week until to is complete. It's hard to find the time but I love these characters so much that I want to show you their whole journey. Please leave me some feedback on where they have gone so far and what you have enjoyed about getting to know them. Someone made a comment about birth control and that issue will be addressed in an upcoming chapter. I know I haven't said anything about bugs and that would be a big issue on a tropical island. I just don't want to write about it so I left it out.


	10. A Stormy Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer and Josh deal with a storm in their relationship and on the island when Josh admits to a major insecurity and it comes out all wrong. They also mark their second Christmas away from their families and deal with homesickness and hormones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone who is following this story and has left me Kudos or comments. Keep them coming. While this story is obviously fictional I have inserted a lot of real joshifer references throughout and I am sure some of you have noticed them. The next chapter will wrap up the first phase of the story and as I move into the second phase keeping those references going like a little trail of breadcrumbs will be harder but I will do my best. I'm trying to keep a decent pace to the writing and the progression of the relationship and evolution of the characters because so much fanfiction is a lot of build up and then the story just abruptly ends. I started strong and if possible I want to keep it quality until the very end. As always in this story this chapter gives you some sex, some spunk, and some sappiness.

Once we came to an agreement to give our sexual relationship a try Josh had no trouble playing the aggressor. Sometimes I would wake up with his fingers inside of me late at night or early in the morning. I would tease him by running my hands casually across the front of his pants while doing our chores and more than once he hoisted me up to perch on a rock while he licked my pussy right then and there. He is a stronger and more passionate lover than I would have guessed and he always makes sure that I climax at least once if not two or three times every encounter we have. I’m learning a lot about pleasing him too. He likes to have his balls fondled while I suck him off and the spot right behind his scrotum is sensitive too. He also loves blowing his load all over my bare skin especially my tits and ass. 

My body is singing his praises and I can’t get enough of the powerful orgasms he gives me. It feels good to please a man again too. I can’t wait to hear him grunt my name while my hand or mouth work him to completion. We don’t often kiss on the mouth though and it is a noticeable absence from our connection. Despite our increased physical intimacy our relationship still feels somewhat undefined and we can’t technically make love because we have no protection to use. 

“Josh” I whine to him one day. “Didn’t you bring any condoms with you at all? Or did we just not find them because I will totally go on a scouting mission right now if it means you can bend me over this kitchen table when we get back.” He’s runs his fingers through is sweaty hair and lets out a groan. “Damn woman, are you trying to kill me?” I prop my legs open and give him a sexy smile while I rest my hand over my panties. “I guess that’s a yes” he says moving to hang the clothes on a line. “No, I didn’t bring condoms with me. I was in a relationship and I wasn’t going to see her on this trip. I didn’t find any so I guess Liam didn’t either. Francis, Nina, and Woody were all old people so maybe they were fixed I guess.” I laugh. “I’m sure they would appreciate the description.” He gestures a hand towards me. “You’re the one who should have had them Jen. You were single.” 

I like that he said that I was single and not that I am single. He comes and sits beside me and I lean my head on his shoulder and give him my seductive voice. “So Joshy, what do you want to do today?” I ask. “I’m totally up for anything that comes to mind.” As I finish I slip my hand between his legs. Christmas is about a week away and I was saving the I’ll do anything you want routine for my gift but I am horny as fuck right now and I never was very good at waiting. “Alright” he tells me. “I want to look at you, all of you for as long as I want.” His request startles me and a feeling of insecurity immediately takes hold so I try to laugh it off. “What? After all the finger banging and pussy eating you’ve been doing lately you want to play I’ll show you mine if you show me yours? It seems like that ship has sailed.”

He grips my shoulders and stares at me with an intensity that makes me shiver. “We always get carried away so fast though. Your body is so beautiful. Will you just let me look at it and see all of you?” He really wants to. This guy who is ridiculously talented in virtually every way (some that I have only recently discovered) can ask for anything and he wants a better look at my naked body. He grew up in a business filled with the most beautiful women in the world and he thinks I am so desirable that he needs more time to study the parts of my body that make me a woman. 

It’s sexy and arousing as hell and I silently move to the bed and remove my bra. He joins me, his eyes falling to take in my breasts, already puckering from his gaze. They move to my hands when I reach down to pull down my skirt and panties. I lay there completely nude and watch him as he takes time to consider every inch of me. A few times be brings his hand up like he going to touch but stops just millimeters away. Goose bumps form where I anticipate his caress and he gestures towards the sensitive skin. “Is that for me?” he asks. His voice sounds husky with his own desire and I want to fuck him so bad I could scream. I let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding. “Yes” I answer because it is the only word my brain can form right now. 

I am sure he is ready to move on to the getting each other off stage when he pulls my knees up and parts my legs further but instead he takes more time to memorize this part of me. It is a little unnerving to have him staring at a part of me that even I can’t see for so long. I’m also not sure how he feels about the hair removal. Lots of guys are into that but I suppose it is a preference and one he has never voiced to me either way. I almost jump when he reaches in and parts the folds, holding me open to see even the deepest parts of me. I’ve never done this before but if this is the kind of kink he likes I could definitely get used to it. But when I look up his face isn’t forming his cocky smile and while his eyes are smoldering it isn’t just with lust. His expression is almost reverent like the way you look at Niagara Falls or the Northern Lights when you see them for the first time. It makes my stomach flip over like when you go down a tall hill on a roller coaster. I’m not ready for this. 

“So, you going to need much more time down there Joshy?” I ask to break the spell. “It’s just a vag you know, I know you’ve seen others.” His voice is stern when he cuts me off. “Don’t” he says. “Don’t do that. Don’t cheapen something so important to me. It’s not just a vag. It’s you and nothing could be more special or precious.” When he returns his view to me I know I am visibly wet. “You’re beautiful. I’ve seen a few others but you are so pink and you can stop worrying because I love that the hair is gone. Perfect for tasting your skin and your juices. It’s incredible because it’s a part of you and you’re an incredible woman.” He lets my legs relax and smiles as he returns his gaze to my face. “Thank you” he tells me. “Best early Christmas present ever.” 

I reach for his belt buckle and he gives me a questioning look. “What? “ I ask him. “I want to look at you too.” He pulls back and trails a few kisses down my neck. “No way in hell Josh.” I protest. “You aren’t going to distract me from getting my turn.” He looks uncomfortable and tries to dissuade me. “I don’t want to. I’ll do anything else you want to pay you back.” I reach for his waist again but he moves out of my reach. “We aren’t brokering a business deal, we are playing show and tell and it’s your turn.” He doesn’t make a move. “Drop your pants Hutcherson” I threaten. “Drop them or I’ll hold you down and strip you myself.” 

He laughs at that. “You aren’t strong enough to hold me down” he reminds me. He’s right so I try a different tactic. “This isn’t fair Josh. I just laid here and bared everything for the better part of an hour. It’s been in my mouth before so I don’t think it’s too much to ask for you to let me see your dick.” He knows that I’m right and he’s never been shy about nudity before. He stands and pulls his pants down and steps out of them. I can see his semi erect member and it makes my fingers itch to stroke him. His body language is strange though. He is usually a really confident guy and I never saw him even the least bit insecure about anything before we came here. His stance is rigid and his eyes are squeezed shut. 

Something tells me there is something wrong going on in his mind and that it doesn’t really have anything to do with sex. I reach out and stroke his arm. “Josh” I call prompting him to open his eyes and look at me. “I know you’re not shy so tell me what’s going on.” He sits down on the edge of our bed, gorgeous naked body and all and holds his head in his hands. “I’m sorry Jen, I ruined it. It’s my fault I just feel not good enough for you sometimes and it’s embarrassing.” I sit beside him and put a hand on his thigh. “You made me feel incredible today Hun. You’re great at everything we’ve done together. What is there to be embarrassed about?” 

He looks conflicted like he is not sure he should tell me the truth or not. “It’s not that it’s just me” he says and gestures at his body. “I mean I know you’ve been with a lot of guys and I’m not sure that I measure up. Some of them must have been bigger than me and taller too.” I feel like he just slapped me in the face. I stand up and back away wrapping my arms around myself for protection. His eyes light with alarm. “Hey” he says. “What is it?” I feel a tear start to trickle down my cheek when I answer. “You think I’m a slut.” 

The pain ripping through my chest makes me want to turn tail and run but there’s no use. I pull my clothes on and even add one of my shirts because I don’t want him looking at the tops of my breasts and I don’t want to wear anything of his. I start performing routine cleaning and food preparation tasks and do my best to ignore the apologies and pleas for understanding that start pouring from his mouth. “Jen, baby, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean it like that at all. I’ve never thought anything like that about you.” I can’t talk it out right now though. The anger and hurt are raging too strong and my tears are right below the surface. I give him the silent treatment for the rest of the day and eventually he relents and settles for following me around like a lost puppy. 

All signs indicate that a storm is blowing in and it will likely be a miserable night. He cautions me not to go down to the beach and wash because of the danger but I feel filthy both physically and mentally from the insult he gave me after sharing such an intimate time so I grab my stuff and charge down to the beach any way. I’m so upset that I’m not paying attention to the high water mark on the sand and I march out to the usual bathing spot. He catches up to me and I hear him call my name. The urgency in his voice catches my attention and I turn to look at him. The last thing I remember is feeling a giant impact and then my world goes black. 

When I wake again I’m lying on wet sand. The temperature has turned cold from the impending storm and rain is starting pour from the sky as harsh winds sweep the shore. I can feel Josh’s hands on my body searching for injuries before coming to rest on my face. “Oh my God” I hear him say. “You could have been hurt. You could have been killed. I could have lost you.” He strokes my cheek and when I make eye contact with him he pleads with me. “Stay with me Jen ok? Stay with me baby?” My head feels cloudy and I try to smile at him but it comes out as half grimace. “Always” I say and we both chuckle. 

He lifts me in his arms and although we are awkward this way I don’t fight him as he carries me back home. I’m shivering from the sudden change in weather and my clothes are drenched. He strips me before removing his own shorts as well. Our little shelter is holding out the rain well. We usually sleep on the bed we made outside because it is too hot inside this little space but we do have a small pallet in here for emergencies. We lie together and rub each other’s arms, legs, and back to get the circulation going again and then hold each other close and under the covers. 

I can hear the storm raging outside but it is nearly drown out by the sound of his heart beating beneath my ear. I’m not sure how long we cuddle but the urgency of the situation, the wave that hit me and drug me under, and the fierce nature of the storm put Josh’s comments into perspective. We can work through it because we are both still here and we will both be fine. “I love you” I say quietly into his chest. His arms tighten around me. “I love you too” he responds. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. That wasn’t what I was trying to say at all it just came out wrong. I was just trying to tell you that I’m afraid I wouldn’t measure up to your past boyfriends and that’s really hard. It’s a fear I’ve always had, part of why I kept it friends.” 

I prop myself on my elbow so I can look at him when I say this. “You know what’s hard for me Josh? Not just that you insinuated that I’m the kind of girl that sleeps around but that you don’t trust me.” He looks puzzled. “I’ve told you about every guy I’ve ever been with. Not just who but for how long, what we did, all the nitty gritty details. I spent hours on the phone dumping all that on you.” He smiles. “Yeah, it was kind of TMI at the time.” I lift an eyebrow and nod in agreement because we do have a pretty sick relationship. “Well, that’s just the thing. I told you it all. Everything there is to know you already know and I’ve told you that a thousand times before.”

He looks surprised but also extremely relieved. “So, just the few guys you talked to me about?” I nod and his shock suddenly seems a little condemning. “Well you know, it’s hard for me to meet people and it takes time for me to trust and I get so much anxiety and I was with Nick a really long time.” He takes my hand and kisses it. “You don’t have to explain Jen. I’m not saying you should have been with more guys, I’m actually really happy. I just thought it wasn’t possible that I knew everything. I mean your Jennifer Lawrence and all.” 

I hate that kind of talk and I have to put a stop to it. “Don’t Josh” I say mimicking his stern tone from earlier. “Don’t give me that JLaw bullshit, not you. That’s not who I really am. You need to understand something if this relationship is going to work. I don’t care that you’re short; Not at all. You have this idea running through your head that I wish that Nick or Liam was here because they are taller than you.” He lowers his head and nods. It lights a fire in me. “Do you think I’m a stupid shallow girl Josh?” He snorts like I just said something ridiculous. “Of course not” he replies. 

I reach forward and caress his cheek. “Then why would I want someone else here with me because they are taller? That is stupid as shit. I want you here with me. I want it enough that it makes me feel guilty sometimes. I want you here because I trust you, because you’re my best friend, because you’re brilliant, because you will take care of us, and because you do this to me.” As I finish I grab his hand and plunge one of his fingers inside of me. I know he can feel how wet and ready my body keeps itself when he is near. “No one else means all those things to me. No one.”

“I know what you were worried about earlier and it’s all in your head. Look, the first two guys I was with was when I was a teenager and the sex was crappy and I barely remember it except to say that I wasn’t sure at that point what the big fuss was about. I was only with Chris a few times and he was such a druggy that we were pretty high by the time it got to that point so those memories are a bit hazy. The buzz was good but meaningful intimacy, not really. You know I loved Nick but I don’t anymore. The sex with him was good but so far you are blowing my mind. I know the other guys tease you sometimes about your size and I hate it but you feel great when we are together. I wouldn’t change you at all and I love your dick. You aren’t small, you’re about the same size he was, his might be a little longer but yours is definitely thicker and your head is bigger too.”

He is holding his hands in the air in surrender. “Again with the TMI Jen.” I take them and bring them around me as I hug him close. “It’s not TMI, it’s exactly the right amount of I. Besides you brought size up with me, you knew I was going to go inappropriate on you. I had to tell you. You’ve clearly been agonizing over it and you’ll keep doing it if I don’t just say these things. None of those guys has anything on you. If they were all here and you loved and protected me like you have been for the last 6 years I would choose you. And don’t bring up the JLaw stuff and let it intimidate you and you know why?” He shakes his head. “I have a handful of people in my life that know Jen and JLaw and actually like Jen better. But you are the only person who has ever made me like Jen better.” 

The storm is a bad one and lasts about 24 hours. We stay in our little haven and catch up on sleep, play a hundred games of would you rather, and give each other orgasms. It’s actually kind of fun to take a break from the normal chores and we make a lot of jokes about the correlation between our present circumstances and the cave scene. “Peeta had it rough” Josh tells me. “His leg was hurt AND Katniss had her clothes on.”

Eventually the rain stops and we climb out to assess the damage. Luckily it is pretty minimal but it always takes time for everything to dry out because of the humid climate and you feel dirty and miserable until it does. We climb some trees and eat fruit first thing because we are starving and then start the process of post storm clean up. I can tell our heart to heart from earlier had the desired effect because there is renewed confidence in his smiles and he touches and flirts with me shamelessly. His lips and hands are possessive as they move over my tits and pussy. We pleasure each other often and I am amazed at his ability to recover and push against me again after just a short period of rest. Viagra needs to take and bottle whatever is running through that boy’s veins. 

Work and play keep us completely occupied and before I know it its Christmas Eve. Last year we were barely surviving so we hardly noted the holiday but tonight as we look at the stars all I can think about is how much I miss my family. I glance at Josh and he has a far way look in his eyes, consumed with similar thoughts I’m sure. “It’s probably snowing at home” he tells me. “My brother is home from school and my grandparents will come. My Mom will make a big meal and fuss over the preparations for days. I wonder if it’s getting harder or easier for them now that I’ve been dead over a year.” 

I grip his hand tighter but there is nothing that I could say that would be comforting. “My nephews will be really excited about Santa” I say. “My whole family will open up presents together and eat a ton of junk food. My brothers will tease me and we mostly just drink and catch up. All my nephews are a year older now. I wouldn’t even know what to buy them. They are all growing up and I’m missing it.” I stop because I’m getting emotional. I turn over on my side and see the red ribbons I made from one of my dresses and tied up around our camp. It’s as pathetic as the Snoopy Christmas tree but I had to do something because I have been so homesick. Josh rubs my back and I ask him “Do you really think we’ll make it back some day?” He is silent for a moment before he answers. “I don’t know anymore.” He was trying to decide in that moment of hesitation if I am strong enough to hear the truth. I’m glad he decided that I am. 

Morning dawns early and hot, an oppressive reminder that we are anywhere but home in Kentucky. Josh sits at the table with a wide grin and I groan in frustration. “Josh Hutcherson” I scold. “You told me we weren’t doing presents.” He gives me a shrug and gestures towards a bundle of palms he has clearly wrapped something in. “I lied” he pronounces happily. I take a seat and slowly unwrap the carefully folded leaves to reveal two small figurines whittled out of wood. Our trees here are not conducive to this type of handicraft and the details must have taken forever. “Horses” I whisper. 

I grew up with the beautiful animals and have always equated them with my family, with home, with warmth and belonging. He made these for me because he knows me that well. “When did you have time to do this?” I ask as I have never seen them before. “When you were sleeping” he answers. I shake my head in bewilderment. “You must have started working on them months ago.” He gives me a sheepish look. “I’m not even that good” he says. “I started right after Christmas last year.” My heart aches with love for him. He sat up endless hours working in near darkness to give me this moment of joyful surprise. I am sure no one else has ever cared so much, not even my own flesh and blood.

I take the two little treasures and hold them close. “I love them” I tell him and kiss his cheek. We eat the same breakfast as always and I think if I ever get off this island I am never eating cassava again. “You know what we can’t do at an old Kentucky Christmas?” he asks. “What?” I answer. “Swimming” he says with a grin. I smile back and reach under my skirt and pull out my panties. “Skinny dip?” I suggest tossing them in his lap. If his smile got any wider it would break his face. We laugh and chase each other like children down to the beach shedding the rest of our clothing along the way. 

I’m giggling like a seventh grader as I watch his little white ass streak by me as he runs into the waves. It’s the only part of his body that never sees the sun and I call it his redneck tan. Even before we came to the island he never was a fan of wearing shoes or a shirt. Because we are mature adults we spend the morning seeing who can stay under the water longer, who can do the most backwards somersaults without coming up for air, and who can skip a sea shell farther. I lose each contest of course which makes me cranky until he pulls me into his arms and wraps my legs around his waist. Then I just desperately wish he could fuck my brains out. 

It sucks that we have no form of contraceptives. We dry hump like teenagers for a while before slipping our hands beneath the surface to listen to the other moan in appreciation. When we finish we climb up to sunbathe on our favorite rock. “Well” I tell him. “This is the first Christmas I’ve ever spent giving a guy a hand job in the ocean.” He laughs and tries to look at me without staring at my ass. “It feels weird” he tells me. “Being out here like this. It feels like we’re the last people on the planet. Anything could have happened back home and we wouldn’t know it. Sometimes it feels like what happens here with us is the only thing that matters now.” I shade my eyes and see that his expression has grown serious. “What happens here is the only thing we control” I say. “So I think it’s the only thing we should worry about. But we won’t forget home Josh. As long as we are together we’ll make sure we don’t forget anyone we love. No matter how long we’re stuck here I’ll always listen to you talk about your people and I’ll talk about mine ok?” 

He nods and moves to stand. “We better not stay out here too long” he warns. “Not every part of our bodies are used to this much sun and I don’t know about you but I don’t want to burn mine.” I agree and we head back home. It’s a short walk but I notice that Josh is acting funny on the way back. He keeps looking down at my body and then opening his mouth but then closing it again. It’s like we wants to tell me something but can’t bring himself to say it. “What’s up with you Josh?” He makes a sputtering attempt to respond but I lose patience with his sudden reticence. “Spit it out dude!” I insist.

He gestures at my leg. “Jen, you’re …well…I think you started your period.” I look down and to my horror there is a stream of blood coming down my right thigh. “Shit” I curse and run to get the rags I use to deal with that particular situation here. By the time I am cleaned up and presentable again he is dressed too and has lunch ready. He tries to make small talk but I’m still too embarrassed to meet his gaze. “Jennifer Schrader Lawrence” he lectures me while lifting my chin so that I have no choice but to meet his gaze. “This cannot be the same girl who told me “get over it, facts of life Joshy” when I walked in on her changing a tampon in the bathroom of my trailer without the door locked.” 

He’s right. I’ve always been unapologetically open with him about everything, including my bodily functions. “Well” I try to explain. “That was different, we weren’t… I mean we were…things are just different now.” Ok, that explained nothing. Then I have another thought. “Oh God, I hope I didn’t get it on you or anything.” Shit, now I brought that up and probably grossed him out even more. I’m really fucking up this Christmas thing. First he gives me the most precious and meaningful gift of a lifetime and I have nothing for him. Then I start my period naked and he has to point it out, then I mention that I probably rubbed it all over him. This cannot possibly get any worse. 

I don’t even realize that I have my head buried in my arms until he lifts me out of my seat. “Hey” I protest. “What are you doing?” He carries me to our bed and lays me on my stomach and then grabs the canteen and hands it to me. “I’m saving you some misery, now drink up” he replies. I take a few long swallows and then moan as his fingers start to message my lower back. It feels like heaven and I decide to just shut up, drink my water, and let him take care of me. After a while I feel his lips on my spine. They kiss lightly and slowly all the way up and end with gentle peck on my cheek. 

“Jennifer” he says softly and I murmur a quiet acknowledgement. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. It was no big deal and it doesn’t bother me at all. I just didn’t want to say anything that would make you uncomfortable. That was never a problem for us in the past and I think we have both just psyched ourselves out a little. There is nothing you could do that would make me stop caring about you and I know you feel the same. Just because we’ve become more intimate doesn’t mean we need to hide things from each other. It’s just the opposite. Now that we share that too there is really nothing that keeps us apart anymore.” He is so fucking adorable and sweet. Sometimes I want to slap him for it and sometimes I want to fuck him for it but I definitely don’t ever want him to change. 

“So” I ask him. “Are you the kind of guy who won’t have sex if I’m in the red zone?” He chuckles and says “I’m the kind of guy who is so crazy about you that I would have sex under any condition that you would allow it.” I smile back. “I’ll keep that in mind.” The back rub and his reassuring words have completely relaxed me but I’m still feeling pretty emotional. Part of it is probably hormones but part of it is also being half way around the world from my mother on Christmas day.

We spend some time swapping stories about our favorites Christmas presents and then I tell him about some games we usually play at our family parties. When I finish I notice that his gaze has locked on my mouth. Maybe he wants to kiss? “Hey Jen” he says, interrupting my thoughts. “Can I ask you to do something for me, for Christmas?” I shrug. “Sure, anything.” He looks doubtful. “You may want to get the request first because you’re not going to like it.” That’s suspicious but I highly doubt there is anything he wants that I’m not willing to do. “Ok” I agree “What is it?”

He swallows and asks “Will you sing to me? Will you sing some Christmas songs? I know it’s super cheesy but I miss that. It can’t be Christmas without carols.” Fuck. I really don’t want to sing. I hate the way I sound and it makes me self-conscious to sing in front of other people. But when I look at him he gives me those puppy dog eyes and I can see the horse figurines he made for me sitting on the table. “Ok” I agree on a sigh. “What do you want me to sing?” He requests Silent Night which surprises me since he has never been religious as far as I know but we grew up in the Bible belt so I certainly know it and if it reminds me of Kentucky then it likely does the same for him. 

I sing and at first I feel like my voice is rough but after it warms up even I can admit that the song is beautiful as it leaves my lips. When I finish I move right into The First Noel because it is one of my mother’s favorites. When I start Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas my heart constricts with emotion. On one hand it transports me across space and time to all the wonderful holidays I spent with my folks and my brothers growing up and on the other hand is so out of place on this tropical island that it makes me wonder if I’ll ever have a real Christmas again. Josh seems similarly affected. His eyes are glazed over with memories of the past and longing for brighter future. 

I move to embrace him and I hold him close as I sing I’ll be home for Christmas but like always it is my face that is tear streaked by the time I am through. His hand runs across my back soothingly and he leans back to cup my cheek and wipe away my tears. “Thank you” he tells me. “I know you don’t believe me but that was absolutely beautiful. Your voice and you sharing with me. I know we both miss our families but I’ll never forget this Christmas; not the way you looked on the beach today or the sound of your voice singing to me just now.” I pull him close again and start to sway to the rhythm created by the sound of the waves. He is usually the king of sappy gestures but I decide to best him this time by singing Unforgettable by Nat King Cole as we dance. Despite all the circumstances it is the most romantic dance of my life.


	11. Pictures and Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer and Josh's progressing physical relationship has put Josh's insecurities at ease but a heated incident after a morning of swimming brings up some new ones in Jen. She is ill at ease with his past and what she doesn't know about it until a conversation about some controversial images of her puts the whole thing into perspective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always these are just fictional characters living out a made up story. I hope you enjoy. Please read the notes at the end to hear more about future updates. Thanks to all who have commented. I really need your input so that I know what content you appreciate and how these characters and their antics and adventures are perceived by others.

There aren’t seasons on the island. At least not seasons like we have back home. It’s blazing hot pretty much all the time unless it’s raining and then I tremble from the cold. For the first few months the heat was difficult but our bodies have adjusted over time and now we often fail to notice it. There does seem to be a period marked by increased precipitation and a period with a lack of it. Either of these can be grueling to endure depending on their intensity. We do our best to prepare by increasing the size of the shelter again. Long term food storage is impossible in the damp climate but we are careful never to over pick and we have taken to cultivating those plants with a short life cycle to the point of fruit bearing close to camp so that we are not relying solely on nature to provide. 

We were both in pretty good shape when we came here from all of the workouts, fight scene prep and in his case actually playing sports but constant subsistence living has toned our bodies and our athleticism into almost an art form. Josh has become an amazing swimmer and diver and I love to watch him fish. I see his sculpted body move through the water and emerge into the sun. The muscles in his arms and back are visible and they bunch and stretch as he hauls in the nets and casts and resets them again. He walks towards me with his boyish smile which stands in sharp contrast to his broad shoulders, well defined arms and narrow waist (all man there). 

I told him that I was going to sunbathe on our rock but we both know it was just an excuse for me to get naked and check him out. He is just steps away when I see a drop of water still clinging to his beautifully tanned skin slip from the place where it was clinging to his hip and disappear into his shorts. Fuck, I want to be that water. His shorts hang low and when I see the perfect definition of his v line I have a consuming and nearly animalistic desire to taste his skin. I’ve been watching him all morning and there is something deep and sexually primal about watching a man provide for you. Seeing that he is strong and able to be a good mate; knowing that you are his female and that he would fight to defend you against enemy, rival, or element. 

My heart is beating faster and faster as I reach out and pull him down to the blanket I brought along with me. I prefer to service him on my knees when possible but I fear I would not last long on the rough surface without injury. I waste no time ripping the shorts and boxers off of him and he must appreciate the aggression because he’s already hard for me. He tries to sit up a little but I push him back firmly and kiss his chest before sucking on each nipple and palming him roughly. “Jen” he gets out “Holy shit baby slow down.” I’m having none of it though. My hand has been grasping and stroking his junk but I move it down to rub his sack and take him in one long stroke deep into my mouth until I feel him filling the back of my throat. I am rewarded by a deep groan followed by the feeling of his hands in my hair. 

I can’t let him take me in the way we both want but giving head is something I can do and I have found that I enjoy it almost as much as he does. I’ve given it up in relationships like this before but I was giving pleasure so that it would later be returned. With Josh I get pleasure from giving it. His grunts and curses are music to my ears, flowing over me and healing every negative thing I’ve ever thought about myself. His taste and smell are an aphrodisiac because I’ve come to associate them with the delicious and consuming climaxes he gives me every time I experience them. The feel of his cock thick and substantial as it fills my mouth and hits the back of my throat substitutes for the fullness I want him to create in my core but must be denied. 

Between long bobs of my head on his dick I lick the underside and tell him how much I like it. “You taste good Josh, give me some more.” I tell him. He answers with jerky thrusts of his hips while his hands use my hair to anchor my mouth in place. I am anticipating the release of his cum when I feel him pulling my body. “Jen” his voice breaks through to me. “Swing yourself up here to me.” At first I’m not sure what he means and I must look confused. “Give me your pussy God dammit” he insists in frustration. I break my suction just enough to move my body up and align it with his. 

I’m not 17 or anything. I’ve done this but I can’t say I’ve ever actually been sober while it was happening. I brace my weight on my knees and for an awkward second I’m not entirely sure what to do. He’s still in my mouth but the self-consciousness has broken my concentration. “It’s ok, relax baby” I hear him soothing me. “Just bring her right here to me” he instructs running his finger along my slit and circling my clit once. He pulls me down further than I would think he would want but it feels more comfortable and arousing. “That’s right” he urges me “keep that gorgeous mouth working and just sit on my face.” 

His nose nudges my clit a couple times before his mouth latches on to it and I’m lost. It feels amazing, the combination of his cock thrusting in and out of my mouth while his tongue flicks my clit and then winds around my bud in tight insistent circles. I feel the telltale coiling in my lower belly and a pull of something amazing at my core. I’m moaning on him which only drives him to fuck my mouth with greater fervor. 

When I think my tender flesh can’t withstand his onslaught any longer he hums against my little bundle of nerves and gives a little tug with his teeth before sliding his tongue back and forth across the perfect spot and at just the right angle to cause my resistance to shatter and my inner walls to flutter. I suck him harder and moan my pleasure all over him. The combination of the suction of my mouth and the chorus of sexual pleasure noises I’m singing for him push him into his own orgasm. His hands fist in my hair and pull my face close as he spurts into my mouth several times. I pause for a moment and sit up to ensure he can see me when I swallow it. He gives me a sly smile of carnal pleasure. I know he likes to see that I’ve taken what he gave me. 

His self-satisfied and smug grins continue well into the day and into the evening when he sits and writes those little damn notes in his notebook. It takes him days to finish even the smallest page and when he does he tosses it into the fire. I’m glad we were able to work through some of his initial insecurities but now that he has I’m experiencing a flood of my own. Why is he still writing to her? Thinking about her? He just had me 69 style less than 12 hours ago, why does he need to sit and doodle little love notes to his precious Claudia? The sex was fantastic. Wasn’t that enough for him? Or was it fantastic for me and just mediocre for him? I’m being ridiculous. He came and he looked completely satisfied when we finished. 

I take a walk down to the beach and sit and let the waves come and wash over my legs. Something about this morning spooked me and I’ve been on edge ever since. I guess it was the new position but I don’t see why that would bother me. I liked it, I want to have each other that way again so why the issue? It takes me a little time to admit to myself that the reason for my agitation is just how good it was. We had never tried that before and he knew just what angle to use and exactly how to positon me. He had done it before with a woman, probably many women, whom he had learned and grown with. That knowledge fills me with hatred and jealousy. 

I know some of his history but he’s never disclosed all to me as I have him. Most likely because he couldn’t get a word in edgewise. I have a tendency to ramble on and on to the people who know me best without stopping for breath. I think about asking him about the women he’s been with but I am afraid that I won’t like what I’ll hear. It’s best to just live in the here and now and right now he is with me. I give it a few days but I just can’t let it go. I’ve never cared much about my boyfriend’s former partners. Hell, Chris had been married before and I didn’t give a fuck. Why is it bothering me so much now? Because he’s mine that’s why, I reason. It is awful possessive of me though. 

I snuggle with him at night and we talk and play during the day. The possessive feelings within me grow. So do the number of daydreams I have about our future together. I’ve always known Josh meant more to me than any of the other guys I ran around with. What is troubling me now is that I need him to feel the same about me. I want to be better than those other women he shared himself with. I want to be more. I want to be his only. The only one he will ever experiment, grow, and change with ever again. I am his best friend, his woman, his lover. This position should make me feel confident in our future but still a fear lurks in my mind and in my heart. Fear that leaving the island will tear us apart. Fear that what he feels for me won’t be strong enough to keep us together once our crazy lives resume in the “real” world. 

One afternoon after a particularly successful day of fishing we decide to share a picnic lunch at the beach. We share some funny stories about the past and I am reminded that we have pretty much spent our entire adult lives together. “What’s your favorite?” I ask him. He scrunches his nose a little. “Favorite memory?” he clarifies. I nod. “Pre or Post Island?” he asks. “Both” I answer curious what he will reveal. “Ok” he says and he strokes his chin which means he is really giving it some thought. “Pre Island would be that summer in North Carolina. You know, making the first movie.” That takes me by surprise a little. “Really, why?” I ask. 

He takes a moment to think again. I wish he wouldn’t do that. I wish he was as impulsive as me and would just say whatever came into his head but he is more careful, more measured about the things that he shares. “I think because it was still so new and I was getting to know you for the first time and every day we would feel more connected. I never had a bond like that with another person before.” He smiles and then adds more shyly “I guess I kind of liked having all of your attention too. It was mostly just us and the crew out there and some of the kids. There weren’t any distractions. It was kind of like here and you noticed me more.” 

I reach out and take his hand. “I always noticed you” I reassure him. “You were the big star then. I was just starting out. You had already been in lots of big name movies. Compared to you I was a nobody.” He looks wistful recalling that period of our lives and he brings a hand up to stroke my cheek. “I knew from the beginning. From the first time we read together how special you are. That you were going to be so much more than the rest of us.” I hate this kind of talk. I know people think I am just trying to play the humble card but I really don’t like it. It makes me feel uncomfortable and icky inside so I decide to redirect the conversation. 

“And your favorite memory since we’ve been here?” I ask. “Boy that’s tough” he says scratching the back of his head. “Can I give you a list?” I think on it. “Ok” I relent “but I have to limit you to three.” He feigns agitation. “Three? How can I limit my endless adventures with Jennifer to just a top three?” I shrug and offer him no help in making his selection. “I can’t believe I’m not going to pick the first time you sucked my dick” he begins causing me to blush. “But I have to say in no particular order: Christmas day, the time I carried you in from playing in the ocean and you dry humped me the whole way, and the time you stripped naked to proposition me when we were cleaning up for the night.” 

 

Jesus, that list makes me sound like a desperate fool. Well, I guess if the boot fits and he did say they were his best and not worst memories so I guess it is cool to just go ahead and smile. I recall each incident in turn and soon find that I can’t contain my laughter. He starts laughing too, because I am, even though he has no idea why. “Thanks Jen” he says “way to laugh at my memories.” I am laughing so hard I can barely get out my response. “That night on the beach… you should have seen the look on your face when you saw I was naked.” He chuckles good naturedly even though I am having some fun at his expense. “Yeah” he agrees. “I am sure that was priceless. If you think the look on my face was something you should have felt the boner in my pants.” I laugh even harder and punch his shoulder. “That was the whole fucking point moron” I tease. “I wanted to feel that amazing hard on and you wouldn’t let me.” 

We trade a couple more jokes before calming down and when we do the rest is needed because my sides are starting to hurt. There is still something lingering in my mind though. I have been wondering about it for a while and it has been such an amazing day that I decide to bring it up with him now. “Josh” I say to get his attention and he looks over at me. “That night on the beach, I know now that you wanted me and I thought you did then too but you were looking at me so strangely and you acted like it was such a big deal. Why?” He looks like he can’t believe I am even asking the question. “Well, there was a naked Jennifer Lawrence asking me for sex for one thing” he tells me. 

I smile and turn my gaze to the sand. “Yeah and the asking for sex part was new but you’d seen me naked plenty before that.” He considers this and takes the classic Hutcherson pause before he answers me. “I’d seen you a few times changing on set and when we were hanging out and I’ve seen you in your underwear a crap ton you little slob. It’s hard not to when you won’t bother putting on pants unless the general public is present. But I’d never seen you like that. You caught me off guard and I was still too afraid to take that next step.” 

“Josh” I say rolling my eyes at him. “I know you’ve seen my pictures.” His eye brow furrows. “What pictures?” Now I am just annoyed. “What pictures?” I say in a mocking voice. “My pictures ,you know, the naked ones that the whole fucking world saw thanks to that God damn hacker. You had plenty of time to look at them, everyone has.” Even as I speak the words the shame and humiliation I felt when they were released returns. How fucking stupid was I for even taking them? And why am I bringing up a topic that makes me feel so awful when we were having such a good time? 

He moves his hand to my leg and his expression is as serious and genuine as I have ever seen it. “Jen” he starts. “I didn’t look at those pictures.” I am completely socked and at first I don’t believe him. “Yeah right” I say. “They are on the internet. Everyone has looked at those pictures.” His expression remains calm. “Well I haven’t” he reiterates. I am irrationally hurt by this revelation. “So you didn’t want to?” I ask him. “You weren’t temped at all?” His face contorts in near pain as he recalls “Hell yes I was tempted and God forgive me but I came close to looking them up lots of times. But I couldn’t do that to you.”

Tears are starting to pool in my eyes as he continues. “You were so upset and I was so pissed at that asshole who hacked you. It wouldn’t have been right no matter how much I wanted it. You couldn’t stop crying, it hurt you so much. If I would have looked at them I would have been helping that criminal violate you all over again. Besides, I knew you made them for Nick and I couldn’t look at any little sex show you put on for him without driving myself crazy. It was supposed to be between you and your boyfriend and I wanted to respect that. I didn’t want to take something you didn’t want to give me.”

“You know how I kept myself from looking?” he asks and before waiting for me to respond he continues. “You don’t know you do it but lots of times when you ask me things or someone asks us a question and you want me to respond you give me this look. It is so trusting and innocent and super cute by the way. When I was alone and really wanted to type those letters into the search engine I would picture that expression and I just couldn’t do it. You always expect something really great from me, something better than what you anticipate from everyone else. I couldn’t destroy that faith, even if no one knew but me.” 

My mind is whirling. This guy has some major self-control. If there had been naked pictures of him on the other end of a little bit of typing I would have used them to the fullest on some of my lonely nights for sure. But he also would have been happy about it. There is more to this story though. More than he is saying. He has had a hard on for me since we met I am pretty damn sure. He had the perfect opportunity to get some pleasure out of that whole fiasco and he didn’t for my sake even though I wouldn’t have known. No guy passes up free no consequence confidential porn on a girl he is super attracted to. They just don’t. It all adds up to something more and my mind is computing at rapid speed trying to figure it out. 

He didn’t look because he respects me. Noble, but I wouldn’t have known anyway and Josh is an incredible man but he isn’t a saint. He also didn’t look because I made the images for Nick and it would have made him jealous to see them knowing that. He said that he didn’t want to take what I didn’t want to give. Wait a minute…he didn’t want something fake. He wanted it to be real. He wanted to see me when I actually wanted him to. The implications of this whole scenario hit me like a ton of bricks. A thousand other memories flash through my mind. I see times we have spent together hanging out and holding hands, sacrifices he has made for me, bits and pieces of late night conversations and text messages at 3am. 

He is still talking but I am past listening. My heart is bursting with truth and joy and it brings me to a higher high than I have ever felt from drugs or alcohol. He seems not to have noticed that I have been tuning him out, lost in my own thoughts as I ponder the wonder that is my Joshy. He definitely notices when I lean forward and cut his words off with a kiss. I press my lips to his for a long time and his soon soften to meet mine and his hands fall to grip my arms. He starts to pull back but I angle my head to the side and press forward opening my mouth to deepen the kiss. He reciprocates and our tongues touch. It is tentative at first but when I moan into him he takes control. 

I am not sure how it happens but soon he pulls me forward and I am lying on top of him. His hands are on my back holding me close and his tongue is exploring my mouth thoroughly. I’ve never kissed anyone like this nor have I ever been kissed like this before. Not with so much meaning and passion pouring into each movement of our mouths against each other. I remember Francis talking to me about the kiss on the beach in Catching Fire; explaining how significant a moment it was because it was Katniss’s first passionate kiss. I listened but I didn’t get it at the time. No single kiss had ever held a lot of meaning for me. Now I get it. This may not be my first arousing kiss but it’s the first one in which I know that I will never want a kiss from any another man again. The first kiss that makes me want to belong to another person in every way forever. 

Eventually we have to come up for air and when we do he looks surprised at the turn of events. We have been lovers for a while but we’ve never made out like this before. There was just something too relationship about it. We have come together under unusual circumstances and rather haphazardly so it’s been difficult to determine exactly where we stand with each other not to mention the outside world. We are both breathing hard and I know I need to answer the question in his eyes. 

“You’re in love with me” I tell him. I can see he is a little disturbed by the comment and he tries to clarify. “Well you know how I feel about you. I’ve always loved you; we are just really close and all.” I smile at him and hold his face in my hands shaking my head. I start kissing him again and in between sweeps of my tongue and sucking his bottom lip into my mouth I tell him. “No, you don’t just love me because we are best friends. You are crazy over the moon completely in love with me.” I give him another long and passionate kiss before adding. “And you have been for a long time.” I can feel him starting to tremble in my arms. He couldn’t deny it now. I know the truth. His actions have spoken louder than any words he could say. 

I pull back and rest my forehead against his. “It’s ok” I sooth him. “I’m in love with you too. I don’t know exactly how or when. I just know I’ve been falling since before you even threw me that damn bread.” He is shaking almost violently and I hug him close and bury my face in the crook of his neck. “You’re safe baby” I tell him. “We’re both safe. I know everything has been scary and I’ve been freaking out too but we just need to face it. We can’t fight this and I don’t want to. I want this. I want us. I want it to be real too.”

He kisses me again, deeply, powerfully and I want to make love to him with a desperation that astounds me but I know we can’t. When we come up for air again our chests are heaving and I pull back a little so I can regain some composure. “Jen” he pants “if we keep doing this I won’t be able to stop myself from thinking about you as my girlfriend. Is that what you want?” I laugh. “Hun” I tell him in a sympathetic voice. “I’ve been your girlfriend for a while now.” He looks elated. “I’ve been trying to officially ask you and tell you how I feel about you but I could never settle on the right words. I keep writing them down but they just never seem good enough. I’m glad that you said something because I’m almost out of paper.” 

We stay at the beach late that night talking, kissing, holding each other. It seems strange to suddenly be so open about feelings we’ve been careful at controlling and hiding for so long. But it’s also incredibly freeing. Listening to the sound of the waves and gazing at the stars that night I feel like there are more possibilities for happiness in my life on this island with the man that I love than there were in my packed schedule back in LA and New York.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter wraps up the first phase of this journey. I could stop here and it would be a complete story in that it resolves one of the main plot conflicts. The two characters finally realize and admit that they are in love with each other (something we as the reader have pretty much known the whole time) but hey it's fun to watch it play out or we all wouldn't love romances so much. I really like that Josh never comes out with it and that Jen has to tell him that he is in love with her. It's not what you expect and with Joshifer I think the unexpected is better. There are other plot elements that are still left hanging however. Josh has some serious insecurity issues that have not been completely dealt with yet. Jennifer still struggles with her personal maturity to her own detriment (although it is pretty entertaining). And as any of us in significant relationships know, getting together is the easy part, staying together in the long term when the whole world starts piling up on you is the greater challenge. They are also obviously still stuck on an island. I have this mapped out in my head to be three total phases but it will take a lot of effort to finish it and we will see if it happens. I also have a lot of people requesting me to make my one shot Let It Happen On Its Own into a story at some point. Let me know what you think. Is this story good where it is or should I keep writing? Also, what ideas do you have about where the story should go next if you want it to continue?


	12. The Future of the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer and Josh continue to grow together as a couple but the absence of birth control is frustrating. Never the less they still find ways of spending quality time together. Jennifer also discovers why Josh isn't a picky eater and reflects on how his past has shaped who he is and what implications it may have for their future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always this is a work of fiction meant for your enjoyment. I appreciate all who have commented and those who are following this story closely. You who are reading and sharing feedback are my motivation to continue as I already have this finished in my head and you are the only ones I am sharing it with as no one in my real life knows that I write. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this one. It is pretty fluffy but enjoy the fluff as it is likely to take a deeper and darker turn in the future.

I’ve been asked about one billion times whether or not Josh is a good kisser. At the time I actually wasn’t in the best positon to say given that the vast majority of our kissing was done in front of an army of movie crew members and with Francis giving direction along the way. Now I can definitively say that he is a phenomenal kisser. It’s funny because before our conversation about the pictures and our subsequent admission of love we had been very physical but we were both holding things back, afraid of being hurt or rejected. Now he tells me he loves me every day and I am thriving on it. 

I know some people say I love you on like the second date but admitting to being crazy for each other was a huge deal for us. I can’t decide if we grew into it after so many years of being best friends or if we were lying to ourselves all along. After that night it was like we started our romantic relationship all over. When we work together its best buddies as always but quite frequently we find ourselves pulling the other to our bed, against a tree, over to a blanket on the beach or our sun bathing rock to kiss. 

I’ve never had a huge affinity for kissing before. I think because I was always in performance mode, nervous about disappointing the guy I was with and facing rejection if I wasn’t good enough. With Josh it’s different. He knows me, he accepts me, and he wants me no matter what. I feel like a teenager again during our long groping make out sessions. Sometimes we will endure or enjoy depending on one’s perspective two or three of them throughout the day before we finally give ouch other relief with our hands or mouth at night. Sometimes we can’t wait that long and I end of on my knees after breakfast or riding his face in midafternoon. 

It’s horrible not to be able to go all the way but my clitoris is extremely satisfied. She is even more of an attention whore than me sometimes. There are moments when the old doubts and insecurities take over again but Josh can read me like a book. He knows when my mind has shifted elsewhere. He’ll stop whatever he is doing to me and hold my face in his hands until I open my eyes and he can reassure me. “Jen, whatever is going on in that pretty little head of yours is a lie. You’re the woman of my dreams and everything you do pleases me. Just turn that off and let me make you feel ok? I want to make you feel everything.” And who can argue with a man who wants to give you one mind blowing orgasm after another and then shower you with love and affection? Not this Kentucky gal. 

Sex is more powerful with someone you love. Everything you do for each other takes on more meaning and makes you feel more whole. Now that things are out in the open I find that I’m more relaxed with him in the day to day as well. Things were easy when we were friends. They got complicated when we started fooling around. Now that I know where we stand again the comfort and familiarity have returned. Only now I don’t have to hold back with him. Anything I could do or say that shows my attraction and devotion is totally fine. It feels like being let go from a cage I’ve been in for years to suddenly take a stroll through the sunny and beautiful wide, wide world. 

There are times now when it is easy to forget that we need to be rescued. I just don’t think about it as much as I used to. One thing that I do focus on is trying to improve the taste and variety of our meals. I was a foodie my whole life so eating a steady diet of fish, cassava, and fruit has nearly killed me. It’s not that it is bad, but it is bland, and always the same. I experiment with different combinations and cooking methods but most of them are terrible. That doesn’t stop Josh from eating them though. He loves to eat and his standards for what is considered consumable are ridiculously low. 

“Stop Josh” I tell him one evening as he reaches into the “stew” I am trying to make. “Don’t eat that, it’s not even finished you’re going to get sick.” To drive home my point I slap his fingers with my stir stick before he can bring them back. He gives an exaggerated yelp and jumps back as if I really hurt him but I’m not falling for it. He’s a good actor but I know he can take hits a hell of a lot harder than that without even flinching. “Way to risk my anger over food that’s not even good” I tell him. He shrugs “It’s not that bad.” 

When I do declare my latest concoction complete I set two helpings on the table and try to hide my smile as he completely devours his. “Is your mom that bad of a cook that you actually like this stuff?” I tease him. He doesn’t answer me right away and opts to get seconds instead but when he returns to the table his expression is reflective. “My mom cooks sometimes when I am home but I don’t know that I’ve eaten too much of her cooking through the years. I’ve always been traveling and spent a lot of time on sets or in LA.” I often forget that the craziness started younger for him than it did for me. 

“So did you guys eat out more then?” I ask him. I know he and his mother are close but feel like I am still feeling out the dynamic. I hadn’t thought much about it before the crash. I know Michelle and we get along fine but that was when I was one of her son’s friends. I’m not sure I would know how to navigate her as his girlfriend. “Yeah, because we were on the road a lot or in airports. I ate quite a bit of left over craft service food too. I guess that’s why I’m not a picky eater.”

Josh is a left overs guy and I’ve never understood it. He’s been famous most of our lives. Why would he settle for such cheap and crappy food? “Craft service fresh I can handle” I tell him. “Craft service at 10pm in a hotel microwave and I pass. You were always one to go out in the evenings when we worked together. I was the stay in the room and order take out one.” He smiles at the memory. He’s probably relishing the time when a phone call brought dinner, I know I am. “It was different when I was younger” he explains. “Most of the cast were adults and they didn’t want a kid going out with them and things were strained between a lot of the child actors and parents. It’s a really competitive space and there are bad feelings sometimes. My mom was flying back and forth because Connor is younger than me and she still needed to see my dad. I usually just filled a box onset and took it back to the hotel or trailer and heated it up later when I did my school work. It was also cheaper and I was living in Oakwood which is expensive. I just didn’t want my job to cost my parents any more money. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to land another role to keep the cash flowing in.” 

I decide to go to the site and talk to Woody that evening. More accurately, to spend some time recalling a conversation we had shortly after meeting on the set of the first movie. I had only known Woody and Josh a short time at that point but I could already tell how fond they were of each other. They were kindred spirits, non-judgmental and fun loving. We had been discussing our careers and eventually got around to Josh’s background as well. “Poor kid” Woody had said. “He’s a heck of a personality but what a life. Putting the roof over your family’s head, keeping up with this business, networking and watching your back. He’s probably the loneliest kid I’ve ever met.” 

I didn’t agree with him at the time but our earlier conversation made me rethink things. I wasn’t a star until I was older and it was always my dream. My family didn’t even want me to be an actor and they have never depended on me for money. I’ve been around his family and they are nice people and they have some very nice things. His father is some kind of an analyst for the EPA and his mom doesn’t work. I know he wouldn’t change things but it was still a heavy burden for a kid. Worrying about getting enough parts to keep your career and your family afloat. Accepting and learning from the words of critics at every turn and trying to adjust your style and delivery. Doing your best to network in the business and to impress directors and casting leads. 

I picture a little boy in a hotel room heating up his dinner and pouring over school books and scripts late at night. I see him making new friends on a set only to never see them again. I feel his dislocation at being shuffled to and from this premier to that audition, see his earnest desire to please the adults in his life. He grows, he develops, it makes him who he is. But he still wants someone to love him. I remember the teenage boy I met at our first reading. Other people tired of me and my high energy easily. He always wanted to play with me, to hang out in our trailer at night, to talk for hours, to hold each other, to share the secret world that lay beneath the public personas. 

For the first year I thought for sure he was going to make a move on me sexually. No guy had ever shown so much interest who didn’t want something from me. But he did want something from me. He wanted a relationship that was actually about who he was. I never needed his fame or money, or connections. I was the bigger success in pretty short order. Other guys would have found that intimidating. He was always happy for me. He didn’t want one more person who needed him. He needed someone who wanted him. 

I am happy as I head to bed that night; Happy that I was able to fill a void in his life. That he felt love and acceptance from me and that it wasn’t just me taking comfort from him. I hold him closer than usual and kiss his face, shoulder, and back. He tries to push it further but I want to give him something else for once. “No” I whisper. “Just let me love you tonight.” He smiles as I run my hands over him and even sing softly until he sleeps. This is one of the things that works about us and has from day one. He needs to be nurtured and has suffered from a lack of it. I feel important and valued when I get to be the nurturer. I have lots of anxiety and crave his soothing presence. He feels accepted because what I need is who he is as a person on the inside. That’s what calms me, the strength that makes up the foundation of his character. 

Neither of us feel super ambitious the next morning and opt to stay in bed and munch on some fruit. It won’t last long because the heat will force us up, but until the sun rises in the sky it is actually pretty enjoyable. “Were you lonely before me?” I ask him, knowing the answer but selfishly wanting to hear him say the words. “Yes” he answers, rubbing his thumb on the back of my hand. “It wasn’t all bad though. I met a lot of great people but it seemed like everyone was always coming and going. I definitely got to work with a lot of big stars. And when I was little my Mom was there a good part of the time.” 

“So what did you do when you were lonely before me?” I ask and then immediately regret it. As insightful as it has been to talk about the earlier part of his life I really don’t want to hear about the girls he liked prior me and how they made him feel. “Before you? He questions. “Well, way before there was Jennifer Shrader Lawrence in my life there was yellow blankie.” I would think he was joking but he has talked about the infamous yellow blankie before. He had it when he was a kid and loved it but lost it when he got older at some point. It was something he could take with him all the time and have a piece of home even when he was traveling. 

“Oh I’m super jealous” I say in a pouty voice and stick out my lower lip. “No fair, that yellow blankie got to sleep with you first.” He grins at my ridiculous behavior and kisses my forehead like the child I am. “Well you should be” he tells me. “You are definitely more sexy but yellow blankie was awfully comfy. It was made from extra soft yarn and some friend of my mother’s made it just for me. It even had my name stitched on it.” 

I laugh with him for a minute before turning to a more serious tone. “Josh, what really happened to that blanket? I know you said you don’t really remember and think you lost it or something but I’m not buying it. You remember everything. There is no way you don’t know where it is.” He pursues his lips together and scratches the back of his neck, a strong tell that he is nervous. “Ok” he sighs. “I know where it is, at least I know where it was when I got rid of it. One day when I was 13 I brought a girl I was seeing back to my room to hang out and she saw it. She made fun of me and I threw it in the hotel dumpster that night. That was it, no more yellow blankie.” 

He says it in the most matter of fact way like he is reading a weather report. “What?” I spit out angrily. “That girl made fun of your blankie? I’ll kill that bitch. You loved that thing and should have had it forever.” He is shaking his head at me and gives me a little eye roll. “Calm down Jen. It was just a blankie and it’s my fault. I caved to the pressure and got rid of it. That’s just a really vulnerable time in your life and I didn’t stand up to her.” 

“I’m not going to calm down” I retort. “I hate bullies and mean girls and it wasn’t just a blankie, it was special to you. Besides, I would have liked to have had it to hand down to our babies.” I glance up at him and hope he will respond to the reference. We are completely stranded without medical care so it is hardly the time to start a family but sweet little Hutcherson babies have been drifting through my dreams and they are definitely something I want in the future. He dodges the issue though so I can’t get a read on how he feels about it. “I wish you were my friend then” he says instead. “I wish I were too” I tell him. “We could have built a fort out of that blankie.” 

“We wasted so much time” he whispers in my ear. My head is resting on his chest, my leg thrown over his waist as he runs his fingers through my hair. I don’t have a brush here so his fingers feel great gentling scraping my scalp and we usually make it a once a day ritual. “It wasn’t a waste baby” I tell him. “Everything we went through brought us closer, everything led us here and I’m not sorry for that. But I know what you mean. Things didn’t have to be so hard; we could have been taking care of each other like this all along.” As I speak I rub my thigh against him ever so slightly and feel his cock thickening beneath me. 

A smile graces my face as I slip my hand down to cup him and ask “Josh? When did you start thinking about me like this?” He groans a little and his eyes close but he smiles back at me. “What? Like when did I first notice you were hot? I knew that before we even met.” His arms have moved behind his head and he looks like a cat who just ate a dish of cream. He is enjoying this too much so I give his balls a quick little tug to get his attention. “I might believe you if you actually remembered our first meeting” I complain. The first time I ever saw him face to face we were at a party and I was wearing a white dress. I introduced myself but he doesn’t remember and I’ve always been a little pissed at how unmemorable I was. 

“You’re never going to let me live that down are you?” he sighs. I shake my head and try to use my hand to cover my smile. “So what is it you really want to know Miss Lawrence? The first time I jerked it and imagined it was you?” That wasn’t exactly what I asked but that question is by far more interesting so I nod enthusiastically. “After that phone call” he admits. “You know, the one about zombies, demon possession, and catheters.” I give him a look of disbelief. “That was before we even started filming” I gasp. “And your standards are low, that was about the least sexual conversation ever, I thought for sure you weren’t attracted to me.” He gives a non-committal shrug. “You were interesting and interesting is sexy to a guy like me. Besides, it wasn’t just what you said, it was your voice. I know you hate how deep it is but God it is perfect. When you get really excited about something your tone changes and just listening to it makes my balls tingle.” 

“Shut up” I half yell at him blushing and hiding my face. I don’t know how he can continue to embarrass a crude girl like me even when there isn’t an audience. “Well you asked and I answered O’Oscar winner so it’s your turn. As much as I’m scared of the answer when was the first time?” Now I’m really embarrassed and I give serious consideration to lying about it. “I’m waiting” he says tapping his fingers on my arm. “When was the first time those fingers made it into your panties for me?” I put my head back down on his chest. “Well…” I drag it out. “I guess right after Bridge to Terabithia came out on DVD.” His head snaps to the side. “What?” he demands. “I was like 14 years old. You cradle robber!” 

“Josh, stop!” I protest squirming against him to get away but he holds me firm. “You were cute ok.” He’s tickling me now too and I can’t help but laugh to the point of breathlessness even though I am annoyed with him. “So” he says when he finally stops. “If you were fantasizing about a boy you never met before I am sure I was sharing that stage with others.” I give him a quick kiss on the lips before I answer enthusiastically. “Hell yeah you were, Justin Timberlake for sure baby.” He grins good naturedly. “Well I can’t complain about that. Justin is the man. I think I can handle sharing 16 year old Jennifer’s fantasy life with him. But how about now woman? Now that you’ve had me do I measure up or are you still dreaming of Timberlake?” 

I know he is teasing but I sense a hint of real vulnerability behind it so I cup his face and kiss him again. Longer and slower this time and I gently suck his lower lip before responding. “No competition Hutcherson, I’m all yours” I reassure. He snorts gently as his hands trace my sides and skim over my breasts. “It’s not like I have any competition out here” he observes. I smile and he knows what I’m going to say before the words even leave my mouth. “You don’t have much competition anywhere.” We both have a chuckle at my bad Hunger Games joke and continue to kiss and caress. 

His tongue moves seductively against mine and his hands knead my aching breasts. When he drops his lips to lick one of my nipples I arch my back and thrust it into his mouth. He laves it gently and I whimper in frustration. I pull his face to me but he continues to administer long soft licks to my skin, refusing to give me what I want until I actually say it. “Damn it Josh” I whine. “Suck on them!” I can see his mouth form a smile even as his lips move to circle my areola and finally pull on the tender bud sending pulses of pleasure and longing to my core. When he finishes with the first he kisses a path to the other before loving her for a few minutes as well. I’m panting and clawing his back by the time he drags my panties down my legs. 

I’m soaked with arousal and would love the feel of his mouth but I don’t appreciate the conceited look on his face. Although I have the superior height his upper body is much stronger so if I want to gain the dominant position I have to catch him by surprise. When he starts to move down my body I lunge for him. I flip him on his back and follow closely behind so that my bare breasts are pressed against his chest and my legs are wrapped around his waist. My lips find his earlobe and I suck on it and tug it with my teeth while I rub my core on his growing erection. His boxer briefs are the only thing keeping me from guiding him inside me so I could make us both happy. 

My insides tighten and flutter at the thought of feeling him thrusting inside of me. I need to feel him within me more than I need to breathe. “Oh God” he moans in my ear. “I need you so much honey.” I reach down to pull his underwear off but he stays my hand. “No” he warns. “I don’t think I can trust myself if you take those off right now.” I slip my hand inside and give him some long firm strokes. “I don’t care” I tell him. “I want to. I need to. I need to be yours right now. You can pull out before you finish.” He’s shaking his head, a painful expression on his face as I suck the pulse point at his neck. “Can’t risk it” He pants. “There’s still a chance and I can’t do that to you. I can’t hurt you.” 

“Please baby” I beg, still kissing sensitive flesh as my hands continue to jerk him off, but not enough to make him climax. “I need you inside. I feel so empty. Fill me, fuck me.” My voice starts to break in desperation and I can see that my words are tearing him apart. His eyes are full of tortured indecision until they suddenly clear and he is turning us over so that my back is again pressed against the blankets. I am surprised I won this battle so easily but I am ready to welcome him between my legs until I realize that isn’t his intention. He quickly discards his briefs and before I can protest has his cock in my mouth. He moves it in and out as I eagerly suck and trace the bottom vein with long licks. 

“Fuck” he groans and I swear his eyes roll back in his head. “I can’t get enough of this. You’re so fucking gorgeous.” He turns around and circles my clit a few times before thrusting a finger deep inside of me. I let out a small sound of pleasure and surprise that is muffled by this steady thrusting. “That’s right baby, I want that perfect mouth moaning all over my dick. Nothing feels better than knowing you want me too.” His finger curls forward to stroke that spongy patch on my front wall and I instinctively grip him harder. “Good girl” he encourages me adding a second finger to stretch my aching core. Steadily, he brings his fingers in and out of me to match the cadence of his cock. It feels great, letting him bang me and fuck my mouth at the same time. 

I can’t imagine anything better short of actually being able to make love until I feel one of his fingers push gently inside of my anus and tease the tender and highly sensitive flesh just inside. “Josh!” I practically scream around his dick. He continues his steady assault though. His thick length filling my mouth and two of his fingers my pussy. His other hand plays with my ass and it drives me wild. His finger just teases at first, entering slowly and wriggling so that I can feel the naughtiness of its presence. As my moans become louder and my cunt coils tighter he slides it in all the way. With all of my holes completely filled with him I feel gloriously overwhelmed and cum in a trembling release that doesn’t completely subside until he empties into me as well and we have snuggled together for several minutes our hearts racing. 

He is nervous about what just happened and I’m a little scared too. He’s nervous because he didn’t ask permission and he thinks he might have stepped out of line or something. I’m scared because I’ve never felt that out of control before. Never let my body or emotions belong so completely to someone else. It’s a bit frightening but it’s also really exciting. I’m not sure if I want to feel that danger again, but I am positive that I never want to live without the pleasure it gave me. I cling to him my body still shaking slightly and murmur. “We talked about favorite moments on the island the other day… that was mine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that may have been a little too much for some of you but I warned you about adult content. For those of you who might be wondering yellow blankie is a legit thing and one of the things I actually didn't have to make up. I am pumped that I was able to work it in. When I asked last time what you were most interested in exploring more most of you said how they are going to deal with the lack of birth control and their families and how they might play into all this. This chapter starts to address both. The less events that actually happen in a chapter the more difficult it is to write and this one was a little tougher but it is a building block that needs to be included. Please let me know what you thought or if you have favorite Joshifer references you want included (yellow blankie is one of my favorites). I also got to include how irritated Jennifer gets whenever they bring up the fact that Josh doesn't remember meeting her for the first time (also a classic).


	13. The highs and the lows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Year two on the island presents many challenges for Jennifer and Josh from illness to dangerously hot weather. They find a way to survive the elements together and forge closer bonds in more ways than one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to much to all who are following this story. If you've been reading along but haven't left a comment yet please do so as they are very motivating to me and are continuing to influence this work. Much love to my loyal comment crowd, you are the reason I have persisted in this effort thus far as it is a lot of writing and I do not have a lot of time. I hope you all enjoy this chapter, it certainly has it's highs and lows as the title suggests. As always this is purely a work of fiction for entertainments purposes.

Year two is a tough one. The dry season is brutally hot and it takes all of our energy just to gather and prepare our food and water. We both suffer from illness off and on which takes a toll as well. Josh has some frighteningly high fevers and I contract a cough that it takes several months to shake. The grind of continuing to fight for our survival is endlessly boring and the heat and our wavering health cause us to bicker sometimes. I collapse on a walk back from fruit picking one day and he has to carry me back to camp and I won’t revive properly until being washed down with water for several minutes. It’s just another reminder that our lives are fragile and the passing days demonstrate how unlikely rescue is. 

I can’t help but fixate on our most probable outcome: one of us is going to die and leave the other alone until he or she succumbs to either illness or madness as well. I hate myself for the prayer that it is me who gets to go first. He is the shining light in my life and I refuse to face the darkness without him. Our love keeps us human despite the conditions and our bond only grows stronger from being tested by fire. That is exactly what the beating sun feels like; that the earth is literally a raging inferno. 

It is too hot to cuddle together even at night and nightmares begin to invade my sleep on a regular basis. When I close my eyes I feel the lurching in my stomach as the plane plummets to the ground. I see corpses littering the earth and smell the stench of burning flesh. Night after night I lose them in my dreams over and over again. Old wounds are reopened and I find it hard not to weep for them without end. 

Without Josh’s arms around me I dream more frequently of losing him too. I wake up trembling and soaked with sweat from images of him lying lifeless from a fall from a tree, his eyes closed and never opening from a fever he couldn’t recover from. He has strict orders from me never to swim alone so my heart picks up and I feel bile rising in my throat when I round the corner one day to see him lying in the surf. I run as fast as I can to him calling his name but he doesn’t respond. When I reach his body I shake him frantically but to no avail. His chest is still and my hand can find no heartbeat. His eyes are open but glassy and his lack of blinking horrifies me. I sit beside him in the shallow water crying hysterically and choking on the breaths trying to force their way in and out of my lungs. No! My mind keeps screaming. He can’t have drowned. He knows he can’t go into the water without me. The heat must be playing tricks on me. It can’t be real, it can’t, it can’t!

“Stop!” I think I shout but then realize the voice isn’t my own. I feel hot hands on my face and hear my name with a string of curses. When I open my eyes his face is very close and I lunge for him and pull him to me despite the sweltering temperature and our sweat slicked skin. He holds me for as long as we can stand it. I hear the rolling waves mixed with his voice, softer now that he has me back to reality. “Jennifer, baby I’m safe. I’m ok. I’m here with you. I won’t ever leave you alone.” I pull back and wipe the tears from my eyes and dry my face and neck with a rag. My lower lip is still trembling when I tell him. “You drowned.” He holds my face steady and shakes his head. “I would never do that. I don’t go into the ocean without you watching. Neither of us is going to drowned. You’re too important to me, I won’t be careless and get hurt that way.”

I sniff and nod and he is good to his word. He never gets close to the water without telling me first. He makes a rope harness for climbing and does everything he can possibly think of to ease my anxiety. It helps some but the weather refuses to relent. Weeks pass and the life continues to drain from our bodies to the point that one morning I can no longer get up. He hauls water and bathes me but everything is the same temperature: hot to the point of suffocation. I know he is sick too and I will my body to move but it won’t. “Just don’t give up” he begs me. “I would never quit you” I try to reassure. “This isn’t one of my mental disappearing tricks. I want so bad to get up and help you but my body is just too gone to do it.” Even in the shade I can see the perspiration slipping down his chest and back. “I know” he agrees. “It can’t last forever; I’m not going to fish anymore and no more going to the beach. It’s tiring us out and the salt water is dehydrating. I’m just going to get fruit and lots of water and we can eat raw cassava. We’ll stay in the shade and drink all day and sleep as much as we can.” 

He reaches out and caresses my face. “We’ll make it Jen” he tells me and manages a smile. “We’re victors, we can survive anything. Besides I have my beautiful girl with me and when it gets cool again I’m going to show her just how much I love her.” I love him too. More than I ever knew was possible. Even in the middle of this shitty and hopeless situation he is kinder and more generous than most people under the best of circumstances. His positive attitude is balm to my despair and I resolve to fight with every last breath within me to stay alive and take care of him. 

We survive the next several days by spending most of our time laying in the shade and periodically waking the other to drink around the clock. If either of us becomes too dehydrated we likely won’t make it. After a week and a half I feel almost at peace, content to die here with my friend and lover by my side. Anyone who has ever had a concussion or a bad stomach bug knows what it feels like to desire any escape from the dizziness and nausea. Everyone else thinks we are dead any way. They have mourned us and begun to move on. We are the only ones hurting now and I have accepted that this may be the final hours of my life. 

We lay on our sides in the moonlit night talking occasionally but mostly just watching the other. I need the visual reassurance that he is near to keep me going. “We have to keep fighting Jen” he insists. I bite my lower lip, unsure if I can but unwilling to argue with him. “You want me to live right?” he asks. At this I can nod my head confidently. “Then you have to live with me. I won’t make it without you. Neither of us can survive alone now.” It’s true. Maybe when we first got here we could have if a plane or boat would have come along but this last year has changed us. As much as I don’t want to admit it we share the same fate now. 

“No” I still fight back stubbornly. “I’m the sick one. I might die but you can still make it back. You can see our families again, patch things up with Claudia or find someone new.” He shakes his head and gives a mirthless laugh. “There’s no use Jen. You’re my whole world now. I’m staying with you no matter what happens, even if it means never leaving.” I take his hand and nuzzle it with my cheek. “Ok” I relent and just when I am about to fall asleep again his voice turns angry. 

“I’m not agreeing to die here with you; I’m agreeing to make it together. To keep building our life on this island, to take you home and give you that house in Kentucky you’ve always wanted with horses and babies. You want that right? Family holidays, the pitter patter of little feet, and growing old together?” I can’t help the tears that start to fall in response. “Then you have to live. You have to keep breathing” he pleads with me. He’s scared. I can hear it in his voice and feel it in his shaking hands. 

I do my best to steady my voice and say with as much strength as possible “I’ll do anything it takes to have that with you.” He gives me his best Hutcherson smile and extends his hand to me palm up. “Together?” he questions with a gleam in his eye that threatens to become a tear. “Together” I agree taking it and interlacing our fingers. I wish our dedication to each other could make everything better right away but things do not improve and we languished 3 more days before the rain begins to fall. At first it just adds dampness to the stifling heat but after the first rain passes the island begins to cool. 

Josh revives quickly and starts to gather and cook more food again. My recovery is more cumbersome. After taking bigger portions and having several nights of good sleep cocooned against him I am able to stand but even the smallest activities tire me out. He carries me to the beach so we can sit on a blanket and watch the sunset but I still won’t let him go into the water over his head. “You can see me” he insists. “Yeah but if something happens I still can’t help you” I remind him. His kisses are welcome and he covers me with them on my lips and jaw down to my throat and neck. It is all I am healthy enough for and he knows it and still takes the time to love on me at least once a day. I am starting to learn that when you really love someone showing them that kind of affection sustains you both. You just have to do it to feel right. It’s more a part of who you are than it is a feeling that you have. 

Once the rain starts it comes pretty frequently and we spend many days holed up in our shelter but they give me time to rest and rebuild my strength. Sleep and water relieve my nausea and by the time the first series of rains have past I am nearly as good as new. Josh insists on babying me and still hasn’t allowed me to swim with him or let our physical intimacy to go beyond passionate kisses. He agrees that I am well enough to take walks in the evenings though and I ask him one day if we can walk to the crash site after dinner. 

I put one of my most revealing dresses on and have been making eyes at him all day. He has been flirty too and I know he is aware of what I am up to. I want him. As my health began to improve the aching in my core returned and my breasts were throbbing this morning when I pressed them against his chest. I need to make love with him. I need it to confirm and celebrate our survival and to cement the promises he made when he thought I wasn’t going to make it. He must feel the same because he suggests that we start dinner prep much earlier than we normally would. He wants to take our stroll while it is still light so that he can look at me. So he can see my face when I come apart and watch his cock disappear into my mouth over and over. My panties are drenched with anticipation by the time we finish eating. 

We talk quietly on our way to the site and I am hyper aware of his thumb caressing the back of my hand as we go. My nipples harden in response to images of what those hands will do when we arrive. My body longs for his calloused fingers and magical tongue and my ears yearn to hear his panted words of love, promises that pour forth in the heat of passion, and desperate pleas for satisfaction. I crave what I know he won’t give. The desire to feel him within me is overwhelming. My hormones are content with the orgasms he gives easily with the flick of his tongue and the thrusting of his fingers. But my soul desires a deeper connection, to look into his eyes while he takes me as his, thrusting into me with all his might until he spills his seed into my womb. No act no matter how exciting or fulfilling can replace that. 

When we arrive he spreads the blanket and I lie down and settle into him, my head on his chest, his hands running through my hair. “I know what you want, but why did you want to come here?” he asks. His question is legitimate because I used to hate it. After we harvested all the available supplies we have generally kept our distance. Both of us will visit on occasion to pay our respects and to speak with the dead but it is basically a grave yard and we treat it as such. 

“I need new memories of this place” I answer, trying to put into words the conflicted feelings that lie in my heart. “We survived Josh” I continue. “We made it and they didn’t and that has been so hard. But after everything that’s happened the fact still remains that we survived. I’m ready to move on and I want to do it with you” I say pulling his hand to my mouth to give it an open mouthed kiss. “We can’t take anything for granted and we need to let them go. It’s time.” The speech is more for me than it is for him. I’m the one that’s been waking from nightmares and crying on his shoulder night after night for months. Nevertheless he nods and lays me back on the blanket. 

He takes a few minutes to just look at me before leaning over and taking my lips in a deep kiss that conveys both understanding and anticipation. His hand caresses my cheek as his tongue rubs against mine and I can’t help but let a little moan escape into his mouth. I would be more frightened of my desire for him but I know that it is mutual. We love each other and neither can stop and there is some security in mutual insanity. We spent so many years trapped in close quarters trying not to give in and love each other like this. There were always external circumstances that made it seem impossible. That and the constant insistence from the other that our feeling were platonic, even familial made my desire to fuck him seem inappropriate. Yet there we were day after day traveling and working together, sharing a trailer and sometimes even a bed. I felt like VC Andrews was going to call and ask for her relationship back. 

It all seems silly now as I feel his kisses slide down to my neck and fall like the rain we had prayed so hard for on my chest and collar bone. “Josh” I whimper tugging his hair and bringing his face to where I can look deep into his gorgeous eyes. “Did you really mean all of those things you said when I was sick?” I don’t have to clarify. He made promises about many things that we had never discussed before in the darkest moments of the last several months and I had lived off of the dreams he gave me. “Well” he begins giving me a smile I know to be conciliatory which brings my world to a stop. “I meant most of them” he offers. Pain instantly rips through my being. He didn’t mean it. He was desperate and he knew me so well and he told me what I wanted to hear. I can’t believe it; that he would shatter the trust he had worked so to build with me through the years. It was a bad idea to come here. I can’t do this with him. I lost Liam here and now I’m losing the man I thought Josh was too. 

He’s still smiling at me which seems off. He can usually read my thoughts and see when he has upset me. Just when I am about to push him off he continues. “The marrying the most beautiful woman in the world and loving her the rest of my life part I am in with for sure and I can’t wait to see what you look like filled with my baby. But horses Jen? I’m just not sure I am that committed to this.” Holy fuck he was joking. Kidding with me and I didn’t pick up on it. No way, he is not that good of an actor. I laugh and smile back because I don’t want him to know I fell for it but it’s too late. A single tear slips out and trails a path of emotionality across my cheek that he couldn’t miss anywhere. His hand automatically lifts to wipe it away. “Oh my God Babe, you thought I was serious” he says clearly both baffled and alarmed. He kisses my cheeks and covers my face in small loving little pecks. “I would never lie to you about anything you hear me?” 

It’s too late. The emotional damn has broken and I break out in an embarrassingly loud sob and bury my face in his neck. He holds me and strokes my back, pulling me on top of him and gently rocking me back and forth. “Sorry, I’m such a fucking asshole. I screwed that up so bad. I was just teasing. I’d do anything for you honey and I want everything with you.” His words and gentle hands calm me and in a few minutes my eyes are dry and my breathing has returned to normal. Some seductress I am. I brought him out here to tempt him into finally consummating this thing and all I succeeded in doing was having an emotional breakdown. 

The night is still young though and I am lying right on top of him. I adjust my core downwards a little to align it with his and find that he is already hard for me. I wriggle my hips slightly to give myself some much needed friction and his hands leave my back to descend lower and cup my ass. Our kisses grow wild and sloppy as we grind our most sensitive parts together but I’ve been crying so I can’t keep my nose from running and have to break our contact to wipe it on the blanket. I’m about to apologize for the imperfection of the moment when he covers my mouth with his hand and grins. “Don’t baby its fine. It’s not like I haven’t eaten your snot before and for a lot less reward.” His eyes are dancing with amusement and I am filled with warmth at the memory. 

When we filmed Catching Fire and he hit the force field I kissed him right after. I had been crying for several takes and eventually the string of snot was so thick it literally stretched between us when I pulled away. He has been cracking jokes about my disgusting wet kissing ever since. It is usually pretty funny but I don’t want to be good time pals with him tonight so to shut him up I sit up right on his dick and pull my dress off. He loves to look at my breasts and I want him to have to watch them bounce and sway as I ride him through our underclothes. His eyes quickly lose their earlier mirth and cloud with naked lust. His hands kneed my ass and pull me against him with desperation. 

“Please baby” I lean forward and whimper in his ear. “I need you so much. Just fuck me. It’s going to happen. It has to happen. We have to be together. I know why you don’t want to but I want a baby with you.” His body is quaking with want and desire but he still shakes his head. He sits up and quickly turns me over and starts covering my bare back in delicate and entrancing kisses. “I’m losing my mind too babe but we can’t. We can’t ever do that here. You could die honey.” I hear the need for understanding in his voice but I am past caring and rationality. “I could die anyway” I answer. The feather lite touches of his lips and the strength of his love for me make me shiver and suddenly his fingers are filling me. 

I can literally hear how wet I am as he brings his fingers in and out of me and I plead with him to make us one. “It’s ok, you can pull out before you finish” I reassure him. He pauses and for a moment and I think he will agree until I feel his index finger enter my anus again. My muscles instantly contract at the invasion but it isn’t unpleasant. His other hand slips to my clit and rubs circles on the swollen nerve to keep my excitement ready. Since the first time he has often added a finger here to increase the pleasure I get from my clitoral orgasms or add to the fullness that I feel when he rubs the sweet spot on my front wall. I like it a lot and he knows it but he hasn’t pushed me to discuss it at length sensing how embarrassed I am to admit to him the extent to which I crave his penetration of my body in this somewhat taboo but satisfying way. 

Tonight is different though. He doesn’t just tease me for stimulation or fill me for pressure while he works elsewhere. He pushes his finger deep inside of me and pulls gently on each side. I’m moaning his name and urging him to continue when I feel him add a second finger. It isn’t easy. My flesh is tight and resistant but he took time to lubricate it well and as I take some calming breaths and relax I can feel both digits deep within. He is slow to move them so I urge him on. “Fuck, that feels amazing baby. Yes, fill me like that. Oooh, give me a little more.” My words must affirm him because he starts to move them in tandem and bend them slightly in each direction. 

It feels good but he isn’t rubbing my clit anymore so he knows I won’t finish. When I feel a drop of his pre-cum on my lower back I realize why he stopped touching me. I glance over my shoulder to see his dick in his hand and his eyes fixated on where his fingers are pushing in and out of my anus. He isn’t just getting off on this he is getting me ready. HELL YES! Since he never progressed things I thought he didn’t want to but right now his cock is swollen and red and telling quite a different story. He rests it right between my legs and pants in my ear. “Jennifer, God I have to be inside of you baby. Please. Just let me, I won’t hurt you I swear. Just once”

He might sound more shy if he wasn’t so horny. “Yes Joshy” I answer. “Put it inside of me now. I want it too as long as you promise to shoot a big load inside me.” My last words push him over the edge of sanity and he rips his fingers out of me and has his cock in their place in one hard thrust. Pain mixes with the pleasure of being taken by him this way and I can’t help but let out a yelp of alarm. He stills and kisses my shoulder and starts to rub my clit again. My insides contract slightly from the stimulation and the sensation of being so completely filled by this man that means everything to me is completely euphoric. 

His hand works my clitoris expertly while he thrusts into me from behind and the coil of pleasure tightening from my front combines with the feeling of his skin sliding along mine from within. I can hear him grunting in pleasure as my tight channel encases him again and again. “Fuck Jen, I never thought. Look at my dick going in and out of you shit I don’t think I can take it anymore.” His fragmented thoughts show just how gone he is and when I realize he is having anal sex with me and loving it I cum hard, my body coming apart around him and gripping him even tighter. He lets out a nearly inhuman cry the echoes my own and pulls my hips back while he shakes with release. I feel warmth spirt into me several times and find a deep sense of satisfaction that I have pleased him and that his fluids are inside of me. 

He slips out as he softens and turns me on my side to spoon me from behind. It feels incredibly right, one of his hands on my stomach, the other holding one breast. His lips find a sensitive spot on my neck, nuzzling and leaving small bites on occasion as we come down from our high. We don’t speak for a long time; content to be so close together listening to each other’s breathing and feeling our hearts beat in tandem. Hearts that continued to pump despite the disaster that occurred here nearly two years ago. I know he is not entirely at ease with what just happened and won’t be until he knows that I am ok with it and that he didn’t hurt me. I turn in his arms and actually giggle when I meet his eye. I am a grown woman and what we did was perfectly fine but my cheeks still warm with color, maybe from the conservative culture I was raised in around Louisville. 

My hands find his chest and I lift my face to offer the words I know will put everything at ease between us. “You love that I get off on a little anal play. Real or not real?” He can’t help it. He busts out laughing and shakes with it until I think he is going to cry. I join in because the whole thing is just too ridiculous. When he can finally draw some breath again he answers “Real baby, holy shit, very real.” That sets off another round of laughter that takes a few minutes to recover from. “I have to say Jen, that line seemed somewhat more romantic in the book.” I run my tongue along the shell of his ear and press my breasts against his chest before raising my eyebrows at him. “Do you want romantic or do you want me sweetie?” The term of endearment is purely to bait him. He hates to be called sweetie. One of his girlfriends called him that all the time and I always made fun of him for it. “You princess” he grins. “Definitely you.” That sends me back into the giggles because “princess” is probably the worst descriptor that has ever been applied to me. 

Later that night lying in each other’s arms he apologizes for hurting my feelings again. “It’s totally fine hun” I reassure him. “You were just teasing and if anyone dishes it out and has to take it it’s me. I’m not mad about it at all. But I am a little pissed that you held out on me for so long if you like what we did tonight. Please don’t tell me you’ve wanted to do that since we got here.” His hand in my hair stops and he tilts my chin up so that he can kiss me properly. “Jennifer, I’ve wanted to do that much longer than we’ve been here.” A frown creases my brow as a list of possible explanations run through my mind. He’s never talked to me about that part of his sex life, if it was ever part of it, so I had just assumed he wasn’t into it. 

He notices my intense pondering and shakes his head with a sigh. “Don’t hurt yourself, it really isn’t that complicated. You told me you didn’t like doing it a long time ago and I wasn’t going to ask for something I know isn’t your favorite.” He must see my expression move from problem solving to general confusion because he addresses it before I have a chance to ask. “I’m not even sure how much of that conversation you remember. You were smashed, called me at 3am rambling about how Nick didn’t finish you and you were sick of him only wanting what would get him there quick and how sore you were after” I wince. “Sorry, that was really shitty of me.” He waves his hand dismissively. “It’s fine; I was your best friend. You’re bestie takes those calls and doesn’t hold it against you.” 

“Well” I tell him. “I don’t remember complaining about it to you but you’re right it hasn’t always been a great experience for me but it was tonight with you and there is nothing that’s off limits ok?” He nods hesitantly. “I mean it” I continue. “As long as it doesn’t involve another person, which shouldn’t be a problem for us for the foreseeable future, anything you want is ok with me. I’ll be your play thing if you’ll be mine alright?” He definitely seems excited about that and nods with a groan before taking my lips in a long passionate kiss. He must want play time to begin right now because his hands are in my panties and he works 3 climaxes out of me before dawn. We don’t get much sleep but I am glad to distract him with sex so that he doesn’t remember that his acting actually fooled me today. If he really thinks on it I will never hear the end of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a million for reading. It is difficult to capture what is actually pretty serious and horrific content with such a humorous character voice but I am doing my best and that is what makes this story what it is. I got a couple more real Joshifer references in there as well. The sexual content may or may not be your thing but if this situation really played out I am pretty sure this is actually what would at some point transpire. Please leave me your feedback including favorite lines or moments as well as what you are interested in hearing about in future chapters. Although it is time consuming to concoct, I love being able to listen to Jennifer's thoughts in real time as the story unfolds. I am the one writing it and it still makes me laugh. I sometimes wonder what's up with me that I am even able to make this stuff up.


	14. Frustration and passion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer and Josh have been on the Island for three years when frustration and anger begin to set in. Jennifer is careless and says things that she doesn't mean in a moment of bitterness and it costs their relationship dearly. Even through those challenges they continue to find ways to connect both old and new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always this story is for entertainment purposes only and I do not know any of the real people the characters are based on. Thanks so much to all who have left me comments especially BellaGracie and I Clone Celebrities who have provided me with detailed feedback which has impacted how this story continues to take shape. Thanks to all who are reading. Feel free to drop me a comment on what you liked best or what ideas you have for future chapters and where you would like to see this go.

We actually miss the official third anniversary of being on the island. Marking the first year seemed so monumental but we stay busy and although Josh continues to mark the days we don’t bother to count them out that often anymore. It just doesn’t seem very important. Getting food, maintaining our supplies, and spending time together are the priority. Those things are real and as the months pass the lives we had before crash are starting to fade. I still think of my family and I talk about them all the time but I don’t feel homesick anymore. I find myself accepting that my life is here now and with that realization comes a level of frustration of how limiting our circumstances are. 

I still haven’t convinced Josh to have sex with me and it is becoming a greater point of contention between us every day. He insists that the risks are too great but I think they are worth it. Not only because I want him so much but because I want to have a baby. I’m not getting any younger and I’ve found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know a pregnancy here is one of his greatest fears but that may be the only way I can become a mother and one thing I’ve always known about myself is that I do want to be a mother. 

“I want to have a baby” I tell him again. He sighs and rubs his face with his hand. “That’s insane Jen. We’ve been over this. Does my name tag say Dr. Hutcherson?” he asks motioning to his chest. I really want to continue sulking but I have to laugh. “I’m serious” he continues. “There are a million things that could go wrong and even if the birth went ok it would only be a matter of time before the baby got sick and there would be nothing we could do.” He’s right of course and I try to put it out of my mind but there is an aching emptiness in my chest that seems to grow with each passing day. I’ve always been close with my mother and had assumed that I would share a close relationship with my own children too. At this point I have accepted that I may never work again, see my friends and family again, or eat pizza again. But I can’t accept that I may never have a child. I’m just not willing to give that up. 

It also burns me up that he is able to say no to me so easily. I know he wants to screw but rationally we both know it’s not a good idea and with Josh rationality beats passion every time. How much does he even love me if he isn’t willing to take risks for us to be together? Doubts begin to fill my mind. Is he really just afraid of the medical risks of a pregnancy here or does he not want to be permanently tied to me in that way? I wake in the morning and smell the fresh cut flowers he has left on our bed for me. He must be hauling water because his side of the bed is cold. I gather the gorgeous blooms and toss them out of camp because they annoy me for a reason I can’t quite put a finger on. 

I hear him make that cricket noise a few times as he walks up the path and roll my eyes. He starts the fire and boils cassava while continuing to chatter on about improvements he has been thinking about for the camp. I cut the fruit, probably chopping harder than I need to. “I’m going to need your help at the dive hole today” He tells me. “And not just watching for me, I want to make a big haul if we can so we can let more of this cassava mature without harvesting so much of it.” His comments get under my skin. “Of course I’ll help you and I always do my share. You’re the one who makes me get most of the fruit everyday” I spit in response. 

“Whoa, calm down tiger” he says holding his arms up in surrender. “I wasn’t trying to get at anything Jen. Just that we need to take it easy on the cassava patch for a few days.” I know that. He always thinks that I don’t know anything and that he is so much smarter than everyone else. “Well, maybe if you spent more time planting it and less time picking flowers we would have enough” I bite back. His brow knits in angry confusion at the dig on his efforts to romance me. He decides not to take the bait verbally though and instead works up one of his disgusting spit bubbles that Liam always found so entertaining and lands one on my arm as he walks to gather his gear before heading out. Fuck him. He knows I hate that. 

Things are tense for the rest of the day. We both need space from each other but the chores need to be done. I know I keep biting his head off for every little thing but I don’t care. He is fucking annoying and I’m sick of it. I just want to be with…someone else. I want to hang out with Jenna or Liz or have a drink with Natalie. I love Josh but today I just can’t stand him anymore. His easy going smiles and charming disposition are downright infuriating sometimes. Why does he have to be so positive? Why can’t he just admit that life totally blows and say fuck the world on occasion? 

I tolerate his attempts at conversation throughout dinner but don’t offer much in the way of reply. When we finish I clean up quickly and pull on one of his button up shirts. Geez, even when I go off alone I still have to do it wearing his clothes. “I’m going for a walk” I get out moving swiftly past him and down to the beach without looking back. The feel of the breeze on my face should be freeing but instead I feel completely trapped. This is it. This is what I am going to spend the rest of my life doing; Working day after day for food and water on this tiny island hanging out with Josh. I have a headache. I know I shouldn’t be taking things out on him but there is no one else to punish and I am just so mad. I am so fucking angry. 

I walk and walk until darkness has long fallen and my legs are aching. As I approach camp I can tell he is still awake by the rhythm of his breathing. I should be supportive and go and sleep with him but I can’t stand it. I don’t want to sleep with a man who refuses to make love to me. I lie down in the hammock and look at the stars. Even they fail to impress me with their vast majesty as I turn my little world over in my mind again and again. I hear him get up and sit by my side. His voice is timid but determined. “I don’t know what you’re going through right now Jen but I’m sorry that I…I’m just sorry that’s all.” 

I am such a shit bag. I should be apologizing not him. But I feel so hateful I just keep staring into the sky. He stands and I feel a light tugging on my shirt as he unbuttons the front and unclasps my braw to bear me before him in the moonlight. He doesn’t ask for my understanding or my love. Instead, he gives me pleasure. His lips tug at my nipples and his tongue swirls around my clit. Despite my bitter internal resistance he forces multiple climaxes from my traitorous body. I never reciprocate and stay in the hammock after he leaves me, likely to relieve himself or perhaps to curse the day I was born (I would). But my body still hums with satisfaction and my heart threatens to spill over with love to overcome my awful malaise. 

That’s the whole problem. I love him. I give him everything the second he touches me and I’ve lost control of my life. I know he was trying to heal things between us tonight but his ability to manipulate my weaknesses and appease my sinful desires just make me more resentful. Why do we have to be stuck here and why does everything have to be so complicated and unfair? And why isn’t he as weak for me as I am for him? I barely sleep all night and when I wake in the morning he has already had his breakfast and gone. He knows I need space. Again, why does he have to be so damn understanding? I need something to be pissed about and he isn’t doing me any favors. 

Fury over nothing in particular is boiling up in me by the time he returns and when the sound of his voice snaps me out of my bitter train of thought my hand jerks in surprise bringing the knife I’m using right across the palm of my hand. “God Dammit Josh!” I scream at him grabbing a cloth to wrap my hand in. It sucks to slice your palm open under any circumstance but significant injuries like this can be life threatening here. He runs to fetch ocean water to cleanse it with and when the salt seeps into the wound I can’t hold back the tears that stream down my face. He looks helpless, I feel miserable. 

He holds me and tells me how sorry he is that he startled me. “I don’t care about my hand” I say to him. He frowns and asks “What’s going on with you Jen? I know you are checked out sometimes but this is different and I don’t know what to do to help you.” I ball my good fist and scrunch up my nose in frustration. “I told you what you can do. I want to have a baby.” His shoulders drop in defeat. “I can’t do that babe. I love you so much I can’t risk losing you.” I’ve heard it all before and I don’t want to hear it again. “So that’s it then. I really don’t have a choice about my own future” I accuse. 

He runs his hand through his hair and looks like he might just try to rip it out. “God dammit woman” he curses. “I know you want a baby but you’re still young and we could be rescued any day. We’ll never forgive ourselves if something goes wrong. And I know you seem sure now and you want to be a mother but why with me? The volcano of anger erupts inside of me as he clearly accuses me of not knowing what I want. “Why you? Well I really don’t have much of a fucking choice do I? Why do you think I’ve done everything…” I stop that train of thought because I already know I’ve gone too far. Shit! I scream internally why the fuck did I just say that. But I know why. I wanted to hurt him because he hurt me. 

I ready myself for a full out screaming match but something much worse happens. “You’re right, I’m sorry. If we aren’t rescued in the next year I’ll do what you want me to. It’s your life and I don’t want to get in your way.” As he speaks the words so calm and measured I am horrified to see the light in his eyes that has always shone for me go out. “Josh” I answer. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it and I love you so much.” He pulls me close again and kisses my cheek. “It’s ok Jennifer, I’m a big boy and I can handle the truth. We’re ok and I promise you’ll get to be a mother someday.” 

But we aren’t ok. He still holds my hand when we walk on the beach and still works his ass off with me to keep us alive. I still sleep in his arms at night and we fool around pretty much every day. He is perfectly supportive and loving in his actions and in the care he gives me but the flowers no longer show up at our camp and he never mentions the incident again. He still fingers and tongues me with the upmost patience and finesse but he no longer whispers words of love while he kisses my neck and when I go down on him his expressions are more painful than passionate and afterward his eyes more haunted than satisfied. He jokes with me but his smiles no longer reach his eyes. 

I almost can’t believe it and think he will snap out of it any day but he doesn’t. To an outsider we appear perfectly happy but I know us well enough to know that we are miles apart. I only have myself to blame. I let me moodiness and frustration drive me to break him. I snuffed out the bright and shining light of my life. I would trade back to best friends if I could. At least then I would have a shot at making him happy. He still loves me, I keep reassuring myself. But the light is still gone and I realize that it wasn’t just love for me I saw in those beautiful eyes it was the hope that I would eventually return his love in equal force. 

I cry more often and make up excuses for it. I throw myself into work at camp and stop telling him that I love him, he doesn’t believe me anyway and it only pushes him to separate himself even more. It’s nearly unbearable to be around him day after day and realize how much he has changed, how he isn’t my Joshy anymore. I get up one night to find the knife to do some cutting and help me deal with the pain but he stops me. He carries me to our bed and covers me with kisses and takes me from behind while he whispers to me how beautiful I am, how important, and that he craves me night and day and that I am the best friend he has ever had. I don’t cut myself that night or ever again. 

One day out of the blue I come back from getting wood to find all kinds of items and articles of clothing on our bed and our kitchen table. I give him a questioning look. “You need to start working again” he says. “And so do I.” I continue to look at the things that he must believe we can use as props. “We know tons of scripts by heart and we don’t want to get too out of practice” he continues. “I don’t know Josh” I reply. “Don’t you think this will just frustrate you more and make us both more homesick?” He shakes his head. “This is what we loved doing our whole lives. Forget the audiences, directors, awards and agents. Let’s just do it for ourselves and for each other. I would love to see you run some scripts of things that I was in and I can try some of yours too.” 

That is how it begins. At some point every day we work on scenes, on action sequences, on blocking various shots. He has a phenomenal memory and in addition to running old scenes from the Hunger Games he teaches me a lot of new scripts and characters some of which he was never even cast for. It’s exhausting sometimes but I can feel the blood racing through my veins again. I feel more like myself. It helps us grow back together as well. Things aren’t what they used to be and I don’t think he trusts me anymore but working together on our life here and our acting help bridge some of the gap. 

Sometimes we bicker and when he gives me advice I tell him that he can give those tips to my Oscar. He laughs, he has never been intimidated by my success and that’s one of the reasons I fell in love with him. He wants what is best for me even when it means letting go and letting me grow. It is hard for me to take even minor criticism from him though. I could hear it from Francis or David all day long and never bat an eye but my eyes instantly fill with tears if I think I am not meeting with his approval. I even cried that time he said my sweatpants were ugly. 

I want to do something special for him for getting me back on the stage again. It really has made me so much happier. I work on some scenes from his favorite movies in my head and then down at the crash site. I perform them by the water so that I can evaluate some myself and after a few weeks I think that I am ready. I decide to perform them by firelight so I wait until a night with a full moon and add plenty of wood to the fire. I have him sit and tell him that I have a surprise for him. I’ve changed into one of my sexiest dresses that still allow for good range of motion and he can’t take his eyes off of me. 

I perform line after line under a curtain of stars and he is there watching as if I am some magical enchantress. The firelight flickers and complements his lightening hair and his defined muscular arms and there has never been an audience I have wanted to please more. I can feel myself being carried away as I give everything to the performance and to the characters I am brining to life. By the time the series is over I am nearly out of breath from the excitement of delivering such a brilliant and powerful rendition of each production. He gives me a standing ovation before backing me up against a tree and kissing me deeply and more thoroughly than any man ever has. We don’t make it to bed and instead fall onto a blanket where we stroke, suckle, and nibble every bit of each other until we have both collapsed from the power of it. I hope against hope that what we share will restore him to me fully but he is much more guarded in the morning. I try to count my blessing and hold onto last night because I don’t know if I will ever experience anything so exhilarating and passionate again. I won’t give up though. No man could love a woman like he loves me and never give her a second chance to earn his trust and prove her loyalty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has some angst but don't be too hard on Jennifer. I think we have all taken our frustrations out on a significant other at one time or another and she is still dealing with a lot of loss. I got a few real Joshifer references in this chapter like Josh's cricket noises and spit bubbles and Jennifer crying over him saying her sweatpants were ugly. If there are other references you would like for me to work in drop me a comment and let me know. Also, whose side are you on concerning the baby issue. Is Josh making the right call not to endanger Jennifer and a potential child or is Jennifer well within her rights to decide for herself if this is a risk she wants to take in order to have a family?


	15. The Way You See Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer tries to reach out to Josh and salvage their relationship while a tropical storm forces them into close quarters. The honest conversation that results will either bring them closer together or permanently damage their chances.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to much to those who have been commenting and discussing this story with me. They really are cute characters and I have enjoyed developing them. If you have ideas or thoughts on where things are going please make sure to share them with me. This chapter is long and was difficult to write but it does a lot to move the story forward.

I miss him. I’ve grown to accept the loss of everyone else in my life. They are all dead or so far removed from me that they might as well be. He is still here, still present in body and mind but he no longer offers his heart to me and it’s slowly breaking mine. I still accept sexual pleasure from him because I am too far gone to stop but it only intensifies my heart ache. This shouldn’t be happening. We need each other so much and we’ve been through everything together. Why can’t we get our shit together and make this work? I guess life is more complicated than young love. I try everything I can think of to get him out of his shell. I’m beyond kind and considerate for weeks hoping that he will eventually feel comfortable enough to get vulnerable again. I bring him flowers and make him special meals. I try every dirty sexual act I’ve ever heard or thought of to show him that I desire him and want him back. He largely remains the calm and courteous boyfriend, attentive but detached. 

He has moment of weakness though. Times when I see the old Josh flicker in his eyes. Sometimes his hands tremble when they linger on my waist too long or on the small of my back. Every once in a while I’ll see the true fire of desire on his face when our gazes meet with one of my breasts in his mouth or his dick in mine. He’ll grip my hair and face more tightly than he means to when he cums and the pain is reassuring. He still needs me more than he wants too. 

When he is unguarded in sleep he gravitates to me shamelessly. His mouth usually finds my neck and his hands are most at rest filled with the flesh of my hip or breasts. He dreams of me, calls for me at night and I calm and hold and caress him. Before the crash we were often separated for weeks or even months at a time working on various projects all over the world. But we texted and used skype and face time and I always knew that he was thinking of me. I was his girl even if our relationship was frustratingly undefined. Now we spend every minute of every day together and I’ve never felt more alone. 

I use my female intuition to scheme. I concoct a hundred plans to win him back and try many but nothing works. I am reluctant to resort to crazy hysterical Jen because of how badly I scared him when we first arrived but I am getting desperate. I am his kryptonite. If I can show him how unhappy and how lost I am without him he will cave. And it could be a win win. If I appeal to the savior complex every nice guy has buried within I can get the comfort and affirmation that I need and it will boost his ego too. It feels immature though, like a point in our relationship that we past a long time ago. I don’t care; I need to hear him tell me how much he loves me again. I need to feel protected and special and only Josh can give me that. 

It might have worked too, another successful false start of moving forward together manipulated by my incessant need to feel loved by him. Fortunately, the island had other ideas. It was actually a pretty good day given how things had been going for us lately. “Worst movie remake of all time?” He asks as we scrub laundry at the beach. “That’s a no brainer” I say off handedly. “Red Dawn.” He is silent. Shit! I hurt his feelings again. Why can’t I fucking get it that our friendship isn’t like that anymore. I look up to face the music for the insult and he is smiling and giving me the middle finger. I grin back and laugh for the first time in days. Only in our world is giving the bird a sign of affection. It’s a good sign though. A sign that we still speak the language that made others jealous of our connection for so long. 

“Ok, so what is it smartass?” I ask him. He thinks on it. “Well” he offers. “There are a lot of shit bag remakes. I guess the worst would have to be Clash of the Titans.” I let out a long breath while considering. “Yeah” I agree. “That was pretty fucking awful, but the worst of all time? I’m not sure it deserves that illustrious title. You are going to have to make a case.” He always cleans faster than me and puts his last pair of worn shorts in one of the baskets I made and reaches over to help me. In fairness, I wear twice as much clothing as him so I think that I am justified in taking longer. “I think its main sin is bad writing” he tells me. “They had a fantastic base story that had been popular for thousands of years and they sold it short by interjecting a message that was not only not there but made no sense given the subject matter.” 

He is brilliant and he is going to make an incredible director if we ever make it home. During our press tours his responses and knowledge of the world always outshone anything Liam or I could offer. His intelligence was one of the things that always drew me to him. Answering questions from the press has always been difficult for me and he could read when I was struggling and break in to rescue me. I am impressed with how smart he is and have always been very proud of him. Now I am wondering if he actually knows that. 

“Movie remake we should have been in together?” He asks, breaking me out of my thoughts. I make an exaggerated frownie face. “You always told me not take any remakes” I whine. He laughs “And you still shouldn’t. You can hold out for the best original scripts. Remakes are always more risk than reward. They are for actors that need to take them for money, but this is obviously just a hypothetical. What remake would we have made the perfect cast for?” “Pearl Harbor” I answer and he shakes his head vigorously. “God, you know I fucking hate that movie. It was a disaster.” I smile too because I clearly supplied it just to get a negative reaction and I caught the pun. “Top Gun” I suggest. “I can cut my hair to my chin again and fluff it out and you could literally just wear your normal clothes. I’ve always said you are the best movie runner since Tom Cruise.” He puts one of my bras in the basket and gives me his cocky grin as he lifts my chin and kisses me. It doesn’t linger long but his confident smile and the taste of his lips leave my knees weak. “Fuck yeah” he tells me “We would be the shit in Top Gun and you riding on my bike with me? That is hot as hell.” He hasn’t flirted with me like this in a while and I can feel my cheeks flush with pleasure. 

The moment is lite despite the heat I feel on my face and I am reluctant to let it go. I look up from my washing to ask another movie question when I see the darkening in the distance. “Josh” I say to get his attention and motion towards the horizon. “Shit” he murmurs and we hurry to finish before racing back to camp to prepare the shelter. It is much improved from our first year or two and now includes a large storage compartment in addition to our sleeping area and is nearly waterproof. We’ve been through many storms and easily work as one to load the needed provisions. We don’t get it done before the rain starts though and the drops of water are unusually cold as they hit my face and neck. The temperature drop is considerable and lightening streaks the sky. 

There are a few more things I would like to bring in but Josh grabs my arm to stop me. “It’s too dangerous” he urges right as a huge crash of thunder causes me to jump a foot in the air and scares the life out of me. “We’ll go out when the lightening passes” he assures me. “Did you get my horses?” I ask a little panicked. My lower lip is trembling from cold and fear. I hate loud noises, especially unexpected ones. They agitate my anxiety and make me tearful. His hands fall to my shirt which he quickly removes along with my bra before pulling my soaked skirt and panties down to my ankles. I step out of them and he sheds his shorts and boxer briefs too. His hands frame my face and our eyes meet. “Yes baby” he sooths me. “I have your horses and the playing cards.” Another thunder clap sounds even closer. He takes my hand and guides me to our bed and I dive under the covers and pull them over my head. 

He takes time to dry off before joining me. He lies on his back with his arms behind his head and tries to sleep despite the brewing storm outside. My mind wanders back to all the times his arms have comforted me during bad weather and all of the memories I have of making love with him in this very bed. I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry. And I might not but when I turn over to study our supply pile I catch site of the beautiful horses he carved for me our first year on the island and a mix of his shorts with my skirts and underwear. The tears begin to fall. I try to keep them hidden but inevitably I need to sniff and when I do he curls up behind me. His hands rub my back soothingly and his lips fall close to my ear.

“It’s ok Jen” he murmurs patiently. “It’s just a storm. It will pass.” I turn and he opens his arms to me but for once I refuse to take the easy way out. Without any rehearsed lines or pre-thought out plan I tell him the truth. “I’m not afraid of the storm Josh. I’m afraid I’ve lost you.” He pulls me close and plants a kiss in my hair. “Come on” he tells me. “I’m not going anywhere. I don’t think you could lose me if you wanted to, that’s the whole nature of this island thing. It looks like you’re stuck with me.” 

His words and his cavalier attitude with the bearing of my soul stir anger in my chest and I push out of his embrace. “Don’t” I tell him. “Stop acting like this. Stop pretending nothing has changed. Everything has changed. Stop acting like you not loving me anymore isn’t a big deal.” He sits up and holds his head in his hands. “I don’t know what you want from me” he says in a voice so forlorn that more tears begin to flow down my cheeks. “I’ve been a good friend for so long and I’ve tried hard to be a good boyfriend too. I listen to you. I comfort and protect you. I work my ass off every day to ensure you are provided for. Everything I have is yours, there isn’t anything we have that you don’t get the best of?”

I sit and pull the blankets over my shoulders bringing my knees up and wrapping my arms around them. “I know you didn’t stop caring about me” I acknowledge. “But you stopped whispering in my ear when we screw off. You don’t tease like you used to. I can’t tell what you’re thinking anymore because you don’t meet my eyes and you don’t play with me. You don’t think I know the difference? I saw the moment that light went out in your eyes. You aren’t you anymore and I miss you so much. When you aren’t Joshy then I’m not Jen and we aren’t us and it’s killing me inside every second of every day.”

He stares at the blanket and pulls out a fraying thread. “I’m sorry” he apologizes. “I just can’t do it anymore. I’m not strong enough and it hurts way too much. I thought I could and then I really thought things had changed and when I found out they hadn’t I just couldn’t handle it. I’ll always be your best friend and I’ll always take care of you, but I can’t go back to the way things were. 

I grit my teeth and feel like shouting at him. “Stop talking above my head Josh!” I demand. “What do you mean you can’t go back to the way things were? How can it be too painful to be yourself?” He sighs and bites his bottom lip before continuing. “No, it’s too painful to be so vulnerable all the time. I can’t love you like I do and keep thinking you feel the same way when you don’t. I know it’s not your fault that we are stuck here and that you need me and I’ll give you whatever you want but I can’t believe that it’s real when it’s not. If I fall down that rabbit whole again there isn’t going to be much left of me to rescue.” 

“Oh my God” I groan. “I didn’t mean what I said. I was just so restless and depressed and moody and I let this place get the better of me. Why can’t you forgive me?” He just shakes his head again. “I know what you said and I know what you meant” he says with finality. “How can you have known me this long and still know nothing about me?” I ask accusingly. I hold my own head and cry for a few more minutes before a thought occurs to me. I had been wondering for weeks how he could have read me so wrong that night. Maybe it goes back a lot farther than that. 

“Tell me how you fell in love with Claudia?” I ask. He lets out a frustrated breath and presses his forehead in his palms again. “Jennifer” he mumbles losing his patience. “I want to know” I assert. “I was your best friend and you never even told me, I had to find out from someone else. I want to know how it happened. If we are already ruined it can’t hurt to tell me now.” He considers it another minute before answering. “We met at a party before the filming for Escobar even started and she was this beautiful sophisticated woman. She was from Spain and she was high class you know, cultured and everything about her was so different than me that getting to know her was exciting and interesting.”

He looks at me to see if I want him to stop but I give him a nod to continue. “She was really receptive to my flirtations and it was flattering that she always took me seriously. I asked her out and we went on some dates and it was just perfect. She liked to talk about art and world events and we had a great time together. I kissed her and she melted in my arms. She was supportive of my career, appreciated my intellect, respected my decisions, and was really proud to be my girlfriend.” The picture he paints is exactly the one I always saw from the outside with envy. “How was the sex?” I ask because I apparently have an affinity for self-hatred. “It was good” he answers almost apologetically.

“Were you going to marry her?” I ask. He returns his eyes to the floor. “Probably not” he responds. “At least not any time soon.” “Why not?” I counter with more than a little resentment. “She made you feel great about yourself and was thrilled to meet all of your needs. Sounds like the perfect woman.” He snorts and his head sinks even lower so that his hands fall to the base of his skull and try to rub out the tension there. “She was” he admits. “That’s just the thing. She was the woman I had been looking for my whole life. But I’d already met the girl I never could have imagined I’d find and I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

“That’s not fair” I insist. “I never did anything to ruin your relationship with her.” He takes my hand and brings the back of it to his face. “I know” he agrees. “It’s never been your fault that I can’t hold you and not wish that you could see me differently.” I turn my hand to cup his cheek and stroke it lightly. “And how do I see you?” I ask, my voice reduced to almost a whisper by the constricting of my throat. The pain is in his eyes again. I was so overwhelmed and so focused on my own survival when we met and Josh always seemed so self-assured and confident when we worked together. I never thought about what he might need me to make him feel. Stupid, selfish, ridiculous girl. No wonder he fell for Claudia. She was a mature woman who knew how to nurture and grow a man’s love and desire for her. I was still a scared little girl fumbling with my own emotions and crying when I didn’t get my way. 

“You thought I was adorable” he says in a voice that makes it sound like the worst thing in the world. “I was the other kid from Kentucky that was in the teen movie with you and you weren’t sure you wanted to grow up completely yet and I was fun to hang with. We had a lot of really good times too and we got so close. I was a safe place to fall, the guy who loved you so much that I would always be there as a backup whenever you needed me. But when you did feel like being a grown up, I didn’t fit into your world. You had Dior contracts and phone calls coming from the best directors in the world for the most sought after parts. You were gorgeous and brilliant and I was the friend you could go to when that life got to be too much. You were so far ahead of me that I was safe. I was never going to be a threat to guys like Nick or Chris. Romance was something you had with men who were dashing and mysterious. I was Joshy, your reliable buddy who always made you feel comfortable because I was still a boy.”

Even as I shake my head and sadness fills me I know that some of his words are true. The overall message he drew from them was a horrible lie but there was enough reality mixed in for him to have accepted it. “Do you know how hard it was?” he asks with a grimace. “You treating me like an annoying kid onset to impress Sam and Jenna and then climbing in my bed later that night to hold me and talk about the day? As much as I didn’t want to be, I was still pretty young Jen and it was really confusing. Not to mention all of the flirting during interviews, only to tell the press that you weren’t interested in me as anything more than a pal.” It’s a wonder he didn’t grow to hate me. I did treat him carelessly during my efforts to impress others because I took his loyalty for granted. 

“I was awful to you” I say more to myself than to him. “I didn’t mean to hurt you like that and I honestly didn’t even know you thought I saw you that way until right now. I guess that shows just how self-centered I am. So why were you still thinking about me even after all that?” It’s not a set up. I genuinely want to know how his affections survived so many mixed messages . Being jerked around like that would have scared me away a long time ago. 

“I don’t know how to explain it exactly” he says. This time, I take his hand and bring it to my mouth and kiss it. “Wow” I tease. “I really must be something if the great Josh Hutcherson can’t find the words.” He smiles back but it is strained and he looks away before he continues. “It’s like you make everything bigger, more real, more significant. Like the rest of my life has been captured on 35mm film and everything with you on IMAX. When we are together I dream bigger, I want more, I’m crazier definitely, but I’m also more alive and more me. My senses are attune to you in a way that I can’t experience with anyone else, hell, I can’t even describe to anyone else. I know when you are struggling, I feel your pain. But I’m also overwhelmed with your joy and your laughter. I can’t turn it off so it’s pointless to hold another woman but feel your emotions pulsing through my veins and have your thoughts on my mind. And when we started kissing and loving each other physically the connection was so powerful. I’ve been with enough women to know I can’t have it outside of this thing with you.”

I feel like he has been reading my mental journal and describing much more eloquently than I can every thought and feeling I have about being with him. “Do you remember our first storm together?” I ask him. His eye brow lifts and I know he is thinking “What the hell?” but because he loves me just decides to go with it. “No” he answers and his voice is laced with a mix of humor and curiosity on where this Jennifer train is headed. “We were in our trailer in North Carolina” I recall. “You know, the one with the dog door.” The sadness that has been weighing him down begins to ebb and his shoulders lift. When we filmed the first movie Gary was all about us bonding and working on our chemistry until we wanted to spend 24 hours a day together and then it started to worry him. I think he knew we had a long filming schedule ahead and didn’t want us to get sick of each other. He started to harp on me about giving Josh his space so I used an exacto knife to cut a hole in the paper thin wall that divided our trailer and hung blankets on our walls to hide it. At the end of the day we both went back into our own rooms and no one was any wiser. 

“We’d only been in the woods a few days and I was already so homesick and then that storm came and all the thunder and howling wind scared the life out of me. I can still remember how shaky my legs felt when I walked in the darkness and crawled through the wall to your room. I knew you weren’t sleeping because I know your breathing patterns like my own. I felt so safe in your arms that night and your hand in my hair felt like heaven. I craved the safety of your presence. Even when we would travel and you would stay out all night at clubs I would still sneak in your room and steal your clothes to sleep in so your scent could sooth me and I could rest. “

He is still staring off into space so I speak his name because I want him to look at me. I want him to really hear me. “I hurt Liam because I still wanted to sleep with you even when I was supposed to giving him a chance. Nick and I fought all the time because I would wake in the middle of the night and cry for you. No one could ever make me feel safe like you. It’s not because you are familiar or non-threatening. It’s because I’ve always known how strong you are. When I’m in your arms I can relax. You would never let anyone hurt me. You’re smart enough to solve any problem. You’re charming and articulate enough to handle any media outlet or gotcha interviewer. You are patient enough to listen to all my problems. You’re wise enough to navigate every big challenge we’ve faced and your character is so good that you never disappoint me. You got me through everything. You were my hero.”

He looks doubtful, but he is listening and his eyes are no longer empty. They have that spark in them that belongs to me. “I know you don’t remember the first time we met so I won’t ask you that” I complain. “We were at a party. I knew you from your work and from talking to some of the other girls. I saw you on the dance floor and you were so cute. I was wearing a white dress and I went to the bathroom and checked my hair and makeup before I introduced myself. You were very polite and gave me your full attention and it was very flattering because you were a star with lots of success already under your belt and I was a nobody. I was a minor character on a crappy tv show. I was super excited and I thought about you a lot until I ran into you again and you clearly didn’t remember me. That was the time I was wearing the pink dress” I say with exasperation. 

“I know you remember the first time we kissed” I continue. He swallows and nods. The first few weeks of working together we were both super flirty. One night we were hanging out watching movies in my room and I told him that I thought it would be weird kissing in front of the whole crew since we had spent so much time together. He agreed and suggested that maybe we should practice. We held each other on the couch and completely made out. We didn’t just practice the little pecks we would need for the first film or even the longer more drawn out beach scene. We frenched each other and let our hands roam free until we were both desperate and panting. At the end of the night neither of us knew what to do. I was dating Nick and we were doing the movie and everything seemed complicated and we were both scared. We said goodnight, went to our separate beds and played with ourselves to relieve the excitement and never spoke about it again. Even to this day it is like a taboo subject that I have never brought up with him. 

“Your lower lip is fuller than the other” I tell him my voice wavering a little. “For years I could remember what it felt like when I sucked it into my mouth. You tasted so good and my breasts ached for your touch. You asked me a while ago when I first touched myself and thought of you. You didn’t ask me how much I did it when we were friends. I loved Nick and I never cheated on him. But sometimes it was your lips I needed to think of when he kissed me and your mouth that needed to be on my body for me to orgasm. I’m not proud of it but I guess there are some things you just have to be true about.”

I take his face in my hands and give him a long slow kiss. “Do those sound like the memories of a girl who couldn’t think of you as her boyfriend?” I ask him. His beautiful eyes shine as he shakes his head again. “You said that I saw you as a boy and you’re right about that” I go on. “You were a boy Josh. A strong, kind, beautiful, loving boy and I was a girl. I still am. A girl who is scared to lose the boy who makes everything wonderful. I’m not that mature but I’m working on it and I’ve really grown out here. Taking care of each other and proving that we can build a life on our own has changed me and given me new perspective. 

I know I said I wanted to have a baby with you because I couldn’t really choose someone else and I said it on purpose. But I didn’t say it because it was true. I said it because you hurt me so much. I’ve begged and pleaded with you to make love to me and you have always said no. I realize that you have your reasons but I felt really rejected by that. I feel like I love you with everything that I have but you aren’t as passionate about me. I also feel pain and regret inside of me every day because other men have had me in a way you haven’t and that isn’t right. I can’t feel alright about myself because it is just so wrong. I said that to hurt you because I wanted you to feel the pain that I was going through. It was petty and little of me and I’m so sorry. I never imagined that you would take it to mean that I’m not madly in love with you. That is the only thing I am sure about. 

It’s also very difficult for me to accept that you may never be willing to have a child with me unless we are rescued. That was confusing to me and made me doubt your level of commitment which I realize now is silly and unfair. I don’t need you to say yes today. I just need to know that you are open to discussing it again down the road. I can’t help but want little Hutcherson babies. It’s what women do when we fall in love and I really want to have a family. I want to feel our baby move inside of me and nurse it with my own body. You are such a great man. I want you to live past this lifetime and pass everything that is so wonderful on. “

He is smiling and pulls me close and gives me a breath stealing and panty soaking kiss. Thank God! I think I have finally gotten through to him. I pull back and look into his eyes. “You believe me?” I seek to confirm. “Yes” he tells me before another kiss. “You are only eloquent when you are telling the truth and speaking from your heart. All of your rehearsed speeches suck.” I laugh and collapse against his chest in relief. “Josh?” I question. “Could you ever be with anyone else and it really be a full life?” I can feel the shake of his head before he even whispers “no” into my ear. I prop myself up on my elbows to look down at him. “Marry me” I tell him earnestly. “What?” he asks startled. “Like when we get back?” I’m grinning ear to ear even as I shake my head. “No, here soon Josh. Marry me. I want to be your wife. I’m sure of it and I’m sure about forever whether we get rescued tomorrow or in five years or twenty or never. We both tried so hard to stop this to protect ourselves and we were such idiots. There’s no use…us is too powerful, too good, too better than what we could have on our own or with anyone else. We spent years being Peeta and Katniss and never learned a damn thing from it. You can’t hold the love of your life at a distance and save yourself from risking everything. If you lose them it will destroy you anyway. I’m already so vulnerable it’s terrifying. If I have to take that chance I want all the good that comes with it too.”

He doesn’t answer me. He doesn’t need to. I can see the possession in his eyes and feel the power of his love in his hands as he moves me to straddle his lap. He kisses me deeply and lets me suck his lower lip into my mouth like I have craved so often. His tongue dances with mine and his hands find and knead my waiting breasts. I moan into his mouth as his hands travel my body leaving excitement and trembling in their wake. Thunder continues to crash all around us and the winds and rain beat against the shelter walls but it is nothing compared to the passion raging between the bodies and hearts taking refuge within. 

Every time our mouths break apart for air he pulls me back for more. My lips are fully marked as his and used to the point of near pain when he finally lays back and pulls me on top of him. “Jennifer” he groans. “Shit, God, we need to be together baby.” His words are desperate and filled with longing that mirrors my own. His erection is straining and his face is full of tortured love as he lifts my hips and sheathes himself in me for the first time. My eyes roll back in my head with pleasure and relief. I sit back so that he fills me clear to my back wall and contract my muscles to squeeze him. He groans his pleasure, clearly enjoying my female grip and I begin to move. I lift up completely and give him two long strokes. The feeling of him moving inside of my core is exciting but also deeply meaningful. I’m going to be his wife and he is going to be my husband. I rock back again so that I can enjoy the fullness and the depth of his penetration when I find myself being lifted off of him and tossed aside. 

His eyes are closed in euphoria and then wide with panic as he shutters and warns me. “Holy shit Jen, I can’t. As I land by his side he grunts and spurts cum across his belly. When my mind catches up with what just happened I start grinning like a crazy woman and I can’t help it but start to laugh. His arm is thrown over his face in humiliation and I try to stifle my giggling to help him retain some semblance of pride but I eventually give up and just grin from ear to ear and keep trying to kiss his face and neck while he repeatedly pushes me away. “Stop baby” I tell him. “I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing because I’m happy.” And it’s true. Joy keeps bubbling up from within and I just can’t contain myself (much like Josh apparently). 

“Yeah right” he groans, this time in embarrassment rather than in bliss. “I’m sure you are thrilled to be marooned here with a premature ejaculator. I’ve dreamed about that so many times and then I was looking at you and feeling you and the real thing was so overwhelming and I just couldn’t help it.” He is so hard on himself but he really doesn’t get it at all. “It was perfect” I tell him and he looks at me like I’m either crazy or a complete liar. “I mean it might be an issue if it happened every time but it won’t. It was perfect for us, for our first time to be a little bit of a disaster. I’ll certainly always remember it and it’s actually really flattering. Here I’ve been wondering for years if you are attracted enough to me and you think I’m so hot that you can’t control yourself. You actually do think that I’m sexy as hell. Besides, I know you and you’ll be hard again in a few minutes and we can try it again. You’ll last longer the second time.” As I speak I wipe his stomach off and start to trail my other hand up to cup his sac. “And the third time” I continue. “And the fourth time…” 

My intuition is right on and after assuring him that I am in the complete wrong part of my cycle to get pregnant he fucks me thoroughly and for most of the night. By the morning my core feels deliciously sore and I’ve discovered that he can make me orgasm in 6 different positions that we know of so far. “We need to eat” he tells me in the morning. The rain is still coming down and we have no way to cook but we sit on the bed Indian style and completely naked and eat fruit and raw cassava and joke around about our ill-fated first encounter that was the better part of a decade in the making. I reach out and take his hand. “This is what I need Josh” I tell him happily. “To know that things can go wrong and we can have misunderstandings and that they won’t get the best of us. I need you to trust me and trust that I’ll love you no matter what.” He nods and gives my hand a quick kiss. “So when are you going to start to bore me with wedding plans?” He asks. That’s my Joshy. “As soon as this storm lets up. You better get your checkbook out though” I warn him. “The guest list is huge.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So for all of you who were super sad at the end of the last chapter this one should have done a lot to heal your heart. Jennifer definitely discovered that this relationship is more complicated than she ever thought. I personally love that their first time wasn't picture perfect because that just isn't these two people but I would welcome your feedback on that story element as several of you have asked if they were ever really going to actually do the deed. Here is your answer: Yes, but in true Joshifer style it is more comical and loving than elegant. Also, should two people who come together under extreme circumstances get married? And one of the big questions I had to tackle: If you are stranded on an island what do you actually do for a wedding?


	16. No Going Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer and Josh clean up after the storm and prepare for the big day. When it arrives they are really nervous and excited. It is definitely a day to remember.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, like Han Solo I hate long waits so the engagement is a short one. This chapter is mostly romantic fluff with a good mix of silliness. When I originally mapped the story after about chapter 3 this was one I was really dreading because I thought it would be too cheesy or too boring. What do two people on an island by themselves do for a big celebration? However, this turned out to be one of the most fun to write and I am really happy with it all things considered. I even got to write wedding vows which I didn't even do for my own wedding. I hope you enjoy it, if you are a romantic at heart I think you will.

The initial storm is enormous and is followed by several smaller ones that cover the span of three days. We are running low on food but I refuse to let Josh leave the shelter. “Let’s just wait one more day and see if it passes” I argue. “And if you are going out there I’m going with you.” He capitulates and we spend another night in a tight space staring at each other like idiots because we can’t stop smiling and laughing. We get into a Hunger Games pun contest resulting in such comments as me batting my eye lashes and telling him that “I need Peeta to put a bun in my oven” or suggesting that we name our future children things like Haymitch Woody Hutcherson. “You still think that I’m big and you’re quick?” I question, bringing up an ancient argument between us over who is funnier. “I think I’m smart enough not to refer to my fiancé as “big” in any context” he answers. I give him a quick kiss for calling me his fiancé and stick my hand out to check the temperature of the rain. It’s cold but it could be worse. 

“Help me wash my hair?” I ask. “No” he sighs. “If we can’t go out for food I’m not letting you risk catching cold for your vanity.” I make a face at him. “Come on” I urge. “It’s been a few days and it is getting really bad.” He gives me the sexy smile that made him millions. “Hasn’t stopped me” he observes slipping his hand under my shirt again. “Listen you horn dog” I threaten him. “Just because you’d probably take me covered in poo if I let you doesn’t mean I still don’t have some standards.” I strip down and climb outside just long enough to drench my hair and body before ducking back in and closing the door. 

My limbs are quaking from the cold and he immediately wraps me in dry cloth. He rubs my arms and legs and then sits me on the bed and dries my hair. He pulls out one of his button up flannels and I gladly put my arms through the sleeves. When I turn back around he combs all of the tangles out of my wet hair with his fingers. I turn my head and kiss his cheek. “This is why I’m marrying you” I inform him. “Because I am a fantastic human brush?” he asks. I give him half a hug as we sit on our bed and bury my nose in his neck. “Because you care enough to take care of me and you don’t mind being hands on” I say softly. 

When I pull back he gives me his “aw shucks” expression and shrugs his shoulders. “So when were you thinking for this whole getting married thing and what do you actually want to do?” he asks. I put my hand on my hip. “What makes you think I have some big plan hun?” I ask him. His lips form a thin line and he bounces his head a little and tells me. “The history of my entire adult life with you and before definitely inform me that you will have a plan of exactly what you want Miss Lawrence and exactly what part you want me to play in it.” 

“I don’t have an exact plan” I counter. “But I was thinking it will take a few days to clean up from the storm and then we can get ready. Nothing fancy obviously. At first I thought my best dress your best suit but I had this dream the other night that we did it in our island clothes and it was so much sexier and that’s how I think we will want to remember each other and this time of our lives. So, best board shorts you still own and maybe a white skirt and bra for me. Unfortunately, we can’t have special food, Blah! But I’ve already started writing my vows so you better get thinking because you need to majorly outshine that shitty wedding toast attempt from Co Star connections. Yeah, that’s right. Don’t think I’ve forgotten that shit. I just don’t know where we should do it. Not at camp, it reminds me too much of crappy food. I can’t decide between down by the beach by our rock which is super picturesque or at the crash site which feels more significant and religious. I guess then we would still have people at our wedding but it also might make me too sad and I don’t want to give you snotty kisses again. 

He is smiling because I am rambling and because he was 100% right that I have been doing nothing but plan in my head since, well since longer than I dare admit to him right now. “It’s going to be weird for everyone when we get back” he says thoughtfully. “How different things are between us; that we would be married and everything.” I scrunch my nose and give my shoulders a little shrug. “I don’t think they’ll be that surprised at least some of them won’t.” He looks uncertain. “My parents have been asking about us for years and Jenna caught me crying right after Sam told us about you and Claudia.” 

I laugh a little at the memory. “You know what she said to me? She came to my room to get me for dinner and because it’s her she just barged right in and I was laying on my bed sobbing. She put a hand on my shoulder and advised: “This is fixable. The next time you have one of your little sleepovers just take off your clothes before you climb into his Ninja Turtle sleeping bag and tell him YOU love him and not like a fucking sister. I guarantee you’ll both have smiles on your faces the next morning and Miss Escobar will be history.” I never realized she was so full of wisdom until now.

Josh’s face is actually turning red at the suggestions of our mutual friend. “Ninja Turtle sleeping bag insult” he says with a smile. “I really miss Jenna. Whenever you were in a pissy mood she would tell me to do us all a favor and just bend you over your vanity and give Katniss some of the Peeta she’s been asking for. I tried to tell her it wasn’t like that between us and she would say things like: “That’s the whole problem Hutcherson. You two won’t just fuck each other like normal people.” 

We spend the rest of the afternoon listening to the winds start to die down and the rain drops slow. We swap stories about Jenna’s constant inappropriate but hilarious attempts to get us together and just generally be lazy. We hand feed each other the rest of the food taking turns laying our heads in each other’s laps. He strokes my hair and scratches behind my ear and I tell him I feel like a cat so he pulls some string out of one of the blankets and dangles it in front of me while I bat it around with my “paws”. It is exactly the kind of day we used to have all the time and I fall asleep that night with my head on his shoulder and a smile on my face. 

The storm destroys everything that wasn’t in the shelter and the wedding plans go on hold while we harvest more wood to rebuild our furniture. We also lost crops that need to be replanted. Despite the setbacks, we both work with renewed energy because for once we have something to look forward to. Josh asks if I want to make our bed bigger or just repair the frame from the last one and I am adamant that I want to keep the original. I like being close to him and I have sentimental feelings about the wooden frame that has been supporting our cuddling bodies through good times and bad over the past 3 years. He agrees and we salvage as much of the original material as possible although we decide it is easier to start over on our table.

It takes several weeks to replant a large section of the garden and restore camp to order, but despite the exhaustion of the day we still enjoy each other’s bodies nearly every night. After our initial bouts of “shelter sex” Josh is more careful. He always pulls out and only penetrates me once a day so that excess sperm won’t be left from the last ejaculation. He starts a system for marking my periods on the calendar along with the marks that represent our days living here. We try to avoid vaginal intercourse at times I could be fertile. I am pleased with the compromise but I can tell he remains uneasy about the risk. He starts brining me flowers again and I reward him when he finds extra beautiful ones by giving him more of his favorite position. He loves it when I ride him because he can see my whole body and because he loves watching my tits bounce. I noticed him staring at them when he was still a teenager and we would go running together and he still isn’t over the fixation. I prefer being taken from behind because it gives him the best angle to hit my sweet spot and because I like it hard and his hands gripping my hips when he thrusts is an unreasonably strong turn on. 

When we feel like the food supply has stabilized I tell him that I am ready. “Tomorrow” I say giving him a long kiss when we return with a good haul of fish. I had already picked out clothes for us and we agreed to saying our vows on the beach and then going for a romantic swim before visiting the crash site to dance and share our good news with the others. The only hitch we had in the planning was that I wanted to say our vows over the Bible we found from the wreck and he didn’t. I come from a more religious background than Josh and I feel that God has protected us here and answered my desperate prayers when we were sick or injured. He believes there is a God but is still working through exactly what he thinks about him. In the end, I told him that it was important to me and important to my family and he agreed that we would swear over it in the absence of a minister and that I was free to include God in my vows even if he decided not to. 

Our wedding day dawns hot and gorgeous and Josh can barely contain his excitement as he eats breakfast. My leg is bouncing a mile a minute as I watch him. I myself decide to skip it afraid that my nerves will bring it back up at an inconvenient time later in the day. His hand falls to my knee and squeezes. “There’s nothing to be nervous about honey” he tells me. “In case you haven’t noticed it’s just me. I’m really excited too but please try to enjoy it. You’re going to be my wife in like an hour.” I try to let his words calm me but pretty soon I am pacing back and forth and talking to myself. I could really use one of my anxiety pills right now.

Josh comes over and holds me and brings my face down to its familiar place in the crook of his neck. “Take some deep breaths” he soothes and I take a few moments to inhale his unique masculine scent. “All we are going to do today is make promises to each other” he continues. “Promises we both mean and have already been keeping for a while. After today we are always going to be together and then we are going to go swimming and have fun together the rest of the afternoon. Tonight we’ll come back to camp and I’m going to make love to you as my wife and tell you how much you mean to me and how I can’t imagine a life without you. Does all of that sound good?” His description of a fun day hanging out calms me and my stomach settles as we walk hand in hand to our sun bathing rock. 

The day is bright and the ocean huge and majestic as we join hands over the Bible. Josh built a stand just for the occasion and I appreciate the gesture given that its inclusion was my idea. He looks incredibly handsome. His hair is lighter than I have ever seen it from being bleached by the sun and it is long and hangs past his eyes when he doesn’t have it pushed back like today. His body is trim and muscular and his hands are rough with work. His whole body is deeply tanned, his stomach has been worked into perfect abs and the v line that has always driven me wild is even more defined. Put simply, this rough life has turned my best friend into some delicious man candy that’s about to be mine forever. 

He insisted that I should go first since I am the lady (which I laughed in his face about). Memorizing lines has never been my strength. My heart is pounding so fast and my breathing is shallow and quick. For a moment I think I might pass out but his hands squeeze mine tighter and our eyes meet and he gives me a cheesy wink that brings some levity to the situation. I consciously relax and pull my lower lip out of my mouth where I have been biting it. “Screw the rehearsed lines” he says to break the tension. “Tell me what you are thinking beautiful. Just give me the promises that are in your heart and express the devotion you’ve already shown through all of your actions.” 

Well you can’t be that eloquent if you want to just chill out and wing it. But my mind is blank, my panties are wet, and my chest feels like it is going to explode with excitement. “I love you Joshy” I start. “I promise to you and to God that I will be yours forever. I will never love another man and will never let another have me. I will put your interests first and always try to make you happy. I will play with you every day and try to help you be a better person. I will grow old giving everything I can to make our bond stronger. I will give you my body whenever you want me and will do my best to satisfy all of your desires. If we can, I will have your babies and I will be a good mother and raise them with all of the care and devotion you have shown me. You are the most important person in the world to me and since there is no one here to ask me… I do.”

There are tears in his eyes and his hands are shaking by the time I finish. The smile has disappeared from his face and his expression is earnest as he clears his throat to begin. “Jennifer, you are the love of my life and the sum of all my desires. No one has ever loved me as exquisitely as you and I’m eternally grateful that I have a friend like you. You are the perfect woman for me and I never thought I would be able to call you my wife but it is every fantasy come true and the greatest honor of my life. I promise to always love and protect you. I promise to spend the rest of my life working side by side with you to make all of our dreams come true. I will never desire another woman and I will devote myself solely to your pleasure and fulfillment. I will never betray you and will always keep your trust. If possible, I promise to give you the baby you want so badly and it will be the greatest joy I have ever had to raise our child up in our love together. Being one with you is a more amazing outcome than I ever imagined my life could offer. Before you and before God I take you as my wife and give myself as your husband.”

I do have tears on my face by the time he is finished so he smiles at me and adds “Fantastic so it’s time to kiss my bride.” He moves quickly to cup my face and kisses me sweetly. I’m not about to let him get away with that though and my hands bring him back to me so that I can suck on that sexy lower lip and slide my tongue into his mouth. We make out for a few minutes because what the hell is the point of a private wedding if you can’t get a little tongue? When we finally do break apart we are both smiling and he takes my hand and walks me down to the beach before untying his shorts and pulling them down just far enough to reveal the tops of his boxer briefs. His eyes are full of mischief and I am pretty sure I know what he has in mind. 

“So I was thinking” he tells me. “You didn’t get to have a bachelorette party and it’s only fair for a girl to get a cute stripper when she gets married.” As he finishes his hand slides into his shorts and he strokes it a few times until his shorts are completely tented. Oh my God, he is actually going to do this? “Besides” he adds “I think I owe you a strip tease on this beach.” I think back to that night so long ago when I surprised him with my naked body in an attempt to get him to have sex with me. I don’t have too long to dwell on it though because soon he is dancing for me and pulling those shorts lower and lower. I might laugh my head off except that his rhythm is great and his body is turning me into a raging inferno as he dips his hand into the ocean to wet his chest and abs. When he gets his shorts off he circles them in the air above his head before tossing them back on the shore which does make me laugh. 

My giggles last until he dances up on me and rubs his junk against my ass. It feels fantastic and he pulls my skirt off and sends it along with my bra to join his shorts. We float in the water for hours; my legs wrapped around his waist and my lips constantly seeking his along with all of the sensitive places along his neck and shoulders I know to bite and lick. We talk, cuddle, and suck face until he begins to worry about me burning and carries me in. All of that caressing and grinding do not progress farther though. We are both working the other up intentionally so that we can have an explosive encounter tonight. 

We take a picnic meal down to the crash site where we eat leisurely and share our happiness with the only other inhabitants of the island: the memories of our friends. “Hey Woody” Josh says. “You’d be really proud of me. I finally got the woman of my dreams.” I smile sadly as he puts his arm around me and I lean on him for the strength to express myself to those who meant so much to both of us. “We love you and miss you Liam. I know that you would be really happy for us and I just wish we could have gone to your wedding too. We won’t ever forget you and you’ll always be our best friend. I wish you were here right now to give me some words of wisdom Nina. You and Francis were always so amazing and supportive both on and off set and this is just another incredible thing that grew out of the Hunger Games family we created. You were like a father to me Woody and I know you would have been 100% comfortable with giving me away to this guy.” I cling to Josh’s arm as I finish and he takes it as an opening to segue into dancing. 

We rock in each other’s arms in what was once a tropical forest but which is now sacred ground. It was difficult taking this next step in my life without them but the overall state of our mood is happy. I am taller so I pull him forward to rest his head against my shoulder and I hum in his ear. It’s peaceful and necessary and I could care less that it would be an odd image to an outsider. This is our life and I wouldn’t trade with anyone. That realization surprises me. My career was on the fast track when the plane went down and I had a ton going for me but I definitely could not have said that about my personal life. 

We had planned to go back to camp but Josh surprises me by leading me to a small sandy spot just beyond the shore. He has a blanket laid out and a small campfire that he has going in a few minutes. I’m twirling a piece of hair around my finger in anticipation when he jumps up and tells me that he’ll be right back. I watch the flickering firelight and marvel at his thoughtfulness. I never thought I was in to the whole romance scene until he started bringing me flowers and making me gifts. He returns a few minutes later with two large tostones (crispy hard pan fried plantain cakes). At first I think he’s just brought us a snack until he holds his close to the flames. 

“Are you serious?” I ask him. He grins at me confidently. “Completely” he answers. “Look, I know it’s corny but it feels right doesn’t it? It feels like us?” I smile back and watch with wonder as my own cake darkens in the flame. And I do feel something special when he lifts his to my lips and I take a bite. I offer him mine and he eats as well. We can’t stop staring after that and our gaze never breaks as we shed our clothes and fall to the blanket. 

For once, we don’t say anything. His hands skim over my body and the flames seem to dance on my skin. After his hands have thoroughly worshiped me his mouth travels in their wake. I watch as his kisses fall on my wrists, breasts and belly. His tongue massages my clit which is already swollen and aching. It feels almost unreal as I look at the curtain of stars and feel it exploring my folds until it settles on its task and brings me my first fountain of ecstasy. I try to get him in my mouth but he holds my wrists firmly over my head. We’ve found that being restrained actually makes me feel safe and increases my enjoyment when I do this with him. 

He does let me suck on his earlobe and the column of his throat and soon his warm breaths are coming faster as he pants with anticipation. The silence ends when he enters me. We both call out each other’s names and I wrap my legs around his waist to keep him from moving too fast. He steadies himself on his elbows so that he can look at my face and I’ve never felt so close to another human being. We know each other completely; there are no lies and no games anymore. He is inside of my body and my heart and he promised today to stay there forever. 

When he begins to thrust I moan and arch my back to meet him with every stroke. God, it feels incredible. “Josh” I call out when he hits a particularly sensitive spot. My voice is his greatest aphrodisiac so while I revel in the friction of his cock on my internal walls I use it to urge him on. “Yes baby” I practically scream. “Show me how much you want it. Fuck me, fuck your wife.” My own words are my undoing and I climax again almost violently. I grip him tightly and bury my face in his neck while my walls flutter around him and he takes me through the last vestiges of my orgasm before pulling out to spill on my stomach. I hate that he can’t finish inside of me but I love watching his cum shoot out and treasure the feeling of intimacy it gives me to see it on my skin. It’s been a long day and I fall asleep in his arms almost immediately. When I wake in the morning, I’ll do so as Mrs. Joshua Ryan Hutcherson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I hope you enjoyed this little ball of love. Please leave me a comment if you did. If you thought it was ridiculous and rough feel free to leave me a comment too. My favorite part was how excited and nervous they were and it was just the two of them like it had been for the whole 3 years. I thought that was super cute. It was also a pretty creative wedding chapter given what I had to work with. If you are following along and commenting let me know what your favorite part was.


	17. A New Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer and Josh forge a new life as a married couple and all is going well until they face yet another bend in the road.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we are all feeling warm and fuzzy after the last chapter. This one continues along the same lines but this happy little couple is about to reap what they've sown, literally. As always, just a work of fiction for entertainment purposes. Thanks to everyone who is following this story. Please take a moment to share a comment with me as I am still writing this story and it has been influenced by the input of readers and will continue to be so.

Our marriage is a happy one. We have mostly adjusted to the heat and by the start of year 4 I don’t even notice our lack of modern conveniences any more. We continue acting together and have accumulated quite a number of props and taught each other dozens of scripts. One thing I really like about exploring roles outside of the system is our freedom to take on any character. I try out some male roles and even a few child ones. Josh is really interested in exploring some villains which is something he would never actually be given the chance to do with his charming nature and adorable baby face. But it’s fun and by playing off each other and being willing to accept feedback we have both grown as performers despite the extremely limited audience. 

“What do you want to play if we make it back?” I ask him. “I want to try being lead in a super hero movie if they’ll let me” he admits. “I guess it depends on how old we are then but I think it would be awesome.” That’s the difference a year of growth makes. That’s what he’s always wanted but he would never lay it out like that because they’ve told him no so many times due to his height and screen presence. He’s comfortable telling me things now and I’m glad. “How about you?” he asks. “I don’t know” I say. “Like you said it will depend on how old we are but after all this crazy shit I think I’d like to do a comedy and make people laugh. I know I’m good with heavy material but I don’t just want to play to that strength. Being here, loving you has shown me that I’m capable of more and hopefully I’ll get to explore it at some point.” 

I throw a shell as far as I can into the water and hand one to Josh. His sails well past mine and he gives me an arrogant look so I punch his shoulder. “Acting definitely won’t be first on my agenda if we get back though” he tells me. “Duh” I reply. “Ordering some take out and drinking a 2 liter of cola will be the first thing, unless it is breakfast time and then it will be more like a dozen Krispy Cream Donuts and some cinnamon rolls and then a couple hours later the take out.” We spend a few more minutes debating what foods we would get and what obscene amounts we might consume before he returns the conversation to a more serious footing. 

“It will be interesting to catch up with Connor. He was still so young when we left I bet he is a whole new man now. He probably just finished his degree. By the time I see him again he might be married with a family of his own.” I squeeze his hand. It has been really hard for him to miss this time with his only sibling. “I understand” I assure him. “My nephews aren’t even going to know me. They will be one of my first stops along with hugging my mom for at least an hour and filing for a marriage license.” His expression reflects surprise and I know it is not from my desire to reunite with my family. “I want to get everything squared away from a legal perspective before issuing a formal press release about our relationship” I explain. “There is going to be a shit ton of rumors and misinformation out there and I want to be able to take a simple and united front that we are a happily married couple.” 

 

“Will you change your name?” he asks. “Of course” I respond immediately. “You’re not going to hyphenate it or anything?” he asks in a tone that makes me think that maybe I should consider it. “No” I tell him. “I thought maybe if we have kids I might make Lawrence one of their middle names but I definitely want to be Jennifer Hutcherson.” He still looks dubious. “I appreciate that and I understand wanting to take my name personally but professionally it might be more of an issue. You’ve already made Jennifer Lawrence into a household name and it would definitely impact the J-Law thing.” His line of questioning irritates me. “Good” I counter “I hate that stupid nickname anyway. It makes me sound like a rap artist or a reality TV star and you know how much I love being a household name.” 

We continue walking and in a few minutes my initial irritation subsides. He has a point. As much as I don’t want my career to impact a big decision like that it is the reality of being famous. “Sorry” I let out on a sigh. “You’re right. If we get back I’ll have to schedule a meeting with my manager and publicist and maybe my lawyer and talk it over and make a decision. Right now I guess it really doesn’t matter anyway.” His expression hardens and he walks a little faster. When we get back to camp he is unusually quiet during and after dinner.

“What’s going on babe?” I insist. He tries to dismiss it as nothing but I’ve learned that we need to talk things out, we are not just let it go people. “I know this is about the name thing” I tell him. “I just don’t get why you are mad about it. I was totally willing to take your name until you tried to talk me out of it and now you’re acting like I kicked your puppy.” He bites his lower lip which is a huge tell that he is stressed. “It’s not that Jen” he says. “I am actually fine with whatever you decide. It’s just the way you talked about making the choice. I’m used to us making all of our decisions together but if we make it back it sounds like you would be making it with your team.” He’s totally right, that is exactly the mindset I reverted to. “I think it’s just a sign of how different we are now and how difficult it will be to return to our old lives” he finishes. 

The conversation sticks with me for weeks after but eventually fades. My life is too busy to concern myself with every eventuality. We expand the shelter to two rooms and give it better ventilation. Josh also makes an amazing earth brick stove so that we don’t burn as much firewood and breathe in less smoke. We both have specific skills and find that we enjoy teaching the other. I help him work on his tree climbing and he improves my diving skills significantly. We don’t go to the crash site much anymore but we do speak of our lost friends often as well as loved ones we may yet be reunited with. 

Our love life is just that: it’s our life. I used to think about dating and sex as this specific subset of my existence. It was something I did at scheduled times called dates and at these times I would spend an afternoon or evening with a guy that I was attracted to and cared for. We would share some activity like going to a party or having dinner and then we would kiss and have sex. It was a part of my life that if I didn’t keep up on I felt like a loser but it didn’t impact the rest of my day to day. 

Being married to Josh and being his wife is an essential part of who I am. I couldn’t separate it from being Jennifer if I wanted to. Being in love is a strong bond but being someone else’s only human companion multiplies it by a thousand. I’ve stopped asking myself if things are healthy because these aren’t healthy circumstances. We just do what feels natural and what meets our needs and helps us to thrive. We share each other’s bodies in one way or another pretty much every day. We’ve learned exactly what buttons to push to maximize pleasure and we have no fear of judgement from anyone because of our isolation. He shouts when he takes me and I scream in abandon when the sensations he stirs in me are too much. The moon is the only one who sees when he ties me to our bed and the stars are the only ones who know that I literally refuse to sleep until he tells me he loves me, promises never to leave, and holds me in his arms no matter how sweltering the temperature. 

Life on the island can be challenging but fortunately we’ve never been badly hurt and we haven’t been seriously ill in a long time. That’s why I begin to worry when I start throwing up. The first time Josh is away gathering firewood when I get out of bed and start making breakfast. I feel a little woozy but chalk it up to not drinking enough water before I went to bed last night. I am doing a pretty good job of holding it together when the smell of pan frying plantains reaches my nose. My stomach lurches violently and I barely make it to the edge of camp before dinner makes a second appearance all over the sand. I lay back down and when he returns I tell him I’m feeling a little off. I rest for a couple of hours and snap out of it so it isn’t a cause for concern, until it happens the next day. 

After a week of hiding things and pretending to be ok I tell Josh that I want to visit the crash site and have a little down time. He senses that I want to be alone so he walks me there and then makes some excuse about checking fruit trees and leaves me in peace. I sit on the ground with my head in my hands and cry. I thought I would be so happy but I’m terrified. There’s no denying it. I’ve vomited every morning for a week, I’m tired all the time, and my period is almost a month late. I’m surprised Josh hasn’t noticed but I’ve gone to lengths to hide it from him. How the hell am I going to tell him? He is going to freak out. I sob until there are no tears left.

When I am sufficiently drained I fall to the ground and my hand moves to my lurching belly. I try to fall asleep but the strangest thing happens. I begin to feel energy coming from under my palm. A smile forms on my face and I giggle at the mysterious miracle just below my fingers. Josh and I have a baby. A real person is growing inside of me and we made it loving each other. It’s a reality that is almost impossible to fathom. I close my eyes and tremble out a desperate prayer and waves of calm descend. With each passing moment things seem more feasible. It’s going to be ok. Josh will be upset at first, he worries about me and he will worry about our little one. But I’m carrying his child now and he will love this baby as much as I do. He’ll take care of us and we will be a family. 

My upbeat attitude lasts a few more days until I can no longer hold down solid foods. I’m really tired but aside from that I can function pretty much as normal as long as I don’t eat. I drink tons of water which keeps me moving but when I inevitably take a few bites it comes back with a vengeance. Josh thinks I’m sick. After a few days of taking only a few nibbles he insists that I eat dinner. I do my best but am soon bent over retching it on the ground. He holds my hair back and rubs my shoulder. “You’re pretty bad babe” he tells me and carries me to bed. His forehead is creased in thought as he checks my temperature with the back of his hand. “I just don’t know what it could be” he says in bewilderment. “No rash, no fever and you haven’t had any diarrhea. It’s just this damn vomiting. At least you can keep water down.” 

He paces our camp and guilt rises up within me. There’s no use lying to him. I’m pretty sure he’s going to notice soon anyway when I’m the size of an elephant. I call for him and he sits beside me and takes my hand. This would be a whole lot easier if he wasn’t looking at me like I hung the moon and the stars. I reach out and smooth his hair and he leans into my caress. “I’m pregnant” I say softly. He drops my hand and backs away so quickly that he stumbles over one of our chairs. “No” he denies. “You can’t be.” I just keep nodding my head as I watch panic take over the man who has been my anchor for nearly a decade. He looks around camp frantically and his eyes scan my body as if looking for evidence to prove my claim. He must not find what he is looking for because before I can say more he turns and runs. 

I give him a five minute head start while I wait for the dizziness which accompanies my nausea to pass. I have a feeling he hasn’t gone far. I find him leaning against a tree near our bathing rock having a total breakdown. He hasn’t really cried since the time I found him trying and failing to move pieces for our shelter when we first arrived and I have absolutely never seen him like this. He is alternating between sobbing into his hands and hyperventilating and his body looks like it is convulsing in pain. He has been through so much. I’ve watched him tackle red carpets with thousands of screaming fans and crushing expectations without batting an eye. He has never cracked under pain or pressure: not when critics gave him bad reviews, not when Phil overdosed, not when the plane crashed, not when he believed he was going to die, not when we feared that I would. 

I can’t stand to see him this way and I drop to my knees and hold him close. His face rests against my breasts and I run my fingers through his hair. He’s trying to speak through his hysteria but I can’t understand many of his words until he blurts out “I’ve killed you. I was supposed to take care of you. I was trusted to take care of you and I’ve killed you.” I bring my finger to his lips to shush him. “Darling” I sooth. “It’s ok love. We’re going to be ok. I’m strong, I’m ok.” I rock him in my arms until he is completely spent. When he falls asleep I return to camp and gather some blankets. Upon my return he is snoring so I roll him onto one and snuggle up against him. 

In the morning my back is against his chest and his lips find the side of my neck. I almost forget the previous night until I realize that we are sleeping in the sand by our rock. His hand is caressing my stomach and I am relieved that he is calm and relaxed. “I’m sorry I scared you” he whispers. “I’m just so afraid honey. There are so many things that can go wrong and I know it’s my fault. I wanted you to be mine so bad and if I’d have been more careful you wouldn’t be at risk right now. But I love you both like crazy and I’m going to take care of you and do whatever it takes to protect you.” 

I roll over and prop myself on one elbow but I bring his hand back to rest on my middle. “Listen” I warn. “There’s one thing you have to understand and that’s we made this baby together. I don’t recall saying no. I think it was something more like God baby yes, give it to me harder. I wanted that with you and I want this baby.” I throw my hands up in the air and whoop with excitement. “We’re going to have a baby!” I repeat over and over again. I’m smiling so wide my face hurts and I kiss him repeatedly. He holds me and whispers nonsense in my ear but when we break apart he seems happy. 

Our good mood does not settle my stomach however and I spend the better part of the day dry heaving and lying in bed. We experiment with different foods and preparations and find that I tolerate some better than others. I can’t eat plantains at all. That’s all I needed, an even further limited food choice. Its hit and miss but I start holding down a little more food every day. It isn’t fool proof though and sometimes things come up without prior warning. 

One morning we lay in bed just before dawn and it erupts out of me very unexpectedly and all over Josh’s bare back. I stare at the vile mess in shock for a moment wondering if I can clean it up before he awakens but instead I involuntarily open my mouth and do it again. I am frozen in shock and all I can manage is to say his name in a weak voice. “I know” he responds calmly and without moving. “I felt it.” After a few beats I realize that he probably isn’t mad and doesn’t seem all that disgusted either. “Do you think you’re done?” he asks quietly. “I…I don’t know” I get out. “Go sit by the water basin” he instructs, I’ve got this.”

I move in the first lights of morning and take our largest water container and place it on the table and sit in my chair beside it. My mind is still foggy but growing clearer with wakefulness as I watch him strip and remake our bed. He checks to make sure I’m ok and that I don’t need anything before grabbing the container and returning some time later with it full to the brim. That isn’t an easy haul and he wasn’t able to carry it completely full until the last year or so. I can’t help but smile at his increased strength and its implications. Hey, there’s a reason I got knocked up. He apologizes about the temperature as I remove my clothing and he uses my shorts as a rag while he scrubs the vomit from my arms and chest. He fetches me fresh underclothes and settles me back in bed and when I assure him that I’m fine he grabs the soiled linens and heads down to the beach. 

“Your daddy is the best” I whisper to my baby as my hand finds its now favorite place over my womb. I can’t imagine any guy I ever dated taking such good care of me before even taking the time to clean himself. I doze until his return and try to coax him back into bed with me. “Sorry babe” he tells me lightly. “But I’m starving. Is it going to bother you if I cook?” I shake my head because I think it has passed. I sit at the table with him and talk while he has breakfast and we speculate on how long the morning sickness will last. “Hopefully just a few more weeks” I tell him. “It usually goes away or gets a lot better after the first trimester.” He looks thoughtful and after a few minutes lets out a puff of air and shakes his head with a grin. “I knew I’d be cleaning up a lot of puke when I became a dad” he admits. “I just thought the baby would actually be here first.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well for those of you who were wondering if they would face an accidental pregnancy the answer is...YES. We also see Josh crack for the first time. He has been really strong up until this point and I think what finally causes the breakdown and the few words he says about it reveals a lot about his personality and how he processes the world he lives in. The vomit in the bed all over the husband tidbit at the end is a real story from my own life and my cutie husband was every bit as gracious as our hero here. It's tempting to focus on the obvious plot element that the pregnancy presents but this chapter is actually full of a lot of important content that is brief but pivotal to the changing nature of the characters and the story line. They express a couple concerns about the nature of their relationship and its future course and I hope that you did not miss them. I welcome feedback from you on those issues, the pregnancy or anything else that stood out to you. Wow, four years in and still going strong.


	18. A Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite the satisfying sex, Jen still struggles with self doubt about the changes pregnancy brings to her body. She knows she will need to have some work done on it if they ever get off the island and talk of future tummy tucks draws out a long overdue conversation about the relationship between her own inner dialogue and self conciseness and her public image as a gorgeous movie star. However, as the time of the birth draws near a few stretch marks seem like the least of her problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, this story is purely fictional and for entertainment purposes only. I hope you all enjoy this chapter as it was a long time coming. It really offers a lot of everything and is pretty jam packet with important conversations and events from beginning to end. It is clearly not the end of the story so please take time to share some feedback with me when you are finished. I would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter and any ideas you have for future ones.

The stars are gorgeous tonight and the air is cool for once as it drifts gently over my naked body. Josh’s lips return to my nipple and brush moisture over the taut bud ever so lightly. The nausea has disappeared along with most of the breast tenderness, but tonight my tits are aching for an entirely different reason. After withdrawing his mouth despite my whines of disapproval he blows across my areola. The wet tip cools considerably at this stimulation and constricts still further causing me to arch my back and push my chest into the air. The mixture of pleasure and pain is alluring and I beg him to stop which means I’m asking for more. “That’s right baby” he tells me in a husky voice. “Sing for me.” He returns to suckling and I tug his hair and whimper at the tender assault. 

He loves foreplay more than I do and I am a major beneficiary of this proclivity. A few strokes of him against my clit and I’m ready to be taken hard and fast. Josh likes to slow it down and enjoy. At first I romantically thought that this was solely for my benefit but what I’ve learned about my husband is that his sexual gratification comes from watching and manipulating mine. Oh, he likes to be serviced and enjoys finishing rough, but what he really gets off on is controlling my pleasure and dolling it out to me at his own discretion. And even if it means I have to experience multiple orgasms a coupling who am I to deny him that kind of a self-esteem booster? 

He flips me over and trails wet kisses down my spine and along my sides. My clit is throbbing badly but he knows that because I keep trying to rub it against anything to get the friction that my body needs. His kisses are sexy and teasing and his teeth find a sensitive spot just above my hip and give it a soft bite that shoots excitement straight to my core. He moves up and licks just behind ear. “Tell me what you want Jennifer” he whispers into my ear. He likes this too, likes to hear me tell him exactly what I want him to do to me. I wouldn’t normally and that makes it even more of a turn on. It’s a dirty tug of war that each of us win every time we play. 

“Fuck me” I gasp, pulsing with unrestrained want. “Are you sure?” He teases. “That’s all you want? For me to stick it in you and pump till I finish? You don’t want me to touch you anywhere else?” God Dammit, he’s right. I do want more than that but of all things I find it embarrassing to ask. At least that’s what I tell him and what I tell myself and part of me is shy about it. But another part quivers with excitement at the prospect of guiding him with my words, giving voice to my deepest desires, and verbally stroking his mental pleasure center. “Bang me with your fingers” I managed to get out. “Just a little, enough to make me want your dick. Then move one of them to my ass and lick my pussy.” 

My words literally force a groan of longing out of him and he wastes no time fulfilling my requests. The pads of his fingers feel rough as they graze across my thighs and sheath themselves in my waiting heat. He finds the spongy spot and messages it just enough for me to want more before withdrawing to taunt me with my emptiness. He licks my lower lips thoroughly, taking time to explore so that no part is left untouched. He knows exactly where my go button is and deliberately circles it a few times before tapping it and pulling away. His finger has dropped down to my anus but I’ve been too caught up in his other attentions to notice that it’s inactive. 

“You said to move it hear babe, you didn’t tell me what to do with it” he tells me in a deliberately rumbling voice so that his words vibrate against my sensitive nerves. I’m not embarrassed anymore; he has me far too worked up to think about anything except the total gratification of my desires. “Push it just inside and wriggle it” I command. I can feel him smile against my cunt right before he sucks my clit into his mouth and penetrates me ever so slightly with his finger. His touch is brilliant and adds just the right amount of stimulation to the magic he is working on my hot spot. With one last gentle suckle and withdraw and intrusion of his digit he sends me over the edge. My whole body seizes with ecstasy. “Shit” I moan and grab his head and hold it against my body. 

Before the feeling even begins to fade he is straddling my shoulders and shoving his cock in my mouth. He is thrusting it in pretty hard but I’m still plenty high from that orgasm and he is the love of my life so I am more than happy to comply. I give him some good suction when he pulls out and angle my throat to give him maximum penetration when he pushes back in. Any time he slows I slide my tongue around his underside to caress the vein that runs there. He lets me suck him hard and maintains good control which is fucking bullshit so I pull out all the stops and start rubbing my tits and moaning all over his dick. It doesn’t take much of that to snap his composure. 

He bunches up a blanket and shoves it under my hips to give him the right leverage before plunging inside of me. I am hot and dripping so there is no resistance as he hammers against my back wall again and again. One of his thrusts causes me to let out a little squeak and he hesitates for just a moment. We’ve had this discussion before and I’ve assured him it is way too soon in my pregnancy for this kind of rough sex to harm the baby. “Harder” I yell at him angrily. I don’t want him to take it easy on me. I want it like we are the only two people on the planet. He snaps his hips repeatedly and I rub myself furiously until I’m clenching his flesh with my own and he is grunting my name from the force of which I’m milking him. His masculine juices shoot inside of me pleasantly and I sigh with contentment at the knowledge that I’m filled with his jizz. 

He collapses in exhaustion and flips us over so that his weight won’t bother me. He’s still inside and we are pressed together chest to chest. “Can you feel my heart?” I ask him trying to catch my breath. “Yes” he pants. “Can you feel mine?” I nod and kiss his neck several times. “Then we’re still in love” he finishes for me. It’s a ritual we have developed over time. Mostly to relieve my anxiety but also during happy times like this to affirm our bond and commitment. 

I feel great during my second trimester, probably better than I have my whole life. But it doesn’t mean that Josh doesn’t have to pick up lots of my chores. He insists that I can’t climb anymore and also that I not dive or haul water. I make myself useful cooking all of our meals and trying my best to prepare for the baby. We decide we can swaddle it in the beginning. We have tons of extra clothing that doesn’t fit us that we recovered after the crash and as it grows we can improvise from there. We work together to make a small crib and Josh has taken to whittling small toys before the fire at night. 

I thought I was prepared for the changes it would bring my body because I want to be a mother and I have a man who loves me. But as my belly begins to grow I become more and more self-conscious about it. I’ve put on weight, not just my stomach but everywhere. Even my face looks chubby. That combined with the realization that my mother will not be here to help me through any of this sets me to crying one day doing laundry. “What’s wrong honey?” Josh asks putting a hand on my shoulder. “It’s nothing” I sob, “Just my fucking hormones” (which is probably true). He takes the skirt I’m scrubbing from my hands and hugs me as close as he can given my burgeoning midriff. 

He rocks me gently and smooths my hair and I feel even less like a capable sexy woman. “I’m getting so big” I sniff. Before he can argue and assure me that I’m light as a feather and all of that other ridiculous shit that is obviously completely untrue I turn to the side and show him how tight his shirts are getting. “It isn’t going to cover me much longer” I stammer and begin to cry again. God, I am so annoying when I’m pregnant. He gives me a sympathetic smile which makes me want to slug him. He isn’t finished with the treat Jennifer like she is five routine though. He tells me to sit, finishes the laundry while I try to regain my composure and leads me back to camp by the hand. 

Now that I have my shit mostly together I stoke up the fire while he goes rummaging in the storage shelter. After a few minutes he returns with a very large man’s shirt. It takes me a second to realize that it belonged to Liam. My lower lip starts to tremble as he slips each button free and pushes his shirt off of my shoulders before dressing me in the other. I have plenty of room to expand in this one but I feel funny about it. “Are you sure?” I ask softly. He holds my shoulders with a firm steadying grip and gives me a sweet and lingering kiss. His smile reassures me. “Yeah” he tells me. “I’m way over that Jen. It actually feels really right to me.” I raise my eyebrow for an explanation and he pulls out my chair before taking his own seat and my hand. 

“He was our best friend and he never got to have this” he explains. “I got to have this crazy adventure with you against all odds. I got to see you blossom and thrive out here. I was able to get married and now to be a dad. I loved him and it’s cool that he can be a little part of it this way.” How could anyone not love this man? I swallow the rising emotion and bring his head to rest where our baby is growing. “He would be really proud of you” I tell him. “They all would and your Mom is totally going to freak.” That brings joy back to our home and we spend the evening eating and talking about how excited our families will be if we are ever able to introduce them to our little miracle. 

As time goes on it becomes harder and harder for me to get around. This is the worst climate imaginable for an 8 month pregnant lady and my legs and feet swell terribly. Virtually all of my chores fall to Josh and to his credit he never complains and rarely shows how afraid he is. The days are long and difficult for me because of the heat and tedium. I move myself wherever he is working and keep him company. Partially to watch over him (I can’t imagine what I would do if something happened to him now) and partially to combat my boredom and avoid spending too much time dwelling on my impending child birth. We discuss the business, speculate on what movies have come out since we’ve been gone and pitch each other some ideas for more original scripts. It helps me pass the days without losing my mind. 

Although I don’t sleep well, the nights are much easier. I lay on my left side as that is the only position that does not feel completely awful at this point and Josh spoons me from behind. It’s hot but I don’t care. As time has passed I have become less and less tolerant of spending any time away from him. I’m frightened and I need the feeling of his hand on my belly. Maybe together we can keep our baby alive. He started kicking a couple of months ago and his father is completely obsessed with it. He is goofy and insists on believing that every movement is a language through which this mysterious being is already communicating with us. “He’s really going tonight” he will say. “He must not like that kind of fish.” We both think it’s a boy because I have two brothers and there are no girls in his family. 

One night as my husband caresses my middle and interprets every move of the baby like its Morse code I start to think of what my body will look like after I give birth. “I’m going to have a lot of extra skin when this little guy decides to check out of the hotel uterus” I complain. This is a lose/lose conversation for a man. If he agrees with me I will be upset. If he tries to placate me I will be annoyed. “You can always have them fix it if we ever go back” he days distastefully. “But you wouldn’t want them to” I observe. He takes a moment to consider. “I want you to if you want to. I don’t want you to do it for them.” He doesn’t need to explain the identity of the infamous “them”. It is something any celebrity would understand. 

“They’re definitely going to need to do a lot of work on me” I say. “They’ll want to cut and dye my hair first thing; although maybe they won’t. Everyone liked it when it was really long and blonde, everyone but you.” Josh shrugs his shoulders and lifts the corner of his lip like he does when he doesn’t like something but is trying to be polite about it. “I didn’t hate it” he offers. “I don’t get it” I tell him. “You seemed just fine with it being long when we met and you like it now.” He cuts me off with a kiss. “I love it now” he clarifies and strokes some of it at the base of my neck to drive his point home. “So why didn’t you like it when it was objectively the best it’s ever looked?” I ask. “Because it wasn’t your hair” he admits. 

“You didn’t like it because I had extensions?” I ask incredulously. He’s lived in Hollywood most of his life. How can this kind of shit still even be on his radar? “Your hair gets everywhere you know” he says defensively. “Even then it got all over my stuff when we stayed together and it even got in my mouth.” I’m still staring at him like he has lost his mind. “I’m just saying” he continues. “You have it all over your pillow and you are like eating it and you don’t even know whose hair it is.” I’m still giving him the I don’t buy your bullshit look. “Ok” he admits reluctantly. “I didn’t like it.” I nod but for once his criticism doesn’t sting. “I knew it” I tell him. “I had to do what I had to do to look good through the years and the prettier I got the more I got positive feedback from everyone, except for you. I always felt insecure about it, like you were judging me.” 

His expression hardens and even his hand on my waist pulls tighter. “I never meant to make you feel that way” he says in a stern voice. “The truth is I liked the way you looked when we met best. It’s not that you didn’t look gorgeous before the crash or now, it’s just that they changed you. Little by little they made adjustments to your physical beauty; which would be fine if it’s all that it was. But every time they changed something they told you that you weren’t good enough before and you already had way too many of those thoughts in your head. Without even realizing it they confirmed all of your worst fears and made truth out of all the lies you ever told yourself: that you were not thin enough, pretty enough, or smart enough to make your own choices about how you look. “

“They made me a huge success” I defend. He nods in agreement and cups my face. “They helped you make yourself a huge success” he clarifies. “But you also came to believe that no one loved who you were before and that is a lie. Your friends and family did and I did. You were the most talented actress of our whole generation before they laid a finger on you and you were my best friend. I didn’t like the changes because I was afraid they were hurting you on the inside by sending you the message that you needed to change what you looked like on the outside.” By the time he finishes I’m crying because he’s right and because I cry a hell of a lot now. He dries my eyes and kisses me for a long time. We are past the point of love making because I am so heavy with child but his strong hands still hold and touch me and I’ve never felt more beautiful or understood, not at any award show or red carpet event. 

According to our calculations I am due in three days. I’m miserable and want it over with but I’m also terrified and hope it never comes. I was there when one of my nephews was born and I tell Josh every detail I can remember about the delivery and how to take care of the baby afterward. At the very minimum he is going to need to help deliver him, cut the cord, clean him and stitch me up. I’m not sure if his impulse to cry or hurl was stronger when I confirmed that he would need to do the last one. He also looked horrified as I explained that I would need to pass the after birth as well. “I wish I would have watched more of those reality medical shows” he laments. “Didn’t you see the miracle of life video in health class?” I ask. “I didn’t go to school” he reminds me.

We have all the supplies available to us ready and he has hauled extra water and wood. All we can do now is wait. I pray fervently that I will go into labor. If I don’t I will die. There is no way around it. I assure Josh that my mother never had to be induced and that the odds are in my favor. We try to play cards, talk, anything… but the minutes seem like hours. I convince him that sex isn’t going to hurt me and that it is a good way to induce labor. He takes me slowly and gently a couple of times over the next two days. It is loving and poignant and if things don’t go well it could be our last. We walk as well because I remember that being another thing my sister in laws said could help the baby come. 

The pain starts the next day. I can only assume they are contractions but they are far apart and not coming faster. I try to sleep between them when I can to save my strength. When I feel the gush of fluid I almost weep with joy. “My water broke” I call out both elated and panicked. He is at my side in a moment pulling my skirt away to reveal the evidence that our time is up. This baby is real and it is coming right now. After that my contractions start coming more closely together. By the time the sun is high in the sky Josh estimates that they are less than two minutes apart. “Leave it to your child to come at the hottest part of the fucking day” I scream at him as another contraction begins. 

Even though we are under a canopy sweat is rolling off of both of our bodies as the day wears on. I do my best to breathe through the pain holding on to his hand for dear life. By early afternoon I’m exhausted and he doesn’t look much better. As one of the horrid cramps subsides I take a moment to laugh at us. “What?” he asks confused. “This just isn’t how I thought this would happen” I pant. That didn’t do anything to clear things up for him. “You’re all sweaty and covered in sand and in your underwear. I’m naked and not under the influence of a single fucking medication. It’s official…I didn’t plan it this way.” Just as I finish the strongest pain yet takes hold of my abdomen and refuses to let go. 

I bear down on it as hard as I can. The pain feels like it will literally tear me apart. When it finally starts to subside I am aware that Josh is telling me to push. No shit Sherlock. “Fuck” I yell. “I can’t do this make it stop.” I want to give up and think I can’t take any more or I will have a mental breakdown. Then I realize that he isn’t standing beside me anymore, he is crouched between my legs. “Jen” I hear him say excitedly. “Hang in there babe, we’re almost done. I can see the head. Just a few more pushes.” We my ass, he hasn’t done any damn pushing. But if he can see the head it’s almost over, my baby is almost here. It gives me the strength to keep going. I don’t have long to dwell on it because the next contraction takes my body in a vice grip of agony. I push harder than I ever thought I was capable of, desperate to free my baby, for it to be alive, for it to survive. Suddenly I feel something give and Josh is shouting but I don’t hear it. I don’t hear my baby. Why don’t I hear it? Is it dead? No, his voice sounds excited not anguished. 

“It’s a girl” I hear him say with pride right before a loud baby squall finally prompts my heart to keep beating again. A moment later Josh is holding a very dirty baby at my chest and she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Her tiny fists are balled and her face is red. I can see she has a smattering of hair but she is so covered in crud it is impossible to tell the color. Despite the wonder of the moment her face is contorted in anger and she is screaming her head off. It’s a huge relief. She is small of course, she is a newborn, but she isn’t tiny and her lungs are healthy. I try to hold her but my arms lack the strength to keep her steady. Josh holds her close to me for a few minutes and then reluctantly cuts her cord, wraps her up, and places her in the waiting crib so that he can finish with me. 

The placenta comes easily afterward and he does the best he can to play doctor and stitch me. The baby cries pretty much the whole time which troubles my motherly instincts but Josh assures me that it will be good for her to clear her lungs. He cleans her with the water he hauled to camp earlier and when she is dry we discover that she has blonde hair. Newly freshened up and warm in daddy’s arms she drifts off to sleep and Josh moves me to the shelter bed so that he can clean up from the birth. He insists on cleaning me with salt water which is almost as painful as pushing the baby had been but it’s the only means we have of preventing infection. My breasts also kill and they feel extremely heavy which is great because I know my milk is coming in. 

When little feisty wakes she does so with a loud cry and I know that she is hungry. He brings her to me and after a few false starts she attaches and begins to suckle. Thank God, not all babies take to that so easily and I have no other way to feed her. She makes a valiant effort to drink from both breasts but I really don’t have that much to give her and neither of us have the energy to care. It doesn’t take long and both of us are asleep. She wakes again in late evening and I find that I have more to give her. She is still getting used to it and I have to keep offering her my nipple again and again because she has trouble staying latched on. She gets better at it though and a few days later Mommy and Daddy are complete zombies but baby Hutcherson is an excellent eater. 

We are both immensely relieved that we seem to have dodged everything that could have gone wrong in the initial stages. She was born healthy and I survived. My milk came in and she is eating. She is growing stronger every day and I have no signs of infection. Josh lets out a long sigh as he leans against a tree just a few feet away. “What?” I ask him looking up to meet his gaze. “Nothing” he says with a tired smile. “Just watching my girls, you’re beautiful when you do that you know.” He enjoys taking care of her but not as much as he loves watching me feed her. He says he is astounded by the miracle of life and humbled that he is the father. I told him he’s just a pervert that likes to stare at my tits. When she’s finished I kiss her cheek and she looks at me with wide eyes. The light brown orbs mesmerize me. I’m her Mother. I thought if I could have a child that it would fulfill the greatest purpose of my life and that I could die happy. How wrong could I be? I look at this tiny being, half Josh, half me, all wondrous new person. I’m more determined now than ever to live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, baby Hutcherson has arrived as so many of you wanted. I also gave you some good smut so ...you're welcome. I usually ask you to share with me one of your favorite moments or something that stood out to you so this time I am going to share mine. I really like that I was able to work Liam back into this one. It was a small but significant moment. I love it because the three really did start out this story as great friends and he is a thread I plan to include here and there until the end. Also, because it shows some of the growth Josh has undergone as a character and that his maturity in this area has reached a new level. Its those little moments that build on each other that tell the real story over time. I shared mine so now its time to share yours. Thanks so much to my loyal readers who leave me feedback with every new post. You really keep me motivated to give you more of this story and you have to stay motivated to write this many words about two people hanging out in the middle of nowhere together for years on end.


	19. Growing Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen and Josh's daughter celebrates her first birthday and Mommy and Daddy have an argument about someone from their past. Will the disagreement cause family strife or has Mommy done some growing up of her own?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glad you came back for this chapter and hope you enjoy it. If you were annoyed that I didn't name the baby in the last chapter you can rest assured that she gets one at the beginning of this one. Thanks so much to all who have been leaving me regular comments so that I can measure what is resonating with the readers. This is a long fic to trudge through (at least in the writing) so I appreciate all who write back to me. The mistakes are all mine because I have no beta reader. I try for it to be pretty clean but I know it isn't perfect.

She grows a little more every day our little blossom. We aren’t 100% sure that we have remembered to mark every day that we’ve been on the island but we think she was born in November and pretty close to the 5 year mark since the crash. We struggled with names when she first came because we were expecting a boy. We considered Nina to honor a friend we both admired or naming her Karen Michelle after our mothers. But in the end we didn’t want her to be defined by our losses either present or future. If she taught us anything it was that it was time to stop hoping for things that might never be and move forward with all the things we have. She was the start of a new chapter and we named her Evelyn but we call her Evie. We both liked that name and it seemed to fit her. 

The first year was a blur of feedings and diaper changes. I am sure Francis and Woody would have loved that we used their clothes to wrap our baby’s butt in. It has been amazing to watch her personality emerge and to see her bond with both of us. She can be feisty when she wants her way but most of the time she is a timid and cautious little girl. She loves to be held and to play with the toys we have made for her. She wants Mommy when she is tired and Daddy when she is frightened. She is the light of our lives and she will be one year old today. 

I’ve been awake for a while recounting the events of the past year with a smile. Josh’s hand slips from my waist up to cup my breast and I turn and leave a few light kisses on his neck. We have been careful most of the time as it seems soon to go through the whole ordeal again but now that she is sleeping through the night it is difficult not to throw caution to the wind. We haven’t ruled out having another child purposely but we still know the risks. Both of us would like Evie to have a sibling. I have some baggy skin around my belly and stretch marks on my breasts and thighs as well but he doesn’t seem to care and it certainly hasn’t dampened his desire. “A man likes to admire his own handiwork” he told me one day. If it wasn’t so reassuring I would slap him for being a chauvinist. 

Our kisses are growing more heated when we hear a little voice from the crib at the foot of our bed. “Dada” our little girl babbles. Josh sighs and gives me one more kiss before getting up and lifting her into his arms. “Good morning birthday girl” he tells her smoothing back her blonde curls. She rests her head on his chest and smiles. He goes about making breakfast with her perched on his hip and I restart the fire. Teaching her to stay out of it has been a continuous effort and we have to stay vigilant. Luckily, she isn’t a picky eater (not that she has much of a choice) and over the last few months we have introduced most of the foods we eat to her in supplement to my milk. 

She is extremely happy with the gifts we have fashioned for her. I managed a new outfit from material I took from a dress that once belonged to Nina. Josh made her two new wooden animals: a turtle and a goat. He has gotten better at making them. She has a few of her own but is very cranky that I refuse to share my horses with her. After gifts we walk down to the beach slowly each of us taking a tiny hand. She started walking a month ago and is very proud of her new skill. When we lift her up and swing her between us she lights up with energy and laughter. Josh has been trying to coax her into the ocean with him but she remains frightened of water which means that we haven’t been able to swim together in over a year and I miss it terribly. 

Today she does let the tide roll in over her feet. Every time it washes across her toes she squeals and comes running back to me. Daddy helps her find treasures in the sand and I use my finger to draw pictures for her of things she has never seen before. It is a good day and by the time we walk back home she is sleeping in my arms. My heart throbs a little because another big event has come and gone that I have no pictures of. My baby has lived a whole year and I have not a single video or photograph of it. One good thing is that it makes me more focused, more intentional. I never wanted to be the parent who watched her child grow up through a photo lens and here I don’t have the distraction. I am present for every real moment because I have to store it away in my brain forever. 

Josh hauls water while I lay her down for her nap and then we decide to work in the garden together. After a while, I sit in the shade to rest and I take a few minutes to watch my husband as he moves about tending the plants carefully. How different he is than the boy who frequented clubs in Europe, Atlanta, and LA while we were filming and touring together. That Josh was so light and fun, the life of the party. He was one to take chances, ride motor cycles, surf, and do his own stunts. He’s still fun and entertaining but life has hardened him. Some of the charm and easiness of youth is fading. He is a man full grown and equal to the task of taming the island, moving on from the past, and caring for myself and our daughter. He is the partner I need and I am grateful. 

One great thing I have discovered about maturity is that you can still decide to act like a kid when you want to. So when I call his name and he turns I take the opportunity to throw some weeds I’ve been pulling at him. They hit the side of his face and I turn quickly to stifle a giggle. He continues to work and I try to decide if I should temp him to play with me again or let it go. I don’t have to ponder very long because when I bend down to reach beyond one of the larger stalks he quickly pulls my skirt and underwear band back and dumps a hand full of earth in before snapping them back. “Joshy” I yell at him, forgetting that I might wake the baby. 

He gives me the boyish smile that makes me love him and hate his orneriness all at the same time. He knows I’ll never let it go so there is no use pretending that I’m not going to retaliate. I grab a hand full of dusty soil and fling it in his hair just before I tackle him out right. I am definitely known for my superb acting, not my graceful body movements. He goes down hard with me right after but his laughter assures me that he isn’t hurt. I hold him down and grin in triumph. “I win” I tell him in a sing song voice that is meant to be irritating. His cocky expression doesn’t fade. “Really Jen?” he challenges. “This is how you want it to be?” He lets the question hang in the air as my heavy breathing causes my breasts to brush his chest and my hair falls in waves over his face and neck. Our eyes meet and suddenly he has us flipped over. My hands are above my head and I am solidly pinned to the ground. “I thought you’d actually like it more like this” he comments referencing the many nights he has held me in just such a fashion while driving me out of my mind with pleasure. 

I’m not sure who moves first but soon our lips are colliding, our tongues invading each other’s mouths, our teeth scrapping lightly. It’s passionate, desperate, and everything I hoped to still have with a man after so many years together. It’s also over before it even begins because just as his hands pull me harder against his straining erection our little girl lets out a long wail. Josh drops his forehead to mine. “Jeez” he complains in mock indignation. “Cock blocked again, Evie really wants to be an only child.” 

I grab her from her crib and feed her while Josh finishes up the garden work. She drinks peacefully all snuggled against my body and I know that I will miss this time when it ends. Our diet is limited so I’m going to nurse her for as long as I can. When I was younger I thought it would suck to have to give up alcohol and tobacco to do this but that sure as hell didn’t end up being an issue. As I rock my baby and watch my husband work I start to worry. I know half the shit I obsess over isn’t worth the time of day but once I get something stuck in my head it is really hard to shake it. 

I want to talk to him but I’m not sure what he will have to say about it and I don’t want to argue in front of our child. So I wait until she is safely tucked away for the night to broach the subject. “If we make it back I want you to quit smoking” I tell him. He lets out a small laugh. “I think it’s safe to say that I’ve already quit honey” he tells me. “That’s not what I mean” I answer. “I mean stop for good. If we go back I don’t want you to start again.” He looks confused and shakes his head. “I didn’t smoke that much and so did you, what’s brought all this up?” I take a deep breath to calm myself. “Things are different now” I insist. “We have a child and I don’t like the idea of you doing anything that’s bad for you. No smoking and no drugs. If you won’t I won’t either.” 

He gives me a hug and shushes me. He knows I’m worked up and that I’m not at my most rational but it annoys me. My feelings are real even if they aren’t based on sound logic. “So this is when you become the nagging, controlling wife” he teases. “I was naggy and controlling even when I wasn’t your wife” I remind him. “At least now you’re getting some pussy for it.” Now he really can’t stop laughing. “What?” I ask him. “Nothing” he says when he can breathe again. “It’s just none of my drunk ass friends could have told me that any better.” 

“Seriously though” he adds. “I won’t start smoking again if you don’t want me to. I can stay clean for you and Evie.” Wow, that was easier than I thought. I must have a powerful pussy. He looks uncomfortable though and when he scratches the back of his neck and looks at the ground I know he wants to say more. “Along those same lines Jen” he starts. “If we make it back I don’t want you working with David again.” Oh holy hell, I did not think he was going to join this ridiculous band wagon. This is bullshit. Why does he want to talk about David? “Fuck you” I tell him walking away. 

He catches up to me in a few short strides and grabs my wrist to stop me. I wrench it away and whirl on him. “Now that you have the ring on and a baby in the crib you think you can run my life!” I accuse him. “That is some kind of fuckery, if we make it back I’ll work with anyone I damn well please.” My words are bold but my eyes are filling with tears. He remains calm, just quietly staring at me while I over react. When I’ve finished he lifts my chin and tries to kiss me. I back away. “Jen” he implores me. “I’m not trying to control you, I’m trying to have a real conversation about a concern that I have. I know you don’t want to talk about it but now is as good a time as any.” 

He’s completely justified damn him. He’s my husband and he is entitled to an opinion about what I do and has the right to voice it to try to influence me. I sit on the edge of our bed and pick at the fraying material there. With a sigh, he sits next to me and puts a hand on my arm. “I’m not telling you what you can or can’t do babe. Honestly, I wouldn’t dare” he teases, but I know while his delivery is humorous he means the words he is saying. “I know he is a great director and I don’t argue with his genius. You guys made some great movies together and I know you have a lot of respect for him. But I also know how he is. How he is with everyone.” 

“You don’t know anything” I interrupt him. “You weren’t on any of those projects and they all went fine, better than fine. Those movies were pivotal to my career. I know you think I did things I shouldn’t have to get ahead but not everyone can be a boy scout like you.” I move to get up again but he grabs my shoulders and sits me back down hard. He isn’t hurting me but I’m not used to being manhandled and it startles me. He uses this window of undivided attention. “Listen to me” he says starting to raise his voice. “I never think bad things about you do you understand?” I nod my head quickly, not really sure what to do with this assertive and commanding Josh. I see him sometimes in the bedroom but not in normal conversations like this. 

“You get it in your pretty little head sometimes that I think you aren’t wonderful and that I’m better than you and I don’t. I never have. I don’t think you have done things you shouldn’t do to get ahead. I think that you put up with things from other people that you shouldn’t. You worked on some projects with David and the work turned out great. You both helped each other’s careers. I get it and I don’t second guess your judgement on what you needed to do. But you don’t need to put up with anyone who doesn’t treat you like gold anymore. He has a temper, I know he uses it. Maybe not on you, but I know you don’t like to see anyone treated badly. There are a lot of directors out there and they will all be dying to work with you again. I love you and I want you to be able to be as happy as possible. I want you to be around people who will treat you and everyone else with love and respect all the time.”

“That’s not realistic” I argue with him. “It’s what I want for you and our little girl” he answers. “She’ll be onset if we work again. She’ll want to come and visit mommy and daddy.” He has me there and I let out the breath I have been holding. I feel the anger and defensive energy leak out of me as I deflate. “I’ll think about it” I concede and he nods in acceptance. People have always second guessed me about working with David and I have always defended him but I can understand my husband’s impulse to want the best environment for me. I’m already practicing my verbal lashings for anyone who ever says shit about him again. 

It’s getting late but I keep finding things to do to delay turning in for the night. The rational part of me knows that he means well, but I have never let a man tell me what to do before. I can’t imagine the Jennifer who went down on that plane allowing a love interest to decide who she would be working with and who is off limits. I’m still angry. I don’t want to lay down with him. I don’t want him to touch me. I can’t put it off forever though and after another hour of messing with my hair and working on a basket I finally join him in the darkness. He knows I’m pissed. I don’t want to fight. I just want to be a million miles away from him. I turn on my side and hold myself as stiff as a board as far away from him as possible. “I love you Jen… and I’ll always be here for you no matter what” he tells me, sending the promised whisper across the empty chasm. 

I think back on all our really big blow ups, pretty much always caused by my over reactions. I try to remind myself of the thousands of wonderful things he has done for me over the years. I still don’t want his skin against mine. I remember our wedding day. Repeat in my mind my vows to try to make him happy, to build up the strength of our bond, to give him my body whenever he desires. I am just angry and want to punish him. The younger version of myself wants to tell him to fuck off and reassure myself that I deserve my own space. But one thing I’ve learned since coming here is that I’m not the center of the universe. It’s amazing how small my geographical and social world had to get in order for my mental and spiritual one to expand. 

This isn’t about me. I told Josh to quit smoking and he agreed. He asked me to turn down future commitments with someone who he thinks would treat me and our baby with less than the utmost care and I bristled under the restriction. I contracted at the idea that he now believes he has a vote at the table of the choices in my life. I’ll have to think on it a while. But while I am thinking he is my husband and it’s my job to take care of him. I scoot across the bed and spoon him from behind. This is about him; showing him that my love isn’t conditional on my moods and the swings of my emotions. I’m still not feeling lovey dovey but I run my hands over him and kiss his shoulder. “Can you feel my heart?” I ask him. “Yes” he answers quietly, “Can you feel mine?” I nod and reassure him. “Yes Joshy…so we’re still in love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...if you happen to love David O Russell you can probably tell that I don't. I obviously don't know him personally but he is generally a jerk to people and I don't think the boss should treat people badly just because he can get away with it. You are certainly welcome not to share my opinion and to love him. If you do, feel free to write your own fan fiction about how great he is and let me know where it is posted and I will read it so that we are even. I am willing to venture a bet that most of you do not care one way or another or had no idea who I was even referencing when I included him. Please let me know what stood out to you about this chapter and what you think of Evie so far. I am hoping to make her a decently three dimensional character for a child. Jen showed some major growth as a person and a partner by how she processed this incident so I would be interested in your thoughts on that as well. Also, I have had an interesting time conversing back and forth with BellaGracie on this work and one that she is working on. If anyone else has a work they would like me to read since they are reading mine let me know and I will check it out and comment back to you. I hope you all had a great holiday and enjoyed this update from our little family on an island (so cute that they are a family now).


	20. Facing An Uncertain Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As they mark 8 years on the island Jennifer has some exciting news for Josh. It is a time of peace and harmony in their home as their little girl continues to grow. It also marks some decided changes in the dynamics of their relationship and their eagerness to be rescued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who is continuing to follow this story. I appreciate all of your thoughts and comments. For those of you who like Evie there is more of her in this chapter for you. Also, continued drifting of our main characters away from the rest of the world. It may seem romantic and event inevitable given the circumstances, but is investing everything into another person a deep and satisfying level of intimacy or does it create ruinous vulnerability? I'd love to hear your insightful thoughts on the matter.

Telling him that I’m pregnant the second time is much easier. This time I’m actually more excited than frightened. I haven’t been bowled over by the horrendous morning sickness I had with Evie but I’m late and I’ve felt queasy every morning for a week. Several times I’ve come close to just bursting out with it but I still haven’t. I want to do something special and I want to remember it for the rest of my life. So tonight at supper I run my foot gently against his calf. As we talk I turn my head to the side and keep leaning towards him with a smile which of course means that I want to fuck. Our two year old sits in her makeshift high chair totally oblivious to my antics and very dedicated to the task of smashing a banana between her little fingers. 

Josh motions with his eyes to the beach and I confirm with an expression of my own. He wants to meet by our rock tonight which means we can be as loud as we want. We’ve been able to communicate on that level for so long that I take it for granted. Jeffrey used to call it having a language all our own. He could never follow it but he got a kick out of us anyway. The memory lifts my mood even higher, I haven’t thought of him in years. 

Making love by the beach tonight will be the perfect time to introduce him to our newest little addition. We were hesitant at first to travel that distance from Evie even just for a quickie but we’ve calmed a bit about it over time. We can still hear her from that distance if she yells for us and she virtually always sleeps like a rock. There are no large predators on the island and we certainly don’t have to worry about anyone taking her. Most of the time we stay in our own bed but every once in a while it’s nice to venture out and have the freedom we once did in true privacy. 

After dinner I work on mending clothes while Josh and Evie gather kindling. Like most two years olds she is such a big help with chores and I laugh as I listen to him try to include her in the simple task. When it’s time for her bath I take the large bucket we made for her and sit her in the few inches of water I had set aside earlier. She still doesn’t like to swim but she enjoys this ritual thoroughly. I scrub every inch of her adorable little body before dressing her for the night. Josh is down at the beach getting cleaned up himself and I smile to myself that he is taking a little longer than usual. If he is taking pains to get that clean he must want me to go down on him tonight. 

When he returns I hand her off and do my own share of cleansing so that I will be perfect for him later. As I walk back into our home I see her lying with her Daddy on our big bed. Josh is propped up on one elbow telling her a story that he is animating with her wooden animals. Her giggles float over to me through the sticky air and my heart feels full. Soon he will be able to add a little girl to his puppet show. In a few months it will be her birthday again and I have just finished a ragdoll for her. Sometimes I join in to provide additional voices for the characters but tonight I opt to sit back and watch the delight in our daughter’s eyes at the simple performance. When the adventure ends with the turtle rescuing all of his friends her eyes are looking droopy. We both give her kisses and in the time it takes us to grab a few blankets and stir the fire she is snoring softly. 

The moon is incredibly bright tonight so we don’t have to bother with a torch. His thumb caressing the back of my hand calms me as we walk to the perfect spot. It’s close enough to enjoy the sound of the waves without feeling the spray and close enough to our house to see the fire and know our baby is safe in her crib. I lay down first thinking he will join me for some star gazing but my earlier flirtations must have made him eager because he immediately caresses my face and reaches underneath to untie my bra (the hook ripped off ages ago). His face is serious, like he knows tonight is about more than just getting each other off. I meet his gaze and my eyes speak back to him all of the heavy things I’m feeling inside. 

He bends forward and his lips find each of the freckles on my chest. These light kisses feel more intimate than the fucking I know will come later. He takes the time to explore me even though I am familiar territory. He could find every one by memory even in the absence of the moon shining down. My hands fist in his hair. The same hair that I cut with a knife to keep out of his eyes, that beads with sweat from providing for our family, that glistens in the sun when he emerges from a dive, that they dyed that ridiculous blond for Mockingjay. He is mine; this boy turned man and I am his. I can imagine no alternative reality. 

He would likely be content to worship my body for half the night but I refuse to be a mere object of affection. When he least expects it I flip us over so that I straddle his waist and rub myself firmly on his cock. My mouth falls to his neck and I nibble his ear and tell him how much I love him before sucking at a sensitive spot on his throat. His groans of approval drive me on until I have branded him with several marks. “Fuck honey” he pants as I stroke him through his underwear. “Keep that up and you’re going to make me cream in my pants.” I rip the boxer briefs off along with my own panties and give him another squeeze. “It wouldn’t be the first time” I tease. He answers me with a wide grin until I wipe it off his face by sheathing him inside of me in one long stroke. 

His fingers immediately find my clit where he begins to circle while I bob up and down to give us both the friction we need to find our fulfillment. I mean for it to be calm, companionable, loving sex but then he starts talking. “Damn baby, look at those tits. You are so fucking perfect. I can’t stop thinking about you all the time, wanting you like this. No matter how much I get it’s never enough. Why can’t I stop needing so much it hurts?” His last words come out as a grunt because I am riding him hard now, slamming myself down again and again to feel him embedded as deeply as possible. I need to feel close to him but I also need him to shut up. 

He doesn’t speak of it often but when he does his words confirm that he is falling as deeply as I have and while that knowledge is elating it is also deeply troubling. I am prone to extreme emotions and flights of fancy. I can also acknowledge a tendency towards co-dependency (at least since that damn plane crashed). He is the practical one; the one that drags things back into the light of reality. If he is as crazy about me as I am about him there will be no restoring this relationship back to a healthy footing ever. I’m not sure what that means. I want him to stop scaring me. I want to tell him that I’m about to give us another sweet life. 

I remember some interviewer asking him what would happen if we were attracted to each other and him saying that it would be the most intense relationship in the world. I guess that is exactly what is happening when I finally do let go and start clenching around him. The sounds coming out of me are strange even in my own ears but they hardly penetrate my consciousness as I watch his eyes close and his hands anchor me to him while he jerks his hips up one, two, three more times and his cum fills me to the brim. We are a sweaty mess but nothing could move me from my perch atop him. 

I lean forward and cup his face before giving him a long kiss. When I pull back it is only far enough to see him clearly. “I’m pregnant” I tell him softly. His smile is brilliant and immediate. “That’s…” he starts but then struggles for words. “That’s great love” he finally gets out. He’s holding me close now, stroking my hair and kissing my face. “Are you scared?” I ask him. “I’m terrified” he confirms. “But Evelyn is such a miracle and I really want another one.” I nod as I share the same thoughts about the little lamb growing within. His hand finds its spot on my abdomen at the same time I feel him hardening again. 

I laugh and he looks embarrassed. “I know we are sharing a Hallmark moment here Jen, but I still have a very wet vagina around me” he points out. I bury my face in the crook of his neck and chuckle some more. “Those movements aren’t helping to calm me sweetheart.” His dick is now hard as a rock and still fully embedded. His energy and resilience never cease to amaze me. “You’ve always been like this” I tease. “I swear you have a never ending supply of boners.” He looks as consternated as a man can while still balls deep in the woman he loves. “I’m just one of those guys” he says defensively. “I just get one if I’m feeling happy or sad or angry…or excited, or anxious or lonely.” I’m really laughing hard now and the contractions are causing me to grip him over and over again. “You literally just named every human emotion” I howl. “That’s it” he declares in good humor and flips us over. “You want to be happy, I’ll make you happy sweet thing.” The second time is punctuated by laughter and teasing but ends in pleasure just the same. 

When we finally settle down we make our way back to our bed and he spoons me and rubs my tummy. “Are you happy Jen?” he asks out of nowhere. “Yes” I answer honestly. “I know it’s probably sick but if it wasn’t for the kids I’d rather not go back now.” I interpret his silence and continued caresses as agreement. “It would be hard” I continue. “Too hard of a fight for a life that doesn’t even belong to me anymore. But for the kids we will need to. There’s no future for them here.” He nods his ascent. “At least it isn’t a choice we will have to make” he tells me. “If they find us we will go. If they don’t …well you know what happens if they don’t.” 

We don’t speak of it again. Even though we are on the same page it still feels like a betrayal of our loved ones. The first two years we spent grieving our friends who died in the crash. These last few we have slowly let go of everyone else too. That’s what survivors do. They keep pushing forward and cut off any dead weight that holds them back. It may be a vicious reality but it is the only way I know how to move ahead and have something real and this life we have together is the very essence of the word. Our bond is based on need, desire, and mutual understanding. Our conversations are stimulating, challenging, and affirming. Our common memories are vast and compose the core of our adult experience. The sex we have is loving, desperate, and deeply intimate. I need no other people in my world. 

We both know that Evie does though. She is eager to learn and grows more curious about the world around her every day. The flowers Josh picks for me have become a lesson in colors for her. We show her each blossom in turn and pronounce the hue. In time, she points to everything in her surroundings and calls it by name and by its color. She also knows the names and noises of all of her wooden animals despite never actually seeing or hearing any of them. She lets Josh take her into the ocean now but never leaves the safety of her Daddy’s arms. She is a fearful child when it comes to the unknown and unfamiliar and she struggles with even minor changes in routine. If she stays up long enough to see the darkness Josh has to rock her to sleep and she cries through all the major storms and it takes both of us to sooth her. 

My pregnancy is easier in some ways than the first and more difficult in others. I am not as sick and I know what changes to expect but it is much harder to shift all responsibilities away from me because we have a rambunctious child to contend with. She has to spend more time in her crib/playpen which she finds extremely unappealing but we still cannot trust her around the fire. Her birthday comes and goes and she adores her new doll which goes a long way for making up for her additional time spent in her cage. I’ve explained to her that I’m carrying a new baby brother or sister for her but I don’t think she really understands what that means. 

She is very enthusiastic about the prospect of learning her letters though. I promised her when she was three and potty trained I would teach her. It takes only a couple of weeks for me to show her how to squat in the woods and before long she is a pro. The only trouble is that she has a tendency to just go anywhere including right in the middle of the house. Sometimes we will see her lift her little skirt and start to crouch down and one of us will run to pick her up and get her quickly to a more suitable spot. She kept her end of the bargain though so now whenever we go to the beach I use a stick to draw a letter in the sand and we practice together how to say it and what sound it makes. The only book we have here is the Bible so it will be a few years but I definitely plan to teach her to read by it. 

Evie is 3 now which means that we have been here for 8 years. I guess that makes me 33. I always thought that I would freak out when I turned 30 but it came and went with little notice. My family loves and accepts me and our life here is about getting and maintaining the essentials. I could lose Josh or Evie. They could lose me. The prospect of being without one another dwarfs any minor qualms I might once have had about aging. I find myself increasingly focused on caring for our growing family and safeguarding our future. That is my mindset as my belly grows ever heavier with child. It’s why Josh and I add on to the shelter and expand the garden. It is what we discuss in the peace of the night while his hand strokes over our new baby again and again. But life isn’t like that, you can’t plan for every eventuality and the illusion of security is shattered one day as we harvest from the fruit trees. 

I have always been the better climber but since the day I announced my condition to Josh he hasn’t let me a foot off of the ground. I normally make him climb with the rope harness but it gets heavy and he doesn’t want to carry it and Evie everywhere we go today. He isn’t even really that high up but when his right foot slips while one of his hands is reaching there is no hope for recovering his grip and he goes crashing to the ground. My heart stops as I stare at his motionless body and Evie begins to wail at the top of her lungs. He can’t be dead. I can’t lose him. I can’t have the baby alone. If he is dead we are all going with him. I don’t remember moving but soon I’m on the ground beside him with my face pressed against his chest. His heartbeat is strong and steady which floods me with relief. He isn’t moving though so something is definitely wrong.

It takes several minutes but eventually he responds to our urgent calls and his eyes flutter open. “Jennifer?” he asks in confusion. “Oh my God” I let out. “You fell and I thought…are you ok? You’re ok right? I mean you’re not bad hurt…” He raises a hand to cut off my rambling and looks over to a still crying Evie. I feel awful that I’ve barely even noticed her distress and kneel down to hold her in my lap. She doesn’t calm until she passes out from exhaustion. He doesn’t like it but I carry her back to camp because he is still unsteady on his feet and we stop several times due to spells of dizziness. When we make it back I lay our daughter down and get him some water. 

“How bad do you think it is?” I ask without wanting an answer. “I’ll make it” he responds with a grimace. “I’m pretty sure I have a concussion. Thanks to you I know what one feels like.” I laugh despite everything. If he can still tease me we are going to be alright. He is sick for several days with bouts of nausea and vomiting and I stay awake nearly around the clock to ensure that he is woken every few hours. Evie copes poorly with his incapacitation and my clear anxiousness that begets her own. She cries at the drop of a hat and doesn’t eat much. By the time he is well enough to resume the chores I am a total wreck. He sends me to bed and a couple days of sleep recovery does me wonders but a feeling of foreboding has settled in my gut that won’t go. I love them all so much but I can’t protect them. I insist that the three of us stay together at all times and leave a hand over my womb constantly but it is a fool’s errand. No matter how vigilant I am I feel disaster looming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not exactly a cliff hanger but a definite foreshadow. I'd be interested to know your thoughts on the conversation the two have on whether or not they would like to be rescued at this point. It is definitely a change from even just a few chapters ago. There is some serious PTSD, co-dependency, survivors guilt, you name it going on and you can't blame them. They have been through a lot and as the ending suggests it isn't likely to get better any time soon. Jen also has some strange ideas going through her head during the sex scene which may be worth discussing. Despite the shifts in the emotion and psychology I still included some cute family scenes and as always the signature teasing and humor that make the read worthwhile. I hope you all have a great holiday season and I look forward to writing back and forth with you until I post another chapter. This is obviously not the end or I am just a big jerk.


	21. The Darkest Hour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer and Josh face their darkest hour to date when Evie falls ill and Jennifer goes into premature labor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have had this written for a while but have waited to post because a few of you have grown pretty attached to these characters and I didn't want to give you this chapter for Christmas. I hate spoilers in opening notes but this chapter has very serious and to some, upsetting content and I do not want to re-traumatize real people for the sake of a fictional story. With that in mind, do not read this chapter if you are sensitive to the issue of miscarriage or infant mortality and wish to avoid such content. I will include some other notes at the end but I wanted to give you a warning up front.

In the seventh month of my pregnancy Evie takes ill. It starts with a fever and vomiting. Two days later she is covered in a rash. Although I cannot name what ails her I am all too familiar with it. Josh and I have both contracted the disease since being here and he has had it twice. It heartens me that we both survived but she is just a child and her body is so much weaker. I do my best to show a strong face when I tend her but do plenty of crying in the long hours she sleeps each day. We feed, clean, and bathe her with wet rags but that’s the only thing we can do. 

Josh holds her hand and tells her stories in a humorous tone as if she were well. I want to scream at him to stop because the pretense only serves to upset me more but if she can hear him it will bring her comfort. I start to think he is in denial about the danger she is in until I see his face fall the moment he turns away to do his chores. He understands as well as I do and is just as concerned. But he isn’t about to burden either of us with his fear or worry. Josh can fake it till you make it like no one else I have ever met. No wonder he spent his life being a professional actor. 

No one has ever prayed harder than a mother that can do nothing else to aid her child. On day six of her battle I get the best and worse news of my life. Her fever breaks that morning and I am absolutely jubilant until I finally agree to leave her for a few minutes to wash up and find blood in my underwear. My hands shake as I remove the scrap of cloth and vigorously scrub away the offensive stain. It’s nothing, I am sure it is nothing, it has to be nothing. I don’ t say anything to my husband because telling him makes it real and there is nothing wrong with my baby, it isn’t even coming for another few months yet. 

My focus needs to be on my daughter and I pour my energies into her over the next few days while she makes a complete recovery. Children are prone to high fevers but once relieved kids bounce back so much more quickly than adults. By day three she is insisting on getting out of bed to play and I can ignore the spotting and the pains in my back no more. Even though it’s very hot I make my way into the shelter and lay down to rest. All I’ve been able to think about lately is keeping Evie alive. I haven’t been eating or sleeping right. I haven’t taken care of myself or my baby. This is all my fault. 

Even as denial rages in my head I feel stickiness in my panties. I don’t want to look at them but I force myself to pull them down and what they reveal makes my blood run cold. The blood is mixed with yellowish mucus. Oh no, it isn’t time yet. I’ve lost my plug and it isn’t time. This cannot be happening! My heart is hammering in my chest and I am starting to tremble as I call for Josh. My voice sounds distant, like it belongs to someone else. His look of concern usually comforts me but right now it floods me with shame and guilt. I’ve failed him too. He already loves this child and it is in deadly peril because of my negligence. 

“Jen, honey what’s wrong?” he asks. Unable to speak I hold my stained panties up for him to see. “Oh God” he says shaking his head and he is by my side in a second. Tears start to fall and my hand clings desperately to his. “I’ve been spotting for a few days” I sob. “I was hoping it would go away but it isn’t. My back hurts too. Josh…the baby is coming. It’s coming and it’s too soon.” I don’t state the obvious. A baby born this early with no advanced medical care will not survive. There is also something wrong, something that is causing the bleeding. Our baby is coming and it’s going to die in our arms if not before. 

He takes immediate action moving me to our bed beneath the canopy and penning Evie up so that she doesn’t wander. My contractions don’t speed up but neither do they abate. Hours pass in which Josh tries his best to console me and care for our daughter without frightening her out of her mind. I am sick with worry and panic. Last time the pain of the contractions was overwhelming. Now I am so distraught I make little notice of them. The physical pain is nothing compared to the anguish of knowing what lies at the end of this road. Baring a miracle, I will hold no healthy baby tonight. 

I’m covered in sweat that Josh washes away and I continue to bleed steadily. When I glance at the washing bucket and see it tinged red I want to scream in horror. Panic grips my insides as I search my mind desperately for something I can do to make the labor stop. “Jen” Josh says as he wipes me down again. “We should probably have you walk. We need to do something to help you progress more.” Is he out of his mind? “No” I practically scream. “We need to keep the baby in there for as long as possible. We need to slow it down.” Even as I speak I am cut off by another powerful wave of pain. 

He takes my hand and when the cramping ends he kisses my forehead. “The contractions aren’t going to stop honey” he says his face and voice devoid of all hope. “We can’t let you labor too long, it isn’t progressing right. Your body can’t take too much of this.” He’s given up on the baby. He’s only worried about me now. I give him the surprise of his life when I slap him across the face. “I don’t care if I die for God’s sake” I inform him. “I need to take care of my baby.” He lifts a hand to his stinging cheek and continues to care for me. 

It is a night of total agony. The contractions cut me like a knife and my mind feels like it will explode from worry and shame. I didn’t care for my baby, I’ve killed Josh’s child, and I’m scaring poor Evie for life. My body is breaking down with exhaustion and I haven’t had a coherent thought in hours. Josh is making every effort to sooth our daughter and somehow get me through this ordeal in one piece. His words of love and comfort ring hollow in my ears. I care for nothing but getting my baby out and hearing it cry. If I can’t save it then I hope I don’t make it either. 

The labor continues to progress but slowly. My husband is terrified. I can tell by the tremble in his hands as they hold mine and tend to my needs. He never loses his cool, not since the day I told him about Evie. Which means that nothing in my mind or heart is exaggerated. The fate of our family will likely be determined in the coming hours or days and unlike me he will see it till its bitter end. I would comfort him if I could but I’m beyond the ability to lie and you can’t give away what you don’t have. 

Shortly after dawn he tells me that the baby has crowned. I’m not sure if I am more frantic to get it out or keep it in but my heavy contractions leave me no choice. My screams and Evie’s crying pierce the morning air as I push as hard as I can until I feel its small body leave mine. I can hear my labored breathing and Evie’s voice calling for her Mommy and Daddy but I do not hear a cry. Josh stands quietly between my legs and tells me softly “It’s a boy… I’m sorry love… he’s not alive.” 

I am still in shock when he asks if I want to see him. I don’t know if I answer but he brings him over to me anyway. He is tiny, so much smaller than I remember his sister being. I’ll never know what color his eyes are because they are closed and will not open again. His father holds him with care and kisses his head before settling him on my chest. He never took a breath of life outside of me. My body which should have been his sanctuary became his tomb instead. I try to stay calm so as not to disturb his peacefulness but when Josh takes him away to cut his cord and wrap him in linens I begin to convulse and sob in anguish. 

My husband urges me to keep pushing so that I can pass the remainder of the afterbirth and fluids but I cover my ears to drown him out. My baby is dead. Nothing else matters now. He gives me some time while he calms Evie and assures her that she will be able to get out to play soon and that her Mommy is alright. When he returns his face is resolute in purpose. “Jennifer” he almost yells gripping my shoulders. “You have to do this, you have to help me just a little while longer. I’m not going to let you quit and just die even if you want to. I can’t do it without you. You are going to live whether you fucking like it or not.” His voice is full of strength and authority and my body naturally obeys. 

When I have passed everything he cleans and stiches me but I hardly register the pain. I am drifting off to that numb place where nothing can hurt you because you aren’t really living. At some point I notice that Josh is feeding Evie and he forces me to take some of the soup too. I don’t know where he has taken my baby, only that I will never see him again. It’s too much for my brain to process and my heart to stand and several times I scream at him angrily to bring my child back so that I can tend him. We are likely both immensely relieved when sleep finally takes me. I just hope that I will never wake again. 

 

I remember little of what transpires over the next several days. It is all a haze of misery and fire. I can feel the heat on my skin and behind my eyes. I register the soreness of my bones and an aching in my muscles. But they are little rival to the agony I feel in the pit of my being. There is an emptiness like some essential part of me has been ripped out not to be returned. I hope that I can go to heaven to care for my baby. I need to make up to him all the love and consideration I was not able to give him in this life. 

I dream of him fitfully and I reach and reach to remain near his tiny presence. But it is not to be and gradually I begin to recover my bearings. I can hear Evie and Josh moving about our home. He is feeding her, giving her a bath, telling her stories. She is crying for her mother, he is reassuring her that Mommy will get better. I have to stay, as much as I want to check out like I did when the plane crashed I need to return to my daughter. I open my eyes and wish that I hadn’t. My body is clean which doesn’t surprise me, I knew that he would care for me. My belly is flat again which nearly returns me to a state of unconsciousness. My head aches and my chest is surrounded by cloth that has been tied almost painfully tight over my breasts. 

My husband senses my stirring and takes my hand. His other comes forward to smooth my brow. He appears immensely relieved which makes me angry. There is nothing to be thankful for right now. “How is Evie?” I ask. My voice feels strange from lack of use which makes me wonder how long I slept. “She misses you” he tells me. “You’ve been out for a few days. You took a fever after…had to have been an infection but you seem to have beat it.” My hands move to tug at the binding on my chest and I give him a questioning look. “So that your milk dries up” he explains looking at the ground. I close my eyes and let my unshed tears burn in them. I feel his lips leave light kisses on my head and face. 

When I work up the courage to look at him his expression is tender and I can see that he has been shedding tears of his own. “I’m…I’m sorry” I tell him, my bottom lip trembling. “Jennifer” he says sitting beside me and holding my head against his chest. “This isn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong.” I wish I could believe him and in my head I can but my gut is filled with self-recrimination. He tries to reassure me but his words fall on deaf ears. He brings me water which I drink begrudgingly and it goes a long way towards relieving my headache. That evening I eat as well and life forces me to go on. 

I spend the next several days in bed talking to and reassuring my frightened daughter. She is a highly sensitive and emotional child and she has been through hell the past two weeks. Josh tries to hold me at night but my body remains stiff and aloof to his ministrations. When he finds that he cannot console me he sleeps in the hammock and lays Evie with me instead. Her small body curled next to mine reminds me of my reasons to live and relieves my anxiety that she may be in peril. 

When I am well enough to do chores I walk through them in a haze. I go through the motions of caring for Evie, gathering food, and tending the fire but everything that was Jennifer feels dead inside. When he feels confident that I’m not going to snap at the mention of the baby Josh asks if I want to see where he buried him. I want to have a place to go to remember him but I’m horrified at the reminder that while I lay in my sick bed my husband took our infant and buried him in the ground with his own two hands. He had to lay that perfect little angel in the dirt and cover him with soil. The reality is so horrifying that I start to hyperventilate and we have to delay the visit until tomorrow. 

We wait until Evie is napping then he takes my hand and leads me to the base of a large tree near the crash site. “I didn’t want him to be alone” he tells me trying his best not to cry. I feel like telling him to scream his lungs out. There is no one here still sane enough to be upset by it. But my voice catches in my throat and I find it impossible to speak. I fall to my knees and brush the recently disturbed earth. I stay that way for a long time, trying and failing to say goodbye to my baby. Josh recites the 23rd Psalm. I know it is for me and I appreciate it even through my surprise that he would know the scripture so well. He has a near photographic memory though and always learned his lines in a fraction of the time it took me and we have heard that prayer at every funeral or graveside service in the Bible belt our entire lives. 

It is a difficult visit the first time but afterward I make the short trip often. I don’t speak or pray. I just stand and wait for something to happen that never does. Josh had made a couple of figurines for the baby but when I go to give them to Evie I can’t find them. When I inquire about them he tells me that he was laid to rest with them. I go to bed before the sun sets that night and don’t get up for two days. Evie’s insistent cries that I come and play with her finally rouse me but I no longer feel any joy from interacting with her. I stop worrying about her. I even stop crying for the baby. I feel like an empty shell that used to be a wife and mother. 

Weeks pass and I scream at myself internally to snap out of it but I can’t beat the nothing. Josh kisses and hugs me every day despite the fact that I only halfheartedly reciprocate. After three months I can tell that he is struggling but I can’t do anything to help him because I can’t fix what is wrong inside of me. He moves Evie out of our bed one night and quietly places her in her crib. He comes to me with a guilty look on his face and gathers me in his arms. They are warm and strong and my mind registers that they are comforting but the connection fails in my brain and I can’t actually feel the comfort. 

His body moves over mine and his lips lay kisses on my neck and chest. I feel his erection pushing against my hip and know that he needs release. It doesn’t feel good but I don’t begrudge him this. If my body can offer him the solace it can’t give its owner I have no problem surrendering it to him. When it becomes clear that he will be the only active participant he pants in my ear. “I’m sorry Jen. I need you. I can’t help it.” I nod and hold him close as he pushes inside. Luckily my body is responding to him even if my head isn’t in the game. I am wet and he easily moves in and out until he grunts into my neck and pulls out to spill himself in a shirt he brought for the purpose. Tossing it aside he stays to hold me for a few more minutes. “Can you feel my heart beating?” he asks cautiously. I’m not ready to answer him though, can’t admit that I still love him. Loving and wanting someone are things that you do when you are living and I don’t deserve that after letting our family down so miserably. 

He apologizes again and leaves me for a few minutes before returning to move Evie back to my side. I am a total waste of life. How can he still love me? I failed our son and I’ve failed him too. He saved my life and nursed me back to health. He has cared for our daughter and kept our food supply up. He gives his very best and I couldn’t even repay him with a few moans while he fucked me. Now he feels bad and I am entirely to blame. I can’t bounce back from things the way that he can. I’m not that strong. I can’t see how I can ever begin to heal the pain inside of me and be a whole person again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know your thoughts on this chapter. It is a darker turn from the earlier humor and romance but a very real consequence of their circumstances. It is a painful subject but if it you connected with the imagery, thoughts, or emotions I would love to hear from you. This is a topic that I could have avoided but I think it would have been taking the cowards way out since it was a part of the original map that I had outlined and it is an issue that is close to my heart. I have lost a child myself so many of Jen's thoughts and emotions are loosely based on what I recall about that period of my own life. 
> 
> To be clear, we do not know why she lost her baby and neither does she or Josh. There is no reason to believe that it was a result of what she did or even being on the island. This could have been the outcome regardless of circumstances, but not knowing for sure is part of the burden every couple who has to go through this endures. Regardless, she clearly feels responsible and that is very real to her. It is normal for women who go through the loss of a child to experience a range of emotions which she has and will continue to do. Writing stories like this is important even though it brings back bad memories because given the distance and objectivity a fictional story gives us we can see that it really isn't reasonable to feel responsible for events wholly out of our control. 
> 
> Poor Jen, she is a wreck and that isn't going to go away overnight. We will take that issue up in the next chapter and also explore a little of what Josh is experiencing as this chapter is pretty Jen focused. Men and women definitely experience these things differently and losing a child can either make you closer or rip your relationship apart.


	22. Fighting Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Jennifer continues to struggle with her grief over losing the baby Josh makes a desperate and reckless move. Will his attempts push her forward or will they set their relationship back?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the last chapter was a real downer and I appreciate those of you who left me feedback about it. This chapter picks up 6 months later with Jennifer still struggling with the loss and Josh losing his cool about her current state of detachment. There are some interesting elements on this one and I would love to hear thoughts from any of you on it.

After our baby died my grief overwhelmed me. I spent the next six months forcing myself to take each breath. Even now I can’t imagine ever being happy again. Evie has adapted and seems to no longer notice my disassociated state. She chatters on happily telling me about her toys and how big her dolly is growing. I try not to make eye contact with Josh. Every time I do I see how sad he is and how much he needs me to shake this. Try as I might I can’t wake the passionate and driven woman that once lay within. Sleeping gives me some relief so tonight I am happy to turn in early since Evie has already worn herself out. Unconsciousness is really the only thing I look forward to. 

However, that peacefulness is shattered a short time later when I am torn from a deep slumber by a pair of strong hands picking me up and swinging me through the air. I let out a puff of air from the slight impact of Josh’s shoulder and the shock of being hauled like a sack of potatoes away from our bed. “What are you doing?” I demand. I struggle but he holds me tighter and gives me a firm slap on the rear. Did he just spank me? Hell no, he did not just go there. He remains silent despite my protests and doesn’t break stride as he marches straight to the beach and pitches me into the ocean.

The shock of the cold water is immediate and intense. Every nerve ending in my body is screaming holy shit get me the fuck out of here! Anger replaces disbelief in my chest but as I get up to confront him I am pushed back to the ground and my head held underwater. What is he doing? A moment later I am released and come back to the surface coughing and wiping the salty surf from my eyes. “What the fuck are you…” I start but am cut off when he wrestles me down and holds my head under the waves again. I am terrified now. He has finally lost it and means to murder me for everything I have put him through. 

When he loosens his grip and I find the surface again I hear his voice serious and eerily steady. “You want to die. No sense beating around the bush about it, let’s do it tonight.” When he pushes me back into the salty abyss I fight like a wild animal. My heart is thundering in my chest and adrenaline races through my veins. I would have been able to move him when we first came here but years of physical labor have ensured that I will perish at his hands tonight if he chooses. It is a cruel irony. For the arms that have held me and kept me safe so many years to end my life out of desperation at my abandonment and betrayal. When he pulls me back up to him I find my voice. “No” I plead. “Evie needs me.” He shrugs. “I’ll take care of her” he says.

He plunges me beneath the surface again and holds me down even longer. How could I have driven him to this? When he hauls me back to him moments later I see that his eyes have gone wild and I am desperate to break through to him. “She needs me” I scream. “You need me. You can’t do this, we have to have each other.” Suddenly I am in his arms and he is kissing me. I hear his ragged breath in my ear and words spoken in urgency and demanding need. “I’ve known that since the first time I saw you” he pants. “I just needed you to remember it too.” Now that the anger and fear have cut through the malaise, I feel desire surging through my veins as well. I open my mouth and let his tongue caress mine. My own needs the friction even more and moves to dance and mate with his. His groan of approval calls to me and my legs respond by straddling his hips and locking around him. I don’t think, I just feel all the delicious sensations he grows within me with his hands and mouth. The grip he has on my ass makes me wet and when my breasts brush his chest my nipples stand erect. 

I want that feeling to last forever but I am still in shock from his attack and I begin to tremble despite our passionate embrace. He breaks away and leads me back home where we strip in the darkness and then climb in our bed to hold each other. His touches are gentle and I cling to him and give in to all the weakness of the past year. He strokes my back for a long time and tells me that he loves me, that he is sorry for what he did but that he couldn’t stand one more day of living with my ghost. When my breathing calms he must believe I am asleep because he gets up to fetch Evie but I catch his wrist and hold firm. “Will you stay with me?” I ask and until he smiles the significance of the statement doesn’t register. “I would say always but it’s just too fucking cheesy” he says with a chuckle. It’s the first time I have heard him laugh since the loss we suffered and to my surprise I return it. “Says the man who did a toasting with me on our wedding night” I tease and pull him atop me. 

His hands skim over my body as if he’s not sure where he can touch. His kisses are suddenly hesitant like we are young lovers having their first time. His hands cup my breasts and I beg for more. It’s not until I guide his fingers inside of me that he realizes that my body is on the same page as his. I am positively dripping for him. With this discovery made he wastes no time pushing inside of me, finally closing the distance that has existed between us since the day we lost our child. We’ve been together since then several times, but not like this. We haven’t made love. 

I can feel his thrusts deep within and we maintain eye contact even as tears streak both of our cheeks. “I love you” I pant out to him. His eyes close and his face falls to my neck. How he has needed to hear me say those words. How I have needed the freedom to say them. “Sweet Jesus” he whispers to me. “You feel so good.” He’s almost gone now and his hand moves to my clit to do the stroking that will bring me with him. It is an amazingly strong orgasm and it demands my surrender. When my fluttering has ceased his straining face goes slack as he pulls out and shoots all over my stomach and chest. I smile to reassure him that this intimacy is welcome before wiping it away so that we can cuddle and rest. 

It isn’t easy to get out of bed the next morning but it isn’t as hard as it was sleeping without him. I do my best to cook while Josh hauls water and brings some fruit. “Not the pineapple” I tell him when he moves to put it on my plate. “That’s what I ate that morning” I explain and I don’t have to tell him what morning I am referencing. He gives it to Evie instead who plays with it another 20 minutes before finishing it off. That is how it starts, me communicating with him about what is bothering me. I try to avoid the little things that trigger my sadness and deal with the big ones that cannot be ignored. 

The worst are the phantom baby movements. Sometimes when I am still I can swear I feel him stirring inside of me or sense a small kick at my ribs. On those days I struggle but Josh and Evie are here to draw me back again. Evie learns to swim and it becomes something we can do as a family. We time her to see how long it takes for her to paddle to shore through the shallows and come back. While she is away our hands wander beneath the surface leading to heavy breathing and promises of revenge come nightfall. 

I visit the grave a few times a week and start to sing to him. Evie finds this enchanting and I teach her Tears in Heaven and It is Well (my grandmother would like that). As I heal she grows with me and after a time Josh remarks on how happy and brave she has become. The last time it stormed she threw stones at it defiantly and she has started to assign herself chores around the house. My husband and daughter have given me renewed purpose and vigor but I still struggle with feelings of guilt and responsibility for the tragedy. 

One evening we walk along the beach, Josh and I hand in hand, Evie running much farther ahead. “I want to name him” I say and it probably seems an out of the way comment. Sometimes I forget that he isn’t actually in my head with me all the time. If he does find the statement strange he doesn’t mention it. “Ok” he responds. “I just” I start feeling the need to explain myself. “I just can’t bear to think about our son as him, or it, or the baby, or the child. It feels so cold.” We continue walking in silence and he caresses my hand with his thumb waiting for me to continue. “I’m not ready to let him go honey. I may not ever be, but I know I need to start dealing with it better and I’m trying. I know I can’t even start moving on until I name him, I guess in my heart I already have.”

He stops and turns me toward him and I look stubbornly at the horizon. Evie is talking a mile a minute to herself or to some friend that only she can see. “It’s alright baby” he assures me. His hand comes up to caress my face before pulling my head down so that our foreheads touch. “What did you name him?” he asks softly. “Zachary” I answer hesitantly. It is completely presumptuous and unfair for me to name our child without his input but I’ve become attached to calling him that in my mind and I don’t want to give it up. “It’s fine love” he tells me and I hear the hitch of emotion in his voice. “Why did you settle on that?” I fight back my own tears. I have plenty of time to cry later. I want to have this conversation with him. 

“Do you remember what you told me about burying him by the others?” I ask and he nods. “Well…Zachary was a name my brother and sister in law considered when Bear was born. It means remembered by God. I mean no matter what happens no one else will ever think of him or miss him but us.” He pulls me close and holds me so tight I can barely breathe and for once I feel like the embrace isn’t really for me. We might clutch each other so close forever except that Evie has returned and wants to be told stories before bed. 

When story time is over we lay her in her own bed now that Josh has returned to mine. It took her a while to get used to sleeping alone again but a few evenings of whimpering was worth a return to intimacy. Laying in his arms that night I broach a topic that has been on my mind for a while. “We haven’t done any acting recently” I observe. “No” he confirms “not in a long time.” It’s been such a long road for us since we lost Zachary and before that my pregnancy took a lot out of me. It’s been well over a year. “Do you want to?” I ask him. “No" he says quietly, surprising me with his decline. 

He kisses my forehead and cuddles closer. “I want to tell you a story” he continues. “It’s a preliminary script actually. I don’t have all the details yet but I have a good map of the plot and I’ve been working through it in my head.” Now I am very curious. He’s been talking about directing for as long as I have known him but he has never tried to do his own writing before. I remove my hand from his thigh because he will never finish a story with me provoking him that way. I move it to his shoulder as I settle in to listen to the ideas that he has come up with. 

He has an intriguing voice and is a born story teller and it isn’t long before I am completely immersed in the world he is creating. The narrative is based around a young man who feels isolated and lonely. He is very talented and successful but despite of and maybe even because of his success he feels distant and cut off from others. He meets a woman online who shares his interests and who is even more gifted than he and they form a really strong connection but they live on different sides of the country and have drastically different lives. She is engaged and has a child with another man and he has a drinking problem that no one knows about, not even her. 

They go through a lot of trials over the years but they are always there for each other. At first it is because of their common interests but over time the relationship is based more on their love for each other than it is on their mutual talent and brilliance. She goes through and survives a bout with cancer and he loses his brother, the one person in his family that cared about him and tried to understand him. They meet up every now and then for sex and to ease each other’s loneliness but they never try to make a real ongoing romantic relationship work because neither wants to make the big changes that it would take and both fear losing the other if it doesn’t work out. It isn’t our story but it is filled with experiences and themes common to both of our lives. 

“So what happens to them in the end?” I ask. “I don’t know” he answers. “I can’t come up with an ending that I can live with.” I pinch him and he yelps in pain and surprise. “You mean you told me that awesome story and you don’t even have a cool ending?” I complain. “Now I am going to be up half the night wondering what became of those two stubborn assholes.” I am teasing him but it really is a great story and the next night he tells me another. This one about a man who overcame all kinds of obstacles in his life and made lots of money but no matter what he did he could not escape the thoughts and feelings of failure. His brother and he had been playing together as kids and his brother ran into the street and was killed. He was older and felt responsible and so nothing he ever did felt like it was enough to make up for it. It wasn’t until he had his own children and taught and developed them that he felt any true redemption. 

 

We spend a lot of time discussing Josh’s stories. Each one of them is like a little part of him and I find myself wondering at all the little mysteries they reveal about the man that I love. After a time I start creating my own stories too. The first is about a woman with a sick child. The child’s father left when he was born and the mother is incredibly lonely but she won’t date anyone because she feels guilty that her son is so sick. She thinks that she is betraying him if she goes out and lives the life he isn’t getting to have. The child eventually gets well but even then she holds herself back because she irrationally believes that it was her sacrifices that made him well and if she eases up for a moment and gets her own life he could fall ill again. 

I tell him that story and dozens of others. We talk about characters who face imaginary problems and their nonexistent feelings. That is how I start to process what happened with Zachary. I can’t deal with it head on but I can tell stories about people who dealt with similar things, who had all of the same emotions and conflicts that I did. Some of them are stupid but some of them have a lot of potential. I will never remember them but Josh will. His near perfect memory stores up my words as they pour out of my heart and mind and we will definitely record many of them if ever given the opportunity. 

One night while Evie sleeps we listen to the rain pelting our little shelter and Josh starts a new tale, speaking quietly so as not to wake her. Flashes of lightning illuminate his profile occasionally and the gentle rumble of his voice mixes with the thunder rolling in on us from across the sea. The mixture of man and nature heightens my senses and the truth and wisdom of his words feel as though they are coming from the earth itself, traveling the cosmos to reach me. 

He tells me of a man who lived in Poland during Nazi occupation. He loved his wife and children more than anything and built a large trade business so that he was able to provide for them well. When the country fell to the oncoming armies they were warned by others to flee but the borders were closed and they couldn’t get out. He was intelligent and well connected and managed to bribe a former business associate to hide them in the basement of an outbuilding of a farm he had inherited. 

It was a very difficult life but they survived a couple of long years hiding beneath the floorboards. The man who was hiding them shared horrendous news that many of their family and friends were killed or deported. He suffered much grief and shame that he wasn’t able to protect his bride and their small children but vowed to keep them alive no matter what. They obviously had little to no privacy but when their children slept soundly he would enter his wife and look into her eyes as he gave her his love. He knew that it was dangerous but he couldn’t keep his sanity without giving and taking with her. She was his life line to his humanity. 

Eventually, someone told the authorities they were hiding on the property. The police came and made a thorough search but did could not discover the trap door to their compartment. They thought they had escaped when the man who had been hiding them came back and locked their door from the outside and lit the building on fire. It had been a close call and he was too afraid they would be discovered next time and that he and his family would be sent away. 

The chamber filled with smoke and he beat and beat on the door and walls until finally the flames weakened the structure enough that he was able to break through. He found a shovel and killed the man who had set the fire but by the time he returned his young son had stopped breathing. The man felt many emotions that night and discovered several crushing realities. He managed to recover from all but one in time, but that one would eat at his soul and destroy him forever. 

“Which one?” I asked. “Which one couldn’t he live with? That he killed a desperate man or that his son died?” Josh is quiet for a while and the expression on his face is pained. “Neither” he tells me. “He could accept the death of the man because it was necessary to protect his family and he could cope with the death of his son because it was the fault of others. What he could not handle was the relief he felt. The relief that although his son was gone, his wife still lived.” A tear falls and makes a track down is cheek while I process his confession. All these months as I have wallowed in despair and guilt that I didn’t do enough to save our son, he has suffered from the torment of being relieved that I survived. 

“Josh” I say taking is head and pulling it to my breast. I kiss his forehead and cheeks and rock him gently while I smooth his hair and face. “You didn’t hurt him” I plead with him. “You didn’t kill him. There was nothing you could have done. You loved him. You’d give up your life to bring him back I know you would.” He reaches up and grabs my chin to still my voice. “Yes” he says with a grimace. “But I wouldn’t give up yours.” I continue to hold him as he shakes with emotion and the strong and willful woman reemerges inside of me to protect him. 

“That’s stupid” I insist defiantly. “It’s a false choice. You didn’t choose between us. Zachary was stillbirth because he came early. Nothing you could have felt or said or done would have spared him. You don’t have to feel guilty about loving me and having a life that isn’t awful.” After a few more minutes of holding each other he kisses me and looks me in the eye. “I’ll try” he tells me. “I’ll try to remember that and move on and forgive myself if you promise that you will too.” I nod my head shakily and burry my face in his neck. I will try. I will fight harder than I ever have for anything. Josh and Evie deserve that and maybe I do too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Josh takes some pretty rash action at the start of this chapter and I am interested in your thoughts on that. Like Jen I would be scarred shitless if my husband did that to me but you would get pretty frustrated if your partner couldn't get herself out of her own head enough to be a present mother or wife. This would especially be true if they were your only option for help and companionship. They both confront and deal with some heavy things in the this chapter and that theme will be explored further in the next chapter. Please let me know what you thought of this one, the naming of Zachary and of their story telling copying and communicating mechanism.


	23. The Battle Within

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A year after her Baby's death Jen continues to wrestle with her anxiety and the strains it is putting on her family. It is a war she has been fighting all her life and she really needs to win this battle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to all who have been following this story. Your feedback and faithfulness mean so much to me as I continue to craft this tale and develop these characters. This chapter dives a little deeper into PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder and some of the symptoms that can be expressed with it. Every person's journey includes stress and anxiety so it is a topic that resonates with each of us but we all experience it differently. For those who have wrestled with PTSD or an anxiety disorder or who have been close to someone who has we find that it is a long war but that winning each battle we face is important to quality of life and preserving and improving relationships with others. 
> 
> I wasn't sure if I wanted to include this kind of content in a work of fanfiction like this that has been so humorous at times because I would never want to make lite of such a serious issue. But an experience like this would induce PTSD in most people and anxiety is a subject that we ought to speak more and not less about in our society. Someone like our character Jen who suffers from a hyper sense of anxiety under normal circumstances would undoubtedly escalate given what she has been through. I didn't want to take the cowards way out and back away from a topic that I clearly set the scene for in previous chapters so here goes.

On the first anniversary of Zachary’s death we are still struggling but we are doing it together. Tears come sometimes when I don’t expect them but I no longer cry daily. Evie is a bright and inquisitive four year old. She knows all of her letters and her numbers to 100. She has taken to crafting stories of her own and is very animated when she tells them. She is fiercely protective of both of us which is completely adorable and speaks well for her social and emotional development which had originally been a cause for concern for us given our isolation. She needs an education and I am saddened that even if we were in LA she could never go to public school like I did. Her life will never be care free and normal. Stay here or return there are a host of dangers and challenges that face her. She would always be viewed by the press as the Hunger Games child and the crash and the mystery and adventure that surround our survival here would be of intense interest. Our daughter would not be spared the opinions and scrutiny of virtually everyone.

In many ways she has a good life here. Her mind is growing and her imagination expands by the day. We have lots of time and energy to invest in her and she is cared for by parents who are deeply in love. Her days are full of working with us to accomplish the goals we have all set together and we make a point to include her during our conversations at meal time. Necessity is the mother of invention and I would dare to say often of progress and growth as well. We need her to contribute and she does. She can now be trusted to roam freely to gather fuel for the fire. She knows how to wash clothes and to harvest and tend the garden. Due to her environment she is more equipped to survive on her own than most adults I have known. 

Josh and I have started acting again and are teaching her the basics as well. We continue our story telling and grow together from sharing so much of ourselves. When the weather gets hot we swim daily. When the rains come we hide in our shelter and make shadow puppets on the wall. On clear nights when we can sneak away we star gaze and screw a lot. Most of the time it is love making but sometimes we just fuck each other’s brains out to drown the feeling of loss from the crash, the separation from everything we have ever known, the death of our child, the fear of an uncertain future. 

Every time I take another step in my relationship with Josh I feel like we are as close as two people can be. I felt that way when we were best friends and co-workers, then when we were young lovers stranded in a dangerous paradise, and I feel it now that we are a family. I recall the part in the script when Gale tells Peeta that Katniss will choose whoever she can’t survive without. Well, my choice was made a long time ago and I have no doubts about who it is that I would never make it without. We need each other for food, shelter, companionship, love, affection, passion, and pleasure. I also need him to help keep my horrible nightmares and anxiety at bay. 

I have suffered from them off and on through the years and they are always worse after a big change or before a significant event. When we first came here they were awful. There have been times when night terrors have recurred frequently and periods when they have been absent for months at a time. Any progress I had made was completely obliterated when Zachary died. Things were eerily calm right after his passing during the worst of my depression but since then my nervousness and horrific dreams have returned with a vengeance. 

I wake with visions of burning bodies and lifeless infants in my head. I watch Evie starve, drown, and be taken by raging fevers. In my waking hours I find myself unconsciously checking my clothing for blood stains. The worst is when my mind conjures images of him holding me beneath the ocean waves or with his hands wrapped around my throat. Everyone was concerned about me when we shot that scene (especially him) but at the time it was no big deal and although it looked disturbing in the final release it was super light on set. When we shot it all we did was fool around and flirt the whole time. I never gave it a second thought. Now the memories and images are filtering back, dislodged somehow by and coupled with the incident we had on the beach the night he got physical with me. Those dreams are especially painful because they hurt both of us. 

Sometimes my cries and movements wake him and he is able to pull me back into reality, safe in his arms. Other nights I sit straight up in terror, sweat drenching my body, my heart pounding out of my chest. I want him immediately, even when he is the cause of my distress. One night I dream of flying again only this time Josh, Evie, and I are on some kind of family vacation. She is mesmerized by the world passing by as she stares out the window. We talk quietly to pass the time until the plane begins to jerk with turbulence. I try my best to stay calm but something feels really off. I pull back the curtain to ask the pilot only to find the seats empty. I only have time to scream before the impact.

My eyes fly wide open but process only darkness. My breath is coming fast and the air is so heavy and thick I feel as though I may suffocate. My body is frozen but my mind wills my arms to reach for my husband. When I do manage the jerky motion I find his side of the bed empty. “Josh” I scream in terror. Where the fuck could he be? He might be sick or hurt somewhere. He or Evie could be dead. Everyone could be dead. My mind fills with flames and blood. “Josh” I scream again my rationality dissipating fast. I lean over the side of bed and vomit up my feelings of anxiousness and terror along with my dinner. That’s when I hear his footfalls in the sand. 

In a moment I am lifted and sitting on his lap. We are awkward like this but he has found it to be most effective. Sexuality is a tricky thing when mixed with PTSD (which is what we have self-diagnosed me with). It can help alleviate stress but it can also cause me to be more fearful at times. I need comfort, to be nurtured and protected when I’m scared. He brings my face to his neck and rocks me while I inhale his familiar scent. Evie could sleep through a war so she doesn’t hear my pitiful whimpering or his gentle utterances. The tender stroking of my lower back and his calm steady voice lull me back into a state of relative wellbeing. 

When he slips back into bed beside me I curl up behind him and throw my arm over his waist. It is far too hot for cuddling but I fear the separation more than I desire to be comfortable. “Where were you?” I ask and my voice sounds really accusatory. I hate it. “Sorry” he says and I feel guilty because he is and that is ridiculous. “Too much fruit or something didn’t agree with me. I didn’t want to shit too close to our house.” I kiss the back of his neck and listen to his breathing until he nods off. This isn’t ok. I can’t keep doing this to us. 

I am quiet during breakfast the following day but Evie is happy to fill the silence. She has big fishing plans and a new story that her doll told her last night. He notices and holds my hand across the table. When our daughter runs off to play with her toys he brings over a container we used to use for water hauling before we built a bigger one. “I think this will work” he says, putting it at the foot of our bed. “If I need to go at night I can use it and then we can toss it later.” He is really proud of himself and I love him and it is tempting to let it slide. “No” I say quietly. He gives me a look of concern. “You need to be able to go to the bathroom by yourself” I continue. 

He starts to speak but I cut him off. “No hun. I know you’d do anything for me, you have nothing to prove. But it isn’t right. I need to start doing better than this. I need to be able to handle things. It’s too much pressure on you and I don’t want to make you bitter. I know you will always love me but if I’m falling apart all the time you won’t be able to trust me.” He lowers his eyes and I know that my words hit their mark. “This is a partnership” I tell him motioning to him and then back at myself. “Partners take care of each other. I need to be able to take care of myself if I’m going to take care of you.” 

It’s frustrating and embarrassing and tears start to sting my eyes but I force them back. He gives me a hug and kisses my forehead. “What can I do to help?” he asks. “The stories are helping” I offer. “But we need to think of some ways for me to start dealing with this shit better.” We brain storm and experiment with several different strategies. I wait until I find a day that I am really feeling good and then make a visit to the crash site alone. I haven’t been away from him for more than a minute or two in a while. I’ve become extremely clingy and I know it. 

My heart speeds up as a walk away from home but I force my feet to keep moving. It will be fine. I’m going to walk to the site and visit Zachary and walk back home. It is no big deal. I am an adult woman who has survived nearly a decade on a remote island. I can take a fucking walk without my husband. My mind races with thoughts of all the things that could happen while I am gone and my hands begin to shake as I sit by the tree Josh and I had our wedding picnic under. I take a few deep breaths. 

It’s time to talk about what happened. It’s time to tell somebody…anybody how wretched I feel about the whole thing. I’ve tried to have this conversation with Josh but he won’t allow me to berate the role that I played in it. He tries to comfort me, he won’t let me take on the full blame that I deserve. So I tell them: Liam, Woody, Francis, and Nina. It doesn’t happen all at once. The first time I stay only a few minutes. But each day I will myself to make the small journey and to stay a little longer each time. With every trip I gain more confidence and with each conversation I get more and more off my chest. 

We make little changes that help me cope. I ask Josh to wear what is left of one of his button up shirts for an hour or so each day and then I put it beside our bed at night. If I wake and he is gone or if I rouse from a dream and he is still sleeping I use it for a pillow and allow his scent to sooth me. It gives me some relief without putting undue burden on him. I avoid eating pineapple completely because I can’t separate it from memories of the morning I went into premature labor. We have listening sessions where we draw a line in the sand and one of us gets to talk until the tide reaches it. The other person must listen no matter how upset he or she is. When the water reaches the mark we draw a second and then it is the other’s turn. It’s incredible all the things I learn about him when I just shut the fuck up for five minutes and listen. 

I learn my triggers and how to manage them. My strongest ones are related to smell and sound. But I have also found my greatest counter measures to be the scent of my husband and the sound of our little girl laughing. It is best not to wait until I’m upset to talk about things and my strongest days are the ideal time to test the limits and spend more time on my own. When things do feel overwhelming I write stories, hundreds of stories in my head. It gives me a break from harsh realities without causing the long term dissociation I struggled with when we first lost the others and then after our baby died. 

Deep breathing is key. Hours and hours of deep breathing. Teaching my body not to be on hyper alert constantly. My emotions have always had a tendency to manifest themselves in physical ways: shallow breathing, vomiting, even bed wetting. That was something I thought I had left in the past a long time ago but during some of our most difficult times here we haven woken to soiled linens. It is impossible not to feel humiliated when it happens. 

One night I dream that we find Evie floating face down in the ocean. I scream and turn to see Josh burst into flames. I push him down into the shallow water as the fire reaches my skin too. The heat and pain are intense and he is calling for me in agony and begging for relief. I wake to the gentle shaking of my husband and urine soaked sheets. He’s holding me from behind, capturing my arms against my body. They are covering my chest in a defensive posture and he holds them firmly. It is a comforting rather than an aggressive restraint and I relax in his embrace. 

When I am recovered enough to feel embarrassed I apologize. “I’m sorry hun” I say miserably. He lets me push myself up and I move to change my clothes. “Its fine Jen” he insists stripping our bed. I try to continue but he holds his hand up to silence me. “Stop, you have nothing to apologize for, nothing to be ashamed of. Your body is still working through the trauma. It’s a natural reaction to everything that’s happened. I understand.” Says the man who has cried maybe twice in the last decade. The one whose emotions are always tucked away perfectly in every neat little drawer of his superior mind. The husband whose boyish good looks have endured and whose body has hardened to perfection while mine has been stretched and scarred by injury, illness, sun exposure, and pregnancy. God, I am so sick of this shit!

“No” I say firmly. “No, you don’t understand. Nothing ever bothers you and if everything I’m going through is so normal why have you been able to skate by with a smile?” He looks stricken by my accusation but quickly masks his hurt and frustration. “Everyone deals with things differently” he says reasonably. So reasonably, he is always so fucking reasonable. “Yeah” I shoot back. “Some of us become superman and some of us are just fucking head cases.” My voice is rising and filled with anger. I want to hurt him, bring the king down from his pedestal and back with the mere mortals. It isn’t fair and I hate my inferiority. I’m about to get in his face and lash out again when Evie intervenes.

“Stop” her little voice protests. Her hands are covering her ears and her lower lip is clenched between her teeth. When I see her I come to my senses and relax my aggressive posture. “Why are you yelling at Daddy?” she asks innocently. “We were just having a little disagreement” I tell her. “Because you have bad dreams and you wet the bed again” she observes. Jesus, even my four year old knows how pathetic I am. I didn’t know that she was that aware of the problems. “Don’t worry Mommy” she says patting my leg. “Daddy won’t stop playing with you. You are the only friend he has.” 

My immature rant diffused, we continue on as normal. The moment has passed but the consequences remain. Evie hit the nail on the head. Josh won’t stop loving me. I’m as confident of that as ever. But is this romantic/sexual version of our bond just the result of our lack of choice? I don’t know. It’s intense and exquisite now that we have it but it was pretty much forced on us. When we had more options, we didn’t choose each other. That haunting reality hangs over us every now and then and stubbornly refuses to ever disappear completely. 

I’m a horrible wife for attacking his superior coping skills. I know he restless with a ton of guilt over what happened with Liam and then with Zachary (albeit for completely different reasons). Then what did I go and do? I insinuated that he didn’t care as much about them as I did. It wasn’t exactly what I said but it is what he heard. Dammit, I have to do something to make this right. Why the hell do I hurt the man that I love so much?

When we have a moment alone I hold his face and force him to look at me, to meet my eyes while he listens to what I say. “I’m so sorry baby. You loved everyone just as much as I did and I know you miss them every day. I was just so fucking mortified that I peed the bed again and I didn’t know how to deal with those feelings so I lashed out at you. I know you love me and are going to stand by me but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like a freak when I do these things. Nothing you did was wrong, I was wrong, so fucking wrong. Please don’t keep hurting about what I said. I didn’t mean it and whatever you want me to do to make it up to you I will.” 

“Anything?” he asks raising his eye brows and moving his hand to lift the bottom of my skirt. I roll my eyes at him. Of all times to decide to be a funny man. He lets out a long breath. “Seriously Jen, if anything is on the table I am going to hold you to it.” I nod. “Anything” I confirm. “I want you to keep on trying” he tells me. “Keep fighting for yourself every day. I’m crazy about you no matter what. You can piss on me every morning and I won’t complain as long as I get to wake up beside you. I don’t think you are insane or a freak. I think you are a person who has been through a lot and who is brave enough to work through it rather than avoid it. But I want you to keep getting better for you. I want you to feel confident and have the self-assuredness you crave. And I am going to be here to watch that part of your journey and I am going to continue to be so fucking proud of you.”

Is it possible not to love a man who says that to you? Besides being pretty damn adorable and supportive, my genius husband is also completely right. I keep fighting and most days are better than the last. His confidence in me means a lot and I do my best to live up to his expectations. I wonder sometimes what would have happened to me if it would have been one of the others who had survived. How would I have dealt with things had I been here with Woody, Nina, or Liam? I shudder. I think I know the answer and it does not speak well of me despite all the progress I have made towards rebuilding myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos to Panda who I had some fun dialogue with after I posted the last chapter. I hope you all found this one interesting as well. I got an Evie update in there so you can see how she is growing and changing as well. I would love to hear about what resonated with you in this section. Mine are below:
> 
> “Everyone deals with things differently” he says reasonably. So reasonably, he is always so fucking reasonable. - I have definitely been in fights where my thoughts and feelings were coming from the heart or the gut and the other person had to go all rational on me and it just made me more pissed. 
> 
> It wasn’t exactly what I said but it is what he heard.- This is major character development. It is the next level of a relationship and the insight that it takes to be successful in it.


	24. Big News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer and Josh pass the 10 year mark on the island as they watch their daughter grow, celebrate the holidays, and get a couple of pieces of big news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone who has continued to follow this story, I know it has taken me a really long time to write it and I appreciate your patience. The last three chapters have been pretty heavy and dark but this one is a lot more fun. Although as always it is mostly about Jennifer, we get a lot more of Evie in this one so if you like that dynamic this one is for you. I also included some Smut because, well pretty much just because I wanted to.

By the second anniversary of Zachary’s death I have made enormous progress. I feel like a new woman. I am also pregnant again. I’d like to say that we talked it through and made the decision to try for another but truth be told we just couldn’t stay away from each other and a baby is what happens when you have sex. It feels right to be with my husband and the baby that resulted is welcome and loved despite the fears lurking in our hearts and minds. 

This time I let neither excitement nor anxiety build before I share the burden. I tell him that I suspect that I might be the moment that my breasts become tender and my stomach queasy. My periods have been irregular since my last birth so it is difficult to tell for sure if I’m late. A week later we are all but positive as it still hasn’t arrived and my dinner is revisiting us each morning bright and early. We smile at each other through tears. We are afraid to feel anything. Scared that being happy means that we replaced Zachary, terrified that this child might suffer the same fate. More horrified still that a lack of joy signals indifference and that we don’t appreciate a second chance. 

We have to do some beach listening. “I want this baby” I tell him. “I want it so badly but I am so afraid that I will fail this one too.” He opens his mouth and shuts it again remembering that it is my turn to talk and that he can’t refute anything I say until it is his turn. “And I can’t help feeling super guilty. Like I am replacing our son. Like I get a second chance but he doesn’t. It’s just really overwhelming. All of this joy and dread at once. I need you to keep me honest. Don’t let me be a shitty mom to this baby or to Evie or a shitty wife to you. I’ve been doing really good but having a baby inside of me again is making me so nervous and I have all this extra energy which I shouldn’t because its first trimester and I ought to feel wiped out. No matter how scared I am I can’t not be happy though. I love you and I’m having your baby again and I can’t not be excited about it.” I’m rambling so much that I’m out of breath by the time the waves reach the mark and I’m glad it’s his turn because I’m starting to feel a little nuts. 

He takes a moment to gather his thoughts and draw his line a little further up the beach before he begins. “You’ve never failed at anything” he tells me. “And you’ve never been a shitty wife or mother. It’s taken both of us 100% every day everything we have to get this far. I have to admit that as much as I love you I don’t get all your mixed up feelings most of the time. But this time I do understand because everything you just said is exactly how I’m feeling too. I miss Zachary. I worry about you and Evie. But I want our family and everyone in it and you guys make every hurt that has ever happened to me worth it.” 

He stops and runs his hand through his hair before continuing. He is nervous which makes me all the more curious about what he has to add. “I get these feelings, up here in my chest” he says putting his hand over his heart. “Every time you tell me you’re pregnant or I see how your belly is growing I feel ridiculously proud of myself. It makes me feel really good to know that I did that to you and its completely macho and out of place. I should feel awful that I put you in danger and I worry about it but I still like that you’re knocked up.” His expression shows his conflict and contrition and I want to laugh and cry at the same time. God, the completely unnecessary burdens that he carries. Of course he puffs out his chest when his wife is pregnant. That is what men do, it’s their nature and it’s his baby and he should be proud. 

I’ll never convince him though, the guy holds himself to an unbelievably high standard and it isn’t my turn to talk anyway. So instead of breaking the rules I bend them. I take his face in my hands and he stops speaking moments before my lips descend to silence him. Our kisses don’t stay chaste for long. Evie fell asleep shortly before we came down here so there is no worry that she will interrupt as he pulls me closer to straddle his lap. My clit throbs as he rubs his cock against me through our clothes and I can’t hold back the little whines and whimpers that begin to escape my mouth. 

It’s a little chilly this evening (at least for us) so he has to remove my shirt to get to the flesh he wants to feast on. He usually removes the buttons slowly, taking time to tease me, kiss every freckle and blemish that I have. Tonight he can’t get the cumbersome garment off fast enough. When he’s tossed it away his lips find my pulse point quickly. His tongue tastes my collarbone and my breasts fill his hands. His mouth is hungry and aggressive but his fingers are gentle, knowing that I am tender from the early stages of pregnancy. “Fuck” he pants into my neck before his kisses drop to my chest and his a hand slips under my skirt. “I swear your body was made just to please me.”

I drink his words of praise like a sapling does a spring rain. They strengthen me, help me grow. They have also guaranteed easy entry for the finger that pushes inside of me. He adds another and curls them forward to rub the spongy flesh within. I answer him with moans of encouragement but I don’t reach to give him any relief. I want him to wait. I want to see him hard as a rock, his head red and angry, begging for my attention. 

My body is loving the fingering he is giving me but I fight my orgasm until he adds his mouth into the mix. He sucks on my clitoris gently and then uses his tongue to circle the bud. I’m squirming and grasping at his hair. There is no use resisting now. He could conquer any woman in a matter of minutes with the smallest movements of his mouth. I cum with a shout of his name and pulse with pleasure and release but it isn’t good enough for him and he doesn’t back off until I have surrendered to a second climax. 

I move to take him in my mouth but he turns me around instead. “No fair” I protest. “I want to suck you off” I insist. “I need your cunt now” he says in a pained voice. I turn my head and see just how uncomfortable his hard on is as he pulls his shorts down. A smile graces my lips at his distress right before he plows into me from behind. God, I am full and he hits me so deep from this angle. It feels fantastic to share this dirty position with him. I like it this way. Him taking what he wants, me giving everything up. But his thrusts are measured even after I’ve fluttered around him again. I am also still a little miffed that he didn’t let me blow him when I wanted to. 

A grin tugs at my mouth even as he pounds into me once again, pushing us as closely together as is physically possible. He is going to cum for me and it is going to happen on my terms and exactly when I want him to. And it is going to happen before I orgasm again. We’ve been together a long time and he finds me very sexy (not sure why though since I am so awkward and my body has been completely torn apart from childbirth and this damn island). I know what makes him tick and I know how to push his buttons. And I also know that one thing that he can’t resist is my voice. “Ohhh, Joshua” I whine in my sexiest tone, deep for a woman and uniquely mine. I feel a burst of excitement because his thrusting turns erratic. He will blow his load now. I never say his full name unless he is fucking me and one utterance will send him spiraling out of control. 

He has a death grip on my hips as he shudders and pulses inside of me and his groans denote his deep satisfaction with our coupling. Afterward, I leave my shirt open as we cuddle on the blanket. It is dark now and I can barely make out his profile as he runs his fingers over my belly. “You’re incredible you know that?” he asks me. I duck my head feeling of all things a little bit shy at the compliment. I lay it on his chest and breathe the cool ocean air as I listen to the steady beating that is always here with him. “Can you feel my heart beating?” he asks so quietly that I almost miss it. “Yes” I answer with certainty. “Then we are still in love” he finishes. 

The next few months are wonderful ones, some of the best of my life. With the guilt and anxiety under control, Josh and I love and play together. We build sand castles with Evie and she comes up with plays for us to perform. Let me tell you, those are some interesting plays. We laugh at her budding imagination and marvel at her sharp wit and brilliant intellect. She is an interesting mix of the two of us. She is high energy and a bundle of emotions like me but has Josh’s protective nature and high IQ. Our little girl is a miracle. 

She is flying high by the time of her fifth birthday and is completely over the moon when she discovers that her father has made her a sling shot. She is loud and rowdy at times and I love her to pieces. I always wanted to be a mother and when I pictured my daughter I always thought of a miniature version of myself. I anticipated that we would have an immediate connection and a deep understanding of each other. I have found that to be partially true. I have a bond with her that could never be severed and I would do anything to ensure her health and happiness. But there are aspects of her personality that are completely different than mine and our interests are often polar opposites. She is fascinated by the natural world and the mechanics of how things work. She is also far more likely than I to notice and recall details and insists on their importance. In short, we are very different people but I wouldn’t change a thing. Maybe she will grow up to be an engineer or a researcher and give the world something far more useful than being an actress… or maybe she will die alone here on this island. 

 

The weather is unusually temperate and the rains manageable. Our food supply stays steady and my morning sickness fades quickly by the end of my first trimester. I enjoy watching Josh and Evie dive together and she caught her first fish yesterday. We take walks in the evening and star gaze and dream out loud together at night. When the baby starts to move it pricks my nerves at first, a physical reminder that the delivery draws ever nearer but the movements are also a source of comfort. As long as I can feel him moving I know he is alright. Josh’s hand is glued to my abdomen day and night and I discover for the first time in our entire history together that I do have some boundaries. I don’t ask him to stop though. I know that he needs physical reassurance that our child lives just as much as I do. 

 

With Christmas just a few days away Evie and I have been brainstorming a new dish to cook for Daddy. She has also been outlining a Christmas program she would like us all to perform. It’s called Animal Christmas in which we are all different species and the animal king which is a lion (and will be played by her of course) wants all the animals to work together to make a big present but they are having trouble because they can’t talk to each other because they all make different sounds. The lion eventually solves this problem by teaching them all to roar and then he gives them the directions and they make the present (which is a big sling shot). While Josh and I have been in productions with a more sophisticated plot at least her play has a discernable one. We have also been in some stuff that didn’t even have that. It’s hilarious to take our cues from our little director and we have both enjoyed working on this project tremendously. 

At night time we work on her gifts. Josh has made her a toy boat for her animal figurines as she has been talking about it since I read her the story of Noah’s Ark from the Bible. She thinks we are quite short sighted for not making such a thing before the plane crashed so that we wouldn’t have ended up stranded. I have also made some new clothes for her which she will not care nearly as much about but she needs them. It’s been getting more and more difficult for me to help outside of house work due to the advanced stages of my pregnancy. We discussed it and decided against intercourse from here on out just in case. That has freed us up to spend more time on holiday preparations, not that we haven’t had some oral here and there to keep our bodies from rebelling against our better judgement completely. 

It’s amazing how different Christmas feels to me with a baby I love so desperately fluttering in my womb. He is an improbable child, conceived by two best friends that thought that they would never be lovers. It’s a miracle we even survived the crash, let alone the 10 years that it took to get us here. But here we are: a husband and wife about to add to their family. Once you lose a baby you notice every little movement of the next. You are hyper aware of everything that can go wrong and you can fully appreciate how good it is when it doesn’t. This year I carry a most precious child. A son or daughter that represents everything that we have overcome and everything we hope to be. 

That is my mindset when I open my eyes on Christmas morning to Evie’s excited squeals that Daddy has built a boat for her creatures. Josh’s hand rests on my enormous belly and mine on his as we watch her load the toys and take them on several trips around the world. Her imaginary universe is giant even if she has never been more than a few miles away from where she was born. We eat the new recipe Evie and I concocted. It’s ok but Josh pretends it is amazing so that she is smiling ear to ear the entire meal. It feels familiar; him pretending something is better than it really is just for someone else. Just to make her happy.

We put on our play to the thunderous applause of the ocean waves and our audience of wooden toys and rag dolls. I get caught up in the magic of the day and let myself dream of the baby who will be with us next year. He will be strong. He will be healthy. Already enough time has passed that I am in the clear to have him any time and he should be close to full term. At Evie’s request I sing. “Daddy likes it when you sing” she reminds me. I sing every Christmas song we can think of until she is sound asleep in her bed. 

I’ve held off on Silent Night until we are holding each other beneath a blanket of brilliant stars. Maybe because it was what he asked me to sing the year that we first came here. Maybe because it is the first time it has been quiet enough to appreciate it all day. We don’t talk, we don’t need to. We just enjoy the cool night, the twinkling sky, and the Christmas carol, written long ago by someone as much in awe of life as us at this very moment. It’s the perfect way to close out another year of our life together. 

We’ve lived here for over a decade now but it might has well be a century. The rest of the world is so removed from my present reality that it no longer holds much meaning. The island, which once seemed so strange and foreboding is now the only place that registers as familiar. Our home is comfortable most of the time and the ocean and our garden and orchard provide ample and sustainable sustenance. We have fun every day and when you work to care for the people you love the work is rewarding no matter how menial it is. 

Without the excitement of Christmas to distract us it is hard to ignore that my time is drawing near. It could be any day. He watches me, day and night for a sign. I try to calm him with soft kisses and a reassuring touch. We both wake from nightmares of losing yet another part of our selves. “It’s going to be ok baby” I tell him before walking down to clean up before lunch. It isn’t particularly hot today but the extra weight keeps me sweating buckets no matter what the temperature. I look out and close my eyes as the ocean breeze hits my face. I will never tire of the scent of the sea. 

The sun is high in the sky and I have to blink a couple of times to clear my vision. That is when I see him. My heart freezes in my chest and fear grips my belly. There is a man on the beach. A look of total shock covers his face. His body is covered with a military uniform of some kind. Behind him is a big ship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Booooom! I bet you didn't see that ending coming. It comes out of the blue, but that was intentional. Some of you have been anticipating the rescue and some of you have been dreading it but it is finally here. Phase two of this story has come to a close and it ended up being a few chapters longer than I had originally planned. I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings on this chapter and on bringing their time on the island to a close. 
> 
> The next section of the story has a very different feel to it. It is all still written from Jennifer's point of view and is heavily reliant on her inner dialogue but there are a lot more characters and things happen much more frequently. The intimate nature of two people being the last beings on earth dynamic disappears and all of the blessings and challenges of being back in the real world emerge. If you have ideas about how the dynamics should play out please feel free to share. 
> 
> I have been updating this work about every other week with a chapter of approximately 3,000 - 4,000 words. That worked well for the first two phases of the story because of how the narrative chunked out but the third phase moves a lot faster because more things actually happen but they tend to be smaller and less dramatic. I could change how I am posting and update it more frequently but in smaller sections but it would mean adding content to chapters multiple times before they are truly complete. If you are following this story regularly or intend to follow it let me know if you have a preference. I don't mind continuing to update periodically as I have been or doing it more frequently if you would like to get it more often in smaller doses. I know for me if people wait too long between updates I have to do a lot of rereading or I don't remember what the hell is going on.


	25. The Rescue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After more than 10 years of living on the island Jennifer and Josh are discovered and able to return home. It is an emotional journey that leaves them wondering if things will ever be the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here is the chapter many of you have been waiting for and since so many of you were great at giving me feedback on the last one I am giving you this one early. I am going to start to introduce more characters. I will try to explain who new characters are in the notes ahead of time just in case you don't know. Although the original two were based at least in part on the personalities and some of the history of real people the new characters I am introducing really are not. Other than their names and their relationship to Jennifer and Josh they are completely fictional. We really know very little about their friends and family other than their names because they are not famous so I will just be giving them personalities and characteristics. Some are flattering and some are not so just noting that what they say and do is purely for the sake of a fictional story and reflects in no way on the actual people. 
> 
> Michelle Fightmaster: Josh 's Mother  
> Connor Hutcherson: Josh's brother  
> Ben Lawrence: Jen's Dad  
> Karen Lawrence: Jen's Mom  
> Ben Lawrence: Jen's Brother  
> Blaine Lawrence: Jen's Brother  
> Chris Hemsworth: Liam's brother (I hope you know who this guy is)

“Josh” I scream and waddle back home as fast as I can manage. The man doesn’t move to follow me and I think he is just as alarmed as I am. When I am half way there I see him racing towards me. “Jennifer” he calls to me and slides to a stop running his hands over my arms while I pant for breath, searching for what might be wrong. “Is it the baby?” he asks his eyes full of fear. “There’s a man” I get out. “A man on the beach and a boat too. They’ve found the island. They’ve found us.” He pulls me close and holds me a minute before kissing the top of my head. 

“That’s great” he tells me. He doesn’t sound convinced. Without realizing it I am shaking my head. He brings his forehead to meet mine. “We need this honey” he tells me. “The baby can be born with a doctor, we’ll have medical care for Evie. We’re going to see your mom again.” I suck in a breath. My mother. I have missed her so much and she’s still real. I am actually going to feel her arms around me and talk to her. I didn’t think I would again. 

He gestures with his head to the house. “Stay with Evie” he directs. “I’m going to go down and connect with the people who stumbled onto us.” I find her playing with her animals in the garden. She seems so fragile and innocent. I feel like we are about to shatter that with a hammer. I glance around the crops we have planted and the orchard that has grown. We won’t ever eat from the seeds we have sown. We are leaving. I give Evie a few more minutes to enjoy her play before I call her over. 

She isn’t sure what to think of what I tell her. She is curious about seeing the other people but fearful of leaving her home. “Can we bring my toys?” she asks. “Of course” I agree and start thinking of what we should pack to take with us. I walk around our open air house and our shelter and scan for things that we will need. It is impossible not to notice how far the shelter has come over the years. Originally constructed just to keep the rain off of us during downpours, it has been expanded to include a room for sleeping and a large compartment for storage. Over time we have taken apart all of the remnants of the plane to construct the roof and walls and tied it together and filled in the gaps with branches and caked earth. It looks like a broken heap of junk but it helps us stay dry and keeps the rain and the birds out of our extra food and everything we were able to salvage from the crash. I am stunned to discover that other than the trinkets we have made for Evie the only thing I really need to grab are my horses. Everything else was built for survival, not sentimentality and will easily be replaced with better versions from any Walmart. 

When Josh returns he explains that the ship is military and the small crew are from the Army Corps of Engineers. They are on a surveying expedition but realize that they will need to make a detour now that they have encountered us. “Did you tell them who we are?” I ask. He shakes his head. “Just that we have a little girl and that we crash landed here years ago.” There are reservations written all over his face. “They want to push on tonight babe. We need to get our stuff together. I think they are worried you are going to go into labor and they don’t have a physician with them. They agreed to take us to the nearest base and they can decide what to do with us from there.” 

I nod my ascent and refuse to cry as I gather our meager belongings. I talk about how great it will be to travel on a big boat and how we are going to see so many friends and family and how many cool toys will be there. I want it to sound like a grand adventure so that Evie won’t be frightened. As we approach the shore Evie reaches out her arms for Josh to carry her. He puts her on his shoulders so that he can still manage with his arms full of her things. The men come out to greet us and shake our hands silently in way of introduction. My stomach feels queasy. I’ve never been one to like being with strangers and I am completely out of practice with meeting new people. 

They take what little we have and load it before we all climb aboard. Evie slides down into her Daddy’s arms and buries her face in his chest refusing to look at the others. Luckily, they sense the reluctance of both her and I to interact with them and concentrate their conversation on Josh. When Evie realizes he will be the center of attention she scampers over to sit on what little is left of my lap. As the boat begins to pick up speed I cannot help the few tears that escape my eyes. Loneliness seeps into my chest as I head back to civilization because as I watch our home slip away forever, Josh sits in the middle of a table of laughing men. No doubt regaling them with tales of danger and adventure. 

It reminds me of the way things were before. He is a social butterfly, great at mingling, always the life of the party. I shouldn’t begrudge him this. He hasn’t had a conversation with another man in a decade. I just wish I didn’t feel so left out. As if he can read my thoughts he brings the small group over and introduces me more formally. “This is my wife Jennifer and our daughter Evelyn.” The men incline their heads. His eyes hold a question and I know he is looking for my input so I nod my head. He might as well tell them who we are now. We need to get word home to our families. 

“So guys” he begins. “I know this is going to sound crazy but do you remember that movie Hunger Games?” Some of them nod and one of the younger ones eyes go wide. “No way” he says. The others turn to look at him. “The stars of that show all died in a plane crash when I was in 8th grade. My sister loved that show. It’s you. Holy Shit, you’re Josh Hutcherson and Jennifer Lawrence.” That rings a bell for most of the others. They stare at us with an awe mixed with horror. Now they know who we are, how long we have been here. I get that icky feeling that I can’t trust them. Back to being famous.

The older man with graying hair recovers first. “Well, you are quite the survivors you two.” His words are kind and they aren’t what I am expecting. “We need to get word to our families” Josh tells him. “I know this is asking a lot guys” he adds addressing all the men. “But please don’t tell anyone else yet. I know you want to and I’ll give you pictures, autographs, you can do interviews later all you want. But for right now please don’t say anything. Look at our little girl. She’s just five and she has never seen anyone but her parents. Please don’t make this more of a zoo for her than it has to be.” The older man looks around at the others and nods. “Absolutely, Mr. and Mrs. Hutcherson. My men will control the message until you are delivered home. I’ll relay ahead to prepare for your arrival.”

I don’t believe them. One of them is going to tell. It’s just too tempting for people not to. As the trip wears on my anxiety builds. They give us ill-fitting clothes to change into and I eat everything that isn’t nailed down. It’s just military rations but I haven’t had potatoes or red meat since I was 25. We are sifting through the pantry when we discover a box of Hershey chocolate bars. Our eyes meet, twinkling with merriment at our good fortune. We practically run back to the cramped little table and rip a few of them open. Evie is intrigued by our enthusiasm and we hand her one too. 

“Contest” I say as I shove another piece in my mouth. “Speed or quantity?” he asks with grin. “Speed” I tell him. “Quantity would be unfair since it is two against one.” He laughs at my logic and we agree on some ground rules. “The whole bar” I tell him. “In your mouth or completely swallowed?” he asks for clarification. “Swallowed” I say with mock annoyance. “We want to give you some chance to win. I have a pretty huge mouth.” He can’t help himself. “Trust me baby, I know how much it’s capable of handling” he says with a smirk. Rather than devising a crushing reply I start the countdown. When I reach zero we both start devouring as fast as we can. It is pretty close. He says he won, I agree to call it a tie. Evie has been surprisingly quiet and when we look over she gives us a chocolate covered smile. We both laugh and say virtually simultaneously “she is definitely yours.”

By the time we reach the base I realize my mistake. The seasickness, rich food, and knowledge that we will be flying home soon force it back up again all night long. “I can’t get on that plane” I tell Josh after he finishes holding my hair back for another round. “It’s going to be alright baby” he soothes. “They have a doctor coming in the morning to check you out and he will be flying back with us.” 

Tears streak down my face and I shake my head. I am completely exhausted. “All I can think about is that dropping feeling in my stomach” I say. “Do you remember?” I ask. “You know, what it felt like?” He nods solemnly and leads me back to bed. He took two mattresses off of the bunks and put them on the floor so that all three of us can huddle together. “We have to go home Jen” he insists. “There are people missing us there who have been waiting a long time.” I think of my mother and my brother Blaine and the looks on their faces when they see that I am alive. I can’t wait to see them again. I am just afraid of everything else that will come with the dawn. 

I slip in and out of dreams for a few hours until I hear the bathroom door click shut. Josh is missing from the bed beside me and I sit up and lean against the frame waiting for his return. After a long while I hear the toilet flush and watch him pad cautiously down the short hallway. The clothes they gave us are one size fits huge people and the sleeves of his shirt cover his hands. He didn’t even bother with the pants, opting instead to don some grey PT shorts and oversized socks. He doesn’t see me at first so his demeanor and expression are unguarded. 

His hands cover the sides of his belly in a gesture I know all too well. He isn’t feeling well. The enormous clothing and his frightened expression give him an aura of vulnerability that I haven’t seen in a long time. He looks so…small. I’ve grown used to seeing him as stronger than me, as my immovable rock. He is just as scared as I am. When his eyes meet mine they widen for a second in surprise and then soften in gratitude when I open my arms. We huddle together on the floor by the bunk; two displaced children who only feel grown up when they are caring for each other. 

Being examined by a doctor feels incredibly strange. I haven’t been looked at or touched by anyone but Josh and Evie for so long that it’s a little bit like being abducted by aliens. The exam doesn’t take long though and they have something I desperately want. When they finally bring the tech in and move the wand over my belly I hear the joyous sound of my baby’s heart beating. Its little image fills the screen and the three of us stare at in in wonder. Evie, who just saw a television for the first time yesterday is speechless when we tell her that it is the baby that is inside of me. 

“Do you want to know the gender mom?” the tech asks politely. I look at Josh who shrugs his shoulders. He is usually up for anything but I hate surprises. “Yes” I tell her simultaneously praying that it’s a boy and also that it’s not. “Well” she says moving the wand around a little. “Whoa, yeah that’s definitely a baby boy in there” she says with a smile. She prints off some pictures for us and gives us a word of congratulations before she leaves and the doctor returns. 

He is an ancient African American man with the thickest glasses I have ever seen. How is this guy not retired? He sits down slowly and addressing me directly. “Your pregnancy is progressing just fine Mrs. Hutcherson. I think you still have two or three weeks to go but it would be in the clear to come any time and sometimes these things can happen quickly. Your cervix is still plenty thick and hard though. I would like to accompany you on your flight just to be sure but I would say it is safe for you to return home.” 

I nod my head but I feel like shaking it. I’m not going home. Home is where I just came from. Josh meets with the commander and learns that our flight will leave in a few hours. Our families have been notified and will be waiting for us at a private air field. Miraculously, nothing has broken in the press. I say a silent prayer for the men who delivered us here. It is the longest short wait ever. We spend the time picking out some more suitable clothing and the nurses at the clinic bring a coloring book and crayons for Evie but she doesn’t know what the area and has to be shown how to use them. She also discovers the wonder of stickers. 

When I see the airplane I panic. “No” a yell as Josh tries to drag me along. My outburst has caused Evie to be apprehensive as well and he can’t carry both of us against our will. My breathing is coming fast and I drop to my knees so that I don’t pass out. Josh walks over to the doctor and they speak in hushed tones. When he returns he holds and rocks me for a few minutes. When I see the old man again he is carrying a bottle of water and a small white cup with two pills in it. “This is going to help” Josh tells me. I hesitate. He puts his head in his hands. “Please just take them Jen” he pleads. “We need to get back and then we will figure things out. You don’t ever have to fly again if you don’t want to. Let’s just get the kids somewhere safe.” 

I lift the cup and swallow them both. I don’t remember much about the rest of the trip. When I do come to I am in a small bed with my sleeping daughter and my husband watching over me. “What time is it?” I ask. “I just asked and we will be landing in an hour” he answers. It’s almost over. After all this time I am going to be back in the states again. My head feels a little woozy but overall I feel much better. It’s amazing what getting some real sleep can do. I move to get up and find that I also have an IV in my arm. “You were so dehydrated” he tells me calling for a nurse who comes and removes it. 

He puts his arm around me and I rest my head against his. “Are you ready to see them?” he asks. A spark of excitement zips through me. “I’ve missed my mother so much” I sigh. “And my brothers and nephews. I know you can’t wait to see Connor. I need to catch up with Blaine, hear about what everyone has been doing. They will love Evie too. She is going to have a big extended family.” We are both smiling by the time it finally touches down despite our nervousness. 

Evie is still sleeping and although we hate to leave her alone we also would like to prepare our relatives before they meet her. We aren’t exactly sure what they may know about her. When we get the clearance to disembark we descend the ramp together. I can feel his hand at the small of my back, supporting and guiding me as we take these next important steps. I get a strong sense of Déjà vu. We’ve done this before. My mind zips back to another uncertain but exciting time. 

I’m wearing a gold dress and he looks handsome in his suit. His aura is calm and comfortable, I am trembling and struggling to breathe. His hand finds just this place on my back as we take the first few steps to the limousines that will deliver us to the waiting crowds. He pulls me a little closer and I bend my head forward so that he can whisper in my ear. “They love you already Jen. You can’t screw this up because you deserve it. We made a killer movie and all the hard work is done. What happens tonight doesn’t matter. You did Katniss justice and that is all these people could have asked for.” He’s always been there…my rock and he still is. 

As we make our way down the ramp I see them, a small gathering of people behind a glass wall. My family stands to the left: my parents, my brother Blaine and my brother Ben and his wife. On the right I see Josh’s mother and his brother Connor. I also see Liam’s brother Chris arching his neck and looking back towards the plane anxiously. I have no idea what they have been told about us but they are all wearing expressions with at least some degree of shock so I am guessing as the airport personnel pull the doors open to let us enter that they hadn’t been informed of my pregnancy. 

I know that we look different now and I had a chance to take a look at my full reflection in the body length mirror on base but it didn’t seem all that transformational. We could always see our reflections in the water though so I guess we have had time to adapt to the little changes over time. Josh is certainly more muscular than when we left and his hair is much lighter too. Our hands and feet have been roughened by work and our skin is deeply tanned (probably the most readily noticeable difference). My hair has grown to my waist and has been bleached by the sun. I would normally be a bit skinnier but right now I am plump with child. My belly is large and protruding as if I stuffed a basketball under my shirt and they can’t take their eyes off of it. I suppose it is rather surprising and has implications for both groups of people. There is no doubt that it is not what they were expecting. 

I glance down at it for a second as we step into the room and when I look up we are standing just feet away from them. No one moves or speaks and for moment; we just take each other in and a blip of fear grips me. I don’t know them anymore. I lean in closer to Josh as his hand on my back moves ever so slightly towards him and his thumb rubs up and down (his way of holding me without anyone else noticing). So we are back to our old tricks again. That thought makes me tired and a little bit scared. 

I take a deep breath and step forward. “Mom?” I get out just before she closes the last distance and gathers me in her arms. “Jennifer” she sobs. “My girl, you’re home.” Her voice is familiar even if her arms are weaker than I remember. “Mom, I missed you so much” I cry. My father and brothers gather round and we all embrace and a damn somewhere deep inside of me lets go. I sob and sob. I don’t need to be strong for them. They have been fine all of these years, together, taking care of each other. I am the one who has been gone, all alone except for my best friend. My mother’s hands fall to my middle and she smiles widely “Oh Jennifer, you are going to be a mother. My baby is having a baby.” 

When we finally break apart I see Josh stepping back from holding his crying mother. His face is dry. He reaches forward and shakes his brother’s hand before pulling him forward for a friendly half hug and a slap on the back. Men, ehhh… I am surprised they even managed that. Why not just give each other a fist bump or a high five? Chris is standing back trying to give us our moment but is visually agitated. Josh shifts his gaze toward him. “They called both of your families but we didn’t hear anything” he says. “The reports that came out yesterday said that they rescued 3 people. I contacted Woody and Nina’s people and they said they hadn’t heard from anyone either. I have no idea who to get ahold of for Francis. What happened to Liam? Was the other survivor one of the crew?” He is speaking so quickly I can barely understand him and his face is full of desperation. 

Josh moves forward and puts a hand on his arm. “Liam died in the initial crash Chris. I’m so sorry. He didn’t suffer though, he died on impact if not before.” He doesn’t know that for sure but I understand his desire to give the family some peace and it is likely true. “But they said there were three” he says in bewilderment. Josh meets my eye and gestures slightly with his head and I nod. “There were no other survivors from the plane” he says loudly enough for everyone to hear him. “The other person they rescued is our daughter Evie. She is five years old and still sleeping from the flight.” 

All eyes are on the two of us now and I suddenly feel very… judged. Our families both seem unsure how to react and my brothers are staring at the hand Josh has now returned to my waist. Chris is glaring daggers at us before he turns to march off. “The two of you didn’t waste much time mourning my brother did you?” he accuses before stomping off. I move to go after him but Josh catches my arm. “Let him go Jen” he warns me. “We just confirmed that his brother is dead. Let him have some space to deal with it.” I nod and let him pull me close to rest my forehead against his. That confrontation and his accusation are painful and I feel some old hurts reopen. 

Holding my husband feels so normal but when I realize everyone is still watching us it only makes things more awkward with our families. “Where’s Dad?” Josh inquires to break the tension. They have never been particularly close and up until this moment I had not even noted his absence. His mother looks at the floor and it is Connor who eventually offers up an explanation. “Dad was diagnosed with cancer about three years after you left. Treatments bought him a couple more years but he passed away in 2020.” Josh clenches his jaw and hugs his mother again. He offers his brother a quick nod before breaking down and giving him a real hug and an unneeded apology about not being there for them. 

I want to kiss him and comb my hands through his hair but find our current audience prohibitive. My folks engage me in some small talk about how big my nephews are getting and how many activities they are in until my mother’s face grows sad. “There is something we need to tell you honey” she starts. My heart sinks. “Pippi held on for a long time waiting for you to come home, but she just couldn’t make it. She died about six months ago. She would be so happy you’re home.” That is sad and I miss my dog but they are all looking at me like I am going to have a breakdown or something. “That’s too bad mom” I tell her. “I missed Pippi a lot while I was gone, but it will be ok.” They appear to be completely shocked that I am taking it so well, like they are waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Out of the corner of my eye I see Josh speaking with his mom and overhear her ask when she can meet her granddaughter. “I don’t know” Josh says. “Not today, she’s had a hard week and she’s still scared of everything. We want to give her some time to adjust before we introduce her to new people.” My family looks at me. This is something we discussed before arriving so I have no problem backing him up. “Josh is right” I say. “This would be too much for her at this point. We’ll work it out soon though and then you will all get to meet her.” 

They seem disappointed but accept our decision. My mother takes my hand and it feels so good to be nurtured by another woman again. “I thought you might want to go straight back to LA to meet with your team but this sounds like it changes things. I think you had better come back home with us to Kentucky to give your daughter some time to adjust before you throw yourself back in again.” I shift uncomfortably. We hadn’t thought that far ahead yet. I want to catch up with my folks but there will be a ton of family and friends in and out of my parents’ house and Evie doesn’t even know them yet. I’m not sure Josh will be comfortable there either and I would rather pick more neutral territory. That is when it occurs to me that neither of our families has yet to greet the other. 

I look to him for help. I can’t tell my mother no. Not when she has waited for me all this time. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I plead with him in my eyes, let him know that I don’t want to go. “I think we will need a smaller, quieter place for at least a few days to get adjusted” he suggests. “Well” my mother sputters a bit surprised. “We don’t have to have people over and of course Jennifer, you know he is welcome to stay with us too if he wants. You know your…friends are always welcome.” 

“Mommmm” I groan feeling like an embarrassed teenager. “Josh isn’t my friend anymore” I say in exasperation making the little quotation sign with my fingers when I say the word friend. “We’ve been married for years and we have a family together, our baby could be coming any day. We shouldn’t travel anymore.” Josh steps up beside me again and places one hand on my lower back and the other on the side of my belly. “I think we had better get a hotel around here and makes some calls to find a good OBGYN. Just camp out to get Evie more settled before the baby comes.” I smile at him. That sounds like exactly what I want to do: hide out from the rest of the world until I deliver… or maybe forever. 

My parents and Josh’s mother decide to stay in the city and wait for the birth. Seeing us together was a shock for them and they are all still getting used to the idea of us being a married couple. They were expecting to reunite with the kids who left on that trip, not the wife/mother and husband/father who returned. I make a point of hugging Connor before we leave and telling him that I always wanted a little brother. I also take time to sit with Michelle and bring her hand to my slightly rocking abdomen. The baby is kicking the tar out of me and I know she wants to be a part of this experience but is far too polite to ask. My children are after all, her only grandchildren. 

Josh tries his best to visit with my family as well but with less positive results. My mother and my brother Ben are warm and kind but my father is uncommonly aloof and Blaine is downright standoffish. I don’t get it. They always liked him fine before. I guess it will just take some time for them to get used to him. The most important thing is that we have made it back and that means that we have a doctor and a hospital to go to when I go into labor. I let my hand fall to my stomach again. “I promise little baby boy” I whisper. “Everything is going to be alright.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This reunion might have been more difficult and awkward than you would think but if you look at it from their families perspective they thought these two died a long time ago and then they are given like a 24 hour notice and they show up again and are very different than when they left. They are also totally blindsided by Evie and by the pregnancy as well as the marriage that has been growing for so long without their knowledge. There is a lot going on here and we will be exploring it in some coming chapters. There was some shock on both sides about how much Jen and Josh changed and also how much the world has changed while they were gone. 
> 
> I do want to point out because it is small and easy to skip over that my favorite single visual moment in this entire work is in this chapter. I have had it in my head almost since the beginning and I finally got to it. The scene where they are waiting at the base overnight and they are wearing the military clothes that are too big for them and they are both sick and sitting on the floor holding each other. I can actually really picture it and it captures a lot of the themes and emotions of this story so well. What can I say? It is special to me. 
> 
> Thanks a million to everyone who left me a comment and because you were so good to me I gave you this chapter faster. I look forward to hearing from you all again and hearing your feedback on the rescue and where things go from here.


	26. Hiding Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer, Josh, and Evie try to adapt to being back after so many years on the island. Evie struggles with a new environment while her parents try to deal with changing circumstances and relationships.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to all who left me kudos and comments on the reunion chapter. Since you were all so good to me, I am going to return the favor by giving you this chapter early as well. 
> 
> The only new character I introduce in this chapter is Liz Mahoney who is Jennifer's publicist. Although it is not realistic, she is going to serve as both publicist and agent for Jen and Josh in this story. That is strictly for the sake of simplicity as I do not want to introduce tons of new characters when one would suffice just as well.

Evie is fascinated by the crowds of people and hundreds of cars she sees through the window of the SUV on our way to the hotel. She can’t keep pulling on her shoes though as she finds them very restrictive and uncomfortable. Someone has quickly arranged for a suite of rooms for us and it is just a short drive from the airport. Upon arrival my parents and Michelle carry our things up while Josh waits in the car with Evie. He wants to let them walk by so that he could point them out to her before she actually needs to interact with them. The main living area and kitchen are an open concept and I am impressed with the three large bedrooms that connect via a short hallway. 

“I don’t think she is ready to be in a room by herself” I instruct them. “So just put all of our stuff in the biggest room.” They set our things down and start to help me unpack. It is a nice gesture but I would like my husband and daughter to be able to come up and I am perfectly capable of putting our things away. My mother and Michelle both comment on our lack of possessions and determine that a shopping trip is in order. “Sure” I say not caring one way or the other. “Just pick us all up some clothes and toiletries. I would say a size 5 for Evie, I mean that is how old she is and just some medium maternity clothes for me. Josh’s clothes from the crash still mostly fit so just whatever he wore before.” 

Having a job to do appeases them and they go out chattering about what stores to go to and dragging my father along with them. I reach for my pocket to call Josh and then remember that I still don’t have a phone. He comes up in a few minutes anyway as I am sure he saw them leave. “Is this our new house?” Evie asks in wonder. “Just for a few days baby” I tell her. I find Nick Jr on the TV and let her spend some time with her new best friend. She looks odd in the opulent room clutching a homemade rag doll. 

I lay down on the bed and let out a long sigh of relief. “Well” Josh says “that was pretty fucking awkward.” I gesture for him to join me and roll on my side so that he can spoon me from behind. His hand finds my belly and I interlace our fingers while we talk. “I’m so sorry about your dad honey” I say softly. “I don’t think it has really sunk in yet” he admits. “I mean I knew things would be different, but so much has changed. My dad is gone. Connor told me that he is engaged too. He is a research engineer now. My mom seemed really different too, like she lost all of her spunk. I wasn’t totally sure she was happy to see me.”

“Of course she was” I insist. “She’s just in shock…we all are. My family was acting strangely too. When they told me that my dog died they acted like I would have a meltdown or something.” He laughs quietly and kisses my neck. “Ten years ago you would have baby” he tells me. “They just don’t know what a strong and mature woman you have become. We need to spend some time together and get to know them again.” My eyebrows lift and I lay on my back so that I can give him my bedroom eyes. “I know who I want to get together and spend some time with” I tease and despite my enormous belly he kisses the sensitive spot on my neck and then gets up to shut the door. When he returns his hands slip into my underwear to tease me and then rub me to completion.

We barely get a wink of sleep that night. Evie is incredibly restless and wakes us nearly every hour. She is hungry, she is thirsty, she is not tired anymore and wants to watch TV. At 4:30am she starts shaking me. “Mommy” her little voice prods again. “Mommy, I need to pee.” Toilets are a new thing for her and she still wants one of us to accompany her every time she goes. “I’ve got it babe” Josh mutters and stumbles out of bed. “Ouch, shit!” I hear him curse as he stubs his toe walking like a zombie around the corner with her. 

My sleep is being hampered by heartburn as well and by the time they return I have switched on the lamp and am propped up in bed sipping from a glass of water. Evie jumps up and snuggles next to me. She will be out in a minute but she can’t seem to stay asleep. “Your chest bothering you again?” he asks sitting on the other side of the bed. I nod and take a big gulp. This helps some but it will also guarantee that I will be up shortly again to empty my crushed bladder. “I don’t get it” he says. “She has always been a fantastic sleeper. I mean, I know this is a big change for her but she slept fine on the boat, at the base, on the plane and those were all scarier places with a lot more strangers.”

He lapses into deep concentration and I yawn. Fuck problem solving, right now I am exhausted and my brain is mush. Besides, who really understands the minds of little kids? I am about nod off again when I hear his voice. “Wait a minute Jen. Listen…” I don’t fucking hear anything and I just want to sleep. “I give up Columbo” I deadpan. “You are going to have to enlighten me on this mystery.” He doesn’t react to my sarcasm but instead cocks his head to the side as if to listen to the imaginary sound harder. “She has never heard it before” he observes. I give him a what the fuck are you talking about look, still completely lost. “Silence” he continues. “She’s never been in a place that is completely quiet before. I think it is unnerving her and she just doesn’t know how to tell us that.”

I think back on it. On the island you could always hear the sound of the ocean, the birds, and the insects. On the boat the low hum of the engine was present, on base our room had been right up against a large furnace that ran constantly, and the plane created a steady thrumming too. Josh gets up and turns on the TV and adjusts the volume to low. Evie sleeps until 9am. 

Introducing her to our folks is first on my agenda but I also know that we need to issue a press release. The media is making up their own story at this point and we should get some clarifying statements out there before they get too out of hand. Josh calls our families from the phone in our room and suggests that they come over with a few gifts for her and sit and visit with he and I for a while and give her the opportunity to approach them. 

This works like a charm and also gives us more of a chance to catch up. She is standoffish at first but what child can resist interesting new people with a pile of toys and candy? She doesn’t sit on their laps the first day but she is very receptive to the goodies they bestow on her and she does tell them about all of the treasures she brought with her. “My daddy made these animals for me” she tells them. “And my mommy made me these dolls.” They are all very attentive and in a few hours she seems to understand who they are and they can all plainly see that she is incredibly close to both of us. 

When it is time for lunch my mother pulls me into the kitchen to help make sandwiches from the groceries they have brought. “Jennifer” she starts in a tone of voice that lets me know that I will not like what she has to say. “There is something I think you should know before you accidently go prying about it.” I roll my eyes. I love my mother but damn does the woman have a knack for gossip. I look at her and motion for her to continue. “Well there is no easy way to say this but your brother Blaine is divorced now.” My heart stutters in my chest. “What?” I get out. He and Carson were so happy. What could possibly have happened? My mother wears a sad expression. “She left him honey…she left him for another man. It was ugly…REALLY ugly. It was just a few years ago and he hasn’t been the same since. He doesn’t like talking about it except when he is high or drunk so just let it be at least for now.”

My mind is reeling. Blaine has always been such a sweet wonderful guy. He is handsome, has a job, he’s a good father. Why would she do that? It is all so confusing but also perhaps a bit telling. It might explain his strange behavior yesterday at our reunion. I knew he seemed a bit off. I feel horrible for him. If she is with another guy now that means child support payments and watching the douche who screwed you over and took your wife raise your children. Poor Blaine. 

“It’s still pretty painful for him” my mother adds unnecessarily. “So for now please don’t mention anything about the circumstances to anyone outside of the family.” I snort. “If I have it my way mom. I am not going to even be seeing anyone outside of the family for a while.” Her mouth forms a thin line. “So is that what he is to you now?” she asks. “Is he family Jennifer?” I am taken back by the question. “Of course he is” I hiss, hoping that he and his mom will not overhear. “He’s my husband and the father of my children. Speaking of which I need to file for a marriage license right away. I don’t want any loose ends since the press release will make us official to the public.”

My mother is warm and kind but concerned as she steps forward and takes my hands. “Are you sure this is what you want honey? It will be difficult to put the genie back into the bottle once you announce. I know you formed a lot of feelings for this boy while you were stranded together but you have only been back a matter of hours. It is a little soon to make this decision for the rest of your life.” I give her a hug. “I made that choice a long time ago mom” I assure her. “I said vows with him. We’ve been living as husband and wife for most of the time we have been gone.” She nods as we part and it is all she is willing to give me at this point in terms of her blessing. 

The next couple of weeks are busy as I have two doctors’ appointments and what seems like endless visits from both of our families. It is great to see people again, but sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming. Josh and I both get cell phones and luckily I am able to re-engage my old publicist. Josh’s has moved on so for now we just plan to share. My parents contact an attorney to look into a marriage license, a birth certificate and social security card for Evie, etc. My mother assures me that my home in LA has been well cared for and that a basic staff will be available when I decide to return. It all makes me a little sick. I don’t want strangers coming in and out of my home. I just want to live with my husband and children. 

I have avoided reading anything in the press and have deliberately not surfed the internet. We issue an official press release announcing that Josh and I were the sole survivors of the plan crash and that our hearts went out to the families of those who perished. We further clarified that we had survived together on the island and where now married with one daughter age 5 and expecting our second child soon. We thanked everyone for their well wishes and expressed that for the time being we wished to lead a private life. Whatever they do with that is whatever they do with it. All my thoughts and energies at this point are focused on the impending delivery of my baby. 

The adjustment and the stress of another birth after the last ending so tragically must be weighing on Josh too. As the days pass he becomes more quiet and withdrawn. When I try to talk to him about it he puts on a happy face and assures me that all is well but I can’t escape the feeling that something isn’t right with him. All that seems to make him happy is playing with Evie and talking to our son. We lie in bed and he pulls my shirt over my belly so that he can nuzzle and kiss the bare skin and feel his child kicking. “I love you buddy. You will be with us soon. Daddy can’t wait to see you” he says softly.

He is driving again and took me to the doctor this morning. My cervix has thinned but I am only dilated one centimeter. I feel like a grouchy cow and wish I was further along. I have been having Braxton hicks contractions for a few days but nothing consistent yet and the contractions conjure up all kinds of horrible memories. Please let this baby be ok. 

All I want to do is take a nap but we have a meeting with Liz. When she arrives we settle onto the couch and are immediately joined by my parents, Michelle and Blaine. So much for privacy. She lets us know that reaction to our story has been 99.9% positive and that there is a huge demand for interviews. She shows us some of the headlines: Katniss and Peeta in a Real Love Story! Former Hunger Games Stars Bask in Wedded Bliss! J-Law and J-Hutch Survived on Love Alone! I just shake my head. I hate it when my love life is front and center. It’s all hearts and rose petals right now but it will just make it harder for us to live our lives. 

“Just let Jen get through this pregnancy” Josh tells her taking my hand. “After that we will see.” Liz agrees with a smile. That is one thing I have always liked about her. She doesn’t try to push me when she knows that I have made up my mind. “One more thing before I go” she says. “The press release we issued says that you are a married couple. I am assuming that you will be making that legal soon.” I scrunch my face up in thought. “Yes” I answer. “I asked to get the ball rolling on that when we got back.” I will have to follow up on it. We should just be able to go to the court house or something. Why the hell is it taking so long?

“Sure” she says. “I just wanted to double check that we will still be using the name Jennifer Lawrence. We have all worked really hard to build the brand and the recognition so I wanted to confirm that with you.” She says it as if it were a forgone conclusion, a minor detail that of course I would be agreeing to. I look around and everyone else seems to support her assumption. My family and even Michelle offer opinions about why I should keep it for professional and legal use. Josh is silent. I look to him for help but he just shrugs his shoulders. I have gone back and forth on this so many times. In my heart I want to take my husband’s name but my head knows that it is senseless to throw away all the name recognition that I built professionally as Jennifer Lawrence. I don’t want to make this decision right now but the baby is kicking the shit out of me and everyone is staring at me and all those reporters out there want to talk to me and I just want it to stop. “I’ll just keep the name Lawrence” I get out and my voice is so quiet that she has to ask me to repeat myself. 

My contractions are increasing a bit in intensity but not regularity the next day when I walk in to Josh sitting in our room and scowling at me. I would blame it on my decision yesterday but he told me that it was fine and he held me last night. “What’s wrong hun?” I ask sitting in the chair opposite him. His fist clenches in anger or frustration and he runs his hand through his hair. It is still too long but I asked him not to cut it until he has to because I really like it this way. “I got a call about an hour ago from your attorney asking for my input on several provisions of a prenuptial agreement he would like me to sign.” I pull back in surprise. For once, I am too stunned to speak. He gets up and stands before me. 

“I understand and I think it is a very sound idea. I have no objections to any provision you want that doesn’t involve me giving up custody rights to the kids. It is reasonable for you to want some protection for what you have worked for. I just want you to talk about it with me instead of having your attorney give me a call. That is pretty cold given that you slept in my arms last night.” Is he crazy? “No” I tell him getting up and pacing. “I don’t want a prenup. I had no idea that was even in the works. This is nuts. You’re my husband, I don’t need protection from you. I trust you with 100% of everything.” 

My parents. I know they are trying to look out for me but they had no right to intrude like this. I asked for a lawyer so he or she could look into things, see what we needed to do, make arrangements to make the marriage legal, get Evie registered in the system, not so that they could craft a contract for my husband to sign. I walk over to the laptop and turn it on. “What are you doing?” he asks coming up behind me. “We’re getting married” I tell him. I quickly type in a search string for the marriage laws here and find that there is no waiting period. We have new passports that were issued in emergency for our travel and I grab them. “Get Evie” I tell my stunned husband. “We are going to the court house right now.” 

Josh tries to talk me out of it but my mind is made up. I don’t want to wait for my family to witness it. If they wanted to be a part of this they shouldn’t have meddled. Besides, I don’t give a shit if it is special. I had a deeply meaningful wedding day with him when we actually got married. I’m not a bride anymore. This is just making the government recognize a bond that was forged a long time ago. It is actually a remarkably easy process. We say a few words in front of the judge and a few witnesses which we then take a photograph with. Boy do they have a story to tell. Then we sign the papers and return to the hotel. 

By the time we get back our folks are anxiously waiting and we both have a dozen texts. I decide not to beat around the bush and openly confront them about the whole thing. “Now calm down Jenny” my dad says. “We just consulted an attorney and that is what he recommended so we had him draw it up. Anything in it is open to negotiation by either party.” I can tell he is uncomfortable having the argument in front of Michelle. I put my face in my hands and groan in frustration. I have never fought with my parents like this. “Well it isn’t up to negotiation anymore” I shout. “We just went down the courthouse and signed the papers. I’m his wife now so no prenuptial agreement will apply.” My father shakes his head in disappointment. “Jennifer” my mother begins to scold. I will never know what she was going to say because at the moment I turn to storm back to my bedroom I feel a gush of fluid our down my legs and I let out a loud gasp. “Josh” I say grabbing on to his arm for dear life. “My water just broke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Blaine and Carson's divorce is just a plot device for this story. I have no reason to believe they are not a happily married couple. 
> 
> I would love to hear your thoughts and feedback on where things are heading. Evie is obviously facing a lot of changes and there is definitely something going on with Josh too. This is also the first time we have seen how things are playing out in the press. Jen ended up making the choice to keep her maiden name which is something they had discussed on the island before and boy are Jennifer's parents screwing up this whole thing royally. I think their hearts are in the right place but they sure are not starting off on the right foot. This is also a super awkward position for Michelle to be in.


	27. Tanner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer and Josh face the birth of another baby after losing their first son so tragically on the island.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again everyone. I left you with a bit of a baby cliff hanger at the end of the last chapter and so many of you were great about leaving me feedback that I decided to update again tonight. No new characters in this chapter, other than the one who is born. I have been sticking with chapters of about 3,000 or so words but from here on out they will be inconsistent. This part of the story is segmenting differently so some will be longer and some will be shorter. Please make sure to leave me comments. I love to hear from you and I am having a crappy week at work so I decided to update to do something I actually enjoy and post a new chapter.

Josh and I sit in the back seat of an SUV as my parents drive us to the small hospital we selected for the delivery. Luckily, Evie knows Michelle pretty well now so we are hoping she will do alright with her. My breath is coming in short gasps as I clench my husband’s hand in a death grip. I thought I was ready for this but I’m not, I’m really not. Josh rubs his hand on my back and shoulder. “There’s a doctor this time, it’s going to be alright honey. You’re full term, we saw the baby on the ultra sound, you can feel him kicking. He’s alright. He will be here with us soon.” His words are correct and rational. My mind flashes with images of my lifeless infant. No matter how prepared, something could go wrong. I could burry another child. 

Josh unbuckles his seat belt and pulls mine out wider so that he can turn my ripe body to the side. He fits my back tightly against his chest so that I can feel the thud of his heartbeat against my spine. “Do you feel my heart beating?” he whispers in my ear. I nod my ascent and he tells me that we are still in love, that our new baby is coming and that he is safe and perfect. The steadiness of his tone, the timber of his voice, and the familiarity of his smell sooth me far more than the actual words. I match my breathing to his and soon my heartrate slows as well. “Good” he tells me. “Great job babe.”

It’s only as we pull up the drive that I remember that we have an audience. If my parents had any doubts that I still suffer from anxiety attacks they have their answer now. It’s fine though. They know how I can be and now they have seen how good he is to me. They should know that his nature is kind and gentle and that he has the patience to deal with me in the long term. They have no idea why I am so freaked because we haven’t told them about Zachary. We haven’t told anyone. It is just too private, too painful to share. 

It doesn’t take long for them to check me in and soon they put that awesome monitor on my belly and the wondrous sound of a steady heartbeat fills the room. My baby is fine. He’s coming to me soon. Luckily, they’ve already asked about my previous pregnancies during my doctor visits and don’t bring it up again. Josh asks them to give me something for my nerves and after they put it in my IV and insert the epidural I feel tremendously better. This is the way to have a baby! I’m fucking loopy and I keep giving Josh these really dopy smiles. He grins back and shakes his head at the stupid things I keep saying and smooths my hair back. 

The nurses come and go from my room and my mother stays and continually asks us if there is anything she can get us in an effort to be useful. I always thought I would need her when this moment came but after everything that has happened her presence actually seems strange. It almost feels unreal to have all these people checking me and entering vitals into computers. We are used to doing things on our own. The meds are a big plus though and so is the knowledge that they can do something about it if a problem arises. I like the idea of having him near during the delivery too. He will be able to hold my hand through the whole thing this time and we will have some time off from chores to just enjoy our baby. 

A few hours pass and Josh lets me know that he needs to go to the bathroom. “I’ll just be down the hall” he says standing up to go. “No” I tell him shaking my head. The initial medication they gave me for anxiety has worn off and although I’m not in extreme pain I am still very uncomfortable and frightened. “It’s ok” my mother says coming to sit with me. “I’ll stay with her.” I continue to shake my head and a tear streaks down my cheek. “Please don’t leave” I tell him softly. He gives an apologetic look to my mother. “I’m not going anywhere” he says taking my hand again. “I’m just going to use your bathroom ok? It’s right there. You will be able to hear me the whole time.” I agree and he is right. I can literally hear his urine stream and the sound of him washing and drying his hands and he returns to my side immediately. 

The nurses seem pretty chipper until they tell us that they have called the doctor to come in and have a look at me. He checks the monitors and does whatever it is they do when they are feeling around in your vagina and then pulls a stool up to speak to us. “We have some concerns about the way the baby is positioned that he could get the cord wrapped around his neck” he tells us. My stomach clenches and my heart feels like it stops. It’s happening again. Something is wrong with my baby. The doctor sees our horrified expressions and moves to reassure us. “He isn’t in any distress right now, I promise you. But I am going to stay and monitor him and I’m going to give you some Pitocin to speed up the labor. That will help us get him out of there while he is still doing well. If for any reason he begins to become distressed or we have reason to think that he is in immediate danger I will do an emergency C-section and we will have him out of there in a matter of minutes. I will have the operating room all ready.”

I am immensely grateful for the presence of the doctor and that operating room that is just a few yards away. I wish I could muster some gratefulness for the Pitocin too but that shit is poison and I just cannot appreciate it, at least not today. In another hour and half my contractions are coming hard and fast. I cannot feel my legs at all and they have to be held up to keep them in the stirrups. Josh has one and my mother has the other as I push as hard as I can repeatedly. My hand must be crushing his as I bare down but he doesn’t complain. He just keeps telling me how close I am to holding a baby again and how much he loves me. “Just one more big push momma” the doctor tells me and I give it everything that I have. 

A moment later I hear it. The perfect sound of a baby crying. I let my head fall back. I did it. He’s here and he’s alive. “Oh my God he is beautiful” I hear my mother say. When I open my eyes it is to the sight of the nurse bringing a tiny baby to settle on my breast. He isn’t just beautiful, he is perfect. His skin is very clear and his eyes are bright and alert as he peers up at me. He has already stopped crying and seems content to just wear his little hat and cuddle in my arms. Well, he already has a sweeter disposition than Evie did. I meet eyes with Josh. Our baby is safe. He kisses us both and an immense sense of peace settles over me. All too soon they take him away to be cleaned and so the doctor can finish with me. 

When they finally bring him back I hog him a lot but my mother gets her turns too because I need to sleep as well. My father and Michelle come to see him and so does Blaine. Ben and Connor have flown home and won’t be able to make the trip back so soon. I thought no one could love him as much as Josh and I until they bring Evie up. She is virtually obsessed with him. She is constantly begging someone to sit on the couch to help her hold him and smothering him with kisses. He is very tolerant of it all and only cries when he is hungry. He is a natural at nursing and doesn’t spit up much either. 

I am reluctant to be separated from my husband but I know I can’t keep him here forever so when my brother offers to take him to lunch I encourage him to go. He has to feel cooped up in this little medical room. I know I do. We don’t get a lot of sleep because we have a newborn and because they come in our room every couple of hours to poke me with more needles (shocker my vaccinations were not up to date) and to take my vital signs. It must be getting to Josh because he seems aggravated and anxious to go home. We are going to drive back to LA because I can’t handle flying right now and my mother has assured me that the house I own there is in good working order. 

A few of the young nurses and aids seem to hang around our room more often then they need to and now that I am off of my meds I realize that it is so that they can ogle my husband. A pang of jealousy hits me as they smile and bat their eyes at him but it is quickly dismissed. He is a very handsome and attractive man. He is also famous and it’s normal for women to fall all over him. It’s just been a long time since anything has been normal. He is polite but doesn’t encourage them and I have no reason to worry. I’m his wife aren’t I? I just had his baby and we are very committed to each other. 

They must bring more paperwork while I am asleep because when I wake up there is a woman from the staff discussing it with Josh. “You still want to call him Tanner right?” he asks me. I nod and the woman tells me that I must complete the section that lists the father. I nod with a yawn and Josh gives me an uncertain look. I cock my head asking him without saying it “what is it?” “Um” he says, fumbling a bit. “What do you want me to list for last name?” I furrow my brow. “Hutcherson of course” I say feeling pretty damn offended. We are a married couple. Why wouldn’t I give his children his name? “Ok” he answers rubbing his hand on the back of his neck. “I just wasn’t sure if you want them to have yours you know?” I don’t know. I feel like the world just tilted a little bit and I’m not sure how to get my balance. I thought things were fine but now my heart flutters with fears. I’m not sure we are on the same page anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have a new baby and he is super cute. I love the dynamic of him and Evie together. This was a big event for them to face and thankfully it had a much better outcome this time. I revealed in this chapter that neither family knows about what happened with Zachary so I would love some feedback on that aspect as well as just general thoughts on the chapter and the direction the story is taking. I actually feel bad for her Mother in this chapter. Her parents have done some stupid things but it definitely hurts her feelings that she seems to have lost her place in her daughter's life. The unnaturally long separation has screwed up typical family dynamics and that part of it is no one's fault. Josh's questioning of the kids last name surprises Jennifer but should it? And what does it say about how comfortable they both are with the marriage? Still a lot of loose ends going on. What will they find back in LA and as one person commented after the last chapter, what about Claudia?


	28. Unbalanced

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following the birth of their son Jennifer and Josh move back to LA and try to restart their lives again. Evie tries to adjust to new foods and experiences and Josh finally makes contact with his Ex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you left me feedback on the last chapter, this speedy update is for you. I love you all. This chapter addresses questions like: 
> 
> Where will they live?
> 
> Why did Jen's family keep her house?
> 
> What the hell happened to Claudia? 
> 
> There are not really new characters in this chapter but just a quick reminder that at the time of the crash Miley Cyrus was Liam's girlfriend and Claudia Traisac was Josh's. I hope to God everyone knows who Miley Cyrus is or you need to stop reading this random fanfiction now and crawl out from under the rock. Claudia is a Spanish actress who was in Escobar with Josh and has also acted in television. She was mentioned a lot in the first part of the story but has not been brought up for a while now. 
> 
> As always this story is something that I made up on my own and it is not a reflection of the real people.

Questioning me about Tanner’s last name is a like a moment out of twilight zone but when I try to bring it up again he shrugs it off. We are released the next day and spend another week at the hotel to give me a few more nights to recover and so that we can make final arrangements for our return to LA. The long ride is agony for Evie who has never been asked to sit for prolonged periods. We don’t make good time because we have to stop every couple of hours for me to nurse and she is ready to bounce off the walls by the time we pull up to what now seems like a mansion even though it was once my home. 

When I open the front door I am shocked to find everything just how I left it. I knew my parents didn’t sell the place but I didn’t realize it had been left completely untouched other than being cleaned by the staff. It doesn’t hit me until I see the food bowl how much I miss Pippi. Evie would have loved her. I feel like a walking ghost as I make my way through the silent halls. The book I was reading when I left for the tour still sits on the coffee table. My bedroom closet is full of my clothes. It has been more than ten years. Everyone surely thought we were dead. My family kept this place, a shrine to the daughter who never came home. 

When I make my way back down stairs Josh is rocking the pumpkin seat keeping a slumbering Tanner happy and Evie is running upstairs to scout out her territory. I am embarrassed to see that I still have a picture of me and Nick up and hope he doesn’t notice. “Wow” he says. “This is pretty sick. Your parents had a hard time letting go.” I nod and take a seat. “My mother” I correct. “Dad would have just gone along with whatever she wanted to make her happy.” The whole thing makes me realize how much they were expecting the exact same girl who left this house to go promote Hunger Games to walk off that plane a few weeks ago. 

“Do you want to run over to your place and pick up your stuff?” I ask him. He shakes his head slowly, his face devoid of emotion. “No…my family…they a… didn’t keep many of my personal belongings” he admits. “Oh” is all I manage to say. “It was probably healthier you know” he offers. “My mom said she would send what she had, maybe a box or two so I can go through it.” It’s not that either of our families did anything wrong given the circumstances but their radically different reactions cause my heart to ache for him. It makes things seem unbalanced and our presence here feel out of place. 

Tanner starts to fuss for me and I unbutton my dress to feed him. His tiny mouth latches on and his miniature hand rests against my chest. I close my eyes and just enjoy my healthy baby for a few minutes and when I open them again my husband is leaning against the counter watching me. “What?” I ask with a smile. “Nothing” he says. “I just never get tired of watching you do this. You’re so beautiful.” I flush at his complement and at the longing in his voice when he emphasizes the word “so”. He has told me this hundreds of times but it feels very different here in this house, back in LA. It’s like an alternate universe or something. 

We spend the next several days introducing Evie to her new home. She loves the pool but hates the air conditioning. She adores candy and pizza (she is my kid after all) but picks at virtually everything else we try to feed her. She has never been choosy before but everything on the island she had grown up eating since birth. She does find Tanner to be a very satisfactory addition and we have to watch very closely that she doesn’t try to take him out of his crib on her own. 

I am headed into the office one day to call Liz again and tell her that I don’t want to do any press until we have Evie more acclimated and Tanner is at least a few months old when I am brought up short. Josh is sitting in front of the laptop and it looks like he has been crying. He hasn’t said much about his father’s passing and I am wondering if it is starting to get to him. I come up behind him and put my hands on his shoulders and see that he has been looking at some pictures and articles about Miley. 

“I know it’s stupid” he says. “He has been gone a long time, it’s just hard. This makes it feel really final.” I look and see that he has been googling what she has been up to since the crash. She looks older, less carefree and crazy. I read the headlines and see that she is engaged to another singer and is planning to leave on a big tour soon. It looks like her career has thrived. Viewing the images I feel it too. This heavy sensation of loss that our best friend is gone and that the world has moved on without him. I sniff a little and a few tears escape and I wipe them away. This is my chance to be strong for him. He reaches up and pats my hand. 

After a few minutes he turns to face me. “I need to call Claudia” he says catching me off guard. I pull my hand back and let out a frustrated breath. “Why?” I ask, earnest in my desire for an honest answer. “Have you been in here googling her too?” He nods. “Yes, and I need to talk to her. I’ve been putting this off. I should have called her before we issued the press release. Jen, the last time I saw her I kissed her good bye. She was my girlfriend. We had a relationship and I owe her an explanation. I need to talk to her, clear the air. You can be in the room with me the whole time. There is nothing that I need to say to her that I wouldn’t be happy for you to hear.” 

My body relaxes. It makes sense. He needs to close the door on that chapter, make peace with the whole thing. “How is she?” I ask him. “She looks like she is doing fine” he says and he seems pleased. “She is still doing some television acting. She’s living with some director I’ve never heard of but let’s face it anyone who made it in the last decade we have never heard of. She has a child with him, a little girl, she’s 2 years old.” I move forward and hug him and he rubs his cheek against me. That is a major tell for him. He only does it when he really needs my love and reassurance. As happy as he may be for his ex, it’s one more person who moved on and replaced him when he left. 

He makes initial contact through Liz so that he doesn’t blind side her and sets up a time for him to call. As much as I know that it is needed, my belly is still filled with nervous butterflies when the moment comes. Josh offers to do a multi-line call so that I can hear both sides of the conversation but I decline. Being able to hear the words he says to her is enough for me. If she is mean to him or something I can run her over with my new minivan later. 

I know Claudia. I have met her a few times when she was dating Josh. We weren’t enemies, but we weren’t friends either and I would be lying if I said that I would be in any way comfortable with being face to face with her right now. The last time he saw her they probably had sex. They had plans together and now he is married to me and we have a family. I feel for her, but she better stay away from my man. This whole situation is just awful and confusing. 

At 10am Josh picks up his cell and dials her number. I hold my breath, I’m not sure what I am afraid of, just that I am so worked up that I want to puke. “Hey Claudia, its Josh” he says as soon as she picks up. She must start with some niceties because he says that he has been fine and asks her how she is too. After a few generic comments the conversation begins to stall. How could it not? What the hell is he supposed to say? Sorry my plane crashed and I’ve been fucking another woman for the last decade hope you have a nice life? God, who would voluntarily put themselves through this? I’m a coward who would have just sent her an email. 

After a couple of minutes of chatting about people they both knew he cuts to the chase. “I don’t want to make things weird or awkward. I am sure you saw the press release and know that I am with Jen now and that I have been for a long time. I heard that you are with someone now too and we both have children. I just wanted to talk and clear the air. I wanted to tell you that I’m really happy for you and that I wish you all the best. I really cared about you and if everything wouldn’t have happened… who knows. But it did happen and I’m glad that we both moved on and found happiness and love with someone. Nothing is your fault and you shouldn’t feel guilty about anything. I also wanted you to know that I never cheated on you. I’ve always loved Jen and you knew that. But we never had anything romantic until after I left. That’s all I wanted to say and I’d be glad to listen to anything you want to tell me and I hope that you can think of me as an old friend and not as an ex.” 

It’s a good speech. Now that I hear it I know that he was right to make the call. I hadn’t really stopped to consider how she might feel about him showing up again after so much time. I am also incredibly relieved. He doesn’t love her anymore. This wasn’t an attempt to rekindle anything. This was just a diplomatic and kind way to say goodbye. I’m unsure what she says in response but it isn’t anything too lengthy and in a few minutes he is hanging up and opening his arms to me. I rush into them and he holds me and strokes my hair. 

It has been like this with us a lot lately. Being there for each other but in a mostly platonic way. He kisses me, but not deeply. He holds me at night but his hands don’t wander. I try not to read too much into it. We’ve only been back a short time and our heads are still spinning. We can’t make love anyway so soon after the baby. It doesn’t sit well with me though, these changes in him. The Josh I knew before we left was always my best bud and would never push things farther, the Josh I knew on the island was the love of my life and a generous and passionate lover. I’m not sure who this version of him will be. I just hope that he will be compatible with whoever it is that I turn out to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everybody for taking the time to read yet another chapter. I would love to hear any of your feedback but would especially appreciate your thoughts on the fact that Jen's family kept her house in the way that they did. Josh's family did just the opposite. Now that they are back, does this play into the difficulty of figuring out their relationship in this new context? Also open to your thoughts on Josh's conversation with Claudia. I personally thought that he handled it well. This is a shitty situation for everyone and I think taking the time to talk to her even though it was awkward was a class act since he wanted to make sure that she knew that she wasn't cheated on before the crash and that she shouldn't feel bad at all about moving on once she thought he was gone. Super weird to be able to go back and look at how the world dealt with your passing. It does not appear to be a good thing in some ways.


	29. The Distance Between

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen and Josh get a huge project opportunity from a studio and their reaction forces a showdown between Jen and her family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to every reader who left me feedback this week. We still have a long way to go on this story so I am doing my best to update more frequently. Please keep sharing your thoughts so that I can calibrate and adjust as we go along. 
> 
> If you were frustrated with Jen's family before you may need to go and grab a pillow to punch before diving into this chapter. 
> 
> New Characters:
> 
> Amy: Amy Schumer is an actress and comedian who was friends with Jen before the crash.
> 
> Emma: Emma Stone is an actress Jen met through Woody and they were friends before the crash.
> 
> Laura: Laura Simpson has been one of Jen's friends for a long time and she once even brought her as her date to the Oscar's. 
> 
> Bear: Bear Lawrence is Jen's oldest nephew. He played Katniss and Peeta's son in the ending scene of Mockingjay Part 2. There are also some cute pictures of him with both Jen and with Josh on the set of Catching Fire.

I spend much of the next couple months trying to figure out what the hell I should be doing every day. The house is large and I have two small children so I’m certainly not bored but everyone seems to think that I should want to be doing something more. I flip on the television but most of the shows I used to watch aren’t on anymore and the ones that are have completely new characters. 

Josh agrees to do some press for us which quickly turns into interviews with virtually every major network. I watch him charm everyone he meets from my seat on our living room couch. He is affable and develops great rapport without really giving them much. He doesn’t discuss the children except to note that we have two of them and their ages. He entertains them with little anecdotes about fishing, weather, and lack of flush toilets. Listening to him talk, you would think that we went on a jolly little holiday. It annoys me a little, but I know what he’s doing. He’s saying what people want to hear, giving them what they want without truly violating our privacy.

He makes a point to acknowledge our friends who died in the crash and is respectful of their memory. Liz made it clear that it was me the press wanted to talk to most but I refused. I don’t want to be laid bare before the whole world. He is doing this for me. So that the initial buzz of fascination can pass before I have to go out there again. When asked about us he is quick to say that he loves me and that our friendship just blossomed into something more over time. “She’s doing great” he tells them. “She’s just really tired right now. Having the baby so soon after we got back has kept her busy and we want some privacy for a while to get our family adjusted. Things are going fine and we want to make sure that we keep it that way.” He is so convincing that I almost believe it myself. 

It isn’t true though. We aren’t adjusting. After an initial burst of interest in our families, Evie has become painfully shy and reserved. She is clingy with Josh and I and keeps a constant vigil over Tanner. She cries a lot. She misses home. I know how she feels. 

Josh is an incredibly loving and dedicated father and he takes excellent care of all of us. But we are still avoiding intimacy. At first we could blame it on my recovery after the baby but now it is obvious. We are having problems. If we knew what they were we could work on them but I’m not sure either of us really understands what is going on. We just don’t feel like us anymore and it isn’t just a relationship issue. I feel out of place in my own life now and I know he does too. We are supposed to do things that feel normal to us but when I go home and start cooking plantains my mother looks at me like that is not what I am supposed to want to do. 

He has been gone several days on this little interview extravaganza and it is killing me. Not just the being apart, but the worrying about his travel. At first he updated me on his flight itineraries but after the first 24 hours I asked him to stop. I know when he is coming home and I have decided just to stick my head in the sand until then. 

When he walks in the door he has a smile on his face. I run to greet him and we hold each other close. I give him a kiss on the cheek and offer to make him a sandwich. I’m just glad he is safe, even if things are strained between us. 

“So how was the tour?” I ask. “Fine” he answers. “I told them that you are ready to sign another X-men movie and that you are thinking of cutting your own album.” I turn around in shock ready to start yelling at him when I see his big stupid grin. I give him a fake look of disgust and shake my head. “Fuck you” I laugh. “Is that any way to greet the knight in shining armor that that just saved you from another Jimmy Fallon appearance?” he asks in mock disdain. I roll my eyes. “You wish” I counter. He lets me in on all the details while we pig out on junk food for the next three hours and it almost feels like old times until I need to feed Tanner. The presence of our baby breaks the spell of Josh and Jen just hanging out like old times. 

Josh urges me to reconnect and go out with some of my friends. It is a partial success. Having lunch with Amy and Emma is fun but I actually feel even more uncomfortable in my own skin. I laugh at some of our stories and memories of times together but have trouble relating to them in the present tense. We just don’t have anything in common anymore and everyone wants the dirty on what happened with me and Josh on the island. I am in no mood at this point to kiss and tell. Meeting up with my friend Laura again however is awesome. We have always been close and she got married around the same time I did and has a couple of kids of her own. Taking a walk or meeting for coffee with her is now one of the high points of my week. Sometimes you just have to be able to bitch to another woman and hear that she wants to kill her husband and kids sometimes too so that you can confirm that you’re normal. We also have a history together that feels relatively untouched by all the phases my life has gone through. 

Just when I think we are starting to fall into a somewhat bearable routine my mother insists on coming to stay with us a while. She says she is worried about me and I just can’t find it in me to tell her no. Her presence is one more complicating factor in sorting out my relationship with Josh. We seem to have found a strong friendship footing and enjoy spending time together but there are times when you could cut the tension with a knife. I’ve made advances a couple of times and he didn’t tell me no, but he didn’t seem too interested either. That isn’t the man I know. He has never been that casual on the subject. He has always wanted me. One night a couple of weeks ago he started kissing me when he came to bed but I was tired and my breasts were killing me from nursing. It might have led to something more but then the baby started crying and by the time I came back he was asleep. That at least bought me some time because after I weighed myself the other day and got a good look in the mirror at my new midriff I think it would be best if he not see me naked again until I can lose some of this baby fat. He seems indifferent on the subject anyway which makes it hurt all the more. He acts like he can take it or leave it so I guess we are just leaving it for the time being. 

I am thinking it through one morning and it occurs to me that he might be struggling with performance. That’s certainly never been an issue before but we have been through a lot and he is under a ton of pressure. He is holding me gently from behind and I move my ass back just a bit and rub it against him. Nope! That is definitely not the problem. I guess it just comes down to insecurity. He doesn’t trust me anymore. I am acutely aware of that, I’m just not really sure why. I guess he needs to know that I love him and that I am committed to our relationship in this new context. He needs time. At least that is something that I have in abundance. 

My brother Blaine comes to visit and brings my nephews which is really fun. I hate that I missed watching them grow up but I love catching up with them. They are also much more receptive to my new family than their parents have been. Bear is huge and he is also very friendly and high energy. “Mom and Dad” he jokes giving each of us a hug. “So” Josh says with a smile “You do remember me.” Bear does his best to look offended. “I would never forget my one moment of fame and notoriety” he tells us. “I was Peeta Jr. The chicks like that you know.” He reminds me so much of my brother when we were kids, all humor and warmth. 

Evie is impressed by the boys and keenly interested in the concept of big kids that aren’t really adults. It takes the introduction of chocolate milk for them to completely win her over though. The following day after a late night of movie watching and Dorito eating Josh takes the boys out to play basketball and I get a chance to catch up with Blaine one on one. 

The conversation is painful. He is so different. The once shining light and steady hand in my life now seems shrouded in darkness and struggling to find his own footing. His divorce really did a number on him. He urges me not to invest too much in my relationship with Josh and to think ahead about my career. I try to talk about the kids but he just keeps steering the conversation back to his ex and how angry and bitter he is that she left him and took the boys. I don’t blame him for being hateful. I would resent the hell out of anyone who tried to take my children. It is just difficult to reconcile the man I see before me with the kind, loving and supportive brother I thought would be waiting at home. 

Liz calls and says that she wants to talk to both of us asap and of course I make the mistake of taking the call in front of my whole family. “What’s up?” my brother asks. “I don’t know” I tell him. “Liz just wants to talk to me and Josh right away. Can you watch the kids so we can take it in my office?” I have to pull him away from a very strategic game of Candy Land but soon we are sitting across from each other and I flip my phone to speaker. “We’re both here” I tell her. 

“They want to do a whole movie on the accident” she gushes. “I got a call from Paramount. They want you to be involved in the whole project and you will have a huge say in everything. The writing, the directing, the producing, everything. They want you to both play yourselves in the film of course and they are open to having the kids participate too. They really want you so I think you could pretty much ask for anything and they would have to come up with it.” 

We don’t look to each other for confirmation. Instead, we both say no simultaneously. “Listen guys” she says “I know this is a lot to handle and we are talking about some personal baggage but they are willing to pay and to pay big. There would be a huge up front sum, more than you have ever been offered and a great cut of the royalties. And besides that I’ve spoken with you. You are both ambitious. You want careers with scope. This is your chance for more exposure to the business on a blockbuster film. It is too big of an opportunity to just say no out of hand.” 

I raise my head to look at him and realize that we are holding hands. Our fingers are clasped tight, holding on for dear life. He looks uncertain and I watch as he sees the fear in my eyes and his expression hardens into resolve. “Thank them for the offer Liz, but I’m not interested in being involved in this project in any way. I know it’s hard for you to understand but this is just too personal. It’s too close to home. I don’t think any good would come to my family by doing it.” There is a long pause on the other line. “Jen?” she asks. “Same for me” I tell her. “I can’t imagine going through the process. I can’t do it and I won’t.” I’m sure she isn’t thrilled but she can hear that our answer is final. She is always a professional though and thanks us both for dropping everything to take the time to speak about it. 

We walk out the door hand in hand. I am shaking slightly at the mere thought of reliving the whole thing for the entertainment of others. Of putting on makeup to pretend that I’m ill or acting out my delivery of Zachary. Fuck no! It will never happen. When we enter the dining room the conversation dies down. My face must reflect my uneasiness because everyone starts talking at once, asking me what Liz wanted and if I am ok. I just stand there. 

“She wanted to know if we were interested in a film project” Josh tells them. “Yeah, what kind of a project?” my father asks. “A movie about the crash and about us living on the island” I say. “And what did you tell her?” Blaine wants to know. “No” I say firmly. “Of course we told her no. It’s insane… just… no.” I am sure that I look agitated. I feel agitated and the feeling is only building the more concerned looks people give me. “Maybe you should at least think about it” my mother advises. “You couldn’t have even gotten all the details from her yet.” I shake my head in frustration. “No mom, we don’t want to do it. Hell, I’m not sure I am even interested in acting again. I am definitely not interested in torturing my family with some stupid publicity stunt.” 

“Jennifer” my father scolds and takes a step towards me. I instinctively move closer to my husband and he wraps his arm around my waist. “Can we have a few minutes with our daughter in private?” My father says, addressing the question to Josh. He glances at me and I give him a pleading look. I don’t want him to go but I won’t ask him to stay. If he could just leave for a little while that would appease my folks. It’s no big deal right? He sighs and shakes his head. “I’m going to take Evie upstairs” he mutters picking her up and heading to her room. 

“Was that really necessary?” I hiss at my dad when I hear the door close. “Yes” Blaine interjects. “We’ve barely been able to talk to you since you’ve been home. He’s with you all the time and you are acting strange.” I take a seat. I think it is going to be a long discussion that I don’t want to have. “How do you want me to act?” I ask them. “Like my sister” he tells me. “This isn’t you. You aren’t working, you don’t seem to care, and you just turned a down a deal and probably didn’t even hear her out on it.” 

How do I even try to explain it to them? “You’ve been hiding out in this house for months” he accuses. “You don’t go out at night or on weekends. What has he done to you?” Some of this I was expecting but that last comment comes as a total shock. “You think I’m not rushing back to the studio or partying because of Josh?” I ask incredulously. 

“When we told you that Pippi died you acted like you didn’t even care” my father says in bewilderment. I let out a sigh of exasperation. “I do miss her. But I hadn’t seen her in 10 years. I mourned her loss a long time ago. And my husband had just found out that his father died. It wasn’t the right moment to fall apart over the loss of a pet.” My mother steps in to play peace maker. “All we know honey is that you have changed a lot and we aren’t sure that you are doing well. We just want to make sure that our girl is ok.”

I try to rub some of the tension out of my head before I lift it to face them. “She’s not ok mom” I tell her honestly. “She died sometime on that island. Maybe even in the crash. My friends died. I lost 10 years of my career. I was sick so many times and so were Josh and Evie. I thought they would die. Shit happened to me. I lost my… I lost so much. So I can’t be that little girl anymore. I can’t be her. Sometimes I don’t even remember her. But that isn’t Josh’s fault.”

“He controls you” Blaine asserts. “I saw those interviews. He acts like he speaks for you. He makes the calls, you defer to him. I know you’ve been through hard times but the Jen I knew would never let a man dominate this much of her life.” Even as I am listening I am shaking my head. “He’s my husband and I love him and we make our decisions together.” My father moves in to support Blaine and double team me. “It just seems like he might have taken advantage of the situation honey.” 

“That’s ridiculous” I tell them, my anger starting to build. “You act like he abducted and raped me. We may have come together under extreme circumstances but he was just as much a victim of them as I was. He lost everything too, maybe even more than I did.” I look from one face to another but find no support. “You were just friends” Blaine continues. “You never liked him like that but he always wanted you. You’re more famous and certainly have more money.” Each word that comes out is dripping with animosity building to the final accusation that he barely manages to spit out through his frustration and rage. “He got you pregnant. You were alone and vulnerable and he had sex with you, convinced you to marry him. He put your life in danger just so that he could get off. How do you expect your family to feel about that?” 

I get it now. They all think I am some helpless little child who can’t make her own decisions. Josh had to have made me become a wife and mother. Surely I didn’t want those things for myself. And of course I need to get back to work, that’s all I’m good for. I don’t have personal desires, interests, or relationships. Fuck them all. “Get out of my house” I tell Blaine. They try to protest but I insist that I want them gone. “I’ll call you when I cool off” I assure my mother when she begins to cry. 

It’s been a hell of a day so I decide to take a hot shower before I go in and face the music with Josh. I know he wasn’t happy about being dismissed by my father earlier. Quite frankly, I’m not exactly thrilled with anyone at this point. I need to talk to him though, need to ask if he still hears my heart beating. He isn’t in our room though. I go and take Tanner out of the swing and feed him and lay him down for the night. Evie is tucked in and sound asleep as well. 

I look around and eventually see that the door to one of the guest rooms is closed. I look in to see him pretending to sleep on the bed. I go to tell him to stop being an idiot and come to bed when I see that he has moved some of his things to the bedroom as well. I run to the master bathroom to discover his toiletries gone. I sit on my bed consumed by sorrow and dread. I don’t have my brother, I kicked my parents out of my house, and my husband that I alienated them to defend is too angry to even tolerate my presence. I lay down and stare into darkness. The thoughts swirl in my head until I finally cry myself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, you want to hurt me. But more importantly you want to throw something at Jen's family for putting her in that situation. I would love to hear your thoughts on the adjustment issues they are facing as well as the movie offer they received and turned down. I think I know what your thoughts will be on this showdown with Jen's family. Her father and brother in particular made some pretty harsh and unfounded accusations against Josh but she is right that it also reflects on the way that they see her. Is anyone else becoming more worried about Evie at this point? I know I am.


	30. A Night at the Club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen and Josh's relationship continues to fracture under the pressure of their return to LA. Will a night out on the town be the breaking point?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I received a lot of feedback on the last chapter and some of you are pretty anxious so I am giving you another one already. I almost don't want to post it because I know that some of you are going to be VERY frustrated. That's ok, I love hearing your feedback and your rants. I think Jen and Josh have had it with themselves and each other so we are all in the same boat. 
> 
> This chapter does answer some questions about where Jen's financials stand and also features the return of Chris Hemsworth for those of you who like him. 
> 
> New characters:
> 
> Tim: He is Jen's finance guy in this story. He isn't really a character, just someone she emails and gets information from but I thought that I would mention that he is completely fictional and just someone that I made up to make the story line work.

Josh and I’s fighting and increasing distance does nothing to help my mounting depression. I stay home most of the time and tonight I see that the Golden Globes are on. I watch and see lots of familiar faces in the crowd. I miss parts of it. The food is not that great, I don’t miss that. But the glamour and the energy and excitement is fabulous. Winning an award and knowing that so many people supported you and you delivered for them is great. It’s also a huge ego boost to see all of your professional colleagues congratulating and complimenting you. When they announce the award for best actress I see a young woman walk to the podium and share a few charming comments. She is wearing Dior. The media adores her and I have heard her name many times since my return. 

They have replaced me. I am surprised how much that doesn’t bother me. For one thing, I always knew that they would. I never had any illusions that I would be the belle of the ball forever. Hell, I didn’t much like being the belle of the ball if truth be told. I have moved on from that stage of my life. I am happy for the young woman. It’s a tough seat and a lot of pressure but there are a lot of benefits too. Good for her, I just can’t see living that life again. I also can’t see them wanting someone my age and with my imperfections in the limelight. Our culture is shallow. I wish it weren’t and not everyone is but that is the business and I have known that from the start. It is time to move on. I know that I will act again or be involved somehow but it is going to look different and I am not sure when or how. 

On Friday morning I am cleaning up breakfast dishes when Josh suggests that I go out tonight. “Ok” I tell him. “You come with me.” He shakes his head. “I don’t want to leave Evie with anyone right now.” He is right that it is a delicate time for her but I also feel like he doesn’t want to be with me. The little pain that has rooted itself in my heart gets a little sharper. He is staring me down with an insistent look so I relent. “Alright, I’ll go out tonight. Will that make you happy?” I stalk off to the office to go through the financial numbers Tim told me that he would send over. 

He has been my finance guy forever and has done a fabulous job of managing my assets while I was away. I haven’t gone through all of the figures yet but he invested my money well and I am a very rich woman. They stopped paying us our royalties sometime after our disappearance and now owe us back pay but it will be tied up in process and legal paperwork for a long time. It doesn’t matter much to me but Tim sent me an update and forecast on that too. I spend an hour or so looking through everything he sent me. Holy fuck, I am loaded! I forward the information to Josh so he can review it when he has time. We haven’t spoken about money other than for me to tell him that it should never be much of an issue again and that Tim is handling things and would send over the statements. He doesn’t seem inclined to discuss the subject or much of anything that doesn’t directly pertain to the care of our children. 

I think about just hiding out in the back of a coffee shop tonight and reading but I am sick of everyone acting like I don’t have fun anymore and I am tired of Josh acting like I don’t exist. I go to my closet and squeeze myself into one of my old dresses. It displays my new curvier body well and I add really high heels just as a fuck you. I’ve stopped wearing them because of our height difference but I hope that he does feel insecure tonight. Maybe it will snap him out of the funk he is in. An hour of hair and makeup later and I am actually pretty hot. 

He looks a little startled when I come downstairs which makes me smile. “I’m going to use the driver tonight” I tell him. “No telling how drunk I might be. Don’t wait up ok?” I don’t wait to hear if he responds. I give the driver the name of a pretty exclusive club and wonder on the ride there exactly what the hell I am actually going to do when I arrive. I hate nightclubs. They are loud and full of people I don’t know touching me and that is pretty much a description of my personal hell. Josh loves them. When we went to Europe he would stay out all night and party and I would usually sit in my hotel room and drink wine. 

I certainly don’t have any trouble getting in but after I finish my drink I don’t have much to do other than sit there and people watch. I’m still breastfeeding so despite my stupid comment to Josh I’m only having one. I exchange pleasantries with a couple of acquaintances and suddenly feel a familiar presence behind me. I turn and see Chris Hemsworth and he gives me an apologetic half smile. I gesture for him to sit. After a few attempts to talk we realize it is way too loud to actually hold a conversation and move to one of the private rooms. These are sometimes used for more than visiting but people use them to network and talk shop too. 

“I am so sorry for the way I acted at the airport” he tells me. “I was just so upset about Liam and I took it out on you guys.” I reach out and pat his hand. “We understand” I assure him. “I’m so sorry for everything Chris. I miss him too. I miss him so much.” We talk for over 2 hours about Liam and Woody, about old times he had when making Red Dawn with Josh. “I used to call him the Boy Wonder” Chris recalls. “He was just this shrimp of a kid but he was so good at everything and smart as hell, great actor.” I chuckle. “Oh I bet her loved that” I comment. “He fucking hated it” Chris confirmed. “So of course that’s why we kept saying it.” 

It feels good to laugh and joke with a man again and without any pressure or expectations. He tells me all about how his family is doing and shows me pictures of his kids. When the conversation turns to the crash and the details of how we found the body we both become very sober. “I only saw his body once” I tell him. “He was already dead. He likely died in the initial impact or shortly after.” He nods his head solemnly. “What did you do with his body?” he asks after a long while. “I was in pretty bad mental shape for a while” I recall. “Josh, he cremated the bodies and spread them in the ocean. He was hoping that some of them would make it closer to home.” Chris considers this. “Well, I owe him. I owe him a lot” he observes. “So do I” I whisper. 

“Liam loved you both like family” he tells me, even though I already know. “He was glad to do the extra stuff and support you, he was a little bitter that Josh got paid for it and he didn’t but he wanted to be a part of it.” I cock my head. “What do you mean the extra stuff?” He stirs his drink. “You know, some of the extra press and time commitment. Liam said they added that clause into his contract so he was able to negotiate some pay for it. Liam wasn’t really all that involved until later.” Hmmm. Josh never mentioned that which seems odd. I log it away to ask him about later. I am somewhat lost in my own thoughts when Chris asks me if I want to dance. 

Wow, it has been forever since I have actually danced for real. Of course it is club dancing so it is pretty much just bumping and grinding but I do my best and find myself laughing and having a good time. I know a few of the other people dancing around us and goof off with them too. It doesn’t take that long and I am really tired though. Chris decides he is going to leave too. He had come to meet up with a director but their meeting ended before I even arrived. 

He walks me out to the car and I pull him in for a hug. It feels kind of strange to be held by a man who is this large but he smells and feels like Liam and I linger for just a moment because we are both hurting so much, and I miss my friend, and Chris did so much tonight to fill the gap Blaine has been leaving for an older brother to just listen to me and actually care about me as a person. “Thanks for talking it out” I tell him. “Tell your family we said hi.” He smiles. “Will do, take care Jen.” 

When we leave I tell the driver to go to Baskin Robins. It has been a while since dinner and I was so absorbed at the club that I didn’t even think to eat. There is plenty of breast milk in the fridge so Josh should be fine with the kids. I have him drive me around for a long time while I look out the window and eat the heavenly chocolate concoction. I do and don’t want to go home. I want Josh but I want my Joshy, not this person who has shown up and started living with me in his place. 

When I open the door I immediately know that something is wrong. The place reeks of booze. He is sitting at the table with most of a bottle of I don’t even know what already gone. He doesn’t drink like this and I am immediately worried that something happened with one of the kids. “Josh, what’s wrong?” I ask rushing over. He gives me a smile but there is no warmth or love in it. “Well” he starts. “It didn’t take you long.” His eyes are watering and his speech is slightly slurred. He is completely smashed. I have been with socially drunk Josh before but that was years ago. I have never seen this person. 

“One night. The first night and you go straight to him. Not that it totally shocked me. Ok… I guess it shocked me that it was him exactly. What? You loved Liam so much that you want to fuck his stand in?” I am completely floored by his accusations. He tries to stand up but doesn’t quite manage it and has to lean instead. “I mean, I thought you’d get the hunger for a big tall rich guy but I didn’t think you would put two marriages on the line.” I stand there is shock. “You had me followed” is all I can say. 

“Hell yes I did” he answers. “Well kind of, I had my mom come over and I followed you. I like to torture myself and do my own dirty work. I had to know how long you were going to keep up this charade.” He sweeps his hand to indicate our home. “If you didn’t want me you could have told me that before I told the entire world that I am dying of love for you.” So what is hurt worse his heart or his pride?

“It’s not what you think at all” I tell him. “I just saw Chris there by chance. We weren’t meeting up and we didn’t do anything wrong. I would never cheat on you. I would never do that to our family. I love you Josh.” I don’t know what I can say to him to make him understand. “We were just talking about Liam and catching up on old times. He told me about filming Red Dawn with you and about how he would tease you since you were so young then and call you the Boy Wonder.” 

He gives me a look that could kill. “Yeah, I bet you both had a good laugh about that huh?” I didn’t expect that reaction. He looks so physically wound up that for a moment I think that he is going to hit me. “It’s fine” he tells me. “I’m going to go any way and get out of your way and then you can do whatever or whoever you want.” He moves to storm out of the house but I block the way. “No” I insist. “You are not going out there like this. Please stay and work this out with me.” He makes eye contact and he is so sad. That is when I know that I won’t change his mind. He is leaving. He is leaving me all alone. 

I still insist that he use the driver and I instruct him to text me and let me know where he drops him off. He is staying with his mother tonight so that should be safe enough. I have a sleepless night wondering about the state of my marriage and what it means for my two precious children. Tanner looks up at me, a miniature replica of the man that I love who just ripped my heart out. He nurses and nuzzles me and I breathe in his baby scent. He and Evie are my comfort and salvation but we owe them better than this. I can’t abide to return to my empty bed so I sleep on the nursery floor. 

He shows up at my doorstep the next afternoon looking contrite and hung over. He knocks which is a really bad sign. When I open the door we both just stand there unsure what to say. He won’t meet my eyes and I gesture for him to come in. He comes through the door but not much further. “I’m sorry Jennifer” he tells me. “I’m not sure what is going on between you and Chris but I shouldn’t have treated you the way that I did. I was just so upset when I saw you with him. You were gone a really long time and then you were in his arms dancing and hugging and you looked so fucking happy.” His eyes look hollow, lost and devoid of hope. “I have all this shit going on in my head and I’m trying to be a good Dad and I’m not sleeping much.”

I want to reach out and pull him close. He needs me, I know it but I don’t want him to hurt me again like he did last night. “I just came by to get my stuff” he explains. He takes a step forward but I snake out an arm to block his way. “Josh, no. You can’t be serious.” He puts a hand on my shoulder. “Jen, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to live together right now” he says. Things inside of me start to crumble. This is it. He is breaking it off with me. “What do you mean?” I say starting to cry. “You want a divorce?” His eyes finally lift to meet mine. “Do you?” he asks quietly. I shake my head. “No, I want you to come home. We have a family, you can’t just decide to break up with me because we had a fight.” My silent tears are threatening to become loud sobbing. 

He steps forward and hugs me. “No” I say pushing back. “Don’t hold me if you don’t want to. Not if you don’t love me anymore.” My lip is trembling despite my bravado and he lifts his hands to my cheeks and smooths away tears and brings my forehead down to rest against his. “If you think there is any chance that I will ever stop loving you then you don’t know me at all” he says. “I’m not asking for a divorce Jen, but I almost hurt you last night.” I start to protest but he stops me. “I wanted to babe. I wanted to hurt you. I need some space to figure things out and so do you. This isn’t working. I made an appointment with a Psychiatrist and I am going to see if he can help me. I’m not going to stop coming over. I will be here every day to see the kids.”

“What about me?” I ask him. “I want to see you too” he assures me. “Fuck, I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t see you. I would probably lose whatever is left of my sanity.” I give him a look of uncertainty and turn away. “This is why I didn’t want to do this” I tell him. “What?” he asks. “Get married?” I cross my arms over my chest. “Fall in love with you like this, be romantic, fuck each other. I knew you’d want out eventually and then I would lose my best friend. Things are conditional now. We aren’t safe anymore.” 

“I’m always going to be your best friend” he lies. Best friends don’t break your heart and run out on you. “Any time you really need me just give me a call or text me and I’ll come. I promise. This isn’t good bye Jen. It isn’t that at all. I’m asking for time to get my shit together and for you to think about what you really want. But I want it to be on fair terms.” He reaches into the bag at his feet and pulls out an envelope. “Take a look at these” he tells me before he goes. “Read and sign them. It’s what I want.” Then he is going upstairs and packing his things and talking to Evie. In an hour or so he is gone. 

I take the envelope to the couch with dread. He couldn’t have drawn up divorce papers already could he? Or has he been thinking about this longer than he is letting on? I take them out and see the letterhead of a lawyer and nearly faint. Tears begin to fall again as I scan them. Wait a minute, these are not divorce papers. I am more confused than ever as I let them flutter to the ground. He contacted my lawyer and had him draw up that prenuptial agreement. There it sits on my living room floor signed and back dated by my husband this morning. In the event of our divorce he will receive nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, ok, ok. I know that we are not happy that Josh is moving out. I'm not happy either. No one is happy. It's hard to read this deterioration phase of the story. I welcome all of your thoughts and feedback on the drama. Just keep in mind if this depresses you that we still have a long way to go. If this was the last chapter then you could be pissed. The silver lining is that Josh has now admitted there is a serious problem and that he is going to get professional help. There is also the prenuptial agreement that he leaves her at the end. This chapter is not a shining moment for Josh. He is clearly struggling with insecurity and jealousy but having that agreement drafted and signing it now when he doesn't have to says something about who he is and how he feels about Jen. I would like some thoughts and feedback on that element as well and what you think is really going on with him.


	31. The Clauses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer makes some decisions about what she will and will not do to prepare herself for a potential return to public life. While she is recovering she digs into the past and makes some discoveries that cause further damage to her already deeply troubled relationship with Josh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know people. We are in a very frustrating and difficult part of the story and if you are super attached to these characters you are very sad. Fitting, because they are sad too. 
> 
> This chapter will make you no more happy. I would love to hear your feedback on it though. They both have some sins so to speak in past of their relationship that are going to surface in the next few chapters and come back to haunt them in the present. I know, just what they need right? 
> 
> Josh's get revealed in this chapter but Jen has one of her own that is coming down the road. I don't want to depress you though and because I don't want to and because I love you so much I am going to do something that I have never done before and give you two chapters tonight. I don't want to leave you at the start of your weekend with just this one and you will understand why when you finish it. So I will give you two as long as you give me some love in my comments and kudos section. I am enjoying this journey with all of you and hope you find these next two chapters to be an interesting part of the tale. 
> 
> New characters:
> 
> Gary Ross: Gary directed the first Hunger Games movie but then moved on to other projects and did not work on Catching Fire or the Mockingjay films.

He is good to his word. He visits every day and always has kind words for me. He helps with chores and watches Tanner so that I can nap. He takes Evie out sometimes but the baby is still breast feeding and needs to stay with his mommy. We make all the decisions concerning the children together but remain silent on our private and professional lives. 

We agree on sending Evie to a child Psychiatrist and take her to the first few appointments together. She is reluctant to speak to her in the beginning but after a few sessions of artwork and play the Dr. advises us that Evie has had a major shock to her system from all the abrupt changes in her life and that we need to keep her new world and routine as consistent as possible to give her a chance to stabilize and feel confident in her environment again. 

The third time she wets the bed (something she has never had trouble with) Josh has to hold me while I sob. “I’m trying so hard” I tell him. “I know” he whispers. “Me too. She is going to make it through this. She is a tough kid. She is going to adjust and she is going to be ok. We just need to keep loving her and give her more time.” I am so afraid that she is doomed to inherit all of my struggles with anxiety. I can’t help but feel responsible for what she is going through. 

In his absence I patch things up with my mother. We have always been extremely close and although she has acted like a jerk she is still the woman who raised me. She calls and apologizes and asks if she can come and stay with us for a while to help. I agree on the condition that she always treat Josh with kindness and respect and never talk bad about him in front of me or my children. 

There is a lot of interest in me returning to acting but I have told Liz to hold people off for now. The first thing I need to do is get my body back in shape. I have been binge eating ever since my return and desperately need to lose some weight. As much as I hate it I restrict my carbs and start working out with a trainer again. It doesn’t take long to see results or to realize that crunches won’t be enough. I set up a consultation with a plastic surgeon. I dread going through the process because I have heard how awful it is but realistically, I need to have it done if I am going to work again. That is what I keep telling myself. It has nothing to do with my estranged husband. 

I grab him when he comes in from swimming with Evie and try my best not to notice how the damp shirt clings to him. I wish he would take it off. I miss the look of him in just his shorts every day. Josh has always been a redneck. No shirt, no shoes, perfect. 

“I’m going to need to hire someone to stay with me for a couple weeks” I tell him. He grabs a coke from the fridge and pops it open. “Do you need more help with the kids?” he asks. “No, not usually” I tell him. “But my mom needs to go home for a while. It’s her and dad’s anniversary and then her sister is coming to visit.” He looks at me with patience, waiting for me to continue. He knows there is more to the story and is waiting for me to spill it. “I’m getting a tummy tuck and I’m going to be on weight restriction for 5 weeks.”

He comes over and takes my hands which is welcome but surprising. He doesn’t touch me that often anymore. “You aren’t hiring anyone” he says. “I’ll stay here and help. But Jen, are you sure you want to do this? You aren’t letting them talk you into anything?” I sit at the table and try not to look miserable. “I have to” I tell him. “I can’t hide out forever and if I am going to work again I need my figure back.” He sits beside me and shakes his head. “You don’t have to” he insists. “You’re beautiful and there is nothing wrong with your body, it just looks more mature. We aren’t kids anymore. It doesn’t mean you aren’t still a desirable woman.” 

I give a cynical laugh. “Sure, that’s why my husband lives on the other side of town.” He reaches out and touches my cheek. “Please don’t do this because of the mess going on between us right now. It has nothing to do with the way you look. I’m very attracted to you, sometimes it’s all I can do to stay away.” I want to believe him, but I also know that I am going to an empty bed tonight. “Well” I say with an eye roll. “You manage it somehow. Anyway it is a done deal and I’m having it done in two weeks. My team and I decided that this was the right first step. It’s a professional decision really, not a personal one.” He stands and nods in agreement. “I’ll support you if it’s what you want, you know that. But I am taking you.” 

I can barely walk to my room when we get back from the surgery center. I have drainage ports on either side and the worst physical pain I have ever felt next to giving birth. We bought a reclining chair for me to watch TV and sleep in and that is all I pretty much do for the first two weeks. I take Tylenol but refuse the narcotics because I will not stop nursing Tanner. I won’t ask my baby to sacrifice for my vanity. Josh brings him to me when he is hungry and then practically runs out of the room. 

The first day my sweet little baby is being really sloppy and I need a rag. I call for Josh and when he comes in my top is open and hanging down my shoulders. “I need a towel or something” I tell him. He doesn’t move. He just stands there staring at my chest. I let him look his fill until he comes to his senses muttering and retreating to the bathroom to fetch it. “Stay” I tell him as he starts out the door. “There is no use pretending like I will have any privacy” I observe. “You are going to have to help me do everything, there is no way you won’t see me naked.” He looks conflicted. “Hey, you volunteered for this job. I was going to hire a nurse.” 

He sits on the bed. “You don’t like strangers taking care of you” he says. He is right. When we were filming whenever I got sick he would always take care of me himself, knowing how much I hate to be cared for by people I didn’t know. That’s why we always got the same illnesses. 

It is an agonizing month or so on so many levels. The incision is huge and slow healing. It gets more tolerable once they take the drains out but the healing process is cumbersome. I hate being an invalid and Josh has to help bathe and dress me until my mother returns. He cooks all the meals and cares for our children as well. He sleeps in our bed at night while I sit up in the chair. His nearness brings a whirlwind of emotions. I’m so glad to have him back as a friend but I also know that we aren’t just friends anymore and can never be again. 

The day they take my drains out is awful. They don’t numb you or anything. They just tell you to take a deep breath and rip them out. I’m still fighting tears when we get home and I have to climb the stairs. The good thing is that I can finally bathe. My incision cannot soak but Josh runs a few inches of hot water and tells me to have a seat on the toilet lid. It is probably the least romantic setting in the entire world but I still can’t help the way my heart pounds when he stares into my eyes and unbuttons my blouse. 

All of the stress and exhaustion of the past few months hangs thick in the air and the tears start tracking down my cheeks. The room is so silent that I can hear every lingering drop after he shuts the faucet off. He helps me into the tub and washes me tenderly. My skin is covered in the sticky residue left by medical tape but he doesn’t scrub. He covers each patch of flesh with the warm cloth and lets it soak before gentling rubbing so as not to hurt me. It only makes me cry more. I miss this, him taking care of me. I crave the intimacy of getting ready for the day together, of working side by side, of cooking and eating as a couple. 

He looks at me and he knows. He knows things other people could never, even if I told them 100 times. And because he can see what is written all over my face he does something he hasn’t done since the rescue. He lathers up his hands and washes my hair. His fingers message my scalp and it feels like heaven. When we are finished and I am redressed he sits me down and towel dries my hair and then combs it out with his fingers. I have a brush now, he doesn’t need to do it this way. But he does it because even though we are separated, I am still his love and he wants to care for me. 

“I’m surprised they don’t want you to cut it” he says quietly. “They do” I answer. “I’ve definitely been advised that this length is out of fashion and that it looks too conservative but I told them no.” He keeps his fingers moving despite the fact that the tangles are gone. “You like it this way?” he asks. I think about it. “I don’t know” I answer honestly. “Sometimes it is a pain but you like and I feel like I kind of earned it somehow. It took a long time to grow and it reminds me of home. I don’t want to give it up yet. I feel like it’s something that is really me…or at least it was.” I smile at him. “I don’t want to go back to being a piece in everyone else’s game, you know?” He smiles too and kisses my forehead. I fall asleep with a little more peace that night. 

When I am back on my feet he moves out and goes back to visiting daily. I wait a month to wash my sheets until every trace of his scent has disappeared. It will be 6 months to a year until I am completely recovered but I am free to resume normal activates. If only I knew what activities were normal for me that is exactly what I would be doing. 

I need to do something besides sitting around wishing things were different. Evie and Tanner keep me more than busy but I need a project or something to work on. Something besides wishing that I could take a walk on the beach or go to the site to visit Zachary. I pick up the phone and call Liz. “Josh and I want to review our old Hunger Games contracts” I tell her. “We have those royalties tied up in legal right now and we want to take a second look at them. Can you have them sent to me?” I’ve had this in the back of my mind since I talked to Chris that night at the club. Something just seemed off about what he said to me and I can’t put my finger on it.

When they arrive I put mine aside. I know exactly what those say. When I examine Josh’s I find the clause that Chris had mentioned. Towards the end $75,000 is mentioned for “additional services as defined by the Producer and Director for the promotion of the film and interaction with co-stars.” It is a really odd clause. I haven’t read many contracts other than my own but I have never seen anything like it. There is identical verbiage in his contract for Catching Fire only the amount is $150,000. Nothing similar is found in his contracts for the Mockingjay films. 

I should just let it go. It’s none of my business, but I can’t. I would ask Nina but that is clearly impossible. I consider just confronting him about it but fear what his reaction will be since I have been snooping around where I don’t belong. I send Gary an email and we set up a time to talk. I am amazed at how good it is to hear his voice again. He offers his condolences for those we lost and congratulations on my marriage and children. He doesn’t tease me or offer any comment about the fact that I married my co-star. He is polite but all professional, typical of him. 

“Gary” I say. “I have a question that I need an answer to friend to friend. Josh and I were reviewing old contracts and I saw a clause in his about extra services that wasn’t in mine or Liam’s. He didn’t seem very inclined to talk about it with me and I was wondering if you could shed some light on it.” He tries to avoid the question. He knows he shouldn’t discuss the terms of a contract with anyone who wasn’t a relevant party to it. “I need to know Gary” I plead. “I’m not just some stranger, I am his wife and your friend.”

He lets out a long breath that I can clearly hear over the line. “We really wanted you for the role but we knew you had reservations about it. We knew it was going to change your life, put you way out there in front of the press. You were so nervous sometimes and you didn’t know that many people in the business. You have to remember we had no idea you were going to win an Oscar so soon. We asked him to spend some extra time with you. Introduce you around to some people he had already worked with. Make you feel as comfortable as possible onset and during the interviews. We knew you were going to need a friend. But it was a lot of extra time and energy commitment and we didn’t know if the two of you would click or not. We wanted to make sure he had something to show for it.” 

My mind flashes back to the day I flew in for filming on the first movie. He was standing by the driver so that we could ride in together holding a Gatorade and a bag of snacks. He had listened closely to our previous phone conversations and brought all my favorites. I thought he was being nice, that I had found a true friend in a brutal industry. They were paying him, they were paying him the whole time. Everything that he ever did for me was just part of a deal that he worked out with Gary and Francis. My heart shatters into a million pieces. I can hardly breathe. Somehow I manage to thank Gary and get off the phone. 

A job. I was a fucking job. No man has ever stuck with me. Never loved me in the long term. No one except Josh. Now I realize the truth. It wasn’t because he wanted to. He was contractually obligated and then hopelessly stranded. Now that we are back it seems like he wants out. I text my mom and ask her to take the kids for the afternoon and lock myself in my office. I sit in my chair and sob. How much of our life together has been a lie? Clearly the early years of friendship. What about our romance and marriage after the crash? No one was paying him then but was it just his tendency to make the best of a bad situation taken to an extreme? Things have been falling apart since the moment we stepped off that plane. The more I think about it the more devastated I am. I need to pull it together for my children but after a night of restless sleep my mood turns bitter.

My sorrow starts to transform into anger. Fuck him! If he never cared about me anyway then I didn’t lose my best friend. It just sucks to lose what you never knew you didn’t really have. I dead bolt the door and refuse to answer when he comes to see us. The first time he must assume that we are out and just gets back in his car and leaves. The second day he sends me a text. 

Josh: Hey Jen, where are you guys? 

I ignore him. 

Josh: Are you ok? 

Like he really cares.

Josh: Just let me know that you and the kids are alright. Please!

Jen: The kids are fine

Josh: What about you?

Jen: Not sure why it matters to you. You aren’t getting paid anymore. 

Josh: What the hell are you talking about?

Through a sheen of tears I snap a picture of the clause from his first contract and send it to him. Less than 15 minutes later he is banging on the front door. “Jennifer” he calls again and again. “Let me in. We need to talk.” I consider letting him stand out there all day but he is getting louder and more hysterical and I don’t want him to upset Evie or get the cops called on us. 

He looks scared. I expect a flurry of questions about how I found out or who provided me with the details of his contract. “It’s not what it looks like” he pants, trying to catch his breath. “So you didn’t receive extra pay for being my friend?” I ask. I want him to deny it, give me some explanation to make the pain go away. “Not for being your friend” he says. “For helping you network, making sure you felt comfortable and … well… safe. Ensuring you didn’t have to do a lot of interviews by yourself. I let Gary know how you were doing. We didn’t want to push you too far too fast.” I stare at him in disbelief. “I didn’t realize that “we” was you and Gary” I accuse. 

“Look” he says running his fingers through his hair. “I didn’t even know you when I signed the contract. They said you were a little green and had some hesitation in taking the part. Told me they would add a little bonus if I was willing to help you settle in. I didn’t know that I would love you, that we would be like family. If I had known that I wouldn’t have agreed to it.” I walk to the table and scoop up an incriminating paper so that I can throw it in his face. “Really?” I yell reaching up to show him the highlighted passage. “This is your Catching Fire contract.” My face starts to contort with anguish and my voice is shaking as I get the next words out. “You negotiated the price up.” 

He takes a step back and I push him with all my might and he back pedals out the door, doing his best to keep his balance. “Please Jen” he calls but I start hitting him and he has to bring his arms up to his face to block my blows. “Just stay away from me” I scream and turn around and stumble back inside. I let my back hit the wall and slide down to burry my face in my arms. It’s true. He was under contract to stay close to me and to report back to Gary and Francis. Not just a fake friend, but a paid baby sitter. I think back to what Chris said. Liam had known the whole time too. And apparently been frustrated that he didn’t get a cut. Josh always knew me better though. Could read me like a book, anticipate my needs, manage my idiosyncrasies. I just thought that meant that we were soulmates or something. Come to find out it was actually his occupation. 

I let my head fall back against the wall. That’s when I hear it. A quite whimpering from the hall. Oh, no. I get up quickly and turn the corner to see Evie clutching her rag doll and crying. A pile of vomit sits at her feet. “Oh baby” I croon in her ear as I scoop her up and rock her in my arms. “You’re ok, everything will be alright” I repeat dozens of times as I sit on the couch and cuddle her. She eventually calms and I let her sleep in my bed that night. No matter how hurt I am I have to hold it together in front of the kids. I cannot have another outburst like that, she is fragile enough already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is pretty much rock bottom for their relationship. Interested in hearing your thoughts on Jen's tummy tuck and Josh taking care of her. Even when he is at his worst so to speak I still love this character. Poor Evie, I am worried about her and I know many of you are too. Everyone is just so broken right now. Jen's Mom makes a return and starts to show that she may be redeemable after all. More to come from her in coming chapters including the next one. Obviously the clauses in the contract are the big bombshell and Jen has a huge reaction to them. The situation is clearly confusing and hurtful but did she over react just like Josh did about her going to the club and visiting and dancing with Chris? Also, if he was willing to do all that for $225,000 and he is all about the money, why did he go out of his way at the end of the last chapter to give her the security of knowing that in he event of a divorce he would not get any of her money? These are some confusing ones these two.


	32. Can we move on from this?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer is devastated in the wake of Josh's departure from their home and upon reading the clauses in his old contract. Will he be able to offer an explanation for his actions? Will she be able to accept it and move forward?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is the next chapter for you. I didn't want to leave you hanging with that last ending. I won't lie, I was originally intending to but some of you have left me such heartfelt comments that I wanted you to have some immediate answers to the questions that it leaves right away. 
> 
> You all wanted them in counseling and between the last chapter and this one I have them all attending regularly. 
> 
> New Characters: 
> 
> Dr. Degregorio is a completely fictional character that I made up to be their Psychiatrist. He will be in the story a lot and I have grown quite attached to him during my writing. We don't get much of him in this chapter but I am hoping that you will grow to like him too.

I don’t tell my family. They hate him enough as it is and I don’t need any I told you so comments from my father or Blaine. We text back and forth to arrange times for him to get the kids or to stay at the house while I go out. He tries to talk to me so I make sure to be gone before he arrives. I offer my mother no explanation for my change in attitude. She sees it though, my detachment and how unhappy I have become. I would love to drown it in alcohol but the sweet face of my baby keeps my better judgement in place. 

My nightmares return and double in frequency and intensity. I can’t let Evie sleep with me anymore. I manage a cool and confident persona during the day, but at night I lay in bed and tremble, too afraid to close my eyes. It is on my third night of virtually no rest that I finally break down. I sob uncontrollably into my pillow and will the world to just disappear. My mother comes in to hold me. I cling to her and let the full weight of hurt take me over. 

“I want to go home” I cry into her shoulder. She tries to sooth me, to tell me that I am home and then sighs in defeat. “I know” she says quietly. “I’m so homesick” I whisper. “I just want to go home where everything is normal. I want him Momma. I need him.” She kisses my cheek and forehead. “Oh Jennifer” she says. “You’re just still so young and so in love. But honey as much heartache as you feel right now I think he is hurting just as much.” That sets me to crying even harder. If only she knew. “He isn’t” I say miserably. “That’s not what his mother says” she counters. 

I sit back and wipe my face. “You’ve been talking to Michelle?” I question. She nods. “Well we are both gossips and we share the same grandkids.” I lay my head on her shoulder. “What did she say?” I ask trying not to sound too interested. “That he is really struggling. That she has never seen him this unhappy and that he misses you terribly.” I sniff and wipe my hand on my sleeve. “Then why hasn’t he come home?” I ask her. “Well honey, I get the feeling you haven’t been that nice to him recently either.” 

I think about what she says. As bad as I feel, he has looked awful the few times I have seen him recently. Maybe I should hear him out. It’s on my mind as I drift off the next night only to be awoken by a horrific dream of holding Zachary’s lifeless body. Of watching Josh wrap him and place him in his shallow grave. My mind is reeling and what little I ate for dinner is threatening to come back up. Before I can think it through I grab my phone. 

Jen: Please come over. I need you. 

I am shocked to hear him walking through the house just a short time later. I stopped dead bolting it and he knows the code but I can’t believe he was able to get over here so fast. He must have already been out. I hear my bedroom door open and close. I reach over and flip the lamp on. His eyes look droopy and his hair is messed up. He is wearing sweatpants and a wife beater with flip flops. He looks like hell and I am sure that we are a matched set. We don’t speak. Instead, I lift the side of the covers and he shucks his pants and climbs in. I bury my face in his chest and throw my leg over his hips. I don’t care what he has done in the past or why he is here now. I need him to hold me. He is the only one who understands what is wrong. His hands stroke my back and when I lift my hand to his face I find that he has been crying too. We hold on to each other desperately until we both drift off into oblivion. 

When I wake the next morning it is to Tanner’s hungry cries. I pick him up from his crib and go downstairs to find Josh and Evie eating cereal and watching cartoons on the couch. They probably have the same taste in programming. “Mommy” Evie says bouncing up and down on the cushions. “Daddy slept over!” she announces pointing her spoon at him. I nod and sit on the loveseat to feed the baby. 

My mother comes in and starts to brew coffee but doesn’t act like anything is outside of the ordinary. She makes bacon and eggs and invites him to stay and eat with us and we have a really good time trying to make various shapes of pancakes on the griddle. “I have a meeting today to discuss a few things with Liz” he says cryptically. “So I need to get going.” He stands and clears his plate and then walks over to hug and kiss the kids and leaves a peck on my forehead too. “I left a letter in your room” he tells me. “I’ve been trying to give it to you for a while. Can you please take some time to read it?” I agree and he thanks me before he goes. 

The moment the front door closes my mother takes Tanner and gives me a knowing look. “Go on honey” she smiles gesturing to my room. I don’t bother trying to look smooth. I kiss her cheek and go racing up the stairs. I see it on the nightstand. Without hesitation I grab it and rip it open. I can’t imagine what he might have to say on the issue at this point. 

My Dearest Jennifer,

I am so sorry for everything I have ever done to hurt you. I can’t imagine how you felt when you read those clauses without knowing the context of how I truly think and feel. I have loved you since the first time we played together and I always will. I don’t think you and I can quit each other. We can definitely break each other’s hearts though. The deep friendship I had with you was 100% real and had nothing to do with that contract. I updated Gary and Francis on how you were doing because I was trying to help you and so were they. I would do anything to make you happy and make your life easier or better. 

I was telling you the truth when I said that I would not have agreed to take the money if we had known each other first. It is a source of immense shame that I allowed it to be included in the second contract but my family needed the money and it was a way I could get it and I didn’t think it would hurt anyone. But I knew it was wrong even then. I should never have taken payment for anything involving you without your full knowledge and participation. 

It might not matter now but I gave the money back and I never took anymore after that. I am sure you saw that there was nothing in my Mockingjay contract. I tried to return the funds to Lionsgate but they wouldn’t take it since it was legally owed to me. I gave it to Norton Children's Hospital before we even finished filming the last movies. If you request the records you will find a $225,000 donation from an anonymous donor. I knew it is where you would want it to go. It still does not excuse what I did but I wanted you to know that some good came out of my dishonor. I hope that you don’t hate me for the rest of your life but I can understand if you do. If the tables were turned I am not sure I would ever get over it. 

I will always be your best friend and will love you forever,

Joshy 

I stand there holding it for a long time then I pick up my phone and fire an email off to Tim to check in to it. The next day he confirms that the hospital received the donation just like he said. It is a lot to process and I will need some time to get perspective on it. In the meantime I send Josh a message. 

Jen: I don’t hate you. Please come over for dinner with us tomorrow. We are having McDonalds. 

As I sit and watch him finish his second Big Mac I want to throw up. How can someone eat like that and still look so good? I confine myself to an Egg McMuffin because the 24 hour McDonald’s breakfast menu is the finest improvement that society made in our absence. When we are finished I sit on the back porch holding Tanner and watch Josh and Evie play. He bought her an adjustable hoop so that it can be lowered enough for her to toss a miniature basketball in. Even so, after a while she tires and then squeals for him to lift her up so that she can reach it. She loves her Daddy. We need to work this shit out so that we can give her the security she needs again. I don’t want to get divorce and share custody. I want them with both of us 100% of the time. 

When we do head in I lay the baby down and my mother offers to give Evie her bath. He stands in the kitchen awkwardly trying to decide if he is allowed to stay. “Evie loves that hoop” I tell him. “Forget her” he says “I bought that so that I can dunk it.” It’s a dumb joke but his face is so cute that I laugh anyway. “Do you want a beer?” I ask. “I’d love one” he says with a smile and I toss a bottle over the island before going to pour myself a glass of wine. “Am I hoping for too much when I assume that the McDonald’s was an olive branch?” he asks hesitantly. “Don’t flatter yourself” I tease. “Evie wanted a happy meal.” 

I plop down in a chair and pull my hair back behind my ears. “Honestly Josh, if we weren’t married and we didn’t have the kids I don’t know what my next move would be. You moving out and seeing those clauses has really hurt and confused me. But you are my husband and Evie and Tanner need us and I have too much to lose to walk away because I’m afraid. I don’t have a lot of pride anyway so that’s not going to get in the way. But I am not sure if I am going to be able to trust you again. I want to though. I want to try to work things out, for all of us.” 

He nods and takes my hand. “I’ve been working on things and I feel like I have made some progress” he tells me. “But I have a ways to go and I need you to be sure that being married to me is what you really want. I know what we had on the island was incredible but things are so different here, we are different too. I need us both to be sure.” I play with his fingers while I am thinking. “You seem to be doing a lot better” I observe. “Most of the time” he confirms. “The biggest difference is that I am sleeping now. I’ve been seeing a Psychiatrist, Dr. Degregorio and he put me on some sleeping pills. It makes me nervous though. I’m afraid I will take them and then you or the kids will need me and I won’t hear my phone.” I can understand, it is the exact reason I haven’t asked for something similar. 

“Have your nightmares been bad?” he asks in concern. I nod slowly and hide my eyes. I don’t want him to see the trepidation in them. “I asked my doctor if he would be willing to treat you too and he said yes” he offers. “I know you had one when we left but that she moved to New York. If you aren’t seeing any one he is really good. I know you would prefer a female but he specializes in PTSD which is what brought me there.” He is so earnest, so hopeful that things will get better. It’s his positivity that draws me in even when I try to swim against the current. I stand and lift his face before planting a soft kiss on his lips. “I’ll call his office” I promise before saying goodnight. 

A week later I am sitting on a couch opposite an aging military retiree. I am guessing by his name, skin tone, and accent that he is of Latino descent. No wonder Josh picked this guy. “I want to be very clear with you that even though I am also treating your husband I will respect the right each of you have to confidentiality. That being said, down the road if you are both willing I think some joint sessions may also be helpful. I know from what he has said that you have been through a lot over the past 15 or so years. Can you tell me about yourself and your journey in your own words?” 

That is how it starts. My sessions with Dr. Degregorio. He is a great listener and knows how to leverage questions to help me work through things and solution some of my own problems. I never feel like he is telling me what to do. I had my prescriptions renewed when I got back but he suggests that I make a few changes and upgrade to a newer form of one of the drugs, raise the dosage of the second, and eliminate the third altogether. He thinks that as my life stabilizes I may be able to go down to just one medication for anxiety management. “Why do you think you have so much anxiety?” he asks one day. 

“I don’t know” I say. “I always have. I just feel like I have way too much energy sometimes and I don’t trust myself to be able to handle problems when they come up.” He looks thoughtful. “Do you think that is a reasonable assessment?” he counters. “What?” I ask. “Is it reasonable to say that you have a track record of not being able to handle the problems that have come up in your life?” I turn this over in my head for a few minutes. “No, with some time and support I have been able to overcome most things” I respond. He nods before ending the session. That knowledge sticks with me for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I gave you two chapters in one night so make sure to leave some sugar for me. I don't even care if it is positive or negative, I just like to hear from you. I did want to note that Norton Children's Hospital is Jen's favorite charity and she visits pretty much every year on Christmas Eve. I would love your thoughts on his note to her and the whole chapter in general. How about that budding friendship between Karen and Michelle? What's up with that? Also some interesting thoughts that the doctor leaves her with at the end. There is really a whole lot in this one and it gives us some good momentum moving forward.


	33. Interviews

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen and Josh stumble over his return to filming as they try to navigate this new situation and what it means to their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the great feedback after my last post. I am going to give you another chapter tonight because my week is only going to get busier. You can thank avis11 for the cute scene in this chapter with Josh and Tanner as it was added based on feedback on wanting to see more of their dynamic and I agree that it was needed as well. 
> 
> So some of you had something to say about Jen's Tummy Tuck and you are right that she shouldn't have had it done because she didn't want to do it and she did it because she was insecure and felt pressure. I completely agree with the thoughts posted on it. 
> 
> Full disclosure, I had one in October while I was actually writing and posting this story but I had it done for all the right reasons. But that is why I was able to describe the recovery and all, lived that. My adorable and cutie husband was super supportive and took three weeks off of work to watch the kids but he didn't want me to do it for looks (he was scared to death for me to do it at all). My oldest son was born 23 and a half inches tall and I am not a big woman. It left me with a 4 inch abdominal separation that I lived with for years until I had my last baby. When she was a little over a year I had it fixed and I am still healing. My advice is this, if you really need it done it is worth it. I feel so much better and stronger now that it is fixed. But if you are just going to do it for cosmetics it might not be worth it. It is a very invasive surgery with a long recovery and it is very painful. It also leaves a big scar. 
> 
> All that to say if you are thinking about it feel free to message me and I would be fine with answering ANY question about it. I am pretty up front and honest about things and I haven't hidden having it done from any one that I know. 
> 
> So back to the story and new characters:
> 
> Ashley Farthing: She is a fictional actress that I made up who is kind of the big thing when Jen and Josh come back from the island. 
> 
> Just a warning that this chapter features the return of sexual content which we have not had for a while but will have off and on every chapter or so for the rest of the story. I haven't been warning you since the story has an E rating but I wanted to give you the heads up since we have not had it in a while.

Josh texts a few days later and asks if he can bring pizza over for lunch on Saturday. He usually just comes over so setting up a formal time seems kind of odd. 

Jen: Is something up?

Josh: No, just want to see you guys. I do need to talk to you about something but it is not an emergency. 

Jen: Ok, I guess I can wait two more days to talk about the thing you clearly already know what you are going to say about. Now I will be wondering. I hate when people tell me that we need to talk.

The next morning I am folding clothes when I get a text from Laura.

Laura: Tell Josh I said congrats

It’s puzzling but I just keep working until I receive a few more contacts from friends offering their well wishes. I sit down and run a search on my phone hoping against hope I am not going to find anything of significance. The first result when I put his name in google search and set the filter to news: “Josh Hutcherson to replace Zac Efron in new Science Fiction Romance film”. I read the article in disbelief. The movie was already cast but Zac got injured surfing and won’t be able to do the stunt work needed on the project timeline. He will be acting opposite Ashley Farthing and they paid him $2 million up front. Filming begins in a few weeks and at least parts of it will be on location. We have talked about him working again but I didn’t realize that it would be this soon. I am burning mad at him. It was fine for him to start working again but a major film in a few weeks and didn’t even mention it? Rebuilding trust with me is apparently a huge priority for him.

This is clearly what he was going to tell me about but he should have discussed it with me before he signed. Just then I get another text. 

Josh: I am so sorry babe. They weren’t supposed to announce so soon. I wanted to be the first to tell you. I wanted to talk about it with you but I knew you wouldn’t want me take and I need to do this. When they called me about it they pretty much needed a decision right away. 

Jen: Congrats, it’s a big opportunity and a part you always wanted. Would have been nice if we could have talked about it. It’s not like we have two small children together or anything. 

Josh: I can take them with me for part of it

Jen: Over my dead body will you be taking my children away from their home 

Josh: I really am sorry but I need to take this part. I still plan to come over Saturday so we can talk.

Jen: Don’t bother, Google filled me in 

He does try to maximize his time with the kids before he leaves, coming over pretty early most days and staying well into the evening. Tanner’s preference is definitely me but he is happy to let Daddy hold him too until he gets hungry. I love to watch them together. There is something irresistibly handsome about a man caring attentively for a baby. One night I get a text from him very late. 

Josh: Can I come over and see the kids? I know they are sleeping but I just want to look in. 

Jen: You don’t have to ask. This is your house too and they are your kids. You can come and see them any time. 

The security system notifies me that someone has entered the code and opened the front door and I hear him walk down the hallway. After some time he goes back downstairs but there is never an indication that the door has been opened again. Thirty minutes go by and I slip on my robe to go and check on him. I stop halfway down the stairs. The scene before me tugs at my heart and I can’t stay angry about the deal he signed. 

Josh is sitting in the glider rocking a sleeping Tanner. He has removed his shirt and our son is cradled against his chest. I can hear that he is singing to him and when I get closer I can make out the words of Goodnight My Angel. He used to sing it to Evie too. I smile. He is not a good singer. Tanner’s little face is smashed against his father and he is starting to drool. Josh looks up and is startled to see me but then his eyes soften. 

He looks back down at the baby in his arms. “I just needed to see him” he whispers. I nod and place a soft kiss on the top of both of their heads. “I saw something on the news yesterday about SIDS and then I couldn’t stop thinking about Zachary. I needed to see that he was alright, watch his little chest rise and fall.” We take him back upstairs together and tuck him in. We check on Evie and then he kisses me goodnight. I lay back down but notice that I still don’t receive a notification from the security system. In the morning I go down to find him asleep on the couch. 

Two weeks later he is in Atlanta shooting. For all the press it is getting, it really is not going to take an obnoxious amount of his time. The initial shoot is 3 weeks and then he has to come back for another 2 weeks later. I can deal with him being gone, I just hated being left out of the initial decision. 

I am fine with him making another movie. That is until I see the first cast interviews. Laura calls to tell me that she saw them on Youtube and that I am not going to be happy. I watch my husband sitting on a love seat beside Ashley Farthing, the girl I watched win a Golden Globe not that long ago. She is young and gorgeous and can’t keep her hands to herself. They play an interview game with some press person from MTV and both act like they have known each other forever. 

She makes a point of telling the camera how strong he is and how funny he is on set. He says that she is really talented and that he can’t wait to see what a great film they will be able to make together. At one point her hand comes to rest on his knee and I want to break her thin little arm. He shrugs her off but remains friendly and polite. I am upset but keeping my shit together until she laughs at one of his jokes and that hand returns to his knee. “Joshy” she says in a flirtatious voice. “You are just the best.” 

I see red, grab my phone and prepare to spew fire. “Hey Jen” he answers happily. “What the fuck was that?” I yell into the receiver. “What?” he asks all innocent. “What’s going on?” I clench my fist so tight I think I might break my phone. “I saw the MTV interview dipshit” I throw back. “Those are lame, so what?” he says. “So she was all over you and you looked pretty damn happy about it.” The line is silent for a few moments. “Are you fucking her?” I ask, surprising even myself. I sound hurt and that is not the position I want to be in. 

“Ashley?” he asks. “Are you crazy? Hell no, I’m not fucking her. I don’t even like working with her.” That takes me back. Josh gets along with everyone. It’s not like him to talk shit about other actors. “Jen” he says in a steady voice trying to calm me down. “You know how those interviews work. It’s our job to act like we love working together, have chemistry, all that bullshit. That’s the business. You know that, you’ve done it hundreds of times. She is just some girl that I’m filming with.”

“Yeah” I say. “That’s what Claudia started out being too. And so did I.” He actually chuckles a little. “I should make a video of her when she doesn’t realize it and send it to you. I promise your worries would be over. She is a total diva, really stuck on herself, treats the crew like shit. She brought up her Golden Globe four different times in the first conversation we ever had.” I let myself breathe a little. Josh hates those type of people. “You can see that she’s pretty but she’s just a kid.” I bite my lower lip. “She’s 20 Josh. That isn’t much of an age difference at all.” 

He sighs. “Well, she seems like a kid to me. I’m already sick of hearing her whining. Even if I was young and single, she is not the babe I would be chasing. I know we are separated now but I’m being 100% true to you. There is no one else I am interested in. I miss you and I will be home in two weeks and I can’t wait to see all of you.” He waits to see if I will say more. “Ok” he eventually relents. “I’ll talk to her. Remind her to keep her hands to herself. I will make it clear to one and all that I am a married man and that you will kill anyone who looks at me.” 

“No flirting with her” I insist angrily. “No unnecessary touching or hanging out in the trailer at night. Only what you have to do for the shoot. AND under absolutely no circumstances whatsoever is she to EVER call you Joshy!” His breathing gets heavier but he doesn’t speak. “Are you running around or something when you are supposed to be talking this out with me?” I shout. “No” he gets out. “But my pants feel about two sizes too small all of a sudden. Damn you’re sexy when you are pissed at me. And fuck if jealous Jennifer doesn’t make me want to do something about it.” There is mirth mixed with desire in his voice by the end of his comments and it warms me a little. Things are ok. He isn’t sleeping with that girl. At least not now. He will straighten things out. I guess it is natural that we would have some conflict on this eventually. Neither of us has ever had to navigate filming and press tours as a married person. I would just feel a whole lot better about the whole thing if he had fucked me before he left. 

His comments are still on my mind when I fall asleep that night. I’ve been doing my best not to think about sex because there is more important shit going on in my life but as I toss and turn his hands and mouth return to my body. His lips find a sensitive spot on my neck and begin to nuzzle and suck. I try to resist him but have to cry out when he leaves several bites along my collar bone. His descent is slow, sensual and my nipples are pointed into rigid peaks by the time he laves one with his tongue. The perfect wet pressure arches my back and has me shoving my tits into his face for more. He gives it to me by sucking on each one in turn while plucking the other to the point of pleasure and delicious pain. 

I call his name, beg him to fill me. He runs his hands on my chest, my legs, my thighs, but will not give me relief where I need it most. I try to reach for him, bring him the same torture but he alludes me. My body aches with desire and frustration. I wake covered in a sheen of sweat, sheets twisted about my waist, and my clit throbbing with suppressed need. 

I pull my panties off and stick my finger in my mouth before bringing it down to the swollen bundle. I touch it lightly and moan at how sensitive it is. There is no way I can deny it satisfaction any more. I do my best not to think of him. His cocky voice telling me he should do something about it. Fuck yes he should. So why isn’t he here right now with his face buried in my pussy? Shit, I shouldn’t think about that. I try to picture Nick as I circle my clit again and again. When I can’t hold the vision I try to remember what it felt like when Chris held me, when Liam kissed me. 

But it isn’t their voices that I hear as my stomach starts to clench. Isn’t their words whispered in my ear as my excitement begins to reach its peak. Isn’t their mouths I desperately wish would replace my fingers as I cum in the darkness. “Josh” I moan, continuing to rub, reaching a second peak as I remember the force of his thrusting as he panted in my ear. “Jennifer, fuck I need you. You are everything baby, everything. I could blow a load just watching you do the dishes.” When my body relaxes I wipe away a few tears. That is what makes it so hard to even think about ever moving on. He doesn’t just please me, he knows how to make me laugh. We have explored each other completely and I don’t think that I will ever be able to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is new territory for them. They have never faced acting in films and promoting them while being married. Obviously Josh should have talked to her before taking the part for sure. Would also like your thoughts on the visit from Josh in the middle of the night to see the kids. Josh working again brings out the jealous Jen. Not sure if that element of it is good or bad for moving their relationship forward. It brings up her insecurities but will it alleviate some of his? I love hearing your thoughts and comments.


	34. Already Known

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh'a mother steps up to help while he is away and a visit from an old friend reminds Jen of past sins. Is it water under the bridge or is it still impacting her marriage today?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you all so much for following my story and leaving feedback. It really does mean a lot to me and you keep me plugging away at finishing this thing day after day. 
> 
> This is a small update but it is an important one. Some interesting things from the past come to the surface when Jen has a visit with an old cast mate but make sure not to overlook the first part of the chapter with Josh's mother. It is small but significant. She will be a pretty consistent character moving forward.
> 
> New characters: Jena Malone is a mutual friend of both Jen and Josh. She played Johanna Mason in the Hunger Games movies and was one of the few people present when they filmed the majority of Catching Fire in Hawaii. She has been referenced in the story while they were on the island but this is the first time we actually meet her.

Michelle steps up to help me more while he is gone. He normally takes them to her house but she offers to watch them here to make things more convenient for me and I am appreciative. Besides giving me a chance to respond to some of the things Tim and Liz have sent me it also gives me a chance to watch her interact with them. She loves them and treats them with respect, but not with the same indulgent maternal warmth I am used to. Her expectations are high and she is always challenging Evie to do better, try harder. It isn’t my style but she did raise too highly successful and wonderful sons so I will not be questioning her methods. 

She is friendlier with me than in the past and brings photos of Josh when he was a baby. I can’t tell him and Tanner apart. We sip coffee one morning and marvel at how much my son resembles his father. “It’s like a window back in time” she says looking wistful. She doesn’t bring up the fact that we are separated and I don’t use her to pry information about him. “I was thinking” she says “I don’t want to push you dear, you have been very dedicated to getting Evie and Tanner settled but isn’t it time to consider giving Evie a chance to interact with other children?” I nod and take another drink. “I know” I sigh “it’s just so hard given our circumstances. I don’t actually know any kids her age and I can’t just take her to a play place or a day care.” She gets up and puts her mug in the sink. “Your friend Laura has children doesn’t she?” she suggests. It’s a good idea. “Thanks” I tell her. “I will see if I can arrange it.” She picks up her purse to leave and shocks the hell out of me when she comes forward to give me a hug. “You’re a good mother” she tells me. “My grandchildren are lucky to have you.”

That weekend I finally get a chance to see Jenna and we meet in the private room of a restaurant for dinner. When she walks in I run to embrace her. “Oh my God” she says quietly refusing to let me go. “I thought that I would never see you again.” It is great to catch up with her and hear all about her family and some of the projects she has been working on. I ask about Sam and Jeffrey. We don’t talk about Liam, Francis, Woody, or Nina. Being with someone who actually knew them makes the wound new and tender somehow and I don’t want to cry tonight. I show her pictures of my kids and she doesn’t pry for information on how Josh and I got together. Maybe that is why I trust her enough to talk about it. 

“Have you seen Josh yet?” I ask her. “Sure have” she says with a laugh. “What happened to him while you were gone? I mean when did little Joshy become so hot?” I scowl for a minute before I realize that she is baiting me. “Don’t worry Jen, you don’t have any competition where that boy is concerned but if that place has that transformational effect on everyone I am going to send my husband for a few days.” I allow myself to chuckle too. 

“Thanks for recognizing my good taste but I’m not sure you are right about the competition thing. We haven’t been doing that well. Actually Jenna, we are separated right now.” She sits up so fast she nearly knocks her drink off the table. “You kicked him out?” she asks incredulously. “No” I tell her. “To tell you the truth he was the one who left. Said he needed some space to figure things out, that he needed me to be sure that we both wanted to be married.” She is shaking her head in disbelief. “So you are telling me that Josh … Josh Hutcherson left you right after you had his baby. I don’t believe it…unless..” 

“What?” I ask her getting excited that she might have some insight to offer me. She knew us well before the crash and has always been like a big sister. “Unless he thinks that you don’t want him around” she finishes. I give her a smirk. “Trust me Jenna, I have made it totally clear that I want him around.” She puts her chin in her hand as though weighing the great issues of the universe. “Maybe being back here made him jumpy” she adds. “I mean you haven’t always wanted to be his girlfriend Jen and I can recall some pretty harsh stuff you had to say about it.”

I haven’t thought about that conversation in years and NEVER want to revisit it again. We were wrapping up filming for Catching Fire and Josh and I had been spending a lot of time together. It was really fun learning to dance, goofing off on set, paddle boarding during lunch. We spent evenings watching stupid TV, eating candy, and hanging out at the beach. Some of the crew and cast were starting to tease us and Jenna and Sam were the worst. One night when we were sitting on the back porch of my beach house they started to sing “Can you Feel the Love Tonight” in the background. It was beginning to make things awkward and that pissed me off. I had a good thing going and I didn’t want them to ruin it. I was also embarrassed because despite the fact that he was single he had never given me any indication that he desired me to be any more than a friend. 

I went to Jenna’s to drink a few beers and she asked what was going on between us. “Nothing” I said. “It’s not like I am going to sleep with Josh. I mean he is a nice kid and I like goofing around with him but come on. I have Nick waiting for me and I’ve been asked out by a couple of Directors. You don’t settle for the boy when you can have a man. I’m already acting at a higher level than him and I only have a few years of experience. Besides, I think I would rather have someone who wouldn’t be smaller than our kids by the time they reach the 7th grade.” I laughed then. I laughed at the idea that I would ever fall for him. Because I wanted Jenna to drop it. I wanted everyone to leave me alone. I didn’t want them to know about all the confusing feelings I was having. 

I can tell from her face that she realizes that I have just relived the moment. “Not one of your finest hours” she observes unnecessarily. “I know” I groan putting my head in my hands. “I was a total self-absorbed bitch but I didn’t mean any of it. I just wanted you to quit teasing me. At least he never knew that I said that.” She looks guilty all of a sudden and my stomach drops to my feet. “Actually he does” she says. “I told him.” I get up from my seat and consider strangling her before I start to pace. 

“Why?” I say my voice rising. “Why would you do that?” She gets up and puts her hands on my shoulders. “Sit” she insists. “It’s been a long fucking time ago now. I told him right after we wrapped that spring.” She takes a long pause and looks straight into my eyes. “He needed to move on Jen. He was getting ideas about you guys and it was never going to happen. I pushed you to see if you would give me a definitive answer and that is what you said. He is like a brother to me and I thought I was doing what was best for him. You weren’t going to give him a chance. I told him like it was so that he could have a chance at a real love life. He deserved more than you just giving him blue balls all the time.”

“I never led him on” I insist “and I loved him more than anyone.” She reaches across the table to put a hand over mine. “I know” she says. “That was the worst part. It was all there but you didn’t seem to want it. It doesn’t matter now. You two will work this thing out. I would bet my life on it. You just need to be aware that he has baggage like this mixed up in his mind with all the sweet things nothings you are trying to whisper in his ear.” I wish I shared Jenna’s confidence. But now I know that he heard all those things that I said, those awful things that I said. He can forgive me, I know it. Josh could forgive me anything but what worries me most is that in all of our years together in isolation and thousands of conversations and lovemaking sessions he never mentioned it to me once. He never gave an indication that he knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...there is a couple of things I would love to hear your thoughts on from this chapter. He has to still have this at least at the back of his mind. If my husband had said those types of things it would not matter how long ago it was or how much I love him now I would still remember it. I could get past it, but I would not forget. 
> 
> I also want to question her last thought. She says that in all the years since he never gave any indication that he knew that she said these things, but is that really true? Thinking back on the evolution of the relationship has he never given her a clue about this? (there is no right or wrong definitive answer by the way but I am sure there are some opinions floating around) 
> 
> I read a story not that long ago about a girl whose mother took her and her siblings out into a field and let them scatter a feather pillow all over it. Once it was completely destroyed she told them to gather all of the dander back up and put it back in the case. It was impossible of course, the pieces were too small and scattered. Then she told them that words are like that. Once spoken we can never gather them back up and return them. This is a difficult lesson and one that is weighing on Jen very heavily at this point. 
> 
> The conversation with Jena and his knowledge of it are obviously the bomb shell but the section about Josh's Mom is also important and I would love to see some comments on that too. We are learning a little more about her and how his family might play into this whole situation.


	35. The Show Must Go On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer and Josh must decide how to handle it when the press discovers that the couple is separated. They can fix their image, but does it do the real relationship more harm than good?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank so much to all who are following this story and leaving me feedback. I love to hear from you and it keeps me motivated to keep on trucking. 
> 
> I love these characters as much as anyone and they are in a difficult stage right now and I know that I am giving you kind of a Debbie downer update on a Saturday night but there is some significant stuff in this chapter and one of the more powerful images in the story. 
> 
> Besides, I can't be a Hunger Games fan writing a Hunger Games kind of related fanfiction without including an element of showmance and Real or Not Real moments. I would be selling you and this fic short if I didn't. 
> 
> Make sure leave me a comment when you finish reading.

Two days later I am sitting on the couch in Dr. Degregorio’s office. My phone keeps vibrating but I am ignoring it. “You and your husband have a complicated relationship that resulted from complex shared experiences” he observes. “No, not really” I counter. “We met and clicked right away. Pretty much best friends from day one and we got to work together a lot which was great. We were like family. Then the crash happened and we were literally together all time, fell in love, got married, had babies. I mean, that’s what people do right? Meet and get to know each other and then get together?” 

He shakes his head with a smile. I think I am starting to grow on him. “This is something you have said many times Jennifer” he tells me. “Why do you think it is important to you that your relationship with him be a simple one?” I have to ponder this. “Because I’m no good at navigating complicated relationships” I tell him. “And I don’t like things that I don’t understand. I felt safest when we were just friends and then later when we were married but it was only the two of us.” He types some notes on his computer. 

“Most intimate relationships have complexities to them” he shares. “Let me ask you, do you think the transition from friends to lovers happened at the same time for both of you and that there was a clear starting and ending point?” Fuck, why does he have to be so wise and shit? I think about those practice kisses we shared when were still just kids and hadn’t even started filming, that time I offered myself to him in the ocean and he refused. “No” I admit. “Things were kind of muddled from early on and there were times when I was confused. I had conflicting feelings about him off and on even before we were together.”

“It is important for you to confront that” he tells me. “And to understand that he is sorting it out too. You met as co-workers but quickly started to spend a lot of time together in close quarters. Because of your jobs you touched and kissed one another whether it was real or not. You shared the four most transformational events of your lives together: the Hungers Games and all the changes it brought, losing so many of your close friends, being stranded on the island, and having children. Coming back here is another huge transition for you both and neither can expect that the other will always have reasonable and consistent thoughts, feelings, and actions concerning it or your relationship. Working yourselves out will take time, but you will gain more clarity. You were complex beings before you even started this journey and it has been a tumultuous one.” 

He has given me a lot to think about. On the way home I pull out my phone and see several texts and missed calls from Josh.

Josh: The media knows that were are not together anymore

That makes my stomach lurch. He didn’t say separated, he said not together anymore. 

Josh: Not sure what you want to do about this

Josh: Going to call Liz and we can talk later

I run some quick searches on my phone. There are a few gossip sites and TMZ stating that he isn’t living at my house and that we are working out a divorce and custody agreement. Some of them speculate that he is already dating Ashley Farthing. A couple more citing anonymous sources that I kicked him out because of an affair or that he left because I am in rehab. 

I am interrupted by an incoming call from him. He starts talking right away. “I already spoke with Liz and she said she needs a couple of hours to think about it and then will do a conference call with us. She thinks a press release might make it worse, validate that there might be an issue. I don’t think admitting to the separation is a good idea at this point. It will just fuel things, intensify the interest. What do you want to do?” I take a few breathes. I don’t want to hyperventilate. “Do you still want to work on things? Give it more time?” I ask carefully. “Of course” he says without hesitation. “Then we need to quash it” I state. He agrees and in a few hours I am dialing in to Liz’s conference line.

“So you are committed to a joint response to this?” she asks for clarification and we both agree. “Well” she continues “I was thinking that an action of some kind might serve our purposes better than responding in print. We could also just ignore it and see what happens.” She doesn’t ask if it is true. Maybe Josh has even told her what is going on. “What kind of an action?” I ask. “An appearance of some sort, let them see you together. Nothing is more powerful for the image of a high profile couple than video and photos of some wedded bliss.”

“Josh is flying home soon. I could meet him at the airport, bring the kids. Make it a real cute show” I suggest. He doesn’t offer any reaction. “It’s not a bad idea” Liz says thoughtfully. “I can ensure that a few favorable media outlets have the heads up so that it gets some rosy coverage. It will be your first public appearance though Jen. It drums up the perfect wife and mother bit but it won’t do anything to help your strong independent woman reputation.” Oh, because I am super focused on that right now. “Whatever” I say dismissively. “Let’s work on fixing this problem. I have lots of amazon woman survivor stories to share whenever I make the press rounds again. I don’t think anyone is going to label me a pussy.” 

We work out the details and decide to leave Evie out of it. Tanner’s presence will be sufficient and he could care less where I take him and who is there. Before I know it I am standing in the private waiting area of a terminal holding my baby in front of half a dozen cameras. They are all here with the understanding that I will not be taking open questions. I share with them how happy I am that my husband is coming home and let them capture images of the new me and my baby boy.

The scene is perfect. When he sees us his eyes light up and I rush straight into his arms. He holds us both for a moment before taking Tanner and giving him a peck and propping him on this hip. His hand reaches forward to guide my mouth down to his and we kiss deeply. I feel his tongue enter my mouth and I moan in spite of myself. My hands find his hair and we might just have a total make out session for the whole world to see except that Tanner takes that moment to let out a happy squeal. It brings me back to my senses and our lips part but he still holds me close, whispering in my ear that what we just did was probably on par with that freaky kiss Woody gave Elizabeth so unexpectedly at the end of Mockingjay. It has the desired effect of making me toss my head back with a laugh. 

He continues to hold an excited bouncing baby and slips his arm around my waist as we walk towards the exit. I am sure our performance was a success but I still feel bereft as we slide into the waiting car and he puts some distance between us. I love acting, but I hate doing it in my real life. We chat about his filming and I update him on all the things the kids have been up to. He plays with Tanner and praises him for sitting up on his own. I am glad he is back because Evie will be over the moon but I can’t help the hard pit of sadness that settles in my gut as we pull up the drive. 

Evie is waiting at the door to maul him and I let him have his time with the kids while I run a quick search of the first pictures which are already starting to hit the net. The image of him holding me with my head thrown back giggling from his private joke while he wears his trademark boyish smile is a beautiful one. I sit and stare at it for a long time before I lay down in bed and try to sleep. When I wake again it is to Josh telling me it is time to feed Tanner. His expression is concerned. I know what he is thinking. I only sleep during the day when I am depressed. “You should probably stay here tonight” I tell him. “After that demonstration at the airport I don’t want the paps catching you going where ever it is you go.” He looks as miserable as I feel. “Jennifer” he says touching my arm. “What?” I say in annoyance trying to blink back tears. “Nothing” he says stepping back. 

We have dinner with the kids and by the time I get up in the morning he is gone. I do my best over the next week but I am struggling. Nothing in my life makes sense anymore. I lost two of my best friends, my career, my brother, and even things that are still around are nothing like they used to be. I haven’t changed much of the décor in my house since my return and there is still a large portrait of me in the main hall. I hate it. Maybe because I don’t look like that anymore, maybe because I would never hang a huge fucking picture of myself in my house now, maybe because everyone loves her more than me, maybe because I can’t resurrect her and don’t really want to. Every day when I pass it I say something nasty to her. 

One night when the kids have gone to bed and my mother is out for the evening with a friend I have too many glasses of wine and sit and have a talk with her for a while. That perfect blonde bombshell who knew exactly how to charm and manipulate people. Her family adored her, her fans worshiped her, Amy and Emma texted her every day, I think Josh was in love with her. When I am finished crying I start to get really pissed. I take the glass I am holding and throw it as hard as I can at the stupid thing. “Fuck you” I yell. “I hate you. Why couldn’t you have just died? Just fucking died like you were supposed to.” For one insane moment I think of sending the kids to Michelle’s and just burning the whole fucking place down. I must be really gone because I don’t hear them come in. But before I know it my mother and mother in law are holding me and trying to calm me down. “Honey” my mother says. “Take some deep breaths. You’re ok. You’re safe. I’m here.” 

Based off the expressions on their faces I must look like a total train wreck. I look from one to the other. They must have been out together. I guess I missed it when these two became so chummy. They tuck me in bed and then sit in my own kitchen and talk about me like I’m a child. Maybe they don’t realize that I can hear them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has three parts and I would love to hear thoughts about any and all. 
> 
> First, the conversation with Dr. Degregorio is interesting. She has been in this relationship for a long time and still in some denial about the dynamics in it. Probably true of most of us. We are too close to the situation to see it clearly. Hopefully he can give her some additional insight, she does seem to be open to considering his guidance. I also like the father daughter type relationship developing between Jen and the Doctor. He will be one of a few wise voices in her life. Let me know what you think.
> 
> Second, the showmance. I know what you are thinking. Instead of pretending to be happy, why not actually work on your problems? They seem to both still be too messed up to do that in any meaningful way at this point and they are also both working off of poor assumptions about where they stand with each other. It is tempting to believe that they worked through a lot of their issues on the island because they found so much personal happiness there. However, I think the revelation from the last chapter that Josh knew about the things she said in the past and never brought it up and talked through it suggests that the conditions on the island did a lot to bring them together out of necessity and to push all other issues aside in the light of the immediate need to bond together and survive. It doesn't mean their bond wasn't real and incredibly strong, just that it was bound to face additional challenges upon their return. 
> 
> Lastly, this last scene with Jen is a total heart breaker and it really goes to the core of this struggle she is having with the past and accepting herself and making this transition in her life. It is a bigger issue than just fixing her marriage. As sad as it is, it is one of my favorite scenes because it does strike such a contrast and it is so emotional. I have had it in my head since I wrote like the fourth chapter and it was very rewarding for me personally to get this far in the journey and to be able to express emotions that are so raw. 
> 
> How will Jen deal with her depression? That is what we are going to find out in the next chapter


	36. Being Useful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh asks Jennifer for some help on a project and they both face the anniversary of Zachary's death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No new characters this time but we do get to see how Jennifer starts to deal with her depression. 
> 
> Zachary's death and how they will deal with it in the long term was much talked about in the feedback I received and we also revisit that issue in this chapter as they face the anniversary of his death.
> 
> Thanks everyone for reading and keeping up with these two crazy characters.

I see Dr. Degregorio the next day and he encourages me to be more proactive in setting the agenda for my life. I have been spending too much time waiting to see what others think of me, what they will do, how they will respond to my return. 

I have a shit ton of money so I decide to make some charitable contributions. I shortlist some of my favorite causes and send an email to Tim to issue the checks. I don’t consult with my husband. He has made it perfectly clear that my money is mine to do whatever I wish with. I want to help other people. I want to feel useful again. 

A few days later when Josh comes to visit I am sitting at the table in a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. I haven’t been out of the house in a while. “So Jen” he starts. “I am working on a project for a buddy of mine and I was hoping you could help me.” Yeah right. “Help you how?” I say, not looking up from my magazine. “Well his production company is running this contest where people send in amateur movie trailers and we will pick the best entry and make a short film based on it.” I continue reading my article. “Who is we?” I ask without interest. “Well” he says lifting my chin to look at him. “His company is going to produce it but I agreed to look at the entries and help pick the winners and then act in the film. It should be fun.” I drop my eyes back to the magazine. “No thanks” I say dismissively.

“Why not?” he asks sitting across from me. “I’m not asking you to get back in the saddle again. Just watch some of these for me.” I continue to ignore him. “No” I say firmly. He grabs the magazine and tosses it across the room. “What the hell is the matter with you?” he demands. I give him a look that clearly shows my annoyance and put a hand on my hip. “You don’t need my help” I tell him. “You are trying to Dr. Phil me like everyone else. You probably talked to our mothers about my little episode the other night and you feel sorry for me. No thanks, I don’t need you.” 

“Actually, miss high and mighty I do need your help. I don’t have that much time to get this done before I have to go back for the second round of shooting and I want to be able to spend some time with the kids while I am here.” I cock my head to the side. “Oh, so all of a sudden they are this big priority for you?” I challenge. “Listen Jen” he commands. “I don’t know what happened with the mom’s the other night. Neither one of them talk to me much anymore but I know you are spending too much time feeling sorry for yourself. I know you want to keep things stable for the kids and you are an incredible mom, but that doesn’t give you license to drop out of your own life. You aren’t the only one going through some next level shit here. You may have lost Liam, Woody, Zachary and the last ten years but so have I God dammit. I fucking get it. My Dad is gone. I don’t know Connor anymore. My wife and children are living in another house. I am so damn afraid that I am going to lose you completely.”

“I’m not having a pity party for you or throwing you a bone. I need your fucking help with this. I thought you still gave a shit about me. So are you going to help me or not?” His words sting and I consider storming up to my room and slamming the door. But I don’t want to live through another day of boredom and self-doubt. I stand up and scoot my chair over so that I am sitting next to him. “What do you need me to do?” I ask. 

We decide to split the trailers and each watch 100 of them, make a shortlist of the ones with the most potential and then grab some junk food and analyze that group together. Some leave a lot to be desired but some of them are remarkably good for extremely low budgets and early attempts. I can feel my blood start to flow faster and parts of my brain come to life and start working again as I take notes and discuss the top candidates with my best friend. By the end of three days we have our recommendations and I find myself smiling. “If your friend decides he needs more help with this thing let me know” I tell Josh. 

The next week I get a call from his buddy. He wants to know if I would be willing to come down to his studio and vet some young actors for parts in the film. I have never done casting before but it feels great to see fresh talent and enthusiasm. They are so excited about a chance to act, many of them for the first time for pay. I audition about 150 people and then volunteer to come back to help coach the ones that we cast. When I get home after the last day I feel better than I have in a long time. I greet Evie who bounds down the stairs in a Transformers costume and shoots me with a fake laser gun (damn Josh for introducing her to that stupid show). We talk excitedly about her day saving the world from an alien invasion and my first time working again since forever. That night I sit at my desk, too much energy to even think about sleeping when a thought hits me like a bolt from the blue. I pull out my laptop and start typing. 

I work on it whenever I get a chance and before I know it I have most of the rough draft for my first screenplay. I had a huge head start since it is one of the stories Josh and I crafted together on the island but actually writing the whole thing took a lot of time an energy. I stay up and work on it late at night when the kids have gone to bed. I’m exhausted but find that when I do get to lay down I actually sleep better. I even find myself starting to review some of the proposals Liz has sent over. It isn’t that I don’t want to act anymore. Somewhere deep inside I am dying to. But I’m not ready. I’m confused enough about who I am as it is; it’s not the right time to be pretending to be someone else. I’m also not prepared to leave my children for any longer than necessary. 

I have a lot of positive momentum going until I look at the calendar. The anniversary of Zachary’s death is in three days. Josh has returned to filming, this time to a studio in Atlanta. He isn’t scheduled to fly back for another week and a half. I bring it up in my session with Dr. Degregorio which is better than nothing but it isn’t the same as sharing it with someone you love. It’s my own fault that I can’t lean on my mother, but I still haven’t told her. 

I spend two restless nights waking every few hours to check on Evie and Tanner. When the day finally arrives the weather is perfect and the sun is shining. I want to put my hand through my bedroom window. Another gorgeous day in a whole year that I got to live that my son didn’t. I keep it low key and just stay home and play with the kids. I watch Evie methodically construct a Minecraft Lego set. Michelle bought it for her and I told her that she was too young. It says ages 8-12 on the box but she just smiled and told me to let her give it a try. She has had absolutely no trouble putting it together. When she is finished she disassembles it and builds a rocket ship too. Her patience and attention to detail amazes me. 

I try my best not to cry when I nurse Tanner. He usually falls asleep in the process but this afternoon he snuggles in my arms and stares at me with those beautiful hazel eyes. It should be a sin to have a child this easy going and good natured. He coos and drools until I put him down for his nap. I sit down on the couch with Evie and pick up my phone. I still haven’t heard from him. I’ve tried to reach him three different times today but it keeps going straight to voicemail. Its early evening in the Eastern Time Zone, maybe he will call me when he gets off of work?

I don’t feel much like cooking so I just order a pizza for supper and then do some editing and touch up work until midnight. I look in on my babies one last time before turning in. I check my phone again just to be sure. I can’t believe that he forgot. I know everyone grieves differently but it hurts. I can’t keep the pain at bay anymore. I lay on my side and hold a pillow against my chest where my son should be and sob like a little girl. Zachary should be asleep down the hall like his brother and sister or curled up next to his momma. He should be running around like a wild man, playing basketball with Josh and Evie, proclaiming victory over potty training. He’s not though. Instead, he is buried beneath a pile of dirt and sand on a tropical island thousands of miles away from the only person who still loves him. 

The sound of my door opening startles me and I whip around with a scream. Through my tears I see him standing there. At first I think I am dreaming until he closes the distance and I am lifted into his arms. He sits me on his lap and rocks me gently. “Jennifer” he says stroking my hair. “My God babe, I am soooo sorry. I wasn’t sure if I could catch a break but I told the Director I really needed a couple of days for family reasons and I was going to be here this morning to surprise you but then my flight got canceled and I lost my wallet and I didn’t have any money or identification. Luckily someone turned it in but it took all day and then my cab got into a fender bender coming from the airport.” 

I jerk my head back and start looking him over. “I’m fine, I’m fine” he assures me, kissing my forehead. “I called you like five times” I stammer. “Fuck, I’m an idiot” he says. “It died and I left my charger in my trailer. I was in such a hurry to get home. Please forgive me honey.” He sounds and smells so good. I could almost forget that the last several months ever happened. “I thought you didn’t remember” I whimper into his neck. He takes my face in his hands and pulls us just far apart so that I can see him. “I think about Zachary every day” he says firmly. “I think about him, Evie, Tanner, you. Shit, it’s like I can’t keep you off of my mind. Never believe that you are alone in missing our son and caring about our family.”

He lays me back and sheds some of his clothing before slipping in beside me. We hold each other all night. We talk, cry, and doze in each other’s arms. I thought that his body would start to soften now that he isn’t doing manual labor every day but he must have replaced it with trips to the gym. His chest is still just as hard, his abs sculpted, his v-line perfect. The night is sad and our bodies are pressed together for solace and comfort. But it doesn’t stop me from waking up with wet panties the next morning. He is still spooning me from behind and I notice that our proximity is having a similar effect on him. 

I look over at my alarm. Shit! It is 11am. I throw on a robe and run downstairs. My mother is getting lunch around and has Tanner in the Ergo. She gives me a smile. “I checked in on you earlier, but you looked busy” she says with a wink. Oh Lord. Tanner must be doing better with the bottle because I didn’t even hear him this morning. Evie has a little hammer and brush and is diligently working on a dinosaur fossil set that Connor and his girlfriend sent for her. I come over and give her a big kiss and gesture up to the bedrooms. “Your Daddy is here for a visit. Why don’t you go wake him up?” She lets out a whoop and goes racing up the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like the way this chapter gets Jennifer back into the business that she loves but in a way that may also work for her new life and be constructive for her. Both she and Josh are giving each other some attitude in the beginning and you can feel the toll life is starting to take but ultimately this was a great thing for them to work on together. Also, who really thinks Josh couldn't have done it on his own and was not looking out for Jen at all? Not me. 
> 
> Did you really think he was going to ignore her on the anniversary of their sons death? And what do you make of his visit and the comfort they find in each other. Also, they still haven't told anyone else. 
> 
> There are some other interesting tidbits thrown in this chapter too. Josh gives us some hints about how things are going with his family. Michelle seems to know better than Jen what level of skill Evie is capable of when challenged. Josh is working out a lot. Oh the building blocks of things to come down the road. I like to drop little hints ahead of time and weave things in because I hate when big things emerge out of the total middle of nowhere.
> 
> I love all of your thoughts and feedback. Many of you told me to stop being such a downer and to give you some light at the end of the tunnel. I think this chapter is moving more in the right direction.


	37. Feedback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evie confronts Josh over the separation and Jen faces some tough questions from Dr. Degregorio. They both have a lot to think about as long time friend Elizabeth Banks visits and offers Jen her perspective on things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you are getting kind of antsy so I am trying to keep posting pretty steadily. This chapter contains feedback from several different sources close to Jen and Josh but probably raises more questions than answers. 
> 
> I did want to note that we are going to hear lots of bits and pieces of sessions with Dr. Degregorio. This is to offer us insight into the characters and what is going on with them and also so that some external forces can speak into their lives. It is not meant to be suggestions for actual therapy nor to sound like or represent what actual therapy sessions are like. 
> 
> I love reading your thoughts and comments even if they are reflecting on your desire to knock some sense into these two stubborn mules. 
> 
> New characters:
> 
> Elizabeth Banks: Long time friend of Jen and Josh who played Effie Trinket in the Hunger Games Movies.

I ask him to sleep in the guest room the next night. It is too confusing and hurtful to have him coming in and out of my bed unless he decides to stay there for good. In the morning he has packed the small duffel bag he came with but seems reluctant to go. I remind him that his flight takes off in less than an hour and a half but he waves it off and lingers to talk about the house, the kids, our folks. He should have left while the getting was good because once Evie comes down and realizes he is leaving again she starts to cry. 

“Why don’t you want to live with us anymore Daddy?” she asks, her lower lip quivering. Josh looks like he just watched his childhood dog get run over by a truck. “I do” he says, kneeling down to be eye level with her. “I love you very much and I want to be with you all the time.” She shakes her head and takes a few steps towards me, reaching out her little hand to take mine. “I want to go back to our old house” she tells us. I try to muster an obligatory counter argument but come up short. I want to go back there too. 

Josh takes a more reasonable approach. “I know you miss our old house honey” he tells her. “It’s ok to feel those sad feelings but we need to be here with Nanna and Gram and so that the doctor can help us when we are sick. That is especially true now that we have a new baby.” She seems to consider this and then nods. “Yes” she says quietly. “We don’t want him to die like our last one.” Josh shoots me a quick look but I shake my head. I haven’t spoken with her about it and I didn’t realize that she remembered either. Now that we are aware that she knows we will need to talk things through with her later. 

“When are you coming home Daddy?” she asks. “In another 10 days I will be done with the work I am doing” he assures her. “And then you will come and live with us?” she asks hopefully. He shakes his head slowly and her shoulders sag. “Then I will come and visit you every day” he tells her. “You need to come home” she insists, her voice becoming stern and her little fists resting against her hips. “Tanner won’t know you are his Daddy if you don’t live with us. I won’t have anyone to watch Transformers with in the morning. Mommy doesn’t like that show so she doesn’t count. She is sad without you. She cries a lot. She wants you to be her friend again. Can’t you hear her heart beating anymore?” 

By the time she finishes her chest is heaving and her eyes are filled with desperation. Josh steps forward and picks her up right before she bursts into tears. I see that he is trying his best not to cry too. “Evie” he soothes as he smooths back her hair. “Shhhh, everything is going to be alright. Daddy and Mommy still love each other and we always will.” She sniffs and shakes her head vigorously. “But you don’t sleep in the same bed anymore and you never kiss or wrestle” she observes. Despite the seriousness and emotional levity of the conversation we both smile at her comment. His eye catches mine and I see his sorrow and regret that our little girl feels this way. 

He sets her down and takes her shoulders in his hands. “Can I tell you something, my little lion and then make you a promise?” he asks. She thinks about it before granting her permission. “First of all” he continues. “Daddy staying somewhere else for a while isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything bad and your Mommy and I love you and baby Tanner more than anything in the world.” She seems to accept this reluctantly. “I promise that Daddy is going to work really hard to make things feel right in here again” he says pointing to her heart. “And in here” he continues pointing to his own. “And in here” he finishes reaching out to indicate mine. 

Evie still sulks for two days after he leaves and throws a fit nearly every time I ask her to do the least thing. I bring it up to Dr. Degregorio at our next session and he doesn’t seem surprised. “I just wish he wouldn’t have made that promise to her” I tell him. “I’m not sure what it means to him but she is going to be expecting something.” He adjusts his glasses and stares out the window for a moment before asking. “How do you really think he is doing with all of this?” I am embarrassed to admit that as much as I have thought of him, our family, the future of our marriage, I have given little consideration to the progress of his therapy. “Fine I guess” I tell him. “Josh is the most resilient person I know. He is already back working again, he is probably going out with his friends, and he is living on his own. If anyone has what it takes to survive and thrive no matter what it is him.”

“Where is he living now?” the doctor asks me. I furrow my brow. “He might still be staying with his mom” I say weakly. “Or he might have gone back to his old house or gotten another place.” Holy shit, I don’t even know where my own husband lives. “How has he been doing reuniting with his family?” he asks. I think about it. I see a lot of Michelle but she rarely speaks of him and the last time he brought her up he said neither of our mother’s tell him much anymore. I haven’t seen or heard from Connor since we returned to LA other than some presents he sent for the kids and I don’t actually know if he has either. “I don’t know” I admit. 

“How has it gone integrating him into your family?” he inquires. I give a snort. “My Mom doesn’t think he is all bad anymore, I kind of feel like she is rooting for us to work things out now, but my Dad and my brother hate him.” He nods. “Has he really been processing the death of his father?” he asks. I start to feel tears sting my eyes and I put my face in my hands. “I don’t know” I whisper. It is unclear if he hears me or not but he sits back in his chair and waits for me to look at him again. 

“Do you think it is reasonable to assume that the man you married is such a superman that he is doing fine despite the fact that he is living away his children, one of which is a newborn? Is separated from his long time best friend, lover, and wife? Has been given a halfhearted reception by his family of origin? Has recently learned that his father died and has been nearly completely rejected and demonized by his new in-laws? Does that sound like a man who is doing fine?” My tears are really flowing now. He has never come down on me like this before. His tone is calm and compassionate but I feel like his questions are accusatory. “Look inside yourself” he tells me. “Find the strength to confront and deal with this. I know that it is in there. He is the one who chose to move out and that is on him but if you want to stay married to him you will need to make an effort to understand what is going on in his life.” 

Elizabeth is in town that week and I have plans to meet her at a restaurant but call her last minute and ask her if she is ok with just coming over. Evie has been acting up for my mother and I don’t want to ask her to put her to bed on her own. As soon as she walks through the door she starts crying. They are clearly tears of joy as she can’t stop smiling as she looks me over and then pulls me into one of her Momma hugs. She brings me up to speed on her life rather quickly while we wait for the Chinese takeout I just ordered to be delivered. Liz is a phenomenal listener but has never been one to talk on and on about herself. So she is kind of the polar opposite of me.

We sneak upstairs so she can look in on the kids and that sets her to crying again. “I just can’t believe it” she says opening up a carton of orange chicken. “I thought you were all gone and it was this huge hole in my heart and then after so many years when I heard that you and Josh survived. Well, I have been crying off and on ever since. You two were so powerful together and the bond that you had was amazing. I remember talking to Woody about it so many times.” I can see the emotion pumping through her as she brings up memories of our friend in her mind. 

“It was such a pleasure watching you grow and seeing you both work so hard to carry that franchise was incredible…but seeing you learn to carry each other was priceless. I know you two are having some problems now” she admits. “But when I see those two babies up there and think about everything you have been through. It’s just such a miracle and I know it is right.” 

I run my hand through the side of my hair. “Things are just so mixed up between us” I tell her. “I think we both keep returning to that last tour before we left. He was dating Claudia, I was heading off to do a bunch of filming. I mean, did we love each other? Would we have gotten together on our own if we weren’t forced to?” I try to shake the doubt from my head. “Liz?” I ask her because I need to know. “Was I heading in that direction? Did I want something more with him? Was I going to ask him for it?” I need her to say yes. That it was always destined to happen and that we were made for each other. “I need to be able to tell him that this would have happened anyway” I say. 

My heart breaks a little when she slowly shakes her head. “You were headed to a phenomenally successful career” she tells me. “But you were also likely headed for some of the worst personal decisions of your life.” I know it’s true but I don’t want to accept it. “Why couldn’t I see what was right in front of me?” I ask mournfully. “Because” she says cautiously. “Because you were never very good at knowing yourself. You thought that romance was something that you were going to find with some dashing and accomplished man from a far off place. You thought of what everyone would think but you, could only process what would be best for your image, your connections, your career. You didn’t stop to consider who made you happy, who understood you and where you came from, who you could really build a future with.”

When we finish dinner we relax on the couch. I feed Tanner again and confess to her some of the other things I have been struggling with. Admit how jealous I can be of the girl that I used to be and how lost I am sometimes. That I have no idea how to find my way out of this maze of missing my old life on the island and trying to start my new one while everyone else wonders why I am not just living my first one. 

“I want to give you some things to think about” she says at the end of the evening, putting a comforting arm around me. “First of all, I don’t think everyone likes twenty something Jennifer better than who you are now. I know that I don’t” she says with a smile. “I loved her to death, but she still had a lot of growing to do. I can’t believe how much you have matured and what a strong and wonderful woman you have become. Do you think that little girl upstairs and that baby in your arms would be better off with the younger version of you as their mother?” She has me there. They most certainly would not and they are the most important people in the world to me.

“I also think you and Josh are looking at things the wrong way” she continues. “You have an amazing love story that started forming when I first met you. There are a lot of different kinds of love and your journey together is one of the most compelling and beautiful that I have ever scene. You are both lucky to have ever shared a bond like that with anyone.” I give her a questioning look. “So it is a once in a lifetime?” I ask hesitantly. She tightens her arm around me. “It’s a once in a hundred lifetimes Jennifer. Most people never find it.” 

She shifts so that she can see me when she asks the next question. “Did you ever question that the love you felt for each other as friends was real?” I answer a definitive no almost immediately. “Why not?” she asks. “After all, you only had the chance to become friends because you were cast in a huge franchise together. You had to spend tons of time hanging out. It was pretty inevitable that you become close. If either of you wouldn’t have been cast you might never have been friends at all and yet you don’t question whether or not that connection is real.” 

She gives me a few minutes to process that. “One thing I know about both of you is that you are courageous and that you fight for what you want. I also know that you both love each other and that you always will. There are just some things that you cannot escape about yourself. You might never have been married or had children together if that plane hadn’t crashed but it did. It crashed and derailed your whole existence but it also gave you the chance at a totally different one. This is your life now and the fact that it was drastically altered by a tragedy doesn’t make it less real. It gave you a chance to learn new skills, form different relationships, and quite frankly I think that you came back with more perspective, wisdom and a greater capacity to love than you would have had if that flight would have landed safely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are really three parts to this chapter. I grouped them together in one update because I try to give you around 1500 - 3500 words at a time. I welcome your thoughts and feedback on each part or all of them or any part of the story. 
> 
> The first part is Evie confronting Josh which was painful. Out of the mouths of babes right? I wanted her to speak her part because he needs to hear about the pain he is causing and because the children always suffer the most. She certainly gave him some things to think about and it was clear that being separated from his wife and kids is painful for him as well. I know, the burning question still remains. If Josh loves the family and wants to come home why doesn't he? This chapter doesn't do much to help answer that. 
> 
> The second part is Jen's session with Dr. Degregorio. Was anyone else surprised how little she actually knows about what is going on with him? I think a few things are at play here. She has been really absorbed in her kids, she has let her depression get the better of her at times, and she has a big tendency to always assume that he is strong enough to handle every situation without issue. 
> 
> The last part is the visit and the conversation with Elizabeth Banks. She has her own perspective to offer and it is a compelling one. Interested in what readers thought of that as well. 
> 
> Thank you all for the support you give me in writing this fic.


	38. Home for the Holidays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer visits Kentucky over Christmas and starts to wonder if she should really be back in LA. When she returns she has a couple of surprises waiting for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are wondering why I usually update around this time it is because one of my kids is afraid of the dark and I sit in his room with him every night until he falls asleep. I guess it gives me time to work on my fanfiction. 
> 
> This chapter it lighter than some of the recent ones and features a return of Jen's brothers. There are also some good nuggets in here that give us a sense of how Jen is growing and coming to understand and handle things better. Josh also gives a few revealing thoughts towards the end.

When Christmas comes around I decide to spend it with my family in Kentucky. I invite Josh to come as well but he remains non-committal. I know that I shouldn’t take his children away from him at such an important time but I can’t bear to spend it alone if he decides just to stop by for a couple of hours. I miss my big family holiday and we haven’t been together in a decade. I thought that it would be a long time before I would fly again but faced with possible death or enduring another cross country road trip with Evie I decide to roll the dice. My mother goes with me to help with the kids and so that I can take something extra for my spike in anxiety. I actually do pretty well, finding that without my enabler here I can step up and put on a brave face for the kids. I am also just better adjusted than the last time I had to do this and much more properly medicated. 

We go out a few days early so that I can visit with some extended family that I have yet to reunite with and so that everyone can meet the kids. Tanner is thrilled to have people fuss and gush over him but Evie often retreats into a quiet room I have set up for her. She likes to play with the other kids, but finds the noise and chaos of large gatherings very overwhelming. She does enjoy the dishes of candy my mother has throughout the house and sharing a room with Tanner and I at night time. 

My relatives are disappointed that Evie doesn’t believe in Santa Claus but such a tale would have been utterly ridiculous in the world she grew up in. In our family, it is a tradition to go around the room on Christmas Eve and tell everyone what we hope to get for Christmas or what one of our goals is for the coming year if we are an adult. I can tell my parents are hurt when Evie says that she wants to move with her Mommy and Daddy back to her old house. I don’t sweat it though, it isn’t my job to make them happy. It’s my responsibility to care for my daughter and she needs the freedom and opportunity to express herself regardless of how uncomfortable it makes others. 

When the day finally dawns she is plenty excited about the pile of presents around the tree. We play games and I visit with my brothers and cousins but I cannot help the sense of sadness that keeps drifting over me. I sit at the large bay window and stare out at the falling snow. He isn’t coming. My brother Ben comes and sits beside me. “Sorry kid” he says gently. I give him a smile and a questioning look. “I know that you miss him, he’ll come around eventually. He loves you too much not to.” I wave my hand dismissively. “You barely know him” I point out. “I know enough” he says and pats my shoulder before getting up to get another beer and Blaine comes to take his place with less conciliatory words. 

“Really Jen?” he asks bitterly. “He has had you every Christmas for the last 10 years and now that you are finally home you are going to spend the whole time moping around because he decided not to show up?” I don’t argue with him. It’s not a fight I can win. Instead, I join my mother in the kitchen and help put the finishing touches on bountiful feast she has been slaving over for the past 48 hours. When I have done everything I can possibly think of to feel useful I send him a couple of texts. 

Jen: Merry Christmas

Josh: Merry Christmas. How are the kids?

Jen: Good, Tanner loves being the center of attention and Evie is doing pretty well. She misses you though. 

Josh: I miss you guys too

Jen: What are you doing today?

Josh: I think I am just going to meet up with my mother for dinner tonight

I think back to what Dr. Degregorio said. I made the wrong decision. I shouldn’t have come here. It’s Christmas day, Tanner’s first Christmas and Josh is all alone. I justified it in my head because I told him he could come along but why would he want to spend the holiday with a bunch of people who act like he is a rapist? I need to do something to make it right. 

Jen: Let’s have a party for New Years

Josh: Ok, sounds good

Jen: Evie would love a pool party. Do you know someone who has an indoor pool and gathering area that we can use? We’ll just invite some friends and family, say 20 people. 

Josh: Yeah, I do. Let me make a few calls and I will let you know. 

I feel better now that I have some solid plans with him and I enjoy the rest of the gathering and fly home the next day. My parents, brothers, and nephews will be coming to the party so it won’t be long until I see them again. Just as I had anticipated, Josh had no problem finding a location for us and Evie is super excited about showing off her swimming skills. Jena and her husband are also going to be there along with Michelle and a couple of Josh’s cousins. He doesn’t mention Connor but I feel like things are strained there. 

I walk in the door holding a sleeping baby and very carefully make my way to his room so as not to wake him. As I turn to go back downstairs I catch a strange but familiar scent. I take a few steps towards my room and it grows decidedly stronger. When I open the door I take a step back and bring my hand to my heart. My room is filled with fresh tropical flowers. They are gorgeous and I have no idea where he could have possibly found them. I have never seem them anywhere but on our island. There is a note on my pillow. “Merry Christmas Jennifer. Thanks so much for all you do for me and for the kids. I love you so much and I hope this year is better for you than the last one.” 

I want to take a few moments and just inhale the wonderful smell and cry but just then I hear the sound of Evie screaming. I drop the note and go running down the stairs to see my little girl sitting on the floor with a brown dog licking her hand. It takes me a moment to realize that she is squealing in delight and not pain. Josh is standing in the doorway with a big grin. “A doggy” she says with glee. “Daddy got us doggy for Christmas.” I smile and reach down to pet the tail wagging pooch. She immediately starts to nuzzle my hand. 

“If you don’t want to keep her here I can have her stay at my Mom’s” he offers. “Oh, I will want to keep her here” I answer confidently. Evie decides to name her Bumblebee after her favorite transformer and they are instant companions. She is also fond of sitting at my feet when I am working on scripts in the evenings. I get all of Pippi’s things out of storage for her. The dog does wonders for Evie in a short time but I know she isn’t the only reason Josh gave her to us. She can stay at my Mom’s my ass. He knew I would love everything about this dog and in a couple days I am very attached to her. 

“The flowers are gorgeous” I tell him while we are finalizing party details later that week. “Thank you. But you shouldn’t have told me that we were not buying for each other. I’m not stupid, I know that dog was as much a gift for me as it was for Evie and Tanner.” He shrugs. “I didn’t want you spending a bunch of money on me. I take an awful lot from you already and I feel horrible about it.” I grab his arm to still him for a moment. “What are you talking about? I ask him. “You refuse to take anything from me.”

He motions at the house. “You provide everything for the kids” he observes. “And I’m not a fool Jennifer. I know the only reason I got such a good movie deal right out of the gate was because I am Jennifer Lawrence’s husband. Your name has opened up all kinds of doors for me.” I shake my head. “You are a good actor and in case you haven’t noticed you are totally hot too. They wanted you because you will bring a lot of value to the project. It had nothing to do with me.” He shakes his head with a smile and gives me a gentle kiss. “That’s why I love you” he tells me. “After everything you’ve been through you are still so innocent.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Having a family and a spouse that are estranged always makes the holidays difficult. This chapter was kinder to Evie than some of the other recent ones and it gives us a chance to see how she does in a larger group of people. Her first Christmas in the states is a mixed bag. 
> 
> I would love thoughts and feedback on:
> 
> The conversation with Jen's brothers. They are really different. Blaine is still a jealous jerk but Ben has had some time to process things and is now a lot more reasonable. If you read carefully he has never been completely hostile to Josh the way his brother is and I get the sense that he really wants what is best for his sister and her children. 
> 
> Also, Josh's Christmas gifts. They aren't just nice things picked at random. They both have significant meaning. 
> 
> And their conversation at the end. Josh told Jen they were not buying gifts for each other and then he did. His reasons are important and give us some more insight into how he is thinking about their lives more broadly. 
> 
> I love you all and hope you have a great holiday weekend.


	39. Pool Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer and Josh ring in the new year at a pool party with family and friends, but they really only notice each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a million to my faithful readers who leave me feedback. You guys are the best! I promised you all a pool party so here it is. You know these two need to be semi-dressed and in the same vicinity again. 
> 
> No new characters but this chapter does feature the return of Jena Malone.

The next morning I go out with Laura to pick out a bathing suit. My scaring is still very pronounced so I need something that will cover me high enough but something sexy enough to tempt him. Hah, let him see if he still thinks I am so innocent after I find the right two piece. We go to one of the boutiques I used to frequent often and they help me select the perfect thing. It conceals everything I want it to but still ties on either side. I want his hands to be itching to pull on the little black strings. 

We have it catered at the mansion of a friend of his who is vacationing in Europe. The setting has a conservatory like quality with plenty of plants and greenery surrounding a zero entry pool. Evie’s eyes light up the minute she sees it and she is off like a flash. Josh laughs at her enthusiasm and strips down to his swim trunks to join her. Even as the guests begin to arrive I can’t take my eyes off of him. I had almost forgotten how horny it makes me to watch him swim. His expert strokes cut the water with maximum efficiency, his body a gracefully controlled instrument. I know exactly what it is capable of. His muscles bunch and flex as he throws our daughter in the air again and again. Pretty soon Laura’s kids have lined up for a turn as well. 

When I do break my gaze away from the water dripping down his chest I notice that she and Jena are staring at the show too. I wrinkle my nose at them. “Relax, crazy woman” Jena teases. “I was just taking a peek at the merchandise. I wasn’t eye fucking him like you are.” I lower my face because I know it is starting to color with a blush. “Jesus” she curses. “You two are just too fucking adorable.” I cover my burning cheeks with my hands. “Still blushing after 15 years with the man, I guess this is worth saving then” Jena observes. “Well” she says gesturing to the pool. “Are you going to respond to his little mating dance or not? He keeps glancing over here. I am pretty sure it isn’t to admire my mom bod. You wore that to tempt him so go work it girl.”

I stand up and let the towel sitting on my lap drop to the lawn chair. I am just wearing the suit now and I can feel his eyes follow me as I walk slowly towards his end of the pool. His gaze takes in my long legs, my stomach, now flat again thanks to my surgery, my breasts, still slightly larger from childbirth and nursing. He hasn’t seen my new figure yet and I drop my sunglasses just so that I can bend over and pick them up. I still have a nice ass and when I turn to face him I can see him swallow. I plop down on the side and remove the tie from my hair and let it fall down around me. His expression could burn up ice. He wants me. 

He comes over to talk and I give him my most flirtatious smiles. I giggle at his jokes and lean forward to give him generous glances of my cleavage. His confident bravado is on full display as he makes bedroom eyes at me and a kernel of truth starts to blossom within my mind. This is what he wants, what he craves from me. To be the center of my attention despite all else present. He wants to be comfortable in the knowledge that I am his girl and that I don’t care who knows it. The recognition of this need makes me feel desirable and powerful. When he isn’t looking I say his name to get his attention and when he turns I splash him in the face and laugh. He wipes the drops from his eyes with the back of his hand and responds by gripping my hips and dragging me in with him. 

I make a halfhearted attempt to get away. Just enough of a struggle for him to hold me tighter. My ass presses against the crotch of his shorts and I can feel how hard he is for me. I feel like I am under a spell as he turns me and I wrap my legs around his waist. God, how many hours have we spent drifting in the ocean currents loving each other like this? Our problems seem a hell of a lot smaller when his powerful hands are rubbing my back and my mouth and nose are resting in the crook of his neck. I am well aware that my family doesn’t approve but I don’t give a shit. I’m married to the man and everyone in the world knows we have fucked. What does it matter if we indulge in a little PDA? If they don’t like it they are free to leave. 

My clit throbs as it brushes against him in the warm water. I need him inside of me more than anything. He isn’t just some hot stranger I am lusting after, he is my husband. I have every right to do whatever I want with him. Eventually, Michelle comes to announce that the food is here and everyone starts to head out. He keeps lingering just behind me and I’m unsure what mischief he is up to. When I turn around he takes a big mouthful of water and spits it at me whale style. He thinks this is pretty funny until I start laughing and tell him. “Don’t Josh, I just peed in there.” He looks startled and starts coughing. I guess I got the last laugh on that one. 

We sit together during the meal and his hand rests periodically on my bare thigh. Goose bumps form as he strokes my sensitive skin. I have to keep shifting in my seat I am so fucking aroused. I glance at his lap and see that he isn’t in much better shape. We swim with the kids and visit with our friends and family the rest of the afternoon but our eyes are never long away from each other. I meet his gaze as I nurse Tanner with a blanket thrown over my shoulder and the electricity flowing between us is exhilarating. This is going to happen. After so long apart we are going to have each other. We have to. There is something about being together like this in the water that pulls our bodies inexorably closer, like we are magnets with opposite polarity. 

By 4pm things are wrapping up and people are starting to head out to grab dinner and move on to their evening festivities. We need to stay and clean things up and make sure everything is in order for the home owners. I am just heading back down the hall with some paper towels when I am grabbed around the waist, pulled into a bedroom and thrust against the wall. His hands are everywhere and he demands entry into my mouth. I let out a cry of surprise and he takes advantage and soon our tongues are fighting for dominance. My hands are in his hair and he pulls my top off easily. 

We don’t talk. All I hear are my sighs and moans of pleasure as he drags me to the couch and sucks the sensitive spots on my neck and collar bone. I attack his mouth so aggressively that our teeth scrape together but that only fuels his passion. He yanks on the strings to my bathing suit bottoms and chucks the scrap of material to the side. To his credit he does use his fingers to check if I am ready and when he feels how wet I am for him he spreads me open and thrusts inside. 

We haven’t had sex in so long that our bodies are desperate for release. He fills the emptiness within me again and again and I realize that I am chanting his name. I try to hold him inside for a moment, just keep that sensation of connection and completeness but he keeps withdrawing. Typical horny Josh, he won’t give me what I want until I cum for him. I normally need some clitoral stimulation to orgasm but I am so worked up that when he changes his angle and hits just the right spot within I gasp and my body clenches him as it is filled with pleasure and his semen. 

He lays on top of me, still fully embedded and still pretty damn hard. I take some deep breaths and hold him close, finally enjoying a new moments of the full sensation I have been lacking since we left the island. Just then we hear someone in the hall calling for me. Much to my disappointment he withdraws and runs quickly over to lock it. I want to stay for a few minutes and cuddle but he is acting nervous all of a sudden and won’t look me in the eye. “Josh” I say. “What we just did was totally ok. Actually it was pretty fantastic. You don’t have to act so weird about it.” He nods but doesn’t act any less uncomfortable. He gathers my clothes and hands them to me. 

I smile at him. “I want to clean up a little first.” I say setting them aside. He gives me the beach towel he had tied around his waist and I wipe some of his fluids from my thighs. “Rosy must be as lonely as I am” I joke. “That was quite a load there Joshy.” He gives me a shy smile and scratches the back of his neck adorably. “Sorry” he says. “I should have used a condom but I saw you coming and I’ve wanted…I just couldn’t stop. Thank God for birth control I guess.” I frown at him. “I’m not on the pill” I say. His head jerks up. “Shit” he curses which forces a sharp pain in my chest and jolts my temper. 

He can read my changing mood. “I didn’t mean it like that” he tells me. “But a pregnancy is not a good idea.” I cock my head to the side and raise up to my full height to challenge him. “Why not?” I ask. “I want more children and we are married. I wouldn’t be the least bit sad to discover that I’m pregnant. You might know that if you talked to me more.” He looks like a deer in headlights. Clearly he wasn’t expecting me to say that. “You want another baby with me?” he questions dumbfounded. “Of course” I say like it is completely obvious. “Evie and Tanner are the best things that ever happened to us. I know the timing is shitty but if I am it will be fine. We are going to work things out.” 

He nods but appears to be in a daze as he slips back into his swim trunks and pulls a t-shirt over his head. I feel better that we have been intimate again and it was the right way to ring in the New Year even though it doesn’t change the fundamentals of the separation. I have very mixed emotions when my period comes a few weeks later. I just wish I knew what he was thinking, what it all meant to him. I need to confront him and get things out on the table. We need to talk through the things Dr. Degregorio brought up to me regarding how little I know about his life and intentions. I’m just afraid. Scared that I’ll find out that he doesn’t intend to come home, that he doesn’t want what we used to have anymore. I’m still hoping that he will make the next move.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter and the things mentioned below. 
> 
> The return to flirting, it's a good thing. 
> 
> Jen does what she wants despite her family being there, also a good thing. 
> 
> First sex in a long time but the communication at the end is bad (one of the main reasons they have so many problems obviously). Josh is clearly surprised that she is open to having another baby (not sure she actually should be by the way). This was news to him and she handles it as badly as she did on the island, leaving him to think that she only wants to be with him because she wants to have a child and he is really the only viable option. They have been through this before and he didn't handle it well last time. All that being said, I still think this chapter was a step forward for them, just not the definitive one we might have been hoping for. 
> 
> Jen also gives us the reason she isn't pushing him harder for answers.


	40. The New Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer develops a newfound confidence as she begins to work again and her life starts to normalize. An evening visit with Josh reveals things are not going as smoothly for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved all of your feedback on the last chapter, you are so good to me and to these characters. They feel the love from you even if they are not feeling it from each other. 
> 
> This quick update was brought to you by Catarinan7, BellaGracie, Avis11, stjohn27, elily, este13, gaht, Panda, everthornefan, and Terelou who all left me terrific comments last time. (especially Avis11 who offered to bribe me for it and este13 who begs so nicely). 
> 
> For all of you who have been dying to know a little bit more about what is going on in Josh's world there is some good stuff in this chapter. We also find out what they will do about Evie's schooling and get some thoughts on what Jen wants for her future. It's a good read and I think you will like it.

Liz is thrilled when I agree to reemerge into public life but she is surprised that I choose to do so primarily as a writer and not as an actress. I will act again someday but right now I have caught the writing bug and find that I am actually pretty good at it. Once I have a few scripts completed, I ask Liz to represent my work. I still have a big name and interest in me is very high due to my long absence and the mystery surrounding me since my return. It isn’t long before I am sitting at the negotiating table getting a couple of preliminary deals signed. 

My confidence grows by the day as I discuss ideas with studios, producers, and directors. I enjoy working in this business and feel the most comfortable and in my element when I am being creative and telling a story. I also continue to work on some smaller independent films pro bono assisting with casting and coaching young actors. I absolutely love the new ways I have found to contribute. They are focused purely on what I have to bring to the project in terms of my talent, insight, and intellect and not on what I look like or who people think I am sleeping with. I receive an email from David but after recounting my conversations with Josh on the island and thinking of my children and how I want to teach them to let other people treat them I move my finger forward and hit the delete button without responding. 

Josh played a super hero in a popular music video and signed on to produce a couple of independent films with a few guys he used to work with before the crash. He still comes over every day and it is great to have someone so knowledgeable to run ideas by and discuss projects with. I still love him but I have decided to give him the space he seems to need so much. I don’t really have much of a choice and I would rather be his friend than his bitter ex-wife (which is where I fear I will land if I push things too hard). 

We have started Evie on curriculum with a private tutor and she is a very driven and dedicated student. The teacher we hired is very impressed with her and almost immediately has to find more challenging material to engage her with. She still talks about life on the island a lot but she does now enjoy pop tarts and Paw Patrol too. When we first moved here she played with the new toys my folks bought her but she has largely abandoned them in favor of her puppy and wooden animals. When I see her smile at her homemade toys in this multi-million dollar mansion my breath catches and I have to close my eyes to hold back the tears. That is the crazy mismatch that our life represents. 

Tanner has started walking and looks more like his father every day. He smiles and claps his hands and is completely in love with his mommy. He is getting big and I am working again although mostly from home. I made the very hard decision to stop nursing him and the even harder decision to hire some help. I still refuse to have a Nanny and only leave them with family and sometimes with Laura but I do get a house and grounds keeper as well as a part time cook. I feel uneasy at first having strangers in our house but I can’t do everything on my own forever and it is good for Evie to be around other people. 

Things are going well and I feel like we are finally starting to settle in and normalize. I should be happy and I am some days, but underneath the newfound success and poise I feel…lonely. My bed is empty and so is my vagina. Once upon a time that was fine with me, I didn’t need a man to be fulfilled and in a way that is still true. I don’t need some guy to like me just so that I feel worthwhile and validated. I am coming to realize that there is a ton of meaning and purpose in my life without him in it. But I’ve been his wife before and I know how we loved each other. I know what our passion feels like. I know what it’s like to experience every day with the love of your life and this sure as hell isn’t it. This isn’t awful, but I’ve had better. 

“Can you stay tonight?” I ask him one evening when he gets up off the couch to head out. I was planning to take this opportunity to press him on where our relationship is headed and when he might be willing to move back in with me but he looks so tired and beat down. He has been quiet and reserved all afternoon, even with the kids. It isn’t like him and he seems so utterly defeated that I just don’t have the heart to be confrontational. He looks like he is going to turn me down, make up some excuse to go home or out or wherever the hell he goes. But I think exhaustion wins out because all he says is “ok” and we go back to watching basketball.

I could care less about the game and I have things to do but I want to spend some time with him. His eyes are starting to look droopy when I reach across the short space between us and lace our fingers together. I study his profile noting the changes the years have brought. When we met he was such a high spirited clown of a teenage boy, filled with the confidence you have because you haven’t been crushed by anything yet. I miss him, that boy I fell in love with. But I know he is in there somewhere buried in the man who has carried so many burdens. He is in there and he needs me. 

By the time the game ends my feet are tucked up under me and I am snuggled into my husband’s side. We don’t hold each other often anymore and it feels unbelievably good. When we were on the island life felt so vivid and real. We knew every day could be our last and that we were each other’s very survival. We always touched, kissed, caressed, loved on each other. It had extreme highs and lows but it always kept things in perspective for me. Here, the details and every day issues of life swallow up so much of its overall meaning. How many relationships have died a slow death from the humdrum grind of the endless routine of suburbia? 

The game is over and I grab the remote and switch off the TV. I pull him a little closer to me and think about what Dr. Degregorio challenged me to do. “How are things going with your family?” I ask. “Ok, I guess” he answers in a tired voice. “Have you been able to see Connor again and really visit with him?” I press. “I stopped in to see him on my way out to filming once and we had some drinks together. He doesn’t visit here because things are pretty strained between him and Mom. He always got along better with Dad and I managed things with Mom. It’s been really hard for them to navigate their relationship after both of us were gone.” I nod and continue to rub his arm gently. I should have asked him about it ages ago but I am glad he is talking now. 

“How is he?” I inquire. “He’s good and he has a great girlfriend and they are going to get married this year. He likes his job, reading between the lines I can tell he is a workaholic. He just doesn’t have a relationship with Mom and Dad is gone and so are my grandparents.” He meets my eyes and I can see how sad and lonely he is. “I don’t really have a family anymore” he admits. I slide down on the couch and bring him with me. He doesn’t resist as I move his cheek to rest on my chest and run my fingers through his hair and over his back. “Yes you do” I say firmly. “You’re right here with us. Evie and Tanner and I love you with all our hearts. We’re your family. You belong with us and to us.” 

I expect a verbal response but instead he puts his arms around me and buries his face in my hair. His arms may be stronger but I know that tonight I am holding him. Rocking him in my arms and letting him drown in my scent. It isn’t sexual, this part of our relationship. It’s much stronger, it’s the bond that makes you safe, that protects and restores you, that makes you literally the other person’s sanctuary. “Can you feel my heart beating?” I ask him softly. It isn’t something I have dared to bring up in a long time. “Yes” he whispers. “That’s because we are still in love” I tell him with more confidence than I probably should. 

After a time I realize that he is shaking. At first I think he is trembling with emotion but when I notice the pale hue of his skin and the darkness under his eyes I recognize the heat beneath my fingers for what it is. He is sick. I bring the back of my hand to my forehead and then to his. He is running a fever. A thousand bad memories assail me at once. “Josh” I whisper nudging him. “Josh, I need to get up and get the thermometer and some Tylenol.” He nuzzles his nose against me and mutters something I can’t understand. 

“I think you have a fever” I say a little louder and lift us both into a sitting positon. “I need to go” he says and starts towards the door. I can tell by the way he is moving that his muscles hurt. “Josh… stop” I call after him. “You aren’t in any shape to stay by yourself.” He keeps going. “I don’t want to give it to you or the kids” he replies. He is almost at the door when I dash forward to block his way. “You aren’t going anywhere” I inform him. “You’re sick and you are staying right here where I can take care of you.” He tries to push past me. “I can stay with my Mom.” I plant my hands on his shoulders and refuse to budge. “The hell you will! You aren’t walking out this door. You are turning around and marching right up to bed.” 

He isn’t well enough to take on determined Momma Bear Jennifer. He follows me upstairs and I lead him to our bedroom. “I can stay in one of the guest rooms” he offers. I point to the bed. “Stop it. You are sleeping in our bed where I can watch over you and hover and drive you insane.” He smiles and I lift an eyebrow in question. “You still think of it as our bed” he points out. I pull back the covers. “Of course I do. Any bed I sleep in is where you belong too. Now get those clothes off.” This time he doesn’t argue with me. He sits on the bed and pulls off his shirt and unlatches his belt. I kneel down and remove his socks and pull off his jeans. 

He is asleep almost immediately which makes taking his temperature and getting him to take the medication more difficult. It isn’t ridiculously high 102.9 but I want to keep an eye on it. I text Michelle so that she knows what is going on and she says she will come over in the morning to help with the kids. I spend a restless night worrying about him and periodically making him drink fluids. He tosses and turns and murmurs my name until I come and sooth him, assure him that I’m alright. By morning the fever is about the same but he looks more rested. I lay beside him propped on my elbow and he runs his fingers through my still waist length hair over and over again. “You’re so beautiful” he says with a smile. I kiss his forehead. “I think you are hallucinating” I tease him. “Then I must have been my whole life” he says with his best Hutcherson charm and I blush because I am a fool who still feels flutters in her belly every time he says things like that. 

The next day he is significantly better but makes excuses to stay a couple more nights. I know he doesn’t want to leave but by the end of the week he does so anyway. It is so frustrating. I know something is keeping us apart but I don’t know what it is. Could it be what I said to Jena all those years ago? Is he still feeling hurt or insecure about it? I feel like the last 10 years have made up for some cruel comments at this point. Does he still think something happened between me and Chris? Is he seeing someone? Does he want to? I try to talk to him about it and he just keeps insisting that we need more time. Several of my friends have advised me to test the waters and get back out there again but I refuse. I’m married and my vows mean something to me. And at the end of the day I am still in love with him. I could go out with another guy but it would only hurt all of us and I can’t imagine the way Evie would react to seeing me with anyone other than her father. 

I sit in my regular session with Dr. Degregorio and we talk about my nightmares and the stress level I am feeling day to day. He has taken me down to one medication and it has been a bit of an adjustment but overall a pretty good success. I tell him about the things I have been working on in my career and share my frustrations about my stalled relationship with Josh. He doesn’t type on his computer much anymore. He mostly just listens to me bitch and then asks annoyingly revealing questions. “What life do you want?” he asks me. I roll my eyes at him. “I’m serious” he laughs. “If you could choose the ideal life for you what would you want for it?” 

I ask him to give me a week to think about it and I take some time each day to jot down my thoughts in the therapeutic journal he is semi-forcing me to keep. In our next session I am ready to answer him. “I want Evie to feel safe and secure and for her to be happy and to grow. I want Tanner to shine his little light and continue to be a blessing to everyone and I want him to be healthy. I want my family to stop being assholes and accept me for who I am and give Josh the credit and respect he deserves. My Mom is on her way to being there but my Dad and my brother Blaine won’t even try. I want to feel connected to my friends again. I want to feel like I belong in my space and have confidence in my ability to handle my day to day life. I want to keep writing and being involved in making films in some way. I want to be respected for my talents and I want to be seen as a person and not a symbol. I want Josh to come home and I want to rebuild our marriage. I want him to be honest with me and I want to feel like we can read each other’s minds again. Then I want to do nothing but eat and have sex together for at least a week.” 

When I finish I set my notebook down and he is grinning ear to ear. “Not all of that is under your control but it is a good vision” he tells me. “Take a few of those and make another list of things you can start doing now to make some of those things happen or at least give them a chance to happen. You are a very capable woman Jennifer. I think you are starting to realize that and harnessing that confidence is going to go a low way towards getting you to where you want to be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter isn't super unpredictable but there is some substance to it. 
> 
> My favorite lines:
> 
> “Stop it. You are sleeping in our bed where I can watch over you and hover and drive you insane.”
> 
> Then I want to do nothing but eat and have sex together for at least a week.
> 
> Some interesting things to ponder and leave feedback on. 
> 
> Jen's return to the movie making world in roles other than an actress and how that makes her feel and see herself differently. 
> 
> Evie starts school and continues to try to figure out her new world and Tanner is just to freaking cute. 
> 
> Jen's reflections on her life as ok, but not great and her vision and goals for her future. 
> 
> Jen reaches out to Josh about how things are going with his family and what he reveals and the lovin she gives him after.


	41. Haven't We Been Here Before?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen and Josh travel to Atlanta for a Hunger Games reunion show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it's been a busy week and this is the first chance I have gotten to update. 
> 
> This chapter is really fun. I wanted to make sure that we revisited the Hunger Games because it was such a pivotal part of their lives and relationship. When I went to write some of the interview scenes and dynamics I just kept getting it wrong so I had to go back and watch some youtube videos for a little refresher which made me laugh and reminded me why I picked these two for the basis of fanfiction characters. So I watched Oh, Joshifer Part 4 which is just a montage of clips from the last Hunger Games Comic Con and then I was good to go. 
> 
> New characters:
> 
> Sam Claflin: Sam is a long time friend of both Jen and Josh but is definitely closer to Josh. He played Finnick Odair in the Hunger Games movies. 
> 
> I love all of your thoughts and feedback so please share them with me.

Paramount proceeds with the film based on our lives without our participation. “Whatever” I tell Liz. “As long as they don’t cast Ashley Farthing to play me I am good with it.” They ask us to participate as consultants but we decline. Who knows what the tone or message of the film will be and I don’t want my name associated with it. It doesn’t bother me so much anymore. They don’t know the details of what happened so it will likely be the run of the mill two people find themselves in difficult circumstances and fall in love generic love story. Quite a few sources have interest in casting the two of us together again in other films. Fuck no! That would be so confusing to me right now and I am already dizzy from all of the mixed signals we give each other. 

One thing that we do agree to is meeting up in Atlanta with some of our old cast mates to do an hour long Hunger Games reunion show. It’s going to be painful without Liam, Woody, Francis and Nina but I haven’t seen Sam, Natalie, or most of the rest of the gang since the accident and it’s too good of a chance to pass up. We have kept up the image of a happy couple in the press even though rumors of our separation persist and the paps have lots of pictures showing that Josh doesn’t actually live with us. We will need to make sure that we appear appropriately in love with each other during the taping and subsequent promotional interview. It’s funny, we spent years trying to be careful not to be too flirtatious and intimate when the cameras were rolling and now we will need to put on an act to demonstrate that we are feeling those things. At least I think parts of it are an act because we are separated. Still, we spend time every day together and we still kiss sometimes and I know that we both want to fuck. I’m not sure exactly what is between us anymore. I just know that it is still strong and that it is threatening to grow. 

It will be strange being back with everyone again, the way things are. Our mothers decide to stay at my house with the kids for the weekend and I buy out the first class section of a flight to Atlanta. When Josh comes to pick me up he is buzzing with energy. Sam was one of his closest friends when we filmed together and I know he can’t wait to connect with him again. 

I haven’t brought up the contract clauses since we talked it over that night at the house over our McDonalds. It still bothers me sometimes and threatens to taint some of my memories but if I want to work things out with him I have to be willing to let it go. His face is full of excitement as we board the plane and despite having the whole section to ourselves he plops down right beside me. “I came prepared” he tells me opening a bag full of Doritos, mini muffins, and Sour Patch Kids.” I shake my head dismissively. “Stop acting like a kid” I tell him while simultaneously grabbing it from him and taking out what I want. He has a good laugh at my hypocrisy. 

His good humor is infectious and I take his hand in mine. Out of necessity I have largely gotten over my fear of flying but I can’t help the déjà vu that comes over me at sitting on a flight for a Hunger Games promotion with my fingers wrapped in his. He keeps talking in an effort to distract me. It’s like he has some detector in his brain that senses even the slightest spikes in my anxiety levels. “Let’s play a game” he suggests. “Put your ear buds in” I tell him. “Truth or dare?” he asks with a big stupid grin. “No” I say but I can’t help but laugh. “I am 36 years old. I am not playing Truth of Dare.” I pause. “At least not here. This isn’t a private place, they might be filming us for all you know.” He sits back in his seat. “Fine” he says haughtily. “I dare you not to play.” I let out an exasperated sigh. “I told you I am not playing that stupid game.” He smiles. “So good, you are playing then.” 

By the time we land we are both hyped up on sugar and he has guzzled about 5 Mountain Dews. He grabs the remaining snacks and goes racing across the terminal to the car service. I don’t hesitate but a second before I go running after him. I chase him to the limo, laughing the whole way. We are still playing rowdy and can barely contain ourselves as we check into the hotel. I am pleased when he carries both of our bags to the same room and once he sets them down I tackle him onto the bed. My hands reach under his arms and to his thighs where he is particularly ticklish.

He is laughing so hard he can barely breathe but I know he likes it because he could stop me but he doesn’t. When he runs low on oxygen he reverses the tide and has me giggling my head off. “Stop” I plead with him. “I need to breathe. I give up.” He sits back celebrating at his victory until I pounce. I knock him backwards and lift up his shirt and blow on his belly. It’s such a ridiculous thing to do that he is momentarily shocked into indecision and Sam and Jena take just that moment to push open the door that we left ajar. 

“Woah” Sam exclaims as he walks in. “I know you two have redefined the relationship and all but I don’t actually want to see it.” Josh sits up with an equally happy expression. “Then leave Sam. The little woman is just getting started.” I give him a horrified expression. I am actually pissed about the disparaging remark until I realize that he was completely joking. For some insane reason I feel the need to explain myself. “I wasn’t…I wasn’t doing that. We were just playing around and having a tickle fight and I was blowing on Josh’s belly.” 

Sam cocks his head and strokes his chin in mock concentration. “Well, you two are no less strange I see. The crazy thing is that you are probably telling the truth.” Jena appears completely amused by the whole situation. “We just came to get you two turtle doves. They are ready to serve lunch before we do hair and makeup.” 

It’s great to see everyone again and the afternoon flies by which is ideal. I haven’t done an appearance like this in a very long time and it is best if I don’t give myself too much time to think about it. Before I know it I am sitting in the center of the group with Josh on one side and Jenna on the other. It feels wrong. She is sitting in Liam’s seat. I can tell that Josh feels his absence too. I reach for his hand and he scoots closer and takes it, resting our joined fingers on my leg. I look around to see who is watching and if they are filming yet and then I remember that it doesn’t matter. We are married now. Not only is it ok for me to show outward affection like this it is what people expect. We aren’t in relationships with other people that we need to protect or will have to explain it later to. 

I know that he can feel the slight tremble of my body. He leans over and kisses my cheek. “Relax” he tells me. “We are just going to talk about old times and share some good memories. You look gorgeous and the viewers are Hunger Games fans. They already love you.” I take a deep breath and nod. The moderator starts by honoring those who are not present and then asks some typical tell us about what the film meant to you questions. We recount some of our favorite stories and laugh together as a group. The conversation inevitably devolves in recounting times that Josh and I pretended to be cats or peed in the ocean together. When other people are talking we whisper back and forth and when it seems rude to speak we gesture and read each other’s lips. It eases all of my tension and most of the hour flies by. 

We are nearly in the home stretch when the conversation turns to our relationship. “So” the moderator says turning our way. “I think we have all heard that Katniss and Peeta here have shared quite a few real beach kisses since the release of Mocking Jay Part 2.” I sit frozen in place. I don’t want to talk about my marriage and I really don’t want to discuss our time on the island. It belonged to us and no one else will ever understand and I don’t want them butting in to it. I tighten my grip on Josh’s hand. It’s a signal to him that I do not want to take the question. 

“Yes” he answers. “Jen and I have shared a lot of our lives together and I love her so much. She has been and is so many things to me. It reminds me of that part in the book where Peeta lists all the words he uses to try to figure Katniss out.” The moderator smiles. “And what words would you use to figure Jennifer out?” he asks. He puts his chin in his hand and leans forward a bit in concentration. “Well, I guess thinking from the beginning- co-star, friend, girlfriend, wife, family, tickle buddy.” This gets everyone laughing.

“Tickle buddy?” the moderator questions in amusement. “Sure” Josh says as if it is the most serious thing in the world. “That is the most important one.” The moderator is laughing now and shaking his head. “Do I even want to know?” he asks. Josh, being the total ham that he is continues and keeps a straight face the whole time. “It is the only thing you actually need another person for. I mean, if you need to you can do everything else for yourself. It may not be as good, but hey you can do it. But you can’t tickle yourself. It doesn’t work. You have to have a tickle buddy if you really want to laugh.” People all over the room begin to try it and realize that he is right. 

The smile on my face is about more than just his humorously insightful comments. He has done it again. He has charmed them all and not violated my privacy. God, I love him so much. I can’t wait to show him when we get back to the room. 

It doesn’t happen the way that I plan however. When we finish filming everyone goes out to dinner and then most of them continue the party back in our suite. Everyone has been drinking all night and some of them pass out on our floor. I am about there myself when Sam snorts and shakes his head at me. “What?” I ask lifting my head off of Josh’s chest. He is sitting propped up at the head of our King size bed with his arm around me. “It’s just weird seeing you two together like that” he comments. 

“What’s so weird about it?” I question kind of annoyed. Josh and Sam were super tight when we filmed and I have always harbored some unfair and unnecessary feelings of resentment against him. “I don’t know” he says. “I’m just not used to it yet. I mean imagine if Jena and I both died in a tragic accident and you mourned us for a decade. You remembered all the good times but you had us frozen in your mind as we were when we disappeared and 10 years went by. Then one day you see on the news that we have been alive the whole time and we come back and we are married and have kids. Don’t you think that would freak you out a little?” I guess I hadn’t really thought about it completely from their perspective. “Yes” I agree. “That would be fucking crazy.” 

We are all a little hung over the next morning but Josh and I have to get up early anyway. We are doing our first joint interview since our return to promote the special that we shot last night on Good Morning America. It tends to be a broader and more family oriented audience than the night time talk shows so at least we aren’t likely to have to field any questions about our sex life. 

I take a shower while Josh shaves at the sink and I can’t help but pull back the curtain and peek at him. He looks damned good in his boxer briefs and his v line is killing me. When he finishes he turns around to study my profile and I make a point of washing my breasts and running my fingers through my long hair. I step out without a towel and don a terry cloth robe so that I can sit and watch him clean up while I comb out my hair. 

I have a dress that I am supposed to wear but I ditch it in favor of a tight top and mini-skirt. They will likely change my clothes again at the studio so it really doesn’t matter. Besides, it isn’t the television audience that I am hoping to gain attention from. I add some flats and grab a jacket. When we walk out to the car and he stays two steps behind me just to stare at my swaying hips and my nearly visible ass I know it’s getting the job done. 

When we arrive at hair and makeup they give me a sexy but sophisticated and more mature look than when I was last here. I really like it. The overall effect works with my current attire and we decide to leave it on. They bring me out first and I notice that they have those stupid chairs with the long seats set up. It is like they are halfway between a chair and a chaise lounge. Every once in a while they will want us to sit in these for interviews which is dumb because it always looks awkward. They are also really hard for Josh. He has to kind of sit on one leg on the edge and let the other one hang over the side. If he sits in them normally his feet don’t touch the ground and then they have a tendency to dangle and swing. I think it is fucking cute as can be but it embarrasses him and now that I know him better I have a clearer understanding as to why. 

I walk over to one of the crew. “I’m kind of nervous” I tell her. “This is my first live interview in a long time and I think I would feel better if I could sit right by my husband.” She nods and in a few minutes one of the managers is directing them to bring out a small couch. “Would this work better Miss Lawrence?” he asks. I approve the change and thank him for being so accommodating. Josh never has to know. 

We sit on the love seat and his hand rests distractingly on my thigh. He whispers funny little comments but I barely register their content over the shivers I feel at his breath on the shell of my ear. I don’t know what has come over me but I have to keep clenching my thighs together to deal with my growing arousal and I am afraid that I should have worn regular panties. I feel slick enough to leave a wet spot on this cushion. 

The actual interview goes well. It is just a few minutes and they take up most of the time talking about the special and showing the audience a photo of us on a tour stop promoting the first movie and then a picture we provided them of our family right after Tanner was born. The female host sighs and gets dreamy eyed over how adorable we are. I lay it on thick, laughing at his jokes and hanging on his arm. My family will hate it and it’s not the direction Liz would have me go either but they aren’t my priority. I want him to know that I am comfortable with people thinking of me as his wife. I’m also saying fuck you to Ashley Farthing and shamelessly marking my territory. 

I am nearly shaking with anticipation as we walk back stage and he follows me straight to my dressing room. The stylist must sense the tension because he doesn’t offer a comment as he grabs his things and scurries out the door. Josh locks it behind him. I want him to come over and kiss me but instead he turns me around to face the mirror. “Look at you” he says dangerously. “Dammit Jennifer you did this on purpose.” I refuse to lower my eyes and continue to stare at the reflection of him watching me. “So?” I challenge. 

He reaches around me and pulls my top up so that he can see my breasts which look larger than normal in the push up bra I am wearing. He cups and messages them within the confines of the lace before unhooking the thing and letting it drop to the floor so he can weigh and jiggle them himself. “No woman should be allowed to be this beautiful” he tells me before pushing me forward so that I am bent over the vanity. Slowly, he lifts my skirt to discover the black thong beneath and he breathes a curse before shoving the skirt all the way up to see my ass completely. 

My body is humming with anticipation and unresolved sexual energy when his hand comes forward to smack my cheek for the first time. The sting sends a jolt of pleasure straight to my core. He waits a moment before spanking me again and my clit throbs in response. I let out little whimpers at the pain and enjoyment he is giving. He smacks me again and then rubs the stinging flesh to sooth it. My clit is swollen to the point of agony when he finally stops. I look up to see that he is watching us in the mirror. I can see how red my ass cheeks are and how well positioned I am for his entry. 

I am also ridiculously aroused to discover that he has dropped his pants is stroking himself each time he spanks me. “Take your shirt off” I order him. I want to see his abs and narrow waist while he gets himself off to my image. When he pulls back on the downward stroke of his cock the head visually pulses. I moan in frustration and he shoves me a little farther forward so that I can grab the counter and pulls my soaked thong off. His fingers find my clit and it is literally about 30 seconds until I cum for him. 

My walls haven’t even stopped fluttering when he teases my opening with his head. He knows that I like to be played with like this and he slips it in and out repeatedly, stimulating a sensitive spot just inside. I am mewling and arching towards him by the time he slams into me full force. “Fuck” I yell as he grabs my hair and pulls my head back. He moves us ever so slightly to the side so that he can better watch his body disappear into mine. I have never seen us like this before and the effect is electric. A wave of erotic pleasure takes me and I pant his name as he fills a void that only he can. 

His face is strained by a powerful ecstasy and desire and his thrusts begin to stutter a bit. “Shoot it inside of me” I call to him. His head shakes back and forth but his thrusts continue. “Give it to me” I demand. “Give me your cum.” That kind of dirty talk has a devastating effect on him and he pulls out and shoots it all over my ass and lower back. We slump forward, spent and sated for the first time in what feels like forever. We haven’t been careful. I’ve been loud as hell and it will be a miracle if half the studio didn’t hear us. I cup his face in my hands and give him a long kiss. “It’s ok baby” I tell him. “This is exactly the press we want. If they heard us so much the better.” He nods but his mind seems a million miles away. “Yeah” he tells me. “I guess it is what we want them to believe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a fun one so I hope you enjoyed it and there was some important and meaningful things slipped in here and there. 
> 
> It ends on an unsatisfying note but there is a lot of laughter and remembering why they were so great together in the first place and it was also sexy so win, win. I love how they slipped right back into old patterns of obnoxious behavior because they were going to the reunion. It is amazing how different we can be when we are in a new setting and in their case when they are doing something that used to be so familiar and can remind them of some of the good parts of who they used to be. 
> 
> I would love to hear your thoughts and feedback on any part of this chapter. 
> 
> For those of you who are dying to know what is going on with Josh behind the scenes we will get back to that and dive more into it in the next chapter. I think it speaks volumes how happy he was on this trip and how long it has been since we have seen him that way.


	42. Connor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer's frustration with the separation continues to deepen as she worries about both herself and her children. She speaks with Josh and with Doctor Degregorio about it and also receives some much needed information from an unexpected source.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone for hanging in there with me and these two characters, especially all of you who leave me feedback. You are really helping me to become a better writer. 
> 
> This chapter is full of information so you will want to read carefully. For those of you who are wondering what is going on in Josh's life this chapter is for you. It doesn't give us the full picture of why he moved out and why he won't come home but it gives us some more pieces to the puzzle. 
> 
> We also get an update on Evie and an insightful conversation with Dr. Degregorio. 
> 
> Make sure to leave me comments because I am sure that you are going to have them.

I am deeply frustrated and more than a little bit hurt to discover that when we arrive home nothing changes. At least nothing big. We do a little bit more touching, he stays later to spend more time with me. But he avoids the conversation of moving our relationship forward to a full reconciliation. It is hard enough on my own psyche but I also have two small children to think about. 

As I am returning from a meeting one day I hear him and my mother discussing Evie’s excessive hat wearing. When we went to my parent’s for Christmas I bought her a fleece hat that has a fringe Mohawk and comes down to cover her ears and she virtually hasn’t taken it off since despite the warmer climate. Josh and I think that it’s cute but it annoys our mothers that we never make her take it off. I remind them that it doesn’t feel that hot here to her and that it helps make her feel more secure. I make sure to bring it whenever she needs to interact with new or larger groups of people.

“I like my hat” she interjects into the conversation. “I’m going to take it with us when we go home.” My mother gives her a kiss and pats her head. “You are home you silly girl” she tells her. Evie drops back down on the floor to play with her animals. “No I’m not” Evie tells my mother. “This is not our home. My Daddy doesn’t live here.” She loads the figurines into her boat and sings a little song to herself as she motors them around the rug. 

I confront Josh about it later that evening. “We can’t keep living like this” I tell him. “We are confusing her and quite frankly we are confusing me too.” He starts to speak but I raise my hand to cut him off. “You keep saying we need more time but I don’t get what we are waiting for. I need something more solid than that. I need to know what goal we are working towards or what the timeline is or I need to know that you really aren’t ever coming back.” I regret my last words as soon as they come out of my mouth. If that is the truth I am in no way ready to hear it. 

When he doesn’t respond right away I start to panic. My temperature feels like it is rising and my stomach twists painfully. He recognizes the signs of a looming episode and moves forward to hold me. “Relax” he tells me. “Jennifer baby, relax I’m not going anywhere. I would never abandon you. I’ll talk to Dr. Degregorio. Maybe we should think about starting to see him together as a next step.” I pull back so that I can look at him. “Are you serious?” I ask. “You are ready to start some joint sessions so we discuss some things, and we can talk about you coming home?” He nods and I pull him close again. We need this to work, we all need it so much. 

During my next session I mention it to our doctor. “Josh brought up doing some joint sessions” I tell him. “Yes” he says clicking the keys on his laptop. “I have been pushing him about it for a little while, I’m glad he has agreed to moving forward.” I furrow my brow. I thought his therapy was one of the things we were waiting on. “I don’t get it” I tell him. “I don’t understand why he won’t just come home. He loves his children more than anything in the world. I know that. And I think he is still in love with me too. Why does he think he has to fix everything before he starts living with us again? I would think our love and support would help him.” I lean forward and hold my head in my hands. 

Dr. Degregorio leans back and rests the side of his foot on his knee. “I’ve been treating both of you for quite some time” he tells me. “And I want to share something with you that I have noticed being from the outside.” He has my attention. He has never told me anything about Josh before. Our treatment has always been completely separate and confidential. “You and Joshua are like two coins. One side is the same. You are both high energy. You both love acting and making films. You both love music and eating and have an incredible capacity to care for and protect others. You are both charming, humorous and intelligent. You both love to play and have fun but are also incredibly driven to succeed.”

Yes, I think to myself. I can accept those things as objectively true. “But the other side of the coins are completely different. You are an introvert and Josh is an extrovert. You are likely to act out on your feelings and to voice them, he almost always bottles them and tries to deal with them alone. You have many fears and are trying to conquer them, he has only a couple but tends to be a prisoner to them. You were raised by fawning and adoring parents, he was raised by folks with high expectations who remained largely emotionally aloof. You see things through a lens of emotions and him through one of reason. ”

He shifts in his chair and removes his glasses to wipe them before returning them to his face. “If you flipped one of these coins would you be more likely to get the side that is similar or the side that is different?” I have to think about it longer than I should. “Neither. You are just as likely to get one side as the other.” He nods with a smile. “Exactly, but you and your husband don’t usually see it that way. You are more likely to believe that you are the same and he is more likely to believe that you are different which tends to lead to you not seeing the problems that are there and to him seeing problems that are not truly present.”

I think about what Dr. Degregorio said for several days but I am still not sure what it all means and what implications in may have for a possible reconciliation. I am shocked the next week when I get a text from a number that I do not recognize. 

Connor: Jennifer, this is Connor. I got your number from my mother. I need to talk to you about something. 

Jen: Sure. Hi Connor, I hope you are doing well and can come to visit soon. 

Connor: That is what I wanted to talk to you about. I am coming to town Friday and spending some time with Josh. I am sure I will see your kids when I am with him. Do you have time to meet me for lunch on Sunday?

Jen: Yes, I can send a car for you. 

Connor: That’s ok. I told Josh I am flying out that morning but I want to meet up with you before I head out. I can just meet you wherever you want to go.

We agree to a place and in a few days I am sitting in the private dining room of one of my favorite restaurants wondering what the hell my brother in law could possibly have to say to me that he doesn’t want my husband knowing about. I have learned a lot about Connor through the years I have spent with Josh and I have been around him a few times in groups but we have never had more than a 5 minute conversation and I haven’t seen or heard from him since our reception at the airport when we first came back. 

He arrives right on time and sits nervously across from me and tries not to make eye contact. I make small talk about the kids and his mother and brother while we eat and he supplies short but courteous responses. When he declines to order dessert I help him move the conversation along. “So Connor” I say. “You asked me here. There is obviously something important that you wanted to discuss. We are family even if we don’t know each other that well so why don’t you just get it out on the table.” 

He nods but seems no more comfortable in outlining whatever the issue is with me. “Ok” he begins. “My brother doesn’t know that I am here and I know he will be furious if he finds out. But I care about him and there are some things I think you should know and I don’t think he is ever going to tell you.” Oh God, maybe there is someone else. Have I really been that blind? “I’m hoping that knowing the whole picture might help you guys in working things out” he continues. 

Well, at least he wants us to stay together. That is a start, maybe Connor will end up being my ally in this thing. I nod enthusiastically and lean in to listen to what he has to say. “When Josh disappeared my Mom didn’t do that well. He has always been more successful than me and so he was her favorite child. We started fighting a lot, especially about money. We stopped receiving Josh’s royalty checks and I wanted to use what was left for college and for the down payment on a home but she just kept up our lifestyle like he was still here. My Dad and I thought she should start working again but she wouldn’t. Then my Dad got sick. We all wanted the best care possible for him and it was expensive. We paid for every treatment available but nothing worked. We sold the houses and all of Josh’s stuff to keep up with the medical bills. My Mother had to borrow from our relatives to pay for his funeral.”

Connor leans his head forward and pulls a little on his hair very much like his brother does when he is upset. He looks up at me and I can see in his eyes why this is so hard for him. He is embarrassed, ashamed at admitting his parent’s financial situation to me. “That’s the main reason we don’t get along. She has been living off money borrowed from friends and family ever since. She used to be this vibrant and thriving woman but when she thought that Josh died she lost her spark, she fell into a depression and then Dad died and she just gave up. She simplified things down to the basics, but it’s still more debt every year and I refuse to pay it. I’m trying to start my own life. My girlfriend and I are getting married and I want a family of my own.”

I lay a hand on his arm. “That is perfectly understandable. You aren’t responsible from your parent’s decisions.” He gives me a half smile. “Yeah, but I think you can guess who thinks he is. Jen, he is broke. I mean worse than that, since he will always bail her out he was in pretty deep when he got back. She sold everything while he was gone. I don’t think he even owned a closet of clothes. That’s why he took that acting role. They paid him a lot of money upfront and he was able to pay some of the debt off and buy my Mom a decent house. He has money coming from those royalties but we don’t know when we will get it. He feels awful that he can’t contribute anything to your family financially. He is working his ass off so that he can afford to make his child support payments.”

I sit back, my head spinning from what he has said and its implications. “I don’t give a fuck about child support” I say. “I’m a millionaire the last thing I need is more money. It doesn’t matter to me at all.” He gives me a look that asks “Are you stupid?” I think about it before supplying the obvious conclusion. “But he does” I say quietly. “Why didn’t he tell me?” I ask, talking more to myself than to Connor. “I sent him our financial statements, he knows we are loaded.” Connor just shakes his head. “He knows you are loaded. In his mind, that will never be his money.”

“Why?” I ask angrily. “Because I’m a woman. Is this some kind of a macho thing that he can’t get over that I make more than he does?” He looks sad for a moment then kills his drink. “Talking about this shit isn’t any easier for me than it is for him. Coming here today was honest to God one of the hardest things I have ever had to do so can you make it worth my while and listen to some advice from a guy who knows parts of Josh that you don’t?”

I take a couple of cleansing breaths and then motion for him to proceed. “My brother is a provider. He has been since he was just a kid and that’s what he knows how to be. He’s been putting money into your account every month since you separated to help support his kids. Just check with your finance guy. Please don’t go running off and tell him what I’ve told you and that you don’t need anything from him. That will probably make him feel more lost than he does right now. He is trying to prove that he is good enough for you. I’ve given you an idea of where he is coming from. Have some patience with him and if you don’t need him to prove anything to you let him prove it to himself.” 

I insist on paying for the meal and when we get up to leave I give him a big hug. “Thank you” I tell him. “You are a good brother… to both of us. Please don’t stay away. I know you have a beef with your Mother and I get that. I’m not asking you to get along with her. But my children need you. They need their family and I do to.” He seems taken back by my emotional statement and I remember that people in his family never talk that way. Oh well, the words are true and he needs to hear them. “Will you let me drive you home?” he asks. “There is something I need to show you.”

“Sure” I agree and text my driver that he is free to go. We get into his rental car and I ask him to tell me about his girlfriend while we ride back to the house. Just before we get to my road he takes a right. He pulls over by the side of the road and parks the car. Although we are literally less than 2 minutes from my house I don’t really recognize most of my surroundings. It isn’t a shitty area but it’s behind the back alley of the really nice homes in the gated neighborhoods. He gestures to an apartment complex across the street. “You see that building right there?” he asks. I nod. I never have reason to drive down here and I wouldn’t have noted the basic apartment complex even if I had. “That’s where Josh lives” he tells me. “He bought my mother a house in the suburbs and that’s where he takes your kids when he has them but he stays here so he can be closer to you in case you need him.” 

My heart clenches. All this time I have been angry and frustrated with him he has been living in a hole in the wall apartment a stone’s throw away because he loves me. I’m crying when Connor pulls up to the house. I thank him again and he opens his arms and I throw myself into them. Poor Connor, he has only known me like a day and I am already sobbing all over him. I cry pretty hard. I cry for Josh and myself. I cry for our kids and for Connor and everyone else in this stupid fucked up situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, there is a lot to comment on in this one. I am going to note some things and then pull out some lines for you. 
> 
> We got a small update on Eive. Interested to hear any thoughts on that. 
> 
> The conversation with Dr. Degregorio also brings up some fascinating points. I would love to hear observations on his breakdown of these two as well. 
> 
> The most obvious thing that readers are going to have thoughts and feelings about is the visit from Connor and all that he shared. All of a sudden Michelle who has been a pretty benign character up to this point is a very controversial one. And you thought Jen's family had problems! 
> 
> Also want to pull out a few lines for you because while we learn some major things from Connor and several of them are obvious there are also some more subtle but equally important things that are said that give us additional insight into the family that Josh was raised in and continues to be a part of and how that may have shaped the way he thinks about himself and the events that have transpired. 
> 
> You were raised by fawning and adoring parents, he was raised by folks with high expectations who remained largely emotionally aloof.
> 
> He has always been more successful than me and so he was her favorite child.
> 
> We stopped receiving Josh’s royalty checks and I wanted to use what was left for college and for the down payment on a home but she just kept up our lifestyle like he was still here.
> 
> He has money coming from those royalties but we don’t know when we will get it.
> 
> He seems taken back by my emotional statement and I remember that people in his family never talk that way.
> 
> I am anxious to hear from all of you, I dropped a lot of stuff on you with this one.


	43. Old Pains, New Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen and Josh rehash old hurts as they stumble through their first joint counseling session and right into an ill considered weekend in New York.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone for all of their great thoughts on the last chapter. You keep me going every week. 
> 
> This chapter is really two in one. I thought about posting them separately but they are highly related so I am going to put it all in one update. 
> 
> In this chapter Jen and Josh start their counseling and it is pretty tough. It brings up a lot of old issues that were not dealt with in the past and also unleashes a wave of emotional turmoil and sexual tension and desire. 
> 
> This whole thing is rated E for a reason and this chapter definitely is. So don't say that I didn't warn you :)

Our first joint session with Dr. Degregorio doesn’t go well. We spend the first 30 minutes making light, stating things that are obviously true, and generally avoiding the discussion of anything meaningful. I see him begin to grow frustrated for the first time. “Did you find it was easier to discuss your relationship when you lived on the island?” he asks. “Yes” we answer at the same time. “What about before that? You were friends for several years, what about then?” We are both silent. “We didn’t discuss it” I say because I can’t stand the silence and what it implies. “At least not in any honest or meaningful way.” 

He hands us each a sheet of paper and a pen. “I’m going to give you five minutes” he instructs. “I want you to think about why it was easier to be forthright and open in your previous living arrangement and jot down what comes to mind.” My pen doesn’t move. I know what the answers are but I don’t want to share anything that might hurt him or make him angry. “Remember” the doctor reminds us “honesty is the only path to intimacy. It might have to hurt if it is going to heal.” I grit my teeth and make myself do it.

“Alright” he says when the allotted time has passed. “Now trade papers.” I offer mine to him hesitantly and accept his in return. I look back at him in surprise. Other than the pronoun our lists are virtually identical. 

I knew she couldn’t leave.

I knew she needed me. 

There were not other distractions or people to think about. 

Dr. Degregorio looks at them as well. “So these are mostly related to fear” he says. “Fear that the other person will end the relationship or that he or she will no longer need you or will replace you with others.” He leans back and addresses his question to both of us. “Do you have solid reasons for these fears?” Josh leans forward and looks at the floor. Well, this is some pretty fucking productive therapy. “Yes” I say. “We both do.” Both men look at me in surprise. 

“Before we went to the island Josh loved another woman and he was in a serious relationship with her” I explain. “We had both worked with him before but he chose her and then when we were on the island it took a long time for me to convince him to move on and be with me.” He is looking at me like I have lost my mind. “Jennifer” he says as if I’m not being reasonable. “That isn’t true at all.” I turn to him and let myself express my anger for the first time in a while. “Really?” I ask haughtily. “What part of it isn’t true?” 

He sputters for a moment and then starts to speak and stops. Victory to Jen! I have actually caused the great Josh Hutcherson to stumble verbally. “It didn’t happen like that, not in the way you are saying. You are making it sound like you both made a play for me and I picked her. We both know that before that plane went down I was never in the running.”

This is it. I need to talk about what I said to Jena, remove the elephant that has been in the room for more than a decade without my knowledge. “Josh” I say. “Look, what I said to Jena was stupid and I didn’t mean it. They were all teasing me and I was embarrassed and I just wanted them to stop. Everyone was expecting you to make a move and ask me out but you never did and I didn’t know how to explain it. I never thought she would tell you and I never wanted to hurt you. I’m sorry.” He looks away as if I have physically struck him. “No” he says. “You were just telling her what you thought and felt. You might not have wanted to hurt me with it but it was all true.” 

I’m more than a little bit horrified. Have I wounded him that badly, that over 13 years later he still thinks ill of himself? It isn’t fair. I was just young and immature and my actions, although ill-considered weren’t vindictive. “You treated me no better” I accuse. “How about the time you told the whole world that I was like your annoying sister? How do you think I felt after that? Or the time you said kissing me was gross?” He clenches his fists. “That was the strategy that we had agreed on” he insists. “You were worried about your relationship with Nick and your precious image. Couldn’t have anyone thinking that you actually liked little Joshy could you?” 

His accusations are painful enough that I bring a hand to my chest. I’m not used to seeing him this angry, this resentful. “You don’t understand at all” I start to cry. “I was just young and scared. I was trying to make everyone happy. I just wanted people to like me. And I wasn’t the only one with concerns. You were constantly thinking of how it would impact Claudia, about what she would think or feel about this and that when it came to us. You were so wonderful but you didn’t…you never…” I can’t finish. My breathing is coming too fast. 

Josh looks concerned. He moves towards me but I scoot in the other direction. “You see” he says to the doctor. “This isn’t a good idea. It’s just hurting her and making her upset.” He nods calmly. “Yes” he agrees. “She is definitely upset but so are you and I can assure you that both of you are more than capable of handling it.” He reaches behind him and hands me a box of tissues. “You have both mentioned before how your beach listening exercise helped you because it kept you from interrupting each other. I want to start giving you something to work on each week in writing and then we can talk about it. That will help keep you both from holding back based on the other’s reaction.” He pulls out two sheets of paper and writes on each in turn before handing them over. “I want you to work on this for next time and finish each statement” he says. I look at it. 

I hurt you when I…

You hurt me when you…

Jesus, I don’t want to do this. 

When I get home I throw some things around my room a while. I find a small framed picture of us. We are wearing our wet suits from Catching Fire. Our arms are linked and he has a goofy expression on his face and I am laughing. I think about the horrible things we said to each other today, remember all that Connor shared. I look at the shelf on the wall across from my bed. Two little wooden horses sit, staring accusingly at me. Fuck, why did I let myself get so defensive? Why can’t we just let the past go and love each other right now? Dr. Degregorio is right. We have a shit ton of baggage from the complicated way in which our relationship unfolded and it isn’t going to be fun unpacking it. 

I try to avoid him over the next few days and spend most of my time on my laptop. I don’t want to fight but my angst gives me a lot of inspiration for creative self-expression. When we do speak the conversation is stilted and full of barely concealed animosity and something else that I can’t exactly identify. I just know that when he stares me down there is an intensity in his expression that both scares and excites me. We have some heated exchanges over trivial things but after he goes I retreat to my room and apply my vibrator and fondle my breasts until I gasp his name and feel somewhat sane again. 

“We are going to need to push back our session another week” he tells me. “I have a meeting in New York and I’ll have to spend the night, maybe two depending on how late things go.” He is bating me. I know the group he is meeting up with and although it is a legit discussion about a role, they party pretty hard. We notice that it has been quiet in the other room way too long and he gets up to check on the kids but leaves his phone at the table. I grab it and flip through his recent texts. Nothing out of the ordinary. The top one is in regards to the meet up he just mentioned and I note the name of the club. 

I read to Evie that night and tuck her in and I try to forget the whole thing. It’s not that I don’t trust him I just…don’t want him where he is going. Not with how tenuous things are between us. I agonize over it for the next 48 hours before making a decision. Fuck it, if he can follow me then turnabout is fair play. I get online and make a hotel reservation and book a flight. My mother sighs and shakes her head but agrees to keep the kids anyway. 

On Friday night I am sitting in swanky hotel suite in the sexiest little black dress I can squeeze myself into and unfortunately am doing my own hair and makeup. It doesn’t look bad but it is not my best. I should have hired someone but I don’t want anyone asking me stupid questions. I am fully aware of how pathetic I am, stalking my own husband all the way to another city and I sure as hell don’t need an audience to witness my pitiful excuse for a life. 

His meeting is at 10pm so I don’t show up until midnight. I know what they will be doing for the first part of the evening, talking business in one of the private rooms. I am two drinks in and doing my best not to draw attention to myself when they emerge and he goes to the bar and orders a drink. He sits and visits with a group of people for a while, some of which I recognize and some that I don’t. He seems to be enjoying himself but he isn’t talking to any one person in particular. This is an exclusive place, he doesn’t need to be careful here and yet he seems to be having a mere friendly chat with co-workers. I breathe a sigh of relief. Apparently, I came all the way out here for nothing and I am pleased. 

I can’t get up and walk out without him noticing so I wait and after a while he moves to the dance floor with several others. Josh loves to dance and he is really good at it so this doesn’t surprise me but I can’t keep my jealousy in check when a couple of women start rubbing their asses against him. With my chin set in determination I stand up and join a group of young guys on the dance floor. I don’t think they recognize me but I look pretty hot tonight and could likely pass for drunk and horny as well and they are more than happy to include me in their little party. 

I know the moment he sees me. His eyes widen and then darken as he watches a man put his hand on my midriff and pull me back against his crotch. Up until this point his proximity to the others in his group has been reasonable given that this is a fucking club in the middle of a Friday night. He hasn’t been dancing with one girl more than the others but now he grabs one and grinds his junk against her. Our eyes stay locked on one another as I allow the drunk douche bag behind me to run his hands down my sides and along the sides of my breasts. His partner turns around and he cups her ass while she practically dry humps him. Something in my chest tightens but I refuse to react. Instead, I let my head fall back on the shoulder of the man whose erection is pressed against my back and I close my eyes like I am enjoying it. He is tall and just as his mouth comes down to nuzzle my neck I feel myself being pulled away. 

I am still on the dance floor and hands are traveling and caressing my curves but this time it is my husband who holds me. I grind my ass on his cock and am rewarded with a groan barely audible in the thundering din. His hands abandon all socially acceptable flirtation and cup my tits and slip between my legs to tease my upper thighs. My clit is pulsing in time with the thump of the base and all I want to do is get somewhere private so that he can fuck me. Or maybe I’ll fuck him, ride him until we are both exhausted. I definitely want to sit on his face. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” he says in my ear. “Just ensuring that you aren’t wrecking our unhappy little home” I tell him. He sees right through the snide comment. He cups my cheek and forces me to look at him. “Did you really come all the way out here to make sure I wasn’t kissing any other girls?” He appears astonished at the revelation. I turn my head away but don’t deny it. I feel tears coming on. Does he have to humiliate me for my insecurities?

He backs me into a darker corner and I prepare for a fight. Instead, he pulls my face down for a deep and soul searching kiss. My mouth opens and invites his tongue in to play. Our hands are roaming and I hate the stupid suit he is wearing. He looks handsome in them but they are so restrictive and I had him bare and shirtless for so long. I want to feel the muscular planes of his chest and brush my nipples against the sprinkling of hair that covers it. 

I’m not sure whose idea it is but soon we are stumbling out the back entrance and I pull out my phone to text my driver while he rains kisses down my neck and shoulders. We barely break apart to climb in and I hope the driver closes the security screen because neither of us even bother to check. I am glad I came in a limo because it gives me plenty of room to fall to my knees and start sucking him. He tastes a little sweaty which makes me think of home. How I loved to do this after watching him dive or after we had both put in a hard day’s work in the garden. 

It feels fantastic to have him between my lips, warm and substantial and filling my throat with his thrusts and my ears with his deep groans of pleasure. I pull back a little and suck just his head while my hand works along the shaft. His find my hair and tug just enough to make me moan on him. I move downward and take as much of him as I can while still running my tongue on the underside. “God dammit” he curses as I apply more suction and fondle his ball sac. “Jen…Jen” he stutters. “I’m going to cum…you better pull back if you don’t want it.” I suck even harder and let out a hum of encouragement to show him just how much I want it. I feel him burst and shoot hot spurts of cum into my mouth once, twice, three times. I stay attached until I have swallowed it all and then suck the rest of him clean. 

His eyes look as predatory as a panther as I look up at him and the driver knocks on the door to indicate that we have arrived. He pulls his pants up and we hurry into the private entrance walking swiftly down the hallway. The elevator ride feels like it takes forever as my core seeps with excitement and my breasts ache for his continued attention. The second we are in the door his mouth is on mine again. Our kisses are hungrier than they are loving. 

We don’t speak as he brings me to climax, first with his mouth and then with his hands. I reveal the stash of toys that I brought which I had thought would be just for my own use and he exhausts me with them. When he finally hovers over my naked body, I have to bite my lip not to beg for it. He looks pretty fucking hard though and I am betting that he will take me without my pleas. He proves me right when he flips me on my stomach and climbs on top of me from behind. His forceful entry would be painful if I wasn’t so ready. I keep my legs clenched together so that my vag is as tight as possible as his thrusts hit the sensitive spot within. I try not to cry out which just results in a slight squeaking noise or whimper each time he finds the right angle. It drives him on and when he breaks the silence by shouting my name I cum for him. My body clenches and milks his own orgasm from him. 

I don’t know what demons our separation and therapy have released in us but we don’t even leave the hotel room on Saturday. It is the craziest 24 hours of my life. Our pace is brutal and more punishing than passionate. We take each other in every way we can think of except for tender and caring. By the time the sun goes down we have certainly confirmed that we can have great sex but I don’t feel any emotionally closer to him. Despite enormous physical pleasure we are not smiling. 

I try not to think of the consequences as I fall asleep. This may be the last time we ever do this if we can’t figure our shit out and I could get pregnant. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know any of the answers. I just know that I don’t want to let him go. Those thoughts are swirling in my mind as I drift off that night and dream of home. I am walking along the beach with Evie and he is wading in the shallows. I look away for a few minutes to play with her and he is nearly out of site. I call for him but he just keeps swimming the other way. I yell for him to come back. He will die out there on his own. The current will catch him and drag him under or he will simply be too exhausted to make it back to us without drowning. Panicked and losing hope I scream and scream his name, urging him to turn back. 

Warm and familiar arms lift me from my terror and hold me close. I cling to him and bury my face in the crook of his neck. I smell and taste loyalty and safety. “You’re ok love” he tells me. “I have you and nothing’s going to hurt us. I’m here.” My mind is oriented again but I feign confusion so that he will call me his love again. This is knee jerk for us, purely instinctual and neither of us could stop it any more than a fish could quit swimming. I’m struggling, so he is comforting. I can’t decide if our mutual drive to protect each other is the cornerstone of our relationship or one of its greatest stumbling blocks. 

After a time, I quiet and my breathing returns to normal but his hands don’t stop giving me the soothing caresses our earlier more carnal interactions lacked. I hear his stomach let out a loud growl and I giggle because I am still immature about stupid little things like that. “I’m hungry too” I whisper. He flips on the light and I get up to pee while he makes a call down to room service. 

While we are waiting for the food to be delivered I flip around the television stations before ordering The Hunger Games from the On Demand menu. When he notices the selection he raises his eye brows. “Come on” I argue. “I haven’t seen it in ages and I bet you haven’t either.” He sighs. “Yes Jennifer and for good reasons” he tells me. 

We spend most of the time talking over it about little things that happened behind the scenes and laughing at some of the cast and crew we worked with. The mood only grows lighter when the food arrives and I discover that all he ordered was a tray of cinnamon rolls and two giant ice cream sundaes. For the first time in a while, probably our trip to Atlanta, I let myself relax and just enjoy some time with him and by the end of the movie I actually feel pretty happy. 

“When will you come home?” I suddenly ask out of the middle of nowhere. It ruins our carefree mood. “We agreed that the joint sessions are the next logical step” he says. I scowl at him. “Well let’s make sure we follow the logical way” I say in a mocking tone. “Lord knows this whole weekend has been all kinds of rational.” His jaw clenches and he looks away. “I’m sorry” I tell him. “It’s just hard hearing that you don’t want to be with me after” I wave my hand indicating the hotel suite “you know…what we did last night and today. I’m starting to feel like I’m just a booty call.” 

We spend some time in more fruitless discussion but don’t resolve anything. When he falls back asleep I sit and watch him for a long time. I love him but I’m frightened. I’ve given him too much power over my happiness and that is dangerous. If he just couldn’t commit to me I would walk away. It would hurt like hell, but I would do it. But I know too much to believe that. We can figure this out. We need to, we have to. I’m not going to figure it out by fucking him though. Some part of me thought if we just started making love again everything would be fine. That isn’t going to heal us, at least not on its own and until things are better I can’t leave myself this open and vulnerable. 

In the early morning hours before the sun even begins to rise I slip out and catch my flight home. I don’t say goodbye. I don’t leave a note. I just run from the man who I love because I don’t know what else to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading all of my updates. This chapter is really a two in one. I would love your thoughts and feedback on the first counseling session. It wasn't very productive in some ways (they didn't resolve anything but they got some things out in the open) but that is to be expected. There is a reason they have avoided talking through some of these for so long. They are really difficult issues. They need to sift through and deal with all of the mental and emotional baggage from their early relationship (which is mostly what they focus on this this first session). But getting those thoughts and emotions out there is revealing and maybe if they can hear each other out and deal with it they will be in a position to move on. 
> 
> The explosion of sexual energy and activity is an outgrowth of all of the angst and emotion they are stirring up in each other. It was pretty hot but it wasn't a good idea and Jen knows that by the end. I think this lesson was pretty inevitable. These two are young and healthy and crazy for each other. They were not going to keep their distance. However, they need to improve the emotional health of their relationship or this is only going to   
> confuse and scare them more. Sex leaves you really vulnerable and they are both vulnerable enough as it is.
> 
> I would love your feedback on the second part as well. Jen following Josh to the club and the weekend in the hotel. There was more than just sex there and that counts for something even though they are still in a rough place. At least they have broken the status quo rut they were in. This will push it forward one way or the other. 
> 
> I know you are interested in what they will write for the exercise the doctor gave them. We will find out in the next chapter.


	44. It Matters To Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen and Josh have a counseling session with Dr. Degregorio following their intense but turbulent weekend in New York

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many of you have been begging to hear more from Josh and to see more communication between these two for a while so here is your chance. Following the crazy weekend at the hotel in New York Jen and Josh come face to face in a counseling session in which they have to acknowledge what they have done to hurt each other. 
> 
> This is actually a really useful exercise if you are in a stable and committed relationship with someone for a long time. It can be super difficult to be honest about though and it is also hard to hear criticism from the person that you love and to acknowledge that you have caused them pain. It is very hard not to get defensive but if you go through with it you can learn a lot, especially if you act on the genuine feedback you get and make a change. 
> 
> There is some great stuff in here about what was going on in Josh's head when they were still on the island. So think back to their first year there when he is talking about why he was hesitant about jumping in the sack with her and he finally gives us some insight into that time in his life and what he was thinking. It is important to note because it is still relevant to some of the problems they are having now.

I return home to a couple of sick kids. It’s nothing serious, just runny noses and a cough but Tanner, who usually sleeps through every night without a problem is up two or three times and his crying wakes his sister who then wants to stay up to play on her tablet. Josh doesn’t come to visit and texts to see if I can have the kids ready so that he can take them out. Rage begins to build behind my already pissy mood. I get it. I chased him and pushed him too hard and then when I didn’t get the response I wanted I bailed without a word. He has every right to be angry and to avoid me. But him asking to get the kids without interacting with me makes me afraid. I leave him a nasty voicemail saying that if he wants to see them then he needs to do it here at our home. I don’t want him to be able to get his time in without seeing me. I can’t be cut out that way. He might never hang out here again. He stops texting and doesn’t come over. Evie sits in the window every day after her schooling and watches for him. I try to cheer her up with cupcakes and silly games but her little face remains sad. 

I am fuming by the time I walk into Dr. Degregorio’s office for our next session a few days later. If he was worried about me holding back, those fears are unfounded. My fury is evident in my posture as I slam myself down in my seat and slap my paper on the little coffee table in front of us. “Let’s get started” I tell them. Dr. Degregorio sits back and looks at each of us in turn, clearly recognizing the tension. “I have a feeling you two did more than doodle about those pent up feelings since I last saw you” he observes. 

I look at Josh who gives a slight shake of his head and then turns away. Fine, I have no problem airing our dirty laundry all on my own, thank you very much. “Yes” I tell him. “We were idiots and fought and bickered for a few days, probably in front of our kids, and then we chose to spend the better part of a whole weekend fucking until Josh decided that he still doesn’t want to be my husband” I explain. He doesn’t look surprised. “So” he says slowly. “You found out that restoring your physical relationship won’t fix your emotional one. I supposed that lesson was inevitable. I won’t advise you against having marital relations because they are a natural part of any healthy marriage and you wouldn’t listen to me anyway but I don’t think having them in excess while your relationship is still so strained will help you straighten things out.” 

We both laugh at him. “What?” he asks in amused confusion. “You just called sex having marital relations” Josh says still chuckling. “What is this 1952?” My laughter helps take the edge off of my agitation and I pick my paper back up so he doesn’t read any of the really mean things that I wrote in my moments of wrath. “Let’s get to the exercise that I gave you” the doctor suggests. “Stirring things up between you might have given you both some of the emotions you needed to be honest with yourselves about how you are feeling.” 

Josh is obviously reluctant and I am clearly itching to get started so Dr. Degregorio suggests that I go first. He reminds us that he wants us to be honest and share the truth even if it is painful and to listen to each other and not try to talk until it our turn to respond. I pull out my list and to my chagrin am told that I have to start with the things I have done to hurt him. I look it over. 

I hurt you when I told Jena that I would not date you because I had better options and implied I was too good for you. 

I hurt you when I dated other guys and talked to you about them all the time but didn’t really open the door and give you a chance. 

I hurt you when I left the hotel room without saying goodbye last week and then wouldn’t let you take the kids.

I read through the list with pain and regret. I never wanted to harm this sweet boy that I love so much. 

Dr. Degregorio nods and turns to Josh. “Are those accurate and did you also have others?” he asks him. He nods and the pain in my heart twists just a bit. He shows us his list. 

You hurt me when you told everyone that I would never be good enough for you. 

You hurt me when you dated Liam but didn’t consider me but still came to my bed anyway. 

You hurt me when you disappeared after our weekend together. I am still confused and hurt by it. And it is nearly killing me not to see the kids. They are my whole life. 

You hurt me when you pick your family over me and let them treat me bad. 

You hurt me when you act like you care about everyone and have emotions and I don’t. When you think that I don’t love as much as you do. I do I just don’t show it in the same way.

I am devastated by his list. By how he thinks that I see him. I want to start refuting each one in turn. Dr. Degregorio must recognize my defensive posture because he raises a hand to stop me. “Jennifer” he warns. “These are your husband’s thoughts and feelings. Even if you didn’t intend them or don’t agree with them they are still real and painful to him. Please remember that before you speak and dismiss any of them.”

He is right. Isn’t this what I have always wanted from him? For him to admit his vulnerabilities and be real with me? I nod my head and count to 10 before I speak. “Can we talk about these one by one?” I address the question to Josh. He nods slightly, still not looking at me. “I am so sorry that you think that I have ever believed that I was too good for you. Despite the stupid things I said to Jena I have never thought that, not even for a minute. I didn’t think it then and I don’t think it now and neither does anyone else.” He snorts and shakes his head dismissively. I may not be able to convince him but I plow on anyway. 

“I went on a few dates with Liam and I shouldn’t have” I confirm. “I didn’t love him like that and I led him on. I was just scared and hurt. Nick dumped me and you started dating Claudia and he was there and he was nice to me and he asked. It felt like a safe thing. I know I hurt you by not acting interested in you in that way but that was a mutual display. We always went out of our way to tell everyone we didn’t love each other like that because we were afraid of dating and breaking up. There has been pain and miscommunication on both sides and I apologize for my half of it. I think neither of us ever asked because neither of us wanted to hear no or goodbye down the road.”

“I’m sorry for the way my family has treated you but I can’t help it. I have stood up for you and they know where I stand but I can’t cut them off completely, they are still my family.” He looks anxious to refute that one. “You haven’t stood up for me” he insists. “Not one time have you.” Instead of returning his anger I see the uncertainty in his eyes and turn and take his hand. “Yes I did” I tell him. “That night when my parents asked to speak to me alone. My Dad and brother accused you of some pretty horrible things.” He lets out a frustrated breath. “Yeah” he says. “I can guess what they thought and I guess they’re not all wrong.” I turn his face and make him look at me. “They are completely wrong” I say forcefully. “And I have told them that and I kicked them out of our house. They aren’t allowed to come back unless they treat you with respect. That’s why it’s just my Mom that comes around and why she is always nice to you. I think you have pretty much won her over now.” I can tell by his expression that this is all new to him. 

“I need to tell you something else too and I need you to listen” I command. “I don’t love or care for others more than you. No one takes care of people the way that you do and you do it because you are the most loving person I have ever known. I know the idiotic things I have done and said that led you to believe that I don’t see you that way and I wish I could take them all back. I didn’t say or do them because I thought I loved or cared more. I said them because you are always so put together and reasonable, and good and it makes me feel crazy, ridiculous and inferior. Every time we face a new danger you do the right thing and you save us. I love you for that but it’s hard to be on the same level as Superman.” By the time that I finish he is looking at me like I have lost my mind. 

“I shouldn’t have run out on you last weekend and I should not have kept you from seeing the kids” I continue. “It was a shitty thing to do but I felt so used and rejected. I guess we can get to that when we get to my list.” Dr. Degregorio agrees and suggests that it is a good time to move over to my pain points. He asks Josh to go first and share what he has written. Again, I am shocked by what is going on in his mind. 

I hurt you by signing those clauses in my contracts without you knowing. 

I hurt you when I dated Claudia.

I hurt you when I got you pregnant with no family around and no medical care.

I hurt you when I couldn’t understand your feelings and help more when Zachary died. 

I hurt you by not being there for you and helping enough since we have been back. 

Dr. Degregorio turns to me with a knowing expression. “Jennifer?” he asks. “Are those accurate and do you have others on your list as well?” I am shaking my head with increasing speed. “No” I get out. “Those aren’t what is on my list.” My hand is shaking slightly as I read each one of them in turn. 

You hurt me when I found out you received money to spend time with me.

You hurt me when you wouldn’t make love to me on the island.

You hurt me when you left and refused to come home and be my husband. 

You hurt me when you think that I care about our height difference.

You hurt me with you asked to see the kids without seeing me. I need you and I don’t want to be left out of our family. 

You hurt me when you don’t trust me to love and take care of you. 

Our lists are so different I don’t even know where to begin but Dr. Degregorio asks me to. “Josh” I say holding my head in my hands. “It did hurt me to see you with Claudia but you did the right thing. You deserved to have someone love and support you like a woman does a man she is devoted to. I wasn’t ready to do that. Not for you or anyone else. There is a reason my other relationships were failures. I was self-absorbed and insecure and only thinking about moving things forward in my career. You found someone to be with and if that hurt me then I deserved it.” 

“Getting me pregnant didn’t hurt me. It was one of the most wonderful things you ever did for or with me. I’ve done plenty of stupid things that I regret in my life but the years we spent making love and the amazing little people we made together aren’t in that category. I would go through all of it again to have our family.”

His eyes are locked on mine now, bright, hopeful, and yearning. “When we lost Zachary it nearly crushed us both. You saved my life. You fought for me. You were a tower of strength and understanding through the whole thing and I’ll never forget it. You didn’t hurt me, you helped me to heal.”

Dr. Degregorio turns the conversation back to him to get his input on the things that I have included. “I was just trying to protect you on the island” he tells me. “Do you honestly think I didn’t want you? Here was my best friend offering me every fantasy I had ever had. I was losing my mind wanting to take you as mine day and night. I didn’t want to take advantage of you though. I didn’t want to trap you into a relationship you would feel stuck with. I loved you more than that. I was also terrified of failing you, of getting you pregnant and killing you. It was my worst nightmare, to destroy the most precious thing in the world by giving in to my own selfish desires to have you.”

“I do want to be your husband” he continues. “And I do trust you and I’m sorry about our height difference.” I know I’m not supposed to, but I can’t stand it so I cut him off. “That’s just the thing Josh, I’m not. I like us just the way we are. I wouldn’t change a thing. It breaks my heart that you want us to be different. That you think I am so shallow that I would leave the man I’m in love with and the father of my children just to go fuck another guy because he is a few inches taller. I can’t believe after everything we have been through you think that is the kind of person that I am. Then I wonder if I really am because you know me better than anyone and that is the conclusion you have come to.” I’m crying now and he is bent forward with his head in his lap. 

“I don’t Jen” he says miserably. “I don’t. I just want to be perfect for you.” I shock the living shit out of both of them by letting out a loud scream of frustration. “Josh Hutcherson” I lecture. “If you would knock it off for like 5 minutes you would realize that I am in love with you. I love you, not some alternate universe version of you in which you are someone’s idea of the ideal and perfect man. I love you and when you refuse to accept my love it destroys us and it hurts our children. Evie has been looking for you all week. You haven’t come to see us. I know that it’s my fault too. Maybe even more my fault but we can’t do this to her and Tanner. They can’t be collateral damage. If you don’t want to see me I agree to have them ready for you and you can take them out. I won’t do that to you again. But I have to be honest, you wanting to get them and not be with me on purpose is painful and it really scares me. It makes me feel divorced and like things are over between us.”

He looks like he is going to cry. He won’t though. Not here in front of the doctor. He knows never to show weakness in a professional setting. “I’m sorry” is all he says for a long while. He stares at the table like it is a replica of his desolate life. “I let the kids down and I hurt you all.” He takes those moments to feel sorry for himself but like the man I know and love, his hands turn into fists and he lifts his face to look at me with resolve. “But I’m not going to do it again” he assures me. He sits up and takes my hand. I move closer and he rests our joined fingers on his leg. “You and the kids are the most important thing in my life and I’m not going to screw it up because of my dumb ass fears anymore. I love you and I promise to start being a better husband.” 

Dr. Degregorio seems pleased with what we have accomplished today. “It is good to get things out on the table so you know some of the problems you have to work on and to set up some boundaries in regards to your children” he says. “Bringing them out in the open doesn’t resolve them, but it gives you a chance to. The two of you have been married a long time and it seems as though you have stopped viewing yourselves in that way because of your separation. I assure you that in the eyes of the law and after counseling both of you in your hearts as well you are still husband and wife. Before your next session please try to spend some time together and with your children doing regular things. Tackling these big issues is hard work and very emotionally draining. You will need to recharge your batteries. Try to enjoy being together again without worrying about them all the time. We will continue to discuss them each week. If they come up in natural conversation that is an ideal time to address them, but if not there is no need to bring them up constantly.” 

He turns to address me. “Do not keep Josh from seeing the children” he says firmly. “If you try to control his access to them I promise you will end up in divorce court. I know that he loves you but no matter what he thinks right now he will resent you for it and eventually will do what he has to in order to be with them.” Josh grips my hand tighter and rubs his thumb over it gently. He knows that kind of talk upsets me. “And I will stop being a coward and will still come to see them no matter what is going on between the two of us” he says. “I didn’t realize why you were upset about it. I hate it when we don’t feel like a family too and I don’t want to hurt you that way.” 

His words surprise me and when I lift my chin to look at him he cups my cheek. It is a very intimate gesture and I drink it in. Alone in our Joshifer universe we just act like the doctor isn’t here. “So, if you can stop looking at me like I'm wounded, then I can quit acting like it, and then maybe we have a shot at being friends” he says with a mischievous smile. God, he has such a good memory. I can’t remember my lines for like 5 minutes to do a scene and he’s still spitting his out a dozen years after the fact. I can’t help it. I start laughing and then he does too. Dr. Degregorio doesn’t have a clue what just happened but he is grinning and shaking his head as we leave his office hand in hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that is the most communication they have had in a long time and I would love some feedback on any and every part of he session. I will pull out some significant lines for you just to make sure you didn't miss them. I left them in a better place than were we find them at the start of the chapter. Just look at how they enter and then how they exit the room so give me some love.
> 
> Jen says: I hurt you when I told Jena that I would not date you because I had better options and implied I was too good for you. 
> 
> Josh says: You hurt me when you told everyone that I would never be good enough for you.
> 
> (They are not two separate events but it is amazing how different they sound and feel coming from each person)
> 
> You hurt me when you act like you care about everyone and have emotions and I don’t. When you think that I don’t love as much as you do. I do I just don’t show it in the same way.
> 
> My Dad and brother accused you of some pretty horrible things.” He lets out a frustrated breath. “Yeah” he says. “I can guess what they thought and I guess they’re not all wrong.”
> 
> I said them because you are always so put together and reasonable, and good and it makes me feel crazy, ridiculous and inferior. 
> 
> You hurt me when you don’t trust me to love and take care of you. 
> 
> I didn’t want to take advantage of you though. I didn’t want to trap you into a relationship you would feel stuck with.
> 
> It was my worst nightmare, to destroy the most precious thing in the world by giving in to my own selfish desires to have you.”
> 
> I can’t believe after everything we have been through you think that is the kind of person that I am. Then I wonder if I really am because you know me better than anyone and that is the conclusion you have come to.
> 
> I love you and when you refuse to accept my love it destroys us and it hurts our children.


	45. Growing Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer and Josh do their best to take Dr. Degregorio's advice and start spending more time together doing "normal' things again and Jen asks for Josh's help on a couple of projects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to all of you who leave me comments. This story would not have been written without you. I know I would not have been able to muster the discipline and motivation to finish it and definitely not at this pace. 
> 
> This chapter is a little lighter than some of the recent ones and I know that will suit some of you just fine. We get a chance to see them doing some "normal" things and working on some projects together. 
> 
> A couple of you asked me a while ago how he feels about her writing some of the stories that they started together and taking credit for it. This chapter answers that question. We also get to see them put some of their island skills to good use. 
> 
> If you are offended by explicit sexual content I would think you would have already given up on this story but if you are still reading I am about to seriously offend you again.

Following Dr. Degregorio’s direction is difficult at first. It is hard to take the kids swimming or watch a movie together without wondering if we are ultimately going to work this out and without pushing him for a final answer. It is good for Evie and Tanner though. They need the normalcy of having us both sit down to dinner or Evie beating us at Monopoly. We try it for a couple of weeks and things start to feel routine again. They don’t feel good, but they start to feel ok. Our sessions become more productive when Josh starts talking more and Dr. Degregorio gives us a lot of helpful and insightful assignments. 

He stays and cuddles with me some nights but we don’t let our hands wander too much and our kisses are mostly chaste, like the ones that we shared while we were still just friends. I know that we are both thinking about that weekend in New York. My body is begging for a repeat but my heart is more than a little bit gun-shy. I just want to be with him. Damn all of our fuck uppery.

I have deals signed for a couple of my scripts with small independent film makers and I am looking forward to the day when I can see them come to life on the screen. I have pitched the outline of the story Josh told me that night in the shelter when he confessed his fears and guilt after we lost Zachary and there is definitely interest. I can’t write it though, not by myself. It wouldn’t be right and I am not sure it is something he ever meant to be shared. I am sitting in my office with my head on my laptop agonizing over it when he knocks at the door. 

“Hey Jen” he says. “I made some sandwiches if you’re hungry.” I offer him a tired smile. “Thanks, can you bring a couple in here so we can talk?” I ask. “Sure” he agrees uncertainly. He returns a short time later with a plate full and Tanner propped on his hip. “The kids already ate” he tells me, setting our baby down and giving him a pack of fruit snacks. 

“I pitched your story” I tell him a few bites into the meal. “The one about the man whose family gets caught in the Nazi occupation.” He nods as if he isn’t surprised. “Is there any interest?” he asks. “Yeah” I inform him “Quite a bit.” He puts a hand on my shoulder. “Then you should write it” he says without hesitation. “No” I disagree “We should write it.” He shakes his head, God I wish he would quit doing that. “No, you are the stronger writer. The final product will be better if it comes from you.” My name won’t hurt it either but he leaves that unsaid. 

He gets up and turns to leave but I grab his wrist. “It was your idea” I argue. “You already gave me most of the outline. And it was from your heart, had your emotions in it. I don’t relate enough to make it my own. If you won’t co-write with me, I’m at least going to need you to consult on it. Let me bounce ideas off of you, proofread and make suggestions along the way?” He gives me the warmest smile I have seen in a while. “Ok” he agrees. “As long as it is informal I will help however I can.” 

We spend hours locked up in the house vetting ideas, writing and re-writing, arguing over details and ironing out rough patches. We also eat a shitload of candy and pizza and after a couple months I have gained a few pounds but Lionsgate has a solid screenplay in their hands. I also feel like we have built a few bridges along the way. We have always had a lot of respect for each other as artists and professionals. It was the foundation of our original friendship and it is good to get back to a solid and mutual understanding. 

I want to continue to build on our positive momentum and at the suggestion of Dr. Degregorio decide we should plant a garden. “You want to grow our own vegetables?” he questions. “Of course” I say. “I called a landscaping company and they are coming on Wednesday to till up part of the yard. It’s a great project for us to work on with the kids and we are actually really good at it.” One thing about Joshifer is that energy and enthusiasm tends to be contagious between us and soon we are hovering around the laptop trying to figure out which seeds to buy. 

Evie is in heaven when we finally break ground. She skips around excitedly as we dig small holes for her grimy little hands to drop seeds in. Tanner keeps eating handfuls of dirt until Josh confines him to the ergo on his back. Evie has been learning about how plants grow from her tutor and lectures us for the better part of an hour about what they need and how to care for them. “Is this how we are going to get our food again?” she asks. “Like we did at our old house?” I nod. “Some of it” I agree. “We are going to get lots of food from these seeds” she says seriously. “So much that I think Daddy is going to need to live with us again to eat it all.” Our eyes meet but we both let the comment pass.

It’s grown hot and Josh peels his shirt off and throws it on the lawn. I do my best not to gawk at him. His skin has lightened up some but his chest and abs still look delicious. We chat about a little bit of everything as we work and I notice my mother in the window watching us with a smile. By mid-afternoon we have quite a crop planted and I am worried about Tanner burning. We should go in but we are all reluctant to break the spell. It all feels so natural and so right. Despite all of our talk, we haven’t acted much like friends since we have been back and I am finally starting to feel like I can call him my bestie again. 

I can’t stop thinking of him as more though. He is a very handsome man and I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of his loving. Dr. Degregorio was right, we can’t fix our relationship with sex but that doesn’t stop me from wanting it. He is in the same boat. I see the tent in the front of his pants when we work together sometimes and I know he is touching himself just as much as I am. It enters my mind that he may have finally broken down and looked up those old pictures of me online and for once the thought of those images doesn’t make me frown. 

I lay in bed and imagine him in the shower with his cock in hand, stroking it and moaning my name. He hated it that I took those pictures for another man, it always made him crazy jealous. That is when it occurs to me. I get a feline smile on my face as I reach for our shared phone. I am smarter than I used to be and have definitely learned my lesson. Nothing of mine will ever be saved on the cloud again. We had some conversations when we first separated and decided not to text each other too many photos of the kids, although sometimes I just can’t resist. There are some more secure ways to do it but nothing is ever completely safe once sent so I bought a small digital camera that I just use to take pictures and videos of them for him. He really appreciates it, especially when he has been away filming. Tonight, however, I have different plans for the fam cam. 

I get some blankets and prop it up and change into nothing but a tight pink camisole and matching panties. It’s not exactly a sexy negligee but he will love it. I lay on my side and put on a sultry smile before pushing record. “Hey baby” I purr. “It’s been a while and I really miss you and decided to make you a short film because I know how much you love them. Think of it as a little update on the things I have been up to in our bed since you’ve been away and a trailer to preview what I would like to film together for our next joint project.” 

I lay back so that my whole body is in view and will myself to relax before I continue the one sided conversation. “Usually I start by squeezing these” I tell him while cupping my breasts and then using my finger tips to pluck at my nipples. They harden into points and I close my eyes at how good it feels. “Sometimes they really ache when I watch you working with your hands and think about how good they feel when you hold them. Fuck, I’m horny right now and I would lick them myself if I could reach but I guess they are going to have to wait for the next time they get to see you.”

I had a whole little routine worked out in my mind but the feel of my hands and the presence of the camera and the man it represents have my hormones raging and my fingers can’t find my vagina fast enough. I move them down to rub over my panties and my breathing starts coming faster. So much the better, he will know if I am faking anything. He knows the signs of my excitement and my orgasms too well to accept a cheap substitute.

I glance down at the lens again as I pull the top of my cami down so that he can see my tits and remove my panties completely. I run two digits between my folds and dip them just inside and then present them so he can see the evidence of my arousal. “See how wet I am? What thoughts of you do to me?” I move my index finger to my swollen clit and touch it very lightly. The responding zip of pleasure is intense. I am going to cum really hard tonight. I smile because it won’t just be for my enjoyment. I start to circle the sensitive nerves with my middle finger and work my left breast as well. 

“I usually think about your tongue to start with” I tell him. “I imagine it licking up and down my slit and then working circles on me just like I’m doing now. I think about what you look like without your shirt and that perfect v-line that trails down to your shorts. Ohhhhhh.” I moan starting to work myself harder. It isn’t going to take long and I want to be more than a little bit dirty for him so I move to my side and work a finger in and out of my pussy a few times to get it nice and wet before I look right at the camera so I can talk to him more directly again. 

“I can’t wait for you to do this to me again” I tell him before taking it and teasing my own anus. I slip the finger just inside and wriggle it around while I moan his name. “I love the way your fingers feel inside me” I admit. “I crave the feeling of you filling every hole in my body. Your head just inside of this one feels so fucking perfect. I need you to take me like this again” I gasp. 

I’m really close so I flip on my back again and begin to stroke my clit with more pressure. “Josh” I nearly squeal with excitement. “I’m so close baby and it feels so good. So I’m going to think about what you look like when you jerk yourself off. How good your cock looks in your hand and how your face looks painful when you’re close and the motion of your hand speeds up. Your head gets so big and red and then all of that delicious cum spirts out of you. God, I want it inside of me!” 

“I watched you” I pant. “I watched you when we were on the island and you used to do it by that palm tree. You thought I couldn’t see you but I could and staring at you, knowing that you didn’t know I was looking. It excited me so much. I wish I could watch you now as sick as that sounds. I wish I had a little window that I could see you when you don’t know it and you’re pulling on it and thinking of me. I want to see it so bad. Oh Josh, I’m… Ohhhhh” I moan and say his name again and again as I rub two peaks of pleasure from my flesh. 

When he comes over the next day I manage to keep a straight face when I tell him that I took some more videos of the kids for him and hand him the camera. He thanks me and I can tell that he has no idea that something is up. I can’t keep the grin off of my face as I tuck Evie and Tanner into bed and then get myself off again in the shower. I can’t believe I didn’t think of this before. I know it isn’t classy, but it will make him feel special and I want him to. I want him to long for me as much as I am missing him. 

I’ve just settled into bed when I hear my phone let out the texting notification I have assigned to him.

Josh: Holy Hell woman, are you trying to kill me?

Jen: Did you blow your load yet?

Josh: Yes

Jen: Good

Josh: How long can I keep it?

Jen: I’ll buy a new camera for the kids

Josh: You are so fucking hot baby. I’m not sure it is good for my health. You are going to have me jerking it until I bleed.

Jen: Well, let me know if your hand gets too tired

Josh: Two times

I hold my phone against my chest and laugh. It feels amazing to be so flirty with him, like I am twenty again. 

Josh: Seriously though, thank you for trusting me with this

Jen: I already told you. I trust you with everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is half spending time together as a family and writing stories and half naughty Jen shows her man how much she misses him. 
> 
> But in all seriousness the smut is pretty meaningful in this one. He knows she did this kind of thing for a past boyfriend and she knew he was jealous about it. She is trying to show him that she desires him, he is special to her, and she trusts him. 
> 
> I think the flirting and continuing sexual relationship is really good for them because unlike in some of the previous chapters it was accompanied by strengthening emotional ties as well. I also had a lot of laughs writing the texts back and forth between them. I have never written anything quite like that before and it was fun. 
> 
> I would love your feedback on any part of this chapter or the story especially on:
> 
> The family spending some time playing games and gardening together (and Jen's Mom smiling from the window). 
> 
> Jen and Josh writing together (even though he said he would not officially co-write).
> 
> Jen and Josh getting naughty and playful (I think it is pretty cute and sexy and yes I know I write the craziest things).


	46. It's Been a Long Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen and Josh continue to grow back together through texting and taking care of each other. One afternoon when Josh stops by Jen offers to cook him dinner and it leads to something more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was hoping to get this posted on Mother's day for my readers who are mothers but it didn't happen. I am really under the gun right now at work so I am having to log back in and work more than usual in the evenings and it is hard to find time to update. I am hoping to get some relief in the next couple of weeks. 
> 
> This chapter is the perfect one for Mother's day though and you will see why at the end of the chapter :) So happy belated mother's day and for those of you who aren't mothers just enjoy the update. 
> 
> I can't wait to hear your feedback.

Two days later he gives me my own camera. This one contains a single video about 10 minutes long. It is good for about 50 orgasms over the next month. I never realized how hot it was to watch a man stroke his own junk. I guess it helps when he is sculpted with muscle and you are madly in love with him. He stands in a bedroom that I can only assume is his and works himself slowly, all the while telling me in vivid detail every single thing he wants to do to me. I can’t watch it without fondling myself. 

We don’t talk about it when we see each other or during our sessions with the doctor but at night and sometimes throughout the day we send plenty of raunchy texts. 

Josh: I woke up this morning and was disappointed when my mouth didn’t taste like you. I was hoping that dream I had of eating you out all night was real.

Jen: Thanks a lot, I got this sitting in a meeting negotiating a contract. I had to twist around in my chair the whole time trying to give my clit some relief. I probably took less money just to get out of there early so I could get to the bathroom and take care of her. 

Josh: Holy shit, did you really have to eat that Popsicle like that? If the kids hadn’t been around I would have had my pants around my ankles for sure. 

Jen: That show was all for your dick honey. And there is plenty more where that came from :)

We are relentless in our teasing and it does a lot to ease things between us when we are face to face as well. Not that things are always great. I still get plenty irritable just before and during my period and this morning I know that I keep snapping at him and my mother. He gets a knowing look on his face and orders me back up to my room. “Just go Jen” he insists. “I know you aren’t feeling good. Let me get the kids fed and I will be right up to check on you.” I roll my eyes at him but secretly I am pleased. I work hard taking care of things all the time I deserve a morning off every now and then. 

I lay down and take a deep breath and try to relax. I can hear him goofing off and entertaining Evie and Tanner downstairs and it makes me smile. I try not to think of the island but I can’t help but imagine the sound of the birds and the waves as they roll up on the beach. I am nearly asleep when he peeks in the room. When I open my eyes I see him setting two pills, a water bottle and the heating pad on the nightstand. “Turn over” he tells me gently. “What are you doing?” I ask. “Only what I was taught” he says. “Turn over.”

I look at him quizzically but comply anyway and immediately moan in pleasure when he uses those strong hands to message my hips. “Josh” he says in the mocking tone of voice he uses to impersonate me. “I’m going to tell you all you need to know about a woman on the rag. That way you can have clue one what you are doing and can actually attract and keep someone decent.” 

I smile. I remember now. We were young, had just started filming the first movie. I was having God awful cramps and he asked if he could do anything to help. I drug him off to my trailer and gave him the full tutorial on periods and how to take care of a girl who was having one. He was great. He did everything I ask him to and apparently was listening very astutely as he has brought all of the appropriate aids with him today. 

He hands me the Midol and the water and has me take them and then drink half the bottle before he moves the message to my lower back. When I am completely relaxed he gives me the rest of the water and then adds the heating pad. He leans forward and kisses my hair. “Get some sleep” he whispers. I lift my head. “You learned your lesson pretty well” I tell him. “I just didn’t realize that I would be the lucky girl who reaped all the benefits.” 

A couple weeks later he stops by in the afternoon to see the kids and is surprised when I open the door in a pair of cut off jean shorts and one of his old t-shirts. “Hey” he says with a deliciously sexy smile. “It’s Monday, I thought you would be going out with Laura soon.” Her and I usually do dinner or coffee for girls night once a week. “I was supposed to but her kids are sick so she had to call off.” I motion for him to come in. “Where are the Rugrats he asks?” as he walks into the kitchen. 

“My Mom has been wanting to take them to Chuck E Cheese so I told her to go ahead and knock herself out. It shouldn’t be too busy tonight. I was just catching up on some emails.” He holds his hat in his hands and looks around and then bends down to give Bumble Bee and pat. “Well, I don’t want to keep you if you are working, I just came by to see the munchkins so…” I look up and see how good he looks. He seems so much more rested and calm than he did just a few months ago. “Why don’t you stay” I suggest. “Let me cook you some dinner.” He nods and sits at one of the bar stools. He offers to help but I decline.

I wasn’t expecting him. My hair is in a ponytail and I’m not wearing a bra. He can’t take his eyes off of me. I know he is staring at my long legs and my ass which fits snugly into these old shorts. “Where did you find that shirt?” he asks. “In one of my drawers” I say and I think he notices for the first time that I am cooking plantains. “It was mine” he says as if it will be news to me. “I know” I say throwing a wink over my shoulder. “I stole it from you on one of our press tours. I have a few of them” I admit. 

I cut some fruit and pan fry some fish. Within 30 minutes we are seated across from each other at the table. He eyes his plate and raises his eyebrows in question. “Comfort food” I say. It’s only 4:00pm, too early for a meal but I didn’t want him to leave. “It’s still Evie’s favorite” I comment. He reaches across the table and covers my hand with his. “It’s been a long time Jen” he says. “I know” I answer quietly and we both know that we aren’t talking about the menu. 

When I serve the fruit for dessert he looks worried. “When did you start eating pineapple again?” he questions. “About 5 seconds ago” I say. “I need to and you are here with me tonight.” We finish the small bowls in silence but our feet rub together under the table and my hand is in his. When we are done we just sit there and look at each other hopefully. I feel like it happens in slow motion. He stands and lifts me out of my chair and carries me to the couch. We are awkward like this and we are both laughing softly when he lays me down. 

His kisses feel amazing as they rain down on my neck and collar bone. I lift his face so that I can meet his lips with mine. Our mouths are gentle and our tongues tentative. His hands caress my breasts and weigh them in each hand. “I love you Jennifer” he whispers in my ear before sucking on the lobe. Our clothes start to melt away and our hands smooth over every inch of flesh as it is revealed. It’s everything that our encounter in the hotel wasn’t. His eyes are almost worshipful rather than filled with lust. Neither of us are trapped here, it’s where we want to be. 

He removes my shorts and kisses my mound over my panties and I whisper his name. My voice is full of longing and I can tell by his expression that he intends to fulfill all of my desires. He pulls my panties off slowly and tosses them on the floor before moving forward to kiss my ankles and then up to my inner thighs. “No” I say trying to sit up “I want to touch you too.” He smiles and eases me back pulling my legs apart. “Please?” he asks. “This is what I want.” His maddening ascent continues until he kisses my lower lips directly. “Of all the things I have ever imagined doing with and to you this is what I have fantasized about the most” he tells me. 

My mind is hardly in shape for a heart to heart right now but I manage to mutter “Why?” He licks the whole length of me and nudges my clit with his nose. “It gives you the most pleasure and me the most control” he admits. “It opens you up, makes you vulnerable and your pussy is unbelievably beautiful. The first time I saw it I thought I was going to cum on the spot and that was before I had even smelled or tasted it.” At that he lets out a low masculine growl and licks around and between each fold, exploring me thoroughly before setting gentle and steady strokes on my clit. 

I tremble and quake beneath his tender assault and beg for more but he refuses to quicken his pace or increase the pressure. The light strokes he is giving take time to build me to my peak but the resulting orgasm is long and powerful. “Joshua” I cry gripping his hair and tugging it as I climax. His licks remain persistent until my muscles relax and he sits back for a moment and grins at me. “That wasn’t too bad for round one” he says full of arrogance and leans forward to bury his face in me again. 

He tickles my thigh and I giggle with glee before he turns my laughter into a long moan as he inserts a finger and begins to message the spongy flesh he knows will cause me to pulse around him. His mouth finds my clitoris again and he works her with more suction this time. I’m tossing my head back and forth and groaning my approval when I hear the front door open up and footsteps down the hall. “Jennifer” I hear a female voice call. “Jennifer I need you to be back by 9 tonight if possible, there is…” 

We are both so frozen in shock that he barely throws a blanket over his head and my waist before Michelle walks into the room. She can have no doubt about what has been going on. I’m laying naked on my couch spread eagle with a quilt thrown over my waist and there is clearly another person under it. It’s an open concept and I see her startled eyes quickly avert from the scene before her and take in the table setting for two. She turns immediately and walks quickly back into the hallway. She knows Josh and I have been working on things but she also knows we are separated. 

“Michelle” I call after her because I have a strong propensity for making awkward situations completely unbearable. What the hell is she doing here? Then I remember, I was going to text her and tell her that Laura had to cancel and she didn’t need to watch the kids tonight but then my Mom called and wanted them and Josh came over and I forgot. “Jennifer, I’m sorry…I ah…didn’t mean to intrude but I knocked and there was no answer. I’ll just go if you don’t need me to watch Evie and Tanner.” I groan for a very different reason now. “I’m sorry, they are with my Mom. Laura had to cancel and I forgot to text you.” I don’t want her to leave. I will never be able to face her again. I sit up quickly and pull my clothes back on and Josh does the same. 

“Michelle” I call to her again before she gets to the door. “Come in here, we are decent now. I need to talk to you.” She hesitates. “That’s ok honey. I mean, aren’t you in there with a man?” She sounds as mortified as I feel. “Yes” I say completely embarrassed. “And it’s your son.” The last thing I expect her to do is burst out laughing. We can hear her and it goes on until she can’t catch her breath. Pretty soon we can’t help it either. The situation is just so ridiculous and we are rolling with hysterical laughter. When she recovers enough to speak we hear her open the door. “No” she calls, her voice full of mirth. “I’m going to go, I would love to have some more grandchildren.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I don't know about you but I laughed at the end. It is pretty cringe worthy though. I think every story needs at least one moment that is awkward beyond all reason. 
> 
> I love your thoughts and feedback and I need them now more than ever as I am super stressed about real world stuff. This story is a good break from it. 
> 
> I am enjoying the evolution of the relationship and I have a blast writing their texts. Let me know your thoughts on how they are doing. There is a lot of fluff in this one but also a few insightful and significant moments like:
> 
> Josh giving her a return video.
> 
> Texting each other sexy stuff out of the blue.
> 
> Josh taking care of Jen on her period and the fact that she once taught him how to do it. 
> 
> Jen trying not to remember the island in order to be able to relax.
> 
> Jen cooking dinner just so Josh will hang around and then making island food.
> 
> Jen still wearing Josh's old clothes.
> 
> Jen eating Pineapple again (that was huge). 
> 
> The more meaningful sexual exchange.
> 
> And of course the most embarrassing thing in the world. Your mom or mother in law walking in on you having sex. I like that she just laughed in off though. What else could you do?


	47. A Huge Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer attends a tribute event for a former X-Men co star and runs into ex-boyfriend Nicholas Hoult.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a million to everyone who has been following the story and leaving feedback for me. I guarantee that this will not be anyone's favorite chapter but it will ultimately do a lot to help move the plot forward so here goes. As always, these characters and this story are a work of fiction for entertainment only. I look forward to reading your thoughts and feedback.
> 
> New characters: Nicholas Hoult and Jen dated when they were younger and filmed x-men together.

Things between Josh and I continue to improve. We spend lot of time working in the garden as a family and usually take a swim afterward. He also makes an effort to come early or stay late to do some of the heavy lifting of getting them up and putting them to bed instead of just coming in the day time to play. Evie adores her father and they have a kinship over many interests that I do not share. She spends hours sitting on his lap learning to play strategy games both at the table and online. She also enjoys discussing her lessons with him and hearing his opinions on the latest episodes of Transformers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 

Tanner is getting into everything but he is also the sweetest most lovable little boy God ever made and that isn’t just my bias. Everyone who ever meets him is immediately taken by his adorable smiles and charming nature. He has a more laid back demeanor than the rest of our family and he does not know a stranger. He says “Mama” and “Dada” now and covers us with his slobbery kisses and I couldn’t be more in love. He is his sister’s constant companion and she is all about playing mother hen. He doesn’t mind though. Not as long as he has someone else to be with that will give him constant care and attention. He is an extreme extrovert and the only thing in life he really dislikes is being by himself. 

We haven’t talked about Josh moving back in for a while but his visits keep getting longer and longer and sometimes he sleeps over and holds me at night. He helps when I get a writing block and consults with me on potential parts he is considering. He is also working with an old acquaintance on an indie film that he will also be producing. 

I have a housekeeper but our family does all of the direct work involved in taking care of the children and sometimes I get tired of the routine. I love my kids, but there are days that I want to do something besides watch cartoons and eat grilled cheese sandwiches. I wouldn’t change my choice to slow things down to raise them but I need a break. The dog has chewed up another one of Tanner’s toys and he is crying and Evie is giving me attitude about putting her own dishes in the sink when I get a call from Liz that I have been invited to a tribute event for one of my old co-stars from X-Men. She thinks that I should attend, that it would be a good chance to network with some old contacts and strike up some new ones. I don’t commit to anything but I really want to go. 

I’ve heard from some of the cast since I have been back by phone and email but I haven’t seen any of them face to face. Nick messaged me shortly after our return telling me that he was extremely glad that I was alright and that I had always meant a lot to him. He also suggested that we make arrangements to get together some time and catch up. I had thanked him for his well wishes and let him know that I was pretty busy getting adjusted but that I was sure we would see each other around. He must have gotten the hint because I haven’t heard from him since. 

I talk it out with Josh and he tells me that I should go. “It will be fine” he says. “That weekend is clear on my calendar. I will block it and stay with the kids. It’s just one overnight and a lot of your friends will be there.” I nod in relief. A whole weekend to myself to talk to other adults and eat with other adults and not drag a diaper bag around and push a stroller everywhere. It gives me something special to look forward to and I find the next couple of weeks much easier to get through as a result. 

The event is really fun. I meet up with everyone for an informal lunch and each and every person is extremely kind and gracious to me. It’s been over a decade and it feels incredible to connect with a part of my life that I have set aside for so long. We share some amusing onset stories and I get a chance to hear what people have been up to both personally and professionally. They tease me a bit because I limit myself to one drink but I took something extra for my anxiety today and I really shouldn’t mix it with too much alcohol. I’ve never been a party animal, but I notice that I am not the only one who has slowed down a bit in the crazy category as we’ve gotten older. 

The tribute is a lively and delicious dinner and the venue and the people are absolutely gorgeous. I’ve been gone too long to be trusted in the realm of fashion so I hired a professional to select my dress and accessories and I know I look fabulous. I have a good conversation with those sitting around me and later in the evening am able to mingle with some contacts I have interest in working with in the future. I thought I didn’t miss this kind of social outing but it might be interesting to do again on occasion. 

I check my phone around 9pm and see that I have a text from Josh. I pull up the picture he sent me and grin. He and Tanner are sitting on the couch in the matching Star Wars pajamas I bought them for Josh’s birthday all smiles and laughter. The message reads: Your babies are ready for bed. Yes, this was good for a change of pace but I miss them. 

When I get back to the hotel I am just getting into the elevator when Nick reaches out to stop the door from closing. “Hey Jen” he says with a smile. “I’m staying here too, 5th floor.” I nod indicating that we are in the same area of the hotel. He motions with his head to the lobby. “Will you grab a drink with me and talk for a few minutes. It’s been a long time and I’d love to hear about what you have been up to.” I hesitate and he gives me a beautiful smile. “Come on, for old time’s sake?” I agree. After all, he is one of my oldest friends and I haven’t seen him in forever.

He is his usual charming self and I find myself laughing at his jokes and becoming entranced by his stories of traveling and filming in some pretty amazing locations. He has pretty eyes and he flirts with me and I know that I am flirting back. I shouldn’t, but it feels good to have his attention. My husband may be choosing separation but at least this guy is interested. I have no intention of letting things go any farther than chatting at the bar, but it is great to know that I can still make a man want me. I feel it in the way he brings his hand across the table to touch my arm and how he has shifted his chair a little closer to mine every few minutes. He is definitely up for coming up to my room. I’m horny and a little buzzed, when I was young and single I would have been all about it even though he is my ex and I no longer love him. 

This isn’t 2015 though and when it starts to get late I excuse myself. “Ok” he says, a little disappointed. “I’m going to call it a night too. Can I walk you up?” I nod because what else am I going to do? Tell him he can’t ride the elevator to his own hotel room at the same time as me? I’m pretty tired and my eyes float shut as the door begins to close and as soon as we start the ascent he pulls me close and his lips are on mine. For a few seconds I relax and let him kiss me. I don’t know if it is because I’m caught off guard or if it is because I am secretly curious about what this will feel like with someone else after so long. But the hands on my face are smooth rather than work roughened and his scent is all wrong. A sick feeling forms in my stomach and I push him back. “Don’t” I tell him angrily.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa” he says holding up his hands. “I’m sorry, I thought based on how you were acting down there that you wanted me to.” I shake my head and tears start to come. “I’m married now Nick. I told you that. I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea. I just want to be friends. I love my husband. We have kids together and we are trying to make it work.” He nods but clenches his fists and exits as soon as the doors open. He looks like he might say more but then just turns and heads back to his room closing the door a lot harder than he needs to. 

I’m in the car on the way home from the airport when I get a text from my Mom. 

Mom: Please Google yourself. Honestly Jennifer, I don’t know what you were thinking. 

Oh God, I am in deep fucking shit. 

My hands tremble as I type the words in and I almost drop the phone when I see the headlines. 

Jennifer Lawrence and Nicholas Hoult rekindle old romance?

Is Joshifer history? Jennifer shares hot night with Ex Nicholas Hoult 

J-Law locks lips with Ex-Boyfriend in steamy weekend away from current hubby Josh Hutcherson 

I start to cry. Not only are there stories but there are photos. Dozens of photos of me and Nick talking and laughing and making eyes at each other, of him with his hand on my arm and me smiling at him, of us walking into the elevator together. Fuck that hotel, they even gave them the footage from the elevator. And there I am with Nick kissing me for everyone to see. Of course they don’t show that I pushed him away or mention that we went to separate rooms. I am in deep shit, but even worse, I hurt Josh. I hurt him really bad with this and I completely destroyed all the trust we have been building over the past few months. 

When the car pulls up to the house I run in but only find my mother with the kids shaking her head. “He already left” she tells me. “He said he would be back when he is calm enough to talk.” I barely make it to the bathroom before I empty my stomach contents. I spend the afternoon crying and shaking with anxiety. What the hell is going to happen now? I call Josh repeatedly but he doesn’t pick up. I leave him half a dozen voicemails apologizing and telling him that nothing happened and that I love him and begging for forgiveness. By evening my mother tells me that I need to come out and see the kids, that I am worrying Evie. 

It takes all the strength and control that I have as a person to put on a presentable face for her. She knows something is wrong but she doesn’t push it and in the middle of the night she wakes me up to tell me that she wet the bed. Her sheets are not the only ones that I have to change before morning. I sob and agonize over whether or not he will give me a chance to explain, to fix things. I pick up my phone ready to text him that he needs to come over. That I have to have his arms around me. I don’t though. That wouldn’t be fair to him. I didn’t cheat on him but I flirted with Nick and broke his heart. It isn’t his responsibility to pick up the pieces of me and it never was. 

Liz has been trying to reach me and the next day I face the music with her. “We need to fix this” she tells me. “And if it is not fixable we need to stop the bleeding.” I tell her the truth about what happened and she seems somewhat relieved. “I will talk to his people” she says. “We can issue a clarifying statement and see if they are willing to do the same. You want me to say that you are standing by your man right?” she clarifies. “Yes” I say with my voice trembling. “Have you heard from him at all?” There is a pause on the line. “No” she says regretfully. “He hasn’t returned my calls or emails.” 

We work out a satisfactory statement and then she proposes another idea. “These statements will assure your fans but they will also bring more attention to the story. I think we will need some counter stories from other sources too. You said you pushed him away after the kiss right, had a little bit of a verbal fight and then went to separate rooms?” She doesn’t wait for me to confirm it again. “This hotel is pretty high end. They have to be pissed at the person on their staff that gave those surveillance videos to the press. I will put some pressure on them, get the full tapes and then we can get those out to some of our more favorable outlets.” I let out a long sigh. I am so tired and so scared. “It will be ok Jen” she tells me. “If we get the complete video out there this whole thing will blow over after a week or two.”

She’s right. Once the complete footage is available the press is just as happy to run with the story that we fought as they were that we slept together. Nick issues a statement denying a relationship between us as well but I am not sure if it is for my benefit or if it is because of all the hate he is getting from Hunger Games fans. I only wish that things with my husband were so easily mended. 

Michelle comes over to watch the kids on Monday night like she always does and I try to explain things to her. “I just had a drink with him in the lobby. I didn’t go up to his room or anything and I didn’t expect him to try to kiss me. He just caught me off guard. I love Josh, I would never…” She reaches up her hand to stop me. “You don’t have to explain yourself” she says calmly. “Whatever goes on in your relationship with Josh is your own business and I am sure he is capable of working it out with you.” 

It isn’t an infectiously warm greeting but she genuinely seems to believe that. She is fine with whatever we work out and it is none of her business. It lets me off the hook in terms her being mad at me but it really sticks in my crawl that she didn’t stand up for her son more. My parents would have been furious with him and would have rushed to my defense. How many battles has he had to fight all on his own because it was no one else’s business and for how long?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Try not to hate me too much. Not what you probably wanted to read after a couple of fluffy feel good chapters but these events are important in moving the plot of the story along. Please leave me feedback on this one if you can including thoughts on some of the things below:
> 
> I gave you a little update on the kids and how they are changing and developing (it is easy for that part to get lost in some of the bigger things that happen later). 
> 
> Jen getting a little burnt out on being home so much (I can definitely get this way too). 
> 
> Obviously what transpires between Nick and Jen. Let's be clear here that although what she did was ill considered she had no intention of sleeping with Nick or cheating on Josh. She did flirt with him though and by the end of the chapter she clearly knows that was wrong and that she hurt her husband and destroyed trust with him. She has been put in a situation to be vulnerable to wanting some attention from a man though. Not a good idea and she screwed up, but she didn't do anything worthy of the consequences she pays for it. 
> 
> Jen's mother's reaction to the whole thing. 
> 
> Josh's behavior in the aftermath.
> 
> How the events impact Jen's fears and anxiety levels. 
> 
> How Evie is impacted and her reaction. 
> 
> Michelle's reaction is important. I would welcome thoughts on that and what it says about how Josh may feel and how things work in his family. 
> 
> Finally, how do you think Josh is going to deal with this and what will his next move be?


	48. The Implosion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer and Josh come face to face and the ensuing events have serious consequences and implications that force both of them to confront issues much bigger than the things floating on the surface of their separation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THE NOTES HERE FIRST
> 
> So this is the chapter that I am most nervous about posting and it brings up several topics that are controversial and that people are likely to have a variety of thoughts and emotions about but it is a really important one and I think by the end it will frame some of the things that have happened and what will likely happen next very differently. Thinking back now it was not the most difficult chapter for me to write but it is the most difficult one for me to interact with as a reader. 
> 
> If you have concerns about any of the tags on this fic please do not read as it may be upsetting or offensive to some people.
> 
> It is important to remember when reading this that the things that are going to happen and the dynamics, emotions, and behaviors that we will see have been developing for a long time and have been caused and influenced by all of the things that we have read so far and some that we have yet to read. To really understand this chapter you have to keep that in mind and not be too focused on the recent events of the last one that involved Nick. If you are too focused on that one event this chapter will not be understood correctly. 
> 
> As always this is completely a work of fiction. 
> 
> I look forward to hearing comments from all of you and I value your perspectives and opinions.

I email him the full video and a page long email apologizing for flirting with Nick, clarifying again exactly what happened and telling him how much I love him and how much I regret the whole thing. He doesn’t respond and arranges his visits with the kids by way of his mother. He doesn’t show up for our next session with Dr. Degregorio. On Monday night I meet up with Laura and cry on her shoulder. She assures me that he will be back and that I should give him some space and let him cool down on his own. I know better though. Space doesn’t help Josh cool down, it makes him more lonely and afraid. This time I am concerned that it will also make him more angry.

It is later than usual when I get home and I panic when I don’t see Michelle’s car. I race into the living room to find him sitting in near darkness looking at a picture of our family by the light of the small reading lamp on the end table. I rush into an explanation of that night at the hotel but he acts like he doesn’t hear me as he stands and approaches. His face is cast in shadows as he gets closer and my heart begins to pound with fear. I take a few steps back until he has me pinned against the wall, a hand on either side of my shoulders.

“Jesus Jen, stop talking” he commands. “You’re always fucking talking. Right now you are going to listen. You are my wife. Do you hear me? You are MY wife and tonight you are going to act like it.” His possessive words and aggressive posture send shivers of alarm down my spine but also a strong dose of excited desire to my core. I don’t have much time to comp template the conflicting emotions because the feeling of his lips devouring mine erases all rational thought. 

His tongue invades my mouth with total dominance and he grips my arms to the point of pain and presses me hard against the wall. His hands roam my body at will and rip away my jacket, shirt and pants. I am silent other than gasps of pleasure and grunts of surprise as his lips fall to my neck where he sucks and bites my flesh to the collar bone. His cock is hard inside of his jeans and he presses it into me without mercy. I am disoriented but completely turned on by the time he pulls away and I can see that his eyes are nearly black with anger and thinly veiled lust. 

He doesn’t speak as he grabs me around the waist and throws me over his shoulder, hauling me up to our bedroom. He tosses me onto the bed and I watch as he makes quick work of his clothing before he pounces again. His hands find my wrists and pin me down while his mouth sucks greedily at my chest and neck. “I need you…I can’t let you go” he grunts into my ear as he enters me with one hard thrust. 

The entry would be painful if I wasn’t so wet but my body is ready and willing to submit to him again and again. He sets a grueling pace and I can do little more than take it and spasm around him when it becomes too much. He shouts in triumph when he fills me but barely softens before he has me flipped over and is taking me on all fours, his hand pulling my hair back with a mix of pleasure and pain that I beg for again. “I’m yours” I whimper as he pistons his hips, fucking my pussy again and again. At one point he pushes me so hard that the side of my face smashes against the bedframe but he quickly pulls me further back so that it doesn’t happen again. Something is wrong. Josh can go twice in a night for sure but he usually needs some kind of a waiting period in between. 

The strength of his pushing and his grip on my body are uncomfortable but it doesn’t stop him from driving into me hard. He has completely lost control. That is the thought racing through my mind as he punishes me with his relentless thrusting. If it were anyone else I would be terrified. But this is Joshy and it has finally happened. His emotions are overriding his sense of rationality and judgement. There is hurt and anger behind the things he is doing to me but there is also love. Passion and desire that can no longer be kept at bay. It is that realization that causes my heart to sing and my core to weep. 

When he has spent himself for the second time I wonder if he will leave or if he will stay here with me tonight. I don’t anticipate that he will tie my wrists to the bedposts and make his way down my body. It is an extremely messy time to eat me out, but I wouldn’t fight it. Instead he presses on my belly with one hand while the other pushes a finger inside of me and starts rubbing my g-spot. I’ve already cum multiple times but the stimulation feels amazing. I toss my head back and forth and murmur God knows what in encouragement. He rubs and rubs and my body winds tighter and tighter like a coil about to snap. His eyes are intense, almost mad as he watches what is happening to me. “Give it to me” he commands and I let go. Fluid comes squirting out of me as I take off in a flight of ecstasy. I scream something that might be his name and my body clamps around his finger as tightly as it can. 

This has happened to me a few times over the years, but not often and never with this intensity. When he lifts himself up he can see that my entire body is trembling. It is too overwhelmed, everything that has happened is too much. I shake harder and harder and my teeth start to chatter. He speaks no words of comfort. He doesn’t tell me that he loves me but his actions tonight leave little doubt. Other people won’t see it that way, but I know my husband. His arms enfold me and he holds me close until my breathing has calmed. We don’t so much fall asleep as black out from total exhaustion as soon as the wave of over stimulation abates. 

The first thing I hear the next morning is my children. I sit up in alarm at how bright it is outside and am immediately aware of an aching and intense soreness in my entire body. A second set of voices float up the stairs and I relax against my pillows. My Mother and Michelle are feeding them. I forgot that they have a big shopping trip planned for today. I stretch and wish I hadn’t but a smile still graces my face. He came back. He came back and he wanted me. More than that, he couldn’t stop himself. He was like an animal. I let out a girlish giggle and snuggle back under the sheets. I still have him, he isn’t going to leave. I’m not sure that he can. I don’t care that I am sore, I am overjoyed that things aren’t over between us. 

My thighs are beyond sticky but I shouldn’t keep them waiting. They have been patient enough in letting me sleep in. I throw on a robe and hurry down the stairs. No one immediately notices my presence and I am just sifting through the mail when I hear my Mother’s gasp. “Jennifer, what happened?” she says gaping at me. It might be obvious that I have sex hair but Jesus, it’s not that big of a deal. I am sure Michelle told her about walking in on us the other day. I look to her and see another look of shock and concern. I follow their gazes to my arm and see a row of bruises. 

It takes me back for a moment and it’s hard to acknowledge that it is my flesh that they are staining. I turn to look in the hallway mirror. There is a line of purple and red blotches circling my wrists. I lift my hand in dazed confusion just beyond my right eye and gingerly touch a light shadow of bruising there too. I recall the contact I had with the bedframe last night. It didn’t seem that hard in the moment. 

By the time I turn around both women are approaching. “What is going on?” my Mother demands. “”It’s nothing” I say dismissively grabbing the mail and trying to walk away. “Stop” she insists. “Jennifer, this isn’t nothing. What is going on and how did you get hurt?” Tears are starting to form. “None of your business” I tell her feeling defensive. Michelle peers up at me in total bewilderment and puts a hand to my unblemished cheek turning my head to the side and looking me over completely. “My son did this” she says in disbelief. 

“It was just a misunderstanding” I get out. When I see how they both recoil I realize how that sounds. “I mean, things just got out of hand. He didn’t mean it and its ok.” My mother stands with her hands on her hips and blocks my way. “That boy has really started to grow on me, but this is not ok.” I plop down on a seat and wince a little. I am going to have to give them an explanation. “He didn’t hit me or anything. We weren’t fighting. We just had some rough sex last night and it went too far.” They don’t look convinced. “I’m telling the truth. He didn’t do anything that I didn’t want him to.” 

Michelle comes and sits beside me. “Have things like this happened before?” she asks. I lower my head and shake it in way of response. “Did he see how you looked this morning? I can’t believe that he is ok with this.” I shake my head again. “I think he left last night. He came over, he was angry about the whole thing with Nick. He told me…some things. We started having sex and it just kept escalating but it wasn’t abusive or anything. It was just intense and I…I wanted to be with him.” She nods but her face shows uncertainty and my Mother still looks upset. 

“Please don’t tell him” I plead with her. “He is totally going to freak out and he doesn’t need to and don’t say anything to Dad” I add to Mom. Neither will agree to silence and there is nothing I can say to persuade them. I shower and put on makeup to conceal the worst of it. I don’t want to alarm Evie. I am supposed to do an interview in two days with Vanity Fair about my transition from actor to writer but I call and reschedule for next month. I cannot have word of this getting out. I play with the kids and make them dinner just like a normally would and am careful to avoid anything too strenuous. I actually feel fine, just a little sore like when you are getting over the flu. 

When I get them into bed I take a long bath and then go down to my office to write. Mom is insisting on staying with me but has gone to her room for the night. I’m surprised when I hear the door open around 10pm. I know it is him I will see as I round the corner. Josh stands there mortified as he takes in my appearance. 

“Oh my God” he says covering his face with his hands. “I…I hurt you” he stutters. “I hurt you so bad. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I take a step forward and he backs away, not trusting himself to even be near me. “It’s ok honey” I tell him. “You didn’t mean too and it really doesn’t even hurt that much. I know it looks bad, but you didn’t do anything wrong.” Now he does step forward. He closes the space between us and waits for me to look at him before he says his next words. “Listen to me Jen. It’s really important.” I nod. “Nothing that I did to you was alright. It was all completely wrong.” 

I shake my head in denial. “You didn’t force me to do anything I didn’t want to” I insist. “Josh…I actually liked some of it. It made me so excited that you wanted me so much.” He closes his eyes and a painful expression takes his face. “Shhh” he shushes me. “What I did was deplorable. I’m exactly what your family thinks I am.” There is no way I am going to stand for that. “That’s bullshit” I say firmly. “There were two of us in that bed and I never once said no. If you recall at several points I begged you for more.” 

He sits on the couch and hangs his head in shame. “I touched you in anger Jen. It’s never right for anyone to put his hands on you when he is angry. You should never accept it. I don’t want that to be the lesson you learn from being married to me.” I come and sit beside him. “Then don’t do it again” I say. “I’ll never be in a relationship with anyone else so as long as you don’t do it again it will be fine.”

He takes out his phone and starts to input a number with his thumb. “What are you doing?” I ask. “Calling the police” he says and I immediately snatch it away. He looks up at me in surprise. “I hurt you Jennifer, I should be arrested.” I let out a frustrated breath. “For having rough sex with your wife?” I challenge. “For assault” he corrects. I grip his phone and refuse to give it back to him. “Don’t do this” I tell him. “Don’t drag our family through the mud. I will never agree to press charges anyway. You didn’t attack me. Jesus Josh, I orgasmed half a dozen times!” 

He gets a confused look on his face and starts pacing. His hands reach up to scratch his arms and he keeps running his hands through his hair in frustration. He mutters a few things under his breath and then turns to face me as if he just realized I was still here. “Josh?” I ask. “Are you ok?” He has always been an immovable rock. Nothing gets to him. It’s hard to imagine that he is having so much trouble dealing with some of the things that have happened recently after what we went through on the island or all the fame and pressure he managed before that. But as he turns to look at me and I step into the light he sees the bruise on my face fully for the first time. 

His expression is one of disbelief and then horror. I am about to reassure him again when he turns and stumbles into the kitchen, thrusting his face into the sink. His back and chest visibly strain from the force of his vomiting. It takes several minutes to empty all that he has and his hands won’t stop shaking. I do my best to hold my own dinner down as I try to comfort him and bring him sips of water. It is so painful to watch someone you love break down like this. Now I know what he has been through all of these years on my bad nights. 

When he finally slumps to the floor I sit down beside him. His eyes look haunted and I am really afraid. Much more than I was last night. His whole body continues to quake and he is having trouble focusing. “No, no, no” he keeps moaning. I rub his back again and again. “Baby” I plead with him. “Please tell me what I can do to help you.” I expect him to shrug off my offer but instead he grips my hand, holding on for dear life. “Can you take me to the hospital?” he asks. He sounds as frightened as I am. “I think I need to go. I need someone to help me. I’ve been trying but I just need to go. I’m scared Jen. I don’t know what is happening to me and I don’t know if I can control it. I don’t even remember everything that happened last night that clearly. Maybe they can lock me up and give me drugs or something.”

I pull him close and he snuggles into me. “Can you tell me what’s going on?” I beg him. He nods and keeps fidgeting as he continues. “It’s so hard to say things like this to you when I love you so much and I want to protect you” he admits. “Jen, I think I’m having some kind of a mental breakdown. I can’t work anymore and I’m not sleeping. I’ve been going through some of this since we got back but it’s worse now. That’s why it’s better that I don’t live here until I can get a handle on it.”

My stomach drops and bile starts to rise in my throat. “It’s gotten worse since this whole thing happened with me and Nick?” I question and he flinches just at the sound of his name. He cares about me enough that he doesn’t answer the question. “This isn’t your fault” he tells me. “This is my fault and I need to fix it. You and the kids don’t have to pay the price for what is wrong inside my head. I’ve been fighting it for a long time and you and Evie and Tanner have kept me going but when I saw those pictures and headlines it was like that life line was cut off.” I pull him closer and just love on him. “Josh” I whisper. “Why have you been hiding this and how bad is it really?”

I don’t want to know. But as his wife I need to and I can’t support him if he doesn’t talk to me. He starts to cry. “I’ve just been losing it sometimes and yelling at the wall.” I know how that feels, I’ve done it dozens of times since moving back here. “I’m having trouble getting my bearings and I keep dreaming about burning those bodies and burying Zachary. I feel the heat of the fire and smell the stench of burning flesh. Some days I shower or wash my clothes three or four times trying to get it out. I hear your screams and watch you die when I close my eyes. I feel Zachary’s little body in my arms, I think of the moment when my grip slipped on that tree. If I wouldn’t have fallen you wouldn’t have been doing all those chores. I killed him Jen. I failed. He needed me and I let him die and I could have killed you too. I could swear sometimes that I hear him faintly, hear him crying for his Daddy.” 

“I’ve been having other thoughts too. Thoughts about how things might be better without me. That it might be easier for our families and for you and the kids if I wasn’t around anymore. I want the bad memories to stop playing in my head and I want you to be happy again. I went and got my gun the other night and sat at the table and stared at it and I was thinking that if I just had the guts to use it you could find a better Dad for Evie and Tanner. Or if I could find a way to make it look like an accident you wouldn’t feel bad. You would be sad for a while but then you could be free.”

My heart lurches in my chest and I cling to him desperately. “Josh” I sob. “Please don’t think that. God, if you ever hurt yourself…” I pull back and wipe his tears away and kiss his face. “Do you love me?” I ask. He nods vigorously. “More than anything” he confirms. “Sometimes so much that it terrifies me.” I bring my forehead to rest against his. “I feel your heart beating” I tell him. “I feel it all the time. I feel it because it’s my heart beating too. If you killed yourself you would be killing both of us. I would never move on. I would take care of the kids because I’m their mother and I would have to but I wouldn’t recover. I would never be Jennifer again. Please understand what making a decision like that would mean. Evie and Tanner would lose their parents. No one would be left to remember Zachary. We would both be gone forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry. That was probably difficult for some of you to get through because you may be attached to these characters or some of these themes and topics may resonate with you. These two are in a pretty dark place right now but Josh finally breaking down has forced some honesty out and I want to be clear that he is being honest about the thoughts and feelings that he has expressed. They have not been inflated or exaggerated to punish Jen. Josh is really in trouble and he has been hiding it and he should not have (that has made it a lot worse and deprived Jen of opportunities to help and be a partner). 
> 
> Also want to be crystal clear that domestic and or sexual violence is not romantic, glamorous, sexy, or acceptable. If you are or have experienced this you should seek immediate professional help which is what Josh wants to do. If you are into some rough role play and that is your thing cool beans if you are an adult with a consenting partner. But that is not the same as being truly angry and out of control. The actions and emotions in this chapter are complicated and nuanced and that was intentional. Josh didn’t rape Jen and the physical injury she suffered was more of a result of him being too rough and out of control than intentional abuse of her and she herself has conflicting emotions and physical feelings about it both in the moment and afterward. I will let you mull that over. 
> 
> She is very defensive of his actions because she loves him, wants to stay in the relationship, and because she believes that this was just rowdy sex that accidentally went too far in the moment. She does not think or feel that she was violated or abused and some of the evidence does support that. 
> 
> Josh on the other hand knows how angry he was and that he was out of control. He views his actions as wrong, dangerous, and even criminal. There is also some evidence to support that. He is also handicapped at this point by his reduced mental stability and his lack of clear recollections of the events (we will revisit why that is later). 
> 
> Josh reveals a lot about the darker side of the things he has been wrestling with and it is a really rough few paragraphs. This likely caught you off guard and it was meant to because it caught Jen off guard and I want you to experience the events with her and from her perspective. 
> 
> She is likely to blame herself for not seeing this coming and especially because of what happened with Nick but that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The really big things he is struggling with and suffering from are not Jen’s fault and they are not his either. 
> 
> Neither of them can control or change what has happened in the past up to this point but they can make choices about what they do next. The following chapter will pick up immediately, like 5 seconds later and we will see what their choices are now that more of the cards are on the table. 
> 
> I would love your feedback on any part of this chapter. What stuck with you and made an impression? There are some pretty emotional moments. Also, what do you think next steps are for this broken little pair? Where you surprised by Josh's inner dialogue? We will have an opportunity to get some more perspective and insight into that from Dr. Degregorio.


	49. Diving Deeper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer and Josh seek additional help for Josh's mental state and Jen has a heart to heart with Dr. Degregorio.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a million to everyone who left me feedback on the last chapter. You are amazing and you keep me writing day after day. This update is for Panda who asked so nicely and wrote me some good feedback last week. I originally was not planning to update until later this week. 
> 
> This chapter addresses a couple of things. First of all, what Jen and Josh do in the immediate aftermath of his breakdown. We also get a closer look at Josh and his way of thinking about the world through the observations and analysis of Dr. Degregorio. For those of you interested in knowing more about his inner world this is an intriguing one and one of the few glimpses we have gotten into it. 
> 
> Make sure to leave me feedback if you want more. Also, other readers enjoy reading your thoughts and comments about as much as they do the content of the story.

Josh and I huddle together on the floor until I am calm enough to make a phone call. I find the cell phone number Dr. Degregorio gave me in case of urgent issues. It goes to voicemail and I hang up and call back again. He answers the second time sounding groggy and if the situation wasn’t so dire I would feel bad for waking him up. I don’t have time to fill him in on all the details but I tell him enough to get him to recommend a place for us to go. It’s primarily a drug treatment facility but it also has some psychiatric rooms. Best of all, it is close and expensive which means that they will be discrete. Dr. Degregorio says that he will call ahead and can meet us there in an hour or so. 

I can feel Josh’s hand shaking as I take it and lead him out to his car. I don’t drive often anymore but I am going to tonight. He apologizes over and over again and my heart is racing the entire way there. I always figured he would have to have me committed one day. I never imagined that I would be taking him. They are expecting us and quickly have him changed into a gown and those socks with the grips on the bottoms. I try not to let him see how much it upsets me. Those medical clothes make it real somehow. This is happening, my husband is being hospitalized for mental instability. They take his vitals and by the time he has answered a few basic medical questions Dr. Degregorio has arrived. 

“Thank you so much for coming” I tell him. He asks if he can talk with me in private and we step outside the door. “I need to ask Josh some questions and I think it would be best if you are not present for that conversion” he tells me. “No” I insist. “I’m not going to leave him. He needs me right now.” He puts a hand on my shoulder. “Jennifer, I couldn’t agree with you more. I think you should see him as much as they allow you to while he is here and you are going to be a big part of his recovery. But you know how protective he is. I need to know what is going on with him and he will hold back with you in the room.” I don’t like it but I know that he is right so I agree. 

I step out into a small waiting room for what seems like forever but is actually only a couple of hours. The relentless little tick of the clock echoes in my head. I detest sitting in this chair strumming my fingers along the railing and wondering what is happening to Josh. The more I think about it the more I know this was a long time coming. This incident with Nick was the breaking point but he has been struggling for a while. This is all my fucking fault. I can’t believe the stupid things that I did, all of the things that I didn’t see or react to and now Josh is paying for it. He has been strong for so long. They need to help him. They need to do something. I need to do something. I recall the scene where Katniss sits in district 13 waiting to see how the mission to bring Peeta back from the capital goes. I am ready to shoot that scene again. I know what it really feels like now. That is what this has become. It is a rescue mission. 

Eventually an attendant comes to tell me that Josh is sleeping and that I should go home and get some rest. “No” I tell her. “He is my husband and I need to be here with him.” She gives me a kind smile. “I’m sorry but that won’t be possible. Visiting hours are from 10am – 12pm and 6pm – 8pm daily. You can come back and see him in the morning.” I narrow my eyes at her. “If you think I’m leaving you are crazier than any of the patients here” I say. She doesn’t seem fazed and I realize that I am not going to be able to intimidate her so I ask to speak to a manager. She just ignores me and goes back into the main facility, locking the door behind her. My temper and fear get the better of me and I starting yelling and banging on the door. Panic fills my whole being as I slam my hands on the cool glass. I need to be with Josh. He shouldn’t be alone tonight. Bad things happen to us when were are separated. I’ve let him wonder how much I care too many times. 

It’s the middle of the night so I am surprised when she comes back a few minutes later and escorts me to the facility director’s office. I guess they don’t want a movie star losing her shit in their lobby tonight. I am met by a gentlemen who introduces himself as the night manager. He tries to explain the facility policy to me again and also that Josh has been sedated and will likely not wake anytime soon anyway. I cut straight to the chase and offer him $30,000 to let me stay in Josh’s room tonight. I am fully aware of how against policy that is but it is a small staff and he agrees and gives me a bank account number to deposit the money into. I will have Tim do it tomorrow, who knows, maybe it will pay for his kid’s college. 

He leads me to a room where my husband sleeps in a hospital bed and another attendant comes along a few minutes later and sets up a cot for me. I don’t need it. I sit by him all night and kiss his face and hair. Eventually, I climb into the narrow bed beside him. It reminds me of when we were young and would seek comfort before a big or high pressure event. He looks so vulnerable right now and I need to care for and protect him. I start to hear more people walking in the hallway around 8am and a nurse comes in and checks his vitals again but he doesn’t start to stir until almost 11. I am holding his hand and stroking his cheek when he opens up his eyes. 

“Hey baby” I say with a smile. “How are you feeling?” He squints in confusion and looks around and I can tell when he remembers where he is. “Jen?” he questions. “I thought they said they were sending you home.” I shake my head. “They couldn’t get rid of me” I tell him. “Thank you” he says quietly. “Thank you for staying with me.” I nod and kiss his cheek. Just then a woman comes in with a tray and says that it is time for lunch. She asks if I would like one too and we sit and eat together before they take him to see their psychiatrist. I curl up in one of the chairs in the waiting room and it isn’t long before I fall asleep. 

I am awoken by a woman in a white coat who introduces herself as Dr. Fisher. She thanks me for my willingness to be supportive but explains that if I want Josh to be treated here that I must follow their rules. She is firm but kind when giving the direction. “I doubt he will need to be here more than a few days” she says. “During that time he will receive treatment from myself and be cared for by our staff and I will also be consulting with Dr. Degregorio and he has also agreed to come and see him here. You can be with him every day for the 4 hours allocated for visiting and bring other family too if you like.” I nod in resignation. “Will you tell him that I will be back tonight?” I ask her and she agrees. 

I call Dr. Degregorio and demand to know how Josh is really doing. He tells me that he cannot discuss another patient with me without his permission even if I am his wife. I tell him what Josh said last night about hurting himself. He thanks me and tells me that he has a session scheduled with him today and that he will call me back. It makes me feel a little better that he will still be seeing Dr. Degregorio but it is really discouraging that Josh did not discuss those thoughts with him last night or before. 

The receptionist calls that afternoon and asks if I can come in early the next morning. I sit on his couch wringing my hands and begging him to tell me that my husband will be alright. He takes a sheet of paper out of his desk and lays it on the table before me. “Your husband has agreed to waive his privacy rights so that I can discuss his treatment with you” he informs me. I nod and motion for him to continue but he just sits there staring out the window. “He told me he is having some kind of a mental breakdown” I inform him. 

He finally turns to look at me. He is always slow and deliberate, taking time so as to say only what I need to hear. “We don’t call it that in the medical community” he says. “But in layman’s terms I suppose he is.” He shifts in his seat to get more comfortable and I am relieved as that is normally the posture he takes when he is ready to do the talking. “There are a couple of important things for you to know. First of all, your husband is struggling. Secondly, you cannot fix him and it isn’t your fault that all of these bad things happened to him.”

“His therapy hasn’t been as productive as I would have liked because he has trouble being open and honest with me. He tends to view sharing his problems as a weakness and is reluctant to be vulnerable. He does want to get better but he is unsure how to do it. It is upsetting for you to know some of the dark thoughts he has been having but it actually shows remarkable progress that he chose to share them with you.”

He leans forward and takes my trembling hand to calm me. I am guessing it is unusual for him to touch a patient but it is a fatherly gesture and his compassion is welcome. “I spoke with him at length yesterday and I do not believe that he is in any immediate danger of harming himself. He was calm and rational and was talking about future plans for himself and for your family. Your husband is a stuffer. He hides emotions that he finds unacceptable even from himself. Those type of people are unlikely to mention their suicidal thoughts before they act on them. They just do it and everyone is shocked and completely caught off guard. He told you because he was calling for help and eventually became desperate enough to disclose some of his lowest moments to the person he loves. Luckily for him he has an excellent partner and you want to answer that plea.” 

I relax and take a few cleansing breaths. “He mentioned that the two of you had a rather unfortunate encounter a few nights ago and I would like to hear about it from your perspective.” I nod and tell him everything that happened. I wouldn’t normally discuss my sex life in such detail but he is our physician and I think what transpired may be important to understanding what is going on with my husband. He strokes his chin and blows out a breath. 

“Not surprisingly the two of you see the same events quite differently” he notes and types a few more lines. “I’m putting him on a mood stabilizer for the time being and I’m also changing and increasing the dosage of his sleep aid. He hadn’t slept in over 50 hours when that incident occurred and it was definitely a catalyst to his agitation and one of the main causes of his loss of judgement. That is also why he didn’t remember the events clearly.” I think back to the island and how he was always still awake when I fell asleep and usually doing chores by the time I got up. I thought he was just high energy but it was likely stress induced insomnia. “I hear what you are saying and I understand that he didn’t violate you against your will. He was out of control though and in a manic state and I will need you to report any aggressive behavior like that in the future. If at any time you feel in danger you should call 911. I don’t expect him to hurt you but I also know it would kill him if he did.”

“I just don’t get it” I admit. “Coming back has been really hard but we went through hell on the island too. His life has always been challenging and he has been able to cope before. Even when things were super bad or scary he always bounced back.” He seems to consider this for a moment. “Josh is a remarkably resilient young man” he agrees. “It’s the reason he found so much success early in his life and it is what has enabled him to survive things that would have wiped other people out.”

“Jennifer, when you first started coming to see me you spoke a lot about your anxiety and how it was impacted by things that happened during the time in which you were stranded. You also told me about the things you did to deal with it and how you learned to manage it better. We discussed your listening sessions, your story writing, your visits to the crash site, and the comfort you found in the presence of your husband and the relationship you built with him. Those were all things you did to identify your emotions and trauma, define and measure the scope of your issues, and deal with them in a healthy way so that they could be managed in the day to day. You confronted who you are and what has happened to you in the light of reality and started to process it and move on.” 

I’ve never thought about it in such an orderly and succinct way but I suppose he is right. “Josh on the other hand, had a very different experience over the last 11 or so years. He had one mission living on that island and it was to protect you and keep you alive and he did a marvelous job at it. So good that you actually thrived. You found love together and even started a family. Some elements were extremely difficult for him such as the social isolation and the lack of control he had over the environment. But in other ways your situation fit him quite naturally. There is more than a bit of a savior complex embedded deep within him and he has always loved you.”

“He feels most comfortable in the provider role and there you were, needing him to be the other half of your universe. When he took on the role of lover and then husband and father it gave him direction and purpose. A reason for living and the love and fulfillment his previous life was lacking. The trouble is that his desire to protect you and keep you safe meant that he took all his negative emotions; his fear, his anger, his self-doubt, and his grief and he buried them deep inside so that you couldn’t see any of them. Every time something traumatic happened he logged it away so that he could concentrate on the immediate task of providing security and warmth; first for you and then for your children when they came along. As a result, he has all this awfulness built up inside and the dam is finally breaking. In short, you are about a decade ahead of him in processing this whole thing.”

“I would love to give you oodles of additional insight into him but quite frankly I feel like I am just starting to get to know him myself. He is very charming and friendly and he is superficially very open and warm with others. He is a fantastic listener. But his inner life is guarded very closely and he has yet to be willing to bring all those walls down. However, I have been able to compile a short list of observations that may be useful to you in some way.” He reads them off one by one and I make a mental note of each in turn. 

His childhood was cut short by his early entry into the adult world where he was expected to and did function as a grown man. Because of this, he lacked nurturing and platonic love at key stages of his development and likely craves it now even if he is not aware. 

He has extremely high standards and expectations for himself which he holds no one else to. He lacks the ability to objectively see that these are not possible to achieve on a consistent basis and that his guilt in falling short is unnecessary and debilitating. 

For reasons that I have not been able to completely discern he believes that your relationship is more fragile and vulnerable than it actually is. 

“Thank you” I tell him. “I think I know all of those things but hearing them stated in that way makes me want to spend some more time examining them. What else can I do to help him?” He wipes his glasses with a handkerchief before responding. “Nothing monumental. I will continue to work with him both on his own and in your joint sessions. You aren’t responsible for his feelings and decisions but I believe that you can see now how much what you do can impact him. He needs love and acceptance from you, even when he acts resistant to it. You both also need some additional support from your network.”

He asks for a moment to bring up some of his earlier notes. “I have expressed this need to Josh as well and he believes that his mother will agree to come in and have a discussion with me. It will be great for her to be a part of his healing process if possible, but she needs to be working off of better information and some of her behaviors need to change.” I nod in agreement. “She will come” I say with confidence. “She loves her son. She has made some mistakes but it wasn’t because she doesn’t care about him.” He pauses and gives me the look that he gets before asking me to do something that he knows that I won’t like. 

“It would be best for your family to come in as well” he suggests. I blow out a long breath. “My Mom will” I offer. “But my Dad and my brothers haven’t done so well with Josh, like we have talked about before.” He gives a slight nod. “I know, but your family has played a detrimental role in your marriage and readjustment and I don’t think they fully realize how it has affected you. It would be great for me to see the whole family together some time down the road but for right now I would settle for meeting just with your parents and your brothers if willing to discuss some of the things that they could be doing to support you and what the benefit would be.”

“They won’t come” I tell him. “Perhaps if you were more honest with them about the time that you spent away you might be able to convince them” he suggests. “And it might bring some additional healing and closure to you as well. I know you don’t want to but you asked what you could do to help your husband and this is something that is overdue.” I know that he is right but having those conversations will be so draining. “I have confidence in you” he tells me. “You can be a very persuasive woman when you want to Miss Lawrence.” Before I can stop myself I scowl at him. “Don’t call me that” I snap. “Then don’t call yourself that” he says with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave me your comments, I love to read them and write back to you and I know you like seeing what other people have to say. 
> 
> I have pulled out some notable things to get you thinking:
> 
> Jen's reaction to Josh having to be institutionalized (this isn't an easy thing to go through for either of them). 
> 
> Those medical clothes make it real somehow.
> 
> That is what this has become. It is a rescue mission. 
> 
> He shouldn’t be alone tonight. Bad things happen to us when were are separated. I’ve let him wonder how much I care too many times.
> 
> I guess they don’t want a movie star losing her shit in their lobby tonight. (my favorite line)
> 
> How she fights to stay with him and love on him and protect him. 
> 
> One thing I want to point out is how much trust it showed for Josh to wave his rights to allow the Dr. to talk to Jen about his treatment.
> 
> Your husband is a stuffer. He hides emotions that he finds unacceptable even from himself.
> 
> When he took on the role of lover and then husband and father it gave him direction and purpose. A reason for living and the love and fulfillment his previous life was lacking.
> 
> As a result, he has all this awfulness built up inside and the dam is finally breaking. In short, you are about a decade ahead of him in processing this whole thing.
> 
> Dr. Degregorio's list of three observations all of which are extremely important. 
> 
> The challenge that Dr. Degregorio gives to Jen to talk to her family. 
> 
> “Don’t call me that” I snap. “Then don’t call yourself that” he says with a smile.


	50. Heart to Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh is discharged from the hospital and Jennifer has a serious conversation with her family about her life on the island.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, sorry, sorry. I should have posted that it would be a while before this update. My hubby and I have been in Myrtle Beach for 8 days without the kids. So we were having fun and not thinking about anything but us (wink, wink). It was fabulous to have a break from everything and just feel the love. 
> 
> Thanks for all of your feedback from the last chapter and for all of you who messaged me while I was gone to let me know that I was missed. I love you too.
> 
> This is a much anticipated chapter because I know some of you have been dying for Jen to confront her family and really communicate with them about her history with Josh. This chapter features a pretty extended conversation with them as well as well as the latter part of Josh’s stay in the hospital and his discharge.   
> You have waited patiently for me so I hope you enjoy.

Josh looks a lot better the next day. His hands have stopped shaking and he seems more in control. This of course also means that his embarrassment over the whole incident has returned. “They changed my sleeping pill to something much stronger” he tells me regretfully. “I’m afraid that I won’t hear my phone when you call.” That’s my Joshy. Here he is in a mental institution worrying about my nightmares. “Do you feel ok about being discharged tomorrow?” I ask. He nods. “Yes, I am going to start seeing Dr. D twice a week for a while and take this mood stabilizer. I’ll also be wearing a wristband that records my sleeping patterns and loads them into a website so that you and the doctor can monitor it and hold me accountable. I talked to our Moms too and they are going to help supervise for a while and my Mom has my gun locked up at her place. I don’t think I should be alone with you and the kids until we are completely sure that I can handle it.” 

I give him a scowl and start to protest. “This is what I want” he says bringing his hands to cup my face. “I need to know that you are safe.” He opens his arms and I snuggle close to him and we spend a few moments just breathing each other in. I look at the clock and see that morning visiting hours are over. “I’ll be back later and I am going to bring Tanner” I tell him. He looks concerned. “Please don’t bring Evie” he says. “I don’t want her to see me this way. I hate that I put you through this. I don’t even want you coming here.” I kiss his forehead. “I love you” I tell him. “You can’t keep me away. I agree about Evie, it would upset her. But I’ll bring the baby by tonight. I’m here for you and I want to be and Tanner misses his Daddy.” 

When I come back that night Michelle comes along as well. I can tell she feels uncomfortable about the security doors we pass through and the smell of cleaning solvents. She needs to deal with it though, her son has been hospitalized. He is going to get through it but this is serious and he needs support from all corners. When she leaves to find a place to change Tanner I hear it from him. “Why did you bring her here?” he asks, clearly agitated. “Because she wanted to see you” I tell him. “And because she needs to know how things really are. Stop pretending everything is fine. She can face it Josh. She is strong enough to handle the truth.” 

“I don’t want her to know how weak I am” he tells me. “How much of a lunatic I have become.” I sit on the side of his bed and grab his hand. He tries to remove it but I hold tight. “The doctors here assessed you right?” I ask. He nods his head. “And what did they say?” He takes a deep breath. “That I have PTSD from everything that has happened and insomnia too and that I need some help from the medication for a while until my life stabilizes. I need more therapy and to work through my shit with Dr. D.” He suffers through another round of my kisses to his hair and face. “They are right” I say. “Josh, you have been through a lot. No one knows how much. Even I don’t. But I want to know when you are ready to tell me. You aren’t weak or crazy at all. You are the strongest person I know but you can’t always be bigger than the whole world and everyone needs help sometimes. We both need to make some adjustments and one of those changes is letting people who are adults be adults. Your mother wanted to come see you and she doesn’t need to be protected from what is going on. You need to give her a chance to be supportive and an opportunity to know the real you.”

When Michelle brings Tanner back she sits him on his father’s lap and Josh grins, really grins for the first time since this whole fiasco began. They play peek-a-boo and Tanner keeps giving Josh his nasty open mouthed kisses. Tears start forming as I watch them together. I know this is a hard time but we have so much hope for the future. After an hour or so Tanner starts to tire and lays his cheek down on his father’s chest. Josh gets up and moves to the chair and rocks him to sleep. I am glad I brought him tonight. I can see how much Joy and peace it brings my husband to be with his son again. 

He is discharged the following day and I ask him to come home but he and Dr. Degregorio decide that it would be best for him to return to living on his own. The doctor does not want him to make any big changes or take on more challenges immediately and while he enjoys being with me it can also agitate him and make him feel pressured. I am willing to support anything that will help him to heal. 

My brother Ben’s birthday is the following week and we had all planned to get together at my parent’s house to celebrate. I think I should cancel but Josh doesn’t want me or the kids to miss it and I also need to accept the challenge that Dr. Degregorio gave to me and if he is right it will ultimately help all of us. I go ahead and rsvp and let my parents know that I would like to speak to everyone that night when the kids go to bed. I spend the days in between rehearsing what to say and trying to decide if I should tell them about Zachary. I don’t want to reopen that wound but I also don’t want them to hear it from Evie and I don’t think they can fully understand what we went through without hearing about the baby that we lost. 

Josh visits every day and I stop him when he comes in or before he leaves and hold him and kiss his hair and face. Sometimes he is resistant but I don’t give in. I remember what the doctor said about the lack of nurturing in his life and I recall our early friendship. He always drank that shit up from me. “Stop” he says one day, pushing me back. “I’m not a charity case, you don’t have to caudle me.” I hug him again and refuse to let go. “No” I say. “I let you push me away long enough. We’ve already wasted too much time. I’m going to love on you every time I see you because I want to. I need it and so do you.” He looks as though he may challenge me but I stare him down with my hands on my hips and with my best regal bearing. He doesn’t argue with me again.

The flight to Kentucky is relatively uneventful other than Evie’s complaints about having to sit still. There were a few paps in the airport in LA but I just hurried past them. They come and go and I do my best to ignore them but Evie has been asking more and more questions about it. She knows that we are different but she has a hard time understanding why. She is also very disappointed that she can’t go to some of her favorite places with me or Josh. Her grandmothers and Laura take her to Chuck E Cheese and the Chick-fil-A play place but those are much too public for he or I to go. We draw attention quickly and then people recognize and bother the kids too. A few times strangers have gotten close to Evie and tried to talk to her and take pictures and it was confusing and upsetting for her. 

She is still sulking about being away from her dad for a couple of days but once we arrive the excitement of being with her cousins carries her away. We have a lot of fun playing games and watching Ben open up his presents (half of which are gag gifts). My dad grills out burgers and we have corn on the cob and watermelon too. Ben’s wife is there and I get a chance to really catch up with her for the first time since being back. 

When evening rolls around I give Tanner a bath and lay him down with a sipper cup in the spare room he will be sharing with myself and Evie. She has been watching movies in the living room with my nephews and when I come in to get her I see that they are watching the final scene from Mockingjay Part 2. “Look” Bear tells her. “That’s me. The handsome little blonde kid. I told you I was famous.” She stares at the screen and brings a hand out as if to touch it. “And that’s my mom and dad?” she asks. “Yeah” Bear confirms. “Before their plane crashed they were really famous movie stars. That’s what everyone is always talking and freaking out about all the time.” She crinkles her nose. “They look funny.” 

“Come here little lion” I say picking her up. “Bear was showing me about when you and daddy were Katniss and Peeta. He said you were movie stars together and that’s how you met.” I kiss her little forehead. “That’s right. Your daddy was very handsome huh?” She wrinkles her nose again and she looks so much like me that I laugh. “He looked weird. He had blonde hair and your hair was brown and you look a lot different now.” I laugh again. “Thanks darling, remind me that I am getting old.” She is exhausted and once I have her cleaned up she is asleep in a matter of minutes. 

The party continues and my brothers are trying to start a campfire. I shake my head and walk up and have it blazing in about 2 minutes. They stare at me and I shrug my shoulders. How the fuck do they think I survived in the wilderness for 10 years? We hang out and tease the boys about potential girlfriends until Ben asks the older kids to turn in as well and it is just the adults remaining around the ring of stone. It feels fitting somehow, that I should share this part of my life with them in a setting that has become so familiar to me. 

“Jennifer” my mother begins. “You said you had something that you wanted to talk to us about?” she asks hopefully. “Oh, God, please don’t tell us you’re pregnant” Blaine blurts out. I turn to give him a death stare. “I’m not, at least not that I know of, but thanks for making something that would make me very happy sound so awful.” He has the decency to look guilty and embarrassed at his outburst. I look around at each face in turn. This is so hard to do, so difficult to talk about. None of them will understand. 

“Actually, I need your help with something” I begin. “Josh isn’t doing very well.” Blaine lets out a huff. “So this is about him” he mutters. I choose to ignore him. “Our whole family is struggling. Being on the island was difficult but in a lot of ways coming back has been even harder. Before I left on that trip I always felt incredibly loved and supported by all of you and since I have been back I’ve only felt that from Mom.” My father looks very sad and comes over to sit by me and put a hand on my shoulder. 

“That isn’t all your fault though. I haven’t been very open to you and I haven’t talked to you about a lot of the things that happened while I was away. I’ve thought about it and when we were close I shared things about myself with you and I didn’t do that when I got back and it’s time that I did. I’m hoping that after you hear the whole story you will be more interested in being involved in my life again and that you will understand my family better too. Some of this will be hard for me to talk about and I would appreciate it if you don’t interrupt and don’t judge me too harshly.” My father takes my hand and gives it a reassuring pat. Ben and his wife nod and wait for me to continue. It is only Blaine who remains detached. He slumps forward and stares at the ground. 

“I remember the plane plummeting to the ground and Josh does too” I begin. “We were sitting up spending some time together coming back from the tour and I remember him grabbing me right before it crashed. When I woke up everyone was dead except for us. I freaked out. I mean, just had a total breakdown. I couldn’t cope with the things that I saw. I checked out mentally and just sat on the beach day after day. Josh took care of me. He fed me and gave me water every day. He drank the island water first to see if he would get sick and he nearly starved until we figured out how to grow and catch our food because he fed almost everything we recovered from the crash to me.” The memories come flooding back and only now do I understand just how many sacrifices he made. How much he loved me even then. 

I start to get emotional and tears run down my face. It has been a while since I revisited this period and it is still very raw. “It was… I can’t even tell you how awful it was. And I just abandoned him to deal with it all by himself. He took their bodies and he burned them and he spread the ashes. I mean… he had to build fires on his friends decomposing bodies and watch them burn up. He did it so that I wouldn’t have to see them again and so that we wouldn’t get sick, and because the birds kept coming and pecking at them. He has never told me that because he doesn’t talk about it but he dreams about it sometimes.”

I sniff and wipe my nose on my sleeve. “In time we figured things out but the conditions were still difficult. We got sick too. There were so many times when we wondered if both of us would wake up in the morning. He had a fever that I thought he would die from but I nursed him back to health and I got horribly ill during a drought and I knew that I wasn’t going to live. I just knew it. He bathed me and fed me and cared for me. He promised me a life back here. He said he would give me a house full of children and that we could have horses and it kept me fighting. I stayed alive for that future with him.”

I look at Blaine who is now sitting on the edge of his seat looking astonished and hanging on every word that I say. “We didn’t become lovers right away. It wasn’t long before I wanted to but he held out for a whole year. He had guilt about his girlfriend back here and he was afraid of what you would think too. He didn’t want to take advantage of me and he didn’t. We needed each other. We already had an incredibly strong bond and it grew into more. We fell in love. I asked him to make love to me so that I could have a child but he wouldn’t. Not for a long time. He was so afraid of getting me pregnant.”

“I know it is strange to you when Evie says she wants to go back there but it wasn’t all bad. We swam and grew a garden and did everything together as a family. When we weren’t sick and the weather cooperated it was a beautiful paradise. Josh used to pick me flowers and put them on my pillow. We also found talents that we never knew we had and developed them. I’m a good climber and Josh is an amazing diver and fishermen. We are also great at gardening. I can sow and he can whittle wood. We made all of Evie’s toys.”

My father’s hand is gripping mine tightly and I give it a loving squeeze in return. “He didn’t force me into any kind of permanent relationship, I asked him to marry me. We had a wedding day that I will always remember and it was very special to me. We said our vows over the Bible and swam together and had a picnic. I’ve been his wife in my heart every day since. When I told him I was pregnant with Evie he cried. He was scared and disappointed in himself for putting me at risk. But it was a chance that I wanted to take. I have always wanted to be a mother and we didn’t know if we would ever be rescued.”

“I was in labor a long time and in the very hottest part of the day” I recall rolling my eyes. “Josh delivered her and stitched me up and we were a family.” My voice starts to tremble and my lower lip to quiver. “It’s ok sweetheart” my mother sooths. “You can tell us anything. We only want to help you.” I nod and do my best not to sob but just let silent tears of pain fall. “We had another child” I get out. Every face perks up and peers at me with concern and compassion. 

“A few years after Evie. I was pregnant but not far enough along and Evie got really sick. We spent a few days tending her and I started to bleed. We had a little boy but he…Josh delivered him but he was already dead.” My father holds me, really holds me for the first time since I was a girl. “Shh” he whispers to me. “Baby, I’m so sorry.” I let him hug me for a few minutes before I pull back and wipe my face on my shirtsleeve again. “It was so hard for both of us but I got a fever from infection right away. Josh took care of me and Evie and he had to bury Zachary by himself.” 

“I had a lot of problems with depression and anxiety after he died. Things were tough for our family but Josh stood by me. He loved me through everything and helped me do the things that I needed to do to get better. That’s how we started writing and telling stories. It helped us to gets things out and cope with everything that happened to us. I was doing a lot better by the time the boat found us and I was pregnant again with Tanner.” 

My father is on my side again. I can tell it. I turn to my brothers. “We’ve been going to see a Psychiatrist since we have been back and it has helped, but we need more support from both of our families. Josh and I need to be together. We need to make things work. We still love each other and we have Evie and Tanner and no one else could possibly understand the things that have happened to us. Not just the island, but the Hunger Games, losing Woody and Liam, everything. Our doctor, Dr. Degregorio wants our family to come in and meet with him so that he can tell you more about PTSD and what you can do to be there for us. Will you come and meet with him? And will you please stop treating Josh so harshly? There is no way in hell I would have ever come home if he hadn’t spent the last decade fighting for me and loving me every minute.”

I can tell that my confessions have had a big impact on them. Everyone is crying. Ben and his wife both hug me and tell me that they will do anything to support us. My father is more overcome with emotion than I have ever seen and he keeps kissing my forehead and apologizing and telling me that he loves me. My mother pledges to keep helping us in every way that she can. “I already love that boy” she tells me. “You know that right?” I nod and hug her and thank her for everything she has already given me and the kids. Blaine is the last to stand and I am surprised and relieved when he agrees to come along with everyone else for the family session. He hugs me but when he pulls away he walks straight back into the house. His eyes look haunted and I’m still not sure that I have truly reached him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been a while so I can’t wait to get some feedback from you! 
> 
> Jen didn’t want to talk to her family but she stepped up to the plate and did it. What did you think? This wasn’t easy for her and I am proud that she got so vulnerable. Seems like she reached her folks and Ben. Blaine is still acting strangely though. What are your thoughts on his reaction? There is also some other important stuff in here from earlier on so let me pull a few things out to get your thoughts on those parts as well.
> 
> Josh thinking of Jen (her nightmares and safety) even when he is in such bad shape himself.
> 
> Josh and Tanner at the hospital (aww). This is for all of you who said you wanted to see more of him. 
> 
> Michelle coming to the hospital and Josh’s reaction to it. Jen pushes him on this one. I would love your thoughts on this whole scenario and interaction. 
> 
> “You need to give her a chance to be supportive and an opportunity to know the real you.”- This isn’t just true with his mother. This is a problem he has in his relationship with his wife too. 
> 
> Jen loving on Josh even when he is resistant. 
> 
> Evie seeing her parents in The Hunger Games for the first time and her reaction to it.


	51. Test Scores

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen's folks come for a visit while meeting with the doctor and Jen and Josh have an interesting conversation over Evie's test scores.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for the great feedback on the last chapter, keep it coming!
> 
> I am going to do something a little different with the next few updates and make them smaller but a lot closer together than they would otherwise be. The next section is packed with important stuff and I am interested in getting thoughts and feedback on it. We are about to get more insight into Josh, his past and his family.

When we get back from Kentucky, Evie’s tutor mentions to me that she is advancing extraordinarily well in her school work and that she would like to have her take a test to measure her IQ. It sounds interesting so I agree and don’t give it a second thought. My parents will be coming next week to meet with the doctor and they want to take us all out for dinner. I invite Josh when he comes over that evening and he reluctantly agrees. He is surprised that I have convinced them both to come. 

“My brothers are going to dial in on a conference line too” I say smiling proudly. “What did you do? Lay down in front of Blaine’s car?” He jokes. I reach out and take his hand. “I told them the truth. The whole truth about what happened on the island. I even told them about Zachary.” He nods and pulls me close. Thank God, he isn’t mad at me. “My Mom went” he tells me. “She said it was really informative and Dr. Degregorio gave her some things to work on and a book about PTSD. She is going to start seeing him once a month for a while.” 

The dinner with my parents goes well. Tanner throws food all over the floor but Evie is very impressed with her quantity of spaghetti. They share a little about their session and confirm that they also received books to read. That night when we get home and get the kids to bed we sit in the living room and visit a while. Now that my Dad isn’t being unreasonably rude he finds that he and Josh can talk sports together and the whole thing feels infinitely less strained than in the past. 

Before they start to leave my father shakes Josh’s hand. “My daughter told us what happened while you were gone son and I’m really sorry that I misjudged you.” Josh looks shocked but just nods his head. “It’s ok, I understand. I have a daughter too.” My father claps him on the shoulder. “Then you understand how grateful I am to you for everything you have done for my girl. I don’t expect you to forgive us right away but I hope that we can start doing more things together as a family and get to know each other better. You have been the bigger man since the two of you got back and its past time for me and my boys to respect your place in Jennifer’s life and be supportive of you both.” We are impressed with his change in attitude and I can see the tension ease from my husband’s body. 

After they go Josh and I stay and talk for a while and I remember the results that Evie’s tutor gave me. I meant to review them with him and in the confusion of the visit I completely forgot. I get up and bring the envelope over. “What’s this?” he asks. “Evie’s IQ test results” I tell him. He looks at the papers uncomfortably. “Oh, my bad” I say. “Did you not want me to have her tested? I’m sorry, I didn’t think to ask. I just thought it would be something that we might want to know.” He scratches the back of his neck and thinks about it. “I’m ok as long as we don’t make a big deal about it. I don’t want to put a lot of pressure on her. I want her to be able to be herself and do the things that kids do and enjoy her life.” 

We open it up and see a 158. Josh lets out a long whistle. “That’s pretty high isn’t it?” I have to ask because I am an idiot who once tattooed the wrong periodic table symbol on her hand. “Yeah” he confirms. “It’s genius level.” High IQ runs in his family which is one of the reasons I thought we should have it measured. “Is it higher than Connor’s I ask?” He nods. “Yes, some. He is like a 150.” When Connor was younger he received a perfect 36 on his ACT and competed in problem solving competitions. “What’s yours?” I ask him. “Don’t know” he tells me, placing the papers on the table. I give him a questioning look. 

“I’ve never been tested” he clarifies. “Why not?” I ask. “I see you playing strategy games all the time and you have always been about a million times smarter than me and Liam.” The reference to our old interview games makes us both laugh. “It was a lose, lose for me” he says. “Being smart was Connor’s thing. If I tested lower than him he was better and he would never let me forget it. If I tested higher I would steal his thunder and his identity in our family. Besides, I made my money as a pre-teen and then a teen heartthrob. The last thing I wanted to be perceived as was a geek. And before you give me a lecture I know that being intelligent doesn’t make you geeky. But I was already small, if people thought I was super intellectual it would have made the sex appeal that much harder to sell.” I give him a look of disbelief and he shrugs. “It’s the world we live in” he reminds me. Unfortunately, he is right and that makes me even more angry. Not at him, at everyone, at the unfairness of it all. 

We talk it over and decide not to share her score with others including her. We can explain it to her when she is older but for now we don’t want family and friends treating her differently. We also don’t know where Tanner will fall on the spectrum and don’t wish to single her out over her sibling. We do sit down and discuss it with her tutor and select a mix of curriculum to keep her challenged but still on age appropriate topics. 

Josh seems more stable every time I see him and I feel like the immediate crisis has passed. He has started to spend longer days at the house again and no longer insists on supervised visitation with us. Dr. Degregorio even thinks that he will not have to take his mood stabilizer much longer. Just getting him past the insomnia and having regular sleep has done wonders. He has started to kiss me goodnight again before returning to his apartment in the evenings and sometimes he stays later and it leads to more. It’s not enough though. I need him back in my arms and in my life full time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this one was short but I warned you that probably the next three updates will be but it is too much ground to cover in just one chapter and it is some of my favorite stuff in the whole story. 
> 
> BTW- Josh's brother is a genius who scored perfect on his ACT and has competed in problem solving competitions at a global level. That reference is real life. 
> 
> Please let me know your thoughts on the topics below:
> 
> Jen's father's reaction to Josh now that he knows the whole story. 
> 
> Josh's mother working on things with Dr. D. 
> 
> Josh's reaction to Evie having her IQ tested and to the results. 
> 
> What do you think of their decision on what to do with the test score results?
> 
> What does it say about Josh and about how much he cares for his brother that he never had his IQ tested (I will give you a hint, he knows that he is not a dummy)?
> 
> What does what Josh says about what would have happened if his score was higher say about Josh's family and the world he grew up in?
> 
> Josh says that being known as overly smart would have hurt his career in Hollywood and although she hates it Jen has to agree. What does that say about our world and how young Josh had to find his place in it?
> 
> So much to think about and so much insight to be had in this little nugget of an update.


	52. The Conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen gets an invite to visit Michelle and an enlightening conversation and chain of events occur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took my family to see The Hunger Games Exhibition in Louisville today and it was great. It is a must see if you love the books or movies and it ever comes close to you. It has a lot of sets, props, and costumes as well as good commentary on what inspired Susan Collins and how the locations were chosen and how they made the sets and films. 
> 
> If I had to list my favorite chapters from this work this one is in the top 3 so please read and read carefully or reread if you love this story and leave me some thoughts and feedback. 
> 
> This update has several parts to it and I eagerly anticipate hearing from you about each one. Jen will understand Josh a little better at the end of it and so will we. 
> 
> Happy Father's day to anyone that applies to, especially este13.

I get a call from Michelle one day out of the blue asking me to come over and see her house. She says that she has spoken with Dr. Degregorio a couple of times and that she has some things that she wants to discuss with me. I agree and head over the next day. 

When my driver arrives at the address I find a simple but cozy little house in the suburbs. There are a couple of toys on the porch and a sign that says welcome. When she leads me inside I see that it is tastefully decorated but not extravagant. A plastic kitchen with play food stands in the living room along with a Step 2 toy box. This is where my children go when they visit their father or grandmother. I like that they have been able to have something so basic and normal, but feel a bit left out since this is the first time I have been invited over. She offers me coffee and we sit and stare at each other. 

“I know what you must be thinking” she says gesturing towards her home. “Connor let me know that he told you.” I shake my head. “You have been very supportive of me and I’m not thinking anything” I reassure her. “It didn’t start out like this” she says. “I used to work for an airline and then I had the boys. Josh had this amazing talent and he wanted to act so I started taking him in to read and he kept getting call backs. The jobs got bigger and bigger and pretty soon it seemed like a better idea to invest and focus on him.” 

She stirs her coffee and looks up to gage my reaction and I smile and gesture for her to continue. “Slowly, little bit by little bit his acting and Connor’s studies became my whole life. They were both so handsome and successful and everyone loved them, especially Josh. I was really proud. When he was cast for Hunger Games we were on top of the world. He had such a great time working with everybody and all he could do was talk about you and Liam and Sam. Then he went on that last press tour and never came home. My boy who was the light of my life just disappeared. Then my husband got sick, the money ran out, Connor and I fought all the time. Eventually, he turned against me completely.” 

I don’t even realize that I have taken her hand until I look down. “I made a lot of mistakes raising my sons and they are paying for them now” she admits. “Maybe in some ways” I agree. “But they are both amazingly successful and caring men. I would say you did a great job.” She smiles as if thanking me for an undeserved kindness. “I pushed my boys. I pushed them hard sometimes. Told them some difficult truths when I probably should have waited a few more years or never come down that hard at all. I thought that I was preparing them. That showing them that success is measured in results and not in excuses was the right lesson. I knew that Josh would face harsh reviews by critics and lots of rejection when reading for parts. I taught him to keep working, to be tough and not to be a cry baby. I didn’t mean to, but I taught him that value and worth are earned by what you do and what you are able to accomplish and not by who you are.”

When she looks up at me a tear slips down her cheek. “And those lessons served him well. He was one of the brightest young stars of your generation. I taught him the things that he needed to succeed and that type of self-discipline and drive prepared him to face everything that he had to do…until now. He is completely at a loss as to how to tackle this task in front of him.” I give her a questioning look. “Accept unconditional love from a woman that he views as his better in virtually every way” she clarifies. 

“That is ridiculous” I sputter. “Not to my son it isn’t” she insists. “Most of it is my fault. His father and I treated him like his worth was the sum of his results. He has measured both of your columns and knows that his is smaller. You have more fame, more money, more awards, you are the more talented actor and writer.” I put up a hand to stop her but she continues. “I know exactly what you are going to say but I am telling you that he doesn’t see it that way. When he first met you I warned him off. I told him that you would be an excellent person to establish a friendship with but that I wouldn’t recommend going farther than that. You were going on to bigger and better things and I didn’t want you to hurt his heart or damage his image. My husband and I warned him that you were out of his league.”

“I realize now what a mistake that was. I should have kept my mouth shut and let him listen to his heart. Despite everything, he is so understanding and caring and loving with other people. He never judges anyone when they fail and always has a kind word and a caring nature. That is all him. Looking back, it is amazing that life never beat it out of him. But his internal dialogue is relentless and he cannot give himself the same grace.”

She stands up suddenly and peers out the window and down the street. “I need to show you so that you can understand” she tells me and grabs my arm and quickly takes me to a broom closet with a slotted folding door. Opening it up she ushers me inside and then slides it shut. I can see through the slats but just barely. “Shh” she tells me. “Just stay there and don’t make a sound.” I am completely and utterly confused until I hear the door open and my husband’s voice enter the room. 

They exchange greetings and chit chat for a few minutes about the kids. I am starting to feel more and more ridiculous until a change in topic piques my interest. “So, how are things going with Jennifer?” Michelle asks casually. “I…well I just don’t know” he sighs. “I’ve tried for a long time now to give her more space but she keeps insisting that she wants to stay together.” Well, at least he has been hearing that loud and clear. “And that’s not what you want?” she asks. 

“Of course that’s what I want” he tells her, annoyance seeping into his voice. “Josh, you’ve cared for that girl since the day you came home from the first reading for Hunger Games raving about her. What’s going on with you? Why haven’t you gone back to live with her and your children? You still love her don’t you?” I hear him let out a frustrated breath. I can’t see him but I know that he is running his hand through his hair. 

“Jennifer” he says my name as if in awe. “She’s…well you’ve seen her she is beyond beautiful.” I flush. Wow! He really does believe that. “And her humor is brilliant. She is an unbelievable actress and writer. The best mother I could have ever imagined for my children. She loves to play and it brings out this side of me that no one else can. We just do stupid stuff but it’s amazing because she is so special and she makes silliness so sexy. She feels things so deep, the way I’ve always wanted but never had enough guts to. She brings things to life in a way that I can’t explain.” His words surprise me. He never talks this way.

I hear Michelle snort at his flight of fancy. “So you are still madly in love with her. Now I am even less certain why you would choose to live apart.” I hear him flop down in a chair. “Because you don’t get to keep a woman like that” he tells her. “At least a guy like me doesn’t. Not really, not the way I want to. Every time I try I just hurt her. I put her in danger on the island when I got her pregnant. I scared her and made her cry when I freaked out about what happened with Chris and Nick. I’m so screwed up right now. She deserves someone who can give her more than I can. She is going to realize that someday and I still want her to be my friend. I’m not sure that is even possible anymore. I just don’t want to hold her back. I don’t want her to settle for me because we made promises to each other on the island and she feels guilty. I am acting again and doing some producing, maybe if I can get to some Directing… then maybe… we’ll have to see.”

Through the slats I see his mother take the seat opposite him. “Who is this mythical creature you are talking about?” She questions. “Because I have gotten to know her pretty well and she is a wonderful girl but she has her faults and struggles too.” I crack open the door so that I can see them and he waves his hand dismissively. “She has her anxiety true but that doesn’t bother me. It breaks my heart that it hurts her sometimes but at least it gives me a chance to hold her for a while.” 

I can hear Michelle sigh. “Josh, listen to me. I was wrong in what I told you when you were younger. Jennifer loves you and she and your children need you to come home. She will support you if you want to be a director but she isn’t waiting for you to become something better. You are already enough for her. You’re her best friend and she wants to have a life with you. Don’t turn your back on it just because I was a shitty mother.”

“Mom” he exclaims in surprise. “You were a great mother. You have always done everything you can to support me.” I can tell the direction of the conversation is making him upset. “I did what I knew how to do” Michelle concedes. “I set you up for success on the stage but it took losing you to realize how wrong I was sometimes. It took losing you and seeing someone else love you the way I should have been all along. I’m sorry honey and I am learning to do better but you don’t have to repeat my mistakes. Take this chance with her. Take it before it is too late and your life has passed you by.” His mother argues with him a few more times that he ought to fully reconcile with me and he agrees to think about it just to get her off his back.

I pull the door closed again when I hear them stand up and there is some commotion as they gather and then load whatever it is that he came to pick up. The inside of my mind is racing. Michelle clearly invited him over to set this up. I have never heard him talk about me that way before. I will leave here with a few additional insights. He is still head over heels in love and that makes my heart soar. I never thought anyone could be so crazy over me. He knows me inside and out and still finds me to be exactly what he desires. I would be deliriously happy except that I still don’t know how to fix us. How to get him to accept that I feel the same. 

After a few minutes of silence Michelle comes back in alone and I come out of hiding. “You see” she tells me. “That is how he really sees things.” I sit at the table lay my head in my arms. “I don’t know what to do” I admit. “I don’t know how to change his mind. I’ve tried. I tell him that I love him all the time. I tell him what he means to me. We spend time together, we make love. I don’t know how to get this broken record to stop playing in his head. And I am so fucking frustrated because I put it there.” She gives me a doubtful look. “Ok” I concede “We put it there. Way back before the crash I said some stupid things about him to a friend that got back to him.” Her mouth forms a thin line. I can tell this is news to her. “How can we blame him for these kinds of doubts?” I ask her. “My family has told him he isn’t good enough, your family has told him he isn’t good enough, hell, I’ve even told him that he isn’t. We are the most important people in his life. He trusted us and we failed him.” 

Michelle grabs her jacket and picks up her keys. “I want to show you something else” she tells me. I recognize the way back to my house but I don’t question her. When we get close we take the same turn that I did with Connor and I realize that she is taking me to Josh’s apartment. “Have you seen where he lives?” she asks. I shake my head. “I didn’t think so” she replies. We walk two flights of stairs and I can tell by how close the doors are together that they aren’t very big. 

She uses her key and I step into a small but efficient one bedroom apartment. This is why he doesn’t bring the kids here. There is no room for them to play. He isn’t living in poverty or anything but compared to the opulence I live in it is painfully simple. This is what he could afford and live two minutes from us. She directs me through the living and kitchen area and into his bedroom. I feel strange seeing the quarters that he clearly never intended me to. I glance around the room and a breath catches in my throat. 

One wall is completely covered with pictures of Evie and Tanner which I fully expected. The other boasts a couple of photos of us and a couple of just me. One is the two of us together as Katniss and Peeta in the woods of North Carolina goofing off between takes. We are both grinning ear to ear with our arms around each other. We look like a couple of kids away at summer camp. I guess in a way we were. Another is a portrait of all 4 of us shortly after Tanner was born. I smile at the third but don’t recall it being taken. I’m turned to the side, my hand resting on my giant belly, my eyes fixed on the baby I was so close to delivering. I walk over and run my hand over the pane of glass holding the fourth. I’m young, maybe 21. He must have taken it from his camera phone because I have no makeup on and I am laughing, all pudgy cheeks and I still have fucking bangs. This is how he sees me, the girl I was before everything changed and there were an army of people telling me how to look, what to wear, and who to care about. This is who he fell in love with the first time. 

I step back and take in his full sized bed and plain black comforter. There isn’t room for much else, just a nightstand by the bed and I laugh to myself when I see the phone I gave him sitting on it. At least I have given him plenty of material for his spank bank. I am just about to turn and leave when I see it. Sitting beside and almost under the phone. I step over and pick it up. The black cord twists around my fingers as I stare at the metallic rectangle that he hung on my neck so many years ago. I turn and look at Michelle. “The locket” I say. “Yes” she says nodding. “It was the only thing he took from the set when you finished filming. It was important to him and I just couldn’t stand to part with it after he…after the plane crashed. It was one of the first things he asked about when he came home.” 

I cradle it in my fist for a few minutes and say a prayer that we can fix this. My hand moves to cover my mouth as a wave of emotion swells inside of me and I fight to hold back the tears. I want the boy who gave this to me so badly. Then I return it to its proper place and take one more look around. This is his life: me and the kids. It always has been even during this time spent living apart. I stop at the door and give Michelle a hug. “Thank you for bringing me here” I tell her. “I’m not sure how but I’m going to figure out a way to reach him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love, love, love this update for a few reasons. 
> 
> 1\. We get more insight into Josh and his past. 
> 
> 2\. We get to see Jen hear how he talks about her when she is not around. 
> 
> 3\. The scene when she sees his bedroom is one of the more memorable ones that I believe I was able to create and it sticks with you. (the pictures he chose of her and the locket, beautiful). 
> 
> This is one of my favorite passages because Jennifer has not truly seen it until Michelle reveals it in this moment and it is one of the big themes and challenges:
> 
> I taught him the things that he needed to succeed and that type of self-discipline and drive prepared him to face everything that he had to do…until now. He is completely at a loss as to how to tackle this task in front of him.” I give her a questioning look. “Accept unconditional love from a woman that he views as his better in virtually every way” she clarifies. 
> 
> The chapter is broken into three parts. I would love to hear your thoughts on one of them or all three. 
> 
> The conversation between Jen and Michelle.
> 
> The conversation between Josh and Michelle.
> 
> The visit to Josh's apartment. 
> 
> Oh, I am so excited because I just love this update. A little bit of a cliffy at the end though. She has more information now. This is a tough one though and she is going to have to figure out her next move.


	53. Blaine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer and Blaine have a conversation that will change how she thinks about everything that has happened since she arrived back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a smaller update but boy is it pretty darn informative. For those of you who have been hounding me for once about the lunch with Blaine at the hospital this update is for you. 
> 
> I am letting you in on this little secret along with Jennifer so make sure to give me some feedback in return. Does this change the way you have been seeing some things?

That night is a rough one. I toss and turn and when I finally doze off I dream of Woody and Liam. I wake with a start, my belly twisted with anxiety induced cramping. I don’t know what to do. The ball is in my court and I can’t help him. Woody knew us both so well. If he were here he could make one if his half profound, half-crazy speeches and get Josh to see reason. Liam could play messenger, be the go between to bridge things and get the conversation going and then we could work it out. They are both dead, floating in the ocean somewhere after being burned into a million flakes of ash. 

I throw up two times before sending the text. 

Jen: Please come. I know it is late but I need you. 

He doesn’t text me back and I think it’s possible he cannot hear his phone through the haze of his sleep aid. Or perhaps he has heard and just doesn’t want to come. Maybe he will choose to just roll over and doze off again. Instead, I hear my door open 20 minutes later and I lift the side of my covers so that he can slide inside. His arms reach for me and I bury my face in his neck. His sight, sound and scent overwhelm me and I stop thinking. I quit missing Woody and Liam and abandon the effort to solve the puzzle of bringing him fully back to me. Instead, I breathe deep and allow the thudding of his heart and the rhythm of his hands rubbing circles on my back lull me to sleep. 

When I open my eyes, light is just starting to show behind the curtains. Josh is snoring softly and I can’t help but kiss his temple. He snuggles closer and mutters my name. “I’m here” I whisper and his eyes flutter open. “You had an episode last night” he says. It is not a question. I nod. “Thank you for coming” I tell him softly. He strokes my hair between his thumb and forefinger. “I’ll always come” he reassures me. “I really miss you” I say. “I know. I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well” he answers in concern. “Even when I am doing fine, I still really miss you” I clarify. 

I lay my head on his shoulder and snuggle up against him. I hope that it can last. That the kids will stay asleep just a few more minutes. “Do you know what I liked best about the island?” I ask quietly. “The low tax rate and affordable cost of living?” he answers without missing a beat. I giggle. His humor is pretty quick and I love him. When our laughter quiets I answer him seriously. “Taking care of each other. I mean I know we still do but it isn’t the same. I miss picking fruit so that you can have something to eat and gathering wood so that we can cook together. I want you to comb my hair out with your fingers while I mend your shorts. There is something about that kind of life. About meeting those kinds of needs for each other that is really powerful. I felt special in a way that I hadn’t before.”

I take a long pause and look over to see that he is listening intently. “That was the happiest I have ever been in my whole life” I admit. He looks surprised. “It has taken me a long time to admit it” I divulge. “It’s a hard thing to say because it makes me feel like a wanted the crash and I didn’t. But it’s the truth. It was the best time for me in most ways and I really want to work hard to have that with you again. This context is different but I want to feel that closeness.” He nods but remains distant and I don’t know what to make of it as he holds me tenderly and strokes my hair and back in bewildering silence.

The kids have a play date that morning at Laura’s house and I ask Josh if he can drop them off on his way to work. I need to get some writing done. I hunker down in my office but can’t concentrate. I move to the balcony hoping for some serenity but it is no use. I can’t work. All I can think about is how to make things right with him. I concoct a hundred scenarios and believe that I will fail in all of them. 

My phone vibrates and I see Blaine’s name on my screen. I let it go to voicemail. I am not in the mood today. He calls again 20 minutes later and I ignore it. 

Blaine: Call me. We need to talk. 

Blaine: This is important 

I roll my eyes and return the call. “Hey Jen” he starts off cautiously. “I need to talk to you about something and you are not going to be happy with me.” Shocker. “What are you in jail or something?” I half joke. “I wish I were” he says. “It would be easier to tell you than this.” Now he has me worried. “What’s going on Blaine?” I ask. There is a long pause and I can here that his breathing is accelerating. “When you and Josh got back I did something very stupid. I told him that you wanted your old life back and that you wished you wouldn’t have married him. I said that you were going to try to make it work because you felt bad about the promises you made to him and for the sake of the kids but that you felt really trapped.” 

For a moment I cannot believe what I’m hearing. Then I see red. “What the fuck Blaine?” I scream into the phone. “You told him that you thought that is what I wanted?” Silence again. “No” he admits. “I told him that you told me those things and that you were just trying to find a way to let him down easy. I said that you had a lot of guilt about not loving him since he saved your life. I told Dad some things like that too.” The phone slips out of my hands. That god damned lunch at the hospital. My brother, my own flesh and blood betrayed me and my baby wasn’t even two days old. Oh my God, poor Josh! And after all the time I spent on the island telling him about how close Blaine and I are and how well he knows me and how I always told him everything. No wonder he believed him. 

I scoop my phone off the floor and give serious thought to throwing it out the window. No, he needs to hear it from me first. “You bastard” I yell. “I was trying to do the right thing” he tries to interject. “By driving my husband away?” I ask. “By separating my children from their father? Fuck you! You weren’t trying to the right thing, you were trying to make me like you. What? Your misery needed company? I can’t believe this. Do you know that he was having thoughts of killing himself? My best friend and the love of my life could be dead because of you.” He tries to say more but I keep screaming over him. “Fuck off! Do not come around me or my family again.” I end the call and throw it as hard as I can against the wall. 

Tears begin to fall as I drop to my knees and sink to the floor. It’s unreal that my own brother, who I have loved so much my whole life did this to me. So many things make sense now. Blaine told him that I was unhappy, that I wanted to end things but was keeping him around out of obligation. Then I kept my maiden name, he saw me at the club with Chris, his financial situation was falling apart, I let my family treat him so badly, I went back to Kentucky for Christmas, I pulled that ridiculous stunt with Nick. 

That’s why he questioned me about Tanner’s name, why he signed the prenuptial agreement, why he moved out. He was trying to give me the space he thought I wanted and attempting to keep his own heart from breaking. Despite everything that I owe him, he set me free to live the life that I wanted and took nothing. But then I did so many unexpected things. I came on to him at the pool party, I went to couples therapy, I followed him out to New York. He has to have been so confused. But he stayed. Through everything he came every time I asked him. He loves me even more than I thought. 

I want to rush over to the studio and tell him that I love him and that Blaine is a liar. Unfortunately, I know that it wouldn’t be enough to reconcile us in the end. Blaine’s lies were an injection of poison that he only succumbed to because he was already vulnerable to the venom. I need to go back to the beginning. Need to convince him of forever. This has to be healed from the inside out. I call my mother and ask if she would be willing to watch the kids for a few days later this week. I need to do some soul searching. I need to go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, I need some of your thoughts on this one. The obvious one is that Blaine is a total ass. Beyond that though here are some of other take aways to comment on. 
> 
> Jen has one of her episodes in this chapter and we haven't seen one in a while. She is really starting to feel the pressure mounting to do something to work this out. 
> 
> Jen also reflects a little on why she felt the time on the island was so special and is now able to admit just how it made her feel. This shows some good progress for her. 
> 
> That phone call with Blaine. That one is really something. I think many of you knew that he told Josh something pretty nasty but he didn't just berate or accuse him. He exploited his trust and vulnerability in the absolute worst possible way by saying those things and that they came from Jen herself. 
> 
> Josh believed Blaine. For one thing he has some experience with Jen talking behind his back while acting another way towards him face to face. These lies have had a huge impact on all his thoughts and actions since Tanner was born. I would love to hear some reflection on that. Jen can now see the last year and half with new eyes and we should be able too. Josh should have confronted her about this. He shouldn't have just moved out without discussing it but he was in a pretty rough spot. The woman he loved and had spent the last decade bonding with and sacrificing for didn't love him and wanted out. I don't know about you but I couldn't face it. He kept working on it too. I think he didn't want to trap her and live with a person who didn't love him but he was also still hoping to change her mind. 
> 
> Take a few minutes and think back about everything that has happened since the birth of Tanner and that all of it happened with this as the backdrop for Josh. Pretty big implications here. 
> 
> Jen does get one thing now and she is right. Blaine’s lies were an injection of poison that he only succumbed to because he was already vulnerable to the venom. The lies are a big part of the issue but they aren't the only thing wrong. The fix is bigger than just telling him that Blaine lied. He also admits to lying to their father about it. Maybe explains the quick turn about Dad had once Jen told them all the truth.


	54. Soul Searching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer visits her home state of Kentucky in an effort to think things through and make some decisions about her relationship with her husband and the future of her family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a million times over to everyone who left me feedback on the last chapter and a lot of you did. You make all of this writing worth it when I know that you are thinking about the characters and enjoying seeing how their paths unfold.
> 
> This one swings the focus back to Jen as she takes a trip back home to revisit some old haunts and put her life and marriage into perspective. 
> 
> The new characters mentioned in this chapter are minor and are original characters created by me. 
> 
> Warning: This chapter contains some religious (Christian) themes. But quite frankly so have a few other chapters as that is the tradition that both of the main characters come from.

I don’t end up needing my mother because Josh volunteers to take some time off and stay at the house with the kids. He cups my cheek and kisses me goodbye at the door. When he moves to retreat I pull him back and rub my tongue against his repeatedly. I want a real farewell kiss and he takes the hint and brings his other hand to my hair while he presses me against the wall. I wonder for a moment if we have time for a quickie before I recall that Evie is standing right behind us. I push him back just as his hands move up to claim my breasts. His eyes appear confused and a little hurt until I motion over his shoulder. He turns to see our little girl and a smile returns to his face and he winks at me.

“Hey little lion” he says scooping her up and handing her over. “Say goodbye to Mommy. You and the Tanman are going to be stuck with me for three days.” Evie throws her arms around my neck and clings to me with all her might. We haven’t been apart much over her short life and she always misses me terribly when I am gone. “I’ll be back soon baby” I reassure her. I hugged and kissed Tanner when I laid him down for his nap. “Are you sure you are ok with me taking a few days?” I ask him again. “I can stay.” He shakes his head. “You said you wanted to visit Kentucky and see your Dad. Do it honey. You deserve a break. Try to relax some though, don’t spend the whole time writing” he scolds. I nod and give him one more kiss before I hop into the car and my driver heads for the airport. 

I am doing much better with flying and barely note the slight turbulence that jostles the plane just before we land. I would love to spend hours just roaming the city but I know it isn’t an option. Instead, I head to my parents’ house and graciously find no one home. I walk the outside and try to remember, not so much the place, but the girl who lived here. The things that made her happy and sad, what she thought about every day. I can’t say that I know her that well. I make my way up to my old bedroom and flop down on the bed. I close my eyes and trace the significant events of my life in sequence. It’s important that I put them together. That I can see myself as a single person with unique stages of growth rather than as several different people who everyone else seems to call Jennifer. 

I recall the pictures that Josh hung on his wall. Each one meant something to him. I wonder what photos I would include if every image in my head could be developed. I see him as he was when we first met. Young…hell, still a teenager. His charm, humor, and caring nature were infectious. His boyish smile warmed me every day. Much like Peeta to Katniss, he made people like me. I loved him. We were not lovers to each other but honestly neither of us were lovers to anyone then. We were both having sex but we didn’t have a clue yet about being a real lover. 

The next one is of him fishing on the island. His hair was long and his body deeply tan and chiseled. He smiled less but they were sexier when he did. He was stronger and more confident. His body was capable of giving both extreme pleasure and complete safety. I was IN love with him by then. I could have drank from that well of intimacy and belonging forever and still wanted more. 

The third is of him cradling a brand new baby against his bare chest. It was something strange and wonderful to see such tenderness in those primitive conditions. He was a father by then, loving Evie and caring for her every need. The man who fetched her in the morning and laid her on my chest so that he could watch her nurse. The one who stayed up endless hours whittling toy animals. I understood by then what I really had and I knew that I would never willing give it up. 

The next morning I get up early and head out to camp Hi Ho. Duane comes out to meet me and I give him a big hug. He has worked for my family for a long time and is happy to saddle a horse for me. I haven’t ridden in more than a decade but the feeling of the animal beneath me feels completely natural. Shelby Park isn’t open yet so I have the place all to myself as I ride across the meadows and through the forest. It isn’t a huge area but I circle around for the better part of 3 hours letting the years roll over me in waves. Every time I think of stopping something urges me forward. A need to keep moving, to put the past behind me. I’ll be sore tonight, but it is worth it. 

I drive up to Union and stop to pick up some flowers along the way. If the woman running the register at the small florist shop recognizes me she doesn’t react in any way. She looks like she is pushing 80 so it is highly likely that she has no clue and I would prefer it that way. It takes me a while to find it but after 50 minutes or so I am standing in front of my father in law’s grave. I met Chris at the premieres but I can honestly say that I don’t really remember him at all. I kneel and place the flowers on his stone. Josh hasn’t been out here yet but for some reason I couldn’t escape the feeling that I needed to come. 

This man is an important piece of the puzzle that I am trying to solve. Half of my husband came from him and he played a crucial role in teaching him who he is and how to live in the world. I expected to feel sad but for some reason I am mostly angry. I love Michelle and I want to get to know Connor and love him too. But Josh’s family makes no sense to me. They all look to him for so much and they respect and admire him but they don’t protect and cherish him and they never have. This was his father. He was supposed to do so many of the things that fell to his son even when he was still just a boy. Not just the money, but the nurturing of his brother, the steady companionship for Michelle. 

I take a few deep breaths. I try to get a grip. I want to accept them all. But I resent them for not loving him the way that I do. I shouldn’t want to punch a dead man. I never even realized how much I blame him until this moment. I grab a few pinecones laying around on the ground and throw them into the nearby woods and shout. One of the workers mowing the grass drives in the other direction. I guess he is smart enough not to want to disturb the crazy lady. 

I sit cross legged beside his grave and update him on everything that his son has been through. I tell him about the island and how Josh saved me. I tell him about Evie, Zachary, and Tanner. I express my gratitude for the man that he raised. I go into detail about how exquisitely he has loved me and cared for me even when he thought I didn’t want him. I explain how hard Josh is working to come back to me. To be a dedicated husband and father in spite of everything we have been through. 

By the end of the afternoon I am starving and emotionally spent but I do feel a little bit lighter. Shedding some of my anger and frustration with the Hutcherson’s leaves more room for a feeling of peace to settle in my chest. Chris and Michelle did what they thought was best. For better or for worse Josh had the life that they provided and while I hate that it was sometimes more painful and isolating than it had to be it made him who he is and I am in love with him. His parents are who they are, but that is not who we are going to be. 

On my last day, I have breakfast with my father and then ask him to drop me off at our old Church. I’m not exactly sure what I am doing here, only that it felt important to come. I walk the hall of classrooms and remember going to Sunday school and being in church plays. You can hardly come from Kentucky and not have been in some kind of a religious skit. Even my husband got his start in vacation Bible school training videos. When I make it to the main sanctuary I kneel at the prayer rail. 

Before the crash faith didn’t play much of a role in my life. It was part of my heritage, where I came from, but it didn’t mean much to me personally. Watching your life flash before your eyes and then spending the better part of a decade wondering if you will live to see another week tends to change things for you. Losing my friends and then my son made me acutely aware of my mortality. I bow my head and speak words of thanks and then contrition. I’m still not sure where I stand on all matters relating to the universe but I know that I need help. I ask for healing for my marriage and reunion with my baby someday. 

I’m not sure how much time passes but when I stand to leave I hear footsteps behind me. “Are you ok young lady?” A kind voice asks. I can’t believe he is still here. I’ve been back a handful of times as an adult on Easter or Christmas visiting my parents but I haven’t seen him on a steady basis since I was in Middle School. He looks older but lively and cheerful as ever. 

“Pastor Beeson” I say. His brows knit together and his neatly trimmed beard twitches slightly. “Jennifer?” he asks. I nod and he steps forward and pulls me into a bear hug. He is probably a good 5 inches shorter than me and about 3 times bigger around. I laugh but all the emotion from earlier is still present in my chest and I am crying as well. “Come on kid” he says. “Let’s have a seat and talk for a few minutes.” A few minutes turns into two hours.

He was always very involved with the youth and children when I went here and sent me several cards via my mother through the years letting me know that he was proud of how hard I had worked and that he was praying for me. I know that he didn’t agree with many of the choices that I made but he was never judgmental and he did not treat me any differently when I ran into him again after my career took off. I share with him many of the things that happened on the island and before that too. I tell him about my relationship with Josh and how we are struggling.

He listens with wise caring eyes and asks follow up questions periodically. By the time I am done spilling my guts I am exhausted both mentally and emotionally. “So…” I tell him. “So tell me what to do.” He gives me a conciliatory smile and shakes his head. “You already know what you want to do” he answers and slowly stands up to leave. “Wait” I say grabbing his arm. “That is all you’ve got? Aren’t you old and religious? Aren’t you supposed to say something all wise and shit?” I catch my curse word a moment too late and bring my hand up to my mouth. He can’t help it. He laughs out loud and it echoes off the high ceilings. 

“Ok Jennifer” he says retaking his seat beside me and looking at the patterns and stories depicted in the stained glass. “You love this man and you have married him right? You said vows before man and God?” I nod in agreement. For once my voice is tired and I am done speaking. “Throughout scripture God makes a covenant with the people and then the people break it. He reaches out and continually tries to reconcile them but they always break covenant with him. Does that make his covenant void or less valid? No, because it is the giver of the covenant that makes it solemn and eternal. It isn’t a business contract with terms and conditions. It stands because of the immovability and the character of the covenant maker. Nothing the people can do can destroy it because they are not the one who gives it.”

I give him a confused look. “You want to keep your covenant with him” he tells me. “Yes” I affirm without hesitation. “So…keep it” he says. “If he chooses not to hold up his side you will be heart broken, but you will survive it. You are a very strong woman. But if you choose to break yours you will regret it. You would be denying who you are and everything that brought you here. You don’t need him to do anything in order for you to have peace. The power to make the right decision has always been yours.” 

I think about his words on my flight back to LA. I ponder them that night in bed. I examine them again on my ride to my monthly one on one with Dr. Degregorio. I pour them out before him and ask for his input. “I think he is a smart man and that it appears he cares about you and believes in you. Let me ask you something Jennifer, what exactly is it that you are waiting for at this point in your marriage?” he asks. “For Josh to get better” I answer honestly. “For him to get better and do what?” he questions. It flusters me a bit. “For him to come home…be himself…hold me and make me feel safe…figure things out, be strong for us…” That’s when it dawns on me. I look up and find him meeting my gaze steadily. 

“I’m waiting for him to save me aren’t I?” I ask. He nods and moves his gaze to the window. “He has done that quite a few times hasn’t he” he comments. “All our lives” I agree. His eyes return to mine. “I don’t think it has been as one sided as you do” he observes. “I’m not sure he can this time…save you I mean. He is trying, fighting hard to beat back the fear and demons within. I’m continuing to work with him, give him more tools… but I just don’t know. He is still pretty wounded, consequences of so many years spent fighting on the front lines of his emotional, physical, psychological, and spiritual life. You, however, I am almost completely positive that you can save this thing between you or at least make a valiant effort at trying and have some closure that you did everything that you could.” 

I shoot off several emails on my way home. I know what I have to do now and I haven’t felt this good about anything since Tanner was born. I pick up my phone and call Michelle. “Hey” I tell her. “I was wondering if you still have contact information for an old friend of yours. I need to get a hold of her to discuss something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave me feedback. I love it!
> 
> It is good to see Josh well enough to be taking care of the kids and for Jen to get some time to think. 
> 
> Please leave me comments on any of the thoughts that came to your mind as you read this more introspective and reflective chapter.
> 
> My favorite scene is the one at the cemetery. Her thoughts on Josh's father and his family as a whole are super interesting to me. The heavy influence of in-laws is something most people don't take into account enough when they get married. What did you think about her thoughts and her frustrations in regards to the Hutcherson's?
> 
> She gets some advice from her old pastor that is strongly at odds from what her friends from Hollywood had told her to do (go date someone else to scare him back into the relationship and get his attention). It is a tall order to keep your commitment to someone else when they have withdrawn from you. Josh is the one who left (whether you think it was understandable given circumstances or not). Jen hasn't done absolutely everything she could have to save the marriage though and she has also made mistakes along the way. I think a big element of what the pastor and the doctor are encouraging her to do is take her destiny into her own hands in a positive way that is likely to heal her marriage it rather than fracture it. It's some pretty heavy stuff though and I am sure there are differing opinions on it. 
> 
> Jen wants to stay in her marriage, she has been unwavering about that. She seems to have an idea now as to what might help make things better. We will have to continue reading to find out what it is. Feel free to guess though. I love guessing games.


	55. The Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer is tired of the limbo that her marriage has been in since the return to LA and decides to make a move to change the tide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went through a lot of drafts with this one and I think I am ready to let this little birdie leave the nest. 
> 
> I left you with a bit of a cliffy last time as Jen had decided on a plan of action but had not taken it yet. The unfolding of her plan will actually span a couple of chapters so this is part one of two in the Jen makes a bold move saga. 
> 
> Please leave me your feedback. I need to have it on this one.

Unfortunately, the planning and preparation take weeks. The waiting is agony but I want my next move to be perfect. We continue to spend time together and also to see Dr. Degregorio. Josh spends a few nights in my bed but not nearly enough. We hold each other but we don’t make love. I feel like he is afraid to cross that threshold again because of what happened the night before he was hospitalized. I am hesitant because I know that if I let him get that close to me that I will spill out my undying love before everything is completely ready. 

When the day finally arrives to put my plan into action I am extremely nervous. I know that I will loosen up when the time comes, but the anticipation is excruciating. I can usually give myself a mental pep talk and try to remember that it is not that big of a deal. Not this time. This is the most important night of my life. The stylists I hired arrive around 8pm and we get to work. I took advice from one of my friends and ordered a dress from a design house in Europe and matched it with some shoes from my closet. When the older lady finishes with my hair she departs and leaves the younger to do my makeup. 

“I pulled some pictures of myself from some of my biggest appearances” I tell her and bring them up on my computer. “This is what we are going for. I want to look powerful but still very sexy.” She nods and gets to work but she isn’t very talkative and seems almost…sad. Then it occurs to me. I’m a married woman sitting at my vanity with a professional stylist in my lingerie. She knows I’m not going to a big event tonight because I already told her. She thinks I am having an affair. “I need to look my best” I say offhandedly. “This is a special night for us and I want Josh to think that I’m perfect.” She lifts her eyes and they sparkle as she smiles. “Ok” she says with a wink. “I know just what to do.” We chat and giggle for the next 30 minutes like middle school girls at a sleep over. It’s really none of her business, but I am secretly glad that she still believes in true love. 

My mothers thought that we could do it ourselves but I refused. I have to look red carpet ready. They are in the kitchen milling around like a couple of hens and they whistle at me as I descend the staircase. “Honey, you look beautiful” my mother tells me. “He is going to be stunned” Michelle agrees. They circle me and fuss for several more minutes before deciding to offer unwanted and unnecessary advice. 

“Make sure you give him plenty of time to look at you in your dress and your lingerie” Michelle tells me. We picked it out together which was creepy but also surprisingly fun. “And I would wait until later to use your mouth” my mother adds. I look at her completely horrified. “He is going to be all worked up and if you want to be able to do it, I would hold off on that” she continues. “Of course he is younger…maybe he can still do it more than once but your father…” I put my hands over my ears. “Stop” I yell at her. “For God sakes Mom, don’t talk about having sex with Dad! I’m still not old enough for that. I know what I’m doing. I know how to…make him happy.” This conversation is getting down right humiliating and I grab my long jacket and the bag that I packed earlier. My driver has already brought the car around. “Don’t wait up for me” I tell them both with a wink. 

The drive to his apartment takes less than 2 minutes but by the time we pull up I am breathing fast. I close my eyes and try to remember that this is my best friend. This is my Joshy. I step out and hurry to his door, luckily I encounter no one. Michelle, my esteemed partner in crime has ensured that he is home and likely already in bed and has also lent me her key. I step inside quietly and shut the door behind me. I don’t want to scare the shit out of him so I pull out my phone. 

Jen: What are you up to tonight?

Josh: Just reading. My Mom has something she needs me to help with early tomorrow. I thought you had an important event tonight.

Jen: I do. The most important of my whole life. 

Josh: Wow! Congrats, are you meeting with someone about one of your scripts again? Why didn’t you say anything?

Jen: No, it isn’t about work. I have some things to discuss with someone who means the world to me.

Josh: What’s going on?

Jen: Close your eyes

I have no way to know if he does or not, but a few moments later I slip into his bedroom. His reading lamp provides just enough light to guarantee that he will have no problem seeing me. “Open them” I say softly. When he does they widen in shock. “Jen…ah” he says like an idiot. “How did you get in? How did you even know that I live here?” I pull out my key and hold it up. “Mother” is all I say before moving towards the bed. 

He is propped up on a couple of pillows and wonderfully shirtless. His eyes scan my body from head to toe. “You look gorgeous” he tells me. “Where are you headed?” I reach out and stroke his hair. “Right here” I answer. He smiles and grabs my hips to bring me closer. “All dressed up for me?” he teases. I nod. “All for you.” His grin fades and his eyes darken. I pull him up and see that his boxer briefs are already tented. Our lips collide and meld in a blaze of heat. His hands hold my body firmly to his while his mouth tugs at my lower lip. 

I catch a glimpse of us in the mirror. His tanned skin and muscular v-line leading down to his black underwear and me in my formal attire. I moan into his mouth in surrender. Our tongues play a dangerous game as our hands grope and explore. When I begin to stroke him he pulls back and puts some distance between us before sitting back down on the bed. “I like this game Jen” he tells me. “I really do, but what in the hell are you doing?” 

I push him on his back and move to straddle him. “What I should have been doing every night since we have been back” I say leaning down to trail kisses along his collar bone and beneath his chin. He is hard as a rock but still grips my shoulders to sit me back. “I need to know what is going on” he says, his voice worried. I sit back and make sure that my pussy is aligned with his cock. It feels strange to be wearing these clothes in this setting but he needs to know that this part of me belongs to him too. 

“I’ve made my decision” I declare. His eyes are filled with longing and confusion. I stand and unzip my dress, letting it fall to the floor. I wish I could freeze his face in time and giggle at it forever. He has seen me in skimpy nighties before but never true lingerie like this. It is pure white from the scrap of lace that covers my mound to the corset that is putting my breasts on perfect display. I thought of black or black and red but I’m not going for naughty tonight. I’m reminding him that I am his wife and I want him. 

“I’m your wife” I tell him. “I’m your wife and I always will be. I don’t know what you are going to decide about coming home Josh and I want you to take your time and do it when you are ready. But when that time comes I’ll be waiting. It isn’t easy being alone but in most ways I still would be even if I tried to move on with someone else.” He tries to interject but I bring a finger down over his lips. 

“Don’t baby” I croon as I lean forward and give him a long, deep kiss. “I know there are other men out there and I could find one of them to marry me and maybe I would have moments of happiness. But I couldn’t have what I want.” He cocks his head to the side and lifts on eyebrow. “You’re my everything person” I tell him. His eyes reflect his racing thoughts. “You are the only person that I can have everything with” I explain. “The only one who will ever really understand me, the only one who can ever make me feel safe. You are the father of my children and I want to have more babies with you. I’ve given my heart to you and so much of myself that I could never get it back. If you don’t want them then they will probably just die away.”

“I’m your girl. The silly Jennifer that sings cat songs and likes to play games. But I’m also an Oscar winning actress with stylists and fancy dresses and that woman belongs to you too. I can’t tell you what would have happened if the plane wouldn’t have gone down but it did. The crash happened Josh and it hurt me. It hurt you too and it took so much from us. We were victims of a horrible accident (I think it is the first time I have ever actually said it). But us, me and you and where we are now; that has nothing to do with it. This love between us isn’t a tragedy and I’m not trying to be a martyr.” I give him a big smile because he loves our Hunger Games references. “I chose this. I chose you.” 

He is getting emotional now and so am I. He is trembling and I am about to cry. “You will have to make your own choice but this is mine. If you don’t come home, I will still be your best friend and will do my best to enjoy that for what it is and I will invest my life in the kids and in my writing, but I won’t have another man. I will be alone for the rest of my life.” 

He takes a deep breath and it causes his dick to rub across my clit. I shiver. “Jen, you have to understand.” I clench my legs around his waist and he groans. “I understand” I assure him. “I know about your family’s finances” I admit. “I’ve known for a while, Connor told me. I’m sorry that it happened to you. It doesn’t matter in terms of me wanting our marriage though because that isn’t what I need. I have a shit ton of money but my heart hurts and I’m scared. I am needy as hell but it’s for your love, your time, your humor, it’s for you. I need you. That’s what I need you to provide for me and for the kids. The money isn’t important to me and everything that I have is yours. I never signed that prenuptial agreement so it isn’t valid.” 

I reach down and place my palm over his heart. “I can feel your heart beating” I say with a smile. “I know that you doubt that because of all the shitty things people have told you but they were all wrong. I belong with you and to you and I will forever. Blaine was lying when he talked to you at the hospital. I never spoke to him about our relationship. He was just bitter about his divorce and that his dotting little sister didn’t return. He made all that shit up and he hurt you. I’m so sorry. But I am going to make it all up to you if you let me.”

His body is quaking now and I move to lay soft kisses along his hair and jaw. He takes a moment to hold my face in his hands. “You’ve…you’ve wanted me with you this whole time?” he asks in disbelief. I nod and give him another tender kiss, my mouth lingering close to his. His face quickly morphs from joy to intense pain. “I hurt you” he tells me. “Oh my God darling, I hurt you so bad. I’m…I’m so sorry… I can’t even tell you.” I bend forward and lay atop him and we hold each other tight. I just dropped a ton on him and I need to give him a few moments to process it. His hands run through my hair and for a while our touches are sweet and loving. My clit is still aching though and it knows that its favorite playmate is here. When his body is still once again I sit back up and rock on him gently. My head falls back and I let out a delicious moan. 

“Now Joshy” I say. “Are you going to let your wife ride you tonight or are you just going to lay in this bed, jerk off and fantasize about it?” He grins and shifts my hips so that I get some friction. Damn, he is teasing me and I love it. He reaches up and cups my breasts. I whimper when he plucks my nipples through the lacy fabric. “You look incredible” he tells me. “Gorgeous beyond my wildest dreams, but why did you do all this just to come over and talk to me?” 

“I didn’t come over to talk to you” I tell him with a sassy grin and move away for a moment so that I can pull his boxer briefs off and shimmy out of my thong. “I came over to seduce you” I inform him. His answering grin becomes a look of surprise and then pleasure as I sit back down and take him all the way to my core in one swift motion. My body is more than ready, she has been ready for days, weeks, months, ever since they day I met him. 

I start off with slow movements, just rocking against him to stimulate my clit and embed him even deeper. “You need to see me like this” I tell him, starting to pant with excitement. “You need to see that this version of me loves you too. Every facet of who I am belongs to you and with you. There is no part of us that doesn’t fit.” His eyes fasten on my hair, my face, my breasts as they bounce from the long strokes I begin and the bucking of his hips. Finally, they fall to wear our bodies are joined. He watches himself enter me again and again. 

“Yes” I call to him as I find the right angle. He is so handsome, laying there beneath me with his smoky eyes that can’t get enough of watching my body enjoy his. “Fuck baby” he grunts as I increase the pace and my motions become jerky and uncontrolled. I just need him slamming into me farther, faster, I need to feel fuller. He reaches his hand forward to rub my clit and a few circles is all that it takes. “Joshua” I cry while my hips grip him and I spasm around his cock. His arms hold my body tight to his and I feel his telltale shallow thrusting and its accompanying fluids. 

He is softening but I refuse to let him withdraw from me. I’m afraid if he slips out that it will be a long time before he returns. I rest my face in the crook of his neck. “Stay with me” I tease. “You’re in my bed” he counters. I love the humor that I hear in his voice, I have missed it so much. Eventually, I relax and roll to the side and rest my head on his shoulder. “Jen….” He sighs, letting out a long breath. “This is all crazy and I love you so much and I am so sorry for everything I have put you through… I just… it’s a lot to take in right now.” 

I nod, feeling a wash of disappointment in my heart and sweeping down through my belly. “I get it, this was unexpected and if you want me to go” I say starting to get up. He grabs my wrist. “I don’t want to you to go” he says with confidence. I give him a shy smile and settle back into his arms. “That’s enough for now” I tell him. “I didn’t expect you to have some speech prepared. I sprung a lot on you tonight. I’ve known the whole truth for a while now and it took a couple of months for me to think it through and get all my shit together. No matter what you are feeling now I want you to rest. Take that time too. I don’t expect you to come home tomorrow. I want you to be sure before you do anything. If you come back I want it to be forever and we never doubt it again. We have the kids to think about and I don’t want to confuse them.” He pulls me closer and I hear him inhale my scent. Our hands continue to caress and sooth and he whispers words of praise and love to me until I fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, many of you have been asking for one of them to start the conversation for a long time and she certainly laid a lot on him during this short time. Josh is still a bit of a deer in headlights at this point but his first reactions are pretty promising. 
> 
> We are going to pick up the next one in the middle of the night still in the apartment so like a said in earlier notes this update is like part one of two in that respect. That is when we are going to get to Michelle's friend in case you were still wondering about that. 
> 
> There is a lot to like in this chapter and I love it. I had better. I spent a lot of time writing it (and the next one). Things I liked or stood out to me below. Please share your thoughts with me too!
> 
> It is a small thing but I like that I wrote about the stylist being uncomfortable until she knew what Jen as up to. It's a cute little add in but hey, I wouldn't want to help someone cheat on their spouse either but it would be fun to make someone pretty under these romantic circumstances. I guess our makeup artist feels the same. 
> 
> I also love the scene with the Moms. This family is WAY too open for me but it is pretty cute and pretty darn hilarious. I guess Jen finally found a subject that is even TMI for her. Just picturing Jen sitting these two down and planning this tickles me. 
> 
> Pretty awesome how nervous she is. This man is so important to her. 
> 
> What did you think of her use of formal attire and red carpet ready look?
> 
> I wish I could freeze his face in time and giggle at it forever. - favorite line from this chapter
> 
> Do you have an everything person? I do or I would not have known how to write this. 
> 
> She tells him a lot of huge and deeply significant things in this chapter. She also gets super vulnerable and I admire her for that. It is amazing how well she knows him now. She would not have had the insight on most of what is addressed a few years ago (and they had been married a long time at that point. Obviously knowing that Blaine lied is a big one but other than that what are a few things that you thought came out in what was said or done that were most important for Josh to hear?
> 
> More to come in the next update. Much like you, I am very much looking forward to it. But I am looking forward to your comments even more. Happy Fourth of July to everyone one in the states.


	56. Giving It Back to You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer has a few more surprises planned for Josh as he tries to process all of the thoughts and feelings she has confessed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate everyone who has stuck with this story. Your comments, kudos, and clicks have really built my confidence and made me look forward to publishing for you. 
> 
> Many of you were looking for a big gesture from Jen and this chapter is full of them. This is part 2 in the Jen executes her master plan saga. The last chapter was her telling him she loves him. This chapter is her showing it. 
> 
> I just can’t wait for you to read it. I’m getting giddy so I am just going to post now. Leave me comments if you love me.

I wake in the wee hours of the morning and sneak into the bathroom. I need to pee and I bring my bag in with me. I still have a few more surprises for him. I go over the contents and smile. He will have to know how much I love him by the time I go home today. I take out my makeup remover and scrub my face. My lingerie is strewn on his floor but I grab a pair of my normal panties and pick up one of his discarded t-shirts and slip it over my head. His breathing is heavy and even. I pull out the gift that I brought and spread it over him. He is fucking adorable. I won’t tell him that, but he is. That is my last thought before I slip off into oblivion. 

When I come to again I can tell that it is light outside. I can see the brightness behind my eye lids. I can also hear by the sound of his breathing that he is awake. I peek out to see him propped on one elbow watching me. I wipe the drool from the side of my unadorned face. He caresses my cheek and I lean into his hand. “There’s my girl” he says with a lazy smile. Why does bed head look sexy on men and shitty on women? “Morning baby” I say sitting up. “I’m sorry that I have to run but my Mom really needs my help today and I am already super late, I just couldn’t wake you and couldn’t leave such a beautiful woman” he apologizes. I start to laugh. “What?” he asks. I pull him back in bed with me. 

“Your Mom doesn’t need anything honey” I say still giggling at our inside joke. “She set you up” I inform him. “I needed to know that you would be here last night and that you wouldn’t have to rush off this morning.” He wears a look of confusion. “She was in on this?” he asks. “Yes” I admit. “She and Mom saw me off last night and stayed with the kids, they even gave me sex advice, it was awful. They are probably at the mall right now speculating on how it went and picking out baby outfits for a potential new grandchild.” 

“So” he says. “I have all day to spend with you in just my t-shirt?” He has that predatory look in his eye and I am definitely up for round two. Just when he moves to reach for me he notices it for the first time. The color must catch from the corner of his eye. He pulls it into his hands and holds it up in disbelief. I have been working on it for the past several weeks. It looks funny in his hands, but at the same time absolutely perfect. He looks at it again and then back at me. It is mostly yellow yarn but with a white trim and the name Joshy is sown at the top in white letters. It is virtually identical to his childhood “Yellow Blankie” except that I added my pet name for him rather than Joshua. 

“This is impossible” he tells me. “How did you know what it looked like?” I give him an embarrassed half smile, suddenly a little unsure about the gift. “I called your Mom’s old friend, the one who made the original and luckily she still had a few pictures of it.” He raises his eyebrows. “You had Nancy make me another blanket?” I shake my head. “No” I say. “I made it for you. I tried to learn just through you tube videos and failed but then I called her again and asked if she could teach me. It turns out she is a big J-Law fan and she was happy to fly out and stay for a few days and give me some lessons.” He still looks unsure but touches it carefully, almost with reverence and my original thought process and confidence returns. 

“You need it” I tell him. “You need to know that it’s ok to be yourself, to keep things that matter to you. It’s ok to be hurt, to feel scared, and to need comfort. That got taken away from you when you were just a little boy and you need it back. I’m giving it back. When you’re sad or lonely, or afraid I’ll come and wrap you in it and love you. I know that you will always take care of me. I knew that before the plane even crashed. But I need to know that you will let me do the same.” 

His kiss catches me by surprise and it is filled with love and gratitude. When he pulls back there are tears in his eyes. “Thank you” he says sincerely. “No one has ever cared enough to do anything like this for me. No one has even bothered to know me well enough to know to do it.” He is looking at me with all the love in the world and suddenly I need to be with him skin to skin. I pull the t-shirt off and reach for the locket on his night stand. “Well” I tell him. “You once gave me something just as sweet.” I slip it over my head and the sight of it hanging between my bare breasts does something to him. 

In a moment I am on my back and he is covering my neck with hungry kisses. My breasts are demanding his attention and I arch my back and thrust them forward. He takes the hint and brings one into his mouth to suckle and lick. My fingers find his hair and hold him in place so I can get my fill of his attention. “I need you” I whine. “I always need you.”

He sits back and looks at me. I can tell that I am beautiful to him, sprawled out in the mid-morning light in nothing but my panties and our locket. My nipples are still moist from his saliva and when he brings the pad of his finger over the taut buds I shiver. He watches my squirming movements in wrapped fascination then reaches for the locket and rubs it between his fingers as well. “I can’t believe this is real” he confesses. “That you are actually here in my bed wearing this and telling me everything I have ever wanted to hear.” 

I pull him over me and press our chests together. It feels exciting and safe at the same time. My lips find his and our kisses are deep but unhurried. My lips enjoy his thoroughly before moving on to find the lobe of his ear. I suck it gently and palm him in my hand. “Real” I whisper. “Everything that I feel for you, every promise that I’ve made, every time we have been together, every memory we have is real.”

My eyes nearly roll into the back of my head when he finally parts my folds and enters me. His thrusts are deep and steady as he looks down to watch the pleasure that I take from his loving. There is no feeling in the world like being this intimate with the person you are madly and eternally in love with and I close my eyes and let myself enjoy it. Let him fill the emptiness within me again and again. When he starts panting I know he is close. He lifts my right leg and changes his angle to hit the secret spot within and I cry out in response. He is straining to hold back so that I can join him.

“Perfect” he groans. “You are so fucking perfect.” It is far from the truth but he isn’t just saying it. It is our truth and his full praise and acceptance give me the strength I need to let go. I cum with an unintelligible shout and let my body grip him through his last thrusts. His hands find their way beneath my hips and hold me fast as I feel him pulse and hear his soft groaning of surrender. 

“I love you” he tells me, taking my hand and interlacing our fingers. “I love you too” I answer. “I want to stay together” he says. “Work things out and be a family. I want to take care of you and keep you safe. I’m just so afraid that I’m going to screw it up.” I nod knowingly. “I’m scared too baby” I confess. “But I’m not asking you to come home tonight. Take some time…let’s say the next couple of months and think things through and then we can talk about what the next steps are. Just please tell me we can keep seeing each other, keep making love like this.” 

He smiles and kisses my forehead. “I don’t think you could keep me away” he says and then his face turns thoughtful. “I’m leaving in less than a week though.” Shit, I almost forgot about the month long shoot he has coming up. “It’s ok” I reassure him. “I’ll be right here waiting for you when you get back.” He makes circles on my palm with his thumb. “Would you come and see me?” he asks. “Bring the kids and stay for a few days?” His expression is hopeful and I reward him with a firm and tender kiss. “Yes” I say softly. “We’d love to come and see what you are working on.” 

He looks extremely pleased with himself as we clean up and make our way to the kitchen to grab some pop tarts that we eat on the couch. We sit on either end and entwine our legs in the middle. I have once again donned his t-shirt and he slipped on a pair of underwear. We talk for a few minutes about the kids and when we are finished eating I return to his room to retrieve the last surprise from my bag. “I brought you something” I say bringing the thick manila envelope over and placing it on his chest. 

He gives me a stern look. “I’m not sure my body can handle any more surprises” he teases but opens the package anyway. He stares at it in shock. “It’s finished” I tell him. “Finished and accepted. They haven’t started casting yet but the deal is done. They are really going to make a big blockbuster movie out of one of our stories.” He stares at the title page. “I told you not to” he says. “I know” I agree happily. “But it would have been dishonest.” His eyes fall back to the cover page. 

The War for Myself   
By Jennifer and Joshua Hutcherson 

“Are you planning to use that for your pen name?” he asks. I shake my head. “No, I’m planning to stop letting everyone else pressure me and boss me around and be who I really am.” I take his hand again. “I had it changed” I say with a smile. “I told you last night that I have made my decision and it’s final.” His smile could light up a stadium. “I should have done it when we first came back.” He shakes his head. “It’s not your fault. I should have done this like 15 years ago instead of living a lie and being a complete coward.” His hand caresses mine and his face grows earnest. 

“Jennifer, I really like you and as much more than a friend. I think you are beautiful and sexy and being with you does funny things to my heart. I have a few days left before I have to leave. Will you go out with me?” Despite his sincere request I have to giggle. “Don’t you think this is a little opposite of what people normally do? You want to ask me out on a date now?” He is grinning at me as he nods with enthusiasm. “Yes, I want to ask you out on a date. We’ve never gone out together before, not just the two of us when it was going to end in kissing.” I consider this and then give him an honest answer. “Yes, I’d love to go out with you. Thanks for not waiting two decades to ask me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! Jen really pulls out all of the stops here and you can see why it took her some time to get it all prepared.   
> Also, the mystery of what role Michelle’s friend played solved.   
> I welcome all of your thoughts and comments. I will pull out a few things to get your brain working. 
> 
> I think I am just as nervous about how the yellow blankie will go over as Jen was. This is something that I have had in the works since the start which is why I made a point of bringing it up in chapter 12. It is a physical manifestation of the things that he lost in childhood that she is attempting to give back to him. Also very significant that she went through all the trouble of learning so that she could actually make it herself. 
> 
> His reaction is also important and telling. 
> 
> Her wearing the locket for him and him telling her that he can hardly believe it is real. We have to remember that he has spent well over a year and a half or so thinking that many of her words and gestures were at least partly if not mostly an act. When I was a kid I used to play in this basement with an old juke box that played 45 records and I had a little Conway Twitty “It’s Only Make Believe” from 1958 playing in my head when I wrote this scene and quite frankly a little off and on the whole time I have been writing Josh. That is OLD SCHOOL. Could have been Peeta’s theme song though. Some themes are so rich that no matter how old they are they are still good and you can just keep reinventing them. 
> 
> Jen giving Josh is half of the credit for their story and taking his name. 
> 
> Josh reacts to this whole thing with words of love and such but also by admitting fault and by asking Jen to bring the kids and visit him on his next shoot and asking her on a date before he leaves. He hasn’t had a whole lot of time to process things but what are your thoughts on his initial reaction?
> 
> Next chapter: The date. Are you ready to see what Josh would plan for a night out with Jen?


	57. The Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh takes Jen out on a date before he leaves for filming his next movie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last two chapters have been a total love fest from the Jen side and it is time for Josh to respond. 
> 
> There is some good stuff in here and I hope you enjoy it. More of a lighter read and many of you have been telling me for a long time that I needed to give them some time on a romantic date together. I am not sure all of this is that romantic but it is very true to these two characters and a good addition to their journey. 
> 
> Leave me feedback. You all inspire me with your insight and support.

I don’t bother with the driver. I walk home on a cloud of air wearing a pair of Josh’s gym shorts and his favorite hoodie. The sun is setting and I need to relieve the hens. They have to be itching to hear how things went. They are waiting in the kitchen practically drooling in anticipation of hearing my story. “So how did it go?” my mother urges. Michelle rolls her eyes good naturedly. “Just look at her” she says with a smile. “She didn’t come back for almost 24 hours, she is wearing his clothes, and she is positively glowing.” I blush, but no amount of embarrassment could spoil my good mood. 

“I’m going to need one of you to baby sit on Friday night if you can” I say. “I have a date with Josh.” My mother looks amused but a little confused too. “He asked you?” Michelle asks hopefully. I nod and she wraps me in a warm hug. “Blessed girl” she whispers in my hair before pulling back to kiss my cheek. “You are so good for him.” I pull her back for another embrace because despite all her faults she loves all of us and she needs it. “Thanks Mom” I tell her quietly. 

He comes over just as he normally would the next two days but we don’t talk about the date. He smiles every time I catch his eye. He kisses me goodnight before leaving each night. I can feel the nervous energy between us, the anticipation and excitement. Friday morning I am wondering where he will take me and what I should wear when I get a text from him. 

Josh: Don’t dress up tonight. Remember, this is the date I should have taken you on in the beginning and we weren’t anything close to fancy

I let out a sigh of relief. I really don’t want dinner at a high end restaurant. If he has something simpler in mind that sounds great. He is picking me up at 6pm so I feed the kids at 4:30 and change into a cute top and jeans. I add some basic makeup and make sure that my hair is pretty but I look like myself when I walk out to his car, a nice version of myself but still just me. “You don’t want to use the driver?” I question as I climb in beside him. “No” he says happily leaning over to give me a quick kiss. “I wanted to get a bike again but that makes the paps worse and I know you don’t like it.” I make a face. “It’s dangerous honey. I hate it when you ride those death machines around.” He kisses the end of my nose. “You’re cute when you’re worried about me” he says with a laugh. 

As we pull out of the driveway “Believe” by Cher comes on the radio and the timing is so right that it feels like fate. We sing along at the top of our lungs and before I know it we are parking in front of a Pizza Hutt. I give him a questioning look. “I bought it out for the evening” he tells me as he opens his door. “You finally work up the nerve to ask me out on a proper date and you brought me to a Pizza Hutt?” I question. He nods with that sweet and sexy smile. “This is where I would have taken you” he says. I round the car and give him a deep kiss that would be going further if we had less clothes on and weren’t standing by a busy road. “It’s perfect” I whisper before pulling away. 

When we walk in the manager seats us in a booth and takes our drink orders. “Help yourselves whenever you are ready” she says before returning to the back room. “I told them to just do the buffet” Josh says nodding to where they have set it up. “Oh honey” I tease him. “You really did go all out for me.” We load our plates and she returns with our soda. We shoot our straw wrappers at each other and argue over which dessert pizza is the nastiest. 

We don’t talk about the kids or his impending trip or any of our marital problems. We just enjoy each other’s company and have fun. I show him the proper amount of parmesan cheese to add to marinara sauce and he demonstrates how he can balance a salt shaker on its side using only a small amount to set it up. When she clears our dishes it dawns on me that this is what I have missed the most. Not the sex or the security or even the partnership. I have been dying to frolic with my playmate. 

After dinner he takes me to the movies. He has bought out one of the shows and they let us in the back entrance and a worker brings us a large Icee, a tub of popcorn and some assorted candy. I lean close and nuzzle his neck. “I love you” I say quietly just as the previews start. I haven’t been to a movie in over a decade but I still pay little attention. It’s just a super hero film anyway so it doesn’t take much concentration to follow. My mind is on the man beside me and how good his hand feels in mine. We make some attempt to watch the first half but spend most of the second playing footsie and stealing some heated kisses here and there. His hand even makes it under my blouse at one point. 

It’s a warm night and when he brings me home I refuse to let him go. We check on the kids and I see that my mother has gone to bed as well. I grab a blanket off the couch and lead him out the back door where I spread it on the ground. It isn’t long before my top is off and his lips are fastened to the sensitive spot on my neck. My hands roam his back and impatiently remove his shirt as well. I want to keep making out but he holds me away for a moment and looks down at me with an expression of awe. 

“You’re always beautiful but you are a goddess in the moonlight” he confesses. I turn my head away, a little shy. What do you say to a comment like that from a man who really means it? “I miss making love like this” I tell him. I lift my eyes up to the sky. “You can’t really see the stars here” I lament. “But I loved being together under that big sky. Watching the phases of the moon pass and knowing that I had you to love me in this huge universe. We were just two little specs but that was enough for me as long as we had each other.” 

He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a small black box. I can see him swallow before he opens it. My breath catches. Sitting on the little cushion is a small diamond set in a ring made to look like sand, waves, and shells. I lift my hand and watch him slip it on my finger along with a matching band adorned with palm trees and tropical flowers. He hands me a similar one that is slightly thicker and I place it on his hand as well. “I bought these when we got back home” he tells me. “I was going to give it to you as soon as Tanner was born but then I thought that you wouldn’t want it. I thought that you would feel trapped and I didn’t want you to think of it as a chain tying you down. I didn’t want you to resent me.”

I stroke his cheek. “It’s gorgeous and it isn’t ever leaving my finger again. But you were really going to ask me to marry you on the first date?” I ask. We both start laughing and he tackles me to the blanket and tickles me until he starts to think that my cries will wake my mother. When our eyes meet again we are both breathing heavy from exertion and we finally grow more serious as he lays me back and covers my body with his own. A few minutes later I am crying out again and this time I don’t have the presence of mind to give a damn who it wakes. 

He is scheduled to fly out the following evening but comes over in the morning to pick us up for Tanner’s well baby visit. Laura recommended a pediatrician in town that she takes her kids to and luckily there is a doctor in the practice willing to see us at off times. It rarely works out well for us to be seen in public and we would really like to take him rather than sending one of our mothers. 

She is a young woman, probably around my age with frizzy red hair that is usually getting away from her. She is upbeat and high energy and my kids adore her. She takes a few minutes to talk to Evie while I undress Tanner and sit him on the scale. She gives us his height and weight and quizzes us on whether or not he is meeting all of his milestones. Luckily, he isn’t getting any vaccinations today because I hate to listen to my sweet baby cry. “Well” she says after looking in his ears and throat. “He looks pretty good. Do either of you have any questions?” 

Josh looks worried. “What percentage is he in?” he asks. “For his height I mean?” She looks back at her chart. “I would say about the 30th percentile so just a little below average, but nothing to be concerned about.” He shuffles his feet. “Do you think that will persist? Does it usually or does it sometimes change over time?” She gives us a kind smile. “It’s hard to know at this point. Height is a genetically inherited trait but there are a lot of factors that go into it. Anything is possible, but I would say that it is likely that he will be average or slightly below.” He nods and thanks her before we take the kids out to the car. 

I offer to ride along with him to the airport. It is a little bit of a drive so it will give us time to speak in private. I don’t want to argue given the fabulous week we have had together but this needs to be addressed and it can’t wait. “Josh” I tell him. “You need to confront this hang up you have about your height. I know that is easier said than done and I know I have my own issues that I’m working through but you need to talk to Dr. Degregorio about it or something.”

“I know” he admits. “But this is an issue that you really don’t understand.” He isn’t being mean or obstinate. He is just telling me the truth. “When I stopped growing I felt like I was letting my family and my agent down. They kept measuring me and I just never got any bigger. It was really discouraging. I know some people said some stupid things to you early on about your body and I still want to punch them in the face but you don’t know what it is like to be told 100 times that they love you and that you would be perfect if you were just 5 inches taller. I can take the jokes people make on the internet and the jabs from some of the other guys but to actually be discriminated against for parts is tough. I feel like a failure sometimes, like I’m not enough.” 

I scoot close to him and take his hand. “Is that how your Dad felt?” I ask him. “Yeah” he answers sadly. “He hated being the short guy.” I nod and kiss his hair. “And did you know that when you were a kid?” I inquire. “Yes, I knew” he admits turning away from me. “Baby, listen to me” I say firmly. “You do a fabulous job of masking that it bothers you. For years I didn’t know that you were struggling with it. But it affects you and it hurts our family. We know how you truly feel about it just like you knew how your Dad did. What’s going to happen if Tanner is only 5’ 2’’? Are we going to pass that on? Is that the Hutcherson legacy? Sons who feel like they never measure up just because they aren’t tall?” 

He is silent a long time before he pulls me into his lap and kisses me. “You’re right babe” he says when we come up for air. “I love him too much for that. I’m going to work on it and I’m going to get my head on straight. It doesn’t matter what he looks like, our son is going to love who he is and he should. If he is half as great as you and as handsome as me he will be unstoppable. After all, things worked out pretty damn good for me.”

I laugh at his playful arrogance. “Yeah?” I ask. “Yeah” he answers. “I’m working on some projects. I have two perfect kids who mean the world to me. And I have this wife that you wouldn’t believe.” I shake my head with a grin. “Really?” I ask. “Sure, she is drop dead gorgeous, completely brilliant and totally loaded and the craziest thing is that she always wants what’s best for me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there is the long awaited date. Josh didn't disappoint me. I would love to go on that date too. 
> 
> I would love to hear your thoughts on the many elements that are a part of this chapter.
> 
> The waiting mothers: I love this scene of her walking home on cloud nine and the reception she gets from her "hens".
> 
> The date: Super cute how much they are anticipating it and then how it unfolds and ends. 
> 
> The rings: a couple of you brought up the lack of them before and their absence was deliberate and significant. Good catch.
> 
> Tanner's Well Child Visit: This is an issue that has been brewing and it is a complicated and challenging one. I like the inner generational quality of this element. Edmund Burke said that we are a bridge with our parents and grandparents on one side and our children and grandchildren on the other. How right he was. I would love thoughts and feedback on this one. 
> 
> I love writing for all of you and look forward to reading your input and reactions.


	58. The Visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer and Josh try to navigate their returning closeness while he is filming on location and Jen brings the kids for a week long visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you to everyone who reads my stories. Especially to those of you who leave me comments. It always puts a smile on my face to read them and it makes me want to do a great job for you.
> 
> This chapter shows how they manage their strengthening connection even across distance and also brings Evie back front and center. We have seen very little of her in the past few chapters. This one will give us an update and force Jen and Josh to confront some realities about how she is doing in LA and also reflect some on what her future holds. 
> 
> We also get to see how things go when Jen brings the kids to visit Josh onset. 
> 
> This is a longer chapter than some of the recent ones. I gave you more story so you have to give me more feedback. That's only fair :)

He will be filming on location in Yellow Stone National Park for a month for this next movie. It is an action/thriller and he is ridiculously excited because for once he gets to play the villain. He told me all about the plot but I can honestly say that I don’t remember much of it. I was too busy staring into those beautiful eyes and wishing he would kiss me. We decide that I should bring the kids out on the third week. It will give him time to settle in and that is the part of the shoot when he will have the most downtime. 

In the two weeks that follow his departure he calls at least twice a day. We text even more. It feels amazing to be so connected again. Most days when I wake up I already have a message from him like “I love you”, “I miss you so much”, or “Good morning beautiful.”

Josh: God I miss you and the littles. The people I am working with are great but at night when we are done shooting I am just lonely and bored. I have been trying to do some writing though. 

Jen: We miss you too darling. Evie is tired of killing me in board games and Tanner wants to wrestle. 

Josh: I can’t wait to hold you

Jen: You better, we need to make up for lost time

As the days draw closer Evie and I start to get antsy. “Where are we going exactly?” she wants to know. “To a place called Yellow Stone” I tell her. She has been watching me starting to pack up our stuff. “We are going to see where Daddy is working and stay with him.” Her face lights up. “We can go to work with Daddy? Why didn’t we go last time?” I kiss her little forehead. “We can’t always go with him sweetie, but from now on we will go and visit if he is going to be gone for a long time.” She thinks about this. “We better bring Tanner” she observes. “He needs to see his Daddy. He misses him so much.” I love my little girl and her creative ways of expressing her thoughts and desires. 

Josh: Do you want me to see if I can get you your own trailer when you come?

Jen: HELL NO

Josh: I love you 

I put down my phone smiling. I can just picture the grin on his face. All I want to do is spend as much time as I can with him while I am there. We have some long talks in the evenings and he tells me all about the cast and crew. I feel like I know them already. I pitch a couple of new story ideas to him and he takes my outlines and sends me a few sample starts. We talk about the kids and how they are changing and growing. We both express sorrow about not being able to visit Zachary’s grave anymore. We text a lot and it helps keep me stay sane on days when the kids and my family start driving me crazy. One evening I am surprised at the message that I see. 

Josh: Am I texting you too much? I’m sorry if I am. I know it is a lot. Just tell me ok?

Jen: Baby, Stop. I’m your wife. I want to hear from you throughout the day. I never don’t want to talk or text with you. 

Josh: Ok

Jen: If I am busy I just won’t text back until I have time and vice versa. I certainly text you all the time and whenever I feel like it and I always have. 

Josh: I just wanted to make sure

Jen: XOXOXOXOXOXO, are you sure now?

Josh: I’m getting there thanks to you

We are scheduled to fly in on a Monday morning but I can’t wait and move it up to Sunday night. Darkness has already fallen by the time our small plane lands at the remote air strip and Tanner is dozing in my lap. Evie is on the edge of her seat bobbing up and down with barely restrained energy. She has spent the majority of the flight excitedly explaining to me exactly how an engine works and what makes the flight of a large metal object possible. I stroke her blonde little head and kiss her temple. She reminds me so much of her father. 

He is waiting for us the moment we descend the ramp and he gathers Evie in his arms.   
“Daddy” she sighs as she places her small nose in the crook of his neck and her head comes to rest on his shoulder. I can tell by the look in his eyes that he wants to embrace me as well but we are both carrying a child and it will have to wait. He reaches out and takes my hand as we walk towards the clump of trailers and equipment. 

“I missed you” he tells me, squeezing my hand. “I thought I was going to lose my mind counting down to this trip” I admit. We chat about the flight and speculate on whether or not Tanner is out for the night when all of a sudden a loud sound pierces the air. Josh and I nearly jump out of our skins before we realize that it is Evie letting out an unexpected and enthusiastic whoop. “Dad… Mom” she calls jumping out of her father’s arms and running on ahead of us. Her arms are thrown in the air, her head held back to face the heavens. Her smile is as wide as I have ever seen it. 

“It’s our sky” she announces. “It’s here. It’s not gone at all. We just can’t see it from our new house.” We follow her line of sight and are awed by a blanket of millions of stars. Constellations that served as her mobile and the twinkling vastness her constant childhood companion. She is happy, really happy for the first time since we have been back. It’s a warm night and she drops to the ground and rips her shoes and socks off along with her hat and t-shirt. She doesn’t bother looking back at us as she stretches her arms out to either side and runs in circles in the moonlight in nothing but her skirt and camisole. 

We watch her in wonder. This beautiful little fairy, brought to life by the world of nature around her. Liz has fielded lots of interest in her from casting directors and modeling agencies ever since her first picture was released. Josh said “hell no.” I am completely opposed to it for as long as she is a child. She will have to make her own decision when she grows up. But tonight with her hair streaming behind her and her face relaxed in pleasure I can see it. She is a remarkably pretty little girl and she will grow to be a stunning woman, much more naturally attractive than me. Josh grips my hand even tighter. I know that he is terrified of the prospect. 

We let her run out all of her gusto until she has to be carried into the trailer. We lay them in the center of the bed and take our places on either side. We don’t say anything for a while. We just stare at them and wonder how we got so lucky. “I can’t believe we made them” my husband finally whispers. “They are the most incredible project we have ever worked on” I agree. We stay like that for a long time, just brushing hair back from their faces and kissing tiny cheeks and foreheads. When we can’t keep our eyes open anymore we move Evie to a cot that Josh had moved in and I set up the Pack and Play for Tanner. 

We barely fit into the tiny bathroom together but that doesn’t stop us from trying. I get out my bag and Josh opens it and retrieves a pair of soft sleeps shorts and a cami. Gently, he undresses me and puts my pajamas on. It feels amazing after two weeks alone with the kids to let someone take care of me. He closes the toilet lid and motions for me to sit and he brushes my hair out with his fingers. He hasn’t touched me this way since the island and I come apart in his hands. Tears that I can’t explain run down my cheeks.

When we have both cleaned and rinsed our teeth we climb into bed and every muscle in my body relaxes from the smell of his skin and the strength of his arms as they wrap around me. I smile as he spreads the yellow blanket I made for him over us. I turn over and lay my head on his chest and shoulder. My brain is exhausted and barely working anymore. Safety…Comfort…Love…Home…I am sleep in a few short minutes. 

When I wake the next morning I have the unmistakable feeling of a woody pressing against my ass. I snuggle back against it and his hand grips my breast a little tighter. I can’t help the whimper that escapes me and Evie yawns and turns over. I look over my shoulder at my husband and he gives me a devilish grin and tweaks my nipple. I slam my hips back against him on instinct. We need to get up. We can’t make love right here with the kids in the room. I motion to the door and we quickly pull on some clothes. He takes the blanket from our bed and I grab the baby monitor and a small package that I brought for him. 

Dawn is breaking and we find a comfy spot not far from the trailer to spread out the blanket. We sit side by side and he puts his arm around me. I can tell that he is pleased to see that I am wearing my wedding ring. “We can’t keep Evie in LA” he tells me. I look down at my bare feet. “I know” I agree. “She was so happy last night” he recalls. “I haven’t seen her like that in a long time.” I nod. “She was also happy because I have been lately and because we came here to be together. I know the separation has been hard on you but it has been hell for me and the kids too. We need you with us and she knows that. She says she misses our old house but what she is really asking for is her old parents.” 

I pull out the package that I brought and hand it to him. “You have been giving me an awful lot of gifts lately” he observes lightly. He unwraps it and opens the box to find a brand new whittling knife. He looks up to me with a questioning look. “You should do it again” I tell him. “At night when you are lonely for us. You are really good at it and you enjoy making things. Besides, I have my horses and Evie has an entire zoo but you haven’t carved anything for Tanner. Evie shares with him but it isn’t the same.” He stares at the horizon. “I’m sorry” he says softly. “After what happened with Zachary I just couldn’t bring myself to craft toys for him until I knew he would be healthy and then we were back here.” I nod and squeeze his arm. “I’m not criticizing you” I reassure him. “I’m giving you the chance to make it up to him.” We both know I am talking about more than wooden animals. 

He nods and his face shows regret. “I know and things are going to be different Jen. You coming to visit me that night and saying everything that you did put things in perspective for me. I kept telling myself that I couldn’t mend things between us and I used it as an excuse not to fix things inside of me. The day after that I went to see Dr. Degregorio and I told him about the crash, about the bodies, about watching you fade away so many times, about burying my son.” He is getting emotional just talking about it and I can see that he is fighting tears. 

“That must have been really hard” I say leaning in to hold him. He laughs. “Yeah, it sure as hell was. I was pacing in his office like a crazy person and then I cried like a baby for an hour.” He shakes his head like he is trying to clear it. “I kept hoping that it would all just go away but it didn’t. It just kept getting bigger and bigger and I couldn’t sleep. I kept seeing these horrible things, half burned bodies, and our baby’s corpse as I shoveled dirt on him and they got distorted in my head and gave me nightmares. I’d wake in the night covered with sweat and in my mind know that you or the kids were dying and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I knew I had to get the bad stuff out if I am going to be able to move forward and take care of you again. I just wasn’t strong enough to do it on my own. Dr. Degregorio helped. I don’t think I could have unloaded all that on anyone but him.”

I snuggle closer and let him play with my hair. “When you are ready to talk about those things with me I will be here” I reassure. “And I want you to know once again that there is nothing between me and Nick. I don’t love him and I don’t want to be with him. I flirted with him because I wanted attention from someone and I am eternally sorry that I hurt you.” He nods, his expression solemn. “I know” he says. “And it’s not all your fault. It wouldn’t have happened if I would have been doing my job as a husband. Even if your whole family hated my guts I would never have moved out if I knew that you loved me. When your brother told me that you didn’t that really screwed me up.” I can tell by his body language that he had been beating himself up about it. 

“I should have known” he laments. “I saw it in your eyes when you looked at me. I could feel how desperate your kisses were. Your body sought mine out when I spent the night with you. I kept telling myself that you were still in love with me. All of the signs both obvious and subtle showed it and I know how to read you. I can tell when you are lying or when you are faking something and all of your actions rang true. But there was this stuff from the past holding me back. My parent’s voices telling me that you would just move on. Jena saying that you didn’t want me. Critics and casting directors saying that I wasn’t good enough, that I was too young, too short, too cute. Even you saying that you just wanted to be friends, that you just wanted a baby, that what happened on the island could just stay there.”

He turns and takes my hand. “How long did you know?” he asks. “Know what?” I clarify. “Everything” he answers. “That night in my room you said you knew for a while. How long did you know and why didn’t you say anything? If you knew we were on such different pages, why didn’t you tell me so that our hearts could stop breaking?” I take a deep breath. I knew these questions were coming. “The money I knew about for a long time. Connor told me when he came to LA to visit with you last time. He asked me not to tell you. He said that you were used to being a provider and that by telling you I didn’t need anything and offering to bail you out I would just make you more lost and upset. I didn’t want to hurt your pride. You were clearly embarrassed to tell me or you would have done it yourself. That and I was scared. You moved out Josh, you started making movies again right away, I had to watch you work with and flirt with that damned Ashley Farthing. I was afraid she would take my spot, not on the Oscar podium but with you. I thought you had stopped loving me and I wasn’t sure how to navigate things anymore. I would have talked to you about it if I thought it would help heal things but I honestly thought that it wouldn’t.”

He thinks on it. “You were probably right” he says after a time. “I would have been angry and defensive. It would have made me feel more insecure and insignificant and like you were talking about me behind my back.” I nod in agreement. Telling him I was aware of his financial struggles in a vacuum without all the other things I disclosed would have pushed him further away. “Blaine’s lies I just found out about a couple of months ago. Once I knew how badly you were struggling I knew I had to get my family involved. At the very least I needed them to be more supportive and stop actively damaging us. I sat them all down and told him everything that happened on the island and I think Blaine realized for the first time what I horrible thing he had done. He called and admitted it to me and then I knew why you left. I’ve also done a lot of talking with the people in our life and I realized why you were vulnerable to listening to him. I took that trip to Kentucky to think about how to tell you and about all the changes I wanted to make. It took some time to file the paperwork to change my name and make your blanket and I also wanted the story to be ready to show you. As soon as I had had all of those things done I set up that little scene in your room. I wanted you to see and hear, and feel how important you are and how much I value our relationship.”

He looks away so I sit up and take his face in my hands. “Do you know how much I love you?” I ask him. He nods slowly. “I don’t think you do” I say. “If you did you would be smiling.” I kiss him. “That’s ok. You don’t have to understand yet. I’ll be here in your arms every day showing you.” I grin at him. “I’m a pretty good teacher and you aren’t a total idiot. I am sure you will learn in time.”

He takes us down to meet the folks he is working with and we eat craft service for breakfast. I shake hands and take a few selfies with people. I don’t particularly like mingling with strangers but these are my husband’s friends and coworkers and he wants to show us off. Evie is very shy and hides behind us most of the time, pulling her hat down over her eyes, but Tanner walks around lifting his arms to anyone who is willing to hold him. Josh is beaming as he tells people about my writing and the things the kids have been up to, he is very proud of us. 

He is off for the morning so he puts Tanner in the ergo and we decide to take a hike. The landscape is breathtaking and Evie is overjoyed to be free to wander. She hops from rock to rock and picks up sticks and twirls them in air. Josh teaches her about the various plants and we see several species of birds and a groundhog. It is clear from her level of enthusiasm that she would be more content if she could explore and play outside more often. Josh holds my hand or touches the small of my back as we walk along and I am amazed at how much of a difference the small gesture makes. I feel 100% better about where my life is going when I know that I have my rock to lean on. 

He has to be back for work for a while in the afternoon but I expect him around 4pm. When he doesn’t show up until 5:30 I am worried. When I see that he has been working out I am a little miffed. We came all the way out here to see him. He can’t take one day off from the gym? I am even more annoyed when he does it again the next day. “Do you want us to go back home?” I ask him. It sounds like an accusation.

“No” he says surprised. “Of course I don’t why would you ask me that?” My stance softens a little. I remember what it was like to be under pressure to keep your body a certain way for a film. “Because you keep working out every day instead of coming back to spend time with us” I complain. He runs his hand through his hair. “Well, I pretty much have to if I am going to stay in this kind of shape” he admits. I come over and hug him. “Do they expect you to maintain a particular build for this movie?” I ask. He shakes his head. He has that look. The look he gets when he should tell me something that he is stuffing deep inside of himself. 

“Josh” I beg him. “Please tell me what you are thinking. Tell me what is going on. I’m your wife. You can trust me with whatever it is. I won’t mock you. I won’t hurt you.” He looks at his feet and shifts back and forth nervously. “It’s just that…well… you were never interested in having sex with me until I looked like this.” My heart clenches with pain and I cling to him. He holds me close and rubs my back. The fears we have given each other devastate me. I let out a string of hopeless laughter that cuts through tears I didn’t even know I was shedding. 

“We are idiots” I tell him. He looks at me confused. “I understand what you are going through” I tell him. He snorts. “You are completely gorgeous, there is no way that you get it.” I bring my hand up to his lips. I look into his eyes. “I didn’t have that tummy tuck done so that I could work” I confess. “You were less interested in me when we got back. I thought you might stray because there were so many good looking women who wanted you. Younger women with perfect bodies. I thought that I needed to do it in order to keep you.” 

“Jennifer” he says rocking me gently. “I am so sorry. I never meant to make you feel that way.” I kiss him again. “I’ve always been attracted to you” I tell him. “I’ve had fantasies about being with you since we met. But baby, we are grownups now and we both know that we won’t look great forever. I love you and I need you and I want you. Not your sexy body, you… the person that you are. The love that we have and the promises we have made are not going to go away because your abs are less defined. Give us more credit than that and I will too. I would rather have more of your time and attention than for you to maintain perfect muscle mass.” 

He has that cocky grin on his face as he backs me against the wall. He drops to his knees and pulls the waist band of my skirt down to reveal my scar. “I promise to stop worrying about working out so much if you promise to stop trying to cover this when we make love” he offers. He brings his lips forward and kisses the red and slightly puckered flesh. He is right. I often leave my panties on until lights are low or just remove my camisole from my shoulders and scoot it down to reveal my breasts and to cover my semi-ruined midriff. He nuzzles the belly that they were able to make flat again but that is still slightly maligned with stretch marks. He lays small kisses all over it. In between each brush of his lips he tells me something that I need to hear. “I love you. You’re beautiful. So glad you gave us the kids. This just reminds me that you carried my babies and how strong you are and all the love we made.” He continues to shower me with compliments and affection until he is nearly out of breath. 

“I have another date to ask you on” he says between puffs of air. “Oh, really?” I ask. “Where are you going to take me this time? Denny’s?” He laughs. “We will have to save that for our anniversary. Connor is getting married in a couple of weeks. I know I should have talked to you about it before but with everything that has been going on I just didn’t think about it. Will you go with me?” I step back and put my hand on my hip. “Were you considering asking someone else?” I tease. “Of course I’m coming to your brother’s wedding with you but only on one condition.” He raises an eyebrow. “And what would that be?” I square my shoulders in determination. “You have to slow dance with me at the reception.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave me thoughts if you have them!
> 
> I would love some feedback on some of the things in the chapter like:
> 
> Jen and Josh continuing to heal things even if they have to long distance. 
> 
> Evie's reaction to being out in nature again, especially being able to see the stars.
> 
> The family in the trailer together and Josh getting Jen ready for bed. 
> 
> Their conversation about Evie and Tanner and Jen's gift for Josh.
> 
> Josh's description of his trip to see Dr. D after his night with Jen.
> 
> The conversation about how everything unfolded with Nick, Blaine, and how long she knew. 
> 
> We find out why Josh has been adamant about working out so often since their return and the conversation that ensues about both of their insecurities. I think their openness in this one shows a lot of progress and give me a lot of hope. 
> 
> In the next chapter we will get to see what happens at Connor's wedding!


	59. Rehearsal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh gets stuck filing longer than expected and doesn't get a chance to reunite with Jen and the kids until the night before his brother's wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a million to everyone who has followed this story. Whether you've been reading for a year or for the very first time I appreciate your views, your kudos, and your comments. 
> 
> We are getting closer to the wrap of this story and I hope you are enjoying it. 
> 
> Some people have asked and counting this one we have 4 more chapters. 
> 
> This one sees Josh and Jen at his brother's wedding rehearsal which unsurprisingly stirs up many thoughts and feelings about the past and also dreams about the future. 
> 
> Enjoy and make sure to leave me some feedback when you are done.

Josh is not able to come back to LA before the wedding. Bad weather delays filming and they don’t wrap until the day before the rehearsal dinner. He calls and apologizes profusely. “I’m so sorry honey. I had no idea this was going to take so long.” I let out a breath but manage to smile. “Babe…it’s fine. I miss you and the kids are driving me crazy asking for Daddy but I know you have no control over it and completely understand. This shoot is really important and it’s a role you have wanted for a long time.”

I can tell by the lightening of his tone that I have reassured him. “Thanks Jen” he says. “I really appreciate everything you are doing right now. I feel like a total ass because I just told you that things are going to be different and we are starting to work our shit out and now I am stuck in the middle of nowhere and it seems like I don’t give a damn. But I want to give them my best. Getting cast for this part shows how much confidence they have in my versatility and I know I nailed it. This is going to open up even more doors for me.” I can hear the pride in his voice and I am happy for him. Nothing feels better than a job well done (well a few things do I guess. But best not to think about them since he is hundreds of miles away and can’t make them happen for me). “I just don’t want you to feel like you aren’t my umber one” he continues. “If you need me just say the word and I am on a plane home. Nothing is more important to me than you and the kids.” I shake my head and then remember that he can’t see me. “Josh” I say firmly. “I told you, we aren’t that fragile. I’ll see you in Chicago. I love you and I know you love me too. This isn’t anything that I can’t handle as long as I get to talk to you every day.”

A couple hours later I pick up my phone and text him. 

Jen: So if I was mad, what were you going to give me to make up for it?

Josh: As many orgasms as you want

Jen: I am unbelievably enraged 

Josh: So I have a lot to atone for?

Jen: You have no idea

Josh: I love you, you are so much fun to play with

Josh: I just realized that I won’t be able to pick up my stuff. If I send you a list can you go over to my apartment and pack a bag for me and bring it with you?

Jen: Sure, I will do it tonight when the kids go to bed

His list isn’t long and it only takes me a few minutes to throw his things into a duffle bag. I haven’t been sleeping as well as I would like because I keep dreaming about the island. I notice that his hamper is half full so I grab a couple of his t-shirts and throw them over my shoulder. At least I can smell him tonight. I start to walk out but stop just inside the door. Turning back I check his night stand. Our special phone is gone and so is the locket. He took them with him. I lean my head back against the wall and just breathe in the essence of the man I love. 

My mother is staying at the house tonight so I have some time before I need to be back. I pull back the covers on his bed and pull my shirt over my head. I reach down and unfasten my jeans and shimmy out of them and then slip between the sheets. I wrap my arms around his pillow and tell him how much I want him and then I kiss it and imagine his lips like a junior high girl fantasizing about her first crush. My hand find its way into my panties and I rub firm circles there. 

My mind returns to the night that I visited him in this very room. I recall the look on his face when he saw me in that white lingerie. There was no question after that, he was mine. I push two fingers inside and continue the assault on my clit. My head is thrown back as I moan his name and think about what it feels like when his cock hits my back wall. I remember his earlier text. He has promised me pleasure and I know how well he can deliver. The prospect pushes me over the edge and I spasm and fluid continues to leak from my core. 

I push my panties the rest of the way down my leg and use them to wipe off my fingers. When I am clothed once again I pick up my phone and take a picture of them lying in his bed and then send it. 

Josh: Oh God… you didn’t

Jen: I can’t help it, I miss you

Josh: You aren’t happy unless you know that I have my dick in my hand

Jen: I’m not happy unless I have your dick in my hand

Josh: I want to make you happy

Jen: You will, by the way, I left the panties for you

He meets us at the airport in Chicago and the kids have to wait their turn because I am immediately in his arms. Tanner stretches his pudgy little arms around our legs and squawks for attention and Evie joins the group hug from the other side. 

I can’t help but appreciate the uniqueness of my own wedding ceremony as I watch the silliness of the large wedding party practicing where to stand and how fast to walk from here to there. I picture my shirtless husband in his board shorts as he reached out his hand to me. I remember how we swam in the ocean, danced to the sounds of nature, toasted our plantain cakes and made love under a blanket of stars. Fuck all this pump and circumstance, we just got to the good stuff. 

It isn’t until the priest arranges the groomsmen up front that I realize that Josh is not the best man. He is his usual charming and affable self but my heart bleeds for him. All the years we were gone he always lamented that he might be missing being the best man in Connor’s wedding. Is there no end to what that tragedy will take from us?

The dinner is at an upscale restaurant downtown and I can’t help but wonder if Josh is paying for it. I don’t really know Connor’s fiancé or what background she comes from and Connor could have cut the check himself. It’s possible my husband has not provided a dime to this occasion, but I doubt it. The food is good but I don’t really know anyone besides Michelle and the kids are extremely restless. Josh does his best to entertain Tanner with crayons and toys from the diaper bag but he isn’t very happy until we take him out of the high chair and he hops from lap to lap of everyone woman in the room. That child is already a flirt.

Evie is anxious to leave and keeps pulling her hat down further on her head. I know it looks ridiculous with her dress but I want her to feel safe and I don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks about it. She is just a child and the whole wedding process is kind of dumber than wearing a fleece Mohawk hat with dress clothes. 

Josh isn’t inspiring me to want to hang around either. His smiles have been all for me tonight and his hand has seldom left my thigh. He has impeccable social skills and he knows he should be out there mingling but he also senses my unease. His jokes and conversation are making it totally clear: I am top priority. Holy hell, I wish we didn’t have the kids with us. I can’t get him out of those clothes fast enough. He can see it in my eyes and he winks at me every time that I shift in my chair. 

A couple of hours pass and the party isn’t slowing down but Josh says our goodnights to his relatives and we take our leave. When we get to the hotel I change Tanner into his pajamas and rock him while Josh and Evie head down to the pool. It’s getting late but he never misses a chance to swim with her. When Tanner has amassed a puddle of drool on my neck I lay him down in the portable crib and then jump in the shower. I am just toweling off my hair when I hear Evie splashing in the tub in the bathroom off the main living area. She is talking excitedly with her father and I stand outside the door to listen. 

“Mommy is so happy that you are friends again” she tells him and my eyes start to fill with tears. Our poor little girl. All this crazy stuff has been going on and she doesn’t understand any of it. “You are happy too” she continues. “You like it when Mommy kisses you.” I can hear him tell her to close her eyes so that he can rinse her hair. “Your Mommy and I love each other very much” he tells her. “We have just been confused and hurt inside and it took us some time to feel better about things.” I hear the water start to drain. “You are coming back home to live with us again aren’t you?” she asks. “So you can have sleepovers every night with Mommy?” I’m not sure what his reply is but a moment later he is carrying her out wrapped in a towel. We tell her a story together that night, something we have always loved doing and haven’t done enough of recently. 

By the time he gets out of the shower I’m in bed trying to decide what to say to him. He needs to talk about what he is feeling and that isn’t a strength of you know…men. He sits on the side of the bed rubbing his temples and I sit up and scoot around behind him. My hair falls over his shoulder and I kiss the crook of his neck and wrap my legs around him. “I know your hurting babe” I say quietly. He gives me a confused look over his shoulder. “I’m fine” he says. “Tonight was fun. They make a good couple.”

I give him a few more small kisses and hold him tighter. “I know it was painful that he didn’t ask you to be his best man” I tell him. He shakes his head and starts to get defensive. “It’s ok” he insists. “He was friends with this guy all through college and now they work together. They are really close and I’m happy for him.” 

He tries to stand up and remove me but a squeeze him harder and continue my gently loving. “That’s a good line that you rehearsed for him, but I know better. I know you better. You are hurt Josh. Sure, Connor had every right to ask this friend and he might be a great guy, but you wanted to fill that place in his life and the crash and the island took that away from you. It isn’t your brother’s fault but it still hurts and it’s ok to feel pain.” His muscles continue to tense and I drop my lips to an extra sensitive spot on his neck. “Relax darling” I whisper in his ear. “You’re safe with me. It’s ok to admit that he hurt your feelings and to feel robbed that you missed so many things with him. I’ve got you. Let me love you.”

Finally, he lets out a deep breath and relaxes in my arms. I touch and kiss everywhere that I can reach and for once he gives up his body to my care. “Alright” he says after a time. “It was hard to hear when he told me that he wanted me to be in the wedding but that he wanted Kyle to be his best man. I just feel sad in here” he says pointing to his chest. “Like it is one more thing that I lost and can’t ever get back.” I nod and continue to stroke him right over his heart. 

“The island is weird like that” he says staring at the ceiling. “In some ways I hate it. There are so many things that it destroyed and they are gone forever. But other days I miss it and all I want to do is take you and the kids and go home. It’s like that part of my life felt real and everything here feels like a cheap imitation. I felt strange there, kind of …special. Like there was a reason that I was alive despite all the odds.” He turns and cups my cheek so that he can look into my eyes. “The only time that I feel that way now is when I am with you.” I swallow and tell him something only he will understand. “Sometimes when I wake up in the morning before I even open my eyes I can hear the birds calling and I can smell the scent of the sea. Hearing you and feeling you and seeing you is the only thing that combats my homesickness.” 

Our lips meet in a tender exploration and soon I am naked beneath him. His mouth maps the flesh of my arms and chest and I can feel the love that he has for me in every motion of his lips. “I love you” I tell him unnecessarily but I am afraid there may come a day when he will forget again. He answers by filling my body with his. His eyes never leave mine as our bodies perform a dance as old as time. His stroking and completing mine. His thrusts are deep and steady and I whimper his name as my orgasm approaches. 

“Jennifer” he tells me. “My wife, my love, I trust you, I’ll give you every part of me.” His words of surrender reciprocate my own and I cry out softly as I grip him and feel his warm cum bathe my insides. I can only hope that there will be a baby. I would love to carry another part of him within me. I am content to just fall asleep in his arms but he is concerned that the excess fluid will make my privates sore if it sits overnight and he brings a warm washcloth and cleans me up. He has just settled in to spoon me when my eyes drift shut. 

I have no memory of the dreams that trouble me but I wake with a start. My belly is twisted in a painful knot. I stumble to the bathroom and puke up some of last night’s dinner. I am just slumping onto the floor when he lifts me in his arms. He sits me down and gives me a glass of water before carrying me back to bed and rubbing small circles on my back. “You’re fine Jen” he tells me over and over. “You’re safe. I’m here and I’m not leaving. No one is going to hurt you and I never will again.” 

His voice and his smell overwhelm my sense of foreboding and I snuggle into his embrace. This is where I belong. This is where I am safe, my only true refuge from the world. He wipes away my tears of embarrassment and frustration. “I’m never going to get better am I?” I ask. “Things have been going good. Evie is doing better. We are here celebrating with your family and we are working things out. I mean…you love me and we are staying together. I should be fine. We don’t have a premier tomorrow, we aren’t on the island, I’m not pregnant, you aren’t leaving me. Still I get like this. It’s just…never getting any better is it?” I ask pathetically. 

“Jennifer” he soothes, sitting so that he can rock me in his arms. “Listen babe, the anxiety is part of you. For your sake I wish that it wasn’t because it takes so much out of you to wrestle with it but I love who you are and I knew from day one that this was a piece of it. I’m going to be here for you and you are managing it much better than before. We used to do this two or three times a night sometimes. I have you. I’ll protect you and keep you safe.” I sniffle and cuddle against him. 

“I know you are nervous about tomorrow” he says and he is right. “You don’t need to be” he assures. “I actually don’t know most of those people and the ones that I do are family and they are stuck with us no matter what anyway. You have nothing to prove. You are a fantastic wife and mother and they have not a single reason not to accept you. Besides, we are the famous relatives. Everyone expects us to be kind of nuts.” I laugh and keep a tight grip on him as he lowers us both back down for sleep. His lips stay close and continue to lay kisses on my forehead as I begin to doze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some really good stuff here. 
> 
> First of all, we are getting closer and closer to the end so if there are things that you still want addressed please let me know. I am not promising to do it because some things are deliberately left for you to decide, especially with some of the minor characters but I will do my best to include anything else you want or tell you why I am not going to. 
> 
> We have one more chapter about the actual wedding which I like and then the last two chapters which are great. I think you are really going to love those, especially if you have been following the story for a long time. 
> 
> For this chapter I would love your thoughts and opinions on:
> 
> Josh being stuck beyond the scheduled time on set. I thought Jen was a great wife during this one. 
> 
> Their texts. I love it. 
> 
> I wrap my arms around his pillow and tell him how much I want him and then I kiss it and imagine his lips like a junior high girl fantasizing about her first crush.-I love this line. She is stinking cute. 
> 
> I also love her thoughts on how dumb most of the stuff you do at a wedding actually is. But I suppose traditions are the stuff of culture. 
> 
> Connor not picking Josh as his best man and their conversation about it. 
> 
> Josh's conversation with Evie.
> 
> Their thoughts on the double edged sword the island represents. 
> 
> Jen's episode and her fears about the nature of her never ending battle with anxiety. This was important because I wanted to acknowledge the fact that it never goes away. You don't treat it and get cured. You can get more tools to deal with it and you can manage symptoms better but there is never a time when you can truly relax in the knowledge that it isn't returning. I think Josh does a great job of being supportive here. 
> 
> Anything else that got your attention or that stood out or that you liked. Sometimes small things resonate more with people than I would have guessed.


	60. Connor's Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer and Josh face strong emotions as they attend Connor's wedding and reception.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have had a shitty couple of weeks so luckily this update is a loving and fun one. If you are fans of this couple being loving, supportive and reflective this one is for you. 
> 
> This is the last kind of regular chapter and then there will be one more to wrap it all up. After the next update I will be marking the story complete. I am going on vacation mid August but will make one final update with an epilogue when I get back so you can see what happens a couple of years into the future. The story finishes strong so you will definitely want to tune in for the last two updates. 
> 
> I love you all so please leave me feedback as you will only have a few more chances to do so. 
> 
> This is all cuteness and fun so enjoy.

Evie isn’t thrilled about having her hair washed and her feat crammed into stiff dress shoes for the ceremony and I am questioning the wisdom of why they even make suites for a toddler. Josh went with the men in the bridal party earlier so we won’t really get to see him until the reception. 

The church is beautiful and Evie is distracted for a good part of the ceremony by staring at the gothic architecture. She loves to see how buildings and machines are put together and how the guts of things work. Tanner is so enthralled that he falls asleep on my lap before the bride even makes it down the aisle and snores so loudly during the special music that I’m afraid he is distracting people around us. I would be more self-conscious about it if it wasn’t for the ridiculously handsome man standing in the front of the church wearing a perfectly cut tuxedo who can’t keep his eyes off of me. 

As I listen to the words of the pastor regarding unity and the sanctity of marriage my gaze locks with his. As Connor says his vows I remember words spoken from his brother’s heart so many years ago and recall mine as well. There is so much emotion in Josh’s face and I know that it mirrors my own. I try to smile, but the moment isn’t funny. So instead I meet his eyes with my own and mouth the words “I do” and despite the fact that he is standing in front of 300 people he returns them. 

As is customary, he sits at the wedding party table for a short time but quickly joins his mother, the kids, and I at ours. His hand finds mine and only lets go when we have to get something for the kids. “You know” he whispers in my ear. “You are supposed to let the bride be the most beautiful woman in the room on her wedding day.” I can feel myself blushing at his compliment and he laughs and kisses my forehead. He loves to embarrass me. 

When Tanner begins to tire of his high chair Josh reaches into the diaper bag. “I have a special surprise for you buddy.” He brings forth a figure of boy that he carved himself and sticky little hands reach for it eagerly. Evie comes to have a look as well. “Wow” she tells her brother. “I have lots of animals but Daddy made you a person. He can ride in my boat and tame the creatures.” Tanner is pleased to have been given a toy that his big sister is interested in too and doesn’t put it down the rest of the night. 

When the music starts it is fast and cheesy and I have no intention of dancing but Josh stands and reaches out his hand to me. “No” I tell him. “Absolutely not.” He shakes his head with a grin. “Come on” he says. “You are the one who said we needed to dance together now get over here Mrs. Hutcherson.” He hasn’t called me that since we have been back and I know that it was significant no matter how lightly stated. I stand up and take his hand. 

The DJ is fucking awful and plays the worst mix of obnoxious party songs and hits that never should have been popular that I have ever heard. It is a riot and I think we are going to die laughing. I notice that people are taking pictures and videos of us on their phones. “Don’t worry about it” Josh tells me. “It’s not like we would blend in and they wouldn’t do it if we were less enthusiastic. We are the crazy celebrities relatives remember? We might as well live up to the reputation.” 

We get the kids out on the floor with us. Tanner mostly just runs in circles with his hands thrown in the air but Evie can shake her little booty and it is hilarious. We teach them to do the YMCA and the Hokey Pokey. By the time they start to slow things down they are both tired and I find myself swaying to the music with a drowsy girl in my arms while Josh dances with Tanner. Our eyes meet and I know it would be foolish to ever believe that I could share this with anyone else. This is who we are. Nothing could ever untangle our thoughts and dreams from each other’s. 

I know we should take the kids back but he promised me a slow dance. Just as I set Evie down Michelle comes over. “I’m headed back to the Hotel soon” she says. “It’s been a long day and I married my baby off so I think the kids should stay in my room tonight. We don’t want Gram to feel lonely” she finishes giving me a wink. She takes Tanner from Josh and Evie follows her sleepily towards the door. 

I melt into his arms as we watch her say her goodbyes. “Thank you” he says softly. “For what?” I ask. “For getting along with my mother. For caring about her. It makes my life so much easier to have a partner who gets the way things are with her.” I nod in understanding. “It’s ok. I love her too” I say. “She has a job interview next week.” He looks surprised. I wasn’t sure if she would say anything to him or not. She is probably worried she won’t get it and then she would be embarrassed for disappointing him. Exasperating family. 

I decide to fill him in. “I have a contact from one of the agencies who mentioned that they are having trouble with some of the child actors and their families. You know, people not knowing how the business works, being too involved or not supervising enough, being drama, blah, blah, blah. I told him they should consider hiring a consultant to help them bring people along who they have interest in. Someone who could show them the ropes, offer advice, help them find temporary housing, and generally manage the headache for them. I even had a recommendation of who might be the right fit” I say with a smile. 

He still looks concerned. “Josh” I say giving him a kiss. “I don’t care if you want to continue supporting your Mom. We have more money than we are ever going to spend and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest if you want to share it with her. But she isn’t happy. She’s been living vicariously for too long and she needs her own life. Working would be good for her and she seemed really excited about this opportunity. Besides, she has learned a lot of things along the way that might help other people not repeat her mistakes.”

He grips my hips tighter and holds me close. “You’re incredible you know that” he says with affection. “No wonder she talks about you like you are the daughter she always wanted.” The thought warms my heart. “I’m also trying to talk her into online dating but she hasn’t bought into the idea yet” I tell him mischievously. “What?” he asks. “No, she’s too old for that. You can’t be serious.” His face is adorably upset. I guess he isn’t ready to see his Mom with someone who isn’t his Dad. I get it.

I take his face in my hands and kiss him. “Don’t worry baby” I tell him between gentle pecks. “You are going to be so busy, you aren’t going to have time to fret over what she is up to.” His hands fall to my ass and give it a squeeze. “Oh, really?” he questions. “Am I now?” I rub my nose back and forth giving him Eskimo kisses. “Yeah, I know this really hot girl who plans to keep you very occupied for some time.” He blows a gentle breath in my ear and it makes me shiver. “She sounds pretty demanding” he says. “She is” I confirm. “You’ll be tied up for hours at a time dealing with her.”

I thought he would feel uncomfortable because dancing with me is something he would never do when we were younger unless we were alone but he seems perfectly happy to hold me this way the rest of the night. I am content as well because I am obsessed with the feeling of his strong hands on my body and they feel like they are going to burn a hole through the thin material of my dress. Our lips find places to leave gentle kisses and our bodies couldn’t get any closer. 

Every time a new 90s or early 2000s love song comes on we laugh or groan and then have to smile and sing along. When “Best for Last” by Vanessa Williams plays we both fall quiet. I let the words roll over me and hold him tighter. “As much as this kind of music isn’t my style” he says softly. “I can’t help but think that this might be our song.” I give him a long deep kiss despite the crowded dance floor. “I hope it is darling” I answer. 

By the time we get back to the room I can’t wait to devour him. We are alone, blessedly alone and I push him back against the counter top before we even get through the kitchen. I fall to my knees and start to unbuckle his belt but he stays my hand. “Whoa, slow down honey. I want to romance you at least a little before you think you need to do that.” I push his hands out of the way. “If you think there is even a slight chance that your cock isn’t headed straight into my mouth you don’t understand how much I have missed sucking it anytime that I want” I inform him freeing the clasp and pulling his pants down. 

It’s already erect, the head pink and full from his desire to be with me. I kiss the tip and then suck it. My hand works the rest of him and his eyes roll back with pleasure. I angle my head so that I can fit most of him into my mouth and throat and bob up and down. My tongue finds the vein on his underside and strokes it again and again. He loves the feeling of my mouth on him but he also gets off on watching me do it. “Yeah baby” he murmurs lacing his fingers through my hair and holding my head in place so that he can fuck my mouth. “God I love watching you take it this way” he confesses. “Nothing like seeing the most gorgeous woman in the world suck your dick and knowing that she wants to.” I moan my approval and that is his undoing. He tries to thrust but I hold him still so I can do the work and I cover him tightly and suck hard. “Fuck” he yells and lets out a deep groan as his jizz shoots into my waiting mouth. I swallow and continue to lick and fondle his balls until he softens.

I sit back and wipe my mouth. He is looking at me so intently. “What are you thinking love?” I ask him. “That I am a fucking idiot who doesn’t deserve you but there is no way in hell I’m giving you back” he says clearing the table with one swing of his arm and then lifting me to sit atop it. “You’ve been driving me crazy the whole night in this dress” he tells me laying me back and hitching the skirt up to my thighs. Only then does he realize that I have no underwear on. “You are a naughty girl. No panties?”

“I had to take them off halfway through the evening. They were totally soaked from dancing with you” I tell him. His eyes darken with desire but it’s doesn’t crowd out the love I see there. He startles me by pulling me closer so that my knees are bent and my ass is at the edge of the table. The first touch of his lips sends a jolt of electricity through my whole body. I expect him to lick me but his mouth doesn’t immediately open. Instead he presses it against my folds and clit again and again. His lips are puckered and each pass makes me feel more and more special. He is actually kissing my pussy and I’ve never felt more loved and desired. 

“Yes” I tell him. “Kiss me Joshy. I need you so much.” His tongue comes forth and starts to work my clit and I let out whimpers of frustrated enjoyment. “So good baby” I tell him as he finds my magic spot. “So good. I’m all yours and I can’t get enough of you.” I’m afraid he will back off once I am close but he works me to a fever pitch and then fills me with two fingers while he sucks my clit and my climax causes colors to burst behind my eyelids. 

I can’t decide if I want to ride him or be taken on all fours more. He makes the decision for me when he grabs my hand and leads me to the bed where he quickly removes the rest of our clothes and then lays naked before me. I smile and straddle his hips. He isn’t hard yet but after a few heated kisses he is ready again. His eyes close in ecstasy as I slowly encase him. I sit like that for a time, just rocking back and forth and marveling at how complete he can make me feel. “You like that” he observes. “You like to stop and take a minute.” I nod. “I love to feel your body inside of mine” I explain. “When you are this deep I feel…whole.” 

He leans up and kisses me. Our lips and tongues caress and explore, our make out session made all the more intimate by our joined bodies. “I usually like to be in control” he pants as I start to move up and down. “But I love to watch your body move on mine. It makes me excited to see your tits bounce and when you start to work me hard I can tell how fucking bad you want me.” I slam back down on him again and again and his hand finds my clit and makes those incredible circles that have made me his so often. “Josh” I squeak when I am getting close. “That’s right” he tells me. “Feel me hitting you deep?  
Cum for me Jennifer. Squeeze me with that perfect pussy.” I can’t resist his dick and his dirty mouth and I cry out from the resulting orgasm. 

He watches my face as I come apart and then his eyes fall to my contracting stomach muscles and then to where we are joined. He snaps his hips a few times and then holds me down on him and throws his head back. His grunts are primitive and perfect. I want him so far gone he can’t think of anything to say. When our bodies finally relax I drop to his side and run my fingers through his hair. “Well” he says after a while. “That was pretty fucking awesome.” I laugh. “Hell yes it was” I agree. “But it’s your turn to sleep in the wet spot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some really great stuff here. I would love thoughts on the following as well as anything else going through your mind. 
> 
> The wedding itself. 
> 
> Josh's gift for Tanner. 
> 
> Jen, Josh, and the kids at the reception. 
> 
> Our eyes meet and I know it would be foolish to ever believe that I could share this with anyone else. This is who we are. Nothing could ever untangle our thoughts and dreams from each other’s. - Awwww, it took me a hell of a long time to get us to this moment so I hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> Josh and Jen's conversation about Michelle. This is some pretty great stuff and moving in the right direction.


	61. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer returns home after meetings regarding her script and has a heartfelt reunion with Josh and the children.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this has been really fun and more memorable and meaningful for me than I thought it would be when I started out. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you who have read my story and left me feedback. If you have read it and enjoyed it and never commented please consider leaving me a review or at least a few of your thoughts and comments because I love hearing from you. 
> 
> I am going to mark it complete now but when I get back from vacation in a couple of weeks I will be giving you one more update which will be an epilogue two years into the future. It is a really great chapter so you will want to check back for it. 
> 
> This chapter gives us that deep and honest conversation about many of the things that have transpired since the rescue. I know many of you were hoping to hear from both of them on this and you will. It also gives us some insight into what is going on in Evie's mind, what has happened to Josh from his perspective and we also get some interesting reflections from Jennifer about herself, her husband, and their relationship. Wow how this lady has grown. 
> 
> There is a lot in here and I can't wait to read what you have to say about it.

I don’t return home right away. I have three days of collaboration meetings in New York to discuss the transformation of one of my scripts into an actual film. There are long meetings with heated discussions over diverging visions and goals with the Director, Producers, and Studio Executives. I would be worried about the kids except that I know that they are home with their father. He jumped at the chance to stay with them at the house until my return. He doesn’t pick up his phone the first night but the second two we talk for over 3 hours and hope begins to build within me that he will move back in soon. I told him to take his time, a couple of months just like I did when I first discovered everything that had happened. I need to give him that space to process things, but I don’t want to. I want him in my house, in my bed, in my panties, in my life in every way possible. 

I am vocal in this initial phase of the project because afterward my role will pretty much phase out and I want it to be successful. But I am happy when things finally wrap up and I am able to board the plane that will take me back where I belong. The flight seems eternal. I can’t wait to see them. 

I expect a greeting at the door but when I swing it open I hear nothing but silence. I leave my suitcase just inside and start searching the house for them. The kid’s rooms are empty and so is mine. I am about to turn around and head back downstairs when two things catch my attention. One is the sound of laughter drifting through the window. The other is the sight of the locket. I step forward and lift it from its spot on the nightstand. He has been sleeping in our bed. My breath catches in my throat and I don’t dare to exhale as I make my way to the bathroom. His toiletries line the sink next to mine. I run to the closet. His shirts hang along the far wall and a few of the shelves hold his pants and shorts. 

I step out on the back balcony. I can hear the kids excited voices as well as the sound of splashing. He has them in the pool. Tanner is propped on his hip and Evie is jumping off the side, doing her best to create a splash big enough to cover them both. Her smile is radiant and Tanner keeps squealing with delight. I start to cry. Josh looks so healthy and so happy to be home. This almost didn’t happen. He could have died in the crash or from one of the dozens of illnesses we faced on the island. We could have divorced after our return, unable to work out our problems. He could have killed himself during the worst of his struggles. I close my eyes and lay a hand over my heart. I have to cut off that train of thought. He is here. He is safe and he is home and he is mine and I won’t ever let him go. 

I change into my bathing suit and go out to join them. Evie sees me first and comes running. “Mommy” she yells jumping into my arms. She is drenched and the water is cold but I hug her to me anyway. I close my eyes and rub her back. Our little girl is going to be ok. “Momma” I hear Tanner calling and Josh walks to the edge of the pool so he can hand him to me. His pudgy little arms are reaching with great enthusiasm and I scoop him up and cover him with kisses. “I swim” he tells me sauntering back to the edge, his trunks droopy from a saturated swim diaper. 

“Hey there gorgeous” Josh greets me. His hair and chest are wet and his skin is deeply tanned once again. His lopsided grin would send a crowd of young women into screaming hysterics (I know, I’ve seen it). He is so handsome and the moment so perfect that I start laughing. “What?” he asks with a chuckle making his way to the ladder as I sit. Grasping my hips he pulls me in and I wrap myself around him. He holds me with one arm and Tanner with the other. Evie climbs onto me piggy back style. We float and cuddle as a single unit. 

Josh and I could do this all day but the kids get restless and we entertain them with a game of Marco Polo. When it is my turn to be it and my eyes are closed Josh keeps sneaking up behind me and grabbing my ass. When Evie is turned away and flailing in the water searching for us I cup him through his shorts. Tanner chatters away completely oblivious to our naughty play. 

When we decide to head in I am shooed upstairs to shower and change because Josh insists on making dinner. I hurry because I don’t want to be away from them any longer than I have to. By the time I make it back down Tanner is shoving his little finger into the middle of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I see one laid out for each of us. “Classy meal babe” I tell Josh with a laugh picking mine up and taking a bite. “Only the best for my princess” he says and I can hear a faint Kentucky ascent. God, I love having him back. This relaxed easy banter is worth more to me than any big house or fancy award. 

“We have bananas too” Evie says with delight bringing a large plate of the sliced fruit from the counter. As we eat, I tell them about my trip and hear all about what they have been up to. Evie brings me fully up to date on the plot of Transformers. Josh holds my hand and rubs the back of it steadily with his thumb. All I want to do is hold each other. I still have so many questions but I need to inhale his scent first. 

After dinner we play Blokus with Evie which I promptly lose. I suck at visualizing things and at strategizing and thinking ahead. I watch my husband and daughter consider each piece and option carefully. They both fascinate me so much more than the game. Tanner is sulky about being left out and when we have finished a couple of rounds we get out Hungry Hungry Hippos for him. I lose that too, although this time it is more fun. 

Evie is very excited about my return because she has written a new play for her wooden animals but it requires three people to do all of the voices. She explains the concept to us and gives us our lines. It takes a couple of practice runs but soon we are prepared to perform it for Tanner. He is highly entertained and claps his hands throughout. Evie also insists on filming it to show Nana and Gram. 

The performance serves as a bedtime story and not long after Tanner is fast asleep in his toddler bed. It has been a great day but as we tuck Evie in she appears to be apprehensive. “Are you going to be here when I wake up tomorrow?” She asks looking at her father. “Yes baby” he says gently, taking her little hand. “Daddy is going to be here from now on unless I need to travel for work.” My heart nearly lifts out of my chest. He is back for good. 

Evie still looks unsure. Josh kisses her forehead as she settles in. “Evie” he begins. “I know that I’ve given you reasons to doubt me. But you won’t always have to feel that way. I’m going to be here for you every day until you don’t worry about me moving away again anymore.” She looks at each of us in turn. “What if you change your mind?” she asks. Josh lifts her covers and all and places her on his lap. As he speaks he rocks her gently. I know how comforting it can be. 

“Is that what has you upset?” he asks her and she nods. “What if you live somewhere else and Mommy gets really sad again? What if I don’t know what to do to make her better?” I think back to my reaction after Zachary died and the depression I went through after we got back and my heart aches for the child who witnessed that and tried to take care of me. He has gone through hard times too but he has always been better at hiding it from her. Josh maneuvers her little face so that she is looking at him. 

“Evie, my little lion. You are so brave. But let me tell you something. You don’t have to worry about taking care of Mommy or Daddy. That isn’t your job. That is a grown up job. From now on I’m going to take care of Mommy and Mommy is going to take of me just like we used to. We should have been doing it all along but we made some mistakes and messed up. We learned from that and we know better and we aren’t going to make those mistakes again. Your job is to do your school work and keep growing and learning and to love your little brother and play with your family and friends.”

She takes time to consider this. “Ok” she agrees and her shoulders relax. “But Daddy” she says. “I don’t mind helping you take care of each other sometimes. I love you both lots and lots and I like to help you.” He holds her close and we both kiss her. “We love you with all of our hearts too baby girl” I tell her. “And we always want your help. You are a beautiful person right here” I say pointing to her heart. “You’re so smart and pretty and you are good at so many things but what really makes you special is what is right in there.” 

I sit with her a little longer while Josh takes a shower and I think about the things we said to her tonight. I’m so glad we are fixing our marriage. Not only are we saving each other but we are saving our little ones too. Josh knows the burdens his parents placed on his shoulders and we aren’t repeating that cycle with Evie. She is a beautiful little girl and will likely grow into a gorgeous woman but I will help her to avoid the trap of placing her self-worth on her sex appeal. She will have us, both of us, to love her and guide her as she grows. 

Josh and I have a lot to talk about but when he comes and sits beside me on our bed all I can do is stare at him. My eyes travel the length of his body as I commit every detail to memory. I want to freeze the moment and live in it forever; the night he came home to me. When I finally do move it is to touch his face and bring his forehead to mine. “You’re staying right?” I ask as all of the breath leaves my lungs. I didn’t even realize that I was holding it. “Always” he says softly, stroking my cheek with his thumb. I laugh in relief and a few tears escape my eyes and he wipes them away. We hold each other for long minutes, our chests pressed tightly together so that we can feel each other’s hearts beating. Slowly, the tension I have been carrying since our return leaves me and I feel like I just set down the weight of the world. 

“When can we move the rest of your stuff?” I ask him, anxious to put that part of our life behind us. “Actually, it is already done” he tells me. “When I got here that first night after the wedding all of my things had been moved.” I pull back and give him a questioning look. “I was surprised too. I also had a welcoming party: your whole family. They did it while we were gone and then they kidnapped me for a little powwow.” I can’t believe it. “All of them?” I ask. He lays back and opens his arms to me and we snuggle together. “All of them” he confirms. “Your parents, Ben and his family, and Blaine and his boys; they were all waiting here to talk. Which reminds me that I really need to stop trusting my Mom with my extra set of keys. Blaine told me the truth, the whole truth about how he lied to me because he didn’t want you to move on and get too invested in a relationship. He admitted that you never talked to him about us and that he made up everything he said to me.” That is a relief but I am still in no way ready to even start thinking about forgiving him. 

“Ben told me that he didn’t think you were very happy before the crash but that your friendships with me and Liam were important to you. He said that you were at your best when you got to spend time with us and that I have always been a stabilizing force in your life and that you love me. Your Dad told me how you prayed for us during your visit home and that you went to visit my father’s grave. That really means something to me Jen.” His voice wavers a bit and I can tell that he is getting emotional. “Your Mom said that you have been crying a lot and for a long time and I knew that but she also explained that you haven’t been crying because of me…you have been crying for me. Crying for me to come back to you. That made a lot of sense and I know they have done some stupid things but they all love you very much and they think that us being together is the right thing for you. Hearing that from them was a big deal. I was coming home anyway, but they certainly made it easier to make it back. They said that they will but out from now on but they needed to fix the mistakes they made with us first.” 

I close my eyes and thank God for looking out for us. My family finally gets it, they get me and they acted on it to do something to help us. I take his hand and intertwine our fingers. “I’ve been thinking” I tell him. “When we got back and Blaine lied to you and we moved into this stupid house and I went to that club and you thought I was with Chris and then I acted like an idiot and let you go…” I search my mind for what I want to say but I am struggling to find the words. “You thought I didn’t love you, at least the way a wife loves her husband and I know now why you did. But still…you stayed. I mean you moved out but you kept working on things. You lived in a crappy apartment just to be close to me. You loved me, you still loved me even though you thought I didn’t want you.” 

Our eyes meet and I am in danger of drowning in his. “I’ll always love you Jennifer” he tells me. “I have since I was practically a kid. It’s like a part of who I am and I can’t change it any more than I could stop my heart from beating.” He brings my hand to his chest. “As long as you can feel it, you’ll know that I love you.” I’m the one getting emotional now. 

“Leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever done” he tells me. “But I always had doubts that you would want me for the long haul. When we were younger no one thought I was good enough for you. Our friends warned me off. Hell, even my own parents told me that you would use me and move on. Then after Jena filled me in on what you said I let any hope of something romantic die. You’re my best friend and I was willing to be that to you. I liked you, but I wasn’t in love with you like I am now. I was interested in more, but I was going to take what I could get if it was what was right for you. I moved on, I cared about Claudia, things made sense. I got confused sometimes when you would hold my hand or come to my bed but I knew that you needed me and I would never have turned you away.”

I think back on us as we were then and find myself nodding at his description. “Then that damn plane crashed. We were together all the time. You needed me to be more. You wanted sex, you wanted a baby, and you wanted a husband. On one hand it was like a dream come true. My best friend that I would happily spend all my time with that was also every sexual fantasy I had ever had wanted me to be her other half. I fell Jen. I fell really and irrecoverably deep. Those were some of the best years of my life. I know parts of it were hell but loving you and making and having our kids was worth anything.”

“But in the back of my mind I was always hoping for and dreading a rescue. Every time you got pregnant was incredible and horrifying. I was on cloud nine watching you grow and carry our baby. But I was terrified to lose you. It was my worst nightmare; you dying because of something that I did. I know how special you are and it was the honor of a lifetime to be entrusted with you. Screwing it up would have been unforgivable.”

I can’t fathom that he still believes this shit about me. I would think all I have put him through would have brought me down off of the pedestal. “That’s why I had to be happy when we were rescued. You and Evie were safe and you were going home.” He pauses and runs his hand through his hair. He is nervous to talk about what comes next. “I was really uneasy coming back. We had been gone so long and I was afraid things would go back to the way they used to be and you wouldn’t want to be my wife.” 

I take my hand and stroke his chest to comfort him as he continues. “Then I found out my Dad died and my family was fractured. My financial situation was in total ruin. My folks ran up debts when my money ran out, big ones. I know I should have talked to you about it but I didn’t want to put any pressure on you until the baby was born. I thought things were fine but then Blaine took me to lunch and told me that you cared about me but wished you hadn’t married me, that you felt guilty and obligated so you were going to try to stick it out for a while for the kids but that you didn’t want to. He said you wanted to let me down easy so we could still be friends.” I can see that just remembering the conversation is upsetting to him and I lay some kisses on his forehead. 

“It was reasonable. You married me under extreme circumstances. I didn’t have anything to offer you. I was broke and when my world started to fall apart I began having all of these nightmares about things on the island too. I kept remembering those bodies, seeing them all the time. I kept dreaming of losing you and the kids. I couldn’t keep my shit together. I wasn’t going to trap you with some broken loser.” I can’t let him talk about himself that way so I give him a long kiss. He gets the message and moves on. 

“I tried to stay because I thought you would still need me for a while but it was so hard. Sharing a bed and not making love to you was torture. Living together and knowing that you didn’t want to drove me insane. Then you went to that club and I just lost it. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I was watching myself lose everything that I love. I couldn’t believe after everything we went through, after loving you and giving you my heart for so long that you just didn’t love me anymore. Or worse that I had given my whole being to a woman who never nearly loved me in the first place. It was the most crippling pain I have ever felt, more terrible than anything on the island. I moved out to give you the space I thought you secretly wanted. I knew you wouldn’t be able to cut ties with me immediately. I am your comfort zone and you still needed me for your nightmares and for the hard times. I also knew I would always be the kids Dad and that would never change and they would always be my family and that helped some. They kept me going. I moved into the apartment so I could be as close to you guys as possible but still be out of your hair.”

“I thought given time and some of your newfound success that you would move on. But you didn’t. You kept pulling me back. You kept trying to reconcile with me. You didn’t date anyone. You kept flirting with me and then we started making love again. It was bittersweet because I wanted you so much but I thought you didn’t feel the same. I wished for you to get pregnant again even though I knew it was a bad idea. You were so persistent and so loving that I thought there was a real chance to save things. Then I saw those pictures of you and Nick and my world collapsed. It was every horrible thing I ever thought about myself and everything everyone warned me about when they told me there was no future for us. It was excruciating because my hope was so fresh that you really loved me.” I am crying now because of all the unnecessary pain he suffered and all on his own. 

“I snapped. I just literally lost all control of myself. I ragged, I tore up my apartment. I couldn’t sleep and I sat on my couch and rocked back and forth trying to calm down. I thought about killing myself several times just to get us all out of that crazy mess. I came over and confronted you when I shouldn’t have and I hurt you. I still haven’t forgiven myself and I don’t know if I ever will. But then you did something that totally shocked me. You stayed. You fought for me and no one has ever done that. People usually like me because I am light and fun and charming. But you were loyal to me and loved me when I was completely unlovable.”

“All the broken things inside of me started to heal. Then you came to my apartment that night and showed me how much you care. You made me see that we belong together. I still think that you are way more talented than me and you are obviously more rich and successful but you really don’t care. You want and need and desire the person that I am, not what I can give you or what I can accomplish. I didn’t know that anyone could ever feel that for me until you showed me that blanket you made and the story we wrote together. I was the biggest asshole in the universe and you took my last name. It was completely unadvisable but you did it anyway. Honestly, I’m still having trouble understanding why you fought so hard and did so many wonderful things for me given that I moved out and left you and you didn’t know why.”

I give him another kiss and nuzzle my nose against him. “I can’t change my love for you either” I confess. “There were times when I wanted to walk away or slap you but I knew what I had and I wasn’t going to let you go. I’ve been deeply and desperately in love with you for a long time. I don’t know exactly when it started or how it evolved, I just know that it will never end. It took me a long time to take the risk and tell you but eventually I came to a point that I couldn’t do differently. I’m in love with you and I’m yours. That’s it and no matter what you did or didn’t do it didn’t change things.”

I look at our interlaced fingers. “The separation wasn’t completely your fault” I tell him. “I could have told you the truth, I could have begged you to come home. But I was afraid baby. I was so afraid. I thought that if I put it all out there you might tell me that you were done. That I wasn’t worth it to you anymore and I couldn’t face that. I’ve come a long way in not caring what other people think but you are the best man I have ever known and you know me the way no one else does. If you decided that I wasn’t worthy then it was true. I really was just a stupid bimbo who professionals could make pretty and who made her money by reading the lines other people wrote for her.”

He pulls me close and whispers endearments and apologies. I sniffle for a few minutes but then continue because I need to finish. “I’ve stepped up for us these past couple of years Josh…but you saved us about every three days or so for the decade and a half before that. You have always been so strong for me. You held me when I made stupid choices and hurt myself. You covered for me when the press had questions I couldn’t answer. You loved the real Jen when I could barely even find her. We would have died right after the crash if it weren’t for you and a hundred times after. You were there for me day after day. You helped me work on my anxiety. You taught me how to tell stories. You were my rock.” 

He is shaking his head with a smile but I stop it by taking his face in my hands. “It’s true” I say. “You were bigger than all my insecurities, smarter than all my problems and I leaned on you for a long time. You were my superman. You were my best friend but Josh…I wasn’t yours.” He squints his eyes in concern. I can see that he wants to argue with me so I plow ahead. “I didn’t know you, not the way I should have. I was so busy with my own problems, constantly dominated our conversations talking about myself. Even when we were married I didn’t ask you tough questions, didn’t take the time to peel back the layers to see all of you.”

“These last two years have really sucked in a lot of ways. I’m sorry for all the pain we’ve both been through and I am eternally ashamed and apologetic that we drug our babies through it. But it did allow me to discover parts of you I never would have otherwise. I got to see and experience so much of what makes you who you are and I fell even deeper in love with the real man that I encountered. The man who stuck it out as my best friend even when I said shit behind his back. The man who stayed up countless nights learning to whittle wood so that I would have a Christmas present. The man who found the strength to bury his friends and his son and still love his wife and provide for his family. The man who filled my room with exotic flowers even when I took his children away during the holidays. The man who never took an IQ test so he wouldn’t upstage his baby brother. The man who took care of his mother even when she didn’t take care of him. That’s you, the real you. Not perfect, but always self-sacrificing, brilliant, and loyal. I wanted to stand up for that man and claim him as my own and I did and I found out that I have the strength to do that. When you are down and out I can carry us. It makes me feel a lot better about myself and I know now that we aren’t just going to be ok, we are going to be great because we are both completely crazy about each other.”

We start to laugh and I can feel the energy and excitement building between us. He has a grin on his face that he just can’t seem to lose and I know I look the same. “You know what this means Jen?” he asks with glee. “We made it. We don’t have to say goodbye to each other when the Hunger Games stuff is over. We aren’t going to die of some disease or accident on the island. We don’t have that awful feeling hanging over us anymore that it might not be real and that if we go back it will all disappear. It’s me and you and we are young and healthy and rich and we have our whole lives ahead of us. We can dream a hundred more dreams and realize them all.” 

“We can take the kids on a trip to Europe or South America” I add. “We can make love every day” he says. “Twice a day” I correct “and then we can have another baby.” He brings his forehead to mine. “I can play with you for the rest of my life.” I nod my head with enthusiasm. “We can write more stories together.” He kisses my forehead and smooths my hair back. “Yes” he agrees. “And live them too. We can live so many more stories together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to be clear that Josh did not return home because Jen's family moved his stuff. He was coming back anyway as he says but it really meant a lot to him to have their acceptance and support at long last. We don't know if Blaine came clean on his own or due to pressure from the family but I do think it was important that he tell Josh face to face that he lied and apologize for it.
> 
>  
> 
> I can't believe we are nearly at the end. I loved writing these characters and developing them but I am amazed how much of myself and my own life made it into this work as well. I would love your feedback and comments on the things below. I will ask for final comments and reflections next time because then you will have the story in it's entirety but if you have them in your mind now I would love to hear about any take aways you have from the whole work as well. 
> 
> From this chapter:
> 
> The reunion of the family in their home and Jen's realization that Josh has moved back in for good. 
> 
> Evie's fears and how her parents respond to them. 
> 
> Jen's family moving Josh's things home. 
> 
> Jen's reflections on how much love Josh showed by continuing to care for her and work on their marriage even when he believed that she didn't love him. This is the test that you want to be able to pass but never want to take and Josh passed with flying colors when you really think about it from that perspective. 
> 
> Josh's thoughts and explanation of the events that have unfolded over the course of the story. This is really the only time we get his full perspective on it. 
> 
> Jen has some harsh things to say about herself in the early part of their relationship and although I love the Jen we meet at the start of the story the things she says are true. She wasn't a very good friend to him in the beginning. At least not as good as he was to her. She was just at a point in her life that she was still very self centered and so the relationship mostly focused on her needs. She has undergone a ton of growth in this story which has been rewarding to create and see develop. She is a better person and a better friend now and that is the main reason we see her so much happier at this point in her life than she was when we first found her. 
> 
> Josh's surprise about Jen's actions. This is a guy who had learned through his life experience that people would love him if he was likable and always supportive, cheery, and useful. In short, if I am easy to love than people will love me. But the series of events that unfolded after the rescue forced him into a very unfavorable position and Jen still came through and loved him. This taught him something about her loyalty and his worth as a person that never could have been learned otherwise. 
> 
> It also put Jen in a position where she really had to do the hard work of getting to know him. Despite all of his superficial openness he was actually always a deeply guarded person. That experience, though painful, was also very rewarding for her because she discovered this fully dimensional person who was in fact, even more the love of her life than the superman she had always fancied him to be. It also gave her the opportunity to come through for both of them and take her place as co-equal in their relationship. 
> 
> I hope that final conversation and these notes help you to understand why some of the things that happened after the rescue were more than just drama to make the story interesting. They were necessary challenges and obstacles that they needed to interact with and overcome to bring them to this place in the journey. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. If there are still things lingering in your mind hopefully I will by able to wrap them up in the epilogue.


	62. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer, Josh, Evie, and Tanner two years into the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This epilogue is for everyone who has followed along and read my story and then taken time out of their lives to leave me feedback. Something this long would not have been possible without you. 
> 
> I especially want to thank: BellaGracie, Lis_Lou, avis11, Terelou, stjohn27, gaht, este13, Preston, Ugly_Me, Catarinan7, hertz27, everthornefan, Debs, XShipper, and Panda.
> 
> This chapter gives you a chance to see what Jennifer, Josh, and their little family look like 2 years into the future. Please leave me your thoughts and feedback on this chapter and the entire work now that it has come to an end. I enjoyed writing for all of you this past year or so. 
> 
> If you are interested in reading more from me please keep an eye out for an Everlark story I have coming in the next few weeks called Hidden on this Prairie. 
> 
> It is a historical romance set in the immediate post-civil era and although it nothing like this story I am really excited about it and hope that you will choose to join me for that journey too.

The sun is shining through the window and warming my face as the car rolls down the country road. I open it so that I can feel the breeze and smell the scent of early summer. I’m going home. I’ve been gone nearly two months, the longest I have ever been away from my children. I would have visited on weekends but the filming was in Germany so there wasn’t enough time. Josh came to see me twice, once with Evie and Tanner in tow and once on his own. It was great to have them there but I still had to work some days and it wasn’t the same as being home as a family. This is the first film I have acted in since our return and I almost didn’t take it but Josh really encouraged me. I know he is more than capable of holding down the fort, but I still miss them all like crazy. 

We talked it over and agreed that neither of us is going to quit acting completely. Every other year one of us will take a film. That is enough to keep us engaged without it being overwhelming to our family life. In the interim we help with special projects and do a ton of writing. Sometimes we do it together and sometimes on our own. No matter what, at least part of each work is a collaboration because neither of us can stop talking for 5 minutes so we always know what the other is up to and have plenty to say about it. I remember the time Liam tried to teach us to meditate. Josh and I sitting around quietly…yeah right. 

I feel a tender spot in my heart at the thought of our old friend. Even after all this time I miss him. It isn’t a gaping wound anymore, but it still hurts. Fourteen years, I almost can’t believe that it is has been that long. Whoever wrote that time heals all wounds never knew Liam or Woody. 

The car slows to make the turn down our road and I admire the trees, now in full bloom. We moved here a couple of years ago shortly after Josh and I reconciled for good. We were never happy in LA and we needed a fresh start somewhere that the kids could run wild and where Evie could feel closer to nature. We considered several locations but in the end our hearts led us back home to Kentucky. We bought a big place outside of Louisville with plenty of land and a barn. Close enough to my family so that we can visit when we want to but far enough away that they don’t drop in all the time. Josh finally kept his promise to buy me horses and he and Tanner planted wildflowers all over the pasture and along the woods so that I can look at them every day. We were lucky to find something modern in such a beautiful setting so we did not have to build from scratch but we did add on a large addition with an indoor pool. At some point during the last 12 years Josh transformed into a magical sea creature and he doesn’t do well on dry land for prolonged periods of time. 

This setting has been wonderful for the kids and I find that I have less anxiety here and that Josh is sleeping more. He still has his bad times and so do I. Luckily we have each other to hold when those feelings start to take over. We are also still seeing Dr. Degregorio via Skype every 3 months and plan to visit him for a face to face the next time are in LA. He is very pleased with our progress. We still miss the island and the life we had there. We don’t say it often but we both know that it is on our hearts and minds. The years we spent there live on somewhere within us like a beautiful, horrifying dream that neither of us can ever escape from or return to. 

The legal cases involving the back pay on our royalties have cleared and now that we both have money coming in we are comfortable with the term “joint checking” even though my contribution is larger and likely always will be. The movie Josh made with Ashley Farthing was a huge success at the box office. I was really happy for him, at least I tried to be. I had no trouble being proud of his performance of course, but I couldn’t help the petty feelings of anger and jealousy I still felt towards her. I trust him completely now. I know he would never betray me. I just want that seat beside him. I want to be the one who gets to enjoy his Joshiness, always. It was a lot of fun to return to the red carpet together. It was almost unreal to do so as husband and wife. The crowds still went crazy for us and we were just as silly and outrageous ever. Some things shouldn’t change. 

I can’t keep the smile off of my face as we pull into the drive. My love is here and I will be reunited with him soon. I thank the driver and tip him before he pulls away. Evie’s bike and Tanner’s big wheeler are in the yard and I can hear the squeak of the trampoline. My hand goes to my belly and my heart warms at the little life that I recently discovered. It must have happened during his first visit in Berlin. I haven’t told him yet. I didn’t want to do it over the phone. I want to see his face and share his joy while we hold each other and laugh. 

I set my suitcase on the porch before rounding the house to see Evie jumping on the trampoline. Her blond hair flows down her back along with a homemade super hero cape. She is wearing brightly colored mismatched clothes and a pair of swimming goggles. I’m not sure if she picked her outfit or if it was her father. They both have some pretty stellar fashion. She swings a baton in her hand fighting off imaginary enemies. How many times have a told her that it is dangerous to do that while bouncing up and down?

When she sees me her eyes light up and she launches herself nearly to my feet. “Mom” she exclaims and rushes forward and into my arms. She is still being educated by a tutor through a home school program and Tanner will start with her next year as well. We tried private school for a brief period of time but it didn’t work out. She struggled to understand why she had to attend such basic classes even when she was put in an accelerated program and some of the parents, staff, and even the teachers were constantly asking her questions about us despite my repeated requests for them to desist. We have had more luck with a local 4-H group. Evie is very interested in the natural world and loves to do the animal and science projects as well and since they are more self-directed she can be creative and has the freedom to engage the topics on her own level. She has made a couple of little friends there and they have come over to spend the night on occasion. She will also be going to Camp Hi-Ho in a few weeks so we will see how that goes. 

“How was the flight?” she asks and I can’t believe how grown up my nine year old sounds. “It was fine, but too long. I couldn’t wait to get home and see you.” She returns my smile and gestures with her hand towards the house. “Wait until you see the new bed Dad got while you were gone. It is pretty sweet.” My brow furrows in confusion. Josh didn’t mention buying new furniture. “Speaking of, where are Daddy and Tanner?” I ask her. “Down at the barn” she says taking my hand as we walk. “I should have guessed” I say. Tanner has really developed an interest in horses and begs to be taken on rides daily. 

We arrive just in time to see them emerging into the sun. Tanner looks as pleased as pleased can be sitting on his father’s shoulders and grinning ear to ear. Yes, they must have just returned from a ride. Josh doesn’t care for the horses if truth be told but he never complains. We have a groundskeeper that does the majority of the day to day handling and I take care of most of the rest, but he steps in when I am away and does what is needed. He does it because he loves me and he knows they make me happy.

“Mom’s home” Evie cries to get their attention and Josh looks up and gives me that damn Hutcherson grin. He has thrown his shirt over his shoulder because he never wears it unless it is absolutely necessary and his jeans hang low on his hips. He is still adorable. I would never tell him that though. I tell him that he is handsome, sexy, and hot and he is but he is also as cute as a fuzzy cat calendar and I love it. I am also totally getting laid tonight. 

I do my best not to run as I rush forward and meet him with a long kiss. I reserve the tongue for later when the kids aren’t present. Tanner is restless and starts to swing his legs and kick us until I reach out my arms and he drops into them. I hold him close and rub his back. He is a Momma’s boy and being away from me was hard on him. “Daddy took me on a long ride today” he announces proudly. “I heard that” I say kissing his forehead. “You are getting so big you are going to be a real cowboy soon.” 

We return to the house and find that the cupcakes Josh made with the kids earlier are cooled and ready to frost. I watch him attempt to help Tanner who keeps pushing too hard with the butter knife and smashing the side in. “When did we become so domestic?” I tease him. “I mean, we used to be real movie stars.” He rests his chin in his hand. “Probably about the time I started planting babies inside of you” he observes with humor and my cheeks start to color. That sets him to laughing. “Really Jen? That’s what is going to make you blush?” he observes and kisses my cheek. 

“What’s this I hear about a new bed?” I ask to change the subject. All of a sudden he appears nervous and starts scratching the back of his neck. Oh, this must really be good. “Yeah” he begins. “I got some new furniture for the bedroom and redecorated a little. I want to have some time to show you so don’t go back there until we have the kids in bed.” I look at him skeptically. “What?” he asks with innocence “It is a surprise.” I don’t really care that he made changes but it isn’t like Josh to want to be involved in things like that. 

The kids keep us busy and it doesn’t take long for it to fade into the back of my mind. Josh and I sit on the couch and hold hands as Evie and Tanner perform tonight’s bedtime story. They both beg to stay up longer but we keep them moving and soon baths are complete. I love them, but Daddy and I need a little alone time tonight and I am curious about what surprises he has in store for me. I hope that one of them involves an orgasm. 

Our house is set up so that there are three hallways that come off of the main living area. One leads to the new addition and houses the pool, the second leads to the kid’s rooms and to the guest bedroom and the third to the master. It is perfect because I don’t have to worry so much about keeping the noise down. Tanner has started to become more and more afraid of the dark so I wait in the hallway for Josh until he is through watching over him. I’m anxious to see what he has been up to but I don’t want to peek in and spoil it for him. He was clearly looking forward to showing me himself. I smile and rub my belly, I have the perfect little gift for him as well. 

While I am waiting I wander the house and study the pictures on the walls. Most of them are of the kids of course and I am amazed by how much they have grown. A large portrait of the four of us hangs above the fireplace. I love them with all that I am. There is also a photo in the hall of the extended family. Myself, Josh and our kids of course but also my parents and brothers and nephews and Michelle, Connor and his wife. Ben’s wife is smiling and glowing with a late and unexpected but very welcome pregnancy. They are both very open to us and we have become close friends. Blaine is dating again and at Josh’s insistence I am trying to heal my relationship with him. I can just hear him now. “I know what he did was shitty but he is your brother and you grew up together and I don’t think you will ever have peace about it unless you reconcile with him.” He is probably right. 

Michelle decided to stay in LA. It was a difficult choice but I think she realized that Josh needs some space. She also loves her new job and has found a lot of meaning and purpose in working with young actors and their families. She comes and visits often and we stay with her when we travel to LA on business. I miss her. I know she wasn’t a model parent and she made some mistakes but she loves her sons and grandchildren and she loves me. 

Along with the photos, our house also boasts a variety of wooden sculptures and wall hangings. Josh discovered a knack for basic wood working on the island and has found that with the proper tools he can make some really amazing things. Everyone who visits loves them and we have had interest from people in purchasing some but he hasn’t been willing to consider it yet. I am very proud that he is so talented and I know how good he is with his hands. 

When Tanner finally falls asleep he finds me in the kitchen and our lips meet almost immediately. Our tongues touch and rub and I moan into his mouth. His hands hold my face and mine are in his hair. We hate to be apart and this last trip was difficult for us. When we can’t breathe anymore we pull back and just stare into each other’s eyes and then I lean forward to press my forehead against his. When we were younger we would probably have already been going at it on the table but now we can take the time to just savor each other, the hot and heavy will come later because we have all the time in the world. Tonight’s activities will be loving, the “I missed you so much and will love you forever” sex. Tomorrow we can be more experimental. The “we haven’t done this in a while and I want to see how many ways I can make you squeal” sex. I love exploring new territory with him. It took some time for him to feel comfortable with anything rough after that night he lost control but he is still an actor at heart and we have come to value the excitement we feel from various forms of role play. 

When we do pull apart he takes my hand and leads me to our room. When we step inside he flips on the lights and I can hardly believe my eyes. He didn’t just buy new furniture it has been expanded and completely remodeled. It has always been a decent sized room but it is now huge and open with high ceilings. It has a seating area and has been painted to look like the sea. I look up to see the moon and stars shining down through skylights. I can’t find my voice as I walk forward and touch the treasures he has added throughout. New wood carvings and glass containers full of sand and seashells. 

A painting hangs on the wall opposite where we sleep. It’s of Josh and I when we were younger. Him standing by the ocean with his hands in mine. We are smiling and our eyes clearly shine with love. “Our wedding day” I say in astonishment. “Yeah” he says with a shy smile. “I gave an artist our last pictures from before the crash and did my best to describe it to her. I think she did a great job.” All I can do is nod my head. “It’s incredible” I tell him. “Well, you were always disappointed that we didn’t have any wedding pictures” he says. I turn to look at him. “I never said anything” I say. “I know” he agrees. “You didn’t have to. I know you.” 

I turn towards the bed and see that it is made of the same wood we had on the island. So are the rest of the furnishings. I also notice his yellow blanket is on the right with our special phone on the nightstand. We have stared in several of our own little films together recently. I also see the locket. He has been sleeping on my side of the bed. “Where did you get this?” I ask. “It looks just like what was on the island.” His smile fades into a more serious expression as he takes my hand. “It is. It’s actually made from some of what was left from our old one.” My eyes go wide and I gape at him. “You went back” is all I can think to say. “And you brought all this.” 

He nods and just then I notice a particularly beautiful wood carving that he has added to the wall. It must have taken hours to smooth and form it into a perfect heart shape. Inside hangs a small glass bottle filled with sand and dirt. I know that it is special and I move forward to touch it. “I’m sorry that I didn’t discuss it with you first but I wanted to surprise you. I want to make up for some of the stupid things I did when we first got back.” I turn and silence him with a kiss. “You are wonderful to me and you have nothing to make up for. I owe you my life a hundred times over” I reassure. 

When he nods I turn back towards the wall and gingerly touch the bottle. “I had to go back for him” he whispers. “Is this?” I ask softly. “From his grave” Josh confirms. Tears begin to roll down my face and he welcomes me into his arms. “Is it too much?” he asks. “Do you want me to take it down?” I nuzzle his neck and breathe in his scent and then give a contented sign. “It’s perfect” I tell him. “Thank you.” 

He rocks me a while longer and then gently leans back so that he can see my eyes. “I brought his remains back too” he says. “They are holding them until they get direction from me. I wasn’t sure if you want to bury him or have him cremated. I thought maybe we could spread his ashes here.” I touch his cheek. “Yes” I agree. “He needs to be with his family. You didn’t do it yourself did you?” He shakes his head. “I brought a crew with me and showed them where I buried him and then I went down to the beach and sobbed my eyes out.” I hug him and smooth his hair. “Darling” I sooth. “You shouldn’t have gone alone.” A weak smile finds his face once again. “I didn’t” he says. “I actually took your Mom and Blaine with me. They offered and I thought it would be good for them to see it, to really understand how we lived. Evie was really upset that I didn’t take her and I think she needs to go back but you should be with us. We all need to go together.”

Eventually, we crawl into bed to cuddle. We don’t bother changing our clothes because we know they will be laying on the floor by nights end. I thank him over and over again and plant little kisses along his neck and chest before sucking on his earlobe gently. When he can’t stand it anymore he lays me in front of him and removes my clothes one by one. He looks at my breasts and licks his lips subconsciously. I glory in this, my ability to leave him spellbound even after so many years together. 

He measures them with his hands before licking a nipple and then blowing on it gently. A frustrated look comes to my face at his toying and I whimper and arch my back in an offering. He takes the invitation and suckles me while his hand works the tip of the other. I let out a deep moan of satisfaction and feel moisture gathering in my core. He flips me over on my stomach and his lips travel the length of my back torturously. The whispery touches cause goose bumps to form and I’m not sure if I am more ticklish or aroused. He kisses my sides and nibbles and sucks the sensitive spot just above my hip bone. I cry out and arch my back and lift my head resisting him, fighting the erotic sensations. It is a delicious battle to lose. 

 

I am his now and he is free to do what he wants with me. He turns me back over. His kisses travel lower and soon he has me spread before him and I give a grunt of frustration as he sits back to admire the view. I will never get used to this. How much he enjoys just looking at me. “There is nothing that I wouldn’t do for you” he says being romantic and charming. “Good, then you can eat my pussy right now” I answer because I am neither. I hear his laughter and feel it against my folds as he complies with my demand. 

He takes his time kissing and licking everywhere he can reach. Then he uses his fingers to open the parts that he couldn’t get to before and tastes them as well. I want him to finish me because I am coiled so tight and in desperate need of release but I also want it to go on forever because it feels so damn good. “Joshua…please” I beg him. He likes for me to ask for it. To admit that I need him and that I crave the pleasure he can give me. He waits for me to plead again before spreading open my flower and using his tongue to give me what I need. He knows the tight circles that will drive me to scream and pull at his hair. He knows the amount of pressure to use to ensure that I climax more than once. I used to have moments of resentment that he can manipulate me so easily with physical pleasure but now I recognize the love that has gone in to his experimentation and practice to learn both my body and my psyche so well. 

It is tempting to turn into a pile of mush but I want to please him too. In fact, I find that I have a seemingly endless desire to do so and I never feel better than when I have his clear and enthusiastic approval. I run my hands across his chest and over his arms. It is a simple gesture but it causes his eyes to close. It took me a long time to learn how much joy my simple touches bring him. He is a man with a healthy sexual appetite and he loves it when I suck his dick but he also needs to be cared for. If I don’t caress and cuddle him before, during or after he will begin to withdraw inside of himself no matter how often we fuck. 

“Darling” I whisper as I kiss his throat and fondle his cock. “I love you.” I tease his nipples and hear his responding hiss. When I reach his v line I lick it down to where my hand is already stroking him. “Jen” he pants lifting my chin. “I really want you to do that but it has been a while and I don’t think I will last. I want to be inside your pussy baby. I want to cum together.” I cease the motion of my hand but grip him a little harder. Leaning my face forward I give the head a few gentle licks and I hear his groan at my teasing. “Please Joshy?” I whine giving him a pouty face. “Just for a little bit?” He nods, unable to deny my sexy request and lets his head fall back on the pillows. 

I suckle his head for a while before pulling the whole length into my mouth. I lick the underside before changing the angle of my body to get the top as well. His muscles are tight and I can tell he is doing his best not to lose it. “Oh honey” I tease him, leaning back to play with his balls. “I’m sucking you off and it’s making me hotter by the minute. Don’t you want to watch?” He smiles despite the mix of pleasure and pain written on his features and shakes his head. “I’ll blow my load if I even get a glimpse of those perfect lips around me and see how much you are enjoying it. And you damn well know it you sassy thing.” 

Satisfied that he wants me with a sufficient level of desperation I kiss my way back up to his mouth and he flips us over while we make out like a couple of horny teenagers. I’m aching to be filled and I let out a deep moan of relief as he pushes into me. He rests his forehead against mine as we enjoy the feeling of being completely joined. When he starts to move I lift my hips to meet each thrust. His fingers lace with mine as he holds my arms to each side of my head. I see the stars twinkling through the skylight. He knows how much I miss seeing them when we make love. 

“Yes” I call to him turning my gaze to his. “I need you” I tell him as his body moves within mine. I don’t worry about looking a certain way or about the scar on my waist when he takes me. We are both fantastic actors but sex isn’t a show. It’s about giving myself to him completely and accepting all he is in return. Not everything either of us has to give is good but we both want it. We know the truth, the whole truth about each other and we can trust each other with every part. We will always be like this, always be joined because there is no other version of reality that exists, nothing else that is real. 

I let out a soft squeak when he hits my secret spot and he adjusts his angle to touch and stroke it again and again. My excitement builds to the point of explosion and I notice a bead of sweat that drips off of his hair to trail down his neck. A thousand memories from nearly two decades of loving him explode behind my eyelids as they close and so does my body around him. When my pulsing has nearly stopped he brings me close and plants his nose and lips in my neck and gives the final short thrusts that cause him to fill me with his warm fluids. 

He falls to the side and we cling to each other for several minutes while our breathing slows. “Can you feel my heart beating?” he asks in the moonlight. “Yes” I answer with confidence. “It’s because you are my love” he tells me. It makes me smile and I run my fingers through his hair. “I’ll always be yours and you will be mine” I agree starting to drift off to sleep. “Not yet you don’t” Josh tells me trying to extricate himself from my embrace to get up. “No” I mutter and hold him tighter. “We need to clean you up” he insists. “No” I repeat. “Josh, I don’t care. I’m perfectly happy to sleep just like this.” He removes my arms and heads toward the bathroom. “You’ll be sore honey” he reminds me and returns a moment later with a warm washcloth. I relent and allow him to care for me and by the time he rinses it out and returns I somewhat awake. 

“Thank you” I tell him falling back into his arms. “For what?” he asks. “For this room, for the things you made for me, for bringing our son home, for giving me mind blowing orgasms, for cleaning me up afterwards. You know, for being you.” He sighs and kisses my forehead. “I think I am as happy as I could ever possibly be” he tells me on a sigh. “No you’re not” I tell him. “Not yet.” He leans back with an amused look on his face. “I’m not huh? When will I be?” Gazing into his eyes in the fading light I take his hand and place it on my belly. “Now” I tell him. It takes a moment and then his face breaks into a smile of pure joy and amazement. “You are?” he questions pulling me closer and petting the soft skin of my abdomen. “Yes” I answer with a big grin. “From that first visit in Berlin” I tell him. He lets out a laugh and immediately begins to cover our baby in kisses and talk to it. 

I roll my eyes in loving annoyance. We had started to worry after two years of trying. Evie, Zachary, and Tanner came so easily. Actually all of them by accident when we were trying to avoid it. I stroke his hair as he continues to love on my middle and my mind drifts back to that fateful flight that changed everything. I think of who I was then, where my life was heading. I remember the times we had when we were stranded and how beautiful and terrifying everything was. I recall the struggles we had when we first came back and how much I missed him and how he had needed me and neither of us knew it. I look at the man speaking excitedly to the spark of hope and life growing within me. Evie and Tanner are sleeping down the hallway, growing and changing every day and proving to me how life goes on and how good it can be. My family is here and I know exactly who I am. For the first time in my life, I am not on an island.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well…that’s it folks, at least for me and my contribution to this universe. It is a little sad saying goodbye but I am leaving these two in a really great place so I don’t need to worry about them anymore. 
> 
> When I started writing this in earnest and actually being serious about it I wanted to accomplish a couple of things. I wanted to contribute something to the Joshifer universe that was actually good and worth both writing and reading. I also wanted to tell a story that dealt with topics that are real and that have touched my life and those closest to me: the value of enduring friendship, coping with anxiety, the loss of a child, family dynamics, and the importance of two way honest communication to the formation of an equal partnership in marriage. I think I was able to do what I wanted to and I am comfortable with turning the page on this one.
> 
> If you go back and read the first few chapters it is amazing to see how much these two characters have grown and it is rewarding to find a Jennifer at the end who loves her family and herself. She is a realistic woman with faults and insecurities but she became a hero in her own life and worked with the man she loved to create a world that is well worth living in. Her perspective on love and sexuality have matured and allowed her to have a truly intimate relationship with the person who knows her best. I wish such a fate for everyone. 
> 
> I hope you have enjoyed the read and that at the very least it made you laugh, kept you guessing, and entertained you. Although these characters and story are fictional there is some real meat to parts of it and I hope you were able to connect with it and that it made you think about your past or made you see someone in your life in a different way. 
> 
> Please leave me your thoughts and feedback on anything that stood out to you in this chapter and let me know your feedback on where things end up and where we leave each of these characters major and minor at the end.
> 
> Jen goes back to acting (at least a little). 
> 
> They moved!
> 
> Evie is starting to make friends and Tanner loves horses. 
> 
> Jen is pregnant again.
> 
> Trying to work things out with Blaine (he is dating again). 
> 
> Michelle staying in LA. 
> 
> Josh taking up more wood carving. 
> 
> The remodel of the bedroom. 
> 
> Josh went back to the island for Tanner and he took Karen and Blaine with him!
> 
> Plans to travel back together and take Evie to visit. 
> 
> What their marriage and Jen's life looks and feels like at the end verses the beginning. 
> 
> I would also love to hear about what your favorite parts of the story were or if there were characters or themes that you connected with personally. 
> 
> I will be starting to post my new story in the next few weeks so I look forward to hearing from you all again then.


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